Abstract

In 2010, Americans spent nearly $10.7 billion on 9.5 million cosmetic procedures (American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, 2011). Since 1997, the first year in which the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery (ASAPS) began collecting data, there has been a 155% increase in the total number of cosmetic procedures. According to a recent survey, more than half of Americans approve of cosmetic plastic surgery. As surgical and nonsurgical cosmetic procedures become normalized in our culture, changing expectations about age and beauty ideals may be altered in a way that can impact physical, cognitive, social, and emotional development throughout the life cycle. This paper explores the culture of cosmetic medicine, the social implications of its increasing popularity, and the resulting shift in ideologies that can contribute to increasing ageism and the unending quest for unachievable ideals, while also considering a cross cultural perspective and counseling implications.

Literature Review

There has been extensive research on the motivations that drive consumers of cosmetic procedures. While much of the literature focuses on college-age females, some studies have looked at the attitudes of older men and women. Regardless of age, many respondents who have either had one or more cosmetic procedures performed, or approve of cosmetic procedures, place less emphasis on the features for which they sought alterations, and more on the extraphysical benefits of doing so (Adams, 2010). In a study of motivational narratives, Adams found that the most prominent theme for the basis of opting for one or more procedures was “the notion that having surgery would have extraphysical effects, such as increased self-esteem or increased attractiveness to potential partners.” (p. 764). Adams went on to add “there was also an acute cognizance of the societal pressures to look young and attractive, and many respondents suggested that these messages, from media outlets and society in general, played a role in their decisions to have surgery.” (p. 764). The impact of media and the expectations of society are shown to have an impact in virtually every piece of literature reviewed for this paper.

In a study of the factors affecting the likelihood of having cosmetic surgery, Swami et al. found that there is a greater sociocultural pressure on women than men to attain and incorporate beauty ideals, and because these pressures are seen as normative for women, cosmetic surgery can appeal to those seeking a way to feel better about their bodies. (p. 217). Sarwer et al. had similar findings in their study of body image in its relation to the pursuit of cosmetic procedures. Their conclusion revealed that “for many individuals, cosmetic surgery appears to be an adaptive strategy to address body image dissatisfaction … thus, the pursuit of cosmetic surgery may be related to some form of psychopathology, which may be more appropriately treated by psychotherapy than cosmetic surgery.” (p. 107). Indeed, in the same study, breast augmentation patients reported more appearance related teasing, and more frequently used psychotherapy than the control group. (p. 106). In a case study by Lijtmaer (2010), a patient’s preoccupation with her outward appearance was a way to mask her intrapsychic feelings which were a result of unresolved conflicts with her mother.

It’s important to note that the pressures to move closer to an idealized image are not limited to women. Returning to the study by Adams, we see that men are opting for procedures that will make them more attractive to others in the “dating scene” (p. 759) and possibly give them more opportunities in a competitive job market where a younger generation is entering the workforce (p. 757).

Because some findings indicate the presence of a cohort effect from Baby Boomers who tend to feel that their physical age is incongruent with their mental age and are, therefore, more likely to resist aging naturally than pre-Boomers (Clarke, 2007), it is important to examine the motivations behind the largest age cohort in America. (Ferguson, 2010). In their examination of older women’s perceptions of natural and unnatural aging, Clarke and Griffin found that while women who had not had any surgical or non-surgical procedures viewed natural aging as the acceptance of the physical realities of growing older, another group who subscribed to the benefits of cosmetic procedures viewed natural aging as “unattractive, if not objectionable, as well as risky in light of the social and physical realties of growing older.” (p. 198). To this group, using medical technology to enhance or alter their appearance is a requirement of aging as later life becomes “further devalued and socially repugnant in a society underscored by ageist values and norms.” (p. 199). In a study by Slevec and Tiggemann (2010), they proposed and confirmed that aging anxiety defined as a “combined concern and anticipation of losses centered around the aging process” (Lasher, 1993), is a strong component in the decision to pursue cosmetic procedures. Aging anxiety and the pursuit of beauty are reinforced in the media and perpetrated by the cosmetic industry with books like The Wrinkle Cure (2000) by dermatologist Nicholas Perricone (as cited by Bayer, 2005) in which he refers to “wrinkled, sagging skin” as a “disease, and you can fight it”. Additionally, with the emergence of reality television programming touting the life-altering effects of cosmetic procedures while minimizing the risks involved, a normalization of participating in cosmetic enhancements has had a persuasive effect on potential patients. (Slevec, 2010).

While some people argue that age-defying and beauty-enhancing products and procedures can be liberating against the seemingly unstoppable effects of aging, Bayer proposes that such options “buttress the notion that looking old — and thus, being old — is socially, medically, and personally undesirable.” As cosmetic surgery and non-surgical procedures become more affordable in a competitive market, it is important to consider the psychological and social ramifications of body altering procedures. (Gilmartin, 2010). In her review of current literature, Gilmartin concludes that the medical system “bolsters and benefits from the larger consumer-orientated society by colluding with the beauty ideal and cultural mores.” (p. 1807). In a report on ethical challenges within the cosmetic surgery industry, Atiyeh et al. also concluded that physicians participating in the selling of cosmetic services and offering aesthetic services face inherent conflicts of interest, pointing out that it becomes “ethically suspect, breaching obligations of beneficence and honesty, when a physician trades on the status of doctor to sell a clinically unproven product (2008).” In so doing, not only is the culture at large exploited through their insecurities and poor body image, but those with psychopathologies such as eating disorders and body dysmorphic disorder are at greater risk of exacerbating their condition through procedures which by virtue of their disorder can not produce the results they seek. (p. 1804).

Discussion

The increasing popularity in cosmetic surgery and non-surgical procedures seems to take us down a slippery slope. Where does one draw the line between getting a pedicure, putting on lipstick, using Botox injections, or having abdominoplasty (tummy tuck)? By participating in a beauty culture, are we adding to our potential or entering into a vicious cycle of body dissatisfaction? According to Sarwer, some studies have revealed continued improvements in psychological functioning in the first year following cosmetic surgery. However, Sarwer also points out it is possible that “improvements may diminish, particularly if they are related to the frequency of positive feedback patients receive about their postoperative appearance.” (p. 109). More studies need to be done to research the long-term psychological impact of cosmetic surgery, particularly in a culture of medicine where many surgeons’ mantra is said to be ‘start early, do often’, (Gilmartin, 2010), a philosophy internalized by many pro-cosmetic procedure participants across numerous studies reviewed for this paper. Additionally, with 19% of cosmetic procedures performed on racial and ethnic minorities in 2010, more research needs to be done on the relationship between the work being done and its psychological impact on members of different cultures who have to mitigate the ideals from their own cultures with those of a new culture in which they desire to become a part of.

Though ideals of beauty change over time as a result of many influences, Western cultures, and in particular, white cultures seem to dominate the ethos of beauty. In Lijtmaer’s review of the literature, she found numerous studies that point to an increase in body dissatisfaction as non-white groups become acculturated into American culture. (pp. 205-207). With the current widening in socioeconomic gaps, access to cosmetic procedures could further reinforce the difference in status between the haves and have nots, which may be delineated across cultures with minority groups in lower income brackets and less access to expensive procedures.

Another concern I have is the possible pressure exerted on those who otherwise have a healthy body image and self perception. As cosmetic procedures become more accepted and affordable, we run the risk that it becomes a new standard and practice in which we are to participate if we wish to be deemed normal. Take for example the predominantly female practice of hair removal. Though women may not want to participate in the practice, in American culture, it is seen as socially unacceptable to have hair on the legs and underarms, and indeed, according to Toerien et al., “body hair is a flaw, unfit for public display”, (2005). Therefore, women practice hair removal as a necessary part of maintaining femininity, an act, which Toerien suggests serves to “reinforce the view that underpins all the body-changing procedures, from make-up application to cosmetic surgery: that a women’s body is unacceptable if left unaltered.” (p. 400). So, although at this time, I choose not to color my hair, accepting the gray as it comes with age, there may come a time when I am competing for a job, or perhaps even a mate, against peers who participate more extensively in the beauty culture and present a younger facade which in turn may give them an advantage — an advantage that I too could obtain by making similar choices. So one can be faced with giving in to a new norm or facing the consequences of trying to stay true to oneself.

There is no denying the inherent appeal of beauty throughout animal nature. Birds have their plumage to attract a mate, flowers have bright, bold colors to attract their pollinators, male lions have large manes to intimidate their opponents. All of these attributes signify their potential ability to be successful in their environment, surviving challenges and attracting a mate to produce offspring. It could be and has been argued that humans, in this regard, are no different, at the basic level, which provides a basis for our quest for youth and beauty. If, at our core, our purpose is to pro-create, then we are likely to seek out those who reflect the ability to successfully do so. However, as humans, we have the benefit of higher thinking to take in a bigger picture when assessing the desirability of others, whether we are seeking a mate, an employee, a friend, or a nanny. What alarms me about the rising numbers of people seeking cosmetic procedures is that it places an increasing importance on outward appearance while potentially diminishing the value of what is inside. As discussed in depth by Namir (2006), when the outward body becomes the ultimate means for expression through transformation, a person risks abandoning the inside for the outside. In Namir’s interpretation of one patient’s decision to have procedures done, she chose to hide “in homogenization, looking as the world deemed attractive rather than emerging from her own aliveness, radiance, sensuality and self-expression.” (p. 218).

Counseling Considerations

The counseling considerations in relation to the booming cosmetic surgery industry are wide reaching since its impact spans all four domains of development across the stages. As children enter into adolescence and face changes in their bodies, pressure to make their bodies conform to physical ideals that may only be met through unnatural means could lead to risky behaviors such as disordered eating. At a time when identity formation is at its peak, increasing emphasis on physical appearance can lead to a devaluation on internal qualities that make up the identity. As a person continues throughout the life cycle, the pursuit of physical ideals might lead to continued disappointments as an individual tries in vain to live up to fabricated ideals that hold no basis in reality. Maintaining a focus on superficial traits can influence social relationships as a person forms personal connections with others based on externally formed values. And while the long term physical affects of plastic surgery and more recent cosmetic procedures have yet to be extensively measured, it seems impossible to escape at least some negative physical ramifications of these procedures.

Interventions

As clients evaluate their own self worth in the therapeutic setting, it is important to consider the impact of the beauty culture within which we live and work with clients to set standards for self evaluation that are less dependent on external measures while also allowing for the inevitable pressures placed on us by society to look our best on the outside regardless of how we feel on the inside. With patients who are considering or have already used cosmetic procedures to enhance their self perception, counselors should evaluate the goals the patient ultimately believes they will attain by having procedures done and work to understand the underlying psychopathologies that may be contributing to a diminished self image. Interventions could include working with a client to discover internal measures of value, focusing on past accomplishments that occurred irrespective of the client’s physical appearance, and working on goals that can continue to build on a person’s inner qualities. Also, since a focus on external appearance may be a coping mechanism for masking interpsychic conflicts (Lijtmaer, 2010), a greater understanding of unresolved issues that may have arisen even far in the past may present a relevant context for their attitudes and allow for an opportunity of resolution.

As a counselor, I would have to be cognizant of my own body image and views on cosmetic surgery. Past struggles with an eating disorder and defining my value based on physical appearance predisposes me to judgements about others in decisions they make based on their own physical appearances, particularly when they engage in surgical and non-surgical cosmetic procedures. Prior to researching this topic, I felt certain that in most cases, a patient’s body image and overall psychic well being would not benefit long term from cosmetic procedures because my assumption was they were focusing on external, easily manipulated “problems” rather than focusing on deeper issues that may present bigger challenges a patient is not ready to face. While that may be the case for some, I would need to remind myself that each person presents different experiences and therefore different responses to those experiences and some may in fact benefit from the very procedures I naturally find myself opposed to.

References

Adams, J. (2010). Motivational narratives and assessments of the body after cosmetic surgery. Qualitative Health Research 20(6), 755-767.
American Society of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, Cosmetic Surgery National Data Bank Statistics, 2010.
Atiyeh, B., Rubeiz, M., & Hayek, S. (2008). Aesthetic/cosmetic surgery and ethical challenges. Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, 32, 829-839.
Bayer, K. (2005). Cosmetic surgery and cosmetics: redefining the appearance of age. Generations, Fall 2005, 13-18.
Clarke, L.H., & Griffin, M. (2006). The body natural and the body unnatural: beauty work and aging. Journal of Aging Studies, 21, 187-201.
Ferguson, R. & Brohaugh, B. (2010). The aging of Aquarius. Journal of Consumer Marketing, 27/1, 76-81.
Gilmartin, J. (2010). Contemporary cosmetic surgery: the potential risks and relevance for practice. Journal of Clinical Nursing, 20, 1801-1809.
Lasher, K.P., & Faulkender, P.J. (1993). Measurement of aging anxiety: development of the anxiety about aging scale. International Journal of Aging & Human Development, 37, 247-259.
Lijtmaer, R. (2010). The beauty and the beast inside: the American beauty — does cosmetic surgery help? Journal of the American Academy of Psychoanalysis and Dynamic Psychiatry, 38 (2), 203-218.
Namir, S. (2006). Embodiments and disembodiments: the relation of body modifications to two psychoanalytic treatments. Psychoanalysis, Culture & Society, 11, 217-223.
Sarwer, D.B., & Crerand, C.E. (2004). Body image and cosmetic medical treatments. Body Image 1, 99-111.
Slevec, J., & Tiggemann, M. (2010). Attitudes toward cosmetic surgery in middle-aged women: body image, aging anxiety, and the media. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 34, 65-74.
Swami, V., Arteche, A., Chamorro-Premuzic, T., Furnham, A., Stieger, S., Haubner, T., & Voracek, M. (2008). Looking good: factors affecting the likelihood of having cosmetic surgery. European Journal of Plastic Surgery, 30, 211-218. DOI: 10.1007/ s00238-007-0185-z
Torien, M., Wilkonson, S., & Choi, P.Y.L. (2005). Body hair removal: the ‘mundane’ production of normative femininity. Sex Roles, 52, Nos. 5/6, 399-406. DOI: 10.1007/ s11199-005-2682-5.

Now I’m not so sure. Why should I be cautious with my optimism? Why can’t I just be optimistic outright? Yes, holding back on optimism is a way of protecting ourselves from disappointment, but by expecting less than the best from our futures are we shorting ourselves on the power of hope?

Just because I am optimistic doesn’t mean I am not being realistic. I am well qualified for the graduate program to which I have applied, and feel that I would make an excellent student within the program. But I know that there may be more well qualified people than openings in the program, and regardless of my expectations, I will be disappointed if I am not admitted into the program. Being cautious about my feelings really won’t provide much buffer against that disappointment, and the reality is, disappointment is a part of life. It’s how we learn to grow, adapt, change, and find new paths. It is not something to shield ourselves from, but instead channel into something purposeful.

How do you approach your future? Do you live your life expecting the worst to avoid being let down or do you open your hear to the endless possibilities life holds for you?

You’ll have to forgive me for the following analogy, but I’ve always had a thing for vampire stories (LONG before teams Edward and Jacob emerged!) and subsequently I’ve been immersed lately in the Sookie Stackhouse vampire series (the stories from which HBO’s True Blood were derived) by Charlaine Harris.  Though there are many variations in vampire myths in terms of their behaviors and weaknesses (garlic, crosses, sparkling in the sunlight), there is one thing all vampire stories have in common. When a person becomes a vampire, they remain as they are at the time they are turned — for eternity (or until they meet the sun). That means, if you are a handsome young man, you will forever appear to be a handsome young man. If you are a tall, buxom woman, you will forever be a tall, buxom woman. And lest you think you could get a boob reduction (if we’re talking modern vampire stories), in most lore, think again. Because of a vampires ability to heal, the likely result of any cosmetic surgery would be the eventual return to the way things were at the time the vampire was turned.

Ok, yes, I realize I’ve put way more thought into this than what might be considered healthy for a grown woman, but the whole thing got me thinking: what if you were bitten, and instead of like in the movies where all the vampires are sealed in a state of perfection for eternity (thanks to lots of HD make-up and computer enhancements), you weren’t exactly at your fighting weight when you were turned. Ok, let’s drop the euphemisms. Let’s say you were fat when the undead came along and sunk his teeth into you, bringing you over to the dark side. Imagine knowing that no matter what you did or ate (and let’s face it, drinking blood can’t really be all that calorically dense) or how much you ran at lightening speed to catch your prey, you would never, ever lose weight (ok, you might already feel that way). Would you be destined to spend an eternity feeling depressed because your body didn’t meet the ideal of one short period in history? Would you sulk around waiting for the next Rubenesque period to come along? Would you seek out Fat Vampire Support Groups?

I see a different scenario for my imaginary fat vampire. Maybe at first, you are a bit bummed about being stuck at your less-than-ideal weight until the end of days. But I think that would quickly be replaced by the incredible new abilities and opportunities you would have. Sure, immortality has its down side, but just play along with me here!

First of all, vampires have notoriously super-human strength. Imagine being able to walk down a dark alley and not being afraid of anything or anyone because whomever came along (except maybe an older, more powerful vampire), you could kick their butt! Secondly, they heal pretty quickly. Paper cut? No problem. Broken arm? So what? Severed leg? You’ll grow a new one! Third, in many vampire stories, you can fly, if not in your ‘human’ form, at least in bat form. Now I know most people aren’t crazy about bats, but hey, if you could fly from New York to LA without having to buy a plane ticket — especially with today’s prices, would you really complain too much? Fourth, you probably have some mind control over humans so you can make them do whatever you want. Hey — I’m not saying I would want — or use — that ability myself, but as long as we’re looking at the pros here, give me a little slack! And of course, even though you would be fat for eternity, cholesterol, diabetes, high blood pressure and other problems associated obesity will be a thing of the past. No more doctors giving you the tsk tsk and telling you that you’d better lose weight or else (or else you’d suck his blood!).

And then there are the opportunities! Bucket list? How about Giant Vat list? I mean, so you didn’t get to do that study abroad program in Paris that you were dying to do in college. Now you can go next year, or next decade, or next century. What’s the rush? It will still be there. Never had enough time to learn a foreign language? Now you can learn ten! What’s that hobby you’ve been meaning to take up but thought it would just be a waste of time? Knitting? Fencing? Wind-surfing? (Ok, that one you might have to forgo, since I’ve never heard of night wind-surfing). You get the idea.

What I’m trying to say here — the long confusing obscured point I’m trying to make is that if you absolutely positively had no other choice but to accept the only reality that was given to you, you would HAVE to eventually give in to it — embrace it even. So why not do it now? Why not learn to be content in the reality you are in even if it’s while trying to bring about a new reality. I’m not saying succumb to all of the things that give you grief in life, but I am asking you to consider accepting that it’s a part of your life, but only just that — one part. And it’s a part that may change — a part that you may choose to and have the power to change. Or it’s a part that might be that way forever. But dwelling on the negative things in our lives, whether it’s our body shape, the size of our breasts, or anything else that we perceive as less than, can make our short lives on this planet feel like an eternity, but more like an eternity in hell.

So take a look at your life — all of it, and reflect on what you love about it. Reflect on what you can change about it. And reflect on what will always be. And live it. All of it. With zeal.

Last weekend, I had the pleasure of attending my 20-year high school reunion. While ultimately it was a very fun (and exhausting!) weekend, I was surprised at how quickly the confident, outgoing woman I have become in more recent years hid behind that self-conscious person I was as a young adult.

Having gone to five different high schools in four years (long story that doesn’t merit telling here), I definitely felt like an outsider at each of those schools. I was not the smartest, the prettiest, the most athletic, the most artistic, the most talented, the most outgoing, or really, the most of anything. Of course, no one really is, but at a time when you feel like your very existence depends on fitting in somewhere, I felt that I came up short in any group. Though I did make a few good friends in high school, it still often felt like a solitary experience.

Yet, as my 20-year reunion approached, I was eager to present myself as someone who in her own way had found success in life — I have been happily married for nearly 15 years, I have two amazing beautiful children, I am pursuing my dream of writing while also starting my own business, and I try to play a positive role in the lives of other women.

The week before my reunion, I did the obligatory shopping for a fun outfit that says “I am a confident mature successful happy woman.” A tall order, yes, but ultimately I found an outfit with which I was satisfied. Since I have my own jewelry business, the right accessories was not a problem. Then the day of the reunion arrived, and as I was getting ready, I start having a gnawing feeling which I couldn’t immediately identify. As I stood up straight in the mirror, I started to wonder if my pants looked too tight. When I bought the outfit, I thought it was flattering, but as I stood there in front of the mirror, with only an hour before I was to leave, I wasn’t so sure. Was my top too suggestive? Instead of projecting self confidence, did it say “Hey, look at me? I want attention?” And of course I couldn’t get my hair right. Nothing I did made it obey my commands, and I felt more and more frustrated. When I was ready to go, my husband took a picture of me, and when I looked at it, it just seemed to be a picture of someone trying hard to look good, but coming up short.

I was one of the first guests to arrive at the reunion — the sign of a mom desperate to escape for a night. I knew a few people already, but as groups of people rolled in together, I started to feel like an outsider again. I opted for some liquid courage and took advantage of the open bar my ticket had paid for. But as the night went on, and I saw more people I knew, the feeling of separateness grew. It seemed somehow, even though we all went to the same high school, we had experienced completely different worlds, and I found it hard to reminisce in a world I didn’t feel as though I had participated in.

All in all, I can’t say I didn’t have fun at the event, but up until the time I left, and really even into the next morning, I couldn’t shake the feelings of insecurities. Despite those feelings however, I decided to attend a more casual meet-up that was occurring the next night. This time though, I would be armed — armed with the power of who I am. I do not mean that I am a powerful woman. I simply mean that every single day, I like who I am, where I have been, and who I have yet to become. And no single experience should or can change that.

Since I frequently go to networking events in which I have to approach people I don’t know, talk about what I do, and try to make connections, I decided to treat the reunion meet-up as a networking event. I put on my favorite “power” necklace, stocked up my purse with business cards and brochures, and headed off with the familiar self confidence I encourage others to have.

As I chatted with others (keeping my alcohol consumption to a minimum this time), I realized I have a life worth being proud of, and I have every right to project that. But when I took the pressure off myself to try and impress others with who I had become, I realized the very person I was trying to be came out much more naturally. As a result, I had a fun, relaxed night, catching up with old acquaintances and making new ones.

Coming out of the weekend, I realized that there might be no way to permanently bury old insecurities, just like one might have a scar that never fully disappears. But as time goes by, you notice them less and less. I was able to acknowledge my feelings, but after realizing that they were unfounded, I could over come them.

Have you attended a high school reunion? Or did you avoid one because you were self conscious?

Through several years of active work with the help of a mental health professional, I have overcome my eating disorder, and have begun a love affair with my body — something I never thought possible without first losing a lot of weight and reaching some kind of societal ideal. And when I realized I had reached this moment, I celebrated this monumental achievement by claiming self acceptance for myself at last.

And then I sort of clapped my hands together with the sense of satisfaction that comes from fixing something that is broken, metaphorically said to myself “Ok, so what’s next?” and went on to start working on fixing the other areas of myself that I saw as broken. Aside from my relationship with food and my body, the qualities about myself that I saw as needing dire improvements were my organizational skills (or lack of them) and my time management skills (or again, the lack of them). Just as I was once convinced that losing weight would change everything and give me the happiness and success I so desired, I held firm to the belief that transforming my cluttered unorganized personality into a compartmentalized and structured Type A personality would help me achieve my dreams. It was at this point that I hired my Andrea, and told her of the list of things I hoped to accomplish, but felt that meeting those goals could ultimately done by focusing on the areas of organization and time management.

Throughout each conversation, I lamented the mess on my desk, the clutter in my brain (i.e. the inability to focus on any one thing at a time), and the fact that I wasted countless minutes on meaningless things like Facebook when I should be focused any of the kazillion tasks I had on my to-do list. I would harp on my childhood, blaming my upbringing which lacked any kind of structure, organization, or discipline, and dream of waving a magic wand which would transform me into the Type A personality I thought I should be. I mean, after all, what are the merits of being disorganized and not managing my time well?

And then one day, Andrea said “What if that’s just you?” She suggested, if just for a moment, setting aside my desire to be a different kind of person, and reflect on the possibility of staying the way I am. “What would happen?” she asked. “Would your husband leave you? Would your kids suffer? Would your world fall apart?” Andrea reminded me that I’ve gotten along pretty well doing things my way for 37 years, and in fact, I’ve done more than just get along. I would actually define my life as pretty successful. I have a fantastic marriage. I have terrific kids who are smart, creative, and compassionate — to name a few of their qualities, I have a web site that I’ve worked hard on for the last year, and have had several big milestones related to it. I could go on, but the point is, Andrea was right. “My” ways may not be perfect, but then, what is? And they’ve worked pretty well over time. Maybe with my disorganization comes my creativity, not bound by constraints. Perhaps with my less rigid time management tendencies comes the willingness to try new things and be spontaneous. The things that bug me about myself are inseparable from what I love about myself, so why not learn to love the whole package?

Have there been frustrations? Of course. I hate it when I can’t find something because I didn’t put it back in it’s place. Occasionally I miss a deadline of some sort. But for the most part, projects get done, bills get paid, and my house is generally not a terrible mess, though I’m sure there are plenty of Type As that would disagree. (It would help if my dog didn’t shed so much!) But then, ask any one with a Type A personality, and they will find plenty to complain about in their own nature, often wishing for a little more flexibility and spontaneity that comes with a more disorganized (for lack of a better word) mind like my own.

Of course, my realizations and new level of acceptance don’t mean that I am going to stop cleaning my house, never wear a watch, and let chaos take over — no more than learning to accept my body led to eating with abandon. But I will no longer try to be what I am not, and instead reflect on the values that come from who I already am — which I tend to think is a pretty awesome person. What have you thought you needed to change about yourself? Is it possible that the qualities you most want to change are integrally connected to what make you wonderful?

What if you really can go rock climbing, or that guy really does have his eye on you, but is too shy to ask you out, or you really can run a marathon. What if you can do all those things, but never tried them, and instead spend a lifetime wishing you could do them and only having regrets for not allowing yourself to go for it, with or without the weight. Today is the day to stop letting your weight weigh you down.

Maria’s zest for life comes out almost immediately when you meet her. She’s friendly, talkative and always cheerful, greeting you with a smile. While she doesn’t typically spend her free time outdoors, there is one outdoor activity she truly has recently found a passion for: SCUBA diving. When I think of SCUBA divers, I think of tight bodies fitting into tight wet suits. I myself tried it a few years ago, and was extremely self conscious of donning a body hugging suit and diving with other, more trim divers. I thought I was pushing the envelope with my weight which was — as is now — in the high range of ‘normal’. Maria is beyond the ‘normal’ range and by all medical definitions is overweight. But that didn’t stop her — it never crossed Maria’s mind not to pursue the hobby.

Karen is a fit and active 40-something mother of three. Though her favorite activity is roller blading — a past-time in which she participates at every opportunity, she walks daily either on the treadmill or, on nice days, outside, and until she broke her wrist last year, she enjoyed rock climbing. All this in addition to raising three teenage boys! Like Maria, Karen loves new adventures and never thinks about not doing something because she is overweight. Karen lives by the quote “Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath.”

If you are looking for further inspiration to go for it (whatever ‘it’ may be), just check out the Athena division of any triathlon. A triathlon is something only a relatively small number of people aspire to do. And typically, we don’t imagine someone who falls into the category of overweight, or even obese doing any of the sports by themselves, let alone all together in one grueling event. While the Athena division is for women over 150 pounds, you will often find women over 200 pounds competing right along side everyone else. Contrary to public opinion, being overweight — ok, let’s just say it — FAT does not always mean being out of shape, and it certainly doesn’t mean you shouldn’t enjoy life to the fullest, trying new things regardless of your size.

by Anonymous

I offer you this apology for the many times I have treated you badly.
For not giving you rest when you were tired
For not feeding you when you were hungry
For overfeeding you when you weren’t
For putting you in danger with smoking and too much weight

For comparing you incessantly to other bodies and usually deciding that you came up short
For the harsh words, thoughts and scrutiny over qualities about you that I deemed as less than
For falling victim to others’ definitions of beauty and not defending my own
For my disappointment when you didn’t do things fast enough or strong enough
For placing you on a pedestal with lavish praise so fleetingly that it must have felt like you were the victim of emotional abuse – which I suppose you were

But the truth is this
You are strong in so many ways
You’ve got an immunity of steel and can heal yourself so quickly
You can carry your weight in grocery bags and a two-year old for hours with your strong left arm
You can hear a child crying in the middle of the night and drag yourself out of sleep to comfort him
You can run for a long time and cover a lot of distance

And you are beautiful
With your Easter hair and cat green eyes
With your sexy Morgan nose and breasts so perfect their authenticity has been questioned
Your ears and nose and eyebrows are fine featured and delicate
You have strong muscular legs

And you work – you work extraordinarily well with very little complaining. And so I apologize and I praise and I thank you. You are a gift from God – made perfectly in his eyes – who am I to criticize the works of his hand?

When she was a year old, Aimee Mullins, born missing fibula in both legs, underwent a double amputation and was fitted with a set of prosthesis limbs. She learned to walk with her prosthesis and began playing competitive sports early and aggressively.

While attending college, a track coach encouraged Aimee to join the Georgetown University Women’s Track Team and to compete not as a ‘disabled runner’ but as an individual. During Aimee’s first major competition one of her sprinting legs came loose. She was mortified and, fearing failure, tried to drop out of her next race.

She begged her coach not to make her compete: “Please, don’t make me do this. I can’t do this in front of all those people. My legs will come off!”

He replied: “So what if your legs falls off? You pick it up, you put the damn thing back on, and finish the race!”

Real life is not about winning or losing. You can never be a failure as long as you are giving it your best.

Pick up your leg. Finish the race.

C.Reed Weber has been writing since she first discovered an unguarded pencil and continues today as a freelance journalist and grant writer. Living Beyond the Worst has been adapted from Happy Thoughts, a collection of email columns she wrote for friends and family during 2008-2009. Weber is currently working on developing Happy Thoughts into a book. You can purchase mini-volumes of Happy Thoughts from her Etsy site.

by C.Reed Weber

We had a big thunderstorm the other day. I happened to be sitting near two women when a tremendous roll of thunder shook the windows of the shop we were in. The younger woman, mother of three young children, shivered, “I hate storms. They frighten me. I hate to be around the kids when there’s a storm, because I don’t want them to see I’m scared.”

“It’s bad for them to see you are afraid,” agreed the older woman.

I pondered this for a moment before I spoke to the younger woman, “Sometimes it isn’t about not being afraid, it’s about being afraid and having the courage to face the fear.” Both women made noises of agreement in response to my statement, but I don’t think they really understand what I was trying to say.

I was trying to convey is that it isn’t important to be unafraid. What is important is being afraid and facing the fear. Too often, adults feel they need to be fearless and when they find they cannot, they become angry at themselves. It’s okay to be afraid; no one is immune to fear, but how an individual deals with fear is part of what defines character.

In the classic Western, High Noon, Gary Cooper’s character is Marshall of a frontier town. A criminal he sent to be hanged has been pardoned and is returning on the noon train to face him. The townspeople urge the Marshall to run away. At first, he and his wife leave. But the Marshall realizes he can’t run away from the problem and returns to town. The film explores how he deals with the fear of his own mortality and how he eventually is able to face both his fear and his would-be executioner.

There seems to be a mysterious disconnect between what adults feel adults should be, and what adults are in reality. Adults are not children who have outgrown emotional responses. Children become adults when they learn to manage their emotional responses.

C.Reed Weber has been writing since she first discovered an unguarded pencil and continues today as a freelance journalist and grant writer. Living Beyond the Worst has been adapted from Happy Thoughts, a collection of email columns she wrote for friends and family during 2008-2009. Weber is currently working on developing Happy Thoughts into a book. You can purchase mini-volumes of Happy Thoughts from her Etsy site.

By C.Reed Weber

What is the bravest thing you’ve ever done? You may be thinking sky diving or hang gliding, but you might want to think in a different direction. Think about incidents in your life when you did something despite being afraid of what would happen. Maybe you spoke up in defense of someone or took responsibility for an accident. Being brave, having courage, is not about being fearless, but about understanding the consequences and still going forward.

Growing older and becoming more settled in your life can make it more difficult to break away and make changes. This is true even if the change is positive, will benefit you, and you want to.  It takes determination to make a change in your routine, but it takes courage to make a significant change in your life … courage to let go of what you’ve known and let yourself experience something new.

But things rarely change overnight. Change generally happens over time, which is a good thing for those of us who are not ready. We have time to work ourselves up to it, letting go of the old ways and transitioning into the new ways. This sort of ‘easing in’ approach requires us to have a little bit of courage each day.

There is a story about a farm boy who met with a wandering soldier who told exciting tales of  travel and bravery in battle. The boy begged the soldier “Let me join you, because I do not want to waste my life farming. I want to prove how brave I am and stand beside you in battle!” The soldier shook his head and said, “It is not brave to leave home to fight battles. Rather, it takes courage to break your back plowing and planting, and shouldering the burden of being responsible for others. To feed them and clothe them and know when you wake every morning that they will be depending on you. It takes courage to stay and be responsible.”

“Courage doesn’t always roar.  Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.”  ~Mary Anne Radmacher

C.Reed Weber has been writing since she first discovered an unguarded pencil and continues today as a freelance journalist and grant writer. Living Beyond the Worst has been adapted from Happy Thoughts, a collection of email columns she wrote for friends and family during 2008-2009. Weber is currently working on developing Happy Thoughts into a book. You can purchase mini-volumes of Happy Thoughts from her Etsy site.