What If You Were a Fat Vampire?

You’ll have to forgive me for the following analogy, but I’ve always had a thing for vampire stories (LONG before teams Edward and Jacob emerged!) and subsequently I’ve been immersed lately in the Sookie Stackhouse vampire series (the stories from which HBO’s True Blood were derived) by Charlaine Harris.  Though there are many variations in vampire myths in terms of their behaviors and weaknesses (garlic, crosses, sparkling in the sunlight), there is one thing all vampire stories have in common. When a person becomes a vampire, they remain as they are at the time they are turned — for eternity (or until they meet the sun). That means, if you are a handsome young man, you will forever appear to be a handsome young man. If you are a tall, buxom woman, you will forever be a tall, buxom woman. And lest you think you could get a boob reduction (if we’re talking modern vampire stories), in most lore, think again. Because of a vampires ability to heal, the likely result of any cosmetic surgery would be the eventual return to the way things were at the time the vampire was turned.

Ok, yes, I realize I’ve put way more thought into this than what might be considered healthy for a grown woman, but the whole thing got me thinking: what if you were bitten, and instead of like in the movies where all the vampires are sealed in a state of perfection for eternity (thanks to lots of HD make-up and computer enhancements), you weren’t exactly at your fighting weight when you were turned. Ok, let’s drop the euphemisms. Let’s say you were fat when the undead came along and sunk his teeth into you, bringing you over to the dark side. Imagine knowing that no matter what you did or ate (and let’s face it, drinking blood can’t really be all that calorically dense) or how much you ran at lightening speed to catch your prey, you would never, ever lose weight (ok, you might already feel that way). Would you be destined to spend an eternity feeling depressed because your body didn’t meet the ideal of one short period in history? Would you sulk around waiting for the next Rubenesque period to come along? Would you seek out Fat Vampire Support Groups?

I see a different scenario for my imaginary fat vampire. Maybe at first, you are a bit bummed about being stuck at your less-than-ideal weight until the end of days. But I think that would quickly be replaced by the incredible new abilities and opportunities you would have. Sure, immortality has its down side, but just play along with me here!

First of all, vampires have notoriously super-human strength. Imagine being able to walk down a dark alley and not being afraid of anything or anyone because whomever came along (except maybe an older, more powerful vampire), you could kick their butt! Secondly, they heal pretty quickly. Paper cut? No problem. Broken arm? So what? Severed leg? You’ll grow a new one! Third, in many vampire stories, you can fly, if not in your ‘human’ form, at least in bat form. Now I know most people aren’t crazy about bats, but hey, if you could fly from New York to LA without having to buy a plane ticket — especially with today’s prices, would you really complain too much? Fourth, you probably have some mind control over humans so you can make them do whatever you want. Hey — I’m not saying I would want — or use — that ability myself, but as long as we’re looking at the pros here, give me a little slack! And of course, even though you would be fat for eternity, cholesterol, diabetes, high blood pressure and other problems associated obesity will be a thing of the past. No more doctors giving you the tsk tsk and telling you that you’d better lose weight or else (or else you’d suck his blood!).

And then there are the opportunities! Bucket list? How about Giant Vat list? I mean, so you didn’t get to do that study abroad program in Paris that you were dying to do in college. Now you can go next year, or next decade, or next century. What’s the rush? It will still be there. Never had enough time to learn a foreign language? Now you can learn ten! What’s that hobby you’ve been meaning to take up but thought it would just be a waste of time? Knitting? Fencing? Wind-surfing? (Ok, that one you might have to forgo, since I’ve never heard of night wind-surfing). You get the idea.

What I’m trying to say here — the long confusing obscured point I’m trying to make is that if you absolutely positively had no other choice but to accept the only reality that was given to you, you would HAVE to eventually give in to it — embrace it even. So why not do it now? Why not learn to be content in the reality you are in even if it’s while trying to bring about a new reality. I’m not saying succumb to all of the things that give you grief in life, but I am asking you to consider accepting that it’s a part of your life, but only just that — one part. And it’s a part that may change — a part that you may choose to and have the power to change. Or it’s a part that might be that way forever. But dwelling on the negative things in our lives, whether it’s our body shape, the size of our breasts, or anything else that we perceive as less than, can make our short lives on this planet feel like an eternity, but more like an eternity in hell.

So take a look at your life — all of it, and reflect on what you love about it. Reflect on what you can change about it. And reflect on what will always be. And live it. All of it. With zeal.

365 Days of Reflection

Just before New Year’s, a photographer friend of mine asked me if I’d like to participate in a group she organized on Flickr. The goal of the group is to post one photographed self portrait each day for all of 2011. As I so often do, I agreed immediately without thinking about what staging, taking, editing, and posting one photo a day for the next 365 days would entail, particularly when trying to balance that with my other responsibilities in life.

I took on the project because I love photography but can get lazy about getting my camera out and using it to even half of its potential. I took a class teaching me how to use my camera almost a year ago, and yet I rarely venture beyond a few simple programmable functions on my complicated digital SLR. But I am finding the project so much more than just a creative outlet. It’s putting me in touch with my inner being, and bringing out sides of me I often wish I could show but for whatever reason don’t.

I have always thought that in general, I photograph well … that is to say, pictures of me generally turn out nicely. I consider myself one of the rare beings who always has a good driver’s license photo. Of course, when pictures of me don’t turn out so well, my inclination is to burn them, or as the case may be, delete them, but definitely not post them — especially on Facebook where any of my friends could see me in a less than favorable light.

But with this project, looking good isn’t the goal. The goal is to capture a mood, a moment, a feeling. Those moments don’t always look good. But I am moving beyond the need to present myself in the form that I most want people to see day to day, instead revealing more of what’s inside of me that I sometimes keep more hidden. Though today is only Day 4 of the project, I feel that the photos I’ve already posted reflect a broad range of emotions. The funny thing is, the pictures that I see as a less favorable reflection of myself, at least from a superficial stand point, seem to be the ones getting the most attention.

When I walk out of cycling class, dripping wet from sweat after an hour of working as hard as I possibly can, I would not see myself as a particularly attractive woman — indeed, most people probably want to get as far away from me and my sweat and my stench as possible. My clothes are soaked, I usually look like I’ve peed in my pants, and my head looks like I’ve just had a bucket of water dumped over it.

But this picture I posted of myself, in my opinion, reflects the inner strength I always feel after I work out. It’s not the most flattering picture of me, and it is only one of two pictures in existence that shows me in bike shorts because I’ve never been thrilled about my legs, let alone in bike shorts. Through the work I have done on loving my body and appreciating all that it can do, I now know that my legs are beautiful in this picture because they are strong.

Another picture I’ve gotten a lot of feedback on reveals a little more of me — literally. Interestingly, I had no reservations about posting this picture, despite the partial nudity. I felt like it was such a strong reflection of the love and appreciation I have for my body which I have only recently accepted as beautiful.

Another picture I posted juxtaposed a photograph of me as a child — one that was chubby and already learning that my body was not the ideal — with a photograph of me now. It feels good to go back to the beginning of so much pain and put the adult version of me next to it, almost as if saying “hang in there kid, there’s more to life than having a perfect body”.

Of course, at this point, I’m only 4 days into the project (though I’ve posted five pictures in the group because I couldn’t choose between the post-workout photo and the half nude photo yesterday). Creativity is fresh and young and flows easily. I recognize that it will be difficult to maintain my level of enthusiasm for the entire year. But the habit of reflecting on myself for a little bit each day has been so invaluable, I’m not sure I’ll want to give it up when the year is through.

(More of my photos can be seen on my personal Flickr page.)

When Old Insecurities Resurface

Few experiences in life bring out more insecurities in most people than that of the high school experience. Oh, except perhaps the high school reunion experience.

Last weekend, I had the pleasure of attending my 20-year high school reunion. While ultimately it was a very fun (and exhausting!) weekend, I was surprised at how quickly the confident, outgoing woman I have become in more recent years hid behind that self-conscious person I was as a young adult.

Having gone to five different high schools in four years (long story that doesn’t merit telling here), I definitely felt like an outsider at each of those schools. I was not the smartest, the prettiest, the most athletic, the most artistic, the most talented, the most outgoing, or really, the most of anything. Of course, no one really is, but at a time when you feel like your very existence depends on fitting in somewhere, I felt that I came up short in any group. Though I did make a few good friends in high school, it still often felt like a solitary experience.

Yet, as my 20-year reunion approached, I was eager to present myself as someone who in her own way had found success in life — I have been happily married for nearly 15 years, I have two amazing beautiful children, I am pursuing my dream of writing while also starting my own business, and I try to play a positive role in the lives of other women.

The week before my reunion, I did the obligatory shopping for a fun outfit that says “I am a confident mature successful happy woman.” A tall order, yes, but ultimately I found an outfit with which I was satisfied. Since I have my own jewelry business, the right accessories was not a problem. Then the day of the reunion arrived, and as I was getting ready, I start having a gnawing feeling which I couldn’t immediately identify. As I stood up straight in the mirror, I started to wonder if my pants looked too tight. When I bought the outfit, I thought it was flattering, but as I stood there in front of the mirror, with only an hour before I was to leave, I wasn’t so sure. Was my top too suggestive? Instead of projecting self confidence, did it say “Hey, look at me? I want attention?” And of course I couldn’t get my hair right. Nothing I did made it obey my commands, and I felt more and more frustrated. When I was ready to go, my husband took a picture of me, and when I looked at it, it just seemed to be a picture of someone trying hard to look good, but coming up short.

I was one of the first guests to arrive at the reunion — the sign of a mom desperate to escape for a night. I knew a few people already, but as groups of people rolled in together, I started to feel like an outsider again. I opted for some liquid courage and took advantage of the open bar my ticket had paid for. But as the night went on, and I saw more people I knew, the feeling of separateness grew. It seemed somehow, even though we all went to the same high school, we had experienced completely different worlds, and I found it hard to reminisce in a world I didn’t feel as though I had participated in.

All in all, I can’t say I didn’t have fun at the event, but up until the time I left, and really even into the next morning, I couldn’t shake the feelings of insecurities. Despite those feelings however, I decided to attend a more casual meet-up that was occurring the next night. This time though, I would be armed — armed with the power of who I am. I do not mean that I am a powerful woman. I simply mean that every single day, I like who I am, where I have been, and who I have yet to become. And no single experience should or can change that.

Since I frequently go to networking events in which I have to approach people I don’t know, talk about what I do, and try to make connections, I decided to treat the reunion meet-up as a networking event. I put on my favorite “power” necklace, stocked up my purse with business cards and brochures, and headed off with the familiar self confidence I encourage others to have.

As I chatted with others (keeping my alcohol consumption to a minimum this time), I realized I have a life worth being proud of, and I have every right to project that. But when I took the pressure off myself to try and impress others with who I had become, I realized the very person I was trying to be came out much more naturally. As a result, I had a fun, relaxed night, catching up with old acquaintances and making new ones.

Coming out of the weekend, I realized that there might be no way to permanently bury old insecurities, just like one might have a scar that never fully disappears. But as time goes by, you notice them less and less. I was able to acknowledge my feelings, but after realizing that they were unfounded, I could over come them.

Have you attended a high school reunion? Or did you avoid one because you were self conscious?

Shapewear: Do or Don’t?

Many body positive advocates take issue with shapewear feeling that it encourages women to hide or transform their bodies in an attempt to come closer to an ideal that is unattainable for most. I take a more flexible approach. I don’t feel the need to hide my body, or conform it in uncomfortable restrictive ways. However, on occasion, I have an outfit — a dress, a cute top with jeans — that in my opinion, on my body, looks better with smooth lines. Smooth lines that are more easily created by wearing shapewear. I don’t look at it as some problem I have to solve as some ads might want me to think, but simply a style preference.

So yes, I own a few shapewear pieces myself. Do I wear them every day? No. Would I recommend them to everyone? No. It’s a personal choice, and I would never encourage anyone to wear something that made them feel uncomfortable or even that they are sacrificing comfort for fashion. I’m a big proponent that you should be able to have both!

What do I wear? Well, early this year, I blogged about a Merona Fit Solutions Faux Wrap Dress. I think it’s an excellent example of having a streamlined look while staying true to myself and my body. It doesn’t mold my body into something it’s not. It doesn’t make me feel like if I eat dessert, I will burst out of the seams. But it does make me feel like my look is more pulled together and I like that.

I was also given the opportunity not long ago to review the Spanx Bra-llelujah bra, which I absolutely love. Not only is it the most comfortable bra I’ve ever owned, but, as promised it smooths things out under my t-shirts.

More recently, I bought a couple of Hanes shapewear items at Target. I will be wearing this Hanes Waist Cincher in black (don’t let the name full you — it’s not really a death grip on your waist) with the outfit I picked out to wear to my 20-year high school reunion.The outfit consists of a pair of dark rinse trouser jeans I picked up from Banana Republic (thankfully there were on sale for $49.99) and a cute sparkly gray tank top from Express. I bought the outfit before I had the shapewear, and I would be perfectly happy to wear it without the Hanes cincher. But for me, the smooth look that comes from wearing it makes the outfit look even better.

Oddly enough, the other piece of shapewear I bought recently at Target has been impossible to find online. It’s also from Hanes and is similar in style to this Spanx Open Bust Camisole, but at Target I found the Hanes version for only $14.99. I actually bought this one to go with my reunion outfit only to find that the back of the cami goes up too high for the tank top, which is how I ended up with the cincher. But I have been wearing the Cami shapewear almost every day because I actually find that my posture is better when I wear it.

So am I recommending that you go out and buy a piece of shapewear? Not in the least. But if you like how you look and feel in it, I can personally recommend the Hanes products.

Eat, Pray, Love: An Invitation for Inner Reflection

by Michelle Market, LPC

I recently finished reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, in much anticipation of my favorite actress playing the leading role in the movie that came out on August 13. The book prompted an intervention of inner reflection, all done through the lenses of Elizabeth Gilbert. I interpreted the book as a journey into reaching a comfort in your own skin and finding the silence within. Gilbert offers nuggets of advice through her own experiences of trials and tribulations, as she visits Italy, India, and Bali in a quest to find herself.

As you read through this article, I invite each of you to delve into your own personal journey and re-create your own experience of self-reflection outlined in the mindfulness exercises presented below.

EAT (Italy)
As Americans, we are constantly misunderstanding what happiness and pleasure is. So often we are caught telling ourselves, “I will be happy when …. I change careers, move, the children are older, I make more money.” Take a step back and start to reflect, instead, on creating happiness and pleasure on a daily basis. Gilbert outlined a few questions while in Italy to rekindle her own quest for pleasure. The clearer you can paint the picture the greater direction you will have in attaining this daily presence in your life.

How do you define pleasure?
What would you enjoy doing today?
What would bring you pleasure right now?

Italy Mindfulness Experience
Order a gelato. Before even stepping into the store, ask yourself, what flavor am I in the mood for?  Is it something sweet, like strawberry, indulgent as chocolate, or perhaps something minty and crisp, like a mint chocolate? Find a comfortable setting to enjoy your refreshing gelato. Take notice of the coldness, crispness, texture and smoothness as you taste each spoonful. Push away any negative thoughts or feelings about the experience. With each spoonful imagine that you are on streets of Rome. Notice the beauty of the gelato, its color, its appeal, and the taste. Be present as you indulge in each spoonful.

Pray (India)
While in India, Gilbert challenges us to keep our fire going. She invites us to look within for motivation.

“How do you keep the motivation to stay with it. Well, what is the alternative. Is it to quit whenever something gets challenging? The answer has to be no.”

Creating a healthy food relationship does not occur over night. It is an on-going process, an on-going journey. So much of what we want in life takes time, effort and diligence. It does not happen through osmosis.

In India, Gilbert was exploring being with her mind and her life experiences. I thought this quote hit home as an invitation to re-evaluate how you view things that have happened in your own life.

“There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under my jurisdiction….I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with. I can select what I eat and read and study. I can choose how I’m going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life, where I will see them as curses or opportunities”

What choices will you make in terms of how you view your life and the path that your life has taken? Will you choose a different path? Will you embrace the path that you are on? Will you seek out additional support in your life? How do you view your own happiness?

“people tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you’re fortunate enough. But that’s not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it.

India Mindfulness Experience

In this experience, I want you to focus on quieting your mind. Here is an excerpt from an article I wrote, Sneaking Quiet time into Your Day:

Quieting our mind, results in becoming more centered.  Gilbert demonstrated this in her experience in India that was developed as a result of her practice and due-diligence. When we have slowness in our day we develop greater awareness of what is going on in our mind, body and with our emotions.

Steps to incorporate meditation into your day:
•    Chose a time in the day that is most conducive to your meditation practice. (All you need is 5 minutes).
•    Initially, it is helpful to set a timer (start at 5 minutes).
•    Find a space where you can sit comfortably. Sit up tall with your legs uncrossed. Have your hands open and palms up. Close your eyes.
•    Find a word to focus on that will elicit a calm response. For example, peace, acceptance, slow, breathe.
•    When you have other thoughts that enter your mind picture them as clouds floating through the sky and then focus back on the calming word that you had chosen, refer to this as your mantra.
•    Take notice of taking slow, intentional deep breaths. Inhaling through the nose and exhaling through the mouth.

Love (Bali)
When Gilbert was in Bali she had to get re-acquainted with her heart. In this experience, I want you to get re-acquainted with yourself. Being your own best friend and support takes some commitment to learning to be comfortable by yourself.  During Gilbert’s stay in Bali she examined the concept of self-esteem building, which I believe to be an integral piece of having a healthy food relationship.

“So much about self esteem building is choosing your outlook. How will you speak to yourself. Will you entertain negative thoughts or refute them. Will you dwell in negativity or break free. Will you ruminate on the things that you cannot control, or will you accept life. (p260)

Bali Mindfulness Experience
Make a date with yourself this week to do something that is purely fun for you, not what you think you should be doing. Instead of waiting, incorporate small pleasurable experiences within your week. For example, a visit to a nearby museum, catching a movie, lunch at your favorite sandwich shop, or perusing the books at a bookstore.  Get reacquainted with yourself and enjoy your own company, indulge in the following questions as a way to take an inventory in your life right now.

I Want …
I Am…
I Need…
I Value…
I Require…
I Believe…

Imagine getting to a place in your life where you are able to sit in silence with yourself; where you are able to have an enjoyable dining experience by yourself; where you are able to commune with nature by yourself.

Gilbert invites us to learn your way around loneliness and your feelings (both positive and negative). She suggests to make a map of it and sit with it. Welcome it. Learn to savor and nurture it. Learn to sit with yourself. Get comfortable with the silence of your mind. Disordered eating distracts us from really being present in our bodies and in our life. It keeps us from listening to our emotional needs.
May you continue on your own journey to accept yourself imperfections, flaws and all. To embrace your beauty and greatness. Just Be You! Be your Authentic Self. Stop running and be present in your life. You only get one shot.

Book Review: Women Food and God

After reading a sample chapter of Geneen Roth’s new book Women Food and God: An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything my former therapist sent to me, I immediately went to Amazon, ordered the book, paid for upgraded overnight shipping, and waited impatiently for it to arrive while going back and rereading the sample chapter (which is Chapter 4, entitled “It’s Not About the Weight, but it’s Not Not About the Weight.” Saturday morning, I poured myself a cup of coffee, went out on my patio in the chilly morning spring air, and opened up the book. As I devoured page after page, tears streamed down my face as I felt both happiness and sadness with each sentence I read and identified so deeply with: happiness to realize how far I have come in my own journey to ending years of disordered eating habits and finally reaching levels of fulfillment I never thought possible, and sadness to recognize the isolation and emptiness so many around me feel and try to numb themselves from with food.

Let me preface this review by saying I am not a religious person, and when the book was first brought to my attention, I initially dismissed it, turned off by the title. I didn’t feel that God has anything to do with my relationship with food, and, I was guilty of judging a book by its cover (or in this case, the title). So, if you are inclined to dismiss it for those reasons, don’t. The book is less about God, and more about finding a space within ourselves — a space we often fill with food, rather than exploring to its depths. Some people, when they open themselves up to that space have a name for it in God. Others might define it in broader terms like spirituality. And some might simply feel it as being one with themselves and all around them. The point of the book is to demonstrate how the relationship so many people (or more specifically in this book, women) have with food keeps us from any of those things, and more importantly how to change that relationship.

In part one, Roth addresses the “God” part of the book and how God related to dieting for her in the past. “Dieting was like praying. It was a plaintive cry to whoever was listening: I know I am fat. I know I am ugly. I know I am undisciplined, but see how hard I try. See how violently I restrict myself, deprive myself, punish myself. Sure there must be a reward for those who know how horrible they are.” She talks about how dieting gave her a purpose — perhaps much in the same way religion might for some people, and then she goes on to say “bingeing gave me relief from the relentless attempt to be someone else.”

Roth has written many books (which I am sad to say I have not yet read) on the subject of emotional eating, but a realization she says she has only recently come to is that “the radical part of the tale is not that I stopped dieting; it’s that I stopped trying to fix myself.” This reminded me of a similar realization I came to and wrote about in the article Self Acceptance vs Body Acceptance in which I proclaimed to end the urge to fix myself.

And yet, it is often hard to imagine a world in which we are not constantly trying to fix ourselves, especially our bodies. For one, it’s how women have learned to relate to each other. As Roth points out, “we fit in by hating ourselves.” I’m sure from time to time you come across that person who seems to hold that secret to happiness and balance the rest of us struggle daily to find, and isn’t there just a tad of resentment towards them? Maybe you’re just waiting to see them fall in order to prove they too  are actually imperfect humans like you, which probably explains our obsession with celebrities and the great joy many find in seeing photos of their cellulite and jelly rolls as we go through the check out line with smirks on our faces. It’s almost as if there is something wrong with someone if they don’t hate themselves — or at least some part of themselves. And yet, the ability to see their imperfections and embrace them as part of a greater whole is what makes them happy, and it’s the lack of that ability that keeps others from achieving true happiness.

It’s also hard to let go of the belief that achieving weight loss will be accompanied with the answers to all of our problems. Though on a rational level, we can understand that a number on the scale won’t change the world, “the promise of weight loss is that it will allow [us] to live on a magical piece of earth from which everything else will be manageable … If I fix myself so that I am no longer myself, then everything will be fine. My feelings will be manageable.”

In the chapter entitled “Never Underestimate the Inclination to Bolt” Roth addresses head on why we might avoid overcoming compulsive eating (or dieting). She bluntly states it when she says “compulsive eaters wouldn’t have an obsession with food if we believed that life was tolerable without it … There is madness in obsession, yes, but its value is that it drowns out the madness of life.” This sentiment is followed by the chapter that hooked me on the book: It’s Not About the Weight, but It’s Not Not About the Weight. And that’s when Roth goes on to explain the conundrum of addressing the very real problems that are created by excess weight: diabetes, joint pain, shortness of breath, and for many, a general decrease in the quality of life due to health complications, while all the while trying to unsurface the deeper issues which are being covered up by the weight problems. Here is a very poignant passage from the chapter:

“The bottom line, whether you weight 340 pounds or 150 pounds, is that when you eat when you are not hungry, you are using food as a drug, grappling with boredom, or illness or loss or grief or emptiness or loneliness or rejection. Food is only the middleman, the means to the end. Of altering your emotions. Of making yourself numb. Of creating a secondary problem when the original problem becomes too uncomfortable. Of dying slowly rather than coming to terms with your messy, magnificent and very, very short — even at a hundred years old — life. The means to these ends happens to be food, but it could be alcohol, it could be work, it could be sex, it could be cocaine. Surfing the Internet. Talking on the phone … Weight (too much or too little) is a by product. Weight is what happens when you use food to flatten your life.”

And, if you’re thinking your compulsive eating stems from a simple case of too much love for food, Roth has an answer for that too: “When you like something — love something, you take time with it you want to be present for every second of the rapture … Overeating does not lead to rapture. It leads to burping and farting and being so sick that you can’t think of anything but how full you are. That’s not love; that’s suffering.” How can you love something that makes you sick over and over again? It’s like returning to an abusive partner every time they say they are sorry, and really, they do love you, and really, it won’t happen again. But like so many women who are abused and feel that they somehow deserve the abuse — as if they brought it on themselves, compulsive eaters and dieters continue to punish themselves through their relationship with food because they don’t feel worthy of something better.

Like most other books that address emotional eating, Women Food and God is for those ready to do some serious work and reflection on their lives. Roth challenges the reader to face head on the pain and uncomfortable feelings that drive them to eat when they’re bodies are telling them not to. What she reminds the reader over and over throughout the book is that the very feelings they feel will destroy them are the same feelings that allow us — everyone of us to feel alive. If you are ready to top numbing yourself with food and dieting, start feeling alive, this beautiful written, incredibly powerful book is for you.

Self Acceptance vs Body Acceptance

I use the phrase “self acceptance” a lot. I believe very strongly in the power of self acceptance, and am devoted to helping others find a place of self acceptance. On my own journey towards body acceptance, I came to use the term self acceptance interchangeably with body acceptance, not differentiating between the two phrases. But in a recent conversation with my Life Coach Andrea Owen, I realized the body acceptance is only part of self acceptance, and reaching one doesn’t neccessarily equate to achieving the other.

Through several years of active work with the help of a mental health professional, I have overcome my eating disorder, and have begun a love affair with my body — something I never thought possible without first losing a lot of weight and reaching some kind of societal ideal. And when I realized I had reached this moment, I celebrated this monumental achievement by claiming self acceptance for myself at last.

And then I sort of clapped my hands together with the sense of satisfaction that comes from fixing something that is broken, metaphorically said to myself “Ok, so what’s next?” and went on to start working on fixing the other areas of myself that I saw as broken. Aside from my relationship with food and my body, the qualities about myself that I saw as needing dire improvements were my organizational skills (or lack of them) and my time management skills (or again, the lack of them). Just as I was once convinced that losing weight would change everything and give me the happiness and success I so desired, I held firm to the belief that transforming my cluttered unorganized personality into a compartmentalized and structured Type A personality would help me achieve my dreams. It was at this point that I hired my Andrea, and told her of the list of things I hoped to accomplish, but felt that meeting those goals could ultimately done by focusing on the areas of organization and time management.

Throughout each conversation, I lamented the mess on my desk, the clutter in my brain (i.e. the inability to focus on any one thing at a time), and the fact that I wasted countless minutes on meaningless things like Facebook when I should be focused any of the kazillion tasks I had on my to-do list. I would harp on my childhood, blaming my upbringing which lacked any kind of structure, organization, or discipline, and dream of waving a magic wand which would transform me into the Type A personality I thought I should be. I mean, after all, what are the merits of being disorganized and not managing my time well?

And then one day, Andrea said “What if that’s just you?” She suggested, if just for a moment, setting aside my desire to be a different kind of person, and reflect on the possibility of staying the way I am. “What would happen?” she asked. “Would your husband leave you? Would your kids suffer? Would your world fall apart?” Andrea reminded me that I’ve gotten along pretty well doing things my way for 37 years, and in fact, I’ve done more than just get along. I would actually define my life as pretty successful. I have a fantastic marriage. I have terrific kids who are smart, creative, and compassionate — to name a few of their qualities, I have a web site that I’ve worked hard on for the last year, and have had several big milestones related to it. I could go on, but the point is, Andrea was right. “My” ways may not be perfect, but then, what is? And they’ve worked pretty well over time. Maybe with my disorganization comes my creativity, not bound by constraints. Perhaps with my less rigid time management tendencies comes the willingness to try new things and be spontaneous. The things that bug me about myself are inseparable from what I love about myself, so why not learn to love the whole package?

Have there been frustrations? Of course. I hate it when I can’t find something because I didn’t put it back in it’s place. Occasionally I miss a deadline of some sort. But for the most part, projects get done, bills get paid, and my house is generally not a terrible mess, though I’m sure there are plenty of Type As that would disagree. (It would help if my dog didn’t shed so much!) But then, ask any one with a Type A personality, and they will find plenty to complain about in their own nature, often wishing for a little more flexibility and spontaneity that comes with a more disorganized (for lack of a better word) mind like my own.

Of course, my realizations and new level of acceptance don’t mean that I am going to stop cleaning my house, never wear a watch, and let chaos take over — no more than learning to accept my body led to eating with abandon. But I will no longer try to be what I am not, and instead reflect on the values that come from who I already am — which I tend to think is a pretty awesome person. What have you thought you needed to change about yourself? Is it possible that the qualities you most want to change are integrally connected to what make you wonderful?

Don’t ‘Weight’ For Life to Happen

It’s an all too common excuse. “I’m too fat to …” or “When I can fit into that dress …” or “I just need to lose a little more weight …” before I try rock climbing … before I ask the cute guy down the hall out for a drink … before I run a marathon. But really, what are you waiting for? Sure, having excess weight can make a new exercise program or other physical activity a little harder. And yes, there are superficial men out there who don’t want to date any woman above a size 2. But you also have to ask yourself, if you are putting everything off because of your weight, whether it’s a few extra pounds or you have a lot to lose, what experiences in life are you depriving yourself of? Is your weight stopping you because you really just can’t do what it is you want to do? Or are you hiding behind your weight as an excuse to try something new because, let’s face it, trying new things can be scary — and the potential failure is even scarier.

What if you really can go rock climbing, or that guy really does have his eye on you, but is too shy to ask you out, or you really can run a marathon. What if you can do all those things, but never tried them, and instead spend a lifetime wishing you could do them and only having regrets for not allowing yourself to go for it, with or without the weight. Today is the day to stop letting your weight weigh you down.

Maria’s zest for life comes out almost immediately when you meet her. She’s friendly, talkative and always cheerful, greeting you with a smile. While she doesn’t typically spend her free time outdoors, there is one outdoor activity she truly has recently found a passion for: SCUBA diving. When I think of SCUBA divers, I think of tight bodies fitting into tight wet suits. I myself tried it a few years ago, and was extremely self conscious of donning a body hugging suit and diving with other, more trim divers. I thought I was pushing the envelope with my weight which was — as is now — in the high range of ‘normal’. Maria is beyond the ‘normal’ range and by all medical definitions is overweight. But that didn’t stop her — it never crossed Maria’s mind not to pursue the hobby.

Karen is a fit and active 40-something mother of three. Though her favorite activity is roller blading — a past-time in which she participates at every opportunity, she walks daily either on the treadmill or, on nice days, outside, and until she broke her wrist last year, she enjoyed rock climbing. All this in addition to raising three teenage boys! Like Maria, Karen loves new adventures and never thinks about not doing something because she is overweight. Karen lives by the quote “Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath.”

If you are looking for further inspiration to go for it (whatever ‘it’ may be), just check out the Athena division of any triathlon. A triathlon is something only a relatively small number of people aspire to do. And typically, we don’t imagine someone who falls into the category of overweight, or even obese doing any of the sports by themselves, let alone all together in one grueling event. While the Athena division is for women over 150 pounds, you will often find women over 200 pounds competing right along side everyone else. Contrary to public opinion, being overweight — ok, let’s just say it — FAT does not always mean being out of shape, and it certainly doesn’t mean you shouldn’t enjoy life to the fullest, trying new things regardless of your size.

To My Body, the Vessel of My Soul

by Anonymous

I offer you this apology for the many times I have treated you badly.
For not giving you rest when you were tired
For not feeding you when you were hungry
For overfeeding you when you weren’t
For putting you in danger with smoking and too much weight

For comparing you incessantly to other bodies and usually deciding that you came up short
For the harsh words, thoughts and scrutiny over qualities about you that I deemed as less than
For falling victim to others’ definitions of beauty and not defending my own
For my disappointment when you didn’t do things fast enough or strong enough
For placing you on a pedestal with lavish praise so fleetingly that it must have felt like you were the victim of emotional abuse – which I suppose you were

But the truth is this
You are strong in so many ways
You’ve got an immunity of steel and can heal yourself so quickly
You can carry your weight in grocery bags and a two-year old for hours with your strong left arm
You can hear a child crying in the middle of the night and drag yourself out of sleep to comfort him
You can run for a long time and cover a lot of distance

And you are beautiful
With your Easter hair and cat green eyes
With your sexy Morgan nose and breasts so perfect their authenticity has been questioned
Your ears and nose and eyebrows are fine featured and delicate
You have strong muscular legs

And you work – you work extraordinarily well with very little complaining. And so I apologize and I praise and I thank you. You are a gift from God – made perfectly in his eyes – who am I to criticize the works of his hand?

Finish the Race

By C. Reed Weber

When she was a year old, Aimee Mullins, born missing fibula in both legs, underwent a double amputation and was fitted with a set of prosthesis limbs. She learned to walk with her prosthesis and began playing competitive sports early and aggressively.

While attending college, a track coach encouraged Aimee to join the Georgetown University Women’s Track Team and to compete not as a ‘disabled runner’ but as an individual. During Aimee’s first major competition one of her sprinting legs came loose. She was mortified and, fearing failure, tried to drop out of her next race.

She begged her coach not to make her compete: “Please, don’t make me do this. I can’t do this in front of all those people. My legs will come off!”

He replied: “So what if your legs falls off? You pick it up, you put the damn thing back on, and finish the race!”

Real life is not about winning or losing. You can never be a failure as long as you are giving it your best.

Pick up your leg. Finish the race.

C.Reed Weber has been writing since she first discovered an unguarded pencil and continues today as a freelance journalist and grant writer. Living Beyond the Worst has been adapted from Happy Thoughts, a collection of email columns she wrote for friends and family during 2008-2009. Weber is currently working on developing Happy Thoughts into a book. You can purchase mini-volumes of Happy Thoughts from her Etsy site.

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