Here is an excerpt from one of the comments:

“Why is it a crime to suggest (through images, words, whatever) that only a few people are ever going to represent the ideal? That’s not demeaning, it’s truth. If it hurts your little feelings, use that to motivate you to go after your personal best, not cry over cultural obsession or objectification and use that as an excuse to say how it makes you feel so demeaned. If you want something, you have to give up the excuses and blaming anyone other than yourself, and go for it. Effort = results. Actions = priorities. So showing a tight body with the message “get off your lazy ass if you want to look like this” is entirely appropriate to me.”

I think good physical health is an important part of good emotional health. I believe in taking care of and respecting our bodies, and I think there are a variety of ways to do that. But when the motivation to do so is extrinsic, as in when were are doing it to live up to some ideal determined by someone else — and promoted in many “fitspiration” or “thinspiration” pictures and quotes, it can lead to unhealthy consequences that at best bring an end to the commitment to achieve said ideals, and at worst can lead to unhealthy body and food obsessions, and deadly eating disorders, which are on the rise across genders, ethnic, and age groups.

The waistlines in our country have been growing for several decades. We’ve all heard the statistics — two thirds of Americans are overweight or obese. During the same time period, the diet and fitness industries have grown into multi-billion dollar money making factories. They provide plenty — let me repeat — plenty of thinspiration, fitspiration, and any other kind of inspiration that will make you want to spend money on their products and services because they know we all will ignore their dirty little secret: DIETS DON’T WORK. No matter how many posters and quotes and fitness magazines we look at, the reality is, 95 percent of us won’t be successful at losing weight for an extended period of time. If thinspiration and fitspiration really worked, surely there would be more than a 5 percent success rate among those who claim to be motivated by it.

It’s easy to call it a cop out to blame our culture for feeling demeaned, but the reality is, Madison Avenue has every intention of making you feel that way. After all, if you were happy with the way you were, what motivation would you have to buy the products that are supposed to make you better? Trust me, they wouldn’t spend the kazillions of dollars that they do if they weren’t absolutely sure that you would fall for their slight of hand tricks. They sell us a bill of goods, that if we look the way they tell us to look, we’ll be happy. Be thin and you’ll get the gorgeous guy, the big bank account, the McMansion, the convertible. Have six pack abs and your doctor will say hooray, forgetting to ask how many cigarettes you smoke each day and how much wine you drink at night to numb the self hate that comes from a life of always trying to please other people and live up to their standards, rather than exploring your genuine self. That’s not to say that everyone with six-pack abs or “tank-top ready” triceps is unhappy with who they are. My point is that if the reason for challenging and strengthening their body comes from external sources of motivation, ultimately the euphoria achieved from reaching goals (if that euphoria is actually ever achieved) will most likely be fleeting as soon as another standard arises for them to meet, compelling them back into a cycle of body dissatisfaction.

Again, I want to point out that I think good physical health is an important goal for anyone. I think most people could benefit from turning off their computers and/or TVs and moving for 30-60 minutes a day, and not just because the latest health reports say it’s good for our hearts, but because like rats in a cage, we go a little crazy if we don’t get to move our bodies, even if it’s in a “hamster wheel”. But I firmly believe that shaming people by convincing them that there is one ideal of health and beauty, as fitspiration/inspiration so often does not only is ineffective in providing long term motivation, but it also to perpetuates the idea that we are only as good as our bodies look. Someone may look at a picture of a beautiful body and suddenly feel compelled to go spend an hour on the eliptical, but the motivation has nothing to do with achieving a higher level of cardiovascular health and everything to do with molding their shameful body into something worth looking at. Some may argue that if the end result is the same — a healthier body — than what difference does it make? Well, if you are happy to achieve the short term “success” of a fit body while sacrificing the longer benefits that come from an intrinsically motivated health and fitness routine, I guess it’s not really a problem. But if you hope to achieve a balance in emotional and physical health, it might be useful to begin by ending the body shaming that comes from the media and so called “fitspiration.”

I LOVE my body. I am proud of my body. I don’t let my weight determine my value or my assessment of my health — all in spite of the fact that it is in no way shape or form any sort of ideal, at least by outward appearances. When I go to my doctors now, I don’t even let them weigh me anymore because I don’t want a number on the scale to be how my health is judged by them or by me. I have told them they can talk to me all they want about my blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar levels, and cardiovascular health, but so far, every year at my physical, all of those numbers indicate I’m in excellent health which is contrary to what they would think if they simply looked at my weight. Despite all of this, I still have to actively reject the constant messages that tell me I should be thinner if I am to be seen by our world as beautiful and/or healthy. And the key word there is ‘active’.

We live in a culture where we are constantly told that our body parts represent our value and place in our society, and some people don’t have a problem with that fact. I certainly can’t tell someone else what they should or shouldn’t be motivated by. I can simply state the facts and make choices for myself, and hopefully inspire people who wish to to achieve a healthy balance between mind and body. I will also continue to encourage people to think critically about the media they consume as well as continue to voice my opinions about the messages I see as damaging to the mind, body, and spirit.

As Jenni Schaefer said in her recent post Body Image: I Love How I Look in a World That Doesn’t, “Make a choice today to love your body. It will love you back.”

The Unitarian Universalist Church of Reston

What is spirituality? The only thing I know for sure as I write that question is that I absolutely don’t know. After all, I only began my own spiritual journey a year ago at the age of 38 when I walked through the doors of the Unitarian Universalist Church of Reston, in Reston, Virginia. If you know me, you may be surprised to hear that I have been going to church for the better part of a year now, and plan to soon make it official by becoming a member. After all, I am a self avowed atheist, and have been for the better part of my life. This statement may be off-putting to some readers, but I think it is important to be up-front from the beginning: I do not believe in God. However, my belief that there is no god makes me no less inclined to long for spirituality — a connection to something greater, something bigger than myself and outside of myself. I simply choose to define what that is differently than many others. And while Unitarian Universalists don’t preach atheism, they do preach acceptance of all, along with the core tenets of compassion, and connection — all ideas I can wrap my brain and my heart around.

Though the concrete act of me walking through the doors of UUCR is a way that I seem to mark the start of my search for spirituality and deeper connection, I realize now that this journey is one that has neither a beginning nor an end except, perhaps, where it is marked by birth and death, and, even then, who I am to say it doesn’t go beyond that? Although I feel certain for myself that there is no Heaven or Hell, I also subscribe to the belief that we are all energy and energy is neither created nor destroyed — an idea that lends itself to a different way of viewing eternal life.

When I contemplate spirituality and what intuitively that means to me now that I have opened myself up to accepting something greater into my life, I do feel that it is something all around us all the time. Sometimes it lights up like like fireworks in the sky as if say “Look at me! I’m here! I’m extraordinary!” while at other times, it might be more like a flicker from a firefly, there one second and gone the next, a moment that can be missed if you blink. Of course, I realize that to many of you that may sound a lot like God, so maybe we aren’t so different after all.

I also know that while I love every service I go to on Sunday mornings, walking away feeling like my mind and heart have been stretched to new limits each week, I also know that church is usually the last place I feel spiritual. I feel many wonderful, positive things, but spiritual, no. Instead, the moments when I feel something greater than myself are moments I’ve had many times in my life, but maybe because I had some religious baggage or perhaps it was just a lack of proper guidance, I didn’t define them at the time as experiences of enlightenment. Moments like listening to a concert in the St. Chappelle Cathedral in Paris on a cold November night, closing my eyes and feeling the music reach inside me and flow through my entire body, leaving me feeling invigorated and drained all at once. Maybe the feeling I had was not unlike someone going through a Baptism, being reawakened to a new knowing — a knowing that there is a nameless something that evokes awe in the very core of my being. Even now, just writing about that moment, there is something coursing through my veins that wasn’t there a few minutes ago, and I feel a little more at peace this morning. In fact, music is something that is most likely to evoke a feeling of spirituality in me and on the same trip, I experienced a moment of nirvana once again, while sitting in a bar, dark and tinted with hues of red (or maybe that’s just how I remember it?), listening to a jazz trio where each instrument spoke to one another in a language only the players fully understood.

There are other moments and places, too, that aren’t centered around music, that bring me an inner peace and a feeling of connectedness to the world around me. Muir Woods, a redwood forest just outside of San Francisco always feels to me like my own personal cathedral — a place of worship — even when surrounded by the crowds of tourists who flock to see the grand work of nature. I have access to wonderful parks here in Northern Virginia, and love to hear the roar of the Potomac while hiking the trails through Great Falls Park where, even though one is only a few miles from the sheer suburban chaos of the DC Metropolitan area, you can truly lose yourself (in the best possible way!).

And I can find spirituality in animals. Although I don’t spend nearly enough time around horses, when I touch one, when I rub my hands along its soft muzzle, there is something there, a connection that goes far beyond words. I feel spiritual when I see a mother duck leading her small fluffy ducklings to a stream on the campus of George Mason University, completely indifferent to the busy students looking down at their iPhones, mindlessly walking through their lives, missing out on this firefly moment. When a cicada comes out of the ground after seventeen years of lying just under the surface while I go about my business, growing older, sprouting new gray hairs, wondering how I’m going to handle my kids entering into adolescence, I feel a miracle.

So, clearly music and nature have the profound ability to awake my spiritual soul, but it is not only external forces that have that power. Though admittedly my commitment to the daily practice of meditation ebbs and flows, the stilling of my mind and heart let me speak to a higher self within — a higher self that in our busy, high-wired modern world can sometimes be very hard to reach. Still, each time I take 15, 10, or even 5 minutes to put out the call to that higher self, an inner wisdom to guide me through the ups and downs of this brutiful (to quote Momastery) world, I become aware of something that transcends my own presence here.

I was at a seminar yesterday where we spent a lot of time discussing spirituality and its place in the mental health profession particularly as it relates to the treatment of eating disorders, and I came away believing what I already have intuitively come to know — that a healthy sense of spirituality can be a vital component to overcoming some of life’s greatest challenges. As William James said, spirituality involves “a sensation of union, of a direct connection with the cosmos, with nature and the Divine Energy. It includes a belief in the reality of an unseen order and in the human need to be attuned to it.” Though each of us may define Divine Energy differently, tapping into it whether it’s through prayer, meditation, getting in touch with nature, or listening to music, is a chance to awaken something both within ourselves and throughout the greater world.

I am thankful that I have awakened to the journey I was already on, though unaware, and look forward to new experiences of personal and spiritual enlightenment through intentional practice and random acts. What do you do to awaken your spirituality?

When someone else asked her how we can inoculate our daughters from the forces of society that tell them they need to be thin and beautiful above all else, she again espoused the importance of encouraging them to find their thing — something outside of their physical appearance and something that gives them deeper value. Eventually, it seemed like the entire focus of the morning centered on finding a “thing” as it became apparent that more and more women in the group had trouble finding their own thing. I completely relate — it was only a year ago, at the age of 38, that I felt like I had really found my thing when I made the decision to go to graduate school for a degree in mental health counseling.

I wondered what makes it so hard for us to find our thing, and indeed, why is it we need to find our thing? Consider this: for most of humankind’s existence, our energy has been focused on three things — eating, sleeping, and making babies. The eating part took up the bulk of that energy since we had to grow and/or catch our own food which admittedly wasn’t an easy process. After that, we found the most reproductively sound mate that we were able to catch, and made as many babies as possible since many of them would not survive to adulthood. But with each baby, our energies were likely not diverted from our primary goals of survival. I’m not an anthropologist or historian, but I’m pretty sure throughout most of our existence, mothers didn’t stop working in the fields or doing whatever else was needed to aid in the survival of a family unit, in order to devote their lives to raising emotionally, intellectually and physically sound human beings. Now please understand, that is not a criticism of today’s moms — I’m one of them. I wouldn’t trade the last ten years of being home full time with my daughters — taking them to Little Gym and art classes and Tae Kwon Do and soccer practice, etc. etc. etc. — for anything. All I’m saying is that evolution hasn’t equipped our emotional brains with tasks that are less directly connected with our day to day survival and as a consequence we may be wondering what our purpose on this planet is. If we aren’t supposed to devote our lives to our basic survival, then what are we supposed to be doing? What is our thing? And how do we find it?

In many ways, Glennon was lucky — not only did she find her thing in writing, but she has been validated for it by her followers, by publishers, and even television producers. But she pointed out that none of that was important to her (yes, I know, easy to say now), because at the end of the day, what she loves about writing, what keeps her going for eight hours a day devoted to writing, is her love for the act of writing itself. She asserted that if tomorrow she woke up and everything else fell away — the book deal, the possibilities for a TV show, the notoriety, she would still have the thing she loves — her writing and the sense of accomplishment and satisfaction she has after finishing a good post. And I believe her. That’s not to say she doesn’t love the direction her life has taken, but she didn’t need those things to happen for her to know she had already found her thing.

But the audience wanted to know: how do we find our thing? Glennon had a few suggestions that I think were helpful, but I think it helps to start by defining what a thing is and is not for each person. Many assumed that a thing had to be something one was good at or that came easily. I would argue that not only do neither of things things have to be true, but that you don’t even necessarily have to want to be good at your thing. You simply have to derive intrinsic pleasure from it, whether you excel at it or not.

For example, I recently discovered Zumba (yes, I’m a late bloomer), and instantly fell in love. I look forward to going to my class every week, and stand in the front of the class shaking and spinning and gyrating to the music. Now let me be clear — I look like a total idiot. I am pretty sure I have the anti-Latina gene because I couldn’t look less rhythmic if I was a pocket-protector wearing nerd. But it doesn’t matter because it just feels so good! And if I someday discover an ounce of rhythm somewhere in my veins, great! But if not, who cares? I have a classmate who loves Zumba so much she decided to become an instructor — not because she is looking to make a career out of it (presumably, since she’s in a graduate program for counseling), but because it just gives her such great joy. My point is, don’t let skill be a hurdle to finding your thing.

Another thing that Glennon mentioned is to ask your friends what they think your thing is. Sometimes it’s easier for someone else to see it in you than for you to see it yourself. Do you go to your friends’ houses and start organizing their cupboards? Maybe your thing is a to be a professional organizer. Or maybe you can just enjoy helping out your friends (you can start with my house!). Do you constantly worry about children who don’t have enough to eat? Volunteer! I’d be happy to point you in a few directions! Do you love being outdoors and moving? Take up cycling. Walking. Gardening. Anything that reconnects you with nature and your roots. The possibilities are endless if we open ourselves up to the world, and as one person in the audience suggested, say yes more to new experiences. It also means letting go to predefined notions of what should bring us happiness and contentment in life. Notions about the roles we are supposed to fill, the things we are supposed to buy, the lives we are supposed to live, all in the pursuit of happiness.

As Glennon pointed out, so often we make assessments about our own life and its value based on the assumptions we make about others. Even with her telling the audience to avoid doing that, they were comparing their inability to find their thing to the massive success she has had as a writer and already giving up before they even try. Not everyone who “finds their thing” is going to be recognized by hundreds of thousands of people. In fact, most people may never have any kind of external validation for whatever their thing is. I recently met an eighty-year-old woman who described herself as a poet-aster. When I gave her a confused look, she said “I’m a poet disaster.” I doubt she was as terrible as she assumed she was, but what I or anyone else thinks doesn’t really matter to her. She’d been writing poetry since she was in the second grade, it gave her great intrinsic joy, and she didn’t care if she wasn’t going to be the next Maya Angelou.

If you haven’t found your thing open up your heart and ask yourself what gives you great joy? What do you spend your time thinking about and would it be worthwhile to devote more energy to it? Or less? Finding your thing is a journey and it can change over time, but accepting the idea that you don’t have to be good at it and that you don’t need others to validate it is the first step in finding something that makes you want to wake up in the morning and greet the day with new joy.

My Thing

It was a long journey for me before coming to the decision to pursue a path towards mental health counseling, and if the word “lost” seems cliche in describing how I felt before coming to that decision, then I stand accused. I wasn’t much of a student through most of my pre-college education, and at one point during adolescence felt pretty certain my future involved abandoned housing and a bunch of misfit, mohawk sporting, combat-boot wearing friends. Luckily I decided I wanted a little more out of life in time to pull my grades together and go to college, having decided I wanted to teach English after my senior English teacher ignited a spark for me. Still, all through college, much as I loved my English classes, I remained petrified at the thought of standing in front of a class teaching a bunch of kids who would rather be making out in the hallway or smoking a joint in the parking lot. I figured I would get over it, my love for the subject winning out, but it never felt like it was the right fit — never felt like it was “my thing”. By the time I graduated, I was completely sure teaching was not the right path for me, but had no idea what was, and subsequently ended up working at a boring desk job. Eventually after playing the grown up professional for a while, I came to the conclusion that the corporate world was not for me either, and that my real calling was to be a mother.

So imagine my surprise when I had this newborn baby to care for, and who wouldn’t stop crying no matter what I did, to discover that motherhood wasn’t the blissful baby-wearing, on demand breast-feeding, twenty-four/seven bonding experience I was certain Dr. Sears assured me it would be. Although I loved being a new mom, and loved my daughter dearly from the moment I laid eyes on her, I also quickly came to the realization that motherhood wasn’t exactly my “thing” either. I didn’t derive the deep and seemingly limitless satisfaction from the experience I was sure all of my other new mom peers were experiencing and wondered what I was doing wrong. Within months of having my first daughter, I began researching graduate programs, but quickly determined that was not a realistic route for me at that time.

Over the next ten years, I floundered from this to that, and took a step in the right direction when I founded VenusVision in 2008. I have always enjoyed writing, and I wanted to reach out to others, and VenusVision provided a platform for doing both. But I have to admit, I didn’t have the tenacity to keep up with it on a regular basis, and when I compared my success (or what I saw as a lack of it) to my blogging peers, I realized I would never reach the levels of readership they had. I began to lose interest, only posting occasionally which of course ended up in a self fulfilling prophecy since, with no new material, there would be no new readers.

I spent a couple of years trying my hand in the direct-selling business, and I while I had a fun time and met a lot of great people, I realized that wasn’t my thing either. (Again though, I spent a lot of time comparing myself to others in the business and felt depressed at not achieving their level of success.)

And then one day I was having a conversation with my step-mother, talking about what to try next in my life, and came back to a recurring theme that I’ve had in recent years of wanting to help women overcome body image and food relationship issues, and she said “I think you’d be great at that!” And the stars aligned. Though throughout much of my life, I’ve had friends tell me that I would make a great therapist/counselor, I never had the confidence to feel like I could help others with their problems. But after recognizing the value of overcoming my own issues, and my ongoing ability to face new issues with more confidence and clarity, I was able to muster up the courage to apply to graduate school for a degree in counseling, and for the first time in my adult life, I really feel like I have found my thing. However, that “thing” continues to evolve as I am exposed to new ideas and issues that lead me in new directions. Now, instead of thinking “I can’t”, I know “I can”.

You can use the principle of intention with respect to planning meals and snacks or even generally applied to your food relationship. Weekly intentions might take the form of incorporating healthy snacks, packing your lunch to work, and/or having meals planned throughout the week. The reality is that those who are most successful are the ones who realize they are worth taking those extra ten minutes per day to pack their lunch or plan their meals. I recently had a client measure the time it took to create a healthy salad to pack in her lunch bag. To her surprise, creating and packing this salad took only three minutes. So sometimes we perceive that it will take longer than it actually will. Why not give yourself the challenge? I am sure you can find three extra minutes to pack your lunch.

Reflection Questions

1) Identify the sabotaging thoughts that get in the way of having a healthy food relationship (i.e., “I don’t have the time”, “It is too expensive”, “I am too tired”, “I’ll start next week”, “Next month, next year”).

2) Identify the supportive statements that you tell yourself about cultivating a healthy food relationship (i.e., one meal at a time, I am worth the time and investment, progress not perfection). In what ways are you already incorporating mindfulness in your food relationship?

Action Steps

How might you incorporate the act of intention with your food relationship? What will you commit to do over the next month? Make your act of intention focus on only one thing. Some ideas may include: starting your day with a healthy breakfast; practicing mindful eating at a minimum of one meal or snack per day; committing to having a regular day to grocery shop and meal plan. Some find it helpful to break down shopping and meal planning into two planning sessions and two shopping sessions per week. For example, on Sunday plan meals and snacks through Wednesday, and then again on Wednesday plan for Thursday through Saturday. Recognize that you are worth the investment of time. When you are able to plan and have healthy food options readily available you set yourself up for success.

Michelle Market, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Wellness Coach with more than 10 years of experience in Wellness and Women’s issues. She is dedicated to helping females feel better physically and emotionally. She has a private practice in Herndon, Virginia and works with Adults. Michelle provides counseling, coaching and workshops. She specializes in self-esteem and healthy food relationships. Her mission is to create and maintain positive change in the lives of her clients. She believes that beauty comes from the inside out. For more information visit her website www.michellemarket.com.

I went into my dressing room to try my clothes on, but I couldn’t help wondering what the rest of the story was for this man. Was he working so hard to just make ends meet for himself in one of the wealthiest counties in our nation? Maybe he was supporting his family, putting a child through college, or at least hoping to. What did he do in his native country? Was he a farmer? Or did he have a stall selling fruits and vegetables along side prepaid calling cards? Or maybe he was he a doctor, as many a taxi driver I’ve spoken to have been. Or a professor, or a lawyer, or one of many other white color professions that may have served them well in their home countries, but for which there is little reciprocity in terms of their credentials here in the U.S.

Alas, the clocked ticked, and by the time I was done deciding that nothing I brought in with me was going to work out, I had little time to investigate his life story. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have one. Or any other person that I come into contact with for 3.5 seconds at a time in my day. It’s easy to treat every person that we are not intimately connected with as a cog in the wheel of our life — they are there to keep things turning, making things comfortable for the rest of us, taking our money at the registers, folding clothes we choose not to buy, making our food, and packaging it up for us to take home and feed to our families, sweeping floors, cleaning up after our kids have spilled more food on the floor of a restaurant than what went into their mouths. It’s so easy not to notice them. To go through life as if we are surrounded by ghosts who only give us the slightest hint of their presence through a smile here, an automated “have a nice day” there. But at the end of their shift, they go home and live lives just like we do, putting dinner on the table (or hoping to), wanting the best for their kids, wondering if they’ve made the right choices in life.

My Dad used to tell me that some of the most interesting people he’s ever met were taxi cab drivers. They mostly sit in silence, occasionally perhaps broaching the area of small talk, mentioning the weather or asking about where you are going. You might mention your upcoming girl’s weekend, or a business trip, or a night out on the town in which you opted not to have the responsibility of driving home. But, ask the driver about his story (and I’m not being sexist here, but let’s face it, most taxi drivers are in fact male), and the story you might hear could be one filled with adventure, success, sadness, and pride, all rolled into one. I still remember a taxi ride early one morning to the airport, and probing my driver a little revealed that in Afghanistan, he’d been a brain surgeon, but couldn’t get the proper licensing here to practice medicine, and still needed to support his family that included a terminally ill mother he was caring for. Sure, he could have been making the whole story up to increase the generous tip I had already planned on giving him, but there was such a resignation in his voice that I turned off my cynicism and accepted his tale at face value. For even if it wasn’t true, surely there was tragedy and hope in this man’s life that was worth valuing and believing.

It wasn’t just taxi drivers my Dad talked with. Everyone at the grocery store he frequented not only knew him by name, but knew his family and asked about them frequently, as did he of their families. To my Dad, every person he came into contact with was an opportunity for engagement, exploration, and mind expansion that was symbiotic. That approach towards life is a gift he has endowed me with, though admittedly, it’s one that needs constant fostering. By recognizing that each person has something to offer this world, and taking time to listen and find out what that might be from time to time is an experience that will brighten your world as well as theirs, and brings us all one step closer to understanding the humanity that ties us together.

How many times have you been at a restaurant, or in a store, where the staff didn’t seem to want to give you the time of day — they barely acknowledged your existence. It probably was infuriating. We expect our presence to be recognized by those around us, but how often do you recognize the presence of those around you, except in how they may do something for you? And yet, that’s the lot so many people face, day in, and day out, just moving about as an auto-matron of sorts, there to serve others without any acknowledgement that they exist outside of their current role.

So today when you’re buying your triple grande soy latte at Starbucks (oh, wait, that’s me), or stopping for lunch at whatever McBurgerBellFila fast food joint you frequent, or going through the checkout line with your milk, diapers, and fully cooked rotisserie chicken, remember that the person on the other end is a person worth knowing too. Smile at them, and when they ask you how you are doing, not expecting you to respond with any great fervor, shoot right back at them, and ask them how THEY are doing. Acknowledge their existence and let them know you see them. Because don’t we all really just want that? Don’t we all just want to be seen? To know that we’re alive, not just because we can feel sensations running through our bodies, but because another person can look at us and not just through us.

The world is a gift to all of us, as are the people within it. Let’s all take the time to celebrate that gift just a little more.

Abstract

In 2010, Americans spent nearly $10.7 billion on 9.5 million cosmetic procedures (American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, 2011). Since 1997, the first year in which the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery (ASAPS) began collecting data, there has been a 155% increase in the total number of cosmetic procedures. According to a recent survey, more than half of Americans approve of cosmetic plastic surgery. As surgical and nonsurgical cosmetic procedures become normalized in our culture, changing expectations about age and beauty ideals may be altered in a way that can impact physical, cognitive, social, and emotional development throughout the life cycle. This paper explores the culture of cosmetic medicine, the social implications of its increasing popularity, and the resulting shift in ideologies that can contribute to increasing ageism and the unending quest for unachievable ideals, while also considering a cross cultural perspective and counseling implications.

Literature Review

There has been extensive research on the motivations that drive consumers of cosmetic procedures. While much of the literature focuses on college-age females, some studies have looked at the attitudes of older men and women. Regardless of age, many respondents who have either had one or more cosmetic procedures performed, or approve of cosmetic procedures, place less emphasis on the features for which they sought alterations, and more on the extraphysical benefits of doing so (Adams, 2010). In a study of motivational narratives, Adams found that the most prominent theme for the basis of opting for one or more procedures was “the notion that having surgery would have extraphysical effects, such as increased self-esteem or increased attractiveness to potential partners.” (p. 764). Adams went on to add “there was also an acute cognizance of the societal pressures to look young and attractive, and many respondents suggested that these messages, from media outlets and society in general, played a role in their decisions to have surgery.” (p. 764). The impact of media and the expectations of society are shown to have an impact in virtually every piece of literature reviewed for this paper.

In a study of the factors affecting the likelihood of having cosmetic surgery, Swami et al. found that there is a greater sociocultural pressure on women than men to attain and incorporate beauty ideals, and because these pressures are seen as normative for women, cosmetic surgery can appeal to those seeking a way to feel better about their bodies. (p. 217). Sarwer et al. had similar findings in their study of body image in its relation to the pursuit of cosmetic procedures. Their conclusion revealed that “for many individuals, cosmetic surgery appears to be an adaptive strategy to address body image dissatisfaction … thus, the pursuit of cosmetic surgery may be related to some form of psychopathology, which may be more appropriately treated by psychotherapy than cosmetic surgery.” (p. 107). Indeed, in the same study, breast augmentation patients reported more appearance related teasing, and more frequently used psychotherapy than the control group. (p. 106). In a case study by Lijtmaer (2010), a patient’s preoccupation with her outward appearance was a way to mask her intrapsychic feelings which were a result of unresolved conflicts with her mother.

It’s important to note that the pressures to move closer to an idealized image are not limited to women. Returning to the study by Adams, we see that men are opting for procedures that will make them more attractive to others in the “dating scene” (p. 759) and possibly give them more opportunities in a competitive job market where a younger generation is entering the workforce (p. 757).

Because some findings indicate the presence of a cohort effect from Baby Boomers who tend to feel that their physical age is incongruent with their mental age and are, therefore, more likely to resist aging naturally than pre-Boomers (Clarke, 2007), it is important to examine the motivations behind the largest age cohort in America. (Ferguson, 2010). In their examination of older women’s perceptions of natural and unnatural aging, Clarke and Griffin found that while women who had not had any surgical or non-surgical procedures viewed natural aging as the acceptance of the physical realities of growing older, another group who subscribed to the benefits of cosmetic procedures viewed natural aging as “unattractive, if not objectionable, as well as risky in light of the social and physical realties of growing older.” (p. 198). To this group, using medical technology to enhance or alter their appearance is a requirement of aging as later life becomes “further devalued and socially repugnant in a society underscored by ageist values and norms.” (p. 199). In a study by Slevec and Tiggemann (2010), they proposed and confirmed that aging anxiety defined as a “combined concern and anticipation of losses centered around the aging process” (Lasher, 1993), is a strong component in the decision to pursue cosmetic procedures. Aging anxiety and the pursuit of beauty are reinforced in the media and perpetrated by the cosmetic industry with books like The Wrinkle Cure (2000) by dermatologist Nicholas Perricone (as cited by Bayer, 2005) in which he refers to “wrinkled, sagging skin” as a “disease, and you can fight it”. Additionally, with the emergence of reality television programming touting the life-altering effects of cosmetic procedures while minimizing the risks involved, a normalization of participating in cosmetic enhancements has had a persuasive effect on potential patients. (Slevec, 2010).

While some people argue that age-defying and beauty-enhancing products and procedures can be liberating against the seemingly unstoppable effects of aging, Bayer proposes that such options “buttress the notion that looking old — and thus, being old — is socially, medically, and personally undesirable.” As cosmetic surgery and non-surgical procedures become more affordable in a competitive market, it is important to consider the psychological and social ramifications of body altering procedures. (Gilmartin, 2010). In her review of current literature, Gilmartin concludes that the medical system “bolsters and benefits from the larger consumer-orientated society by colluding with the beauty ideal and cultural mores.” (p. 1807). In a report on ethical challenges within the cosmetic surgery industry, Atiyeh et al. also concluded that physicians participating in the selling of cosmetic services and offering aesthetic services face inherent conflicts of interest, pointing out that it becomes “ethically suspect, breaching obligations of beneficence and honesty, when a physician trades on the status of doctor to sell a clinically unproven product (2008).” In so doing, not only is the culture at large exploited through their insecurities and poor body image, but those with psychopathologies such as eating disorders and body dysmorphic disorder are at greater risk of exacerbating their condition through procedures which by virtue of their disorder can not produce the results they seek. (p. 1804).

Discussion

The increasing popularity in cosmetic surgery and non-surgical procedures seems to take us down a slippery slope. Where does one draw the line between getting a pedicure, putting on lipstick, using Botox injections, or having abdominoplasty (tummy tuck)? By participating in a beauty culture, are we adding to our potential or entering into a vicious cycle of body dissatisfaction? According to Sarwer, some studies have revealed continued improvements in psychological functioning in the first year following cosmetic surgery. However, Sarwer also points out it is possible that “improvements may diminish, particularly if they are related to the frequency of positive feedback patients receive about their postoperative appearance.” (p. 109). More studies need to be done to research the long-term psychological impact of cosmetic surgery, particularly in a culture of medicine where many surgeons’ mantra is said to be ‘start early, do often’, (Gilmartin, 2010), a philosophy internalized by many pro-cosmetic procedure participants across numerous studies reviewed for this paper. Additionally, with 19% of cosmetic procedures performed on racial and ethnic minorities in 2010, more research needs to be done on the relationship between the work being done and its psychological impact on members of different cultures who have to mitigate the ideals from their own cultures with those of a new culture in which they desire to become a part of.

Though ideals of beauty change over time as a result of many influences, Western cultures, and in particular, white cultures seem to dominate the ethos of beauty. In Lijtmaer’s review of the literature, she found numerous studies that point to an increase in body dissatisfaction as non-white groups become acculturated into American culture. (pp. 205-207). With the current widening in socioeconomic gaps, access to cosmetic procedures could further reinforce the difference in status between the haves and have nots, which may be delineated across cultures with minority groups in lower income brackets and less access to expensive procedures.

Another concern I have is the possible pressure exerted on those who otherwise have a healthy body image and self perception. As cosmetic procedures become more accepted and affordable, we run the risk that it becomes a new standard and practice in which we are to participate if we wish to be deemed normal. Take for example the predominantly female practice of hair removal. Though women may not want to participate in the practice, in American culture, it is seen as socially unacceptable to have hair on the legs and underarms, and indeed, according to Toerien et al., “body hair is a flaw, unfit for public display”, (2005). Therefore, women practice hair removal as a necessary part of maintaining femininity, an act, which Toerien suggests serves to “reinforce the view that underpins all the body-changing procedures, from make-up application to cosmetic surgery: that a women’s body is unacceptable if left unaltered.” (p. 400). So, although at this time, I choose not to color my hair, accepting the gray as it comes with age, there may come a time when I am competing for a job, or perhaps even a mate, against peers who participate more extensively in the beauty culture and present a younger facade which in turn may give them an advantage — an advantage that I too could obtain by making similar choices. So one can be faced with giving in to a new norm or facing the consequences of trying to stay true to oneself.

There is no denying the inherent appeal of beauty throughout animal nature. Birds have their plumage to attract a mate, flowers have bright, bold colors to attract their pollinators, male lions have large manes to intimidate their opponents. All of these attributes signify their potential ability to be successful in their environment, surviving challenges and attracting a mate to produce offspring. It could be and has been argued that humans, in this regard, are no different, at the basic level, which provides a basis for our quest for youth and beauty. If, at our core, our purpose is to pro-create, then we are likely to seek out those who reflect the ability to successfully do so. However, as humans, we have the benefit of higher thinking to take in a bigger picture when assessing the desirability of others, whether we are seeking a mate, an employee, a friend, or a nanny. What alarms me about the rising numbers of people seeking cosmetic procedures is that it places an increasing importance on outward appearance while potentially diminishing the value of what is inside. As discussed in depth by Namir (2006), when the outward body becomes the ultimate means for expression through transformation, a person risks abandoning the inside for the outside. In Namir’s interpretation of one patient’s decision to have procedures done, she chose to hide “in homogenization, looking as the world deemed attractive rather than emerging from her own aliveness, radiance, sensuality and self-expression.” (p. 218).

Counseling Considerations

The counseling considerations in relation to the booming cosmetic surgery industry are wide reaching since its impact spans all four domains of development across the stages. As children enter into adolescence and face changes in their bodies, pressure to make their bodies conform to physical ideals that may only be met through unnatural means could lead to risky behaviors such as disordered eating. At a time when identity formation is at its peak, increasing emphasis on physical appearance can lead to a devaluation on internal qualities that make up the identity. As a person continues throughout the life cycle, the pursuit of physical ideals might lead to continued disappointments as an individual tries in vain to live up to fabricated ideals that hold no basis in reality. Maintaining a focus on superficial traits can influence social relationships as a person forms personal connections with others based on externally formed values. And while the long term physical affects of plastic surgery and more recent cosmetic procedures have yet to be extensively measured, it seems impossible to escape at least some negative physical ramifications of these procedures.

Interventions

As clients evaluate their own self worth in the therapeutic setting, it is important to consider the impact of the beauty culture within which we live and work with clients to set standards for self evaluation that are less dependent on external measures while also allowing for the inevitable pressures placed on us by society to look our best on the outside regardless of how we feel on the inside. With patients who are considering or have already used cosmetic procedures to enhance their self perception, counselors should evaluate the goals the patient ultimately believes they will attain by having procedures done and work to understand the underlying psychopathologies that may be contributing to a diminished self image. Interventions could include working with a client to discover internal measures of value, focusing on past accomplishments that occurred irrespective of the client’s physical appearance, and working on goals that can continue to build on a person’s inner qualities. Also, since a focus on external appearance may be a coping mechanism for masking interpsychic conflicts (Lijtmaer, 2010), a greater understanding of unresolved issues that may have arisen even far in the past may present a relevant context for their attitudes and allow for an opportunity of resolution.

As a counselor, I would have to be cognizant of my own body image and views on cosmetic surgery. Past struggles with an eating disorder and defining my value based on physical appearance predisposes me to judgements about others in decisions they make based on their own physical appearances, particularly when they engage in surgical and non-surgical cosmetic procedures. Prior to researching this topic, I felt certain that in most cases, a patient’s body image and overall psychic well being would not benefit long term from cosmetic procedures because my assumption was they were focusing on external, easily manipulated “problems” rather than focusing on deeper issues that may present bigger challenges a patient is not ready to face. While that may be the case for some, I would need to remind myself that each person presents different experiences and therefore different responses to those experiences and some may in fact benefit from the very procedures I naturally find myself opposed to.

References

Adams, J. (2010). Motivational narratives and assessments of the body after cosmetic surgery. Qualitative Health Research 20(6), 755-767.
American Society of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, Cosmetic Surgery National Data Bank Statistics, 2010.
Atiyeh, B., Rubeiz, M., & Hayek, S. (2008). Aesthetic/cosmetic surgery and ethical challenges. Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, 32, 829-839.
Bayer, K. (2005). Cosmetic surgery and cosmetics: redefining the appearance of age. Generations, Fall 2005, 13-18.
Clarke, L.H., & Griffin, M. (2006). The body natural and the body unnatural: beauty work and aging. Journal of Aging Studies, 21, 187-201.
Ferguson, R. & Brohaugh, B. (2010). The aging of Aquarius. Journal of Consumer Marketing, 27/1, 76-81.
Gilmartin, J. (2010). Contemporary cosmetic surgery: the potential risks and relevance for practice. Journal of Clinical Nursing, 20, 1801-1809.
Lasher, K.P., & Faulkender, P.J. (1993). Measurement of aging anxiety: development of the anxiety about aging scale. International Journal of Aging & Human Development, 37, 247-259.
Lijtmaer, R. (2010). The beauty and the beast inside: the American beauty — does cosmetic surgery help? Journal of the American Academy of Psychoanalysis and Dynamic Psychiatry, 38 (2), 203-218.
Namir, S. (2006). Embodiments and disembodiments: the relation of body modifications to two psychoanalytic treatments. Psychoanalysis, Culture & Society, 11, 217-223.
Sarwer, D.B., & Crerand, C.E. (2004). Body image and cosmetic medical treatments. Body Image 1, 99-111.
Slevec, J., & Tiggemann, M. (2010). Attitudes toward cosmetic surgery in middle-aged women: body image, aging anxiety, and the media. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 34, 65-74.
Swami, V., Arteche, A., Chamorro-Premuzic, T., Furnham, A., Stieger, S., Haubner, T., & Voracek, M. (2008). Looking good: factors affecting the likelihood of having cosmetic surgery. European Journal of Plastic Surgery, 30, 211-218. DOI: 10.1007/ s00238-007-0185-z
Torien, M., Wilkonson, S., & Choi, P.Y.L. (2005). Body hair removal: the ‘mundane’ production of normative femininity. Sex Roles, 52, Nos. 5/6, 399-406. DOI: 10.1007/ s11199-005-2682-5.

After nearly three years of work, my novel, Confessions of a Failed Anorexic is finally available! Here is the description as it reads on Amazon:

Sarah Thompson went on her first diet when she was seven years old, and has been on a dieting roller coaster ever since. Longing for what she doesn’t have, the unfulfilled stay-at-home mom goes on a journey of self discovery tainted by the pursuit of a perfect body. An unlikely friendship with fun-loving and thin-obsessed Stacy Vargus leads Sarah down a path she believes will bring her closer to a world she has spent a lifetime chasing, only to realize it doesn’t exist. An unexpected reunion with an old friend unleashes a passion for life Sarah had long forgotten, giving her a new lens through which to view her world.

This debut novel by Michelle Cantrell offers an entertaining twist on keeping up with the Joneses while revealing the dangers of losing oneself to the superficial status symbols of suburban life.

Sharing this with the VenusVision community, I am aware that some readers may be fighting an eating disorder. For that reason, I would like to share what I wrote about the title in my novel.

Being involved in the Eating Disorder Community, I’m sensitive to the emotions Confessions of a Failed Anorexic might elicit in some. The reason I chose the title is that for much of my life, that’s how I felt. Years of disordered eating skewed my thinking to the point that I believed an eating disorder would bring me happiness in the form of a thin body. I was naive in thinking that if I could somehow become anorexic, I could control the eating disorder. Though I never did become anorexic, I periodically practiced starvation and purging, and was eventually diagnosed with an Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS). I finally sought help when thoughts of food and hatred towards my body, combined with destructive behaviors dominated every moment of my life.

Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes and as many as 10 million females in the United States suffer from an eating disorder. Despite the fact that eating disorders have the highest mortality of any mental disorder, the majority of people with severe eating disorders do not receive adequate care. (National Eating Disorders Association, 2008)

It is my hope that this novel will demonstrate how the destructive nature of disordered eating can easily cross over into an eating disorder, and bring life and death complications with it. After recovering from my own eating disorder, I began discovering all life has to offer when one isn’t entirely devoted to achieving an arbitrary ideal of beauty and thinness. I hope that others can find the same hope and begin to aim for more in life than a number on the scale.

At this time, the novel is only available on the Kindle. If you don’t have a Kindle, there are still many devices for which a free Kindle reader application is available, such as PCs, Macs, iPads, iPhones, Droids and Blackberrys. To download a free app, go to Amazon.

I am hoping in the future there will be a print edition. Until then, I hope you will share my novel with anyone who has ever struggled with body image and their relationship with food.

Note: This book contains content that may be triggering for some who are suffering from or in recovery from an eating disorder.

Confessions of a Failed Anorexic

Now I’m not so sure. Why should I be cautious with my optimism? Why can’t I just be optimistic outright? Yes, holding back on optimism is a way of protecting ourselves from disappointment, but by expecting less than the best from our futures are we shorting ourselves on the power of hope?

Just because I am optimistic doesn’t mean I am not being realistic. I am well qualified for the graduate program to which I have applied, and feel that I would make an excellent student within the program. But I know that there may be more well qualified people than openings in the program, and regardless of my expectations, I will be disappointed if I am not admitted into the program. Being cautious about my feelings really won’t provide much buffer against that disappointment, and the reality is, disappointment is a part of life. It’s how we learn to grow, adapt, change, and find new paths. It is not something to shield ourselves from, but instead channel into something purposeful.

How do you approach your future? Do you live your life expecting the worst to avoid being let down or do you open your hear to the endless possibilities life holds for you?

The spare bedroom in our house is known as ‘the office’. Although the only piece of furniture that now occupies the room is a futon which is usually pulled out in the bed position and covered in toys that have spilled over from our kids’ rooms, it once served as a home office for my husband. And, even though he moved his office into the basement more than a year ago, the bedroom which has become our guest/play room will likely forever be known to us as ‘the office’.

Fortunately, our spare bedroom doesn’t have an identity that is being warped by conflicting ideas of who it is and who it should be based on past experiences. People, on the other hand, are different.

An individual’s identity develops over time, shifting and growing with each life experience. But sometimes it becomes easy to get wrapped up in maintaining a piece of your identity from the past even if it may not reflect who and where you are now. This can be physical, as in “I am dieting to get back to the body I had in high school”. Or it can be emotional, where one might lament what they see as a loss in the life they had in the past, as in a parent longing for the care-free days of their pre-child life.

While past experiences are an important part of who we are today, remaining tied to the past can lead to feelings of frustration and discontent. Instead of hanging on to who you “used to be”, concentrate on who you are now, reflect on the positive things, and consider what you might change for the better — not in an effort to get back to the past, but instead to move toward a better future.

Have you been trying to go back in time? What would happen if you let go of the person you “used to be”?

But the reality is, the number on that little label that no one ever sees indicates absolutely nothing about me — not my health, not my beauty,  not my worth. And if that’s the case, why should that little number affect me positively or negatively.

I remember a few years ago, when I had worked hard to lose a lot of weight, counting every calorie, and working out every single day to the point of exhaustion, my prize when I reached my goal weight was to buy a pair of expensive designer jeans. But when I got to my goal weight, and tried on a pair in the size that I thought should fit me, I was disappointed to find them to be too small. And I let that be my measure of success — a measure I had not yet lived up to.

Now, a good 30 pounds heavier than I was at that time, I know I don’t need to wear a pair of designer jeans or fit into a certain size to mark my success at good health.

Do you let the number on a tag determine your success?