Battling Inner Demons

I recently was talking to a friend who revealed to me her long-standing, on-again-off-again battle with depression when she told me she found inspiration in the Beyonce’s new song “I Am … Sasha Fierce.” She explained how she related to the idea of an alter ego in an effort to separate herself from this other person inside of her. Only in her case, this other person was her depression, rather than the strong powerful woman conjured up by the name Sasha Fierce. My friend felt a little silly telling me she has personified her depression until I explained to her this is a common technique used in treating eating disorders, when often patients will identify their disorder simply as ED. Since ED is a voice constantly putting down the person in whom he resides, it makes sense to identify him in a way that allows patients to talk to him and fight back.

For years, I identified my own inner demons simply as “food and body image issues” — an abstract summation of the struggles I faced in my daily existence. Since my behaviors were defined more as disordered eating than eating disorder, the name ED didn’t sit right with me. While I recognized the power of seeing my “issues” as an entity separate from my core being, the idea of a man named ED, living inside of me, telling me I was fat, or ugly, or a pig, was not the image I had of my inner battles. Instead, when I was asked to envision the person constantly beating me down and holding me back,  I saw someone more along the lines of Mrs. X from The Nanny Diaries — cold, calculating, selfish, manipulative, and obsessed with control. Thus, my eating issues were reborn as Mrs. X.

Mrs. X didn’t just stop at telling me how I looked or how to eat. She convinced me I was an awful mother, a terrible housewife, and mediocre at everything else. She kept me down, instilling enough fear in me that I never really tried to do much beyond what I was absolutely sure I could do, at least without someone else holding my hand. The only time she would ever allow that I was good at anything was when I could measure my sucess by a number on the scale, the tag in my clothing, or the number of calories I had burned. But of course, even then she warned me failure was always just around the corner.

I have often prided myself on the fact that I don’t let negative people bring me down. If I realize a friendship is not healthy, or that it is more of a give-take relationship with me being the primary giver, I move on. Life is too short to be influenced negatively by those around you. And yet, my whole life, I had let Mrs. X control me without realizing it. But once I learned to separate my own voice from that of Mrs. X, I also learned how to ignore what she said. Next I learned to talk back. I would write her letters and tell her that although I knew she would never completely leave me alone, I would no longer let her control my life. When I was really mad, I would tell her to “F— off!”.

It’s been a while since Mrs. X and I were formally introduced, and for the most part I have marginalized her from my life, like a grumpy relative you can’t cut off, but keep your distance from. She periodically knocks at my door, and sometimes I ignore it, and sometimes, less often, I let her in. But as I have gotten to know Mrs. X, I understand how she works, and I know how to undermine her power. I also have learned to forgive her. She came into my life for a reason, and that was to protect me — from loneliness, boredom, and feelings of rejection. Though the ends didn’t justify the means, her presence was familiar and at times, all I felt that I had.

Personifying my inner struggles was a way for me to step outside myself and take my enemy head on. I am strong enough to stand by myself and facing Mrs. X was what proved my strength once and for all. The next time you hear an inner voice telling you that you’re not good enough, thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough, etc., say “I’m sorry, but you are no longer welcome in my house, and it’s time for you to move on … and don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”