Letting Go of Control

What do we truly have control over in this life?  The answer is simple.  We only have power over ourselves.  We have no control over the actions and ideas of others.  In that sense, we are merely passengers along for the ride.  Others must make their own life decisions.

While the idea of influencing only yourself can make you feel weak, a better way to view it is as a new source of freedom.  Knowing that you are the only vessel over which you have ultimate control should lighten your load of responsibilities.  After all, you only have a responsibility to maintain your own life and your own problems.  You can give your opinion to others.  You can recommend, advise, suggest, and advocate.  You can stress the importance of certain things and offer up stories of experience to back up your claims.  However, at the end of the day, each person is their own deliberator.

As women, we often feel the need to nurture the world.  We want to take on and solve the problems of the world; and of course we want to work out the troubles of our loved ones.  We think that if we were in the other person’s shoes we would have everything sorted out in no time.  We’re forgetting that it’s impossible to actually know what it feels like to be in that person’s shoes.  We have an entirely different life experience, and it’s ridiculous to think that we would have all of life’s answers in another body.  By assuming that we know better, we are disregarding the other person’s right to guide their own life.

It is essential that you realize that control over others isn’t real.  Control over others is an idea, a design created by you.  Your design for someone else, no matter how well intentioned, has no basis in reality.  Plus, this imaginary ideal will cause you an inordinate amount of stress.  Your stress levels will increase over something which you never had control of in the first place.  This can become a never ending merry-go-round of self-inflicted worry.  Take control worries out at their root—you.

If you think about it, trying to control someone is the same as forcing them to do what you want, but most of the time, force is not a viable option. Forcing someone to see things your way will never be as effective as explaining what you believe and helping them see your perspective. Exerting your choices and opinions on someone is more likely to cause resentment and ill will between you.  This is creating a lose-lose situation.  Let go and both of you can be winners.

Ultimately, we are all just doing the best with what we’ve been given.  Strive to be the best person that you can be rather than trying to make someone else into what we imagine is their best.  Attempting to control someone and getting upset when they don’t comply also renders us powerless.  Someone else should not be the center of your life.  You should never offer them that much control over you.  The only person that should have control over your life is you.  Grab the reigns and steer!  Let the other horses run wild.  Your horses are the ones who will carry you to where you desire to go.

Many thanks to Jean Albright for teaching me to look for the good in myself and to take control of my life!  Her guidance motivated this encouraging work, and I can never thank her enough.

Shopping Smart (and Cheap)

By Missy Ann Wilmoth

Finding things that you love while shopping can be a nightmare. Some days I refuse to go shopping even though I need to because I don’t have the energy to face the problems that come along with it. But it needn’t be that way. There are a few effortless tricks that can make retail hunting a whole lot easier, more affordable, and more fun!

Be a perfectionist.
I realize that in any other instance this would be a terrible idea, but in the shopping world perfectionism is the one thing standing between you and a lot of things you’ll never wear again. Try it on. Unless it fits perfectly and makes you look slim and fantastic, forget it. This way you can make your closet a sanctuary for perfect fits. Everything you own should flatter you. Don’t assume you can fix a stain or a tear. Know that you have appropriate undergarments for the item. Don’t buy a slightly small size and promise yourself you’ll lose weight. Be hard on your potential wardrobe. Find something that makes you look hot without any effort on your part. This way you can be confident in whatever you happen to throw on.

Shield your eyes until you get to the back of the store.
Clearance racks are always at the back of the store. This is a strategic move on the part of the company to encourage you to browse through regular priced items before getting to the sale items. Don’t get sucked in. You can find excellent items on sale, and you don’t need to pay full price when you can look fabulous for half off.

Know what you came for in advance. Scan. Don’t browse.
As mentioned before, browsing can lead to meaningless and non-specific purchases. If you look up what style you want before going shopping, you can expedite the process. Choose your color and style at home, and then scan the racks for something that meets your expectations when you get there. If you do want to browse, memorize the colors that look best on you. Then scan only in those colors. This will save you from buying something that you “mostly:” like.

Versatility is key.
It should be versatile enough that you can wear it with more than one thing. If you get too specific, you’ll hardly ever wear the thing. You want something that can be worn in many different contexts. If you’re buying zebra print pants, make sure that you know places you can wear them often. We all have outfits in our closets that we adore but never wear. Save yourself the pain of having to stare at your favorites and skip to the practical stuff.

Stay strong.
Don’t let friends or salespeople talk you into anything. This can be especially hard with friends. Just remember that the most important thing is that you feel good about the way you look. If you disagree with someone’s opinion, do not buy! You will regret it. Salespeople are trained to attempt to talk you into buying things you may not really want or need. If you feel pressured, leave the store. It’s your money. You have the right to spend it as you see fit. This isn’t high school. You shouldn’t have to endure peer pressure.

Rebel with a bargain hunt.
Never pay full price. You can find fashion gems for less. Stores like Ross, T.J. Maxx, and Marshalls have the market cornered on the discount designer shoes racket. And some excellent find can be found at outlet stores. Online, SmartBargains.com and Overstock.com are great places to get designer names for less.

Buy used, but buy carefully.
The only worry about buying secondhand is that you won’t notice an imperfection before purchasing. Make sure you survey every inch before you head to the cash register. Although, if you are going to buy something imperfect, it is best to do so at these kind of prices. Some stores have a half price day. Look into it. Be sure to check out the blue jeans. I buy all of my blue jeans at the thrift store. Often I buy designer labels. It only takes a bit of patience to find a treasure among the rest. Don’t forget to bring cash. Many places don’t accept credit cards.

Dump the excess.
Once you’re started your mission to exclusively stock your wardrobe with exquisite pieces, it’s time to clear out the Goodwill are eager to turn your leftovers into something special for those less fortunate. Your neighborhood might also have a local Freecycle community for getting rid of unwanted items. Don’t keep those out of date and ill fitting items hoping that one day you’ll be able to get into them. Find the stuff that makes you feel and look great today!

Is He Wrong for You?

Start a Conversation with Confidence

Silence. It’s the worst. When you’re on a date, it’s terrifying. When you find yourself in a sudden partnership with an acquaintance, it’s awkward. When you’re trying to make small talk with your boss, it’s stressful. If you could just get onto a topic that would get the ball rolling, you would be fine. But somehow, the conversation is coming in short, mundane jolts. Chatting about how troublesome the weather’s been lately is doubtful to lead to more casual, relaxed conversation. So how can you turn this tense encounter into a free, unforced dialogue?

You simply have to ask the right questions. Whether you are on one of your first few dates or meeting your neighbor, the objective is the same. You’re discovering common interests, points of disagreement, and generally getting to know the other person. The best way to learn something about another person is to ask. Small talk is meaningless. To establish a significant relationship, you must develop trust. In order to develop trust, the sharing of information is essential.

The following list can help you extract some relationship building information effortlessly. Some questions are obviously only appropriate in some situations. Use discretion, and don’t get too invasive too quickly. Now the next time you find yourself enduring an uncomfortable silence, you can keep it at bay. Make use of one of these conversation starters to launch banter that could help you find a great friend or boyfriend.

1. When you were young, what did you want to be when you “grew up”? Did you stick to your plan?

2. What cartoon character did you always want to be?

3. What celebrity (if any) do people always say you look like?

4. What has been your biggest challenge to date?

5. How would you define success?

6. If they made a film of your life, who would you want to play you?

7. What is your favorite theme/amusement park ride?

8. Have you ever gotten revenge on someone and why?

9. What is one thing that will cause you to lose respect for me?

10. What do you worry about more than any other thing?

11. What are your feelings about plastic surgery?

12. When you have to cut your budget, what’s the first thing to go?

13. What was the first thing that made you think that you and I should date?

14. What was your first impression of me? Do you think it was accurate?

15. Can you think of an example of a time someone truly betrayed your trust? Did you stay close with that person?

16. What is the most dangerous or stupid thing you’ve ever done?

17. Have you ever lied to me? Why?

18. How would you rank yourself in overall attractiveness? (1 being hideous and 10 being perfect)

19. If you could take over a celebrity’s body, who would you choose and why?

20. What’s a problem that your parents have that you want to avoid?

21. If you had 3 wishes, what would they be?

22. What were your childhood fears?

23. If it’s not a sensitive subject, has anyone close to you ever died?

24. What is your guilty pleasure—you know…something you love but don’t want anyone else to know that you love? (You might want to share yours first. “I like to watch trashy MTV reality shows.”)

25. Who were your best and worst teachers of all time and why?

26. What has been the happiest moment in your life to date?

27. What do you love about yourself most?

28. What has been your most embarrassing experience?

29. Who is your celebrity crush and why?

30. If there was a fire, what three things would you save?

31. What’s the best advice you ever got?

32. What’s the craziest dare you ever went through with?

33. Do you have any personal superstitions?

34. What was your favorite television show as a child?

35. Can you describe your most memorable party experience?

36. What frequency do you think is normal for couples to have sex?

37. Have you ever been in a situation where you thought you were going to die?

38. Have I ever embarrassed you?

39. If you could have any super power, which would you choose and why?

40. If you couldn’t live in the U.S., what country would you call home?

41. Who did you not like in high school and why?

42. What are your favorite places to visit alone?

43. What’s the worst trouble you’ve gotten yourself into?

44. What do you see yourself doing in 10 years?

45. Would you ever skydive or do any kind of thrill-seeking activity?

46. What is your biggest pet peeve?

47. Who has been the largest source of inspiration in your life?

48. If you were stuck on a desert island with only one kind of food, which food would you choose?

49. What are your bad habits?

50. What is the last thing you think about before you go to sleep?

Don’t forget to relate to the other person. Tell them if you have similar experiences. They will be more likely to share if they believe they are in accepting company. Good luck making new friends and establishing new love interests!

Maintaining Your Mane

Do you brace yourself at every trim?  Do you think of your long hair as one of your top five most attractive features?  Do you define yourself in part by your long hair?  Do you take good care of it?

Long hair has been a sign of femininity, beauty, and good character for centuries.  Not all that long ago, it was a defining feature of a woman.  Today we have far more freedom in regards to haircuts and hairstyles, but many of us still love the length of the old-fashioned days.

If you’re a long haired vixen, you know how challenging it can be to maintain your mane.  When women in the old days turned down dates claiming that they were “washing their hair”, it was because it was possible to be occupied with the task all night!  In many cases, they were actually washing their hair.  Granted, plumbing wasn’t the regulated convenience that it is today, but caring for long hair continues to be time consuming.

There are a few tricks that can make it easier to keep long hair healthy and radiant.  A few changes in hair habit can make care less daunting.  Grab your brush, snap a hair tie around your wrist, and prepare to give love to your hair!

Remember how the prissy girl in the movies always brushed her hair for a hundred, five hundred, or other ridiculous-hundred strokes?  Believe it or not—it’s not a terrible idea.  Brushing your hair for a larger number of repetitions spreads essential oils from your scalp to your ends.  Aside from your scalp appearing less oily, the proteins are then spread throughout your hair, strengthening the strands.  (*Note:  Beware of the round brush!  I once had a friend jokingly roll my hair up in a round brush, and it subsequently had to be cut out.  Just be careful!*) In addition, an equal distribution of oil gives hair that sought after shine.

The thought of spreading oil around your head might make you want to start lathering up the shampoo right now, but don’t do it!  Washing long hair every other day is the maximum amount of washings long hair can take and still be healthy.  Over-washing causes dryness and split ends.  Shampoo was designed primarily for the scalp.  It robs hair of body and the aforementioned essential oils.  Conditioner was designed for more universal, all over application (with particular attention paid to the ends).

If you’re already sporting that over washed lackluster look, there’s still hope.  Infusium 23 offers a cheap, effective solution to damaged hair.  Their (repair)ologie line makes a noticeable impact on brittle, unhealthy locks.  The bottle boasts that the product “fortifies the hair cuticle to alleviate breakage and split ends”, and the product delivers!  After a few washings, the texture of your hair will become soft and smooth.  And you can find it as near as the local CVS or Walgreens, or you can order it online at Amazon.com.

There are a few things to keep in mind about products.  Don’t go crazy with just one!  Hair responds best to two or three shampoo/conditioner combos being alternated.  This discourages product build up.  Remember to wash all product out completely.  And though hot showers are ultra relaxing, after the conditioner has gone the way of the drain, give your tresses a final cold water rinse.  Cold water rinsing closes the scales of the hair.  Similarly, cold water helps to close skin pores.  Closed scales make the hair more likely to have that supermodel sheen.  You know the one—where it’s so shiny it’s practically glowing.

Once you’re out of the shower, take heed of the hair dryer!  After you have pampered your locks, why force them to endure a scorching windstorm?  Excess heat equals damage, dryness, and split ends.  If you must use the blow-dryer, give your hair a few minutes to dry on its own first, then use a dryer with an ionizer. The ionizing feature adds shine and reduces flyaways and frizz.  Another dryer asset is a “warm” or “cool” setting.

The curling iron can fry your head like an egg on a frying pan if you’re not careful.  Did you know that L’Oréal has a line of products specially created to combat the effects of the curling iron?  Their Loreal Heat Control Heat Shield Ironing Mist
not only helps retain curl, but it makes those curls shiny and enduring.  The serum leaves the crispy mess that is usually left behind protected and beautiful.

If you color your long locks, you already know it’s not easy to achieve even coloring.  In between coloring, color glazes and color conditioners can help bring back vibrance.  I use Graham Webb Color Conditioner, and it has been a Godsend.  My roots grow out fast, and I’d be touching up every other week if it wasn’t for this product.  After I use it, I get compliments on my color all day the next day.  Red hair is especially hard to maintain anyway.  Webb has all the colors covered and even has different intensities of color.  Depending on my mood, I use sunfire red or ruby red to create a more natural or dramatic look.

If you do color your hair, don’t forget to match your eyebrow pencil to your hair color!  The mismatched look is a dead giveaway that you color your hair, and there’s no excuse when eyebrow pencils can be purchased for $1 nowadays.  You never want to go lighter than the hair on your head.  It looks bizarre.  Trust me.  Match those eyebrows for a natural look.

It is just as possible to keep long hair as healthy and brilliant as short hair!  Just show your hair some love—and you’ll love the results.  I promise!

Conquering Your Fears

Anxiety, apprehension, the jitters, the shakes, butterflies in your stomach–they’re all the product of one thing . . .

FEAR

Fear takes control of us. It dictates who we talk to and about what. It keeps us from tackling things that could actually be beneficial. Like heavy chains, it holds us back and keeps us from living our lives to the fullest. Fear ruins what could be our most treasured moments. But what exactly are we afraid of?

In most animals, fear has proven to be an asset. If the bunny doesn’t worry about the whereabouts of the fox, chances are–its fearless self is likely to become a meal. Nowadays most of us who live in cities with modern technology don’t need to be concerned about being gobbled up by a bigger animal. The grocery store has pretty much eliminated our need to hunt. We’re safe! So why do we continue to fear and fret?

Our society has developed a communal anxiety disorder. Human beings can no longer discriminate between a lion staring us in the face or an approaching work deadline. This leaves us constantly on edge and constantly afraid. What we continually forget is that if we miss the work deadline, chances are slim that we’ll be literally eaten alive. A slight reprimand is slightly different than losing a limb.

Fear continues to negatively impact us on a daily basis. How do we set ourselves free? How do we escape our fear-filled prisons?

We stop listening to fear! It may seem easier said than done right now, but every person is capable of reclaiming their life. It only takes a little concentration. Here are my own top ten ways to fight fear:

Top Ten Ways to Fight Fear

10) Remind yourself that letting fear affect you is selfish. I balked when I first heard this, and I almost walked out of the lecture hall. But as time goes on, the truth of those words become more and more apparent. Fear often keeps us from doing our best. It ends up being our scapegoat when our performances aren’t up to par. Don’t be selfish! Own up to your potential. The only person you’re hurting by not trying your best is yourself. Usually even the people for whom you are attempting to perform want you to do your best!

9) Break down whatever it is that has you so upset. Things tend to look less scary in pieces. The old scientific method can take the foreboding mood off of anything. I use this strategy in dealing with friendship issues. For example, if a friend is mad at me and has told others about how I am a terrible person, I ask myself if there has been anything I could have done to cause this. Then, I politely and tactfully confront them directly. Not only is it a time saver, but is usually keeps the friendship intact. In some cases, my friend and I have even gotten closer thanks to this method.

8.) Do one small thing per day that may intimidate you but is good for you. If you are shy, strike up a conversation with a stranger. It’s easier than you think! A question or compliment can earn you a valuable friendship. I have a fear “to do” list that I carry around with me. Baby steps towards an adult goal helps you get used to the water. You can get more comfortable with your fears step by step instead of diving in head first (which can be terrifying).

7) Make an encouragement buddy. If you’re aware that someone shares your same concerns, use the encouragement buddy system! Encouragement is so underrated in today’s society. You and your buddy can encourage each other to conquer your fear together. And nothing feels better than receiving genuine praise for something that was difficult for you. It can be incredibly motivating!

6) Persevere. Understand that you’re not going to become fearless overnight. You may occasionally revert, but the idea is to strive to achieve your best daily. Even President Lincoln had setbacks! Check out Lincoln’s whole story if you want to be inspired. The legendary Emancipator endured more trials and tribulations in those 30 years than most of will endure in our entire lifetime. If he could stick to it, so can you!

5) Speaking of inspiration, inspire yourself. Inspirational quotes, comics, and pictures are all over the internet! Transfer them to post-its. Then leave them in places you’ll discover when you need them. As Aristotle once said, “Happiness is the state of activity.” You may have to actively try to stop thinking about your fear, but it will be worth it. I currently have Gilda Radner motivating my coffee table. “While we have the gift of life, it seems to me the only tragedy is to allow part of us to die–whether it is our spirit, our creativity, or our glorious uniqueness.”

4) Never take life too seriously. If you can laugh it off, laugh it off. It’s easier to get through the day with a smile on your face than a frown weighing you down. Find a couple of pictures, cartoons, etc. that make you belly laugh. It’s important that it be something that has you laughing out loud. Now memorize it. Next time you are to face something that scares you–remember your laughing place. If you lighten up, it’s doubtful your problems will remain heavy. These Savage Chickens comics make me laugh. How about you?

3) Take off running. No! Not away from your issues. Exercise charges your body with endorphins. Endorphins encourage a positive sense of well being. Even a brisk 20-minute walk can help get those positive vibes going. Eating balanced meals and getting enough sleep is also a given for bringing out your brave side. A sound body and mind is more capable of making sound choices than a deprived body/mind.

2) Embrace that you’re not the only one who experiences these feelings. Movies like “As Good As It Gets” or “Dan In Real Life” exemplify how paralyzing fear can be and how fantastic and amazing it can be to overcome it. You are never alone. There is no “normal”. Every individual is different. Support groups exist for practically every phobia, but even just watching a motivational movie can perk you up.

1) Make a conscious effort. It seems too simple to be the number one way to battle your fear, but it works. Fear is often associated with the future. It is deeply rooted in the domino effect. We fear that something we do or did will cause a bad reaction creating more chaos and so on and so on. However, you can’t live the future, you can only live the present. Do not allow yourself to be devalued today so you can reap the benefits tomorrow. That kind of thinking will make your successes less sweet because you compromised yourself to get them. Making a conscious effort to live the here and now can present you with the joys of actually living life and not merely fretting about the future. The future is incapable of being enjoyed. So why are you so obsessed with it? Carpe diem! Seize today because today is the only time you really even can seize.

Now that you’re armed with a fear fighting arsenal, get out there and live! Don’t let anything hold you back. When you expect more of yourself and give yourself a chance to thrive, more often than not you’ll find yourself thriving in a reality where you are unafraid. That deep satisfaction with life isn’t as far off as you’d imagine. It’s as close as a smile, a run, a reminder, a million little things that set you in motion towards positive thinking. And you must remember never to give up. That’s the only instance in which fear actually wins. You know you’re better than that! Give up fear–not your happiness.