Pregnancy and Body Image

By Andrea Owen

“By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.” ~Phyllis Diller

Woah, mama!

I’ve been thinking about writing this post for some time now and there is no time like the present because I am now 27 weeks (about 6.5 months) pregnant. This is my second baby and this time it’s a girl!

First off, I think there is some shame involved in complaining about our bodies when we are pregnant. I remember before I had experienced pregnancy, myself and a girlfriend were standing in line next to two women who looked like they were in their mid-20’s and who were both pregnant in what looked like their last trimester. I made the comment that they looked so cute (which they did) and one of them scrunched up her face and said, “Yeah, it’s cute when it’s on somebody else. But when you’re the one feeling like a roly-poly, it’s not so cute”. I didn’t get it. I mean, how could you feel so “roly-poly” when you’re experiencing something so beautiful?

Then I got pregnant and ate my words along with an entire bag of Milano double chocolate cookies.

Nothing can prepare you for the rapid changes that happen to your body during pregnancy. Everything from the expanding belly, to stretch marks for some, breast changes (that includes nipple color), veins showing, and for many, extra fat on the hips, thighs and butt.

When I was first pregnant with my son, my mom bought me my first pair of maternity jeans. I turned them around and held up the butt. “These ARE HUGE!” I told her, and informed her and my sister that I would just wear my regular jeans with one of those belly band things and wear them unzipped. My mom and sister exchanged glances. Mom said, “Honey, they might not fit in other places besides your belly.” BLASPHEMY! How dare she spew such nonsense! Several months later I wore the “huge” maternity jeans almost every day.
But in all seriousness, for many women, these changes that we have mostly no control over can be overwhelming. How we view ourselves on the outside is often a direct reflection of how we feel on the inside. I envy those women who can be pregnant and look in the mirror and think, “Look at me! I am a goddess!”

I will admit I love my pregnant belly. There is something magical about it and it makes me a little sad to know this will be the last time I will have one. But it’s the rest of the body changes that have been difficult, at least for me.  It’s also not helpful when we see celebrities splashed across the covers of magazines with headlines reading, “Ms. Celebrity loses her baby weight in 4 weeks!”

So, here is my armchair psychologist speech about what you can do to keep your body image in check during pregnancy:

Remember that you are not alone. Women have been pregnant since the beginning of time, millions and millions of them. Try to remember that there is a good chance your body will not look exactly the same as it did before the baby. Your body just had a complete transformation and created another human being, not to mention kept it alive and allowed it to thrive for 10 months! Most of the feelings you are experieincing are normal and won’t be permanent. And there may even be a time in the future where you miss being pregnant!

Breast feeding will not help you lose your baby weight all by itself. I remember hearing this and assuming I would get back into my pre-baby jeans because I was nursing. For me, the weight stopped coming off around 3 months and I had to work (gasp! Yes, exercise) to get the additional 15 pounds off I was holding on to. It took another 5 months.

Don’t beat yourself up if you are a few pounds heavier than before and/or if your clothes don’t fit the same. After I had my son and I was back to my original weight (many, many months later and with great effort), but I was surprised that some of my pants didn’t fit the same and others didn’t fit at all. My body was not the same, plain and simple. Belly changed, boobs changed, it was like weight got rearranged in other places. I’m pretty sure this is why “mom jeans” were invented.

And this one is for the dads:
The mother of your child needs you now more than ever. Some men view their wives differently when they are pregnant and have a hard time in the intimacy department. Some men find their partners extremely sexy and have no problem in that area. But if you find yourself not remembering the last time you made love to your pregnant wife, make sure you communicate with her. She may be glad for the break, she may not. And here’s something else: In many women pregnancy and the changing body can bring on insecurities. We need extra love, attention and affection during this time. Give more hugs, kiss our bellies and tell us we are beautiful. Now is not the time to be oggling over skinny models. Just last week I had a dream that I overheard my husband tell his buddy he wanted to start going to strip clubs. I told my husband about the dream and had a meltdown. We are not crazy during this time, just a little vulnerable.

P.S. If you’re struggling with an eating disorder either pregnant or not pregnant, please get help. Contact NEDA (National Eating Disorders Association). Call them at 1-800-931-2237.

Andrea Owen is a life coach and speaker. She is passionate about empowering women to value their character and feel beautiful by manifesting respect and love for themselves first and foremost. She teaches women how to develop and access their 3 best selves: self-worth, self-confidence and self-esteem.

Not Appropriate, Not Acceptable: Do These Words Really Work?

by Sharon Silver

A 3 yr old hits a friend and mom says, “that’s not appropriate, it’s unacceptable to hit a friend, go say sorry.” Everyone says it—but are those the best words to use when a child is emotional? Does it teach a child how to resolve the situation next time? It does tell him that mom and dad are upset, but so does your tone of voice and the look on your face. I think parents want more from corrections. I think parents want the words they use words to stop behavior and tell a child what they should do instead.

Why isn’t saying, “that’s not appropriate or not acceptable” enough to stop behavior? When a child is emotional or being corrected for misbehavior those words are over their heads.

I did an experiment a while ago with 20 kids ages 2-6. I asked them “what does ‘not appropriate’ mean?” All but one of them said, “I don’t know.” One child said, “Oh, that’s what mom says when she gets mad.”

Would you ever say, “that’s not fitting for this particular purpose” or “that’s not adequate to satisfy a need, a requirement or a standard in this situation” to a young child? Of course not; it’s way over their heads. Well, that’s the definition of appropriate and acceptable.

Toddlers and preschoolers are having first time experiences and require repetition and teaching to learn. Young children are experiencing situations for the first, second or third time—ever. They need to be told about their behavior repeatedly without anger; they need to be taught. A common problem arises when parents assume that since their young child is walking, talking and possibly potty trained, they have full understanding of how life works and full comprehension of the English language. They don’t. They need calm parents to show them what to do instead of what they did.

So how do you teach a child how to “stop it” without using those words? Parents need to send information at the toddler or preschool level so a child can learn how to stop it.

What’s the difference between adult–sized words and child-sized words? When a child is emotional because they can’t have what they want or they are being corrected due to misbehavior, child-sized words are brief statements filled with instruction, not full sentences. The statements include what a child should be doing instead of what they have done.

Here is a real Life example: You are at the mall and your child runs off to see a big fountain. You begin warning by saying, “Not acceptable to go near the fountain.” Or, “Not appropriate to run away from me, stay away from the fountain or we have to leave”, yet your child bolts towards the fountain anyway!

Since your child is determined to see the water and isn’t listening, use child-sized words to show him how to look at the fountain the way you want him too. Try saying, “look with eyes, feet on ground, hands in pockets”. Repeat those words several times so he can understand.

What if he doesn’t listen the first few times? Have him take a seat with you a few feet away from the fountain and wait for three to ten seconds. Then return to the fountain and repeat the words again, “look with eyes, feet on ground, hands in pockets.” If he tests you again repeat the process again. Don’t give up it may take several times for him to get it. This is your chance to show him how you want him to do things and if you give up he will see he doesn’t need to listen to this new way of teaching. Teaching this way shows him you’re serious, and gives him several chances to learn. You’ve just switched from adult words that don’t teach to child-sized words that do.

Sharon Silver is the founder and director of ProActive Parenting, offering downloadable seminars to help parents lovingly teach and correct behavior as they deal with everyday toddler and preschooler behavior.

Do You Need a New Battle Strategy?

When I decided to write an article on resolving conflicts in relationships, I put out some feelers to see how those around me solve their own conflicts. My brother-in-law suggested that there isn’t one solution that will work with everyone, but after doing some research and talking to some experts in couples counseling, I think there are some core ideas that can help lead to more peaceful relationships.

When someone does something to make us angry, it’s only natural to lash back. But often times, doing so only makes the situation worse. If you are able to take a moment to reflect on the situation, rather than acting by reflex, you may find a way to smooth things out and make both parties happy with the outcome. It’s also important to realize that conflict is a normal, natural part of every healthy relationship. “If there were no conflict, I would be concerned that at least one party is too adaptive and yielding at his or her own expense,” said Dr. Dorothea Hover-Kramer, psychotherapist and author of Second Chance at Your Dream.

Realizing that men and women respond differently to conflict is a key component to resolving issues. Maryanne Comaroto, an internationally known radio talk show host, relationship expert, and author says it well: “The problem with solving conflict in relationship is most of us women don’t really want to solve the problem. We want men to hear us, to care deeply about our feelings and needs, and then after this unilateral summit, have our partner never do whatever they did again—ever—that made us feel that way. Or at minimum, admit they were wrong and apologize with chocolate, flowers, perhaps jewelry, a night on the town or a proposal of marriage. Bottom line, we don’t take responsibility for our feelings and experience 9 times out of 10 and would rather blame our partner, calling him insensitive, indifferent or self-centered.”

This may seem a little harsh, but I definitely identify with these ideas. When I am angry at my husband, I don’t really care about the issue as much as the feeling that my desires are being ignored, and I do just want him to put his energy into making me feel better. And if it’s through “gifts” of love, I’ll take them!  Of course, he realizes “solving” our arguments this way isn’t productive in the long run, and he has rarely attempted a “make-up” by showering me with gifts. Instead, he makes us both get down to the heart of the problem, and through talking everything out, forces us to see each other’s perspectives. Sure it’s a healthy way to solve our problems, but a little jewelry every now and then to make amends wouldn’t hurt either!

My husband’s response to conflict in our marriage at least in part reflects what Comaroto says about how men typically react: “Men … want to solve the problem; that’s what they do—as long, of course, as they’re not the problem. Because then they would have to admit they didn’t know how to do it right, or perhaps change their behavior. And while men have many strengths they bring to a relationship, admitting they don’t know how to do something isn’t one of them. Bottom line, most men don’t want to take any responsibility for their part in the conflict and would rather judge their partner as overly sensitive, hormonal or needy.” My husband definitely wants to solve the problem and goes about doing so methodically. But in contrast to the rest of Comaroto’s statements, I am lucky enough to be married to a man that can and does take responsibility when it’s called for. Of course, I have been accused of suffering from PMS — albeit correctly — from time to time.

In the responses I received from so many relationship professionals and life coaches, I found a few other common themes in the advice they had to offer:

• No name calling or yelling.
• Look at the situation from their perspective.
• Take a time out.
• Listen, listen, and listen some more. Don’t just hear the other person’s words, but try to understand what is behind them.
• Reflect on ourselves and our reactions. Does the offending action merit the resulting reaction? Often there are deeper issues at hand.
• Think about what what you can do in your life outside of the present conflict that will better help you cope with conflict when it does arise.

Leslie McKee, a Certified Family Manager Coach™ offers her favorite tip: Always hold hands when having a discussion that may become an argument.  It is nearly impossible to fight with someone who is holding your hand! Elisabeth Manning of  Conscious Conception Energy Coaching expands on this idea, emphasizing the importance of sitting near the other person, and “hold them or hold their hand, or at least make a point to touch, never breaking contact through the talk. Touch dissolves barriers and guards that we put around our heart that we have such a hard time letting down even though we want to. It is a path to getting to the core issues and reminds the other as well as ourselves that we really DO want to get closer at the end of it all, even if we feel otherwise in the moment!”

Carolyn Gerard, a family counselor, tells clients “that it’s not the “things” or the “issues” that are the problem, but what happens to you on an emotional level (feel rejected, put down, hurt, like you don’t matter, he/she doesn’t care anymore) when there is conflict.” Adding to this concept, Dr. Ingrid Schweiger says, “The key to resolving ANY conflict is knowing how to listen and agreeing to the rules for fair fighting.  The true art of listening involves hearing and understanding the feelings behind the words.”  When Schweiger works with couples, she lays down some ground rules from the start, teaching them the do’s and don’t’s of listening.  “We practice, practice, practice and learn how to listen reflectively, so you can acknowledge — not agree or disagree — what your partner is saying.” Schweiger also reminds us that sometimes we simply have to agree to disagree. “If you are escalating, and the conflict is going nowhere, call a time out and agree to pick this up later or in a day or two.  Letting the dust settle gives you both time to not only consider each other’s point of view, but also time to think up some additional solutions.  if it’s all about my way versus your way, you are missing many great opportunities to think outside of the box.”

Of course, talking out your problems with friends can sometimes help you see things from a different perspective, when you are having trouble doing so on your own. Don’t use the opportunity simply to vent your issues, and seek reinforcement for “your side”. Encourage your friends to be honest with you in order for you to see the situation from another angle. When I recently got in an argument with my husband, I knew I wasn’t ready to discuss it with him on a mature, productive level. I called my friend venting, ultimately making it “all about me”. But while describing the conflict to her, without realizing it, I described what I thought his perspective was, which she then pointed out to me. I realized then that his feelings were as valid as mine, and until that moment, I had not been prepared to acknowledge them. When we finally discussed the matter, I started by letting him know that I understood his view of the situation, and gave him the reasons I saw things differently, which he accepted. Instead of trying to figure out who was wrong and who was right, we dissipated the dispute simply by allowing for each other’s feelings and view points.

Melody Brooke, who also practices marriage and family counseling makes this suggestion: “The next time your partner is angry with you. Stop. Don’t do what you always have done. This time, notice the hurt or fear and say something to indicate that you noticed they are hurting, like “I’m sorry, I can see there is something I did that hurt you. Can you tell me what’s going on?”  Give her some indication that you understand she is hurting.  Let him know that you care that he is hurt.  Odds are you will find out that the upset wasn’t really about you, but about something from your partner’s history. So be open, be curious and empathetic.  This will allow their anger to bring you closer instead of pushing you further apart.”

Sometimes the key to ending conflict peacefully is to focus on yourself and your relationship when you are not experiencing conflict. Dr. Susan Fletcher, a family and marriage therapist, and author of two books (Working in the Smart Zone, 2008 and Parenting in the Smart Zone, 2005) offers these suggestions:

1. Learn to self soothe when tension is present. Many people think it is the other spouse’s responsibility to make them feel better. In fact, it is important to be able to calm yourself down rather than needing your spouse to “do something” to make you feel better. Make yourself feel better and have a conversation with yourself to keep your cool.
2. Focus on “repair attempts” rather than “resolving issues.” Some issues are not resolvable. Let’s face it. But agreeing to disagree just may not cut it. Work to “maintain a level of satisfaction despite your difference” to build a better marriage. Don’t sacrifice your relationship in the name of being right or getting the last word.
3. Maintain healthy behaviors even when life is stressful. Try and get at least 30 minutes of sustained exercise a day and eat healthy foods. Treating your body well will go a long way in helping you manage the stress of marital difficulties. Consider exercise and healthy foods a prescription for feeling better.

Fletcher points out the importance of taking responsibility for creating a tense environment when marriage makes you grumpy. “We all have the opportunity to decrease tension by building an environment that reinforces optimism and happiness,” she said, adding that “people typically wait an average of 6 years after their marriage gets tough before they seek help. Confront the problems sooner and become an active participant in helping your marriage bring out the best in you.”

For more information about relationships from sources quoted in the article, visit these sites:

Carolyn Gerard, M.A., MFT, Relationships4Life.com
Maryanne Comaroto
Dorothea Hover-Kramer, Ed.D., RN Second Chance at Your Dream
Susan Fletcher, Ph.D.
Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT, Oh, Wow, This Changes Everything
Dr. Ingrid Schweiger

The Power Struggle: Once It Begins, How do I Stop It?

by Sharon Silver

It can happen anywhere and at anytime. A child screams his demands and his parent feels overwhelmed, embarrassed or angry. Mom increases the intensity of her reaction because she knows what’s coming—a power struggle. Her son wants to be heard so he continues the negotiating and arguing. Now both parent and child are loudly trying to make their point and a power struggle has begun.

Why doesn’t the arguing and negotiating stop when a parent says, “stop it now”?

The short answer is your child is still learning and your reaction is one of the things teaching him. When a parent increases the intensity of her reaction to stop a power struggle it can scare a child. Toddlers and preschoolers tend to revert back to a slightly younger age when they are really emotional. A parent’s big reaction can push a wee one over the edge emotionally causing a power struggle to get bigger or morph right into a frightened tantrum.

The other thing that could happen is due to immature understanding; a young preschooler can view a parent’s reaction as a form of teaching. They may misinterpret your reaction as “Oh, so this is how you’re supposed to behave” and then they model your behavior right back at you.

How to drop your end of a power struggle

Since your child is young and learning from everything around him, you need to make the first change. How? Mom and dad can back out of the power struggle by going silent for 10-60 seconds. It’s that simple and that powerful. The silence is not to be used as a punishment and it shouldn’t go on for any longer than it takes for the parent to see the child calm a little bit. As long as the silence isn’t punitive it quickly becomes more powerful than the arguing. It sends the message, “I hear you and I’m no longer willing to argue with you.”

Your first reaction after reading that may be, “doesn’t that mean I’m letting him get away with disrespectful behavior?” No, actually it’s quite the opposite. Parental silence captures his attention and he thinks, “Uh oh, I’m in trouble.” And since he’s emotionally out of control your silence shows him that you’re calm and in control and he’s comforted by that. He also senses that pleading, negotiating and screaming has to stop now.

Go silent for 10-60 seconds as soon as you realize you’re in a power struggle.  Explain that you won’t be talking until he calms down. You need to explain why you’ve gone silent or it will either confuse him or cause a bigger fuss. Then go silent again as he tries to re-engage you, and he will. Repeating instructions is key as you do this tip. Repeat this process as many times as needed the first few times you try this.

So the next time you find yourself arguing with a 3 or 4 yr old—go silent for 10-60 seconds, take a few deep breaths and wait for your child to calm down before you talk. Then follow your heart as you help him learn about your family’s rules and resolve the situation.

Sharon Silver is the founder and director of ProActive Parenting, www.proactiveparenting.net a site offering downloadable seminars to help parents switch from punishment to discipline as they deal with everyday toddler and preschooler behavior.

The Importance of ‘Self Love’

I can’t say when I first heard the word ‘masturbate’, or learned what it meant. What I can tell you is that the word has always struck me as something ugly. And it’s certainly not a word — or concept — that most women are comfortable talking about. You probably squirmed a little just reading it here. But I think it’s a subject that needs to be talked about, like so many other women’s issues that are ignored or suppressed. Not that masturbation is relevant only to women, but like the disparity in so many things between men and women, masturbation is considered pretty much a given with men. It even seems to create somewhat of a brotherhood among them, as they joke about it, and otherwise openly talk about it.  Conversely, I think I can count on one hand the number of times the subject of masturbation has come up among my female friends.

So I am opening the dialogue here. It’s time to talk about masturbation, but instead of using the word ‘masturbate’, for the remainder of this article I will refer to it as self love. I realize that throughout VenusVision, there is a lot of talk about self love, and in other contexts, the term is not referring to the act of masturbation, which may be confusing. But in my opinion, it’s all part of the same concept of knowing your body and loving it in a variety of ways.

I imagine that most women fall into two camps when it comes to self love: you either do it, or you rarely, if ever think about it (and if you do think about it, it’s probably not in a positive way). Based on the few discussions I have had with women on the topic, it seems like those who enjoy it as adults discovered the pleasures of self love at an early age, sometimes even before puberty. What began as a simple act of self exploration became an experience which relaxed, soothed, and provided pleasure. Certainly there are those who discovered the joys of self love later in life too, as they began to explore new sides of themselves that had been ignored in the past.

For those women who have confessed to never experiencing self love, I often find that they have less interest in sex in general, and many of them don’t have a positive self image, which may actually lead to overall decreased feelings of sexuality.  They are already uncomfortable in their bodies, and the idea of touching themselves can serve to enhance their self consciousness. Not to mention, I’m sure for many a stigma still remains on self love. Though we realize that you won’t actually go blind or grow hair on your hands from touching yourself, our society’s Puritan roots run deep, and for those who aren’t comfortable in their sexuality to begin with, self love can still seem like something perverse. Everyday Health cited a study by the National Health and Social Life Survey in which 39 percent of American women ages 18 to 60 reported masturbating during the previous year, compared with 61 percent of American men.

Like so many other women’s issues that have been taboo for women to talk about and explore, the barriers to self love need to be examined and broken down. Learning how to make yourself feel good in a way that’s independent from anyone else is not only empowering, it’s liberating.

According the Better Health Channel, some of the benefits of self love are:

• Eases some of the symptoms of premenstrual syndrome
• Relief from menstrual cramps
• Muscle relaxation
• Helps you to fall asleep
• Promotes release of the brain’s opioid-like neurotransmitters (endorphins), which cause feelings of physical and mental wellbeing
• Reduces stress
• Enhances self-esteem.

Additional medical benefits include a cleansing of the vagina and increased lubrication. And of course, if you are using self love as the exclusive means for sexual pleasure, you don’t risk unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases.

If all this still makes you feel uncomfortable and squeamish, it’s perfectly normal. It’s not likely that reading a few facts will suddenly create an urge to do something that you’ve never had any desire to do. On the other hand, perhaps self love is something that you think about from time to time, and you just need a little push to give it a try. Maybe you need some guidance on where to start. (For some ideas, check out Everyday Health’s article on Masturbation 101.) If you can break down the emotional barriers that have been preventing you from getting closer to your body, understanding it more, and learning how to provide pleasure for yourself, it will bring you one step closer to loving your whole self unconditionally, and serve as one way to make peace with your body and yourself.

Is He Wrong for You?

An Au Pair Vs. Nanny: What’s The Difference?

Are you weighing au pairs vs. nannies to hire? It’s a good idea to get informed about both your options before you make your choice. Both types of childcare have pros and cons and it’s important to weigh your decision carefully to figure out what option works best for your family. Here are a few things to consider when you’re weighing an au pair vs. nanny.

• An au pair is a foreign young person who comes to the United States to work in exchange for housing under a prescribed set of guidelines and weekly stipend.
• A nanny is a broader term to refer to anyone a family employs to look after a child or children in the household.
• Nannies are typically residents of the United States.
• Nannies can be live-in or live-out, while all au pairs must be live-in childcare providers.
• Au pairs may or may not have prior childcare experience, so it’s important to check with the agency if a candidate has worked with children before.
• Nannies can provide full-time or part-time childcare for your family, depending on your needs.
• Au pairs typically provide up to 45 hours of childcare a week.
• Both au pairs and nannies can provide household upkeep services. If you’re working with an au pair agency, it’s important to find out exactly what services an au pair will provide. If you’re screening a nanny, you can discuss individual job duties with an applicant.
• If you’re looking for an au pair, you must find one through one of the approved U.S. Department of State agencies.
• If you’re hiring a nanny, you have a range of options. An online database, such as Nannies4Hire.com, word of mouth, nanny agencies, and job boards are all places you can find a nanny.
• Au pairs may speak little English causing a language barrier.

An Au Pair: What Will It Really Cost You?

If you’re considering an au pair for your household, the good news is that the guidelines for how much you should pay her are pretty clear. However, there are other fees besides the stipend that you have to pay an au pair. And these fees will vary from agency to agency. To give you an idea of how much it will cost you a year for an au pair, we’re showing the current fees and costs of Au Pair USA, whose fees are in line with a number of other agencies.

For 2007, the fees for Au Pair USA include a $250 application fee, a $2,500 placement fee, and a $3,900 program fee. The application fee covers the processing of the paperwork. The placement fee covers the cost of recruiting and screening an au pair. The program fee covers the cost of the au pair’s visa, partial travel expenses, her coordinator, and training program.

In addition to application fees and expenses, you also have to pay a stipend to your au pair. An au pair caring for children over 2 years of age should be paid $130.05 a week. An au pair caring for children under 2 years of age should be paid $164.05 a week. The current educational supplement, which is applied towards your au pair’s education is $500.

Benefits Of Hiring A Nanny Over An Au Pair

Weighing in on the decision over whether a nanny or au pair works better as a childcare solution for your family isn’t easy. If you’re looking for reasons why hiring a nanny is better than an au pair, read on.

• Childcare isn’t a decision to make lightly. When you decide to hire a nanny, you can meet an applicant face to face in an interview and see how that person interacts with your child.
• If you decide to hire a nanny over an au pair, you can limit your search locally. Friends, neighbors, and other family members all make excellent places to start looking for a nanny. You can also use an online nanny database, such as Nannies4Hire.com, get a list of approved childcare providers through your local college or university or post an ad in your local paper.
• When hiring a nanny, you can be more flexible about the qualifications you’re looking for. Whether it’s a certain number of years of experience, CPR certification, or the ability to work part-time hours, you’re not limited to a prescribed search criteria set up by an au pair agency. Nannies do not necessarily have limitations in terms of duties, hours, commitment period, schooling, etc. as aupairs do.

How Au Pair Agencies Work

One way to get childcare help is through an au pair agency. Au pair agencies in the United States must be a program run by the U.S. Department of State. There are now 12 au pair agencies which provide au pair services to families looking for childcare. Each agency varies somewhat in the way an au pair is selected for a family.

However, typically, you can contact one of the au pair agencies by phone or through their Website. A coordinator will get in contact with you and inform you how their program works. The coordinator will then match you with an au pair based on your time frame and requirements. Or you could receive a list of au pairs to choose from. Some of the au pair agencies you can choose from include Au Pair in America, Cultural Care Au Pair, and Au Pair International.

Understanding the Au Pair Program

If you’re a family in need of more affordable childcare for up to 45 hours a week, the au pair program is a viable solution for your needs. An au pair program matches your family with a screened childcare provider who will live in your home in exchange for a monthly stipend. Typically, the au pair is young person who wishes to live in the United States for a time period while watching a family’s child or children. An au pair may reside in your home for just the summer or for up to two years.

Au pairs must have their own room, the provision of food, one and a half days off every week, and a full weekend off every month. Part of the expense of paying an au pair includes an amount towards the au pair’s educational expenses. An au pair has proficiency in conversational English and typically has a minimum amount of childcare experience. Au pairs have a standard weekly stipend that the host family pays.

When An Au Pair Might Be The Right Choice

Hiring a nanny isn’t necessarily right for every family situation. Sometimes, an au pair does make a better childcare choice. Here are some situations where an au pair makes better sense:

• If you want temporary childcare just for the summer, an au pair could work out best. Au pair programs provide temporary childcare during the summer months.
• You’re comfortable with a live-in situation and want to welcome a foreign student as part of your family. If you’re interested in offering your home as a host family to a young person from another country so that you can have childcare, an au pair might be better for you.
• You’re looking for an affordable option and are comfortable with having an au pair agency screen an applicant for you. Nanny wages can vary widely. However, on the whole, an au pair is affordable option. The monthly stipend can be less than some nanny wages when you compare the cost of a live-in nanny.

Source: Nannies4Hire

So What Do Moms Do All Day Anyway?

by Samantha Moore

With “Take Your Child to Work” day coming up (April 23), I am reminded of the day a few years back when my babysitter (a child I used to have in my daycare center years before) told me she had wanted to “tail” ME for the day. Her teacher told her that wasn’t acceptable. She needed to go to an office environment. I translated that to my JOB not being “real” enough to warrant interest!

You can imagine my anger at the insensitivity of the teacher. She/he must not have children. If they had, they would know how a stay-at-home Mom’s JOB is probably more taxing than most on any given day.

For instance, here was my typical work schedule with two toddlers in the house:

6:30am First client arrives unannounced in my bedroom demanding attention by sticking finger up my eyelid. Second client arrives soon after needing assistance as well. After getting out of bed and dealing with matters (still in PJs), they insist on a meeting over breakfast… now.

6:45am The entourage goes downstairs to the canteen while discussing the day’s agenda. After cooking a balanced meal and cleaning up (all while the clients act like little boys talking about their favorite cars and occasionally cracking bathroom humor), it’s off to dress the clients and myself to get ready to go off campus.

8am Drive clients to grocery store to buy more food for future balanced meals. Keep clients from grabbing fruit and vegetables off bins. Warn clients of oncoming carts. Ask clients to stay close to cart – for own safety. Return to office and put away stock while clients try to help, but wind up breaking glass jars of apple sauce (buy plastic next time/clean up spill now).

10am Clients look to me for programming ideas… they are at a loss for what to do. Plan activities that will encourage brain development. Teach them to get along and share.

11:30am Clients demand more food (prep then clean…)

1pm Clients morale starts to deteriorate and bickering ensues between them. I encourage them to take a break and rest. It’s a good day — they actually go to sleep.

1:30pm While clients sleep, get on phone and arrange doctor’s check-ups as well as dentist visits. Call phone company and dispute mysterious charge. While on hold, start laundry. Clean client’s work area, check emails and respond while still on hold with phone company. Check bills and pay any due within next two weeks. Still on hold….

2:15 Still on hold with phone company as one client awakes and comes down stairs. Must do damage control with him as his leg has fallen asleep and now hurts as it “wakes up”. Client wines that his leg feels sparkly. The 5 minutes of crying has woken up the other client who is similarly not in a good mood. Phone company employee has finally come on the line and wants to know what I need. Really? What I NEED right now!!?? I’m sure she can’t give that to me, so I NEED to call her back later.

3pm Put shoes on wining clients as well as jackets and take them outside for a change of venue. This seems to work. Morale is better. Must locate digging tools and help find earthworms for collection. Mediate between my clients and other “clients” at the digging site. Territorial rites are argued and physical injury is imminent. Appropriate new digging site for my clients with “bigger and better” worms. This new site is soon found by other clients and is compromised as well.

5pm Must coax my clients back into office so third meal of day may be prepared before the CEO arrives back at the office. Much bribery is needed to get clients inside. Transfer laundry as I pass by the laundry room. Once inside, mediation is required to fix disagreement between clients before cooking prep may begin. Start cooking process with one client attached to leg. Must practice great caution to not injure client. Don’t want an OSHA visit. Easier to cook with client on leg than listen to his list of disagreements to the “system”.

6pm CEO arrives home. Clients are glad to see him and my leg is finally freed. Finish cooking project and prepare table for office staff to eat.

6:30pm CEO takes clients upstairs to boardroom to recap the days events. I remain in canteen and clean dishes and put away client’s office supplies. Inspect the day’s mail for important documents – keep bills, discard junk and shred the rest.

7:30pm Retrieve clean laundry. Start another load. Fold clean laundry. Separate into piles for each client. Disperse later. Re-dry CEO’s pants as they have sat in dryer too long and are wrinkled. Set watch timer to catch them this time.

8pm Vacuum basement level where clients came in with muddy shoes from “worm retrieval” project. Clean and disinfect toilet from youngest client’s efforts at potty training.

8:15pm Hang CEO’s pants from dryer.

8:20pm Continue with cleaning efforts….

9:15pm Read and retain pertinent information from daily newspapers and periodicals received in mail. Use this information in later conversations so as to sound as if brain is not totally mush from the efforts of maintaining this office.

10pm Meet with CEO and discuss days events. Go over positive outcomes as well as discuss how to differently handle negative ones.

10:45pm Turn off lights in office and go to sleep.

2am Client cries out due to negatively perceived dream. Meet with client and discuss the improbability of dream actually happening. Discuss flow chart of positive outcomes if go back to sleep. Convince client all is well.

2:15am Get back to bed.

6:30am another day at the office.

How could anyone question the respectability of OUR day at the office!? Although I think I’ll pay attention next year and send my “clients” in with the CEO to his headquarters. Maybe I could call that a vacation day….

End of the Day Whining: Two Tips to Help

by Sharon Silver

The adult world can leave you exhausted at the end of the day. All you want to do is decompress; yet your child wants 100% of your attention, and the evening arguing begins.

Mom needs to get dinner ready or bedtime will be late and dad needs to send one more email before work tomorrow. Your child doesn’t care about that, she doesn’t know anything about the adult world, she lives in the present moment and wants your attention now. And now the whining and yelling begins.

Most children can be whiny at the end of day. They’ve held it together emotionally all day without you and now they’re home where it’s safe and the emotions begin to roll. However parents have been in the adult world all day and have little energy left for any whining.

Here are two tips, one feeds attention and one feeds the tummy, both help change End of the Day Whining.

Literally feed end of the day whining—don’t starve it.

What if you began by feeding your child ahead of dinner instead of insisting she stop whining now! We all know mealtime can be the only focused time a family has all day, and I’m not asking you to give that up, I’m suggesting a change in how it goes. Sometimes hunger causes whining and food is the only solution.

Be proactive and create a “dinner box”. Have a container waiting in the refrigerator so she can have food as soon as she gets home. Stock the box ahead of time with things like cheese, yogurt, lunch meat, tuna, veggies and dip, fruit, cheese and crackers, cheese tortillas, or leftovers. What ever works for your child, as long as it’s healthy.

Won’t that spoil her dinner? No, it becomes the bulk of her dinner. It’s simply feeding her the way you used too when she was a baby, before you eat. Now she’s older and can handle eating as she does the next tip and while you continue to make the family meal. Also, your child’s stomach is the size of her fist. Toddlers and preschoolers don’t eat as much as adults do, and most don’t enjoy complex adult food; they’re natural grazers and prefer small portions many times a day of the foods already mentioned.

What about family time? Eating together each night is very important, but it’s not the eating of the food that’s so important, it’s the time spent together. Now that your child has been partially fed invite her to finish dinner with the family or have her join you for desert. This way you get to have a calmer family meal with less whining.

Feed the need for attention—but on your terms.

This tip will fill both your needs, she gets attention and you continue making dinner. Consider having a special seat in the kitchen called “time with me seat”? That way your child can be with you—but not under foot. Have your child sit in her “special” seat as she eats from the “dinner box” and let her eat slowly as she tells you about her day. Begin by asking her direct questions to get things started and then let her go on about anything. This exchange fills her up with the attention she’s craving and doesn’t force you stop the flow of family life as you provide one-on-one time.

Sharon Silver is the founder and director of ProActive Parenting, a site offering downloadable seminars to help parents switch from punishment to discipline as they deal with everyday toddler and preschooler behavior.

Start a Conversation with Confidence

Silence. It’s the worst. When you’re on a date, it’s terrifying. When you find yourself in a sudden partnership with an acquaintance, it’s awkward. When you’re trying to make small talk with your boss, it’s stressful. If you could just get onto a topic that would get the ball rolling, you would be fine. But somehow, the conversation is coming in short, mundane jolts. Chatting about how troublesome the weather’s been lately is doubtful to lead to more casual, relaxed conversation. So how can you turn this tense encounter into a free, unforced dialogue?

You simply have to ask the right questions. Whether you are on one of your first few dates or meeting your neighbor, the objective is the same. You’re discovering common interests, points of disagreement, and generally getting to know the other person. The best way to learn something about another person is to ask. Small talk is meaningless. To establish a significant relationship, you must develop trust. In order to develop trust, the sharing of information is essential.

The following list can help you extract some relationship building information effortlessly. Some questions are obviously only appropriate in some situations. Use discretion, and don’t get too invasive too quickly. Now the next time you find yourself enduring an uncomfortable silence, you can keep it at bay. Make use of one of these conversation starters to launch banter that could help you find a great friend or boyfriend.

1. When you were young, what did you want to be when you “grew up”? Did you stick to your plan?

2. What cartoon character did you always want to be?

3. What celebrity (if any) do people always say you look like?

4. What has been your biggest challenge to date?

5. How would you define success?

6. If they made a film of your life, who would you want to play you?

7. What is your favorite theme/amusement park ride?

8. Have you ever gotten revenge on someone and why?

9. What is one thing that will cause you to lose respect for me?

10. What do you worry about more than any other thing?

11. What are your feelings about plastic surgery?

12. When you have to cut your budget, what’s the first thing to go?

13. What was the first thing that made you think that you and I should date?

14. What was your first impression of me? Do you think it was accurate?

15. Can you think of an example of a time someone truly betrayed your trust? Did you stay close with that person?

16. What is the most dangerous or stupid thing you’ve ever done?

17. Have you ever lied to me? Why?

18. How would you rank yourself in overall attractiveness? (1 being hideous and 10 being perfect)

19. If you could take over a celebrity’s body, who would you choose and why?

20. What’s a problem that your parents have that you want to avoid?

21. If you had 3 wishes, what would they be?

22. What were your childhood fears?

23. If it’s not a sensitive subject, has anyone close to you ever died?

24. What is your guilty pleasure—you know…something you love but don’t want anyone else to know that you love? (You might want to share yours first. “I like to watch trashy MTV reality shows.”)

25. Who were your best and worst teachers of all time and why?

26. What has been the happiest moment in your life to date?

27. What do you love about yourself most?

28. What has been your most embarrassing experience?

29. Who is your celebrity crush and why?

30. If there was a fire, what three things would you save?

31. What’s the best advice you ever got?

32. What’s the craziest dare you ever went through with?

33. Do you have any personal superstitions?

34. What was your favorite television show as a child?

35. Can you describe your most memorable party experience?

36. What frequency do you think is normal for couples to have sex?

37. Have you ever been in a situation where you thought you were going to die?

38. Have I ever embarrassed you?

39. If you could have any super power, which would you choose and why?

40. If you couldn’t live in the U.S., what country would you call home?

41. Who did you not like in high school and why?

42. What are your favorite places to visit alone?

43. What’s the worst trouble you’ve gotten yourself into?

44. What do you see yourself doing in 10 years?

45. Would you ever skydive or do any kind of thrill-seeking activity?

46. What is your biggest pet peeve?

47. Who has been the largest source of inspiration in your life?

48. If you were stuck on a desert island with only one kind of food, which food would you choose?

49. What are your bad habits?

50. What is the last thing you think about before you go to sleep?

Don’t forget to relate to the other person. Tell them if you have similar experiences. They will be more likely to share if they believe they are in accepting company. Good luck making new friends and establishing new love interests!

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