Does ‘Fitspiration’ Motivate or Encourage Self Hate?

Today on my VenusVision Facebook page, I reposted an article by Beauty Redefined Why “Fitspiration” Isn’t So Inspirational which discusses the negative impact of “fitspiration” or images and quotes that are supposed to inspire us to fitness. Based on some of the response, I wanted to offer an extended reply and expand on why I agree with the original post.

Here is an excerpt from one of the comments:

“Why is it a crime to suggest (through images, words, whatever) that only a few people are ever going to represent the ideal? That’s not demeaning, it’s truth. If it hurts your little feelings, use that to motivate you to go after your personal best, not cry over cultural obsession or objectification and use that as an excuse to say how it makes you feel so demeaned. If you want something, you have to give up the excuses and blaming anyone other than yourself, and go for it. Effort = results. Actions = priorities. So showing a tight body with the message “get off your lazy ass if you want to look like this” is entirely appropriate to me.”

I think good physical health is an important part of good emotional health. I believe in taking care of and respecting our bodies, and I think there are a variety of ways to do that. But when the motivation to do so is extrinsic, as in when were are doing it to live up to some ideal determined by someone else — and promoted in many “fitspiration” or “thinspiration” pictures and quotes, it can lead to unhealthy consequences that at best bring an end to the commitment to achieve said ideals, and at worst can lead to unhealthy body and food obsessions, and deadly eating disorders, which are on the rise across genders, ethnic, and age groups.

The waistlines in our country have been growing for several decades. We’ve all heard the statistics — two thirds of Americans are overweight or obese. During the same time period, the diet and fitness industries have grown into multi-billion dollar money making factories. They provide plenty — let me repeat — plenty of thinspiration, fitspiration, and any other kind of inspiration that will make you want to spend money on their products and services because they know we all will ignore their dirty little secret: DIETS DON’T WORK. No matter how many posters and quotes and fitness magazines we look at, the reality is, 95 percent of us won’t be successful at losing weight for an extended period of time. If thinspiration and fitspiration really worked, surely there would be more than a 5 percent success rate among those who claim to be motivated by it.

It’s easy to call it a cop out to blame our culture for feeling demeaned, but the reality is, Madison Avenue has every intention of making you feel that way. After all, if you were happy with the way you were, what motivation would you have to buy the products that are supposed to make you better? Trust me, they wouldn’t spend the kazillions of dollars that they do if they weren’t absolutely sure that you would fall for their slight of hand tricks. They sell us a bill of goods, that if we look the way they tell us to look, we’ll be happy. Be thin and you’ll get the gorgeous guy, the big bank account, the McMansion, the convertible. Have six pack abs and your doctor will say hooray, forgetting to ask how many cigarettes you smoke each day and how much wine you drink at night to numb the self hate that comes from a life of always trying to please other people and live up to their standards, rather than exploring your genuine self. That’s not to say that everyone with six-pack abs or “tank-top ready” triceps is unhappy with who they are. My point is that if the reason for challenging and strengthening their body comes from external sources of motivation, ultimately the euphoria achieved from reaching goals (if that euphoria is actually ever achieved) will most likely be fleeting as soon as another standard arises for them to meet, compelling them back into a cycle of body dissatisfaction.

Again, I want to point out that I think good physical health is an important goal for anyone. I think most people could benefit from turning off their computers and/or TVs and moving for 30-60 minutes a day, and not just because the latest health reports say it’s good for our hearts, but because like rats in a cage, we go a little crazy if we don’t get to move our bodies, even if it’s in a “hamster wheel”. But I firmly believe that shaming people by convincing them that there is one ideal of health and beauty, as fitspiration/inspiration so often does not only is ineffective in providing long term motivation, but it also to perpetuates the idea that we are only as good as our bodies look. Someone may look at a picture of a beautiful body and suddenly feel compelled to go spend an hour on the eliptical, but the motivation has nothing to do with achieving a higher level of cardiovascular health and everything to do with molding their shameful body into something worth looking at. Some may argue that if the end result is the same — a healthier body — than what difference does it make? Well, if you are happy to achieve the short term “success” of a fit body while sacrificing the longer benefits that come from an intrinsically motivated health and fitness routine, I guess it’s not really a problem. But if you hope to achieve a balance in emotional and physical health, it might be useful to begin by ending the body shaming that comes from the media and so called “fitspiration.”

I LOVE my body. I am proud of my body. I don’t let my weight determine my value or my assessment of my health — all in spite of the fact that it is in no way shape or form any sort of ideal, at least by outward appearances. When I go to my doctors now, I don’t even let them weigh me anymore because I don’t want a number on the scale to be how my health is judged by them or by me. I have told them they can talk to me all they want about my blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar levels, and cardiovascular health, but so far, every year at my physical, all of those numbers indicate I’m in excellent health which is contrary to what they would think if they simply looked at my weight. Despite all of this, I still have to actively reject the constant messages that tell me I should be thinner if I am to be seen by our world as beautiful and/or healthy. And the key word there is ‘active’.

We live in a culture where we are constantly told that our body parts represent our value and place in our society, and some people don’t have a problem with that fact. I certainly can’t tell someone else what they should or shouldn’t be motivated by. I can simply state the facts and make choices for myself, and hopefully inspire people who wish to to achieve a healthy balance between mind and body. I will also continue to encourage people to think critically about the media they consume as well as continue to voice my opinions about the messages I see as damaging to the mind, body, and spirit.

As Jenni Schaefer said in her recent post Body Image: I Love How I Look in a World That Doesn’t, “Make a choice today to love your body. It will love you back.”

What’s Your “Thing”?

Ever since leaving the breakfast event I attended yesterday featuring Glennon Doyle Melton of Momastery, I can’t stop thinking about one part of the discussion that centered around “finding your thing”. Throughout the Q&A session (which lasted about an hour longer than was allotted for!), many of the issues brought up came back to that one essential piece: finding your thing. One woman who was struggling with sobriety asked Glennon how she maintained her own sobriety amid the chaos of her life. Although Glennon cited several important factors for herself, a large component of her sobriety is her writing, or her “thing”. She emphasized the importance of having a “thing” to focus on when struggling with addiction.

When someone else asked her how we can inoculate our daughters from the forces of society that tell them they need to be thin and beautiful above all else, she again espoused the importance of encouraging them to find their thing — something outside of their physical appearance and something that gives them deeper value. Eventually, it seemed like the entire focus of the morning centered on finding a “thing” as it became apparent that more and more women in the group had trouble finding their own thing. I completely relate — it was only a year ago, at the age of 38, that I felt like I had really found my thing when I made the decision to go to graduate school for a degree in mental health counseling.

I wondered what makes it so hard for us to find our thing, and indeed, why is it we need to find our thing? Consider this: for most of humankind’s existence, our energy has been focused on three things — eating, sleeping, and making babies. The eating part took up the bulk of that energy since we had to grow and/or catch our own food which admittedly wasn’t an easy process. After that, we found the most reproductively sound mate that we were able to catch, and made as many babies as possible since many of them would not survive to adulthood. But with each baby, our energies were likely not diverted from our primary goals of survival. I’m not an anthropologist or historian, but I’m pretty sure throughout most of our existence, mothers didn’t stop working in the fields or doing whatever else was needed to aid in the survival of a family unit, in order to devote their lives to raising emotionally, intellectually and physically sound human beings. Now please understand, that is not a criticism of today’s moms — I’m one of them. I wouldn’t trade the last ten years of being home full time with my daughters — taking them to Little Gym and art classes and Tae Kwon Do and soccer practice, etc. etc. etc. — for anything. All I’m saying is that evolution hasn’t equipped our emotional brains with tasks that are less directly connected with our day to day survival and as a consequence we may be wondering what our purpose on this planet is. If we aren’t supposed to devote our lives to our basic survival, then what are we supposed to be doing? What is our thing? And how do we find it?

In many ways, Glennon was lucky — not only did she find her thing in writing, but she has been validated for it by her followers, by publishers, and even television producers. But she pointed out that none of that was important to her (yes, I know, easy to say now), because at the end of the day, what she loves about writing, what keeps her going for eight hours a day devoted to writing, is her love for the act of writing itself. She asserted that if tomorrow she woke up and everything else fell away — the book deal, the possibilities for a TV show, the notoriety, she would still have the thing she loves — her writing and the sense of accomplishment and satisfaction she has after finishing a good post. And I believe her. That’s not to say she doesn’t love the direction her life has taken, but she didn’t need those things to happen for her to know she had already found her thing.

But the audience wanted to know: how do we find our thing? Glennon had a few suggestions that I think were helpful, but I think it helps to start by defining what a thing is and is not for each person. Many assumed that a thing had to be something one was good at or that came easily. I would argue that not only do neither of things things have to be true, but that you don’t even necessarily have to want to be good at your thing. You simply have to derive intrinsic pleasure from it, whether you excel at it or not.

For example, I recently discovered Zumba (yes, I’m a late bloomer), and instantly fell in love. I look forward to going to my class every week, and stand in the front of the class shaking and spinning and gyrating to the music. Now let me be clear — I look like a total idiot. I am pretty sure I have the anti-Latina gene because I couldn’t look less rhythmic if I was a pocket-protector wearing nerd. But it doesn’t matter because it just feels so good! And if I someday discover an ounce of rhythm somewhere in my veins, great! But if not, who cares? I have a classmate who loves Zumba so much she decided to become an instructor — not because she is looking to make a career out of it (presumably, since she’s in a graduate program for counseling), but because it just gives her such great joy. My point is, don’t let skill be a hurdle to finding your thing.

Another thing that Glennon mentioned is to ask your friends what they think your thing is. Sometimes it’s easier for someone else to see it in you than for you to see it yourself. Do you go to your friends’ houses and start organizing their cupboards? Maybe your thing is a to be a professional organizer. Or maybe you can just enjoy helping out your friends (you can start with my house!). Do you constantly worry about children who don’t have enough to eat? Volunteer! I’d be happy to point you in a few directions! Do you love being outdoors and moving? Take up cycling. Walking. Gardening. Anything that reconnects you with nature and your roots. The possibilities are endless if we open ourselves up to the world, and as one person in the audience suggested, say yes more to new experiences. It also means letting go to predefined notions of what should bring us happiness and contentment in life. Notions about the roles we are supposed to fill, the things we are supposed to buy, the lives we are supposed to live, all in the pursuit of happiness.

As Glennon pointed out, so often we make assessments about our own life and its value based on the assumptions we make about others. Even with her telling the audience to avoid doing that, they were comparing their inability to find their thing to the massive success she has had as a writer and already giving up before they even try. Not everyone who “finds their thing” is going to be recognized by hundreds of thousands of people. In fact, most people may never have any kind of external validation for whatever their thing is. I recently met an eighty-year-old woman who described herself as a poet-aster. When I gave her a confused look, she said “I’m a poet disaster.” I doubt she was as terrible as she assumed she was, but what I or anyone else thinks doesn’t really matter to her. She’d been writing poetry since she was in the second grade, it gave her great intrinsic joy, and she didn’t care if she wasn’t going to be the next Maya Angelou.

If you haven’t found your thing open up your heart and ask yourself what gives you great joy? What do you spend your time thinking about and would it be worthwhile to devote more energy to it? Or less? Finding your thing is a journey and it can change over time, but accepting the idea that you don’t have to be good at it and that you don’t need others to validate it is the first step in finding something that makes you want to wake up in the morning and greet the day with new joy.

My Thing

It was a long journey for me before coming to the decision to pursue a path towards mental health counseling, and if the word “lost” seems cliche in describing how I felt before coming to that decision, then I stand accused. I wasn’t much of a student through most of my pre-college education, and at one point during adolescence felt pretty certain my future involved abandoned housing and a bunch of misfit, mohawk sporting, combat-boot wearing friends. Luckily I decided I wanted a little more out of life in time to pull my grades together and go to college, having decided I wanted to teach English after my senior English teacher ignited a spark for me. Still, all through college, much as I loved my English classes, I remained petrified at the thought of standing in front of a class teaching a bunch of kids who would rather be making out in the hallway or smoking a joint in the parking lot. I figured I would get over it, my love for the subject winning out, but it never felt like it was the right fit — never felt like it was “my thing”. By the time I graduated, I was completely sure teaching was not the right path for me, but had no idea what was, and subsequently ended up working at a boring desk job. Eventually after playing the grown up professional for a while, I came to the conclusion that the corporate world was not for me either, and that my real calling was to be a mother.

So imagine my surprise when I had this newborn baby to care for, and who wouldn’t stop crying no matter what I did, to discover that motherhood wasn’t the blissful baby-wearing, on demand breast-feeding, twenty-four/seven bonding experience I was certain Dr. Sears assured me it would be. Although I loved being a new mom, and loved my daughter dearly from the moment I laid eyes on her, I also quickly came to the realization that motherhood wasn’t exactly my “thing” either. I didn’t derive the deep and seemingly limitless satisfaction from the experience I was sure all of my other new mom peers were experiencing and wondered what I was doing wrong. Within months of having my first daughter, I began researching graduate programs, but quickly determined that was not a realistic route for me at that time.

Over the next ten years, I floundered from this to that, and took a step in the right direction when I founded VenusVision in 2008. I have always enjoyed writing, and I wanted to reach out to others, and VenusVision provided a platform for doing both. But I have to admit, I didn’t have the tenacity to keep up with it on a regular basis, and when I compared my success (or what I saw as a lack of it) to my blogging peers, I realized I would never reach the levels of readership they had. I began to lose interest, only posting occasionally which of course ended up in a self fulfilling prophecy since, with no new material, there would be no new readers.

I spent a couple of years trying my hand in the direct-selling business, and I while I had a fun time and met a lot of great people, I realized that wasn’t my thing either. (Again though, I spent a lot of time comparing myself to others in the business and felt depressed at not achieving their level of success.)

And then one day I was having a conversation with my step-mother, talking about what to try next in my life, and came back to a recurring theme that I’ve had in recent years of wanting to help women overcome body image and food relationship issues, and she said “I think you’d be great at that!” And the stars aligned. Though throughout much of my life, I’ve had friends tell me that I would make a great therapist/counselor, I never had the confidence to feel like I could help others with their problems. But after recognizing the value of overcoming my own issues, and my ongoing ability to face new issues with more confidence and clarity, I was able to muster up the courage to apply to graduate school for a degree in counseling, and for the first time in my adult life, I really feel like I have found my thing. However, that “thing” continues to evolve as I am exposed to new ideas and issues that lead me in new directions. Now, instead of thinking “I can’t”, I know “I can”.

The Normalization of Cosmetic Surgery and its Impact on Society and Human Development

(submitted as a final paper for Advanced Human Development, College of Education and Human Development, Counseling and Development Program, GMU, Fall 2011)

Abstract

In 2010, Americans spent nearly $10.7 billion on 9.5 million cosmetic procedures (American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, 2011). Since 1997, the first year in which the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery (ASAPS) began collecting data, there has been a 155% increase in the total number of cosmetic procedures. According to a recent survey, more than half of Americans approve of cosmetic plastic surgery. As surgical and nonsurgical cosmetic procedures become normalized in our culture, changing expectations about age and beauty ideals may be altered in a way that can impact physical, cognitive, social, and emotional development throughout the life cycle. This paper explores the culture of cosmetic medicine, the social implications of its increasing popularity, and the resulting shift in ideologies that can contribute to increasing ageism and the unending quest for unachievable ideals, while also considering a cross cultural perspective and counseling implications.

Literature Review

There has been extensive research on the motivations that drive consumers of cosmetic procedures. While much of the literature focuses on college-age females, some studies have looked at the attitudes of older men and women. Regardless of age, many respondents who have either had one or more cosmetic procedures performed, or approve of cosmetic procedures, place less emphasis on the features for which they sought alterations, and more on the extraphysical benefits of doing so (Adams, 2010). In a study of motivational narratives, Adams found that the most prominent theme for the basis of opting for one or more procedures was “the notion that having surgery would have extraphysical effects, such as increased self-esteem or increased attractiveness to potential partners.” (p. 764). Adams went on to add “there was also an acute cognizance of the societal pressures to look young and attractive, and many respondents suggested that these messages, from media outlets and society in general, played a role in their decisions to have surgery.” (p. 764). The impact of media and the expectations of society are shown to have an impact in virtually every piece of literature reviewed for this paper.

In a study of the factors affecting the likelihood of having cosmetic surgery, Swami et al. found that there is a greater sociocultural pressure on women than men to attain and incorporate beauty ideals, and because these pressures are seen as normative for women, cosmetic surgery can appeal to those seeking a way to feel better about their bodies. (p. 217). Sarwer et al. had similar findings in their study of body image in its relation to the pursuit of cosmetic procedures. Their conclusion revealed that “for many individuals, cosmetic surgery appears to be an adaptive strategy to address body image dissatisfaction … thus, the pursuit of cosmetic surgery may be related to some form of psychopathology, which may be more appropriately treated by psychotherapy than cosmetic surgery.” (p. 107). Indeed, in the same study, breast augmentation patients reported more appearance related teasing, and more frequently used psychotherapy than the control group. (p. 106). In a case study by Lijtmaer (2010), a patient’s preoccupation with her outward appearance was a way to mask her intrapsychic feelings which were a result of unresolved conflicts with her mother.

It’s important to note that the pressures to move closer to an idealized image are not limited to women. Returning to the study by Adams, we see that men are opting for procedures that will make them more attractive to others in the “dating scene” (p. 759) and possibly give them more opportunities in a competitive job market where a younger generation is entering the workforce (p. 757).

Because some findings indicate the presence of a cohort effect from Baby Boomers who tend to feel that their physical age is incongruent with their mental age and are, therefore, more likely to resist aging naturally than pre-Boomers (Clarke, 2007), it is important to examine the motivations behind the largest age cohort in America. (Ferguson, 2010). In their examination of older women’s perceptions of natural and unnatural aging, Clarke and Griffin found that while women who had not had any surgical or non-surgical procedures viewed natural aging as the acceptance of the physical realities of growing older, another group who subscribed to the benefits of cosmetic procedures viewed natural aging as “unattractive, if not objectionable, as well as risky in light of the social and physical realties of growing older.” (p. 198). To this group, using medical technology to enhance or alter their appearance is a requirement of aging as later life becomes “further devalued and socially repugnant in a society underscored by ageist values and norms.” (p. 199). In a study by Slevec and Tiggemann (2010), they proposed and confirmed that aging anxiety defined as a “combined concern and anticipation of losses centered around the aging process” (Lasher, 1993), is a strong component in the decision to pursue cosmetic procedures. Aging anxiety and the pursuit of beauty are reinforced in the media and perpetrated by the cosmetic industry with books like The Wrinkle Cure (2000) by dermatologist Nicholas Perricone (as cited by Bayer, 2005) in which he refers to “wrinkled, sagging skin” as a “disease, and you can fight it”. Additionally, with the emergence of reality television programming touting the life-altering effects of cosmetic procedures while minimizing the risks involved, a normalization of participating in cosmetic enhancements has had a persuasive effect on potential patients. (Slevec, 2010).

While some people argue that age-defying and beauty-enhancing products and procedures can be liberating against the seemingly unstoppable effects of aging, Bayer proposes that such options “buttress the notion that looking old — and thus, being old — is socially, medically, and personally undesirable.” As cosmetic surgery and non-surgical procedures become more affordable in a competitive market, it is important to consider the psychological and social ramifications of body altering procedures. (Gilmartin, 2010). In her review of current literature, Gilmartin concludes that the medical system “bolsters and benefits from the larger consumer-orientated society by colluding with the beauty ideal and cultural mores.” (p. 1807). In a report on ethical challenges within the cosmetic surgery industry, Atiyeh et al. also concluded that physicians participating in the selling of cosmetic services and offering aesthetic services face inherent conflicts of interest, pointing out that it becomes “ethically suspect, breaching obligations of beneficence and honesty, when a physician trades on the status of doctor to sell a clinically unproven product (2008).” In so doing, not only is the culture at large exploited through their insecurities and poor body image, but those with psychopathologies such as eating disorders and body dysmorphic disorder are at greater risk of exacerbating their condition through procedures which by virtue of their disorder can not produce the results they seek. (p. 1804).

Discussion

The increasing popularity in cosmetic surgery and non-surgical procedures seems to take us down a slippery slope. Where does one draw the line between getting a pedicure, putting on lipstick, using Botox injections, or having abdominoplasty (tummy tuck)? By participating in a beauty culture, are we adding to our potential or entering into a vicious cycle of body dissatisfaction? According to Sarwer, some studies have revealed continued improvements in psychological functioning in the first year following cosmetic surgery. However, Sarwer also points out it is possible that “improvements may diminish, particularly if they are related to the frequency of positive feedback patients receive about their postoperative appearance.” (p. 109). More studies need to be done to research the long-term psychological impact of cosmetic surgery, particularly in a culture of medicine where many surgeons’ mantra is said to be ‘start early, do often’, (Gilmartin, 2010), a philosophy internalized by many pro-cosmetic procedure participants across numerous studies reviewed for this paper. Additionally, with 19% of cosmetic procedures performed on racial and ethnic minorities in 2010, more research needs to be done on the relationship between the work being done and its psychological impact on members of different cultures who have to mitigate the ideals from their own cultures with those of a new culture in which they desire to become a part of.

Though ideals of beauty change over time as a result of many influences, Western cultures, and in particular, white cultures seem to dominate the ethos of beauty. In Lijtmaer’s review of the literature, she found numerous studies that point to an increase in body dissatisfaction as non-white groups become acculturated into American culture. (pp. 205-207). With the current widening in socioeconomic gaps, access to cosmetic procedures could further reinforce the difference in status between the haves and have nots, which may be delineated across cultures with minority groups in lower income brackets and less access to expensive procedures.

Another concern I have is the possible pressure exerted on those who otherwise have a healthy body image and self perception. As cosmetic procedures become more accepted and affordable, we run the risk that it becomes a new standard and practice in which we are to participate if we wish to be deemed normal. Take for example the predominantly female practice of hair removal. Though women may not want to participate in the practice, in American culture, it is seen as socially unacceptable to have hair on the legs and underarms, and indeed, according to Toerien et al., “body hair is a flaw, unfit for public display”, (2005). Therefore, women practice hair removal as a necessary part of maintaining femininity, an act, which Toerien suggests serves to “reinforce the view that underpins all the body-changing procedures, from make-up application to cosmetic surgery: that a women’s body is unacceptable if left unaltered.” (p. 400). So, although at this time, I choose not to color my hair, accepting the gray as it comes with age, there may come a time when I am competing for a job, or perhaps even a mate, against peers who participate more extensively in the beauty culture and present a younger facade which in turn may give them an advantage — an advantage that I too could obtain by making similar choices. So one can be faced with giving in to a new norm or facing the consequences of trying to stay true to oneself.

There is no denying the inherent appeal of beauty throughout animal nature. Birds have their plumage to attract a mate, flowers have bright, bold colors to attract their pollinators, male lions have large manes to intimidate their opponents. All of these attributes signify their potential ability to be successful in their environment, surviving challenges and attracting a mate to produce offspring. It could be and has been argued that humans, in this regard, are no different, at the basic level, which provides a basis for our quest for youth and beauty. If, at our core, our purpose is to pro-create, then we are likely to seek out those who reflect the ability to successfully do so. However, as humans, we have the benefit of higher thinking to take in a bigger picture when assessing the desirability of others, whether we are seeking a mate, an employee, a friend, or a nanny. What alarms me about the rising numbers of people seeking cosmetic procedures is that it places an increasing importance on outward appearance while potentially diminishing the value of what is inside. As discussed in depth by Namir (2006), when the outward body becomes the ultimate means for expression through transformation, a person risks abandoning the inside for the outside. In Namir’s interpretation of one patient’s decision to have procedures done, she chose to hide “in homogenization, looking as the world deemed attractive rather than emerging from her own aliveness, radiance, sensuality and self-expression.” (p. 218).

Counseling Considerations

The counseling considerations in relation to the booming cosmetic surgery industry are wide reaching since its impact spans all four domains of development across the stages. As children enter into adolescence and face changes in their bodies, pressure to make their bodies conform to physical ideals that may only be met through unnatural means could lead to risky behaviors such as disordered eating. At a time when identity formation is at its peak, increasing emphasis on physical appearance can lead to a devaluation on internal qualities that make up the identity. As a person continues throughout the life cycle, the pursuit of physical ideals might lead to continued disappointments as an individual tries in vain to live up to fabricated ideals that hold no basis in reality. Maintaining a focus on superficial traits can influence social relationships as a person forms personal connections with others based on externally formed values. And while the long term physical affects of plastic surgery and more recent cosmetic procedures have yet to be extensively measured, it seems impossible to escape at least some negative physical ramifications of these procedures.

Interventions

As clients evaluate their own self worth in the therapeutic setting, it is important to consider the impact of the beauty culture within which we live and work with clients to set standards for self evaluation that are less dependent on external measures while also allowing for the inevitable pressures placed on us by society to look our best on the outside regardless of how we feel on the inside. With patients who are considering or have already used cosmetic procedures to enhance their self perception, counselors should evaluate the goals the patient ultimately believes they will attain by having procedures done and work to understand the underlying psychopathologies that may be contributing to a diminished self image. Interventions could include working with a client to discover internal measures of value, focusing on past accomplishments that occurred irrespective of the client’s physical appearance, and working on goals that can continue to build on a person’s inner qualities. Also, since a focus on external appearance may be a coping mechanism for masking interpsychic conflicts (Lijtmaer, 2010), a greater understanding of unresolved issues that may have arisen even far in the past may present a relevant context for their attitudes and allow for an opportunity of resolution.

As a counselor, I would have to be cognizant of my own body image and views on cosmetic surgery. Past struggles with an eating disorder and defining my value based on physical appearance predisposes me to judgements about others in decisions they make based on their own physical appearances, particularly when they engage in surgical and non-surgical cosmetic procedures. Prior to researching this topic, I felt certain that in most cases, a patient’s body image and overall psychic well being would not benefit long term from cosmetic procedures because my assumption was they were focusing on external, easily manipulated “problems” rather than focusing on deeper issues that may present bigger challenges a patient is not ready to face. While that may be the case for some, I would need to remind myself that each person presents different experiences and therefore different responses to those experiences and some may in fact benefit from the very procedures I naturally find myself opposed to.

References

Adams, J. (2010). Motivational narratives and assessments of the body after cosmetic surgery. Qualitative Health Research 20(6), 755-767.
American Society of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, Cosmetic Surgery National Data Bank Statistics, 2010.
Atiyeh, B., Rubeiz, M., & Hayek, S. (2008). Aesthetic/cosmetic surgery and ethical challenges. Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, 32, 829-839.
Bayer, K. (2005). Cosmetic surgery and cosmetics: redefining the appearance of age. Generations, Fall 2005, 13-18.
Clarke, L.H., & Griffin, M. (2006). The body natural and the body unnatural: beauty work and aging. Journal of Aging Studies, 21, 187-201.
Ferguson, R. & Brohaugh, B. (2010). The aging of Aquarius. Journal of Consumer Marketing, 27/1, 76-81.
Gilmartin, J. (2010). Contemporary cosmetic surgery: the potential risks and relevance for practice. Journal of Clinical Nursing, 20, 1801-1809.
Lasher, K.P., & Faulkender, P.J. (1993). Measurement of aging anxiety: development of the anxiety about aging scale. International Journal of Aging & Human Development, 37, 247-259.
Lijtmaer, R. (2010). The beauty and the beast inside: the American beauty — does cosmetic surgery help? Journal of the American Academy of Psychoanalysis and Dynamic Psychiatry, 38 (2), 203-218.
Namir, S. (2006). Embodiments and disembodiments: the relation of body modifications to two psychoanalytic treatments. Psychoanalysis, Culture & Society, 11, 217-223.
Sarwer, D.B., & Crerand, C.E. (2004). Body image and cosmetic medical treatments. Body Image 1, 99-111.
Slevec, J., & Tiggemann, M. (2010). Attitudes toward cosmetic surgery in middle-aged women: body image, aging anxiety, and the media. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 34, 65-74.
Swami, V., Arteche, A., Chamorro-Premuzic, T., Furnham, A., Stieger, S., Haubner, T., & Voracek, M. (2008). Looking good: factors affecting the likelihood of having cosmetic surgery. European Journal of Plastic Surgery, 30, 211-218. DOI: 10.1007/ s00238-007-0185-z
Torien, M., Wilkonson, S., & Choi, P.Y.L. (2005). Body hair removal: the ‘mundane’ production of normative femininity. Sex Roles, 52, Nos. 5/6, 399-406. DOI: 10.1007/ s11199-005-2682-5.

Confessions of a Failed Anorexic Has Arrived!

After nearly three years of work, my novel, Confessions of a Failed Anorexic is finally available! Here is the description as it reads on Amazon:

Sarah Thompson went on her first diet when she was seven years old, and has been on a dieting roller coaster ever since. Longing for what she doesn’t have, the unfulfilled stay-at-home mom goes on a journey of self discovery tainted by the pursuit of a perfect body. An unlikely friendship with fun-loving and thin-obsessed Stacy Vargus leads Sarah down a path she believes will bring her closer to a world she has spent a lifetime chasing, only to realize it doesn’t exist. An unexpected reunion with an old friend unleashes a passion for life Sarah had long forgotten, giving her a new lens through which to view her world.

This debut novel by Michelle Cantrell offers an entertaining twist on keeping up with the Joneses while revealing the dangers of losing oneself to the superficial status symbols of suburban life.

Sharing this with the VenusVision community, I am aware that some readers may be fighting an eating disorder. For that reason, I would like to share what I wrote about the title in my novel.

Being involved in the Eating Disorder Community, I’m sensitive to the emotions Confessions of a Failed Anorexic might elicit in some. The reason I chose the title is that for much of my life, that’s how I felt. Years of disordered eating skewed my thinking to the point that I believed an eating disorder would bring me happiness in the form of a thin body. I was naive in thinking that if I could somehow become anorexic, I could control the eating disorder. Though I never did become anorexic, I periodically practiced starvation and purging, and was eventually diagnosed with an Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS). I finally sought help when thoughts of food and hatred towards my body, combined with destructive behaviors dominated every moment of my life.

Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes and as many as 10 million females in the United States suffer from an eating disorder. Despite the fact that eating disorders have the highest mortality of any mental disorder, the majority of people with severe eating disorders do not receive adequate care. (National Eating Disorders Association, 2008)

It is my hope that this novel will demonstrate how the destructive nature of disordered eating can easily cross over into an eating disorder, and bring life and death complications with it. After recovering from my own eating disorder, I began discovering all life has to offer when one isn’t entirely devoted to achieving an arbitrary ideal of beauty and thinness. I hope that others can find the same hope and begin to aim for more in life than a number on the scale.

At this time, the novel is only available on the Kindle. If you don’t have a Kindle, there are still many devices for which a free Kindle reader application is available, such as PCs, Macs, iPads, iPhones, Droids and Blackberrys. To download a free app, go to Amazon.

I am hoping in the future there will be a print edition. Until then, I hope you will share my novel with anyone who has ever struggled with body image and their relationship with food.

Note: This book contains content that may be triggering for some who are suffering from or in recovery from an eating disorder.

Confessions of a Failed Anorexic

Are You ‘Cautiously’ Optimistic About Life?

The other day I told someone that I had applied to graduate school and that I was “cautiously optimistic” that I would get in. We hear that phrase a lot: “cautiously optimistic”. We think something good might happen, but we don’t want to get our hopes up in case it doesn’t work out. Seems like a pretty good stance to take on future outcomes, right?

Now I’m not so sure. Why should I be cautious with my optimism? Why can’t I just be optimistic outright? Yes, holding back on optimism is a way of protecting ourselves from disappointment, but by expecting less than the best from our futures are we shorting ourselves on the power of hope?

Just because I am optimistic doesn’t mean I am not being realistic. I am well qualified for the graduate program to which I have applied, and feel that I would make an excellent student within the program. But I know that there may be more well qualified people than openings in the program, and regardless of my expectations, I will be disappointed if I am not admitted into the program. Being cautious about my feelings really won’t provide much buffer against that disappointment, and the reality is, disappointment is a part of life. It’s how we learn to grow, adapt, change, and find new paths. It is not something to shield ourselves from, but instead channel into something purposeful.

How do you approach your future? Do you live your life expecting the worst to avoid being let down or do you open your hear to the endless possibilities life holds for you?

When Size Doesn’t Matter

Though I prefer to wear skirts and dresses during the warmer months of the year, occasionally I have a need for wearing shorts, and recently found my wardrobe lacking somewhat in that department. While doing some other shopping in Target recently (LOVE that I can now get my groceries there!), I noticed some shorts on sale and grabbed a few different sizes to try on since I wasn’t sure how much give there would be in the stretchy cotton fabric. I started with the largest size, and felt a twinge of disappointment when they fit perfectly. But then I reminded myself that there is little rhyme or reason to the numbers on the tags in most of the clothing we buy. In my closet, I have clothes in four different sizes, all that fit me well.  So I could be upset about a larger number in one item of clothing, or thrilled about the smaller number in another piece of clothing.

But the reality is, the number on that little label that no one ever sees indicates absolutely nothing about me — not my health, not my beauty,  not my worth. And if that’s the case, why should that little number affect me positively or negatively.

I remember a few years ago, when I had worked hard to lose a lot of weight, counting every calorie, and working out every single day to the point of exhaustion, my prize when I reached my goal weight was to buy a pair of expensive designer jeans. But when I got to my goal weight, and tried on a pair in the size that I thought should fit me, I was disappointed to find them to be too small. And I let that be my measure of success — a measure I had not yet lived up to.

Now, a good 30 pounds heavier than I was at that time, I know I don’t need to wear a pair of designer jeans or fit into a certain size to mark my success at good health.

Do you let the number on a tag determine your success?

Even Happy People Get the Blues

I generally consider myself to be a pretty happy, positive person. I try to look for the bright side in situations, I give thanks every day for the life I have, and I work to steer clear of negativity in my life and in those around me. But earlier this year, I went through a period in which I lost sight of all those things, and latching on to something negative, I spiraled downward, fueled by each new seeming injustice I thought was being thrown my way.

I could go in to details about the things that were bringing me down, but ultimately, I see them as irrelevant. Given the mindset I was in, if it hadn’t been those particular things I was latching on to as a reason to feel blue, it just would have been something else. After a month or more of feeling this way, I finally decided to speak to the one person outside of my marriage that has always understood me and offered me sage advice: my Dad. I was eager to pour my heart out to him, hear his sympathy end empathy as he felt the injustices of the events I would portray to him.

It didn’t quite go as planned.

I did pour my heart out, and he did listen. And he was sympathetic to my feelings. But ultimately his response could be summed up by the phrase “get over it”. No, he didn’t actually say those words. And he didn’t use that tone with me. But the gist of what he said, no matter what I threw his way, was “You can not look to others to bring you contentment in life. You have to look within yourself.” I wanted to scream. That’s not at all what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear:

“Wow, honey, that’s really terrible. You have every right to be upset.”

or

“I agree that you should be mad. Let me see what I can do about it.” (This, even though I’m nearly 39 years old.)

or

“Things sound really tough right now. Here’s what you should do.”

Well, I guess he did tell me what I should do, but it wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

He also told me a story of a woman he had known years ago who was dying of cancer and was bitter and angry about everything in her life — a jerk of a husband who had left her in the middle of her illness, and of course, the illness itself. My dad’s advice to her was to to take just one day to live in the present, and observe everything around her, every act she did, as if she was seeing and doing it for the first time. I know it sounds like a simple task, but after she took his advice, she reported back to him that it was the most amazing experience. She felt the lather of her shampoo as she washed her hair, she noticed the warmth of the water while doing the dishes, she heard the birds chirping, and saw the trees swaying in the wind. Yes, she was still dying, but without focusing on what was going to happen at some unknown time in the future, she was able to enjoy living in the time she had right then and there.

Still, after hearing the story, I thought what does this story about a woman dying of cancer have to do with me? I went home after our lunch and sulked some more. After all of these years of my Dad knowing exactly what to say to me, how could he be so off the mark this time.

But, the more I thought about his words, the more I opened myself up to them and let them sink in. After all, isn’t that what I am always telling everyone else? Isn’t that what my messages on VenusVision are all about? Finding contentment from within? Living in the present? I can’t dole out advice but with conditions. I can’t dole out advice and then not follow it. (Ok, I know everyone does that, but this is pretty important advice to follow.)

The morning after our lunch, I woke up and made a decision. I wasn’t going to be down anymore. I focused on the little things and saw them with the wonder they deserved. When you really think about it, isn’t every little thing in our life a miracle?

For more than a month, I had felt as though my heart had just shut down. I wanted to find the on switch, but just didn’t know where to look. After hearing the words of my father, I was able to look and see that it was always right there inside me and all I needed to do was turn it on again.* Once again, I take time each day to be thankful of all I have in my life and reach inside to find the contentment I know is there, ready to be received.

* Though I was feeling down for what to me seemed like a prolonged period of time, I want to make the distinction between what I was feeling and what someone goes through with clinical depression. In no way do I wish for my experience to undermine that of someone with a serious mental illness.

What to Say When You’re Not Expecting (But Look Like You Are)

Recently I was on a flight back from California after a fun long weekend with a friend. Since I’m on the East coast, the return flight is usually about 5 hours and I get a bit antsy sitting in my seat, squished and uncomfortable. After getting up to use the rest room (or should I say ‘lavatory’), I decided to stand a while and stretch my legs. Since the flight attendants had already been through with the service cart, they were casually chatting amongst each other. Seeing me standing there, one of the flight attendants turned to me and asked, “So how far along are you?”.

Now, an airplane is loud, and I knew I had heard her correctly, but with what was probably a bit of a stunned look, I said “what?”. She instantly realized her mistake and tried to cover her tracks.

“I mean your flight. How much further do you have to go,” she stammered. Too late. I knew what she meant. And frankly, I couldn’t blame her. While I’m not a particularly large woman, I have been blessed with the eternal pooch. No matter how much weight I gain or lose, my pear shaped body seems to hold tight to my tummy which, yes, can resemble that of a pregnant woman. Add to that the fact that I was wearing an empire cut maxi dress, leaning against the wall of the airplane, probably accentuating my stomach, and the mistake she made doesn’t seem so out of the question.

I went along with her change in course and replied that I was headed home. And, that was it. I didn’t go back to my seat and spend the next hour and a half of my flight stewing and brewing over what she said while clouds of self hatred materialized around my body. I simply took it for what it was — an honest mistake, and moved on.

There was a time I would not have been so non-chalant about such a mistake and indeed, it is not the first time it happened. (The first time was when I was in 10th grade when a teacher asked me if I was pregnant, but that’s another story entirely!) And the last time it happened prior to the airplane episode, a guy at the gas station pointed to my stomach and asked in one-word broken English, “Baby?”. My answer? “Nope, just fat.” And then we laughed together.

Once upon a time, these types of comments would have propelled me into my next diet, extreme exercise routine, or depending on where my head was at the time, straight into a bag of chips.

But really, if you think about it, what’s so insulting about someone thinking you’re pregnant. Yes, I know the obvious answer is. But the reality is, that’s the way my body is shaped, and even at my very lightest — when I was counting every calorie in and out — I still had my tummy. We go way back, and it’s not about to leave me now. I can choose to resent it, or accept it the way it is, and the occasional pregnancy comments that come with it.

Besides, the flight attendant gave me a free movie and for the prices airlines charge for such luxuries these days, I’ll deal with the pregnancy faux pas now and then for a free in-flight chick flick.

Listening to that Voice that says “SLOW DOWN”!

As I rushed in from the grocery store around noon, scurrying about trying to get groceries put away, I started contemplating what the quickest meal I could whip together for lunch would be so I could get on with the rest of my busy day. A smoothie? Some yogurt mixed with fruit and cereal? An apple with peanut butter? No, no, and no. I don’t have time to sit down long enough to eat any of those things, I thought. Maybe, I considered, I could just get a smoothie while I was out. That would eliminate my having to make it, then wash the blender, and I would have it in a cup that was ready to travel with me through the remainder of my activities.

And then, as I bustled about in my kitchen, feeling stressed about all that I felt needed to be done urgently, I suddenly stopped. A voice that I have only recently learned to listen to said “SLOW DOWN!” And at that moment, I decided I would not fall back into old habits of devouring my meal, trying to get to the next task, the next moment, without paying attention to the moment I was in or to the task that was right in front of me — the task of nourishing my body properly. I got the rest of my groceries put away,  put together a plate of warm pita bread, some hummus, a couple slices of cheese, and some carrots, and sat down with a large glass of water, and ate my lunch slowly and with awareness. It was not a fancy meal, but it was delicious and nutritious, and once I made the decision to enjoy it slowly, it felt nice to take a break, and regain some perspective on my life and all that has been filling it lately. When I was finished, instead of jumping back into the fray of chaos that I mistakenly viewed my day as, I took my dog for a much needed (for both of us) walk.

Sure I’ve been busy lately. In addition to being a full time mom of a 8- and 6-year-old girls, maintaining (albeit loosely) a household, and trying to stay current with VenusVision, I have also started a group for women to explore and improve their relationships with food and their body, and I have recently launched a home-based business of selling a line of jewelry called Stella & Dot. Add to that the other things that pop up, like birthday parties, out-of-town guests, and end-of-school-year activities, and what you might get is one crazed, stressed out mom. Or, at least that’s what you would have gotten a year ago. But you know that voice I mentioned earlier? Well, I’ve been working on letting her have her say more often. She is the voice that knows I can do my best when I am taking care of me. She is the voice that reminds me that the world will not stop turning if I don’t get the laundry put away right away, or if there are clumps of dog hair here and there, or if I don’t get to most of the other things on my to-do list right away. She is the voice that reminds me that I only have one life to live, and that if I spend it always trying to get to the next moment, I will reach the finish line wondering how I filled my years, my days, and my hours.

And so, after I slowly ate my lunch, and took my dog for a walk, I did get out to run a couple of more errands. But now I am sitting here writing this, even though until a couple of hours ago, this post was not on my to-do list, hoping that I can encourage you to slow down, take a breath, and savor the moment, whatever that moment might bring for you. If you are feeling like this is the worst time to try and slow down, that probably is a pretty good indication that you need it more than ever. Take a deep breath. Go for  a walk. Read a book — anything that serves as a speed bump in your life because you need it and you deserve it.

Are You Ready For Swim Suit Season?

The messages to lose weight are omnipresent, but there is a new vigor about them as we approach the dreaded “swim suit season”. We fret about our perceived flaws all year long, and as the weather gets warmer, and we have to peel off the layers of clothing, our insecurities are also brought to light. Generally people seem to have one of two approaches this time of year: Work out like crazy, and eat like a bird in an attempt to squeeze into the mold of what one “should” look like in a swim suit; or, hide their head in the sand, avoiding the issue altogether, and finding new ways to call additional layers a “swim cover-up”.

How many summers have you spent your time at the pool or beach fretting away over how you looked in your swimsuit rather than splashing around or digging in the sand? Is that anyway to live? If you have kids is that what you want them to remember about your play time together? Or maybe you just avoid those situations all together. How much more time are you going to give to the negative thoughts that keep you down and out, and prevent you from experiencing life from the fullest?

I’m here to offer you a third approach to the swim suit season. Find the swim suit that fits the body you have now, and wear it with confidence, regardless of your size and shape. The only reason you are afraid to put on a bathing suit is because you have been so conditioned to think that you can only look good in one if you are a size 2, have flat abs, and a BMI of 18. But I beg to differ. Just do a google search on “plus size swimsuits” and you will find image after image of women representing many different sizes who look body confident and just all around beautiful in their swim wear. And let’s face it, that’s what so much of it comes down to anyway — body confidence. Do you think Queen Latifah hides under the umbrella because she doesn’t want to show off her larger than life curves? I can’t say with good authority, but I would guess when she walks out onto the beach or alongside the pool, she commands attention with her poise, and self-assured stature that reveals nothing short of body confidence.

These models wearing Lane Bryant swim wear certainly don’t look self conscious. If you saw them on the beach, the only thing you would notice about them would be how beautiful they are.

This year, say no to the last-ditched attempts at quick weight loss that don’t do anyone any good, and instead declare the coming season a summer of fun that won’t get “weighed down”.

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