Visualize Winning

The Winter Olympics are over, but in their wake we are left with innumerable things upon which to reflect. We saw people who are dedicated and unwavering in their commitment to achieving their dreams of doing their best and winning the gold. Often, they seem worlds apart from us, having gifts that perhaps some of dream of having or, more likely, quietly accept that we never will. But in addition to strength and dedication, it is an Olympian’s ability to visualize themselves winning that gives them an edge. What really drove this home for me was watching the women’s snowboarding event.

I have no doubt that each Olympian athlete has their own ritual for visualizing their success. But while watching the women’s snowboarding, I noticed that more often than not, the competitors would leave the gate slowly, slide down the hill, and then pause before entering the half pipe. At first I wondered why they were stopping, since not every woman did it. But then I realized as the camera zoomed in on them that they were taking in the course, visualizing their moves, their tricks — catching air, grabbing the board, doing turns and every other move that makes these hot dog women something worthy of sheer awe in my opinion. Then, after a few moments, we would see in action what these women already knew they would achieve. Of course, not every one did achieve it. Some fell. Some fell more than once. But they all got back up, and went on.

How often do you visualize yourself achieving your goals? Do you set goals only to find yourself failing before you feel like you’ve really even begun? Maybe you decided you wanted to eat healthier, or start exercising, or read more, or change careers, and then, you sat back and waited for the change to come. Sometimes it seems as though making a change is as simple as making the decision to do so, but nothing could be further from the truth. Do you think Olympic athletes woke up one day, decided to compete, and then headed off to Vancouver with their skiis, mittens and snowcap, waiting to bow down and have a medal placed around their neck? Certainly not.

It is time for you to start visualizing the person you want to become. This is in no way a suggestion to reject who you currently are — in fact, you need to embrace who you are before you can bring the changes that will truly benefit your mind, body, and spirit. But when you set goals that can lead to greater fulfillment in life — and please be honest with yourself as to what actually will do that (hint: it’s not looking like a model) — you need to create a roadmap for achieving those goals, and visualizing the outcome is part of that process. And of course, you don’t just stop there. You need to see yourself taking the interim steps and accomplishing the smaller milestones that will help you reach your larger goals.

So how exactly does this translate to achieving your own Olympic gold? If your goal is to eat healthier, visualize yourself looking and feeling better, but also see yourself at a meal, in the store, going to a restaurant, and making better choices — not for the sake of losing weight, but for the sake of taking care of your body and loving it.

If your goal is to exercise more, visualize yourself at your end goal where you can run around with your kids, climb the stairs without getting winded, or maybe even completing a race. And then picture yourself getting up in the morning to take a walk, or parking further away from the store to add a few steps to your day, or lifting weights at the gym, making your body stronger and healthier.

Or maybe you are ready to change jobs, or even careers. See yourself doing something that you love. Imagine your dream job, and then imagine yourself in it! Now, what do you have to do to get there? Take a class? Save money? Take out a loan? Attend networking events? Figure out what will lead you to your goals, and visualize yourself taking each step to get there.

Not every Olympian who visualized themselves walking away with a gold medal did so. But I’d be willing to bet that very few — if any — did win the gold without first seeing themselves doing so. Figure out what your dreams are, and see yourself accomplishing them. It’s the first step to living a life you love and deserve.

Loving Your Body Vs. Making Peace With It

by Andrea Owen

I talk a lot about loving your body. I’ve had my own body image struggles and have tried hard to heal them. I think I’ve come a tremendous way and it’s become my mission to help others. However, I’ve come to the realization that as I spew “Love your bodies, girls!” it’s a much bigger journey than expected and harder than just saying “let’s do it”. I have this image of us all running through the daisy fields in our bikinis with rainbows in the background, singing about how much we love our bodies. Not likely, I know.

So how do you do it? Well, I don’t have a hard and fast answer. It’s a different journey for everyone, but I do have some steps that will help. The first thing I want to tell you is that instead of thinking you need to love your body, first try to make peace with it. Some women really hate their bodies. They’ve grown up hating the way they look, have trouble looking at themselves naked in front of the mirror and have a hard time being intimate with their partners. If these are some feelings you have, starting out by making peace with your body may be what you need to make the first step to be free from body loathing. These steps are small, and the bigger picture is just that, much bigger, but here are some simple things to get you started.

First off, and this may sound crazy, but start off by admitting how you feel about your body. We live in a world where it has become so normal to hate our bodies, we have become accustomed to it and are not feeling the feelings and emotions that go along with it. If it means having to strip down naked and look at yourself in front of the mirror, go ahead and do it. Take the time to really ask yourself what you think of your body. Don’t feel like you have to lie about what you see. Be honest, even if it isn’t nice. If you’re going to make an honest effort in making peace with your body, you need to start by really understanding your own feelings which may be hiding. If you have to cry, then cry. Trust me, I’ve been there. This isn’t a time to beat yourself up or make you feel worse, just a starting off point. I encourage you to journal about this.

The next thing, which is so important (they’re all important, but this one is grand), is to stop the fat talk. Take note of how cruel (yes, cruel) you are to yourself when you talk or think about your body. You may want to do something so you have to stop and notice it. For instance, I always wear a pony tail holder around my wrist. What I do is switch it to the other wrist every time I say something negative about my body or even have a thought about it. This can even be if I am watching TV and see someone that I wish I looked like. The rubber band goes to the other wrist. You may be surprised how often you are switching it back and forth. This is to make you realize how often you beat yourself up and hopefully will slow down.

Lastly, be kind to yourself. I feel like I have come a tremendous way in regards to how I feel about my body, but I still have bad days. Instead of tumbling all the way back to where I started, I realize that I am human and I still get insecure at times, and I move on. The media isn’t often nice, advertisements aren’t nice, so remember to be nice to yourself.

Hopefully these three things will get you started. Don’t underestimate how much body loathing bleeds into other aspects of your life. Once you learn to accept and love your body for what it is, you’ll be amazed at how much it will change your life.

I’ll close with this short video. I think this 4 year old little girl sums it up best…

Andrea Owen is a life coach and speaker. She is passionate about empowering women to value their character and feel beautiful by manifesting respect and love for themselves first and foremost. She teaches women how to develop and access their 3 best selves: self-worth, self-confidence and self-esteem.

Fat Talk Free Week

My butt is too big. I could never look good in that. I can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror. I’m so fat. I hate my body.

What do all these statements have in common? They are all examples of toxic, self-hating fat talk. You may repeat these thoughts to yourself every day. You may have your own version of fat talk. You may not even realize you engage in fat talk because these conversations — with ourselves and with our friends — have become so much the norm in our culture that we don’t think twice about what we are saying.

As noted by Delta Delta Delta through their program Reflections: Body Image Program, “every day millions of women lose time, money, energy, creativity, self-esteem and emotional connectedness to their loved ones” as the result of the “endless pursuit of an unattainable, unrealistic standard of female beauty — the thin ideal.” That’s why Tri Delta created Fat Talk Free Week which starts Monday, October 19, and continues throughout the week. It is a reminder that when we participate in fat talk, we are engaging in a self-destructive, counter-productive conversation that ultimately holds us back, preventing us from achieving larger, more important goals in life. It distracts us from what is really important — being healthy, both physically and emotionally thereby allowing us to pursue a more meaningful life.

Besides, let’s face it. Force causes resistance. Has the negative self talk EVER worked in making you thinner or giving you the body you think you want? Maybe your body bashing got you to the gym for a time or gave you enough will power to cut your calorie intake until you could stand it no longer. But ultimately, no matter how strong that ugly voice is, there is another one inside you — one that may lie dormant but ultimately will fight back and say, forget you! I am fine just the way I am, and to prove it, I am going to eat that piece of cake and I’m not spending the next two hours on the stair climber to make up for it!

So starting today, let’s work on changing these conversations to ones that reflect a respect and love for our bodies.

If your inner voice says, “my arms are fat” talk back and say, “my arms are strong” or “my arms are great for hugging those I love.” When you hear “my thighs jiggle” respond with “my legs carry me through each day, taking me from one moment in life to the next.”

If you find it hard to talk positively about a specific body part when you hear the negative talk in your head, drown it out with statements like:

“My body is the only one I have, and I am going to love it no matter what.”
“When I say bad things about my body, I am not respecting myself.”
“I want to treat my body with respect, and I will not speak badly of it. Instead I will take care of it by nourishing it properly and being active.”
“I am beautiful at any size.”

If you hear you friends engaging in fat talk, stop them. But don’t just stop at saying “you’re beautiful the way you are.” Tell your friends exactly what it is about them you think is beautiful. Tell them how much you love their smile. Let them know how good they make you feel. Let’s focus on the positive.

And no need to stop with friends. When your mind drifts to negative thoughts of people you see on the streets or at the mall, thinking things like “she should not be wearing that” or “she should have gotten a salad instead of that hamburger” try finding something positive about them to take note of instead. Maybe the color of their shirt looks good on them. You might notice they have on nice earrings. Or perhaps they have great hair. The point is, negative fat talk — whether its directed towards yourself or others — hurts us all, and it’s time to stop. So take the pledge to stop the fat talk now.

And if you need more convincing, check out some startling statistics on body image: http://www.endfattalk.com/stats.html

Why Your Magazine Wants You to Fail

I don’t necessarily believe that the editors at Fitness, Self, Shape, etc. are deliberately trying to sabotage everyone’s self image. Obviously they present a picture of trying to improve it. But promoting everlasting change in the way women feel about themselves and their bodies would eventually lead to the loss of readership. After all, if we were entirely happy with ourselves, why would we buy a magazine based on making us all thinner, sexier, more tone, more beautiful, etc. You can see the contradictions on the covers and with every turn of the page.

When I saw this issue of Fitness magazine, naturally I was interested in the article about loving your body at any size. So I opened it up and looked at the table of contents for the article. They have an “On the Cover” section for quick reference to the cover stories. But there is nothing about “Love Your Body” anywhere to be found. So I go through the whole magazine page by page looking for the article, thinking I must be crazy. Finally I come across an article titled “25 body & beauty things you should stop obsessing about.” This is the article they are featuring on the cover, where Fitness “pulls back the fitting-room curtain to expose what it is about shopping that inspires and intimidates us.”

They go on to suggest we start “loving our bodies at any size — for real.” When you turn the page, you see mostly graphics, pictures and statistics about how much we don’t like our bodies. Tell me something I don’t know. But there is nothing — other than their mandate — that suggests we love our bodies, much less how to go about doing it. Certainly if it were as easy as making the decision to do so, wouldn’t we all choose to love our bodies as they are?

This is not to say there is nothing redeeming about women’s magazines. They offer a lot of good content that I can appreciate, often featuring women that serve as role models for us all and deserve recognition, and I love the recipes my magazines feature. But it’s frustrating that on one page we are being encouraged to “love our bodies” and the next 5 pages feature a woman in a bikini showing us how to “look good in a tank top” by doing these exercises. (They don’t mention the part about cutting calories.) And if that’s not bad enough, then you see ads for getting rid of belly fat by taking little pills, or enhancing your breasts with this cream or that, or get a better sex life by buying this video. If the main features of these magazines aren’t counterproductive, their advertising certainly is. Even when the ad isn’t specifically for “enhancing” our own appearance, you are still likely to see the societal ideal of a woman (most likely photoshopped into perfection) advertising everything from a kitchen stove to a vacation on a cruise. If you’re not ready to cancel your subscription quite yet, then I implore you to take everything with a grain of salt and remember that you are beautiful the way you are. Any quick fixes they suggest don’t promote lasting changes and lead to further frustrations which diminish our self esteem.

Does Your Diet Rob You of Life’s Surprises?

by Melissa Henriquez

Do you know what it’s like to have your wonderful husband fear cooking you dinner because he knows you’re so obsessed with food that if every iota isn’t measured, you’ll freak?

Sadly, I do … because that was me.

Though we usually cooked together, I was usually the one dictating what ingredients we “could” use (only fat-free cheeses in lasagna, only 96% lean beef in burgers … “nothing else!”). I “had” to be in control. (Well, my brain said so, sad but true).

And because of this (unbecoming) controlling nature, my husband feared cooking for me. How sad is that?!

It’s not like he wouldn’t have eaten those versions of foods, but the “this is all I will accept” mentality I had was tough to swallow, and caused many an argument — all because of food or, rather, control about food.

And so one night, when we were newly married and living together, he confessed that he had been wanting to surprise me by making dinner, but feared how I’d react…

Sadly, no surprise there. The truth is, back then, I probably would have freaked, however terrible that sounds now.

That should have been the sole warning I needed that it was high-time to snap out of my disordered eating world.

But as life goes, it wasn’t. Instead, it was just one example of many along the way that led me to believe, “Houston, I have a problem” last summer, when I began blogging and sought therapy.

It makes me sad now to think I’ve squandered almost three years of my life living a life without surprises, without much spontaneity when it could have been more.

Still, instead of looking back with regret, I’d prefer to look ahead, and to think of the progress I’ve made recently. Because as my relationship with food and anxiety and my body improves, so, too, do my relationships and friendships. Amazing, right?!

The truth is, I’ll probably always check out party spreads before choosing, probably always scout out menus online before going out to eat when possible … but I think that’s just being a savvy “shopper,” if you will.

I mean, it’s summer and I’m not going to turn down a BBQ or a party because there will be food there. The old me might have, but I just am not her anymore. And so I might still load my plate with salad or fruit first, but so what, if I’m enjoying everything else, too? Really, no one else cares what anyone else eats.

Food can be pleasure, and now that I’m not mutilating it, it has even more meaning to me.

(OK full disclosure: sometimes I still mutilate — like taking chocolate chips from a cookie — but that’s nothing new, and I’m NOT c/s)…

Another example of progress? I’m not “afraid” if friends suggest dessert after dinner anymore. If I didn’t personally want it, or hadn’t planned on it, I can always have a little taste and enjoy it. And if I want it, I can dig right in!

I know balance more than I think I do, more than I give myself credit for. And I’m really seeing that a life without surprises is boring and not worth living.

Surprises are fun. Sunday night, my husband and I lit our new firepit and were just sitting outside, enjoying the balmy night air. He asked if I wanted to make S’mores.

For a split second, I admit, I paused. Technically, I hadn’t “planned” on them. The old me would have politely declined.

But you know what? With his hectic work/MBA schedule how often are we outside together on a summer night?! How often are we eating S’mores by the fire?!

So I grinned, said, “Sure,” and went inside to grab the fixins’. We made S’mores and laughed and enjoyed each other’s company, and it was just wonderful.

Later that night, laying nestled in my husband’s arms on the deck as the embers faded to a dull glow, I wasn’t thinking about the unplanned S’mores, but rather how nice it felt to just “be.”

I wonder if I could have been that girl before, if she was hidden in me? Or if I needed this experience to drag her out? I’ve never been laid-back or easy-going; those adjectives have never described me. But it doesn’t mean I can’t learn to be more flexible.

I don’t want to live a life where surprises are feared anymore.

I want my friends and family to not think of me as being “weird about food.”

I want my husband to feel like he can suggest going to Chicago on a whim, where I don’t turn him down because I’d planned to work out and hadn’t yet.

(Um, yes, we dealt with that during the Christmas holiday in 2006; I’ll never forget it — he was so hurt and I realized I was being ridiculous too late. We ended up going the next weekend, but I’ll never forget that …).

And because I WANT it, I can BE it.

Life without surprises just isn’t fun, and it took me a long time to “get it” but I’m hoping for a surprise home-cooked meal soon

How about you? How do you handle surprises?

Melissa Henriquez is  PR professional living in Michigan. She shares her experiences and wisdom that has come from disordered eating and the process of overcoming it at her blog Tales of a (Recovering) Disordered Eater.

Is “Half-Assed” Always So Bad?

We live in a perfectionist society. If you aren’t a perfectionist, you probably either wish you were ,or are feeling guilty for not aiming for perfection all the time. And why wouldn’t you feel that way? We’re taught from very early on to “always try your best”. But is it ever ok to just try “enough”? I think it is.

When we were young, and our parents told us we should do our best at everything we did, there was a reason for this. How else would we learn what we were good at? Some things do take more effort than others, and if we weren’t putting in effort on more challenging things, we might not ever know what we’re capable of. But at some point that approach to life and all that it holds becomes set in stone, and there is no room for putting in any less than our best effort on everything we do without feeling the pangs of guilt.

If you’re the perfectionist, then you spend your life trying — as the label implies — to do EVERYTHING perfectly. Of course, it’s impossible to be perfect at everything, and inevitably some things — even those that rank as important — begin to suffer. And of course, with the knowledge that you aren’t doing everything perfectly, your happiness suffers too. You’re not even capable of considering doing something anything less than all the way because that’s how you’ve done things your entire life. Maybe it’s even in your genetic coding. But at some point you need to reframe your experiences. You need to understand that you are not accomplishing anything by believing that everything has to be done perfectly and requires everything you have to give, because when you do that, you have nothing left to give yourself. Decide what’s important to you, and put your utmost into that. If being a great mom is what you value most, then don’t worry so much about having a perfectly kept house. Sure, you have responsibilities you can’t just let go of — meals need to be prepared, laundry needs to be done, and cleaning must be done. But that doesn’t mean that every meal has to be a perfectly balanced gourmet meal, the clothes ALWAYS need to be neatly ironed, folded and put away, and the floors have to be clean enough to eat off of. Of course, if those things ARE really, genuinely important to you, and you don’t just think they SHOULD be important to you, then there’s nothing wrong in devoting your energy to it. But don’t waste time putting in more energy than necessary on things that you only think you should value versus what you really do value.

The same obviously holds true for those who don’t consider yourselves perfectionists, but perhaps feel guilty when you don’t put your all into everything. Maybe you feel lazy or unmotivated because you don’t keep a perfect house, when really, that’s not what’s important to you. Of course, if you share your home with another person, there has to be some compromise here, but the compromise on your part shouldn’t come with endless guilt for not putting your utmost into something you don’t value.

So going forth, I think we should all embrace a little bit more of a “half-assed” mentality. Evaluate what you are putting most of your efforts into, and what you feel guilty about not putting more effort into, and decide which things are really worth your physical and emotional energy. For those things, reserve your best efforts. For everything else, just do what you can, and sweep the rest under the rug. Most likely, no one else will ever notice, and eventually you’ll feel more fulfilled and less drained for putting your energy into people and activities that deserve what you have to give.

5 Things I Learned In My 30s

Getting older occasionally has its advantages. One thing we hope for is a little bit of wisdom here and there. I would never claim to be wise — I’ll leave that to the old bearded man sitting on top of the mountain — but I do think I’ve learned a few things in my 30s. Each piece of wisdom I have gained was there for the taking earlier in life, but perhaps because of the phase of life I was in, I was unable to see it. As my wise father always says, “It’s developmental.” But maybe if I shed a little light on a few of my own secrets, I can help a few others see things in a new light themselves.

I learned:

1. ) How to love my body, at any size.

When I was 9 months pregnant pushing 200 pounds (having gained 50 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight), my husband still couldn’t keep his hands off me. He has always found my body beautiful at my lowest weight and at my highest. So why shouldn’t I? Of course I realize it’s not as easy as saying “Oh, well he/she/they think I’m beautiful, so I must be.” Our confidence in our body must come from within and not depend on the opinions of others. And it has taken me 30-something years, and the birth of two children for me to learn what an amazing thing my body is. I respect its accomplishments both big and small, and as I grow older I want to treat my body right so that it can carry me through the future.

2.) That I love being active.
I love to run, but anything beyond that, I never had the ambition or confidence to try a sport. As a kid I always wanted to play soccer, but I did not share my wishes with my parents and so I just ignored my desires to be active, instead opting for hours of TV time. In high school, I tried out for the track team, but found it too rigorous for me at the time and consequently gave up on being active all together. After that, here and there I would try to get fit, but more out of an attempt to change my body and lose weight than for the joy of being active.

But after the birth of my first daughter, I was fortunate enough to have some time to try and figure out exactly what it was that I enjoy. I took up running again, and this time stuck with it, eventually running three half marathons to date. (A full marathon is yet to come!) I spent two years taking Karate, nine months of which were during my second pregnancy. I continued right up until a week before my second daughter was born, and even with a c-section, I was back after only 3 weeks. Karate really kept me in shape during my pregnancy and I fully believe helped to speed my recovery. Eventually I received the lowest level of black belt before I moved on to other activities.

Later, I discovered a love for biking and swimming, and eventually combined that love with my passion for running and participated in my first triathlon. I was hooked and can’t wait to do more!

The difference between my half-hearted attempts to get fit in the past, and my unfailing commitment to fitness these days is that I don’t focus on the number of calories I am burning. Instead, I am conscious of the feeling it gives me, not just in the moment (or when I am finished) but overall. I feel strong, powerful and healthy. And, if I don’t make it to the gym for a week or two because life has thrown a curve ball, I don’t have to berate myself since I am not going just for the sake of looking better.

3.) That I am not a super mom, that being a stay at home mom is not the answer to my personal fulfillment. And that’s ok.

Before I had my first daughter, I worked for a large internet company. While it was definitely fun to work there during the the hey-day of dot.com boom (no, I wasn’t one of the dot.com millionaires) I quickly realized working in the corporate environment was not my thing. I had no desire to move up in the company, and was pretty much biding my time until I had kids, at which point I knew I wanted to stay home.

But when I actually came home with my first daughter, I discovered that I wasn’t a natural after all. Between the crazy post partem hormones, sleepless nights, round-the-clock nursing and colic, I quickly felt like I was losing my mind and questioned my ability to be a full time mom. I know a lot of those feelings are normal in the beginning, but there has always been a part of me that wondered if my children would be better off in someone else’s full time care, while I went back to work. The trouble was there wasn’t any work I could think of that I’d rather be doing than taking care of my children. A conundrum indeed! So I continued to stay at home, feeling incompetent and trying to keep up with my friends and all they were doing with their own kids the same age. But as my kids have gotten older, I have begun to realize something. They’re pretty great kids. They’re polite and well mannered. They are compassionate towards others. They’re loving. They’re smart and creative. They’re all around fabulous human beings. So I’ve concluded that I must being doing something right! I may not be the mom that sits down on the floor all day and plays with my kids. But I enjoy being with them, and we find other ways to enjoy each other’s company. I may not take them to art museums, plays, and concerts. But they love music, science and drama. I still lose my patience with them. I still sometimes say ‘no’ more times than I like, but I finally realized that my strengths as a parent are not lost on them.

4.) How to dress for my body.

Once I hit puberty, I had a peripheral interest in fashion, but without some lessons on what looks good on ME, I generally failed to pull together flattering, stylish outfits. Looking back at pictures of me in late teens and early 20s, I sometimes wonder, “What was I thinking?” when I put that on. But then came Stacy & Clinton from “What Not to Wear”, a popular show on The Learning Channel. Although I had started to come into my own sense of style before then, I learned some important lessons about what kind of clothes would flatter my pear shaped figure. I learned to be more objective about clothing, and pay less attention to the size on the label than how it fit my shape.

I don’t encourage women to obsess over their appearance, or constantly worry about how they are being judged on their appearance by others. But there is something empowering about feeling good in the clothes on your body. It gives a feeling of self confidence and lifts your spirit. Have you ever tried putting on a favorite outfit that you always feel good in when you are feeling down? Just like putting on a false smile causes a chemical reaction in your body that releases good feeling hormones, looking good on the outside can seep into your inner spirit and make you feel good on the inside.

5.) If someone stops petting you, move on.
I read this one in a book, and have made it a personal philosophy. One advantage to getting older is that a lot of things you worried about when you were younger are no longer a source of stress. In our teens and 20s, we usually spend a lot of time worrying about what others think of us, and consequently trying to please them. When a fair weather friend would stop returning my calls, I would fret over what I had done. Did I say something offensive without realizing it? Did I commit some major social faux paus? Or worse, was I just not cool enough/interesting enough/smart enough/attractive enough? And then I realized, none of that mattered. If my friendship is not worth the effort to others to maintain, then THEY are not worthy of my friendship and I move on. If I offend a friend, I expect them to tell me and clear the air. If they simply hold a grudge, or I worry over what I might have done, then both parties are only bathing themselves in self defeating negative energy.

So, what have you learned as you grow older?

How to Love the Skin You’re In

by Esther Kane

I know of no other season that causes women so much angst as the summer time- that glorious time of year when it’s hot and muggy out and we’re invited to the beach/pool/lake to enjoy the good weather by donning our bathing suits (which appear to be made smaller by the year) and luxuriating in the sunshine on our beach towels.

I’m sure I’m not alone when I state that nothing makes me nuttier than when I’m expected to wear a bathing suit out in public. I transform from being a mature, worldly, educated, competent woman into an insecure neurotic obsessed being who curls into a ball and cries at the thought of wearing a one-piece- okay, maybe I’d consider a “tankini” (Goddess bless whomever invented those woman-friendly two piece getups). Why does this happen to me and to so many of us?

As a psychotherapist who specializes in helping women with food and body image, I have given this much thought and what I believe it comes down to are the following:

• Media portrayals of stick-thin women as being the only ‘normal’ and acceptable size and shape for women
• The pernicious and yet powerful diet industry that is always trying to convince us that we, too, can be thin if we just have enough willpower
• The “thinness is next to godliness” cult-like phenomenon our society has developed over the last century
• Our worship of physical fitness and health which is defined by over-exercising (often to the point of injury) and eating a pure and wholesome diet (those who transgress are often scorned in public and behind their backs)
• Competition amongst ourselves- how many times have you been praised by other women for losing weight, only to be met with disapproving looks from the same women when you gain it back?

Summer will be more enjoyable if you remember the following…

ESTHER’S TOP FIVE TIPS FOR LOVING THE SKIN YOU’RE IN

• Remember this fact: 98% of women are not built like fashion models and come in a variety of shapes and sizes and the majority of these women are not thin.
• Remember the reason you’re baring skin in the first place- to do fun and relaxing activities that you enjoy like swimming, feeling the sun on your skin, lying around reading a good book, or playing with your kids- you’re not in a fashion show.
• Remind yourself that the people around you are not obsessing about the size or shape of your body; that’s YOUR stuff- they’ve got other more important things to be thinking about.
• If you want younger generations of women to love and accept their bodies, be a role model and show them that you don’t buy into media stereotypes of how women are supposed to look.
• Eat sensibly and exercise regularly but don’t be obsessive about it- you’ll feel better about yourself and your body as a result.

Esther Kane, MSW, Registered Clinical Counsellor, is the author of the book and audio program, “It’s Not About the Food: A  Woman’s Guide To Making Peace with Food and Our Bodies” and “Dump That Chump”, and “What Your Mama Can’t or Won’t Teach You”.  Sign up for her free monthly e-zine, Women’s Community Counsellor, to uplift and inspire women at EstherKane.com.

Celebrate Your Body

Do you love your body? No, I’m not talking about looking in the mirror every day, and saying “Wow!” Not the kind of love that comes from a guy that says “hey, your body is hot!” I am talking about love on a deeper level. I am talking about the kind of love that is based on respect and trust and appreciation. If you’re saying “huh?” then maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your relationship with your body.

It seems to be that younger and younger girls are comparing their bodies to one another, noticing who is fat and who is thin, and as they progress into puberty, who has the biggest, smallest, or perkiest breasts. Just the other day, a friend was telling me that she heard a bunch of first-grade girls talking about whose mother was the thinnest and whose was the fattest. It only gets worse as they get older. As physical appearance becomes more and more of the focus of girls and adolescents, they examine, admire or criticize every feature on their own bodies and those of every girl around them. And thus they learn — through a variety of influences — to begin to judge their bodies based on what they see around them. To some extent this process is natural, particularly in adolescence.  But when we assign values to these differences, rather than just recognizing them for exactly that — differences — then it can create a poor self-body image that can last a lifetime.

Your relationship with your body may not be something you have put a lot of thought into. After all, doesn’t everyone want to change their body? It seems normal to be unhappy in the skin you are in. Do you know any woman who isn’t one of the following: on a diet, a work-out fiend, or feeling like she should be on a diet or a work-out fiend? This diet mentality our culture has created leaves us with virtually no choice but to hate our bodies and think that happiness comes in a size 2.

Someone close to me recently said, “I hear that women are A LOT more comfortable in their own skin in their 40s.  So that’s one reason I’m looking forward to my 40s.” But I believe it is possible to break free from the cycle of self loathing based on what you see in the mirror and be comfortable in your own skin NOW. It does takes work, and the motivation to want to make peace with your body, at any size, but ultimately the ability to love yourself unconditionally — and the contentment that comes with that — is worth the effort.

An important component to accepting yourself is to stop judging others by their physical attributes. When you are walking through the mall, do you notice the appearance of every woman around you? In your head do you hear things like “That woman has such thin legs.” “She has the perfect butt.” “Her stomach is so flat.” “Those breasts are so perky and round.” “She has goddess hair!”

It may seem innocent enough to make those quiet observations, but following each one, are probably thoughts like “I wish my legs were that thin.” ” I wish my butt looked that good.” “I’d be so much more attractive if my stomach were flat.” “I’d probably get a lot more attention if my breasts looked that good.” “I’ll never have hair as beautiful as hers.”

Each time you make an observation about someone else’s appearance, you might use it to degrade yourself and chip away at your own self image. You are admiring in them what you wish you had in yourself, probably because you believe you ultimately would be a happier, more fulfilled person if you looked like someone else. Conversely, if you find yourself criticizing an equal number of women for their flaws, “oh my god, look at that muffin-top”, or “wow, at least I’m not that big”, you are still judging in them what you most dislike or fear in yourself. Maybe you don’t look like them now, but you are worried that you could or will look like them some day (or maybe you did in the past), and that would make you less valuable as a person in your eyes.

To break the habit of judging other women, find something about them to admire that doesn’t have to do with their physical attributes. If it’s someone you know, you can reflect on what a good mother they are, or a talent they have for sewing, or some other craft. Maybe she has a great pair of earrings you admire. Find something positive to reflect on because the more you hear a postive voice in your head, the more you will be able to reflect positively on yourself.

And speaking of yourself, it’s time to tackle those thoughts you have when you look in the mirror. Or maybe you avoid looking in the mirror at all. But if you don’t find love for yourself, and if can’t find a way to face what you see in the mirror now, you will never have a body you can feel proud of and find the happiness you deserve. You may wonder how you can love your body, and you might even be fearful that loving your body at its current size will lead you into complacency, encouraging you to live out your life as a couch potato with no motivation to be healthy. But I would argue that part of loving your body is to strive to be healthy.

Last year, while attending a congressional hearing on eating disorders and health insurance issues pertaining to mental health, I asked the panel, “How do you balance the concept of loving and accepting your body with addressing the obesity epidemic our country faces?” The response I was given supports the idea that when you truly love your body, you naturally want to do right by it, and the decisions you make in your day-to-day life will lead you to better health. Remember, loving your body doesn’t have to mean you don’t want to change it for the better. But it does mean listening to it and treating it with respect.

When you really do respect your body — with all of its imperfections — you will be more in tune to what your body needs, and how it feels. Then suddenly, when you eat a whole pint of ice cream, instead of feeling guilty about the number of calories and fat you consumed, you are more aware simply of how it makes your body feel, and you may just realize that physically you feel pretty terrible. Just like it only takes a couple of times for you to realize how much alchohol it takes to put you past the point of comfort, it may just be that after a couple of times of listening to your body during and after a binge, you realize how awful it feels. In the past, you probably were so consumed with guilt and worry after binging, you were numb to the signals your body was sending you saying “Hey! I’ve had enough, this doeesn’t feel very good.” But by forming a better relationship with your body, you can learn to honor it. To take a line from the book Intuitive Eating, “respecting your body means taking care of your health.” They go on to add, “You don’t have to like every part of your body to respect it. In fact, you don’t have to immediately accept where your body is now to respect. Respecting your body means treating with dignity, and meeting its basic needs.”

In the same way that you can stop judging others, you can stop judging yourself. When you hear negative thoughts about yourself in your head, step in and replace them with positive thoughts. If you can, start by focusing on one body part that you do actually like. Maybe it’s your hair, maybe it’s your lips, maybe it’s your feet. It doesn’t really matter what body part it is, as long as it is one that makes you feel good when you reflect on. For some people though, even this step is difficult. Maybe there is nothing about your physical appearance that you can appreciate right now. If that’s the case, you can reflect on the functionality of certain body parts, without which you would no doubt feel lacking. If you don’t like how your legs look, reflect on their strength and how they carry you where you want to go. If you feel negatively about your arms, think of how they carry, hold, and comfort your children or other loved ones. If you hate your stomach, think about the magnifcance of the machinery inside, digesting your food and nourishing your body, because really, no matter what your body looks like, it IS a magificent piece of machinery. Not only do our bodies carry us through life, they make life!

Finding a physical activity you enjoy can you help you appreciate your body and all it can for for you. It doesn’t have to be the strenuous high-impact aerobics class you might think you need to do to burn a ton of calories. It can be something as simple as gardening, or taking walks, or riding your bike, not for the sake of repenting your eating “sins” from the night before, but for the pleasure of moving. Feel your muscles as they work for you, lifting you, propelling you forward, carrying your body through your activity. Appreciate the motions that move you.

Often times, when we feel unattractive, it’s as if we set out to prove a point by giving up on our appearance. We wear clothes that aren’t flattering and/or don’t fit. We don’t bother doing much, if anything with our hair. And make-up? Forget it! But it’s amazing how making a few changes in your clothes, hair and make-up can go a long way to transforming you and making you feel better and more attractive, without ever shedding a pound. Have you ever seen the show What Not to Wear on The Learning Channel? Time and time again they feature women with no self confidence, and a poor body image. Sure, some women are simply misguided in their fashion sense, but the vast majority of participants on the show are women that have basically just given up on the idea that they can ever look good. But if you look through their before and after galleries, you can see what an amazing difference a few changes can make. Of course, you don’t have to go on the show to find out how to dress for your shape and size. They offer some great hard-to-fit tips on their web site.

I realize not every one can go out and buy a whole new wardrobe. Still, you can re-evaluate what you do have in your closet, figure out what looks best on you, and let go of the things don’t and may never fit, especially your “goal” clothes. You know what I am talking about … clothes you are convinced will motivate you to lose weight, by looking back at you every day and telling you that you are worthless until you fit into them. At the very least, get rid of the clothes that make you feel feel like you are going to pop every time you wear them. Who needs a constant reminder that you are too big for you clothes? If you think it will serve as a reminder to control your eating, ask yourself “Has it worked so far?”. Probably not.

If it is in your budget to buy some new clothes, then do it. Stop telling yourself you don’t deserve new, attractive clothes until you lose weight. You deserve to look and feel good all the time, so stop punishing yourself. If you’ve been dying to get a new pair of jeans, get them now! And don’t get your heart set on a certain style that quite honestly might not work with your body shape. Instead find fits that are flattering on your body … the one you have now. And no excuses about how they don’t make cute, attractive clothes in your size. There is good fashion for every shape and size, it’s just sometimes a little harder to find (and a good tailor doesn’t hurt). All the major retail chains have offer a great selection of plus sizes, and Lane Bryant makes plus size fashions that can make anyone feel beautiful.

Good fitting undergarments can go a long way to boosting your self confidence too. You may be asking, “What does underwear have to do with anything, when nobody sees it?”. First of all, no one may see the bra you’re wearing, but they sure as heck can tell if it fits you properly. If you’re bulging out of your bra, or your breasts are literally weighing you down, it’s not just uncomfortable to you, it noticeable to everyone else. A good fitting bra can help your posture, and leave you feeling more comfortable in general. (For more on bras, read Taking Care of the “Girls”.) Plus, you might just get a surprising boost to your self confidence when you don a little sexy lingerie. And don’t let your size stop you from feeling sexy. There’s plenty of lingerie out there for all sizes, big and small.

Finally, if you really do need to lose weight, you need to take another look at your goals. First of all, are you trying to lose weight because there are health concerns, and it’s effecting your quality of life because every day things are much harder to do? If that’s the case, then avoid focusing on numbers, and instead try to pay attention to how your body feels as you learn to listen to it more. Instead of measuring your changes by numbers on the scale or a size on a tag, base your goals on measurements of what your body can do. Maybe going up the stairs takes your breath away, so when you can go up the stairs without becoming breathless, that’s something to celebrate! When you can play with your kids longer, chasing them around because your body feels better, that’s something to feel good about. (For more on finding other measures of success, read Do Numbers Rule Your Life?)

Maybe, in reality, your body is already at a healthy weight but because you don’t believe it meets the societal idea for thinness, you are unhappy with your body and want to lose more weight. Check in with yourself, dig dip, and try to determine why you really want to lose weight. What in your life will change when you are ten pounds lighter? Will you be happier? Maybe … temporarily, but sooner or later, you will realize that happiness doesn’t come in a size 2. Happiness comes from within. And until you love and respect your body, happiness will always be the next size down.

If you have a daughter, imagine knowing that she feels about her body, the same way you feel about yours. No matter what her size, wouldn’t you want her … wouldn’t you encourage her to feel good about herself. Wouldn’t you want your own daughter to realize her self-worth was based on more than her size, and wouldn’t you always encourage her to find ways to feel good about herself that don’t involve comparing her body to every other girl? If the thought of your own daughter beating herself up contstantly breaks your heart, then you need to imagine your inner self as a child whom has become the recipient of your contsant abuse through negative thoughts, and it’s time to stop the abuse. You love your friends, your family, your spouse or partner, your children, unconditionally, overlooking, and even embracing their imperfections. It’s time to treat your own body with the same love and respect.

Battling Inner Demons

I recently was talking to a friend who revealed to me her long-standing, on-again-off-again battle with depression when she told me she found inspiration in the Beyonce’s new song “I Am … Sasha Fierce.” She explained how she related to the idea of an alter ego in an effort to separate herself from this other person inside of her. Only in her case, this other person was her depression, rather than the strong powerful woman conjured up by the name Sasha Fierce. My friend felt a little silly telling me she has personified her depression until I explained to her this is a common technique used in treating eating disorders, when often patients will identify their disorder simply as ED. Since ED is a voice constantly putting down the person in whom he resides, it makes sense to identify him in a way that allows patients to talk to him and fight back.

For years, I identified my own inner demons simply as “food and body image issues” — an abstract summation of the struggles I faced in my daily existence. Since my behaviors were defined more as disordered eating than eating disorder, the name ED didn’t sit right with me. While I recognized the power of seeing my “issues” as an entity separate from my core being, the idea of a man named ED, living inside of me, telling me I was fat, or ugly, or a pig, was not the image I had of my inner battles. Instead, when I was asked to envision the person constantly beating me down and holding me back,  I saw someone more along the lines of Mrs. X from The Nanny Diaries — cold, calculating, selfish, manipulative, and obsessed with control. Thus, my eating issues were reborn as Mrs. X.

Mrs. X didn’t just stop at telling me how I looked or how to eat. She convinced me I was an awful mother, a terrible housewife, and mediocre at everything else. She kept me down, instilling enough fear in me that I never really tried to do much beyond what I was absolutely sure I could do, at least without someone else holding my hand. The only time she would ever allow that I was good at anything was when I could measure my sucess by a number on the scale, the tag in my clothing, or the number of calories I had burned. But of course, even then she warned me failure was always just around the corner.

I have often prided myself on the fact that I don’t let negative people bring me down. If I realize a friendship is not healthy, or that it is more of a give-take relationship with me being the primary giver, I move on. Life is too short to be influenced negatively by those around you. And yet, my whole life, I had let Mrs. X control me without realizing it. But once I learned to separate my own voice from that of Mrs. X, I also learned how to ignore what she said. Next I learned to talk back. I would write her letters and tell her that although I knew she would never completely leave me alone, I would no longer let her control my life. When I was really mad, I would tell her to “F— off!”.

It’s been a while since Mrs. X and I were formally introduced, and for the most part I have marginalized her from my life, like a grumpy relative you can’t cut off, but keep your distance from. She periodically knocks at my door, and sometimes I ignore it, and sometimes, less often, I let her in. But as I have gotten to know Mrs. X, I understand how she works, and I know how to undermine her power. I also have learned to forgive her. She came into my life for a reason, and that was to protect me — from loneliness, boredom, and feelings of rejection. Though the ends didn’t justify the means, her presence was familiar and at times, all I felt that I had.

Personifying my inner struggles was a way for me to step outside myself and take my enemy head on. I am strong enough to stand by myself and facing Mrs. X was what proved my strength once and for all. The next time you hear an inner voice telling you that you’re not good enough, thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough, etc., say “I’m sorry, but you are no longer welcome in my house, and it’s time for you to move on … and don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”

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