Interview With Career Consultant and Author Nicole Williams

Nicole Williams is a girl on top. No, I’m not talking about someone’s favorite sexual position. I’m talking about the author the new career guide for women Girl on Top: Your Guide to Turning Dating Rules Into Career Success by Nicole Williams. In her third tell-it-like-it-is book for woman looking to get ahead, Williams uses the rules of dating to steer women to success in their careers. After reading the book and seeing Nicole speak at a book signing event sponsored by The Limited, I realized Nicole had valuable insight worth sharing with VenusVision readers, particularly for those looking for the right motivation to take the next step in their careers.

In Girl on Top, we learned that Nicole became very aware at an early age of the toll a job from hell can take on someone as she watched her mother go to work every day to a job she hated. Nicole was determined not to end up in the same position and took on the role of career investigator with every new person she met, assertively asking questions like “What do you do? What did you study in school? How much money do you make? Do you love what you do?”. Because of her inherent curiosity about people’s careers Nicole began looking for career resources that were not just pro-women, but also fun and entertaining — much like Nicole’s personality. Finding a shortage of books, web sites, and businesses that met her needs, she realized that no one was perhaps better suited for providing this information than she.

Taking on any one of the achievements Nicole has to her name — three published books, a career reality TV series called Making It Big, guest appearances on network televisions shows like The Today Show and Good Morning America,  a frequent contributor to Elle, Self, Glamour, and more, and founder of her own company, Works, just to name a few — it seems like she’s always shooting for the stars, and that’s just what Nicole did. I wanted to know how she was able to make the leap to start her own business, and she reminded me of her mantra: “To achieve the marvelous, think the unthinkable.” And so she approaches each endeavor in life by asking herself what her “unthinkable goals” are. Reflecting on her dreams and accomplishments, it was unthinkable to publish a book (let alone three). It was unthinkable to create her own television series. It was unthinkable to build a highly successful business from the ground up. But ultimately she said “the dreams that give me shivers are the ones that become my goals,” and with a lot of hard work, focus, and the ability to expand her horizons to open herself up to new opportunities, Nicole seems to be capable of achieving the marvelous. Perhaps the best part is, part what makes her dreams so marvelous is that she is helping other women achieve their dreams.

I wanted to know if there were some common factors among the women she counsels that were holding them back in their careers. While she addresses a variety of issues with her company, she sees a lot of women who just “want it now”; they are impatient. Though Nicole sees impatience as a virtue because of the drive that often accompanies it, she is quick to point out that success takes time and effort. She works to dispel the myth of overnight success because it leads to people expecting it too soon and then giving up too early. Nicole said she also sees a lot women settling, and she challenges them to “have big dreams and have high expectations for yourself because that’s directly proportionate to what you are going to get in life.” They are underestimating what they can do with their lives and at far too young of an age, they think this is as good as it gets.

Since Nicole spends a considerable amount of time addressing the importance of appearance, particularly as it relates to one’s career, I wondered if her own sense of style was one that she was born with. Though Nicole has always loved fashion, she said that her own sense of style has required a lot of trial and error. She explained that growing up in a small town exposed her to some more flamboyant styles and her response was to go in the opposite direction, seeking out conservative looks. With the benefit of  a personal stylist Nicole now has, she is able to think a little more outside the box in terms of fashion. When I saw her at The Limited, her look was stylish, sexy, and powerful resulting in the look of total confidence that reflects her personality.

For someone who has achieved the success that Nicole has, I was surprised at how open and approachable she is. I asked her about her divorce, and she admitted that “it shook me to the bone”. Having seen her own parents go through divorce, she was convinced she would never allow it to happen to herself. But in the end, she new that it was something she had to do, and while it was the hardest experience of her life, she had a vision of where she wanted her life to go and she remained focused on that vision, creating goals, and putting one foot in front of the other. She also admitted to, at times, putting on rose-colored glasses and wondering if she had done the right thing in leaving her husband, particularly after she started dating again. But ultimately the answer was the same, and she kept moving forward, taking stock of what she learned, and working towards creating the life and success she desired.

While Nicole’s career is obviously a huge part of her identity, and something she likely won’t set aside anytime soon, she places a lot of importance on developing a personal life — one well outside the bounds of work — and for herself, this is where her efforts are most focused for the near future. Professionally, Nicole has no regrets but she can’t say the same about her personal life as she laments not investing in the relationships she most values. Moving forward she plans on starting a family, devoting time to herself and her personal relationships.

Reading Nicole’s book, Girl on Top, and talking with her personally made me have little doubt that she means what she says when she states “anything is possible”.

Turning Hidden Talents Into a Business

Let’s face it: making a go at “it” on your own is scary. Whether it’s consulting work for an area with which you are already familiar, or a hobby you want to turn into a business, there’s no easy way to get a business going. Or is there?

Jacki Rigoni, owner and creator of jacki paper greeting cards is an example of a woman — a stay-at-home mother of three — who jumped in with both feet and came out, not just with her head above water, but floating along comfortably on the proverbial “lazy river”.

VenusVision wanted to know what some of her secrets were and how she managed to go from sending a few cute home-made cards to friends and family to having a name among local greeting card stores, heading towards national brand recognition. Whether you need a spark to light your own flame, or you just want to learn about an awesome woman, this interview is worth reading.

VV: When did you start making your own cards?

JP: I was on maternity leave with my first daughter, Stella. I had always been into my career as an advertising copywriter. But as soon as she came into the picture, I knew I wanted to find something that would allow me to make money without spending the whole day away from her. I think this is the quintessential mom dilemma.

I’ve always made my own greeting cards to send to family and friends. I certainly never considered that it could be a business—until I started thinking about what I was good at and, more importantly, what I liked doing. The question I asked myself, and what I tell other people to ask themselves is: What do I love doing in my spare time? That should give you a pretty good idea of where to look for business ideas. I mean, you’re going to put your whole heart and energy into it, so it better be something you love. And that usually means that it’s also something you’re good at.

VV: When did you realize you could turn your hobby into a business?

JP: There were two inspired moments for me.

The first was when I was meeting with two other moms for a playdate. Both had had successful careers before kids and both were transitioning to small business ventures as stay-at-home moms. They started talking about a guy who had been an advertising copywriter who became successful as an irreverent greeting card maker. I knew the card brand and liked it a lot, so it really hit home when I heard he was a former writer. It got me thinking.

The second moment was when I was telling a friend about my idea and her response was, “Jacki, of all the people I know, if anyone can do it, you can.” That was huge for me, because I knew she was right.

VV: What kind of initial investment did you make? Were you nervous about the investment?

JP: I initially had a run of my first designs printed for about $5k all told. It was a lot of money for me at the time, but not so much that I’d be on skid row if it totally flopped. I just wanted to do enough cards to get them out in the world and see if anybody liked them. I had no business plan. And really no idea what I was doing. I just went for it and figured I’d learn what I needed to along the way if I got a positive response.

I wasn’t nervous about the investment. What made me nervous was putting myself out there for the world to see. I was really nervous to show friends and stores my cards because they might think they were lame.

So the harder investment for me was my ego.

VV: What have you done to expand your business?

JP: I started by going store to store and quickly realized two things. One, I don’t like sales. Two, I’d never be able to spend the time needed to get my cards all around the country.

So I had to find sales reps, which I did a bit on my own. But recently I just hired my first part-time employee—another mom—to help me build my rep base and expand sales. That was a huge step for me—deciding that it was time to invest in someone to help me out. But one important thing I’ve learned, among the gajillion important things I’ve learned, is to focus on what I do best and outsource the rest.

VV: Where do you hope your card business will be in 5 years?

JP: I’ve kind of done things by jumping in the moving jump rope without a plan. Now that I see I have a viable idea for a brand, I’m working on actually having a 5-year plan and beyond. It’s always been in my head, but it’s time to put it down in writing and work toward it systematically. So that’s part of my growth and maturation as a businessperson.

In my head, I have greeting cards in 1000 boutique stores across the country and Canada, as well as a thriving online store. I also plan to expand to other products like t-shirts, but am working on developing other fun products, too. No mugs and magnets. And I want everything I do to support the brand concept of jacki paper and make it into a company people love and admire. So I want to make sure my growth actually grows the brand, not just the sales.

VV: How do you balance your work life with a family?JP: I want to meet the woman who can.

I often work until one or two a.m. But that’s because I have the flexibility to go with my kids to a mommy and me class or the park during the day. I try to fit that in first and make the work fall in around my kids. Which often means working when they’re in bed at night. I work a lot, but I guess that goes without saying for anyone who has her own business.

I do have a Blackberry, so I can work even when I’m at the park, just in case I do need to send an emergency email. But I try not to answer the phone. When I’m with my kids, I really want to be with them.

I also have an amazing mother-in-law who takes care of the kids during the day and a husband who takes them in the afternoon after work. So a supportive family system is key.

And an office with a door. That I can close if I have to get an order out. Or open if I need to kiss a skinned knee.
In jacki paper terms, it’s doing the hokey pokey and never forgetting what it’s all about.

VV: What has been the greatest motivating factor for growing your business?

Two things, really. First, I don’t want to let anyone down. All the people around me believe in me, and I want to prove them right.

Second, I want to be an example to my kids for how to have a family and do something that you create on your own, on your own terms, without having to answer to anyone else.

Oh, and to make a living. I guess that’s three.

VV: What advice would you give to other women who want to turn their passion into a business?

JP: Go outside and play. Surround yourself with people who believe in you and who are also doing their own thing. Seek out those people and get together with them. Go on play dates with them and bring your kids. It’s surprising how many moms are doing amazing things. It’s totally inspiring and motivating. It makes you realize you can do it yourself.

Put your whole self in. Try things, change if they don’t work, and do whatever you need to do to make it work. Know you won’t get it right the first time. Get feedback, constantly, change, and adapt. My first cards were small and horizontal, because I thought they were sweeter and it made sense that they should be the right way when you pull them out of the envelope. What I found out was that stores were putting them sideways on the shelf to save space. So you couldn’t read them as you stood in the store. I started making the cards bigger, vertical, with most of the design at the top third of the card so that you can see it when it’s peeking out on the shelf. But I only found that out after a year from a sales rep I was asking feedback from. I had to drag it out of him. And I had to be willing to change my design to make the cards pop off the shelf.

Also, create a brand, not just a name, service or a product. People want to buy an idea to believe in, not just a product. Try to create a whole brand identity for yourself. If you don’t know how to do that, pay someone who can. That’s the advertising writer in me still talking.

You can be anything you want to be when you grow up, so don’t dawdle. I find the biggest barrier for most people is just taking the leap of faith to go for it. So my best advice is: Wing it.

I did my research and set a short-term, audacious but attainable goal—having a booth at the National Stationery Show with 20 new cards. And I just went for it, even though I could have been way more prepared. I went to this huge convention, sight unseen, and pretended like I knew what I was doing. I then came home with a sales rep and a bunch of orders. I had to really scramble to get a fax machine and shipping boxes and so many other things I knew nothing about. But it was the kick in the pants I needed to get going.

So stop dilly-dallying and make it happen.

And finally, wear your nice underwear in case you get hit by a bus.

Additional comment to moms:

Before I had kids, I thought I’d never be able to do anything once I did have them. I’ve found the complete opposite to be true.

I have 3 kids—Stella, almost 5, Giovanni, almost 3, and Celeste, 1. And they’ve only been an inspiration to get my act together and live my life on my terms. Having Stella really made me focus on what I wanted out of my life and my family. In fact, you can look at my cards (My mother told me to pick the very best one and you are it.) and see how my kids and my own childhood inspire what I do.

So even though the kids make things technically more difficult—I’m juggling way more now and wonder what I did in my spare time as a single person—I’m much more organized, focused, and motivated.

And way more tired.

But then again, happier and more energized than I’ve ever been in my life.

About jacki paper:

It was a time when station wagons were paneled and jello was serious. In the Midwest suburbs, Jacki and her sisters were drinking from the garden hose and playing kick-the-can past dark. Little did she know how useful those experiences would some day become. As a grown-up, Jacki turned them into words letterpressed on paper like skates clamped on gym shoes.

jacki paper is Jacki Rigoni. She freelances as an advertising copywriter until this adventure lets her out for recess. She built a fort in Belmont, California, with her husband, Mauricio, and their young kids, Stella, Giovanni, and Celeste. She hopes to give their little ones a childhood as idyllic as her own.

Except, without wiping dirt off their faces using her own saliva.

Or ever, ever giving them a perm.

Interview With Actress and Screenwriter Joy Nash

Actress and screen writer Joy Nash, 28, is a big woman, or, in her own less euphemistic words, fat. In her film short Fat Rant she proudly announces that she weighs 220 pounds. And she’s ok with that since, she says, fat is just another three letter word. After watching her series of Fat Rant film shorts, I wanted to learn more about Joy, and share her wonderful perspective with VenusVision readers.

In a society that focuses on the two extremes of the constant quest for thinness and the high rate of obesity in our country, Joy rejects both the notion that thinness equals happiness and obesity equals laziness. Growing up, Joy was always the “big girl” among her peers. She recalled with a laugh that her arms were bigger than her friends’ thighs. Joy’s mother did show concern for her larger size and began restricting food “for her own good.” But ultimately Joy recoiled against the restrictions placed on her, took charge of her own eating habits, and in essence announced “I’m the boss of me.” This attitude has served her well in her career as an actress.

Not surprisingly, Joy always knew she wanted to be an actress. She performed in plays beginning in middle school and always got good, supportive feedback. As she got older, she started pursuing solo performances out of frustration that there were not more roles for her. She figured she could sit back and complain about the fact that no one wants to “tell her story” or she could do something about it, and write her own stories. She wrote Fat Rant when she was 21 and in college. At the time her best friend had brain cancer which led to limited physical abilities and ultimately to her premature death. The experience left Joy feeling outraged at the complaints of healthy women who fixated on their “flaws” and allowed their weight and insecurities to limit what they wanted to do — and were perfectly capable of doing — in life. Meanwhile her friend was physically unable to do those same things and yet refused to take ‘no’ for an answer, fighting until the end.

Watching the Fat Rant films certainly gives one the impression that Joy — an apt name I might add — has unwavering self confidence, and I asked her if that was the case. While the films do reflect the way she thinks and feels about herself overall, she reminded me that everyone has good days and bad days. But in general she considers herself “friends” with her body and feels grateful for what it can do, and the fact that she’s in good health. She has never felt like she had to “live up to some type of model standard because I’ve never been anywhere near it.”

Still, being overweight can lead to some emotionally painful moments when others are insensitive or downright rude, particularly when pursuing a career as an actress in LA. When I asked Joy how she handles some of the open criticism about her size that sometimes comes her way, she says she tries to look at the overall situation and realize that ultimately it’s not really about her, but instead it’s about the agenda and narrow mindset of the offending person. “I think it’s really important to not believe the hype … When people are talking shit about you, who are they and why should I believe what you’re telling me. If anyone would say something [negative] to me, then obviously you’re a poison source who I don’t need to be listening to anyway.”

Joy’s self confidence comes in large part from reading fat positive literature and blogs like Fatshionista, where women can find acceptance and encouragement to love the skin they’re in. There is also a section where members also upload photos of themselves in their favorite outfits which has really made a big impact on Joy’s views. “Just seeing people you’re not supposed to see looking beautiful and happy and fashionable, it changes so much. It just takes away the unavailability of everything.” In Fat Rant, she walks through stores like H&M and decries the lack of accessibilty to good fashion for larger woman in stores where the sizes stop at the rarely found 16. (For the record, Joy wears between an 18 and a 22.) But instead of letting it get her down, she has found other stores that believe fashion and larger sizes are compatible. In fact, to supplement her income, she works as a fit model for plus size clothing designers, kind of like a live mannequin, as she says.

At the end of our conversation, I asked Joy if she could create her ideal film role, what would that character be like. That was an easy question because she currently has the star role in the stage production Fat Pig, a story about a “regular guy” falling in love with a fat girl, and the fallout that ensues when his friends can’t handle the new relationship because of her size. If they made that into a movie, Joy said, that would be her ideal role. I have no doubt she’d be fabulous in it.

To see her Fat Rant film shorts, click below:

A Fat Rant

Fat Rant 2: Confessions of the Compulsive

Fat Rant 3: Staircase Wit

Abby Lentz Is Out to Change the Image of Yoga

For most of us, the word ‘yoga’ conjures up image of svelt women in form fitting clothing bending themselves in seemingly impossible ways. Of course, that’s a bit of a stereotype. Nonetheless, we don’t generally associate yoga, and especially yoga instructors, with people who are overweight or obese. Abby Lentz is out to change the image of yoga. An experienced instructor who has been practicing yoga for over 30 years, Abby, who is approaching her 61st birthday weighs upwards of 240 pounds.

Talking to Abby was invigorating and inspiring, and I couldn’t wait to share her experiences and perspectives on life, weight, and exercise with VenusVision readers. When we spoke, I immediately heard the zest for life Abby has. While many overweight and obese women retreat into themselves, hiding their bodies from the world and feeling ashamed about their weight, Abby is a woman who clearly has not let her weight get in the way of living a life full of fun, adventure, and opportunities to learn and grow.

Coming to yoga after the birth of her first child, Abby immediately fell in love with yoga, enjoying the self awareness that came with it, which she believes is the true value of yoga. “People come to the yoga mat thinking about their physical body … but they keep coming because of the sense of well being,” she said. However, yoga can be intimidating to someone who is overweight or obese, when there aren’t a lot of options available when it comes to fitness DVDs. Abby wanted to make yoga accessible to a group of people who would greatly benefit from all it has to offer but don’t have the opportunities for trying it. Going a step further than just a beginners class, Heavyweight Yoga accounts for overweight and obese participants through gentle, encouraging  language, and appropriate poses modified to take into account some of the limitations of someone who is larger.

“Yoga is a wonderful entry point [into exercise] if you’re obese because it can help bring you to a point of having a dedication to your health without risking injury. It gives you that feeling that you’ve started, that you’re making headway. And then when your body tells you it’s ready to do something more aerobic, yoga will be there to help you with that so you will be more mindful in whatever activity you choose and hopefully avoid injury.” Abby provides a safe environment for people to push themselves to the point of what she calls “sweet discomfort.” Abby describes ’sweet discomfort’ as the point to which you work your body to to the edge, and then go just a little bit further.”

Exerting yourself just a little bit more is where you’ll find progress according to Abby. “When you come past your edge, and you gradually move your edge further and further … it helps my students feel like they’re making progress. If you come to your edge every time, you won’t make any progress. You have to be uncomfortable but you don’t want pain.”

Abby points out that “sweet discomfort” is a great message to implement into your real life. “You don’t want to be doing the same thing every day. You have to take a little risk.” Not afraid to apply this philosophy to her own life, Abby has taken on many risks and reaped the benefits of pushing herself to her own point of sweet discomfort. In addition to being a successful yoga instructor with her own DVD and another one coming soon, Abby also considers herself a triathlete and a marathoner, having walked the Dublin City Marathon in 2000.

Up until finishing the Dublin marathon, Abby never thought of herself as an athlete. But after crossing that finish line, it changed her perspective, and she now views herself nothing short of an athlete. Though many might discount her huge accomplishment because she walked the entire marathon, I challenge anyone to walk 26.2 miles in a day, and then tell me how they feel! She finished 7093rd, and while the glass-half-empty outlook would only focus on the fact that 7092 people finished before Abby, she points out that 1.) she finished, 2.) there were more than 100 people who finished after her, and 3.) over 9000 people started the race, meaning that “lots of people didn’t complete the task they came to do.” Abby now proudly identifies herself as a marathoner and feels that the training and completion of the race brought her athleticism to a new level, which has led to her continuing interest in other endurance events. Currently, she is training for her 3rd triathlon, and an upcoming half-marathon.

Since Abby is making her living using her body at an age she points out is when many people are wrapping up their careers, I asked her about her relationship with her body and how that has evolved over time. She shared with me her insecurities about her body that started at the age of 10 when she began to consider herself fat as she was teased relentlessly by an older sibling about her appearance, which, they can now both admit was perfectly normal. But as she points out, body image fluctuates, and learning to feel ok with herself and her body came in large part from teaching yoga and being in front of people, wearing a unitard revealing her full self. “I teach in clothing that allows people to see exactly what I am asking them to do with their bodies. It was always the hardest part for me in the first year.”

When she started teaching, she had already been a student in that same class, so she found herself in a very supportive, familiar environment. But going out into the world made her come face to face with prejudice and stereotypes towards heavier people, as students coming to her class for the first time would assume just about anyone in the classroom was the instructor before imagining that she — the large woman in the unitard at the front of the room, fiddling with the CD player — could possibly be the instructor. When Abby sensed a look of disbelief, reading behind their eyes the question “What could this fat person possibly know?” those were the nights she would really “kick butt” to show them exactly what she has to offer, since, after all she’s been “doing this longer than most of them have been breathing.” And any issues she has with her self and her own body “melt away” when she hears the wonderful, enthusiastic response she receives from so many people who have benefitted from her program.

Wanting to capture the essence of her spirit and share it with my readers, I asked Abby what she would suggest, beyond yoga, to help women become more comfortable with their bodies, and learn to love themselves unconditionally. She emphasized the importance of hobbies, and finding something you love, but encourages women to focus their energy on hobbies that get them moving. It doesn’t have to be running, or biking, or even walking, which she is not particularly fond of. It can be anything, even skipping, as she suggested. Just something that makes you feel good and makes your body move. But she also emphasized the importance of being good to yourself in a variety of ways, like getting a facial, taking or bath, or simply taking time out to do something that you love. And, she added, “let yourself eat!”

In Abby’s yoga instruction, you’ll see more than some difficult poses. She incorporates what she calls the 3 As: awareness, acceptance and affection. She believes that every woman — every person has the right and ability to feel good in their bodies, and she is on a mission to help them get there. “Embrace small changes and the big changes will come,” she said, adding “It’s not how your body looks, it’s how your inner body feels … every day your body is different, and if you can love your body as it is today, that’s a big deal.”

Though completing a marathon and other athletic events mark major milestones in Abby’s life, I was curious as to what else she considered some of her greatest accomplishments. But really it all comes back to yoga, and everything she has gained from it. “It’s a minor miracle that I am on the yoga mat teaching people yoga. It’s unbelievably cool that somebody of my size can be doing this, making a living, that people trust me. It brings tears to my eyes.” She recognizes the power of the relationship between teacher and student. “When you teach anything you are as much a student learning as the people in front of you and I’m really grateful for all the lessons. If I’m not teaching, I’m also not learning.”

Following her dreams and making things happen is something Abby has proven that she’s good at and she reminded me that “there’s more than just one dream, and you can always take your dream and drop it to a level that’s really achievable. And, sometimes just saying “I tried” is something.”

Wrapping up our conversation, Abby shared her favorite poem by Rumi with me:

Thank you Abby, for opening up a world to so many people, and allowing them to come.

To learn more about Abby, visit HeartFeltYoga.com or you can purchase her DVD directly: HeavyWeight Yoga: Yoga for the Body You Have Today.

A Sigh of Relief for Ugandan Women

We all know about the tragedies going on in many of the war-torn countries in Africa. Maybe because the atrocities are too much for us to bear, or maybe because some just simply can’t be bothered with other peoples problems, most of us are not likely to get involved. I like to think it’s not because we just don’t care, but instead because the issues are so overwhelming, and as is often the case, it’s simply easier to remain blissfully ignorant intentionally. And, if you do want to do something, where do you start?

Jolly Bugari found her own answer to that question. Moving to California with her then-husband, Bugari left Uganda to escape the inner turmoil her country was facing. Eventually her marriage ended and she was left raising three children by herself, but her new-found freedom from a domineering husband provided her with the opportunity to return to school.

After watching countless loved ones die from HIV in her homeland of Uganda and experiencing the repressive nature of a patriarchal society, Jolly decided she had to do something to help those back in her homeland and focused her studies on community health education. After receiving her degree, the idea of OTYO! (which means “a sigh of relief”) was born and she began a 3-year Masters in Public Health program that would better enable her to realize her dreams of helping those most in need in Uganda.

Though Bugari realized that the problems in Uganda are widespread, she narrowed down her efforts to focus on women, whom she felt needed the most help because “women take care of everyone, have nothing, and are highly overlooked.” The mission of OTYO! is “to improve the quality of life and health of women, adolescents and orphans of rural Uganda by providing financial and technical support to community based organizations working with these populations.”

Needless to say, her efforts are full of challenges. The cultural attitudes towards women in Africa and their lower status lead to fewer opportunities to exercise their independence. This in turn makes them more vulnerable to diseases such as HIV, as they are  dominated by the men who spread the disease and have few options once acquiring it. Bugari has also found that getting attention and resources has been more difficult  in comparison to high profile more developed areas with large populations.

In the face of so many hurdles, not to mention Jolly’s own life challenges, I asked her what keeps her going when everything and everyone tells you to quit. Her reply: “This is where I come from, this is where my family is. I recognize the obligation I have to use the advantages of the resources I have gained through public health education to help these people.”

When I reflect on Jolly’s story — how she came to America at 19, the young wife of an oppressive husband who eventually left her with three children — I think of how hard it must have been just to get by, not just financially but emotionally. And yet, she did more than just get by. Freed from the shackles of a marriage and society that suppressed who she was and was capable of being, Jolly realized her potential and pursued her dreams. For that, she is extraordinary.

Interview With Jenni Schaefer, Author of Life Without Ed

Jenni Schaefer first met Ed when she was 4 years old taking a dance class. From the very beginning he badgered her about her weight, telling her she was the fattest girl in class and criticizing her because her thighs rubbed together in her leotard. And thus began a long relationship of abuse. Ed controlled Jenni’s every move, forcing himself inside her head to control even her thoughts. But Ed isn’t a man who can be locked up behind bars, preventing him from ruining countless lives. Ed’s impact is far more prolific than that of any one man. Ed is an acronym for Eating Disorder — an illness that takes on a life of its own, and becomes greater than its victim, repeating abuses as damaging as physical abuse brought on by an actual person and often as hard to escape from.

But Jenni did escape from Ed and lived to tell about it in her book Life Without Ed — How One Woman Declared Independence from Her Eating Disorder and How You Can Too, and her follow-up book Goodbye Ed, Hello Me: Recover from Your Eating Disorder and Fall in Love with Life due out in September of this year. I met Jenni last fall when she was in town speaking to congress about the severity of eating disorders and the lack of proper access to help because of insurance for those who suffer from it. The first thing I noticed about Jenni was her was her black shirt which stated boldly in white letters “recovered.”

I was curious about the proclamation because my understanding was that eating disorders were like alcoholism in that one is never completely recovered, but instead always in a state of recovery. So when Jenni agreed to do an interview with me, that was the first thing I wanted to know about. Asking her how she defined ‘recovered’ and at what point she considered herself  to be fully recovered, she reminded me that Life Without Ed came out in 2002 and a lot has happened in the time since then.

Even at the end of her first book, while Schaefer delcares her divorce from Ed, she still battled with him from time to time, suffering from the occasional relapse. In retrospect, she defines herself as having been “significantly recovered” at the time, and only through more years of being in recovery did she finally reach a point where she actually felt fully recovered. Period. But she admits that some are fearful of the word ‘recovered’ because it may allow them to let down their defenses making them more vulnerable to relapse. To Jenni, the idea that you will never be recovered “is a hopeless message.” She added, “I didn’t want to have an eating disorder forever. I wasn’t born with an eating disorder. You learn an eating disorder and you can unlearn it.”

Concerned about the power Ed can have on those who are vulnerable to him, I asked Jenni if she worried that someone reading her book could actually end up empowering the Ed in their lives. Though she wrote the book with that in mind, avoiding the inclusion of obvious triggers like pictures of her during the height of her anorexia, or low and high weights, she also reminded me that Ed will use whatever tools he has available to maintain control over his victims, and she even reminds readers in the book that as they are going through the book, Ed too is there with them, possibly trying to twist the words into something that will make him stronger. The important thing to remember is that by the time someone is ready to read this book, they are already questioning the authority Ed has over them, and that in itself can be the starting point for beginning the separation process from Ed.

Wondering about those who are teetering on the edge of an eating disorder, Jenni and I talked about how women can avoid letting Ed into their life in the first place, even after he’s been knocking at your door. A big component of her own recovery was body image counseling and coming to the realization that the ideals she was trying to live up to — ideals created primarily by the media — were in large part based on manufactured images. A good example of this is the video created by Dove’s Real Beauty Campaign entitled “Evolution” where an ordinary woman has a team of people from make-up artists, hair stylists, and eventually Photoshop experts create her into a new, fictitious woman plastered on the face of a billboard. Though eating disorders develop from more than just trying to meet society’s standards of beauty, the idea that we need to be something beyond what we are biologically programmed to be can create a vicious cycle of failure and self loathing that makes one more vulnerable to an eating disorder.

Speaking of society’s standard of beauty, we discussed the obsession of celebrity weight battles, and in particular, her choice of Cindy Crawford as a model for a healthy body while Jenni was in recovery. When reading the book, I had to admit that I was a bit put off by her choice of a supermodel as someone whose figure represented her new “healthy” ideal. But she pointed out that at the time, Cindy Crawford was criticized for being fat next to her peers. “If she’s overweight, all of us are … we need to look at people who are at their natural size whether that’s naturally thin or a little overweight according to societal standards … if you’re at your natural weight, you’re a role model. If you accept your natural healthy weight that’s a role model … and what’s strange about that is that it’s going to be all shapes and sizes.”

But Schaefer added, “The paradox about eating disorders is that it’s completely not about food and weight at all on the other hand, when you look at it from the outside, it’s completely about food and weight”  Ultimately, however, eating disorders are about control. When you can’t control other elements of your life, it’s easy to believe that controlling food puts you back in the driver’s seat. Of course, it’s also about avoidance. The endless cycle of binging, starving and otherwise being focused on food and your body 100% of the time doesn’t allow much time for dealing with life’s other difficult issues. And when you have a low self esteem, an eating disorder can give you a sense of “being unique, feeling special, having a boost of self esteem by being the thinnest person in the room … because you’re the one who gets patted on the back … and it’s an instant boost to your self esteem,” as Jenni felt. But she added, “eventually I had to find new life coping skills … we need to look at the underlying issues.”

So I asked Jenni what made her feel ready to deal with the underlying issues and begin her seperation from Ed once and for all. She had the tools before and chose not to use them. But eventually she was “sick and tired of feeling sick and tired” and Jenni realized that the pain she had been avoiding through her eating disorder couldn’t be any worse than the pain she suffered because of her eating disorder.” It was time to walk through that pain. Not that healing was ever easy. “I thought the eating disorder was painful, but the truth was, life in the beginning without the eating disorder was more painful because I didn’t know how to deal with feelings and I had never dealt with things so intensely.” Jenni even asked her doctor if it was normal to feel so sad. Eventually she did learn how to cope, and of course a lot of the tools she finally implemented are outlined in her book. She recited her favorite Japanese proverb: fall down seven times, stand up eight. As you go through recovery, you might keep “falling down, but you just have stand up again and keep getting better.”

Breaking off her relationship with Ed has allowed Jenni to finally pursue her dream of becoming a musician in Nashville, Tennessee. I asked Schaefer about the pressures she must face in the entertainment industry, where success is often directly linked to beauty and body size. But after having been through the seriousness of an eating disorder, she realizes that ultimately it comes down to a life or death matter, and that she can’t “play those games anymore”. Further, being at a healthy weight has given her the energy to follow her dreams and she fully believes she would not be where she is today if she was still chained to Ed.

Whether or not you have had a relationship with Ed, Jenni’s story leaves you with a sense of hope that we can all overcome the most difficult of life’s challenges and be all that we were meant to be. She encourages everyone to “find a passion in life and follow it, putting energy into who you are instead of who you don’t want to be.” She has learned to believe in herself, and I hope that you can too.

Recommended Reading:

Life Without Ed: How One Woman Declared Independence from Her Eating Disorder and How You Can Too

Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program That Works

Body Wars

Goodbye Ed, Hello Me: Recover from Your Eating Disorder and Fall in Love with Life (Due out in September)

How One Woman Dealt With Diabetes

Diabetes is a word we hear a lot these days. In fact, I think in many ways we’re becoming desensitized to the word. I’m fairly certain there are few people out there who don’t know someone affected by diabetes. Because we often hear about it being controlled by diet and exercise, we’ve come to view diabetes as a relatively benign disease — perhaps something as inevitable as gray hair.

Laura Wolfe, who goes by “Lahle,” learned first-hand that diabetes is anything but benign when it nearly took the life of her daughter at the age of 4. Since Lahle had long suffered from Type 2 diabetes, she started noticing signs in her daughter that concerned her. Initially doctors dismissed Wolfe’s concerns that Elizabeth was diabetic, but a year later, when symptoms came on rapidly, Elizabeth had to be rushed to the emergency room where her blood sugars were found to be at life-threatening levels.

Overnight Lahle’s life changed, along with that of her family. Elizabeth’s blood sugars were impossibly hard to stabilize, and it was soon determined that she was allergic to the buffering agents in long-acting insulin, and that regular insulin administered through a pump would solve the problem. Because the insulin pump regulated Elizabeth’s insulin levels, she was able to regain some control over eating, playing, and sleeping.

Lahle’s initial reaction to Elizabeth’s diagnosis was that of most parents when tragedy strikes their child – total shock and the guilty feelings that this was somehow all her fault. One day you think you have a perfectly healthy normal child, and the next day your life and hers is turned upside down. But Lahle learned many things as a result of her experiences, not the least of which was the strength of herself and her other children who in her own words were “saintly patient” as their own needs often went neglected while Lahle learned to cope with Elizabeth’s diabetes.

While there are many resources out there for diabetics, many newly diagnosed patients don’t know where to turn for help in managing their health and dealing with insurance companies who often determine “the best treatment” which may not always be consistent with what your doctors deem is the best treatment. Or worse, there are many without any insurance who struggle to pay for the care they need. Lahle battled with her own insurance company to get Elizabeth’s pump, and was grateful that the company Animas Corp. stepped in and offered her one. Lahle realized how fortunate Elizabeth was to receive one so quickly — only one month after being diagnosed with diabetes — when so many other patients must wait an indefinite amount of time while insurance companies determine the need.

Feeling frustrated with a lack of coherent information on diabetes and concerned that others struggled to get the right care, Lahle took action and created the non-profit organization iPump whose mission is to provide free insulin pumps and diabetes supplies to qualifying approved applicants. Since its inception in 2006, iPump has distributed more than $750,000in free insulin pumps and diabetes supplies to individuals and struggling free clinics throughout the country. Additionally, Wolfe created Islets of Hope, a certified Health on the Net website, that provides information and resources on diabetes and helps connect diabetics with one another through community support.

Together, iPump and Islets of Hope have provided more than 6,700 people with diabetes with free medical supplies, insulin pumps, and legal assistance. Having this positive mission gives Lahle’s own experiences a purpose and new meaning. According to Wolfe, “In my work I have seen every worst-case scenario of what diabetes does to people. But because of the tremendous outpouring of compassion from the diabetes community itself, we are able to help others with diabetes stay alive until we have a cure. iPump is an organization built by people with diabetes taking care of other people with diabetes and there is currently no other organization like it in the world.”

Though Lahle admits that diabetes may have “darkened” part of her world, she found that it also “provided contrast to the brights which now seem even more brilliant and wonderful than before.” She savors the simple moments of Elizabeth’s childhood, and views each of her four children as miracles. In her own words, “While diabetes certainly is no gift, it came surrounded by gifts of grace and personal growth and the ability to see beauty in far more things than I ever imagined possible.”