Visualize Winning

The Winter Olympics are over, but in their wake we are left with innumerable things upon which to reflect. We saw people who are dedicated and unwavering in their commitment to achieving their dreams of doing their best and winning the gold. Often, they seem worlds apart from us, having gifts that perhaps some of dream of having or, more likely, quietly accept that we never will. But in addition to strength and dedication, it is an Olympian’s ability to visualize themselves winning that gives them an edge. What really drove this home for me was watching the women’s snowboarding event.

I have no doubt that each Olympian athlete has their own ritual for visualizing their success. But while watching the women’s snowboarding, I noticed that more often than not, the competitors would leave the gate slowly, slide down the hill, and then pause before entering the half pipe. At first I wondered why they were stopping, since not every woman did it. But then I realized as the camera zoomed in on them that they were taking in the course, visualizing their moves, their tricks — catching air, grabbing the board, doing turns and every other move that makes these hot dog women something worthy of sheer awe in my opinion. Then, after a few moments, we would see in action what these women already knew they would achieve. Of course, not every one did achieve it. Some fell. Some fell more than once. But they all got back up, and went on.

How often do you visualize yourself achieving your goals? Do you set goals only to find yourself failing before you feel like you’ve really even begun? Maybe you decided you wanted to eat healthier, or start exercising, or read more, or change careers, and then, you sat back and waited for the change to come. Sometimes it seems as though making a change is as simple as making the decision to do so, but nothing could be further from the truth. Do you think Olympic athletes woke up one day, decided to compete, and then headed off to Vancouver with their skiis, mittens and snowcap, waiting to bow down and have a medal placed around their neck? Certainly not.

It is time for you to start visualizing the person you want to become. This is in no way a suggestion to reject who you currently are — in fact, you need to embrace who you are before you can bring the changes that will truly benefit your mind, body, and spirit. But when you set goals that can lead to greater fulfillment in life — and please be honest with yourself as to what actually will do that (hint: it’s not looking like a model) — you need to create a roadmap for achieving those goals, and visualizing the outcome is part of that process. And of course, you don’t just stop there. You need to see yourself taking the interim steps and accomplishing the smaller milestones that will help you reach your larger goals.

So how exactly does this translate to achieving your own Olympic gold? If your goal is to eat healthier, visualize yourself looking and feeling better, but also see yourself at a meal, in the store, going to a restaurant, and making better choices — not for the sake of losing weight, but for the sake of taking care of your body and loving it.

If your goal is to exercise more, visualize yourself at your end goal where you can run around with your kids, climb the stairs without getting winded, or maybe even completing a race. And then picture yourself getting up in the morning to take a walk, or parking further away from the store to add a few steps to your day, or lifting weights at the gym, making your body stronger and healthier.

Or maybe you are ready to change jobs, or even careers. See yourself doing something that you love. Imagine your dream job, and then imagine yourself in it! Now, what do you have to do to get there? Take a class? Save money? Take out a loan? Attend networking events? Figure out what will lead you to your goals, and visualize yourself taking each step to get there.

Not every Olympian who visualized themselves walking away with a gold medal did so. But I’d be willing to bet that very few — if any — did win the gold without first seeing themselves doing so. Figure out what your dreams are, and see yourself accomplishing them. It’s the first step to living a life you love and deserve.

Fab Fashion Find: Merona Women’s Floral Wrap Dress

Ok, by now you know I am a huge fan of Target fashions, and why not? They have great styles in a variety of sizes at super prices! So introducing the latest Fab Fashion Find! I LOVE this Merona Floral Wrap Dress.

Maybe it’s the fact that it’s still February and I am longing for spring, but it was love at first site when I first saw the dress hanging on the rack. The colors are so vivid and fun. I couldn’t wait to try the dress on, though I always remain cautious. I generally have a good idea of what will work for my body shape, and this looked like a good candidate, but you can never tell for sure until you actually put something on. I am happy to say this dress was just as adorable on (in my humble opinion) as it was on the rack! And the best part is, it’s only $24.99! And that’s full price!

I will say, the size seems to run a little big, and where I usually wear a medium in many of the clothing items at Target, a small definitely was a better fit. And don’t let the picture fool you. It’s not as short as it looks (unless you have mile-long legs like the model in the picture).

I read some of the reviews online, and the consensus is this dress works on curvy figures. So next time you’re at Target, get in the spirit of spring, and give this dress a try!

This Is the New 80

A couple of years ago, Jane Fonda was on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and when she walked out on stage, Oprah said enthusiastically, something along the lines of “This is the new 70!”. “This” of course refers to a person who has had countless plastic surgeries, spent a lifetime devoted to having a perfect body, and maintaining her pseudo-youthful looks. I remember feeling very resentful as Oprah paraded Fonda around, creating yet another impossible standard for the rest of us to live up to. Sure, I’m a long way away from being 70 years old, but if that’s what I’m supposed to look like at 70, I might as well just give up now if I am not willing to commit tens of thousands of hours and dollars towards my appearance.

But all it takes for me is one look at my own Grandmother — who recently turned 80 — to realize that I don’t want to look like Jane Fonda when I’m 70. Or even 60. Dare I say, even 40? Unlike Fonda, my grandmother has never worried about her looks. That’s not to say she doesn’t put any effort into her appearance. Her hair is always neatly done, she usually wears nice “slacks” as she would say, and she loves costume jewelry, never leaving the house without being suitably adorned. By any medical standards, she’s in the overweight range, but as long as her doctor continues to declare her in near-perfect health, she won’t fret over her weight. Never in a million years would she consider any type of plastic surgery to remove her soft folds of flesh that I have come to love so dearly but that she probably doesn’t even give a thought to.

Instead, my Grandmother — whom any normal person outside of Hollywood would consider beautiful — has devoted her life to others and to enjoying the simple pleasures life has to offer. When more than 100 people came to celebrate her 80th birthday with her, they weren’t there because of her stunning beauty or youthful looks (though most people are shocked to hear she is 80). They were there because she has touched their life in meaningful ways. Jane Fonda could certainly fill a room with hundreds or even thousands of ‘friends’, but I have to wonder how many people could say the same thing about her.

My Grandmother takes the time to make sure each person she comes into contact with feels special. She leaves treats for the trash collection people to let them know they are appreciated. She brings pies for the line cooks at her favorite restaurant where — although she has no reason to come into direct contact with them — she wants them to know they are important too. She listens to the stories of strangers, lending them an ear when they need it most. The people who know my Grandmother truly cherish her in ways far deeper than most of us could ever know. When I am 80, I don’t want to look like I am 40 — or least look like I am trying to look 40. I want to accept my age gracefully and embrace the wisdom — and each gray hair — that comes with every passing year.

Celebrating One Year of VenusVision

It was one year ago today that I launched VenusVision.com, and it’s been an amazing year that was filled with amazing connections and countless opportunities for learning and growing. When I first came up with the concept of VenusVision, I was eager to provide a platform for information and inspiration I had hoped others would find useful, while at the same time encouraging self reflection and personal growth. I had not considered how much it would provide those things for myself.

Had the opportunity to talk to inspiring, incredible women — women like Jenni Schaefer, Abby Lentz, Sybil Temtchine, Jolly Bugari, Joy Nash, and more.

Met an awesome network of women, many of whom share my vision and my mission to help lift women up to a place where they can feel good about themselves.

Come across a wealth of knowledge through many books like Intuitive Eating, Life Without Ed, Eat What You Love, Love What You Eat, Girl on Top, to name a few.

Learned that while others may face similar challenges in life, the journey to meeting those challenges is not the same for everyone.

Attended a number of events, some of which were eye-opening like the Congressional hearing on eating disorders, and a screening of the documentary America the Beautiful, and others that were just a lot of fun, like a book signing and fashion show with Nicole Williams for her book Girl on Top.

Been surprised by the candor of some to share their stories, no matter how personal, in an attempt to let others know they are not alone.

Gained skills in image editing software in an effort to provide the highest quality images to accompany VenusVision content.

Discovered the benefits of online social networking, and have forged new friendships as a result.

Learned that having an idea is only the beginning, and persistence, perseverance, and sometimes a little ignorance are needed in seeing that idea through.

Been touched by the comments, feedback, and support I have received from people telling me how VenusVision has touched their lives.

Had my eyes open to new perspectives, and am grateful to people willing to gently offer correction where sometimes I needed it.

Learned, and continue to learn how to run a web site, managing content, promotional partners, and guest authors.

Further honed my writing skills (I hope!), trying to keep a balance between my personal experience and objective information.

Realized that even though I would like to help every woman out there who needs it, I cannot, and the best way to be a positive resource to others is to maintain an air of openness within myself and my web site.

Discovered that I still have a lot of my own personal growing to do, and frankly, hope I always do!

Learned to ask for help when I need it.

Realized that the world will not stop if I don’t get something (that I feel stressed about) done ASAP, or, at all.

Come to feel love for all of my VenusVision readers and supporters. You are what makes this endeavor worthwhile — every single day.

Thank you!

EDNOS: The Eating Disorder You Haven’t Heard Of

When I received the diagnosis of Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified two years ago, I had a very mixed reaction. On the one hand, the label didn’t seem to fit. Me? With an eating disorder? I wasn’t underweight, and in fact was technically on the edge of being overweight. I had intentionally thrown up from time to time, but certainly was not bulimic. I had tried starving myself periodically in an attempt to get my weight under control, but I definitely wasn’t anorexic. At the most I considered myself a chronic dieter, or someone who at times could be a little obsessed with healthy eating and exercise. I could agree that my eating was very disordered but to identify myself as someone with an eating disorder made me squirm in my seat a bit. (For more on the differences between disorders and disordered eating, read Disordered Eating or Eating Disorder?)

On the other hand, after hearing my therapist tell me I had an eating disorder, I felt relief. After all, I was there to get help, and if I could label my problem, perhaps the solution would come more easily. I was ready to silence the voice in my head that made me obsess over my body and food 24 hours a day 7 days a week, and if giving that voice the name ED (for Eating Disorder) would help, I was willing to accept it.

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week is February 21-27 this year, which seems like a good opportunity to bring attention to this lesser known sibling of Anorexia and Bulimia. Everyone knows about Anorexia and Bulimia, but EDNOS, which has only recently begun to receive recognition in the mental health community can be as equally dangerous and life consuming as its better known counterparts.

So what does Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified mean? Well, the short answer is a “category [of] disorders of eating that do not meet the criteria of a specific eating disorder,” according to the most recently updated version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual. Ultimately, the definition is more anecdotal which explains why it is often harder to identify, though according to the publication Eating Disorders: The Journal of Treatment and Prevention, 50 percent of individuals who present for treatment of an eating disorder receive the diagnosis of EDNOS which effects 4 to 6 percent of the general population.*

While many of the criteria for EDNOS may closely mimic anorexia or bulimia, some behaviors are less obvious, and in fact, within our diet and body-obsessed culture, can appear perfectly normal. What may look to an outsider as just another diet involving close monitoring of caloric intake as well as exercise, may in fact become — if not already — an unhealthy and unnatural way to control weight based on an intense drive to be thin combined with an unrealistic body image. On the flip side, EDNOS also includes the sub-category of Binge Eating Disorder (BED) which is often overlooked as a simple lack of willpower and/or self control. Regardless of wherever a patient lies in the spectrum of EDNOS, it is important to realize that the emotional trauma suffered as a result of the disorder is equal to that of Anorexia and Bulimia, and should not be seen as anything less than a serious illness.

The introduction of EDNOS as an accepted diagnosis “gives a voice to sufferers who don’t fit into the narrow diagnostic categories of Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge Eating Disorder” said Shannon Cutts, author of ANA: How to Outsmart Your Eating Disorder and Take Your Life Back, and founder of Mentor Connect, a community of people in recovery from eating and related disorders.

Cutts, who herself suffered from Anorexia, Bulimia and EDNOS feels grateful for the recognition of EDNOS, and encourages sufferers to seek help. “If you know that your symptoms, thoughts, and behaviors are affecting your quality of life, then you both need and deserve help. Use your voice and ask for help. Do not assume you are the only one who “doesn’t fit” into a category and therefore you don’t deserve help. There are many people who suffer from EDNOS and you help not just yourself but everyone who suffers from it when you demand the care you deserve. Search out a medical professional who is familiar with eating disorders rather than struggling to educate an unsympathetic doctor or therapist. Be your own health care advocate. You know better than anyone else when you are struggling and need help. Eating disorders kill, and just because your symptoms don’t fall into the three most commonly-recognized categories does not mean they are not equally deadly.”

The health complications that arise from eating disorders are extensive, and include low blood pressure, slower heart rate, a decrease in bone density, a disruption in hormones, sometimes leading to infertility, and more. Even more alarming is the fact that eating disorders have the highest rate of death among any mental disorder — just one episode of bingeing and purging can cause an electrolyte imbalance causing sudden death. That is why it is so important to recognize that eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes, and present themselves in a variety of ways.

Is there treatment for EDNOS? Though whole rehabilitation centers have risen to address the problems specific to Anorexia, Bulimia, and even Binge Eating Disorder, there is help for other non specified eating disorders. The effort to overcome any eating disorder is extensive and should not be downplayed. Most of the times, the help of a mental health professional is necessary, and the journey through recovery is never quick and painless. But when you consider the alternative of living a life plagued by self loathing, fear of food, and serious health risks, including a premature death, the effort is one that must be undertaken to break free and live a full and happy life.

As for my own journey, to be honest, it’s an ongoing process. Sometimes it’s two steps forward, one step back. But as Jenni Schaefer, author of Life Without Ed, and Goodbye Ed, Hello Me likes to say, fall down seven times, stand up eight.

Tyra Looks for “Real” Teens in Her Next Model Search

There it is again. That word. “Real.” I’ve seen it thrown around a lot lately, and I even admit to using it myself (wrongly) when referring to every woman that doesn’t meet the traditional, model standard of beauty. But what does “real” mean, anyway? Is a woman less real because she happens to be beautiful by society’s standards? Is she less real if she does so at the expense of her health? We have to realize that every woman is a real woman, but apparently Tyra didn’t get the memo because she is looking for “Fiercely real teens” in her latest model search.

In case you were wondering what a “fiercely real teen” is, apparently it is someone between the ages of 13-19 (ok, she got the teen part right), wears between a size 12-20 (ok, so ‘real’ means plus size in this case), and, wait for it … is 5′9″ to 6′1″. Seriously? How many teens do you know between 5′9″ and 6′1″? I can tell you in round figures how many I know. ZERO. Ok, wait. I take that back. I do know of one girl — a supermarket cashier — that looks to be in her teens and is probably six feet tall. But she’s very thin (seemingly naturally) so I guess that means she’s not fiercely real.

It seems to me that if the word “real” is going to be used, than it should at least represent a portion of the population that one might actually be acquainted with. In this case it appears that Tyra is using the word “real” as a (unnecessary) euphemism for plus-size while still seeking a very narrow standard of runway beauty. And yet, Tyra is quoted in US magazine as saying “I’ve always felt it was my mission to expand the narrow perceptions of beauty” and then added that she tried to “challenge industry and universal standards” by “celebrating non-traditional beauty” and “stressing the importance of inner beauty.” I’m not sure how doing a model search that requires the entrants fit the typical standard height for models is challenging the industry. With all the talk she has done about self esteem and body love, fighting against the stereotypes she herself has been held accountable to, she still manages to propogate industry standards, with the only difference being a slightly wider girth.

Don’t get me wrong. I think Tyra is full of great intentions. She tell US magazine “Adolescence is such an impressionable time in a young woman’s life, and I hope this contest helps teen girls discover their own beauty from the inside out.” But as we know, good intentions do not always lead to the best of actions, and in this case, by focusing on such a tiny percentage of the teen population, I wonder how a 5′5″ plus-size teen is going to discover her beauty based on Tyra’s criteria.

When Weight Loss Is the Ultimate Indicator of Success

If you’ve read some of my more personal posts on VenusVision, or you otherwise know me, you know my body image and food issues go way back. In fact, my first diet was the Beverly Hills Diet at age 7. I don’t remember feeling fat at the time, but for some reason my mom and I went on this diet together (for the record, she wasn’t fat either). The main thing I remember about the diet — which I didn’t realize as such — was that all the nuts and dried fruit were having an “effect” on my digestive system. I was worried about all the trips to the bathroom, but my mom explained that the food was doing its work “cleaning out my system.”

Other early memories include giving my pudding away because I knew it would make me fat, and later on in elementary school, being offered incentives to lose weight (though again, I wasn’t fat, but perhaps on the high end of “normal” and therefore bigger than most of my peers).

The diets increased, though the weight loss never came, and as for so many girls and women it became nothing short of a quest. I was searching for the Holy Grail of weight loss because surely with it would come the label of success which I otherwise felt unable to reach.

I graduated from high school as an honor roll student after pulling my grades out of the gutter. But it didn’t mean anything when I put on my graduation dress and it was tight, revealing my large tummy. (As soon as I took off my graduation gown, I immediately changed out of my dress as well before anyone could see me in it.)

I graduated from college, again with high marks, but still didn’t feel as though I had reached success because I had not lost weight.

I earned a black belt in Karate, but could never stop thinking about how my Ghi pants never got looser during my training.

I ran half marathons, but felt defeated after looking at the race photos and seeing my flabby legs.

I birthed two children but always lamented my flabby middle from which they came.

I completed a triathlon, but worried about how I looked in my wet suit, and cropped the after-race photo before sharing with my friends to avoid showing my legs in my bike shorts.

No matter what great accomplishments I succeeded in, it was always overshadowed by one thing. My failure to lose weight.

Once, actually, I did manage to lose a fair amount of weight, reaching the lowest number on the scale I had ever seen as an adult. When I reached what I thought would be my “goal” weight, I wasn’t happy. That weight did not reveal the body I desired. So still, I felt like a failure.

And of course, any temporary weight loss I ever did manage to achieve was met with what seemed like far more recognition than any other accomplishment. I learned early on to judge others by their weight and assumed accordingly that every person judged me by mine.

So if I was able to do all of these other things, why couldn’t I succeed at the one thing I had been working at my whole life? At least that’s one way of looking at the situation. Of course, another way of looking at it was to ask myself why I defined success almost entirely by a number on a scale or the size clothing I was wearing? And, after living and thinking that way most of my life, how was I going to change that way of thinking?

Well, it’s taken a lot of work, much of which was done with the help of a professional. I have worked on reframing the constant barrage of negative thoughts that used to invade my head 24/7.  In the past, I would take note of every body (not ‘everybody’ but EVERY BODY) that came into my visual range, and compare my body to theirs. Was I thinner or fatter than each person in the room, I would think to myself. Now I still notice everyone in the room, but instead of seeing what might be noted as flaws, I look for their unique characteristics that make them beautiful.

By judging others less on their appearance, and  stopping the constant comparison of myself to them, I was able to begin the work of accepting my body, and end the cycle of constant dieting/deprivation/calorie counting that has made me miserable for so many years. Of course, there were many elements to my progress, many of which are highlighted in the article Celebrate Your Body.

I have come a long way, and most days, I can look in the mirror, noticing all the things about myself I used to see as flaws, and simply see them as they are — parts of me. At the same time, my reflection in the mirror has little do with any of the things I accomplish day to day. All of my successes, both large and small have come about through hard work and dedication, and are — I realize now — completely unrelated to a number on the scale.

Some days, every now and then, the old thoughts come creeping back in, and a voice starts telling me I am fat, but I know now that I need to ignore those voices, not just because they are  negative, but because they are irrelevant. Yet, what I have noticed, is those days crop up when other things are bothering me, and I don’t want to — or don’t know how to — deal with them. Dealing with feelings of self loathing may be pretty terrible, but they are familiar. And like an abusive spouse, you sometimes take comfort in what you know, even if it’s unpleasant.

With new coping tools and more attention to self care, I am now able to concentrate on the deeper issues. The effort it takes to push back at times like this is considerable, but I also know I have come a long way, and the effort is worth it. More importantly, I can finally look at all of the amazing things I have accomplished and take pride in each of them, rather than feeling inadequate

Grieving the Loss of a Pet

Given that Americans spent roughly $45 billion on their pets last year, there is no question that we value our pets as an equal family member. So when when your beloved pet passes on, the grief can be as overwhelming as the loss of a child or best friend. For Courtney, the first days after the death of her Boxer Mandy — who succumbed to cancer — were the hardest, as she found herself “crying harder than I’ve ever cried”. Sharing her grief with her husband Jon helped both of them start the process of healing, and focusing on their one-year-old daughter gave them a much needed distraction. But Courtney also took the time to reflect on the life she shared with Mandy. “Mandy was my first baby. I gave her everything a dog could need or want, and she gave me back more than I could ever deserve. She taught me a lot, and I am grateful for my time with her.”

Courtney’s approach to dealing with Mandy’s death was in line with recommendations put forth by many mental health experts, as well as the the American Kennel Club. Among the suggestions AKC offers is the notion that “grief should be expressed freely” and encourages grieving pet owners to focus on the joy their pet has brought to them. AKC also notes that other family members including children and even pets may react to the loss of their companion and could need extra attention. And while the void left by the death of a pet can be equal to that of another loved one, not everyone can relate to the magnitude of loss which can lead to feelings of shame, undermining the healing process. Peg Beehan, LCSW, who specializes in pet bereavement and offers tips at PetBereavement.com, suggests finding others who understand the special, irreplaceable relationship you had with your pet, and sharing your feelings with them. While many feel the need to grieve in alone, Beehan feels that isolation can “add another layer to the grieving process.”

As with people, a beloved pet can never be replaced. But by being honest with your feelings, reflecting on the the joys your pet brought to your life, and surrounding yourself with a warm, supportive environment, you can begin to move on and heal your wounds.

Flattering Plus Size Fashion Tips

With designers and retailers finally realizing the huge market in clothes for women who are not a size 2, the barriers to fashion are coming down for plus-sized women. Still, no matter what size you wear, each woman’s body is different, and knowing your shape and how to dress accordingly is essential for looking your best.

Often the instinct for larger women is to hide their figures. Define your shape and accentuate your assets to flatter the body you have. Start by creating a waist, suggests Racine Peters, Partner and Co-Founder of Budget Fab, LLC. Experiment by “wearing distinct separates, using a belt, or even wearing blazers that create a V-neck at the top and an inversed V-shape at the bottom” like this Old Navy blazer on sale for $27.99. Like to make a statement? Try this wide basket-weave belt for only $11.80 at Lane Bryant.

Look for pieces that create definition on their own. You can never go wrong with wrap shirts and dresses for a flattering look that never goes out style. Layering is another great way to define your waist, like with this Tie-front shrug for $39.50, also from Lane Bryant.

Where your clothes begin and end is an important thing to consider when looking for styles that flatter. When buying a skirt or dress, Donnella Tilery of CEO & Founder of Donnella’s Closet wants to make sure it isn’t too long past your knee or “you’ll look dumpy or frumpy!”This teardrop printed dress from Avenue is a perfect transitional piece from winter to spring or for a more conservative look, try this Nordstrom’s Semantiks Pencil skirt, on sale for $68.00.

Don’t let the term ’skinny’ intimidate you when it comes to pants. Anyone can wear skinny jeans as long as you pull the look together with complimenting pieces. These Calvin Klein “legging” jeans found at Nordstrom.com for $69.50 would look great with a pair of heels to elongate the look of your legs, as suggested by Laura Yoder of 24-7 Style. In the case of skinny jeans, Yoder suggests pairing with a top that just cover the hips.

And no matter what you wear, start with a good bra that fits properly, reminds Rachel Perlmutter, Owner of The Greater LA Woman. You can put on a great outfit, but if “the girls” are looking droopy, it will detract from your overall look. And besides, it’s a great way to feel sexy on the inside if you’re too shy to show it on the outside. Once again, Lane Bryant offers a great selection of adorable bras that will give you the support you need while making you feel sexy like an embroidered balconette bra.

Finally, what you wear on your feet can make or break a look. Heels and pointy-toed shoes elongate your legs and look great with a long pant. Have fun with skirts and dresses by wearing boots. If you have trouble finding boots with shafts that fit your calves, try Silhouettes.com where they carry boots with larger shafts and stretchy fabrics.

A Confession in Numbers

I am 37 years old. I am 5 feet 5 inches tall. I weigh 159 pounds. I wear a size 36 AA bra. My pant size ranges from a 10 to a 12.

These are numbers that so many people don’t share — at least in full honesty. Some lie about their age or are too embarrassed to admit it. Many lie about their weight, and we’d probably be surprised how many people stretch the truth a bit on their height.

I decided I am going to break the taboo and share my numbers here … publicly … for anyone to see. And guess what … I have not been sucked down into a pit of shame for doing so. To me, they are just numbers. There is no value or meaning behind them. They are a numerical representation of particular facts pertaining to me. But I have not always felt this way.

When I was in my teens and early twenties, I always looked much younger than my age. When I was 17, I was offered a children’s menu at a restaurant. When I was 19, people would ask me what grade (in high school) I was in. When I was 25 people would inquire about my major (when I had completed my degree 4 years prior). For the most part, I was annoyed because if people thought I was younger, they also treated me that way, condescending to me, or at least that’s what I thought. But I also felt mature for my age, and was threatened if people undermined that feeling by assuming I was younger (a clear indication I still had some growing up to do). Of course, as I got older, the tables began to turn, and as the number of times I got carded had an inverse relationship with the number of gray hairs I found, I began to fear aging a little more.

My height, though less of an issue was also something I was insecure about. For most of my young adult life, I was 5 feet, 3 and 3/4 inches. Of course, it was natural to round up, but I hated the idea of being short. That probably stemmed from the fact that my short stature was accompanied by a more rounded shape. Which brings me to the next number: my weight.

Until pretty recently in my life, my weight — whether I knew exactly what it was, or shied away from that knowledge in the pursuit of blissful ignorance — had an enormous impact on my mood. If I woke up feeling great, and stepped on the scale only to find an unexpectedly high number, my mood was instantly deflated, and I might stay depressed for days. The opposite also held true, however, and a low number could add a note of joy to my day. The same could be said for the times I went into a dressing room and tried on an item of clothing. If I tried on my usual size and it was too big, I was overjoyed. If the size I picked out was too tight, I was devastated. Never mind that there are so many factors in what goes behind that number on the tag ranging from cost of fabric to clever marketing.

As for my bra size, well, in this breast-obsessed culture, it can be just as hard to accept small breasts as it can to accept a larger stomach (and even more difficult if you have both!). I sometimes felt humiliated going into Victoria’s Secret and not being able to find a single bra that fit my less endowed chest.

But allowing any of these numbers to have a such an impact on our outlook in life can be so hindering, or worse, damaging. Through a lot of work, I have learned to embrace each of these numbers (though oddly enough, I now measure at 5′5″ — perhaps due to a higher self esteem and better posture??) no matter what they are. I do not fear my age, but embrace the wisdom and experience that has come with each year I have passed.

I do not fear the number on the scale. Learning how to see each of these numbers for what they are has been liberating for me, and I have to say has led me to a more peaceful place in life since I know longer devote the majority of my effort resisting them — mostly the one on the scale.

So, what are your numbers?

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