Self Acceptance vs Body Acceptance

I use the phrase “self acceptance” a lot. I believe very strongly in the power of self acceptance, and am devoted to helping others find a place of self acceptance. On my own journey towards body acceptance, I came to use the term self acceptance interchangeably with body acceptance, not differentiating between the two phrases. But in a recent conversation with my Life Coach Andrea Owen, I realized the body acceptance is only part of self acceptance, and reaching one doesn’t neccessarily equate to achieving the other.

Through several years of active work with the help of a mental health professional, I have overcome my eating disorder, and have begun a love affair with my body — something I never thought possible without first losing a lot of weight and reaching some kind of societal ideal. And when I realized I had reached this moment, I celebrated this monumental achievement by claiming self acceptance for myself at last.

And then I sort of clapped my hands together with the sense of satisfaction that comes from fixing something that is broken, metaphorically said to myself “Ok, so what’s next?” and went on to start working on fixing the other areas of myself that I saw as broken. Aside from my relationship with food and my body, the qualities about myself that I saw as needing dire improvements were my organizational skills (or lack of them) and my time management skills (or again, the lack of them). Just as I was once convinced that losing weight would change everything and give me the happiness and success I so desired, I held firm to the belief that transforming my cluttered unorganized personality into a compartmentalized and structured Type A personality would help me achieve my dreams. It was at this point that I hired my Andrea, and told her of the list of things I hoped to accomplish, but felt that meeting those goals could ultimately done by focusing on the areas of organization and time management.

Throughout each conversation, I lamented the mess on my desk, the clutter in my brain (i.e. the inability to focus on any one thing at a time), and the fact that I wasted countless minutes on meaningless things like Facebook when I should be focused any of the kazillion tasks I had on my to-do list. I would harp on my childhood, blaming my upbringing which lacked any kind of structure, organization, or discipline, and dream of waving a magic wand which would transform me into the Type A personality I thought I should be. I mean, after all, what are the merits of being disorganized and not managing my time well?

And then one day, Andrea said “What if that’s just you?” She suggested, if just for a moment, setting aside my desire to be a different kind of person, and reflect on the possibility of staying the way I am. “What would happen?” she asked. “Would your husband leave you? Would your kids suffer? Would your world fall apart?” Andrea reminded me that I’ve gotten along pretty well doing things my way for 37 years, and in fact, I’ve done more than just get along. I would actually define my life as pretty successful. I have a fantastic marriage. I have terrific kids who are smart, creative, and compassionate — to name a few of their qualities, I have a web site that I’ve worked hard on for the last year, and have had several big milestones related to it. I could go on, but the point is, Andrea was right. “My” ways may not be perfect, but then, what is? And they’ve worked pretty well over time. Maybe with my disorganization comes my creativity, not bound by constraints. Perhaps with my less rigid time management tendencies comes the willingness to try new things and be spontaneous. The things that bug me about myself are inseparable from what I love about myself, so why not learn to love the whole package?

Have there been frustrations? Of course. I hate it when I can’t find something because I didn’t put it back in it’s place. Occasionally I miss a deadline of some sort. But for the most part, projects get done, bills get paid, and my house is generally not a terrible mess, though I’m sure there are plenty of Type As that would disagree. (It would help if my dog didn’t shed so much!) But then, ask any one with a Type A personality, and they will find plenty to complain about in their own nature, often wishing for a little more flexibility and spontaneity that comes with a more disorganized (for lack of a better word) mind like my own.

Of course, my realizations and new level of acceptance don’t mean that I am going to stop cleaning my house, never wear a watch, and let chaos take over — no more than learning to accept my body led to eating with abandon. But I will no longer try to be what I am not, and instead reflect on the values that come from who I already am — which I tend to think is a pretty awesome person. What have you thought you needed to change about yourself? Is it possible that the qualities you most want to change are integrally connected to what make you wonderful?

Don’t ‘Weight’ For Life to Happen

It’s an all too common excuse. “I’m too fat to …” or “When I can fit into that dress …” or “I just need to lose a little more weight …” before I try rock climbing … before I ask the cute guy down the hall out for a drink … before I run a marathon. But really, what are you waiting for? Sure, having excess weight can make a new exercise program or other physical activity a little harder. And yes, there are superficial men out there who don’t want to date any woman above a size 2. But you also have to ask yourself, if you are putting everything off because of your weight, whether it’s a few extra pounds or you have a lot to lose, what experiences in life are you depriving yourself of? Is your weight stopping you because you really just can’t do what it is you want to do? Or are you hiding behind your weight as an excuse to try something new because, let’s face it, trying new things can be scary — and the potential failure is even scarier.

What if you really can go rock climbing, or that guy really does have his eye on you, but is too shy to ask you out, or you really can run a marathon. What if you can do all those things, but never tried them, and instead spend a lifetime wishing you could do them and only having regrets for not allowing yourself to go for it, with or without the weight. Today is the day to stop letting your weight weigh you down.

Maria’s zest for life comes out almost immediately when you meet her. She’s friendly, talkative and always cheerful, greeting you with a smile. While she doesn’t typically spend her free time outdoors, there is one outdoor activity she truly has recently found a passion for: SCUBA diving. When I think of SCUBA divers, I think of tight bodies fitting into tight wet suits. I myself tried it a few years ago, and was extremely self conscious of donning a body hugging suit and diving with other, more trim divers. I thought I was pushing the envelope with my weight which was — as is now — in the high range of ‘normal’. Maria is beyond the ‘normal’ range and by all medical definitions is overweight. But that didn’t stop her — it never crossed Maria’s mind not to pursue the hobby.

Karen is a fit and active 40-something mother of three. Though her favorite activity is roller blading — a past-time in which she participates at every opportunity, she walks daily either on the treadmill or, on nice days, outside, and until she broke her wrist last year, she enjoyed rock climbing. All this in addition to raising three teenage boys! Like Maria, Karen loves new adventures and never thinks about not doing something because she is overweight. Karen lives by the quote “Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath.”

If you are looking for further inspiration to go for it (whatever ‘it’ may be), just check out the Athena division of any triathlon. A triathlon is something only a relatively small number of people aspire to do. And typically, we don’t imagine someone who falls into the category of overweight, or even obese doing any of the sports by themselves, let alone all together in one grueling event. While the Athena division is for women over 150 pounds, you will often find women over 200 pounds competing right along side everyone else. Contrary to public opinion, being overweight — ok, let’s just say it — FAT does not always mean being out of shape, and it certainly doesn’t mean you shouldn’t enjoy life to the fullest, trying new things regardless of your size.

To My Body, the Vessel of My Soul

by Anonymous

I offer you this apology for the many times I have treated you badly.
For not giving you rest when you were tired
For not feeding you when you were hungry
For overfeeding you when you weren’t
For putting you in danger with smoking and too much weight

For comparing you incessantly to other bodies and usually deciding that you came up short
For the harsh words, thoughts and scrutiny over qualities about you that I deemed as less than
For falling victim to others’ definitions of beauty and not defending my own
For my disappointment when you didn’t do things fast enough or strong enough
For placing you on a pedestal with lavish praise so fleetingly that it must have felt like you were the victim of emotional abuse – which I suppose you were

But the truth is this
You are strong in so many ways
You’ve got an immunity of steel and can heal yourself so quickly
You can carry your weight in grocery bags and a two-year old for hours with your strong left arm
You can hear a child crying in the middle of the night and drag yourself out of sleep to comfort him
You can run for a long time and cover a lot of distance

And you are beautiful
With your Easter hair and cat green eyes
With your sexy Morgan nose and breasts so perfect their authenticity has been questioned
Your ears and nose and eyebrows are fine featured and delicate
You have strong muscular legs

And you work – you work extraordinarily well with very little complaining. And so I apologize and I praise and I thank you. You are a gift from God – made perfectly in his eyes – who am I to criticize the works of his hand?

Finish the Race

By C. Reed Weber

When she was a year old, Aimee Mullins, born missing fibula in both legs, underwent a double amputation and was fitted with a set of prosthesis limbs. She learned to walk with her prosthesis and began playing competitive sports early and aggressively.

While attending college, a track coach encouraged Aimee to join the Georgetown University Women’s Track Team and to compete not as a ‘disabled runner’ but as an individual. During Aimee’s first major competition one of her sprinting legs came loose. She was mortified and, fearing failure, tried to drop out of her next race.

She begged her coach not to make her compete: “Please, don’t make me do this. I can’t do this in front of all those people. My legs will come off!”

He replied: “So what if your legs falls off? You pick it up, you put the damn thing back on, and finish the race!”

Real life is not about winning or losing. You can never be a failure as long as you are giving it your best.

Pick up your leg. Finish the race.

C.Reed Weber has been writing since she first discovered an unguarded pencil and continues today as a freelance journalist and grant writer. Living Beyond the Worst has been adapted from Happy Thoughts, a collection of email columns she wrote for friends and family during 2008-2009. Weber is currently working on developing Happy Thoughts into a book. You can purchase mini-volumes of Happy Thoughts from her Etsy site.

Fear, Itself

by C.Reed Weber

We had a big thunderstorm the other day. I happened to be sitting near two women when a tremendous roll of thunder shook the windows of the shop we were in. The younger woman, mother of three young children, shivered, “I hate storms. They frighten me. I hate to be around the kids when there’s a storm, because I don’t want them to see I’m scared.”

“It’s bad for them to see you are afraid,” agreed the older woman.

I pondered this for a moment before I spoke to the younger woman, “Sometimes it isn’t about not being afraid, it’s about being afraid and having the courage to face the fear.” Both women made noises of agreement in response to my statement, but I don’t think they really understand what I was trying to say.

I was trying to convey is that it isn’t important to be unafraid. What is important is being afraid and facing the fear. Too often, adults feel they need to be fearless and when they find they cannot, they become angry at themselves. It’s okay to be afraid; no one is immune to fear, but how an individual deals with fear is part of what defines character.

In the classic Western, High Noon, Gary Cooper’s character is Marshall of a frontier town. A criminal he sent to be hanged has been pardoned and is returning on the noon train to face him. The townspeople urge the Marshall to run away. At first, he and his wife leave. But the Marshall realizes he can’t run away from the problem and returns to town. The film explores how he deals with the fear of his own mortality and how he eventually is able to face both his fear and his would-be executioner.

There seems to be a mysterious disconnect between what adults feel adults should be, and what adults are in reality. Adults are not children who have outgrown emotional responses. Children become adults when they learn to manage their emotional responses.

C.Reed Weber has been writing since she first discovered an unguarded pencil and continues today as a freelance journalist and grant writer. Living Beyond the Worst has been adapted from Happy Thoughts, a collection of email columns she wrote for friends and family during 2008-2009. Weber is currently working on developing Happy Thoughts into a book. You can purchase mini-volumes of Happy Thoughts from her Etsy site.

Courage

By C.Reed Weber

What is the bravest thing you’ve ever done? You may be thinking sky diving or hang gliding, but you might want to think in a different direction. Think about incidents in your life when you did something despite being afraid of what would happen. Maybe you spoke up in defense of someone or took responsibility for an accident. Being brave, having courage, is not about being fearless, but about understanding the consequences and still going forward.

Growing older and becoming more settled in your life can make it more difficult to break away and make changes. This is true even if the change is positive, will benefit you, and you want to.  It takes determination to make a change in your routine, but it takes courage to make a significant change in your life … courage to let go of what you’ve known and let yourself experience something new.

But things rarely change overnight. Change generally happens over time, which is a good thing for those of us who are not ready. We have time to work ourselves up to it, letting go of the old ways and transitioning into the new ways. This sort of ‘easing in’ approach requires us to have a little bit of courage each day.

There is a story about a farm boy who met with a wandering soldier who told exciting tales of  travel and bravery in battle. The boy begged the soldier “Let me join you, because I do not want to waste my life farming. I want to prove how brave I am and stand beside you in battle!” The soldier shook his head and said, “It is not brave to leave home to fight battles. Rather, it takes courage to break your back plowing and planting, and shouldering the burden of being responsible for others. To feed them and clothe them and know when you wake every morning that they will be depending on you. It takes courage to stay and be responsible.”

“Courage doesn’t always roar.  Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.”  ~Mary Anne Radmacher

C.Reed Weber has been writing since she first discovered an unguarded pencil and continues today as a freelance journalist and grant writer. Living Beyond the Worst has been adapted from Happy Thoughts, a collection of email columns she wrote for friends and family during 2008-2009. Weber is currently working on developing Happy Thoughts into a book. You can purchase mini-volumes of Happy Thoughts from her Etsy site.

No Time Like the Present

By C. Reed Weber

Our world is so saturated with the awareness of time, it is difficult to imagine life not guided by clocks, watches, and other guardians of time. We talk about personal time, down time, time off, saving time or wasting time, say time is money, and sing “If I could save time in a bottle…” We have become enslaved by a concept we created and the resulting emotional pressure can be tremendous.

It is important to remember that time is only a measure of what has passed. Calendars are more like soothsayers than you realize, because we cannot measure something that has not come into existence yet. It’s true we can plan for it, but we cannot be positive it will occur until the moment arrives. Time can only be accurately measured by looking back, not forward.

Our lives are moments that come and go like drops of water falling into a cup. Each one unique and yet the same as all the rest, much of what passes goes unnoticed and is missed only when it become irretrievable. In essence, we only have control over time when we are inside the moment — before it arrives and after it is gone, we can no longer influence the action within the moment. Therefore, each moment is an opportunity to bring about change.

Right now, as you read these words, you have the power to make change in your life. No matter what sort of action you take, this is the moment to make it happen. Planning towards a day when everything falls in place and looking back in regret at not seizing opportunities, will not make change. Change is in the now and you control the now.

C.Reed Weber has been writing since she first discovered an unguarded pencil and continues today as a freelance journalist and grant writer. Living Beyond the Worst has been adapted from Happy Thoughts, a collection of email columns she wrote for friends and family during 2008-2009. Weber is currently working on developing Happy Thoughts into a book. You can purchase mini-volumes of Happy Thoughts from her Etsy site.

Visualize Winning

The Winter Olympics are over, but in their wake we are left with innumerable things upon which to reflect. We saw people who are dedicated and unwavering in their commitment to achieving their dreams of doing their best and winning the gold. Often, they seem worlds apart from us, having gifts that perhaps some of dream of having or, more likely, quietly accept that we never will. But in addition to strength and dedication, it is an Olympian’s ability to visualize themselves winning that gives them an edge. What really drove this home for me was watching the women’s snowboarding event.

I have no doubt that each Olympian athlete has their own ritual for visualizing their success. But while watching the women’s snowboarding, I noticed that more often than not, the competitors would leave the gate slowly, slide down the hill, and then pause before entering the half pipe. At first I wondered why they were stopping, since not every woman did it. But then I realized as the camera zoomed in on them that they were taking in the course, visualizing their moves, their tricks — catching air, grabbing the board, doing turns and every other move that makes these hot dog women something worthy of sheer awe in my opinion. Then, after a few moments, we would see in action what these women already knew they would achieve. Of course, not every one did achieve it. Some fell. Some fell more than once. But they all got back up, and went on.

How often do you visualize yourself achieving your goals? Do you set goals only to find yourself failing before you feel like you’ve really even begun? Maybe you decided you wanted to eat healthier, or start exercising, or read more, or change careers, and then, you sat back and waited for the change to come. Sometimes it seems as though making a change is as simple as making the decision to do so, but nothing could be further from the truth. Do you think Olympic athletes woke up one day, decided to compete, and then headed off to Vancouver with their skiis, mittens and snowcap, waiting to bow down and have a medal placed around their neck? Certainly not.

It is time for you to start visualizing the person you want to become. This is in no way a suggestion to reject who you currently are — in fact, you need to embrace who you are before you can bring the changes that will truly benefit your mind, body, and spirit. But when you set goals that can lead to greater fulfillment in life — and please be honest with yourself as to what actually will do that (hint: it’s not looking like a model) — you need to create a roadmap for achieving those goals, and visualizing the outcome is part of that process. And of course, you don’t just stop there. You need to see yourself taking the interim steps and accomplishing the smaller milestones that will help you reach your larger goals.

So how exactly does this translate to achieving your own Olympic gold? If your goal is to eat healthier, visualize yourself looking and feeling better, but also see yourself at a meal, in the store, going to a restaurant, and making better choices — not for the sake of losing weight, but for the sake of taking care of your body and loving it.

If your goal is to exercise more, visualize yourself at your end goal where you can run around with your kids, climb the stairs without getting winded, or maybe even completing a race. And then picture yourself getting up in the morning to take a walk, or parking further away from the store to add a few steps to your day, or lifting weights at the gym, making your body stronger and healthier.

Or maybe you are ready to change jobs, or even careers. See yourself doing something that you love. Imagine your dream job, and then imagine yourself in it! Now, what do you have to do to get there? Take a class? Save money? Take out a loan? Attend networking events? Figure out what will lead you to your goals, and visualize yourself taking each step to get there.

Not every Olympian who visualized themselves walking away with a gold medal did so. But I’d be willing to bet that very few — if any — did win the gold without first seeing themselves doing so. Figure out what your dreams are, and see yourself accomplishing them. It’s the first step to living a life you love and deserve.

Loving Your Body Vs. Making Peace With It

by Andrea Owen

I talk a lot about loving your body. I’ve had my own body image struggles and have tried hard to heal them. I think I’ve come a tremendous way and it’s become my mission to help others. However, I’ve come to the realization that as I spew “Love your bodies, girls!” it’s a much bigger journey than expected and harder than just saying “let’s do it”. I have this image of us all running through the daisy fields in our bikinis with rainbows in the background, singing about how much we love our bodies. Not likely, I know.

So how do you do it? Well, I don’t have a hard and fast answer. It’s a different journey for everyone, but I do have some steps that will help. The first thing I want to tell you is that instead of thinking you need to love your body, first try to make peace with it. Some women really hate their bodies. They’ve grown up hating the way they look, have trouble looking at themselves naked in front of the mirror and have a hard time being intimate with their partners. If these are some feelings you have, starting out by making peace with your body may be what you need to make the first step to be free from body loathing. These steps are small, and the bigger picture is just that, much bigger, but here are some simple things to get you started.

First off, and this may sound crazy, but start off by admitting how you feel about your body. We live in a world where it has become so normal to hate our bodies, we have become accustomed to it and are not feeling the feelings and emotions that go along with it. If it means having to strip down naked and look at yourself in front of the mirror, go ahead and do it. Take the time to really ask yourself what you think of your body. Don’t feel like you have to lie about what you see. Be honest, even if it isn’t nice. If you’re going to make an honest effort in making peace with your body, you need to start by really understanding your own feelings which may be hiding. If you have to cry, then cry. Trust me, I’ve been there. This isn’t a time to beat yourself up or make you feel worse, just a starting off point. I encourage you to journal about this.

The next thing, which is so important (they’re all important, but this one is grand), is to stop the fat talk. Take note of how cruel (yes, cruel) you are to yourself when you talk or think about your body. You may want to do something so you have to stop and notice it. For instance, I always wear a pony tail holder around my wrist. What I do is switch it to the other wrist every time I say something negative about my body or even have a thought about it. This can even be if I am watching TV and see someone that I wish I looked like. The rubber band goes to the other wrist. You may be surprised how often you are switching it back and forth. This is to make you realize how often you beat yourself up and hopefully will slow down.

Lastly, be kind to yourself. I feel like I have come a tremendous way in regards to how I feel about my body, but I still have bad days. Instead of tumbling all the way back to where I started, I realize that I am human and I still get insecure at times, and I move on. The media isn’t often nice, advertisements aren’t nice, so remember to be nice to yourself.

Hopefully these three things will get you started. Don’t underestimate how much body loathing bleeds into other aspects of your life. Once you learn to accept and love your body for what it is, you’ll be amazed at how much it will change your life.

I’ll close with this short video. I think this 4 year old little girl sums it up best…

Andrea Owen is a life coach and speaker. She is passionate about empowering women to value their character and feel beautiful by manifesting respect and love for themselves first and foremost. She teaches women how to develop and access their 3 best selves: self-worth, self-confidence and self-esteem.

Fat Talk Free Week

My butt is too big. I could never look good in that. I can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror. I’m so fat. I hate my body.

What do all these statements have in common? They are all examples of toxic, self-hating fat talk. You may repeat these thoughts to yourself every day. You may have your own version of fat talk. You may not even realize you engage in fat talk because these conversations — with ourselves and with our friends — have become so much the norm in our culture that we don’t think twice about what we are saying.

As noted by Delta Delta Delta through their program Reflections: Body Image Program, “every day millions of women lose time, money, energy, creativity, self-esteem and emotional connectedness to their loved ones” as the result of the “endless pursuit of an unattainable, unrealistic standard of female beauty — the thin ideal.” That’s why Tri Delta created Fat Talk Free Week which starts Monday, October 19, and continues throughout the week. It is a reminder that when we participate in fat talk, we are engaging in a self-destructive, counter-productive conversation that ultimately holds us back, preventing us from achieving larger, more important goals in life. It distracts us from what is really important — being healthy, both physically and emotionally thereby allowing us to pursue a more meaningful life.

Besides, let’s face it. Force causes resistance. Has the negative self talk EVER worked in making you thinner or giving you the body you think you want? Maybe your body bashing got you to the gym for a time or gave you enough will power to cut your calorie intake until you could stand it no longer. But ultimately, no matter how strong that ugly voice is, there is another one inside you — one that may lie dormant but ultimately will fight back and say, forget you! I am fine just the way I am, and to prove it, I am going to eat that piece of cake and I’m not spending the next two hours on the stair climber to make up for it!

So starting today, let’s work on changing these conversations to ones that reflect a respect and love for our bodies.

If your inner voice says, “my arms are fat” talk back and say, “my arms are strong” or “my arms are great for hugging those I love.” When you hear “my thighs jiggle” respond with “my legs carry me through each day, taking me from one moment in life to the next.”

If you find it hard to talk positively about a specific body part when you hear the negative talk in your head, drown it out with statements like:

“My body is the only one I have, and I am going to love it no matter what.”
“When I say bad things about my body, I am not respecting myself.”
“I want to treat my body with respect, and I will not speak badly of it. Instead I will take care of it by nourishing it properly and being active.”
“I am beautiful at any size.”

If you hear you friends engaging in fat talk, stop them. But don’t just stop at saying “you’re beautiful the way you are.” Tell your friends exactly what it is about them you think is beautiful. Tell them how much you love their smile. Let them know how good they make you feel. Let’s focus on the positive.

And no need to stop with friends. When your mind drifts to negative thoughts of people you see on the streets or at the mall, thinking things like “she should not be wearing that” or “she should have gotten a salad instead of that hamburger” try finding something positive about them to take note of instead. Maybe the color of their shirt looks good on them. You might notice they have on nice earrings. Or perhaps they have great hair. The point is, negative fat talk — whether its directed towards yourself or others — hurts us all, and it’s time to stop. So take the pledge to stop the fat talk now.

And if you need more convincing, check out some startling statistics on body image: http://www.endfattalk.com/stats.html

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