Before becoming a mother, I was filled with ideas and ideals of how to be a good mother. While rationally, I might have accepted the idea that there is no such thing as the perfect mother, I never really internalized that idea. Which, when I think about it is kind of ironic, since the last thing I would ever call myself in regards to anything is a perfectionist. In fact, if Type A= Perfectionist, surely I must be a Type Z. Nevertheless, filled with knowledge, I went into this new adventure with the belief that I could provide an ideal environment for my children that fostered all of the best qualities I wished to instill in them.

Well, that all pretty much went out the window from the time my labor started and our sacred birth plan was quickly abandoned due to a series of complications — a phrase that could perhaps describe not just the birth of my children, but really motherhood in general. One by one (or sometimes in droves), every ideal I had in regards to parenting and motherhood was quickly refactored into something that made my new experience little more than survivable.

Each time I compromised on my ideals, I felt a little pang, and wondered how another step down in my near-perfect standards would impact my children. I was convinced I was ruining them every time I put on the TV, fed them McDonald’s, lost my patience and screamed at them, left them crying in their room, or chatted with another mom at the playground instead of intently watching every move my child made, lest she injure herself, because, after all, an injury can happen in the blink of an eye (Thank You National SAFE KIDS Campaign for instilling a sense of uberparanoia in me).

And then, one day, a few years ago, I looked at my kids — I mean, really looked at them, reflected on them, observed them. And I realized, actually, they’re pretty terrific kids. They’re smart. They’re kind. They’re creative. They’re well mannered and well behaved (for the most part!). They’re curious, they’re fun, they’re affectionate. They, in short, are all the things I wanted them to be and thought I had to be the perfect mom in order to achieve. But somehow they turned out that way in spite of my less than perfect parenting. And it started to sink in — I AM a good mom, there really is no such thing as ‘perfect’, and that’s a good thing. Because perfect is boring.  My kids, my life, is anything but. And I wouldn’t have it any other way because my life is perfectly imperfect.

I went into my dressing room to try my clothes on, but I couldn’t help wondering what the rest of the story was for this man. Was he working so hard to just make ends meet for himself in one of the wealthiest counties in our nation? Maybe he was supporting his family, putting a child through college, or at least hoping to. What did he do in his native country? Was he a farmer? Or did he have a stall selling fruits and vegetables along side prepaid calling cards? Or maybe he was he a doctor, as many a taxi driver I’ve spoken to have been. Or a professor, or a lawyer, or one of many other white color professions that may have served them well in their home countries, but for which there is little reciprocity in terms of their credentials here in the U.S.

Alas, the clocked ticked, and by the time I was done deciding that nothing I brought in with me was going to work out, I had little time to investigate his life story. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have one. Or any other person that I come into contact with for 3.5 seconds at a time in my day. It’s easy to treat every person that we are not intimately connected with as a cog in the wheel of our life — they are there to keep things turning, making things comfortable for the rest of us, taking our money at the registers, folding clothes we choose not to buy, making our food, and packaging it up for us to take home and feed to our families, sweeping floors, cleaning up after our kids have spilled more food on the floor of a restaurant than what went into their mouths. It’s so easy not to notice them. To go through life as if we are surrounded by ghosts who only give us the slightest hint of their presence through a smile here, an automated “have a nice day” there. But at the end of their shift, they go home and live lives just like we do, putting dinner on the table (or hoping to), wanting the best for their kids, wondering if they’ve made the right choices in life.

My Dad used to tell me that some of the most interesting people he’s ever met were taxi cab drivers. They mostly sit in silence, occasionally perhaps broaching the area of small talk, mentioning the weather or asking about where you are going. You might mention your upcoming girl’s weekend, or a business trip, or a night out on the town in which you opted not to have the responsibility of driving home. But, ask the driver about his story (and I’m not being sexist here, but let’s face it, most taxi drivers are in fact male), and the story you might hear could be one filled with adventure, success, sadness, and pride, all rolled into one. I still remember a taxi ride early one morning to the airport, and probing my driver a little revealed that in Afghanistan, he’d been a brain surgeon, but couldn’t get the proper licensing here to practice medicine, and still needed to support his family that included a terminally ill mother he was caring for. Sure, he could have been making the whole story up to increase the generous tip I had already planned on giving him, but there was such a resignation in his voice that I turned off my cynicism and accepted his tale at face value. For even if it wasn’t true, surely there was tragedy and hope in this man’s life that was worth valuing and believing.

It wasn’t just taxi drivers my Dad talked with. Everyone at the grocery store he frequented not only knew him by name, but knew his family and asked about them frequently, as did he of their families. To my Dad, every person he came into contact with was an opportunity for engagement, exploration, and mind expansion that was symbiotic. That approach towards life is a gift he has endowed me with, though admittedly, it’s one that needs constant fostering. By recognizing that each person has something to offer this world, and taking time to listen and find out what that might be from time to time is an experience that will brighten your world as well as theirs, and brings us all one step closer to understanding the humanity that ties us together.

How many times have you been at a restaurant, or in a store, where the staff didn’t seem to want to give you the time of day — they barely acknowledged your existence. It probably was infuriating. We expect our presence to be recognized by those around us, but how often do you recognize the presence of those around you, except in how they may do something for you? And yet, that’s the lot so many people face, day in, and day out, just moving about as an auto-matron of sorts, there to serve others without any acknowledgement that they exist outside of their current role.

So today when you’re buying your triple grande soy latte at Starbucks (oh, wait, that’s me), or stopping for lunch at whatever McBurgerBellFila fast food joint you frequent, or going through the checkout line with your milk, diapers, and fully cooked rotisserie chicken, remember that the person on the other end is a person worth knowing too. Smile at them, and when they ask you how you are doing, not expecting you to respond with any great fervor, shoot right back at them, and ask them how THEY are doing. Acknowledge their existence and let them know you see them. Because don’t we all really just want that? Don’t we all just want to be seen? To know that we’re alive, not just because we can feel sensations running through our bodies, but because another person can look at us and not just through us.

The world is a gift to all of us, as are the people within it. Let’s all take the time to celebrate that gift just a little more.

Abstract

In 2010, Americans spent nearly $10.7 billion on 9.5 million cosmetic procedures (American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, 2011). Since 1997, the first year in which the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery (ASAPS) began collecting data, there has been a 155% increase in the total number of cosmetic procedures. According to a recent survey, more than half of Americans approve of cosmetic plastic surgery. As surgical and nonsurgical cosmetic procedures become normalized in our culture, changing expectations about age and beauty ideals may be altered in a way that can impact physical, cognitive, social, and emotional development throughout the life cycle. This paper explores the culture of cosmetic medicine, the social implications of its increasing popularity, and the resulting shift in ideologies that can contribute to increasing ageism and the unending quest for unachievable ideals, while also considering a cross cultural perspective and counseling implications.

Literature Review

There has been extensive research on the motivations that drive consumers of cosmetic procedures. While much of the literature focuses on college-age females, some studies have looked at the attitudes of older men and women. Regardless of age, many respondents who have either had one or more cosmetic procedures performed, or approve of cosmetic procedures, place less emphasis on the features for which they sought alterations, and more on the extraphysical benefits of doing so (Adams, 2010). In a study of motivational narratives, Adams found that the most prominent theme for the basis of opting for one or more procedures was “the notion that having surgery would have extraphysical effects, such as increased self-esteem or increased attractiveness to potential partners.” (p. 764). Adams went on to add “there was also an acute cognizance of the societal pressures to look young and attractive, and many respondents suggested that these messages, from media outlets and society in general, played a role in their decisions to have surgery.” (p. 764). The impact of media and the expectations of society are shown to have an impact in virtually every piece of literature reviewed for this paper.

In a study of the factors affecting the likelihood of having cosmetic surgery, Swami et al. found that there is a greater sociocultural pressure on women than men to attain and incorporate beauty ideals, and because these pressures are seen as normative for women, cosmetic surgery can appeal to those seeking a way to feel better about their bodies. (p. 217). Sarwer et al. had similar findings in their study of body image in its relation to the pursuit of cosmetic procedures. Their conclusion revealed that “for many individuals, cosmetic surgery appears to be an adaptive strategy to address body image dissatisfaction … thus, the pursuit of cosmetic surgery may be related to some form of psychopathology, which may be more appropriately treated by psychotherapy than cosmetic surgery.” (p. 107). Indeed, in the same study, breast augmentation patients reported more appearance related teasing, and more frequently used psychotherapy than the control group. (p. 106). In a case study by Lijtmaer (2010), a patient’s preoccupation with her outward appearance was a way to mask her intrapsychic feelings which were a result of unresolved conflicts with her mother.

It’s important to note that the pressures to move closer to an idealized image are not limited to women. Returning to the study by Adams, we see that men are opting for procedures that will make them more attractive to others in the “dating scene” (p. 759) and possibly give them more opportunities in a competitive job market where a younger generation is entering the workforce (p. 757).

Because some findings indicate the presence of a cohort effect from Baby Boomers who tend to feel that their physical age is incongruent with their mental age and are, therefore, more likely to resist aging naturally than pre-Boomers (Clarke, 2007), it is important to examine the motivations behind the largest age cohort in America. (Ferguson, 2010). In their examination of older women’s perceptions of natural and unnatural aging, Clarke and Griffin found that while women who had not had any surgical or non-surgical procedures viewed natural aging as the acceptance of the physical realities of growing older, another group who subscribed to the benefits of cosmetic procedures viewed natural aging as “unattractive, if not objectionable, as well as risky in light of the social and physical realties of growing older.” (p. 198). To this group, using medical technology to enhance or alter their appearance is a requirement of aging as later life becomes “further devalued and socially repugnant in a society underscored by ageist values and norms.” (p. 199). In a study by Slevec and Tiggemann (2010), they proposed and confirmed that aging anxiety defined as a “combined concern and anticipation of losses centered around the aging process” (Lasher, 1993), is a strong component in the decision to pursue cosmetic procedures. Aging anxiety and the pursuit of beauty are reinforced in the media and perpetrated by the cosmetic industry with books like The Wrinkle Cure (2000) by dermatologist Nicholas Perricone (as cited by Bayer, 2005) in which he refers to “wrinkled, sagging skin” as a “disease, and you can fight it”. Additionally, with the emergence of reality television programming touting the life-altering effects of cosmetic procedures while minimizing the risks involved, a normalization of participating in cosmetic enhancements has had a persuasive effect on potential patients. (Slevec, 2010).

While some people argue that age-defying and beauty-enhancing products and procedures can be liberating against the seemingly unstoppable effects of aging, Bayer proposes that such options “buttress the notion that looking old — and thus, being old — is socially, medically, and personally undesirable.” As cosmetic surgery and non-surgical procedures become more affordable in a competitive market, it is important to consider the psychological and social ramifications of body altering procedures. (Gilmartin, 2010). In her review of current literature, Gilmartin concludes that the medical system “bolsters and benefits from the larger consumer-orientated society by colluding with the beauty ideal and cultural mores.” (p. 1807). In a report on ethical challenges within the cosmetic surgery industry, Atiyeh et al. also concluded that physicians participating in the selling of cosmetic services and offering aesthetic services face inherent conflicts of interest, pointing out that it becomes “ethically suspect, breaching obligations of beneficence and honesty, when a physician trades on the status of doctor to sell a clinically unproven product (2008).” In so doing, not only is the culture at large exploited through their insecurities and poor body image, but those with psychopathologies such as eating disorders and body dysmorphic disorder are at greater risk of exacerbating their condition through procedures which by virtue of their disorder can not produce the results they seek. (p. 1804).

Discussion

The increasing popularity in cosmetic surgery and non-surgical procedures seems to take us down a slippery slope. Where does one draw the line between getting a pedicure, putting on lipstick, using Botox injections, or having abdominoplasty (tummy tuck)? By participating in a beauty culture, are we adding to our potential or entering into a vicious cycle of body dissatisfaction? According to Sarwer, some studies have revealed continued improvements in psychological functioning in the first year following cosmetic surgery. However, Sarwer also points out it is possible that “improvements may diminish, particularly if they are related to the frequency of positive feedback patients receive about their postoperative appearance.” (p. 109). More studies need to be done to research the long-term psychological impact of cosmetic surgery, particularly in a culture of medicine where many surgeons’ mantra is said to be ‘start early, do often’, (Gilmartin, 2010), a philosophy internalized by many pro-cosmetic procedure participants across numerous studies reviewed for this paper. Additionally, with 19% of cosmetic procedures performed on racial and ethnic minorities in 2010, more research needs to be done on the relationship between the work being done and its psychological impact on members of different cultures who have to mitigate the ideals from their own cultures with those of a new culture in which they desire to become a part of.

Though ideals of beauty change over time as a result of many influences, Western cultures, and in particular, white cultures seem to dominate the ethos of beauty. In Lijtmaer’s review of the literature, she found numerous studies that point to an increase in body dissatisfaction as non-white groups become acculturated into American culture. (pp. 205-207). With the current widening in socioeconomic gaps, access to cosmetic procedures could further reinforce the difference in status between the haves and have nots, which may be delineated across cultures with minority groups in lower income brackets and less access to expensive procedures.

Another concern I have is the possible pressure exerted on those who otherwise have a healthy body image and self perception. As cosmetic procedures become more accepted and affordable, we run the risk that it becomes a new standard and practice in which we are to participate if we wish to be deemed normal. Take for example the predominantly female practice of hair removal. Though women may not want to participate in the practice, in American culture, it is seen as socially unacceptable to have hair on the legs and underarms, and indeed, according to Toerien et al., “body hair is a flaw, unfit for public display”, (2005). Therefore, women practice hair removal as a necessary part of maintaining femininity, an act, which Toerien suggests serves to “reinforce the view that underpins all the body-changing procedures, from make-up application to cosmetic surgery: that a women’s body is unacceptable if left unaltered.” (p. 400). So, although at this time, I choose not to color my hair, accepting the gray as it comes with age, there may come a time when I am competing for a job, or perhaps even a mate, against peers who participate more extensively in the beauty culture and present a younger facade which in turn may give them an advantage — an advantage that I too could obtain by making similar choices. So one can be faced with giving in to a new norm or facing the consequences of trying to stay true to oneself.

There is no denying the inherent appeal of beauty throughout animal nature. Birds have their plumage to attract a mate, flowers have bright, bold colors to attract their pollinators, male lions have large manes to intimidate their opponents. All of these attributes signify their potential ability to be successful in their environment, surviving challenges and attracting a mate to produce offspring. It could be and has been argued that humans, in this regard, are no different, at the basic level, which provides a basis for our quest for youth and beauty. If, at our core, our purpose is to pro-create, then we are likely to seek out those who reflect the ability to successfully do so. However, as humans, we have the benefit of higher thinking to take in a bigger picture when assessing the desirability of others, whether we are seeking a mate, an employee, a friend, or a nanny. What alarms me about the rising numbers of people seeking cosmetic procedures is that it places an increasing importance on outward appearance while potentially diminishing the value of what is inside. As discussed in depth by Namir (2006), when the outward body becomes the ultimate means for expression through transformation, a person risks abandoning the inside for the outside. In Namir’s interpretation of one patient’s decision to have procedures done, she chose to hide “in homogenization, looking as the world deemed attractive rather than emerging from her own aliveness, radiance, sensuality and self-expression.” (p. 218).

Counseling Considerations

The counseling considerations in relation to the booming cosmetic surgery industry are wide reaching since its impact spans all four domains of development across the stages. As children enter into adolescence and face changes in their bodies, pressure to make their bodies conform to physical ideals that may only be met through unnatural means could lead to risky behaviors such as disordered eating. At a time when identity formation is at its peak, increasing emphasis on physical appearance can lead to a devaluation on internal qualities that make up the identity. As a person continues throughout the life cycle, the pursuit of physical ideals might lead to continued disappointments as an individual tries in vain to live up to fabricated ideals that hold no basis in reality. Maintaining a focus on superficial traits can influence social relationships as a person forms personal connections with others based on externally formed values. And while the long term physical affects of plastic surgery and more recent cosmetic procedures have yet to be extensively measured, it seems impossible to escape at least some negative physical ramifications of these procedures.

Interventions

As clients evaluate their own self worth in the therapeutic setting, it is important to consider the impact of the beauty culture within which we live and work with clients to set standards for self evaluation that are less dependent on external measures while also allowing for the inevitable pressures placed on us by society to look our best on the outside regardless of how we feel on the inside. With patients who are considering or have already used cosmetic procedures to enhance their self perception, counselors should evaluate the goals the patient ultimately believes they will attain by having procedures done and work to understand the underlying psychopathologies that may be contributing to a diminished self image. Interventions could include working with a client to discover internal measures of value, focusing on past accomplishments that occurred irrespective of the client’s physical appearance, and working on goals that can continue to build on a person’s inner qualities. Also, since a focus on external appearance may be a coping mechanism for masking interpsychic conflicts (Lijtmaer, 2010), a greater understanding of unresolved issues that may have arisen even far in the past may present a relevant context for their attitudes and allow for an opportunity of resolution.

As a counselor, I would have to be cognizant of my own body image and views on cosmetic surgery. Past struggles with an eating disorder and defining my value based on physical appearance predisposes me to judgements about others in decisions they make based on their own physical appearances, particularly when they engage in surgical and non-surgical cosmetic procedures. Prior to researching this topic, I felt certain that in most cases, a patient’s body image and overall psychic well being would not benefit long term from cosmetic procedures because my assumption was they were focusing on external, easily manipulated “problems” rather than focusing on deeper issues that may present bigger challenges a patient is not ready to face. While that may be the case for some, I would need to remind myself that each person presents different experiences and therefore different responses to those experiences and some may in fact benefit from the very procedures I naturally find myself opposed to.

References

Adams, J. (2010). Motivational narratives and assessments of the body after cosmetic surgery. Qualitative Health Research 20(6), 755-767.
American Society of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, Cosmetic Surgery National Data Bank Statistics, 2010.
Atiyeh, B., Rubeiz, M., & Hayek, S. (2008). Aesthetic/cosmetic surgery and ethical challenges. Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, 32, 829-839.
Bayer, K. (2005). Cosmetic surgery and cosmetics: redefining the appearance of age. Generations, Fall 2005, 13-18.
Clarke, L.H., & Griffin, M. (2006). The body natural and the body unnatural: beauty work and aging. Journal of Aging Studies, 21, 187-201.
Ferguson, R. & Brohaugh, B. (2010). The aging of Aquarius. Journal of Consumer Marketing, 27/1, 76-81.
Gilmartin, J. (2010). Contemporary cosmetic surgery: the potential risks and relevance for practice. Journal of Clinical Nursing, 20, 1801-1809.
Lasher, K.P., & Faulkender, P.J. (1993). Measurement of aging anxiety: development of the anxiety about aging scale. International Journal of Aging & Human Development, 37, 247-259.
Lijtmaer, R. (2010). The beauty and the beast inside: the American beauty — does cosmetic surgery help? Journal of the American Academy of Psychoanalysis and Dynamic Psychiatry, 38 (2), 203-218.
Namir, S. (2006). Embodiments and disembodiments: the relation of body modifications to two psychoanalytic treatments. Psychoanalysis, Culture & Society, 11, 217-223.
Sarwer, D.B., & Crerand, C.E. (2004). Body image and cosmetic medical treatments. Body Image 1, 99-111.
Slevec, J., & Tiggemann, M. (2010). Attitudes toward cosmetic surgery in middle-aged women: body image, aging anxiety, and the media. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 34, 65-74.
Swami, V., Arteche, A., Chamorro-Premuzic, T., Furnham, A., Stieger, S., Haubner, T., & Voracek, M. (2008). Looking good: factors affecting the likelihood of having cosmetic surgery. European Journal of Plastic Surgery, 30, 211-218. DOI: 10.1007/ s00238-007-0185-z
Torien, M., Wilkonson, S., & Choi, P.Y.L. (2005). Body hair removal: the ‘mundane’ production of normative femininity. Sex Roles, 52, Nos. 5/6, 399-406. DOI: 10.1007/ s11199-005-2682-5.

After nearly three years of work, my novel, Confessions of a Failed Anorexic is finally available! Here is the description as it reads on Amazon:

Sarah Thompson went on her first diet when she was seven years old, and has been on a dieting roller coaster ever since. Longing for what she doesn’t have, the unfulfilled stay-at-home mom goes on a journey of self discovery tainted by the pursuit of a perfect body. An unlikely friendship with fun-loving and thin-obsessed Stacy Vargus leads Sarah down a path she believes will bring her closer to a world she has spent a lifetime chasing, only to realize it doesn’t exist. An unexpected reunion with an old friend unleashes a passion for life Sarah had long forgotten, giving her a new lens through which to view her world.

This debut novel by Michelle Cantrell offers an entertaining twist on keeping up with the Joneses while revealing the dangers of losing oneself to the superficial status symbols of suburban life.

Sharing this with the VenusVision community, I am aware that some readers may be fighting an eating disorder. For that reason, I would like to share what I wrote about the title in my novel.

Being involved in the Eating Disorder Community, I’m sensitive to the emotions Confessions of a Failed Anorexic might elicit in some. The reason I chose the title is that for much of my life, that’s how I felt. Years of disordered eating skewed my thinking to the point that I believed an eating disorder would bring me happiness in the form of a thin body. I was naive in thinking that if I could somehow become anorexic, I could control the eating disorder. Though I never did become anorexic, I periodically practiced starvation and purging, and was eventually diagnosed with an Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS). I finally sought help when thoughts of food and hatred towards my body, combined with destructive behaviors dominated every moment of my life.

Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes and as many as 10 million females in the United States suffer from an eating disorder. Despite the fact that eating disorders have the highest mortality of any mental disorder, the majority of people with severe eating disorders do not receive adequate care. (National Eating Disorders Association, 2008)

It is my hope that this novel will demonstrate how the destructive nature of disordered eating can easily cross over into an eating disorder, and bring life and death complications with it. After recovering from my own eating disorder, I began discovering all life has to offer when one isn’t entirely devoted to achieving an arbitrary ideal of beauty and thinness. I hope that others can find the same hope and begin to aim for more in life than a number on the scale.

At this time, the novel is only available on the Kindle. If you don’t have a Kindle, there are still many devices for which a free Kindle reader application is available, such as PCs, Macs, iPads, iPhones, Droids and Blackberrys. To download a free app, go to Amazon.

I am hoping in the future there will be a print edition. Until then, I hope you will share my novel with anyone who has ever struggled with body image and their relationship with food.

Note: This book contains content that may be triggering for some who are suffering from or in recovery from an eating disorder.

Confessions of a Failed Anorexic

Now I’m not so sure. Why should I be cautious with my optimism? Why can’t I just be optimistic outright? Yes, holding back on optimism is a way of protecting ourselves from disappointment, but by expecting less than the best from our futures are we shorting ourselves on the power of hope?

Just because I am optimistic doesn’t mean I am not being realistic. I am well qualified for the graduate program to which I have applied, and feel that I would make an excellent student within the program. But I know that there may be more well qualified people than openings in the program, and regardless of my expectations, I will be disappointed if I am not admitted into the program. Being cautious about my feelings really won’t provide much buffer against that disappointment, and the reality is, disappointment is a part of life. It’s how we learn to grow, adapt, change, and find new paths. It is not something to shield ourselves from, but instead channel into something purposeful.

How do you approach your future? Do you live your life expecting the worst to avoid being let down or do you open your hear to the endless possibilities life holds for you?

The spare bedroom in our house is known as ‘the office’. Although the only piece of furniture that now occupies the room is a futon which is usually pulled out in the bed position and covered in toys that have spilled over from our kids’ rooms, it once served as a home office for my husband. And, even though he moved his office into the basement more than a year ago, the bedroom which has become our guest/play room will likely forever be known to us as ‘the office’.

Fortunately, our spare bedroom doesn’t have an identity that is being warped by conflicting ideas of who it is and who it should be based on past experiences. People, on the other hand, are different.

An individual’s identity develops over time, shifting and growing with each life experience. But sometimes it becomes easy to get wrapped up in maintaining a piece of your identity from the past even if it may not reflect who and where you are now. This can be physical, as in “I am dieting to get back to the body I had in high school”. Or it can be emotional, where one might lament what they see as a loss in the life they had in the past, as in a parent longing for the care-free days of their pre-child life.

While past experiences are an important part of who we are today, remaining tied to the past can lead to feelings of frustration and discontent. Instead of hanging on to who you “used to be”, concentrate on who you are now, reflect on the positive things, and consider what you might change for the better — not in an effort to get back to the past, but instead to move toward a better future.

Have you been trying to go back in time? What would happen if you let go of the person you “used to be”?

But the reality is, the number on that little label that no one ever sees indicates absolutely nothing about me — not my health, not my beauty,  not my worth. And if that’s the case, why should that little number affect me positively or negatively.

I remember a few years ago, when I had worked hard to lose a lot of weight, counting every calorie, and working out every single day to the point of exhaustion, my prize when I reached my goal weight was to buy a pair of expensive designer jeans. But when I got to my goal weight, and tried on a pair in the size that I thought should fit me, I was disappointed to find them to be too small. And I let that be my measure of success — a measure I had not yet lived up to.

Now, a good 30 pounds heavier than I was at that time, I know I don’t need to wear a pair of designer jeans or fit into a certain size to mark my success at good health.

Do you let the number on a tag determine your success?

I could go in to details about the things that were bringing me down, but ultimately, I see them as irrelevant. Given the mindset I was in, if it hadn’t been those particular things I was latching on to as a reason to feel blue, it just would have been something else. After a month or more of feeling this way, I finally decided to speak to the one person outside of my marriage that has always understood me and offered me sage advice: my Dad. I was eager to pour my heart out to him, hear his sympathy end empathy as he felt the injustices of the events I would portray to him.

It didn’t quite go as planned.

I did pour my heart out, and he did listen. And he was sympathetic to my feelings. But ultimately his response could be summed up by the phrase “get over it”. No, he didn’t actually say those words. And he didn’t use that tone with me. But the gist of what he said, no matter what I threw his way, was “You can not look to others to bring you contentment in life. You have to look within yourself.” I wanted to scream. That’s not at all what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear:

“Wow, honey, that’s really terrible. You have every right to be upset.”

or

“I agree that you should be mad. Let me see what I can do about it.” (This, even though I’m nearly 39 years old.)

or

“Things sound really tough right now. Here’s what you should do.”

Well, I guess he did tell me what I should do, but it wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

He also told me a story of a woman he had known years ago who was dying of cancer and was bitter and angry about everything in her life — a jerk of a husband who had left her in the middle of her illness, and of course, the illness itself. My dad’s advice to her was to to take just one day to live in the present, and observe everything around her, every act she did, as if she was seeing and doing it for the first time. I know it sounds like a simple task, but after she took his advice, she reported back to him that it was the most amazing experience. She felt the lather of her shampoo as she washed her hair, she noticed the warmth of the water while doing the dishes, she heard the birds chirping, and saw the trees swaying in the wind. Yes, she was still dying, but without focusing on what was going to happen at some unknown time in the future, she was able to enjoy living in the time she had right then and there.

Still, after hearing the story, I thought what does this story about a woman dying of cancer have to do with me? I went home after our lunch and sulked some more. After all of these years of my Dad knowing exactly what to say to me, how could he be so off the mark this time.

But, the more I thought about his words, the more I opened myself up to them and let them sink in. After all, isn’t that what I am always telling everyone else? Isn’t that what my messages on VenusVision are all about? Finding contentment from within? Living in the present? I can’t dole out advice but with conditions. I can’t dole out advice and then not follow it. (Ok, I know everyone does that, but this is pretty important advice to follow.)

The morning after our lunch, I woke up and made a decision. I wasn’t going to be down anymore. I focused on the little things and saw them with the wonder they deserved. When you really think about it, isn’t every little thing in our life a miracle?

For more than a month, I had felt as though my heart had just shut down. I wanted to find the on switch, but just didn’t know where to look. After hearing the words of my father, I was able to look and see that it was always right there inside me and all I needed to do was turn it on again.* Once again, I take time each day to be thankful of all I have in my life and reach inside to find the contentment I know is there, ready to be received.

* Though I was feeling down for what to me seemed like a prolonged period of time, I want to make the distinction between what I was feeling and what someone goes through with clinical depression. In no way do I wish for my experience to undermine that of someone with a serious mental illness.

Now, for the most part I have learned to view myself as a pretty good parent through the simple observation of the fact that my kids are actually really great people who are kind, caring, creative, smart, respectful and in general, a joy to be around. And they didn’t get this way through a sheer force of nature. Sure, some of their traits may be genetically predisposed, but I like to think that I bring out those traits.

In that vein, my friend Erin suggested I write an article about how our kids foster the best in us. It’s funny — though I have stopped most of the negative self talk when it comes to my own parenting, it shocked me when I first heard her suggestion because I never considered this possibility. And then she went on to clarify: “Our children inspire us to be our best selves, rising above our own insecurities so that we do not pass them on to our children. If we’re shy, we make ourselves be social in moms groups and play dates so our kids will have the social life we never had. If we’re naturally lazy, we invoke our inner athlete to model healthier behavior for them. If we are TV-addicts, we vow to read a new book a month. If we obsess about food and weight, we model healthy eating and food choices for our kids, etc. In so doing, we actually become the people we wish we had been all along and the parents we always wanted to be.” I couldn’t have said it better myself. (Which is why I didn’t try!)

So I reflected on the particular ways in which my kids do make me be my best. Not surprisingly, my friend’s particular examples resonated with me. As a young child, I was left to my own devices when it came to making friends. Of course, things were a lot different back then, when there weren’t waiting lists for play groups, but I led a pretty solitary childhood. When I had my own children, I was naturally inclined to enjoy the company of other mom’s anyway, but even now that my kids are older and play dates don’t include other moms, I am eager for my kids to socialize with other children and look for opportunities for them to do so outside of school.

I was also pretty lazy as a kid, preferring to spend most of my time in front of the TV, pigging out on bowls of cereal or ice cream. I didn’t play any sports or participate in any group activities. My kids on the other hand enjoy soccer, gymnastics, ice skating, swimming, riding bikes, going for long walks in the woods or just running around with no particular purpose.  And while they would gladly plop down in front the TV, they would take any of those activities over their favorite TV show any time. My children also see the commitment I have to my own physical fitness through running, swimming, biking and going to they gym. Sure, there are times that I don’t feel like doing anything myself, but for the sake of getting them moving, we just do it.

I also was not a big reader as a kid. (See above reference to TV.) Although I’m sure my parents read to me from time to time, a love of books was never fostered. But from the time my kids were infants, I read to them virtually every night at bed time, as well as other times too. Now that my older daughter is 7, she is a voracious reader that completely lives up to the title of “book worm”. My younger daughter isn’t reading on her own yet but will happily sit down to have a book read to her or even look at a book on her own.

It goes without saying that throughout my life I have obsessed with food and weight issues. Having two daughters, I am particularly conscious about what messages I send to them in regards to their own appearance and the food choices that they make. I NEVER make comments about my own body (or anyone else’s including theirs) in front of them, and in fact have worked hard to come to terms with and love my body unconditionally in an effort to lead by example. I offer my kids a healthy diet and am proud that while they enjoy their share of junk food, they also gladly eat up things like spinach, asparagus, broccoli, artichokes, and even ask for a salad from time to time. We talk about the value of foods and the concept of moderation, and encourage them to listen to their own bodies. It’s a miracle to me at times to watch them dig into a piece of cake at a birthday party, only to take a few bites and realize that they are full, and don’t want any more.

I suppose it’s natural for us to identify what it was about our own upbringing that we didn’t like and swing the pendulum in the opposite direction, but whatever the underlying motivation, my friend has pointed out to me that, while my kids do from time to time bring out the worst in me, I am a better person for having them in my life, and will always strive to be the best I can be for them and for myself.

Now, an airplane is loud, and I knew I had heard her correctly, but with what was probably a bit of a stunned look, I said “what?”. She instantly realized her mistake and tried to cover her tracks.

“I mean your flight. How much further do you have to go,” she stammered. Too late. I knew what she meant. And frankly, I couldn’t blame her. While I’m not a particularly large woman, I have been blessed with the eternal pooch. No matter how much weight I gain or lose, my pear shaped body seems to hold tight to my tummy which, yes, can resemble that of a pregnant woman. Add to that the fact that I was wearing an empire cut maxi dress, leaning against the wall of the airplane, probably accentuating my stomach, and the mistake she made doesn’t seem so out of the question.

I went along with her change in course and replied that I was headed home. And, that was it. I didn’t go back to my seat and spend the next hour and a half of my flight stewing and brewing over what she said while clouds of self hatred materialized around my body. I simply took it for what it was — an honest mistake, and moved on.

There was a time I would not have been so non-chalant about such a mistake and indeed, it is not the first time it happened. (The first time was when I was in 10th grade when a teacher asked me if I was pregnant, but that’s another story entirely!) And the last time it happened prior to the airplane episode, a guy at the gas station pointed to my stomach and asked in one-word broken English, “Baby?”. My answer? “Nope, just fat.” And then we laughed together.

Once upon a time, these types of comments would have propelled me into my next diet, extreme exercise routine, or depending on where my head was at the time, straight into a bag of chips.

But really, if you think about it, what’s so insulting about someone thinking you’re pregnant. Yes, I know the obvious answer is. But the reality is, that’s the way my body is shaped, and even at my very lightest — when I was counting every calorie in and out — I still had my tummy. We go way back, and it’s not about to leave me now. I can choose to resent it, or accept it the way it is, and the occasional pregnancy comments that come with it.

Besides, the flight attendant gave me a free movie and for the prices airlines charge for such luxuries these days, I’ll deal with the pregnancy faux pas now and then for a free in-flight chick flick.