When Size Doesn’t Matter

Though I prefer to wear skirts and dresses during the warmer months of the year, occasionally I have a need for wearing shorts, and recently found my wardrobe lacking somewhat in that department. While doing some other shopping in Target recently (LOVE that I can now get my groceries there!), I noticed some shorts on sale and grabbed a few different sizes to try on since I wasn’t sure how much give there would be in the stretchy cotton fabric. I started with the largest size, and felt a twinge of disappointment when they fit perfectly. But then I reminded myself that there is little rhyme or reason to the numbers on the tags in most of the clothing we buy. In my closet, I have clothes in four different sizes, all that fit me well.  So I could be upset about a larger number in one item of clothing, or thrilled about the smaller number in another piece of clothing.

But the reality is, the number on that little label that no one ever sees indicates absolutely nothing about me — not my health, not my beauty,  not my worth. And if that’s the case, why should that little number affect me positively or negatively.

I remember a few years ago, when I had worked hard to lose a lot of weight, counting every calorie, and working out every single day to the point of exhaustion, my prize when I reached my goal weight was to buy a pair of expensive designer jeans. But when I got to my goal weight, and tried on a pair in the size that I thought should fit me, I was disappointed to find them to be too small. And I let that be my measure of success — a measure I had not yet lived up to.

Now, a good 30 pounds heavier than I was at that time, I know I don’t need to wear a pair of designer jeans or fit into a certain size to mark my success at good health.

Do you let the number on a tag determine your success?

Even Happy People Get the Blues

I generally consider myself to be a pretty happy, positive person. I try to look for the bright side in situations, I give thanks every day for the life I have, and I work to steer clear of negativity in my life and in those around me. But earlier this year, I went through a period in which I lost sight of all those things, and latching on to something negative, I spiraled downward, fueled by each new seeming injustice I thought was being thrown my way.

I could go in to details about the things that were bringing me down, but ultimately, I see them as irrelevant. Given the mindset I was in, if it hadn’t been those particular things I was latching on to as a reason to feel blue, it just would have been something else. After a month or more of feeling this way, I finally decided to speak to the one person outside of my marriage that has always understood me and offered me sage advice: my Dad. I was eager to pour my heart out to him, hear his sympathy end empathy as he felt the injustices of the events I would portray to him.

It didn’t quite go as planned.

I did pour my heart out, and he did listen. And he was sympathetic to my feelings. But ultimately his response could be summed up by the phrase “get over it”. No, he didn’t actually say those words. And he didn’t use that tone with me. But the gist of what he said, no matter what I threw his way, was “You can not look to others to bring you contentment in life. You have to look within yourself.” I wanted to scream. That’s not at all what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear:

“Wow, honey, that’s really terrible. You have every right to be upset.”

or

“I agree that you should be mad. Let me see what I can do about it.” (This, even though I’m nearly 39 years old.)

or

“Things sound really tough right now. Here’s what you should do.”

Well, I guess he did tell me what I should do, but it wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

He also told me a story of a woman he had known years ago who was dying of cancer and was bitter and angry about everything in her life — a jerk of a husband who had left her in the middle of her illness, and of course, the illness itself. My dad’s advice to her was to to take just one day to live in the present, and observe everything around her, every act she did, as if she was seeing and doing it for the first time. I know it sounds like a simple task, but after she took his advice, she reported back to him that it was the most amazing experience. She felt the lather of her shampoo as she washed her hair, she noticed the warmth of the water while doing the dishes, she heard the birds chirping, and saw the trees swaying in the wind. Yes, she was still dying, but without focusing on what was going to happen at some unknown time in the future, she was able to enjoy living in the time she had right then and there.

Still, after hearing the story, I thought what does this story about a woman dying of cancer have to do with me? I went home after our lunch and sulked some more. After all of these years of my Dad knowing exactly what to say to me, how could he be so off the mark this time.

But, the more I thought about his words, the more I opened myself up to them and let them sink in. After all, isn’t that what I am always telling everyone else? Isn’t that what my messages on VenusVision are all about? Finding contentment from within? Living in the present? I can’t dole out advice but with conditions. I can’t dole out advice and then not follow it. (Ok, I know everyone does that, but this is pretty important advice to follow.)

The morning after our lunch, I woke up and made a decision. I wasn’t going to be down anymore. I focused on the little things and saw them with the wonder they deserved. When you really think about it, isn’t every little thing in our life a miracle?

For more than a month, I had felt as though my heart had just shut down. I wanted to find the on switch, but just didn’t know where to look. After hearing the words of my father, I was able to look and see that it was always right there inside me and all I needed to do was turn it on again.* Once again, I take time each day to be thankful of all I have in my life and reach inside to find the contentment I know is there, ready to be received.

* Though I was feeling down for what to me seemed like a prolonged period of time, I want to make the distinction between what I was feeling and what someone goes through with clinical depression. In no way do I wish for my experience to undermine that of someone with a serious mental illness.

What Do Your Kids Bring Out in You?

I love my kids dearly, but they have the unique ability to occasionally bring out the worst in me. When this happens, I feel like the worst parent and lowest person on the face of the earth. I know it’s not the end of the world to scream at your kids from time to time, but that doesn’t make me feel any better after I have done it, particularly if they just caught me at a bad time. I used to dwell on these moments, using them to define my abilities as a parent, leaving me feeling inadequate to say the least.

Now, for the most part I have learned to view myself as a pretty good parent through the simple observation of the fact that my kids are actually really great people who are kind, caring, creative, smart, respectful and in general, a joy to be around. And they didn’t get this way through a sheer force of nature. Sure, some of their traits may be genetically predisposed, but I like to think that I bring out those traits.

In that vein, my friend Erin suggested I write an article about how our kids foster the best in us. It’s funny — though I have stopped most of the negative self talk when it comes to my own parenting, it shocked me when I first heard her suggestion because I never considered this possibility. And then she went on to clarify: “Our children inspire us to be our best selves, rising above our own insecurities so that we do not pass them on to our children. If we’re shy, we make ourselves be social in moms groups and play dates so our kids will have the social life we never had. If we’re naturally lazy, we invoke our inner athlete to model healthier behavior for them. If we are TV-addicts, we vow to read a new book a month. If we obsess about food and weight, we model healthy eating and food choices for our kids, etc. In so doing, we actually become the people we wish we had been all along and the parents we always wanted to be.” I couldn’t have said it better myself. (Which is why I didn’t try!)

So I reflected on the particular ways in which my kids do make me be my best. Not surprisingly, my friend’s particular examples resonated with me. As a young child, I was left to my own devices when it came to making friends. Of course, things were a lot different back then, when there weren’t waiting lists for play groups, but I led a pretty solitary childhood. When I had my own children, I was naturally inclined to enjoy the company of other mom’s anyway, but even now that my kids are older and play dates don’t include other moms, I am eager for my kids to socialize with other children and look for opportunities for them to do so outside of school.

I was also pretty lazy as a kid, preferring to spend most of my time in front of the TV, pigging out on bowls of cereal or ice cream. I didn’t play any sports or participate in any group activities. My kids on the other hand enjoy soccer, gymnastics, ice skating, swimming, riding bikes, going for long walks in the woods or just running around with no particular purpose.  And while they would gladly plop down in front the TV, they would take any of those activities over their favorite TV show any time. My children also see the commitment I have to my own physical fitness through running, swimming, biking and going to they gym. Sure, there are times that I don’t feel like doing anything myself, but for the sake of getting them moving, we just do it.

I also was not a big reader as a kid. (See above reference to TV.) Although I’m sure my parents read to me from time to time, a love of books was never fostered. But from the time my kids were infants, I read to them virtually every night at bed time, as well as other times too. Now that my older daughter is 7, she is a voracious reader that completely lives up to the title of “book worm”. My younger daughter isn’t reading on her own yet but will happily sit down to have a book read to her or even look at a book on her own.

It goes without saying that throughout my life I have obsessed with food and weight issues. Having two daughters, I am particularly conscious about what messages I send to them in regards to their own appearance and the food choices that they make. I NEVER make comments about my own body (or anyone else’s including theirs) in front of them, and in fact have worked hard to come to terms with and love my body unconditionally in an effort to lead by example. I offer my kids a healthy diet and am proud that while they enjoy their share of junk food, they also gladly eat up things like spinach, asparagus, broccoli, artichokes, and even ask for a salad from time to time. We talk about the value of foods and the concept of moderation, and encourage them to listen to their own bodies. It’s a miracle to me at times to watch them dig into a piece of cake at a birthday party, only to take a few bites and realize that they are full, and don’t want any more.

I suppose it’s natural for us to identify what it was about our own upbringing that we didn’t like and swing the pendulum in the opposite direction, but whatever the underlying motivation, my friend has pointed out to me that, while my kids do from time to time bring out the worst in me, I am a better person for having them in my life, and will always strive to be the best I can be for them and for myself.

What to Say When You’re Not Expecting (But Look Like You Are)

Recently I was on a flight back from California after a fun long weekend with a friend. Since I’m on the East coast, the return flight is usually about 5 hours and I get a bit antsy sitting in my seat, squished and uncomfortable. After getting up to use the rest room (or should I say ‘lavatory’), I decided to stand a while and stretch my legs. Since the flight attendants had already been through with the service cart, they were casually chatting amongst each other. Seeing me standing there, one of the flight attendants turned to me and asked, “So how far along are you?”.

Now, an airplane is loud, and I knew I had heard her correctly, but with what was probably a bit of a stunned look, I said “what?”. She instantly realized her mistake and tried to cover her tracks.

“I mean your flight. How much further do you have to go,” she stammered. Too late. I knew what she meant. And frankly, I couldn’t blame her. While I’m not a particularly large woman, I have been blessed with the eternal pooch. No matter how much weight I gain or lose, my pear shaped body seems to hold tight to my tummy which, yes, can resemble that of a pregnant woman. Add to that the fact that I was wearing an empire cut maxi dress, leaning against the wall of the airplane, probably accentuating my stomach, and the mistake she made doesn’t seem so out of the question.

I went along with her change in course and replied that I was headed home. And, that was it. I didn’t go back to my seat and spend the next hour and a half of my flight stewing and brewing over what she said while clouds of self hatred materialized around my body. I simply took it for what it was — an honest mistake, and moved on.

There was a time I would not have been so non-chalant about such a mistake and indeed, it is not the first time it happened. (The first time was when I was in 10th grade when a teacher asked me if I was pregnant, but that’s another story entirely!) And the last time it happened prior to the airplane episode, a guy at the gas station pointed to my stomach and asked in one-word broken English, “Baby?”. My answer? “Nope, just fat.” And then we laughed together.

Once upon a time, these types of comments would have propelled me into my next diet, extreme exercise routine, or depending on where my head was at the time, straight into a bag of chips.

But really, if you think about it, what’s so insulting about someone thinking you’re pregnant. Yes, I know the obvious answer is. But the reality is, that’s the way my body is shaped, and even at my very lightest — when I was counting every calorie in and out — I still had my tummy. We go way back, and it’s not about to leave me now. I can choose to resent it, or accept it the way it is, and the occasional pregnancy comments that come with it.

Besides, the flight attendant gave me a free movie and for the prices airlines charge for such luxuries these days, I’ll deal with the pregnancy faux pas now and then for a free in-flight chick flick.

The Importance of ‘We’ Time

As marriages evolve, particularly with the introduction of children, it can be easy to forget the importance of “we time”. In this day and age, moms are always encouraged to carve out “me time” for themselves, but marriages and partnerships need extra nurturing and attention periodically too. It provides an opportunity to reconnect with the person you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with. At some points in your marriage, when you are more in tune to each other, this might not seem so hard. But it is natural for each partner in a marriage to develop in a different direction from time to time, which may make you less inclined to spend time together. Of course, that is when it is the most important to find ways to reconnect with one another, rather than waiting until you have become virtual strangers living under the same roof.

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and take frequent opportunities to acknowledge and celebrate the fact that we have a strong, happy marriage. In fact, it’s better than ever. But it didn’t get that way by chance. While we each have a healthy sense of ‘me’ within our marriage, pursuing our own interests, and spending time with our own friends, we  also have a strong sense of ‘we’ and we make sure the needs of ‘we’ are met as much as the needs of ‘me’. With two children in elementary school, sometimes carving out time for the two of us can be hard. But it would definitely never happen if we didn’t plan for it. The surprising thing is though, just because you plan time to spend together, doesn’t mean you have to go to great lengths to make the time you have together special.

We are not big gift givers, so we typically use our anniversary as an excuse to go out for a nice meal. While our big anniversary date night is yet to come (we are celebrating this weekend at a fine French restaurant nearby), I wanted the actual day to be celebratory as well, so I bought a bottle of sparkling wine and prepared a nice meal to be served after our kids were in bed. As we enjoyed our quiet, candle-lit dinner of braided salmon (recipe compliments of The Wicked Noodle), roasted garlic and baby potatoes, and broccoli rabe, followed by chocolate souffle, it dawned me how relatively easy it was to make an ordinary evening into something extra-ordinary.

I’m not saying you should prepare gourmet, candle-lit meals every night (though really, our anniversary meal wasn’t that hard). But even something as simple as picking one night a week to eat dinner together after the kids are in bed can give you a chance to take a deep breath and spend some quality time together. If you don’t like to cook or don’t have time, make it less stressful by serving up a prepared meal, or even fast food, but take the extra step of putting the meal on nice plates, put on a little music, and relish the moment of quiet the two of you have together.

If enjoying a nice meal together still seems like too much effort (which it would have to me when my kids were infants), sometimes just being close to one another, with light physical contact can keep those connections alive. Instead of turning on the TV and flipping through the channels, try curling up together under a blanket, and reading your favorite books. You many not be talking, but your bodies are communicating.

And of course, having a night on the town going to a favorite restaurant or listening to some live music is always a great way to enjoy each other’s company. I find that just having a date night to look forward to, regardless of what our plans are, creates a fun air of anticipation. We try and schedule a night out at least once a month, and make up for the time in between by catching up after the kids are in bed. I’m definitely looking forward to our fancy French dinner!

Listening to that Voice that says “SLOW DOWN”!

As I rushed in from the grocery store around noon, scurrying about trying to get groceries put away, I started contemplating what the quickest meal I could whip together for lunch would be so I could get on with the rest of my busy day. A smoothie? Some yogurt mixed with fruit and cereal? An apple with peanut butter? No, no, and no. I don’t have time to sit down long enough to eat any of those things, I thought. Maybe, I considered, I could just get a smoothie while I was out. That would eliminate my having to make it, then wash the blender, and I would have it in a cup that was ready to travel with me through the remainder of my activities.

And then, as I bustled about in my kitchen, feeling stressed about all that I felt needed to be done urgently, I suddenly stopped. A voice that I have only recently learned to listen to said “SLOW DOWN!” And at that moment, I decided I would not fall back into old habits of devouring my meal, trying to get to the next task, the next moment, without paying attention to the moment I was in or to the task that was right in front of me — the task of nourishing my body properly. I got the rest of my groceries put away,  put together a plate of warm pita bread, some hummus, a couple slices of cheese, and some carrots, and sat down with a large glass of water, and ate my lunch slowly and with awareness. It was not a fancy meal, but it was delicious and nutritious, and once I made the decision to enjoy it slowly, it felt nice to take a break, and regain some perspective on my life and all that has been filling it lately. When I was finished, instead of jumping back into the fray of chaos that I mistakenly viewed my day as, I took my dog for a much needed (for both of us) walk.

Sure I’ve been busy lately. In addition to being a full time mom of a 8- and 6-year-old girls, maintaining (albeit loosely) a household, and trying to stay current with VenusVision, I have also started a group for women to explore and improve their relationships with food and their body, and I have recently launched a home-based business of selling a line of jewelry called Stella & Dot. Add to that the other things that pop up, like birthday parties, out-of-town guests, and end-of-school-year activities, and what you might get is one crazed, stressed out mom. Or, at least that’s what you would have gotten a year ago. But you know that voice I mentioned earlier? Well, I’ve been working on letting her have her say more often. She is the voice that knows I can do my best when I am taking care of me. She is the voice that reminds me that the world will not stop turning if I don’t get the laundry put away right away, or if there are clumps of dog hair here and there, or if I don’t get to most of the other things on my to-do list right away. She is the voice that reminds me that I only have one life to live, and that if I spend it always trying to get to the next moment, I will reach the finish line wondering how I filled my years, my days, and my hours.

And so, after I slowly ate my lunch, and took my dog for a walk, I did get out to run a couple of more errands. But now I am sitting here writing this, even though until a couple of hours ago, this post was not on my to-do list, hoping that I can encourage you to slow down, take a breath, and savor the moment, whatever that moment might bring for you. If you are feeling like this is the worst time to try and slow down, that probably is a pretty good indication that you need it more than ever. Take a deep breath. Go for  a walk. Read a book — anything that serves as a speed bump in your life because you need it and you deserve it.

Are You Ready For Swim Suit Season?

The messages to lose weight are omnipresent, but there is a new vigor about them as we approach the dreaded “swim suit season”. We fret about our perceived flaws all year long, and as the weather gets warmer, and we have to peel off the layers of clothing, our insecurities are also brought to light. Generally people seem to have one of two approaches this time of year: Work out like crazy, and eat like a bird in an attempt to squeeze into the mold of what one “should” look like in a swim suit; or, hide their head in the sand, avoiding the issue altogether, and finding new ways to call additional layers a “swim cover-up”.

How many summers have you spent your time at the pool or beach fretting away over how you looked in your swimsuit rather than splashing around or digging in the sand? Is that anyway to live? If you have kids is that what you want them to remember about your play time together? Or maybe you just avoid those situations all together. How much more time are you going to give to the negative thoughts that keep you down and out, and prevent you from experiencing life from the fullest?

I’m here to offer you a third approach to the swim suit season. Find the swim suit that fits the body you have now, and wear it with confidence, regardless of your size and shape. The only reason you are afraid to put on a bathing suit is because you have been so conditioned to think that you can only look good in one if you are a size 2, have flat abs, and a BMI of 18. But I beg to differ. Just do a google search on “plus size swimsuits” and you will find image after image of women representing many different sizes who look body confident and just all around beautiful in their swim wear. And let’s face it, that’s what so much of it comes down to anyway — body confidence. Do you think Queen Latifah hides under the umbrella because she doesn’t want to show off her larger than life curves? I can’t say with good authority, but I would guess when she walks out onto the beach or alongside the pool, she commands attention with her poise, and self-assured stature that reveals nothing short of body confidence.

These models wearing Lane Bryant swim wear certainly don’t look self conscious. If you saw them on the beach, the only thing you would notice about them would be how beautiful they are.

This year, say no to the last-ditched attempts at quick weight loss that don’t do anyone any good, and instead declare the coming season a summer of fun that won’t get “weighed down”.

The Ills of Flip Flops

Nothing says summer quite like flip flops. What would summer be without them? On that first warm day of each season, I love to set my cooped up feet free, don one of my many adorable pairs, and hear that ‘flip flop’ noise they make with each step. But after I started suffering from lower back and leg pain that seemed to coincide with warmer weather and the relegation of my more supportive shoes to the back of my closet, I began to ask myself if once again I would have to make a choice between fashion and comfort.

After beginning physical therapy for my ailments, I offered my theory to my therapist, and he agreed that with my weak arches, wearing flip flops constantly could have been a culprit in the pain I was experiencing.

According to Lawrence Rubin, DPM, “The flimsy construction of flip flops provides zero support to the feet — something that is unhealthy to almost all feet.” He encourages the regular use light-weight athletic shoes with built-in arch supports. Timothy M. Axe, DPM agrees. He offers the good, the bad, and the ugly on flip flops:

The good: flip flops provide basic foot protection to the bottom (plantar) foot. They may help prevent catching fungal infection and warts in public showers. Flip flops are good for short periods of time, quick errands, and periods when the wearer is not doing a lot of walking.

The Bad – flip flops offer no support for the arch, no shock absorption, no heel cushion, and not much protection on the top and sides of the foot. They lead to greater risk of toe injuries, puncture wounds, cuts from foreign bodies, and possible insect or snake bites. They are not good for sports. Flip flops accentuate any biomechanical deficiencies of the foot. They may also affect balance and may lead to falls particularly in older patients.

The Ugly: There are an increasing number of cases of plantar fasciitis (arch/heel pain) and tendonitis in the foot and ankle, particularly in the 15-25 year old age range, where typically we do not these problems as much.

In case you weren’t convinced yet to ditch your $5 flip flops from Old Navy just yet, Dr. Stephen Arbetters, a podiatrist in Newton, Mass, added:

“In a normal flip-flop the front of your foot has to work harder to keep the flip flop on. That can lead to tendonitis, arch pain and hammer toes.” This means that even some of the flip flops that offer arch support may not necessarily be much better for your feet. Just because they feel comfortable, doesn’t mean they are providing the support and protection you need.

“For all the shoes seductive sponginess, 99 percent of them provide no support. So they can stress other joints, causing pain in the knees and back. Flip-flops also don’t absorb shock and they are unstable which makes it easier for the wearer to turn an ankle.” Arbetters sees many patients who wear flip-flops with conditions such as plantar fasciitis, an inflammation of the tissue on the bottom of the foot.

Podiatrists weren’t the only people I spoke with who had an opinion on the matter. I also heard from Aliesa George, a Pilates instructor and personal trainer who spends her days working with people to improve their posture, strengthen their core, and create proper muscle function through simple foot care exercises, awareness about good shoe choices, and improved shoe tying techniques.

George reiterated the notion that flip flops offer no support, and added to the discussion more on the mechanics:

“Most feet that I see wearing flip flops are rolled in at the ankle which causes the arches to continue to drop or flatten to the floor. Over time this reduces the mobility of the ankle, and will lead to knee, hip, and back issues because the base of support (the bottom of the feet) are not functioning and being held in proper alignment for the rest of the bones to stack correctly on top of them. Since our muscles attach to the bones and act as a lever and pulley system, if the bones aren’t lined up correctly, the lever system for correct and proper muscle firing for exercise and everyday movement will be compromised. If this compromise occurs daily, with every step you take, all you are doing is reinforcing bad posture, body alignment, and improper muscle firing patterns for movement. With time, the ONLY thing that can occur is pain and injury.”

I personally thought all of my problems could be solved by switching from flip flops to Mephisto Helen sandal with support for arches and a cork footbed. But as Aliesa George could probably have told me, a little extra support in the arch was not enough. “The toe muscles are working incorrectly with every step you take in flip flops (this holds true for every pair of strapless shoes.) The big toe and second toe are constantly squeezing together to hold on to the shoe. Not only do the first two toes squeeze together to hold a flip flop on the foot, but all the toes curl under to “grab” the shoe and keep it on during the swing through phase of each stride. This is the exact opposite of what the toes should be doing when you take a step!”

While George reminded me that she is not a shoe expert, she suggested that if you do want to wear sandals, look for options with a strap that goes around the ankle to help hold the shoe on the foot. She has also written a book on foot care exercises called Fantastic Feet. You can also purchase a combination kit that comes with the book and all the tools you need to do the exercises.

So now that you are thoroughly depressed (if you’re like me) over the prospect of eliminating an icon of summer, there is a silver lining. First, Dr. Jonah Mullens, a podiatrist with the Pacific Foot and Ankle Institute in Palo Alto, Ca., offered an everything in moderation approach suggesting “you can wear something a little less than sensible 20% of the time if you commit to comfortable shoes the other 80%.”

For that 20% of the time you still really want to wear flip flops, based on my research, there are definitely some that are better than others.

The makers of Beech Yoga Sandals cite Prevention Magazine which touted the sandal as a “better Flip-Flop for the way the sandal promotes balance and stability.” Owner and creator Gayle Trenberth says “Yoga Sandals® stay secure on the foot while walking and allow the tendons and muscles in the feet to work in freedom with proper heel support. Yoga Sandals® help keep feet flexible and enforce a basic principle of yoga which is to spread the toes to achieve optimal grounding and proper body alignment to master the standing poses.”

Some other brands that offer a little more cushioning and support support are Rainbow Sandals, Reef Sandals, and the FitFlop Thong Sandal the makers of which actually claim gives you a workout while you walk.

If you want to take a step in the right direction, but aren’t ready to close your feet in, try sandals with ankle straps like these Merrell Savannah sandals or Dansko Women’s Serafina Sandal

If you’re like me, and ready to throw the towel in all together on sandals, but still want a light weight, cute summer shoe, try these Privo Acacia mary jane shoes. I have a pair, and they are really comfortable and look great with jeans and shorts, and even some of my sportier skirts.

At this point in my life, I have more of an appreciation of my body and am interested in doing what I can to take care of it. I figure I don’t need to accelerate the decline of my body by wearing shoes that don’t offer the support I need to maintain a strong and healthy back and legs.

What If You Were a Fat Vampire?

You’ll have to forgive me for the following analogy, but I’ve always had a thing for vampire stories (LONG before teams Edward and Jacob emerged!) and subsequently I’ve been immersed lately in the Sookie Stackhouse vampire series (the stories from which HBO’s True Blood were derived) by Charlaine Harris.  Though there are many variations in vampire myths in terms of their behaviors and weaknesses (garlic, crosses, sparkling in the sunlight), there is one thing all vampire stories have in common. When a person becomes a vampire, they remain as they are at the time they are turned — for eternity (or until they meet the sun). That means, if you are a handsome young man, you will forever appear to be a handsome young man. If you are a tall, buxom woman, you will forever be a tall, buxom woman. And lest you think you could get a boob reduction (if we’re talking modern vampire stories), in most lore, think again. Because of a vampires ability to heal, the likely result of any cosmetic surgery would be the eventual return to the way things were at the time the vampire was turned.

Ok, yes, I realize I’ve put way more thought into this than what might be considered healthy for a grown woman, but the whole thing got me thinking: what if you were bitten, and instead of like in the movies where all the vampires are sealed in a state of perfection for eternity (thanks to lots of HD make-up and computer enhancements), you weren’t exactly at your fighting weight when you were turned. Ok, let’s drop the euphemisms. Let’s say you were fat when the undead came along and sunk his teeth into you, bringing you over to the dark side. Imagine knowing that no matter what you did or ate (and let’s face it, drinking blood can’t really be all that calorically dense) or how much you ran at lightening speed to catch your prey, you would never, ever lose weight (ok, you might already feel that way). Would you be destined to spend an eternity feeling depressed because your body didn’t meet the ideal of one short period in history? Would you sulk around waiting for the next Rubenesque period to come along? Would you seek out Fat Vampire Support Groups?

I see a different scenario for my imaginary fat vampire. Maybe at first, you are a bit bummed about being stuck at your less-than-ideal weight until the end of days. But I think that would quickly be replaced by the incredible new abilities and opportunities you would have. Sure, immortality has its down side, but just play along with me here!

First of all, vampires have notoriously super-human strength. Imagine being able to walk down a dark alley and not being afraid of anything or anyone because whomever came along (except maybe an older, more powerful vampire), you could kick their butt! Secondly, they heal pretty quickly. Paper cut? No problem. Broken arm? So what? Severed leg? You’ll grow a new one! Third, in many vampire stories, you can fly, if not in your ‘human’ form, at least in bat form. Now I know most people aren’t crazy about bats, but hey, if you could fly from New York to LA without having to buy a plane ticket — especially with today’s prices, would you really complain too much? Fourth, you probably have some mind control over humans so you can make them do whatever you want. Hey — I’m not saying I would want — or use — that ability myself, but as long as we’re looking at the pros here, give me a little slack! And of course, even though you would be fat for eternity, cholesterol, diabetes, high blood pressure and other problems associated obesity will be a thing of the past. No more doctors giving you the tsk tsk and telling you that you’d better lose weight or else (or else you’d suck his blood!).

And then there are the opportunities! Bucket list? How about Giant Vat list? I mean, so you didn’t get to do that study abroad program in Paris that you were dying to do in college. Now you can go next year, or next decade, or next century. What’s the rush? It will still be there. Never had enough time to learn a foreign language? Now you can learn ten! What’s that hobby you’ve been meaning to take up but thought it would just be a waste of time? Knitting? Fencing? Wind-surfing? (Ok, that one you might have to forgo, since I’ve never heard of night wind-surfing). You get the idea.

What I’m trying to say here — the long confusing obscured point I’m trying to make is that if you absolutely positively had no other choice but to accept the only reality that was given to you, you would HAVE to eventually give in to it — embrace it even. So why not do it now? Why not learn to be content in the reality you are in even if it’s while trying to bring about a new reality. I’m not saying succumb to all of the things that give you grief in life, but I am asking you to consider accepting that it’s a part of your life, but only just that — one part. And it’s a part that may change — a part that you may choose to and have the power to change. Or it’s a part that might be that way forever. But dwelling on the negative things in our lives, whether it’s our body shape, the size of our breasts, or anything else that we perceive as less than, can make our short lives on this planet feel like an eternity, but more like an eternity in hell.

So take a look at your life — all of it, and reflect on what you love about it. Reflect on what you can change about it. And reflect on what will always be. And live it. All of it. With zeal.

365 Days of Reflection

Just before New Year’s, a photographer friend of mine asked me if I’d like to participate in a group she organized on Flickr. The goal of the group is to post one photographed self portrait each day for all of 2011. As I so often do, I agreed immediately without thinking about what staging, taking, editing, and posting one photo a day for the next 365 days would entail, particularly when trying to balance that with my other responsibilities in life.

I took on the project because I love photography but can get lazy about getting my camera out and using it to even half of its potential. I took a class teaching me how to use my camera almost a year ago, and yet I rarely venture beyond a few simple programmable functions on my complicated digital SLR. But I am finding the project so much more than just a creative outlet. It’s putting me in touch with my inner being, and bringing out sides of me I often wish I could show but for whatever reason don’t.

I have always thought that in general, I photograph well … that is to say, pictures of me generally turn out nicely. I consider myself one of the rare beings who always has a good driver’s license photo. Of course, when pictures of me don’t turn out so well, my inclination is to burn them, or as the case may be, delete them, but definitely not post them — especially on Facebook where any of my friends could see me in a less than favorable light.

But with this project, looking good isn’t the goal. The goal is to capture a mood, a moment, a feeling. Those moments don’t always look good. But I am moving beyond the need to present myself in the form that I most want people to see day to day, instead revealing more of what’s inside of me that I sometimes keep more hidden. Though today is only Day 4 of the project, I feel that the photos I’ve already posted reflect a broad range of emotions. The funny thing is, the pictures that I see as a less favorable reflection of myself, at least from a superficial stand point, seem to be the ones getting the most attention.

When I walk out of cycling class, dripping wet from sweat after an hour of working as hard as I possibly can, I would not see myself as a particularly attractive woman — indeed, most people probably want to get as far away from me and my sweat and my stench as possible. My clothes are soaked, I usually look like I’ve peed in my pants, and my head looks like I’ve just had a bucket of water dumped over it.

But this picture I posted of myself, in my opinion, reflects the inner strength I always feel after I work out. It’s not the most flattering picture of me, and it is only one of two pictures in existence that shows me in bike shorts because I’ve never been thrilled about my legs, let alone in bike shorts. Through the work I have done on loving my body and appreciating all that it can do, I now know that my legs are beautiful in this picture because they are strong.

Another picture I’ve gotten a lot of feedback on reveals a little more of me — literally. Interestingly, I had no reservations about posting this picture, despite the partial nudity. I felt like it was such a strong reflection of the love and appreciation I have for my body which I have only recently accepted as beautiful.

Another picture I posted juxtaposed a photograph of me as a child — one that was chubby and already learning that my body was not the ideal — with a photograph of me now. It feels good to go back to the beginning of so much pain and put the adult version of me next to it, almost as if saying “hang in there kid, there’s more to life than having a perfect body”.

Of course, at this point, I’m only 4 days into the project (though I’ve posted five pictures in the group because I couldn’t choose between the post-workout photo and the half nude photo yesterday). Creativity is fresh and young and flows easily. I recognize that it will be difficult to maintain my level of enthusiasm for the entire year. But the habit of reflecting on myself for a little bit each day has been so invaluable, I’m not sure I’ll want to give it up when the year is through.

(More of my photos can be seen on my personal Flickr page.)

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