Before becoming a mother, I was filled with ideas and ideals of how to be a good mother. While rationally, I might have accepted the idea that there is no such thing as the perfect mother, I never really internalized that idea. Which, when I think about it is kind of ironic, since the last thing I would ever call myself in regards to anything is a perfectionist. In fact, if Type A= Perfectionist, surely I must be a Type Z. Nevertheless, filled with knowledge, I went into this new adventure with the belief that I could provide an ideal environment for my children that fostered all of the best qualities I wished to instill in them.

Well, that all pretty much went out the window from the time my labor started and our sacred birth plan was quickly abandoned due to a series of complications — a phrase that could perhaps describe not just the birth of my children, but really motherhood in general. One by one (or sometimes in droves), every ideal I had in regards to parenting and motherhood was quickly refactored into something that made my new experience little more than survivable.

Each time I compromised on my ideals, I felt a little pang, and wondered how another step down in my near-perfect standards would impact my children. I was convinced I was ruining them every time I put on the TV, fed them McDonald’s, lost my patience and screamed at them, left them crying in their room, or chatted with another mom at the playground instead of intently watching every move my child made, lest she injure herself, because, after all, an injury can happen in the blink of an eye (Thank You National SAFE KIDS Campaign for instilling a sense of uberparanoia in me).

And then, one day, a few years ago, I looked at my kids — I mean, really looked at them, reflected on them, observed them. And I realized, actually, they’re pretty terrific kids. They’re smart. They’re kind. They’re creative. They’re well mannered and well behaved (for the most part!). They’re curious, they’re fun, they’re affectionate. They, in short, are all the things I wanted them to be and thought I had to be the perfect mom in order to achieve. But somehow they turned out that way in spite of my less than perfect parenting. And it started to sink in — I AM a good mom, there really is no such thing as ‘perfect’, and that’s a good thing. Because perfect is boring.  My kids, my life, is anything but. And I wouldn’t have it any other way because my life is perfectly imperfect.

Now, for the most part I have learned to view myself as a pretty good parent through the simple observation of the fact that my kids are actually really great people who are kind, caring, creative, smart, respectful and in general, a joy to be around. And they didn’t get this way through a sheer force of nature. Sure, some of their traits may be genetically predisposed, but I like to think that I bring out those traits.

In that vein, my friend Erin suggested I write an article about how our kids foster the best in us. It’s funny — though I have stopped most of the negative self talk when it comes to my own parenting, it shocked me when I first heard her suggestion because I never considered this possibility. And then she went on to clarify: “Our children inspire us to be our best selves, rising above our own insecurities so that we do not pass them on to our children. If we’re shy, we make ourselves be social in moms groups and play dates so our kids will have the social life we never had. If we’re naturally lazy, we invoke our inner athlete to model healthier behavior for them. If we are TV-addicts, we vow to read a new book a month. If we obsess about food and weight, we model healthy eating and food choices for our kids, etc. In so doing, we actually become the people we wish we had been all along and the parents we always wanted to be.” I couldn’t have said it better myself. (Which is why I didn’t try!)

So I reflected on the particular ways in which my kids do make me be my best. Not surprisingly, my friend’s particular examples resonated with me. As a young child, I was left to my own devices when it came to making friends. Of course, things were a lot different back then, when there weren’t waiting lists for play groups, but I led a pretty solitary childhood. When I had my own children, I was naturally inclined to enjoy the company of other mom’s anyway, but even now that my kids are older and play dates don’t include other moms, I am eager for my kids to socialize with other children and look for opportunities for them to do so outside of school.

I was also pretty lazy as a kid, preferring to spend most of my time in front of the TV, pigging out on bowls of cereal or ice cream. I didn’t play any sports or participate in any group activities. My kids on the other hand enjoy soccer, gymnastics, ice skating, swimming, riding bikes, going for long walks in the woods or just running around with no particular purpose.  And while they would gladly plop down in front the TV, they would take any of those activities over their favorite TV show any time. My children also see the commitment I have to my own physical fitness through running, swimming, biking and going to they gym. Sure, there are times that I don’t feel like doing anything myself, but for the sake of getting them moving, we just do it.

I also was not a big reader as a kid. (See above reference to TV.) Although I’m sure my parents read to me from time to time, a love of books was never fostered. But from the time my kids were infants, I read to them virtually every night at bed time, as well as other times too. Now that my older daughter is 7, she is a voracious reader that completely lives up to the title of “book worm”. My younger daughter isn’t reading on her own yet but will happily sit down to have a book read to her or even look at a book on her own.

It goes without saying that throughout my life I have obsessed with food and weight issues. Having two daughters, I am particularly conscious about what messages I send to them in regards to their own appearance and the food choices that they make. I NEVER make comments about my own body (or anyone else’s including theirs) in front of them, and in fact have worked hard to come to terms with and love my body unconditionally in an effort to lead by example. I offer my kids a healthy diet and am proud that while they enjoy their share of junk food, they also gladly eat up things like spinach, asparagus, broccoli, artichokes, and even ask for a salad from time to time. We talk about the value of foods and the concept of moderation, and encourage them to listen to their own bodies. It’s a miracle to me at times to watch them dig into a piece of cake at a birthday party, only to take a few bites and realize that they are full, and don’t want any more.

I suppose it’s natural for us to identify what it was about our own upbringing that we didn’t like and swing the pendulum in the opposite direction, but whatever the underlying motivation, my friend has pointed out to me that, while my kids do from time to time bring out the worst in me, I am a better person for having them in my life, and will always strive to be the best I can be for them and for myself.

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and take frequent opportunities to acknowledge and celebrate the fact that we have a strong, happy marriage. In fact, it’s better than ever. But it didn’t get that way by chance. While we each have a healthy sense of ‘me’ within our marriage, pursuing our own interests, and spending time with our own friends, we  also have a strong sense of ‘we’ and we make sure the needs of ‘we’ are met as much as the needs of ‘me’. With two children in elementary school, sometimes carving out time for the two of us can be hard. But it would definitely never happen if we didn’t plan for it. The surprising thing is though, just because you plan time to spend together, doesn’t mean you have to go to great lengths to make the time you have together special.

We are not big gift givers, so we typically use our anniversary as an excuse to go out for a nice meal. While our big anniversary date night is yet to come (we are celebrating this weekend at a fine French restaurant nearby), I wanted the actual day to be celebratory as well, so I bought a bottle of sparkling wine and prepared a nice meal to be served after our kids were in bed. As we enjoyed our quiet, candle-lit dinner of braided salmon (recipe compliments of The Wicked Noodle), roasted garlic and baby potatoes, and broccoli rabe, followed by chocolate souffle, it dawned me how relatively easy it was to make an ordinary evening into something extra-ordinary.

I’m not saying you should prepare gourmet, candle-lit meals every night (though really, our anniversary meal wasn’t that hard). But even something as simple as picking one night a week to eat dinner together after the kids are in bed can give you a chance to take a deep breath and spend some quality time together. If you don’t like to cook or don’t have time, make it less stressful by serving up a prepared meal, or even fast food, but take the extra step of putting the meal on nice plates, put on a little music, and relish the moment of quiet the two of you have together.

If enjoying a nice meal together still seems like too much effort (which it would have to me when my kids were infants), sometimes just being close to one another, with light physical contact can keep those connections alive. Instead of turning on the TV and flipping through the channels, try curling up together under a blanket, and reading your favorite books. You many not be talking, but your bodies are communicating.

And of course, having a night on the town going to a favorite restaurant or listening to some live music is always a great way to enjoy each other’s company. I find that just having a date night to look forward to, regardless of what our plans are, creates a fun air of anticipation. We try and schedule a night out at least once a month, and make up for the time in between by catching up after the kids are in bed. I’m definitely looking forward to our fancy French dinner!

by Becky Knight, MPH

We all know that sex is a form of exercise, burning as many as four calories a minute, and that all exercise is good for us. Similar to the effects of any good workout, when we get aroused, our blood pumps at a faster rate. That fresh supply of blood pumping through our body gives our organs a healthy dose of oxygen and rids the body of toxins and waste.

You also get a rush of endorphins after sex, aka the “runners high.” Endorphins, hormone-like chemicals akin to morphine, promote a sense of well-being and alleviate the pain of headaches and migraines, arthritis, and even PMS.

And then there is that lovely hormone oxytocin. Just before orgasm, oxytocin levels surge to five times their normal level. Oxytocin does wonderful things for us. It increases bonding, trust and generosity. It also increases our sense of empathy. It’s the same hormone that is released when a woman breast-feeds her child.

One thing that I found especially interesting is that men benefit most when they’re having regular sex, either alone or with a partner. For instance, men need 3-5 ejaculations a week in order to significantly reduce their chance of a heart attack, stroke, or prostate cancer. What some women may complain of as a “high sex drive” is maybe just his body’s way of keeping him alive!

Of course, it’s not just physical health that is improved by a good sex life. Having a good sex life reaps emotional and spiritual rewards as well. Thankfully, the more sex you have, the longer you’re likely to live — and the longer you’re able to enjoy sex!

Becky Knight, MPH, works as a Sex and Relationships Coach at Sensovi Institute, where she is also the director of Education and Programs.  To learn more about Becky visiting her web site Living Sexuality.

It was at that moment I had a flashback to an incident between me and husband when we were still dating. It had been one of “those” days and the icing on the cake was after a long day at a new job when I went to my car and discovered a parking ticket. I lost it. I cried the whole hour-long drive home. When I got there, I called my husband-then-boyfriend, still sobbing. I told him about the ticket, to which he responded: “It’s just a parking ticket.” The rage that filled within me at those words was more than I can describe, and the response I gave him before hanging up on him cannot be repeated, though let’s just say it included a word that begins with ‘F’.

After I hung up on him, he got in his car and drove over to try again to be supportive, understanding his mistake but also explaining his intentions.  He was trying to give me perspective by saying “it’s just a ticket” — reminding me that ultimately it wasn’t such a big deal. But I didn’t want perspective. I wanted him to empathize with my pain and frustration. Sure, in and of itself a parking ticket wasn’t a big deal, but for me it was the proverbial straw, and the emotional pain was as intense as if something much grander had happened.

Is this all beginning to sound a bit familiar in the context of your children? Your child stubs his toe, and his reaction is akin to his entire foot being sawed off. Or your daughter spills something on her favorite dress, and the world is about to end. As parents, we may feel like rolling our eyes and saying something like “get over it” or “it’s not a big deal”. But what we aren’t realizing is it IS a big deal to them, and by offering platitudes, we are teaching them that we don’t value their perspective on their own experiences.

“Being heard and seen is so important to our children. To be totally ourselves and fully expressed without the risk of judgment. That is one of the greatest gifts parents give to their children.” Susan Howson, a Family and Relationships Coach, and creator of Magnificent Creations. Howson went on to say, “In life, we encounter difficult situations and feelings. Being in touch with those feelings and experiencing these emotions fully, even when it feels unusual and uncomfortable to the child, is essential for a child to experience where they are at that moment. The expression and awareness of all feelings is important.”

Of course, this doesn’t mean we have to over-react ourselves to every injury or injustice our kids experience. It is important to gauge their reaction and respond accordingly. There is also a time and place for teaching more appropriate responses. Annie Zirkel , a Parenting Consultant points out that “We want resilient kids who don’t maximize pain because this strategy has been shown to increase pain.” But there is a balance to teaching kids to manage their feelings in relation to painful events, and Zirkel adds “We also want kids who do not disconnect from their genuine experiences.”

Still, sometimes it might feel as though we’re being manipulated, and it is hard to show sympathy. But Ray Fisher, a Psychotherapist at the Council for Relationships notes that “Whether the child is crying for attention or is seriously injured the child is looking for something from the parent and if the parent doesn’t attend to their child’s needs the child will either escalate their behavior or disengage from the parent. Parents should know that if either of these events occurs children learn valuable lessons about who they can count on when they need help.”  A family therapist I used to see shared similar sentiments, reminding me that one day they won’t turn to me for comfort, instead seeking it outside the home, so why not encourage them to seek comfort from us for as long as possible.

Adding to Fisher’s sentiment, Dr. Mark Sharp, a Clinical Psychologist with the Aiki Relationship Institute said, “The “buck up” mentality can do a couple of things: teach kids that their feelings are “wrong” or inaccurate and encourage them to not pay adequate attention to them, or lead some children to becoming even more dramatic in their expressions of emotion because they don’t feel like they are being heard or taken seriously.”

This might also be a good opportunity for the parent to examine her own upbringing. Understanding your reactions to a situation can enable you to better guide your child through life’s hurdles. Bette Alkazian, a Family Therapist and Parent Coach works with parents “to examine their own values and past experiences before evaluating what their child’s reaction “should” be. For example, some parents were raised with the “buck up” attitude … may cause them to have less patience than perhaps they should have for the child in a given situation. The best way to get away from old attitudes is to imagine how much the parent might have wanted to express as a child him/herself, and wasn’t allowed.” When I reflect on this in terms of my own childhood, I recall being one who never revealed any feelings. This approach wasn’t necessarily guided by my parents, but I was a very independent child and refused to rely on anyone else for comfort. Without anyone telling me to, I took the “buck up” attitude. I have had to work hard to step away from this mentality in my own parenting.

Besides, as Dr. Laura Markham of AhaParenting.com reminded me, research shows that pain is subjective. “Emotions such as fear or embarrassment always exacerbate pain. Maybe that stubbed toe didn’t seem to warrant so much fuss, but only your child knows what the pain is like for her. Kids don’t have as much ability as adults do to manage and compartmentalize their feelings, so their tears and upset may express both the emotional and the physical pain they feel in a given situation. In other words, being knocked down and struck out at home plate may seem a mild injury to us, but our child may not be able to stop crying because the tears relieve emotional disappointment and shame as well as the physical pain.” And this goes back to my parking ticket. The emotions surrounding the situation — which included the larger picture of feeling stress about new financial responsibilities, a new career, and juggling a relationship — intensified the emotional pain I was feeling. Reflecting on that moment that happened so many years ago really gave me insight on the emotions behind my childrens’ behaviors, and next time I won’t roll my eyes when they stub their toe, but instead offer hugs and kisses, and any other comfort they need.

Of course you know that none of these statements are true. But do you make an active effort in teaching the young girls in your life — daughters, sisters, nieces, students — that they can break through stereotypes and be anything they want to be? Melissa Wardy, Owner of PigtailPals did just that.

Tired of the role models girls are exposed to these days, Melissa had the idea of combining positive messages for girls with fun fashion, and Pigtail Pals was born. Playing on “girly” stereotypes, Melissa aims to redefine what ‘girly’ means by creating whimsical drawings that challenge traditional male/female roles. In her own words, “A Pigtail Pal doesn’t wish upon a star and wait for her prince to show up. A Pigtail Pal gets in her rocket ship and finds that star all on her own.”

When I asked Melissa to expand on how she came up with the idea for Pigtail Pals, she told me this:

“When I conceived the idea for this company, my daughter was a baby and I had control over everything she was exposed to. At the time, I had a desire to provide clothes that had more action and adventure for girls. Now she is in preschool, and I feel as though this hyper-sexualized world of clothes, toys and media are spiraling towards us. And she’s paying attention. That desire has now turned into a firery passion to return childhood to our girls. The concept of “7 going on 16″ is not okay with me. Most of what is on the market today is sexual, inappropriate, and harmful. We are undermining the potential of our girls by giving them toys that have overt messages of sexuality, pleasing men, and worth based on appearance. Pigtail Pals aims to do better.”

In addition to redefining ‘girly’, PigtailPals operates in a socially responsible manner, using tees that are made sweatshop, child-labor free. Pigtail Pals also chooses one charity each month to receive a portion of the profits from sales.

So help Melissa redefine what it means to be girly, and check out all of her designs at Pigtail Pals.

Whether you work full time, or stay at home full time, it goes without saying (but I’ll say it anyway) that being a mom has its challenges. The balancing act that is required of us, no matter what our situation is, takes the skill of an acrobat, the patience of Buddha, and the energy of the Tasmanian devil. As someone who has never really gotten the balancing act down, I particularly struggle with the responsibilities of motherhood, homemaking, and trying to earn a living. But during the school year, I knew I could always count on at least a few hours a day to devote to work. Now that school is out, what little balance I managed to create during the previous nine months has gone completely out the window.

I needed to enlist the help of some more experienced working moms, and I got some great advice. (Unfortunately, I didn’t read the advice immediately upon receiving it, and consequently am writing this article far later than I had intended.)

The first obvious solution for moms who work at home is summer camp. You already know there are a huge variety of camps for your kids, ranging from computer camps, acting camps, math camps, and science camps to camps that offer horseback riding, rock climbing, swimming, and more. Most camps offer half day and full day options with prices ranging from reasonable (which in our area translates to about $180 for 5 half days) to outrageous (there are no limits!). The most affordable camps tend to be offered by churches, Girl and Boy Scout Clubs, and local YMCA sites. If you can’t afford to do camps all summer long, look at your options and perhaps pick one or two weeks that would be of particular interest to your kids. If you can’t afford any camps, but still feel like you need a break for a few hours , enlist the help of a neighborhood teen. Most are eager to earn some extra spending money for the summer. My 14-year-old neighbor hosted a camp with a friend for the neighborhood kids, charging $60 per kid for 2.5 hours of organized fun for a week.

When camp is not an option, consider coordinating some vacation time with Dad, suggests Sara Bingham, founder of WeeHands Baby Sign Language and author of The Baby Signing Book. It’s a great chance for Dad to get some quality time with the kids, and it offers a break for you. Bingham also suggested sharing child care with another mom who works from home.

Regardless of how you choose to occupy your children during the summer months, maintaining a routine, and managing your time well are going to be essential to maximum productivity. Schedule time to put aside your work and spend uninterrupted quality time with your children. Rebecca Buscemi, owner of Creative Virtual Office shared her own strategies: “I try to outline some art and craft and various activities to do with the kids the weekend before the work week starts, that way I’m prepared.” However, she added, “When planning activities and games to play with your children while taking a break from work, make sure they aren’t long drawn out projects and games.” If you have to keep interuppting activities to take another call or get back to your work, your child will get frustrated and may be less likely to let you work in peace, Buscemi pointed out. She also suggested having easy activities on hand that your child can do independently, so when you get a phone call you have to take, you are ready with something to occupy your kids.

It also helps if your child has a dedicated play area with a variety of toys, games, and other activities they can enjoy by themselves. Josephine Geraci, Founder and President of My Mom Knows Best, Inc. considers converting her basement into a playroom for her children one of her best investments. She has put a lot of effort into creating a space they can call their own and in which they enjoy being. For inspiration, she tried to recreate a kindergarten class, offering a dress up area, a kitchen set, a doll house, legos, building bocks, puzzles, cars, trucks, etc. She admits it has gotten a little easier now that her children are old enough to play independently but that doesn’t mean they always play well together. Geraci has a rule that if they can’t play nicely together, she seperates them on different floors for a designated period of time.

And of course, sometimes it helps if you can put aside work for a few hours, and get out of the house with a kids. Even if you’re not near an urban center filled with large museums, you’d be surprised if you look around for some local museums what you might find. We have a small farm museum nearby that my kids can spend hours in. And don’t forget about local parks and libraries. Most offer programs and activities for kids free of charge or at a minimal cost. If you have access to a pool, that’s a great way to tire out your kids before coming home for some “quiet time” which presents another good opportunity to get some work done (provided you don’t wear yourself our too!). If you need to turn on the TV for a little break, don’t feel guilty. Sure you probably don’t want to park your kids in front of the tube all summer long, but using it for some down time for both of you won’t rot their brains!

If all else fails, and you just can’t get work done during the day, the best advice I can give is to embrace the time you have with your kids, and set aside time in the evenings to get your work done after they are in bed. If you’re not a night owl, this is easier said than done, but you will only get frustrated trying to get work done during the day if your children aren’t able to occupy themselves, and then everyone will have an unhappy summer. Before you know it, the kids will be back in school, and you”ll be wishing for those care free days of summer again!

Well, VenusVision was able to pull some strings, and believe it or not, we were able to catch up with her long enough to find out more about her. This is what we learned.

She is a gourmet chef who only uses the most nutritious, wholesome foods, serving up three balanced meals each day, plus two healthy snacks. Not only does she prepare plenty of green vegetables and colorful fruits, but she actually gets her kids to eat them, enjoy them even! McDonald’s? Chick-fil-A? Burger King? Never! No fast food for her children because she ALWAYS plans ahead. Even when others offer her kids fast food on play dates, they decline. They just don’t like it.

She is a homemaker who performs her duties with the relish of June Cleaver and the style of Martha Stewart. Floors shine, bathrooms sparkle, countertops glisten.  Laundry is always neatly folded (ironing only when necessary, let’s get real here), and put away. Never will you find a laundry basket lying around, full of clean clothes becoming more wrinkled by the minute. Toys scattered about in every room? Of course not, because she has passed her good habits on to her children, and each day they spend the pre-dinner hour happily cleaning up while singing “The Clean Up Song.” Her inspiration for decor? Pottery Barn meets Ikea with a traditional-modern fusion of furniture and decor.

She is a cruise activities director who provides enriching and/or phsycially stimulating activities for her children at all times. (This job doubles as chauffer.) Each activity must enhance intellectual and physical growth. Arts and crafts projects are a daily activity, and imaginary play is encouraged with the help of Supermom’s participation. TV is permitted for the viewing of exactly 30 minutes of educational, public television programming every Saturday morning.

She is a teacher (works hand in hand with cruise activities director). Each child learns their ABCs and how to count to 10 by the age of 1, and of course speak in complete sentences using sign language (American, not Baby Sign Language). She also locates the best schools, starting with preschool and waits in line, sometimes overnight to secure a place in said schools. She oversees homework time each day and “helps” her 6 year-old kindergardener  construct a model of the Greek Parthenon using toilet paper and paper towel tubes.

She is, of course, a bombshell who enjoys frequent mind-blowing sex with her husband. To maintain bombshell status, she regularly attends spinning, pilates, yoga, step, and strength training classes. She dresses like a millionaire but shops like Frugal Fannie, turning the heads of men and women alike everywhere she goes. As she dashes to the store, or drops the children off at pre-school, she always looks put-together, even on her way to the gym.

She volunteers for the PTA, baking cookies and organizing teacher appreciation gifts, and goes door-to-door with her children selling Girl Scout Cookies/Boy Scout Popcorn Tins/School Gift Wrap/Basketball Fundraising Discount Cards.

She provides equal attention and constantly expresses equal love and affection to each member of the family, including Jake the dog, whom she has dutifully trained, resulting in the best behaved, well mannered dog in all her suburban neighborhood.

While showering her children with love and attention she has also ensured they don’t get the idea that they are the center of the universe and become spoiled brats whom no one will invite to their kids’ birthday parties. Instead each child is worthy of praise from Miss Manners herself, peppering their vocabulary with the constant use of “please”, “thank you”, “excuse me” and “May I …?”

She is also able to maintain a social network of friends, providing support to less fortunate friends who suffer from the normal woes of motherhood. She has always read the latest New York Times Bestsellers AND Oprah’s Book Club books, meeting with two different book clubs twice a month. (She also does the New York Times crossword puzzle after reading her newspaper over morning coffee.)

She makes every effort to reduce her carbon footprint by recycling virtually every item in her home, or finding a needy recipient for unwanted goods. She buys local organic food at the Farmers Market every Saturday morning, and she drives a Prius.

Finally, Supermom is actually happy and fulfilled doing all of the above things. And why wouldn’t she be? She has an ideal life in every way possible. So by now you’re probably dying to know who Supermom really is! Ok, you caught me. She’s not real. But this is who she is in my mind. And this to whom I compared myself constantly, lamenting that I would never actually be her. For 6 or so of the 7 years I have been a mother, Supermom was my role model, my idol, my tormenter as I was always falling short of becoming her. And then, one day, I took a good look at my kids. They are bright, compassionate, curious, respectful, wonderful human beings. And I think I had something to do with that. Ok, I think I had A LOT to do with that. Maybe I didn’t do all the things I thought I should have done. But instead, I was a wonderful mother in other ways. And I am a wonderful wife. And I am a wonderful friend. (I’m even a pretty good dog owner.)

I do the best I can at the things that are important to me, and do what I can for the rest. In ending my quest for Supermom, I found a pretty super mom in myself. Up Up and away!

What do we truly have control over in this life?  The answer is simple.  We only have power over ourselves.  We have no control over the actions and ideas of others.  In that sense, we are merely passengers along for the ride.  Others must make their own life decisions.

While the idea of influencing only yourself can make you feel weak, a better way to view it is as a new source of freedom.  Knowing that you are the only vessel over which you have ultimate control should lighten your load of responsibilities.  After all, you only have a responsibility to maintain your own life and your own problems.  You can give your opinion to others.  You can recommend, advise, suggest, and advocate.  You can stress the importance of certain things and offer up stories of experience to back up your claims.  However, at the end of the day, each person is their own deliberator.

As women, we often feel the need to nurture the world.  We want to take on and solve the problems of the world; and of course we want to work out the troubles of our loved ones.  We think that if we were in the other person’s shoes we would have everything sorted out in no time.  We’re forgetting that it’s impossible to actually know what it feels like to be in that person’s shoes.  We have an entirely different life experience, and it’s ridiculous to think that we would have all of life’s answers in another body.  By assuming that we know better, we are disregarding the other person’s right to guide their own life.

It is essential that you realize that control over others isn’t real.  Control over others is an idea, a design created by you.  Your design for someone else, no matter how well intentioned, has no basis in reality.  Plus, this imaginary ideal will cause you an inordinate amount of stress.  Your stress levels will increase over something which you never had control of in the first place.  This can become a never ending merry-go-round of self-inflicted worry.  Take control worries out at their root—you.

If you think about it, trying to control someone is the same as forcing them to do what you want, but most of the time, force is not a viable option. Forcing someone to see things your way will never be as effective as explaining what you believe and helping them see your perspective. Exerting your choices and opinions on someone is more likely to cause resentment and ill will between you.  This is creating a lose-lose situation.  Let go and both of you can be winners.

Ultimately, we are all just doing the best with what we’ve been given.  Strive to be the best person that you can be rather than trying to make someone else into what we imagine is their best.  Attempting to control someone and getting upset when they don’t comply also renders us powerless.  Someone else should not be the center of your life.  You should never offer them that much control over you.  The only person that should have control over your life is you.  Grab the reigns and steer!  Let the other horses run wild.  Your horses are the ones who will carry you to where you desire to go.

Many thanks to Jean Albright for teaching me to look for the good in myself and to take control of my life!  Her guidance motivated this encouraging work, and I can never thank her enough.

Do you want to make love all the time? Every morning and night and anything in between you can fit in on the weekends? Or do you prefer making love 1-2 times a week, building your way up to it, and then knowing that by the time you and your partner make love again, it’s going to be deeply anticipated and treasured? Or, are you just over all that — someone for whom sex, most of the time, just doesn’t feel very necessary or exciting?

Welcome to the world of your sex drive.
In preparing to write this post, I spent some time cruising the web, as well as reading my favorite sexologists, like Susie Bright and Pepper Schwartz. I discovered there are two ways to think about sex, pretty much, but two ways stand out most. The first view is that sex is something a wife gives her husband and they have to negotiate a satisfactory rate of delivery of the goods, a viewpoint very common in sex self-help forums at sites like Men’s Health. The second view is that sex is a form of health and pleasure, and if you’re not enjoying yourself in a meaningful way, hey, something is the matter (translation: the world owes you some orgasms, damn it, so make sure you get what’s coming to you.)
The first view leads to normal sexual activity being whatever makes you and your partner happy. In this scenario, if both people have “low” sex drives and want to make love 1X a week or less, that’s totally normal (and if you have small kids, it might be amazing to make it that often!). In this world, at 36 my friend Lucinda made love with her new 40 yr-old boyfriend 2X a day and was dying to share news on every yummy minute; at 47, she and same boyfriend, now 51 yr-old husband, made love less that once a month and since he didn’t complain or press her (and their relationship was great in all other ways), she thought it was completely normal (and was thrilled to skip sex, which hadn’t interested her that much as she got older and the relationship became more familiar.)

The second view, however, is more of a “are you living up to your orgasmic potential?” perspective. This is the world view where even if the status quo feels okay, it’s worth checking out if you could feel a whole lot better.

This is the world where my 57-year-old friend Marsha who felt her libido had flat-lined, went to the doctor who started her on testosterone, and then fell back in love with sex. In other words, this is the view where normal is what you make it.

In my own life (sorry, son, I’m going to get personal now), I’ve lived in both camps. As a young nursing mom, exhausted and stressed, the whole idea of a normal sex life seemed like a joke because I rarely felt normal (or relaxed). Later, as the married mom of a teen, normal was whatever my husband and I agreed felt right, with interest and availability both completely tied to how much time we could carve out from everything else. (And that was telling, wasn’t it, that making time for sex was not in our top priorities?)

At each of these moments, I felt “normal” but my so-called sexual desire went up and down, and of course when there were issues, like we weren’t getting along, or I felt depressed, or my self-esteem was hurting, it went way, way down.

But then there was the period after I got divorced (the big watershed moment) when I thought about my single state, thought about sex and decided the whole truth about your sexual desire is in your head.

Or, to put it another way, I realized I had a button in my head labeled sexual desire that I could now reset.

Even though I had no clue who my future partners might be, I knew a) there were going to be some and b) I wanted sex to be both meaningful and fun, and ideally, more than once in a great while. And I also knew that I only wanted to date people where there was a strong attraction from the beginning, people whom, as my sweetie “C” might say, are “yummy.”

So while my sexual life feels normal, it’s definitely different than it was 10 years ago, when my son was still a boy, and even then it was 5 years ago, coming out of a divorce-and I have no doubt, as life and health continue to evolve, my so-called normal sex life will also shift, again and again.

And yet, it’s all about the joy we have, isn’t it? The intimacy and the pleasure and the connection that sex brings? The release of tension, the energy connection, the passion? After all, what’s normal is putting your sexual desire to work in the pursuit of these things, not the absolute number of how often you do it.

So BlogHers – How has your understanding about your sexual desire evolved over the years? What do you do to keep things juicy, both in your brain and in your, ah, bed?

This post was originally published on BlogHer and reprinted with permission by Susan Mernit.