Acknowledging Feelings in Your Children

When my 8-year-old daughter fell while jumping around in her room, she began crying that she’d been hurt. After 8 years, I have learned to distinguish between “big hurts” and “little hurts” and this clearly was a little hurt. I asked her in a soothing voice if she was ok, where was she hurt, and does she need me to look at it? I knew, of course, that she was ok. But what she was looking for in that moment was a validation of her feelings — an acknowledgment of her pain, even if it was brief and minor. After my response, she perked right up and went on to her next activity without another thought. Had I given her the response that in the past has come more naturally to me — a kind of “buck up” attitude, her “recovery” would have been prolonged. She would have continued to cry, not out of pain, but out of frustration that she feels misunderstood.

It was at that moment I had a flashback to an incident between me and husband when we were still dating. It had been one of “those” days and the icing on the cake was after a long day at a new job when I went to my car and discovered a parking ticket. I lost it. I cried the whole hour-long drive home. When I got there, I called my husband-then-boyfriend, still sobbing. I told him about the ticket, to which he responded: “It’s just a parking ticket.” The rage that filled within me at those words was more than I can describe, and the response I gave him before hanging up on him cannot be repeated, though let’s just say it included a word that begins with ‘F’.

After I hung up on him, he got in his car and drove over to try again to be supportive, understanding his mistake but also explaining his intentions.  He was trying to give me perspective by saying “it’s just a ticket” — reminding me that ultimately it wasn’t such a big deal. But I didn’t want perspective. I wanted him to empathize with my pain and frustration. Sure, in and of itself a parking ticket wasn’t a big deal, but for me it was the proverbial straw, and the emotional pain was as intense as if something much grander had happened.

Is this all beginning to sound a bit familiar in the context of your children? Your child stubs his toe, and his reaction is akin to his entire foot being sawed off. Or your daughter spills something on her favorite dress, and the world is about to end. As parents, we may feel like rolling our eyes and saying something like “get over it” or “it’s not a big deal”. But what we aren’t realizing is it IS a big deal to them, and by offering platitudes, we are teaching them that we don’t value their perspective on their own experiences.

“Being heard and seen is so important to our children. To be totally ourselves and fully expressed without the risk of judgment. That is one of the greatest gifts parents give to their children.” Susan Howson, a Family and Relationships Coach, and creator of Magnificent Creations. Howson went on to say, “In life, we encounter difficult situations and feelings. Being in touch with those feelings and experiencing these emotions fully, even when it feels unusual and uncomfortable to the child, is essential for a child to experience where they are at that moment. The expression and awareness of all feelings is important.”

Of course, this doesn’t mean we have to over-react ourselves to every injury or injustice our kids experience. It is important to gauge their reaction and respond accordingly. There is also a time and place for teaching more appropriate responses. Annie Zirkel , a Parenting Consultant points out that “We want resilient kids who don’t maximize pain because this strategy has been shown to increase pain.” But there is a balance to teaching kids to manage their feelings in relation to painful events, and Zirkel adds “We also want kids who do not disconnect from their genuine experiences.”

Still, sometimes it might feel as though we’re being manipulated, and it is hard to show sympathy. But Ray Fisher, a Psychotherapist at the Council for Relationships notes that “Whether the child is crying for attention or is seriously injured the child is looking for something from the parent and if the parent doesn’t attend to their child’s needs the child will either escalate their behavior or disengage from the parent. Parents should know that if either of these events occurs children learn valuable lessons about who they can count on when they need help.”  A family therapist I used to see shared similar sentiments, reminding me that one day they won’t turn to me for comfort, instead seeking it outside the home, so why not encourage them to seek comfort from us for as long as possible.

Adding to Fisher’s sentiment, Dr. Mark Sharp, a Clinical Psychologist with the Aiki Relationship Institute said, “The “buck up” mentality can do a couple of things: teach kids that their feelings are “wrong” or inaccurate and encourage them to not pay adequate attention to them, or lead some children to becoming even more dramatic in their expressions of emotion because they don’t feel like they are being heard or taken seriously.”

This might also be a good opportunity for the parent to examine her own upbringing. Understanding your reactions to a situation can enable you to better guide your child through life’s hurdles. Bette Alkazian, a Family Therapist and Parent Coach works with parents “to examine their own values and past experiences before evaluating what their child’s reaction “should” be. For example, some parents were raised with the “buck up” attitude … may cause them to have less patience than perhaps they should have for the child in a given situation. The best way to get away from old attitudes is to imagine how much the parent might have wanted to express as a child him/herself, and wasn’t allowed.” When I reflect on this in terms of my own childhood, I recall being one who never revealed any feelings. This approach wasn’t necessarily guided by my parents, but I was a very independent child and refused to rely on anyone else for comfort. Without anyone telling me to, I took the “buck up” attitude. I have had to work hard to step away from this mentality in my own parenting.

Besides, as Dr. Laura Markham of AhaParenting.com reminded me, research shows that pain is subjective. “Emotions such as fear or embarrassment always exacerbate pain. Maybe that stubbed toe didn’t seem to warrant so much fuss, but only your child knows what the pain is like for her. Kids don’t have as much ability as adults do to manage and compartmentalize their feelings, so their tears and upset may express both the emotional and the physical pain they feel in a given situation. In other words, being knocked down and struck out at home plate may seem a mild injury to us, but our child may not be able to stop crying because the tears relieve emotional disappointment and shame as well as the physical pain.” And this goes back to my parking ticket. The emotions surrounding the situation — which included the larger picture of feeling stress about new financial responsibilities, a new career, and juggling a relationship — intensified the emotional pain I was feeling. Reflecting on that moment that happened so many years ago really gave me insight on the emotions behind my childrens’ behaviors, and next time I won’t roll my eyes when they stub their toe, but instead offer hugs and kisses, and any other comfort they need.

Pigtail Pals Is Redefining ‘Girly’

Girls can’t be scientists. Girls are bad at math. Race car driving is for boys.

Of course you know that none of these statements are true. But do you make an active effort in teaching the young girls in your life — daughters, sisters, nieces, students — that they can break through stereotypes and be anything they want to be? Melissa Wardy, Owner of PigtailPals did just that.

Tired of the role models girls are exposed to these days, Melissa had the idea of combining positive messages for girls with fun fashion, and Pigtail Pals was born. Playing on “girly” stereotypes, Melissa aims to redefine what ‘girly’ means by creating whimsical drawings that challenge traditional male/female roles. In her own words, “A Pigtail Pal doesn’t wish upon a star and wait for her prince to show up. A Pigtail Pal gets in her rocket ship and finds that star all on her own.”

When I asked Melissa to expand on how she came up with the idea for Pigtail Pals, she told me this:

“When I conceived the idea for this company, my daughter was a baby and I had control over everything she was exposed to. At the time, I had a desire to provide clothes that had more action and adventure for girls. Now she is in preschool, and I feel as though this hyper-sexualized world of clothes, toys and media are spiraling towards us. And she’s paying attention. That desire has now turned into a firery passion to return childhood to our girls. The concept of “7 going on 16″ is not okay with me. Most of what is on the market today is sexual, inappropriate, and harmful. We are undermining the potential of our girls by giving them toys that have overt messages of sexuality, pleasing men, and worth based on appearance. Pigtail Pals aims to do better.”

In addition to redefining ‘girly’, PigtailPals operates in a socially responsible manner, using tees that are made sweatshop, child-labor free. Pigtail Pals also chooses one charity each month to receive a portion of the profits from sales.

So help Melissa redefine what it means to be girly, and check out all of her designs at Pigtail Pals.

What Do Your Kids Bring Out in You?

I love my kids dearly, but they have the unique ability to occasionally bring out the worst in me. When this happens, I feel like the worst parent and lowest person on the face of the earth. I know it’s not the end of the world to scream at your kids from time to time, but that doesn’t make me feel any better after I have done it, particularly if they just caught me at a bad time. I used to dwell on these moments, using them to define my abilities as a parent, leaving me feeling inadequate to say the least.

Now, for the most part I have learned to view myself as a pretty good parent through the simple observation of the fact that my kids are actually really great people who are kind, caring, creative, smart, respectful and in general, a joy to be around. And they didn’t get this way through a sheer force of nature. Sure, some of their traits may be genetically predisposed, but I like to think that I bring out those traits.

In that vein, my friend Erin suggested I write an article about how our kids foster the best in us. It’s funny — though I have stopped most of the negative self talk when it comes to my own parenting, it shocked me when I first heard her suggestion because I never considered this possibility. And then she went on to clarify: “Our children inspire us to be our best selves, rising above our own insecurities so that we do not pass them on to our children. If we’re shy, we make ourselves be social in moms groups and play dates so our kids will have the social life we never had. If we’re naturally lazy, we invoke our inner athlete to model healthier behavior for them. If we are TV-addicts, we vow to read a new book a month. If we obsess about food and weight, we model healthy eating and food choices for our kids, etc. In so doing, we actually become the people we wish we had been all along and the parents we always wanted to be.” I couldn’t have said it better myself. (Which is why I didn’t try!)

So I reflected on the particular ways in which my kids do make me be my best. Not surprisingly, my friend’s particular examples resonated with me. As a young child, I was left to my own devices when it came to making friends. Of course, things were a lot different back then, when there weren’t waiting lists for play groups, but I led a pretty solitary childhood. When I had my own children, I was naturally inclined to enjoy the company of other mom’s anyway, but even now that my kids are older and play dates don’t include other moms, I am eager for my kids to socialize with other children and look for opportunities for them to do so outside of school.

I was also pretty lazy as a kid, preferring to spend most of my time in front of the TV, pigging out on bowls of cereal or ice cream. I didn’t play any sports or participate in any group activities. My kids on the other hand enjoy soccer, gymnastics, ice skating, swimming, riding bikes, going for long walks in the woods or just running around with no particular purpose.  And while they would gladly plop down in front the TV, they would take any of those activities over their favorite TV show any time. My children also see the commitment I have to my own physical fitness through running, swimming, biking and going to they gym. Sure, there are times that I don’t feel like doing anything myself, but for the sake of getting them moving, we just do it.

I also was not a big reader as a kid. (See above reference to TV.) Although I’m sure my parents read to me from time to time, a love of books was never fostered. But from the time my kids were infants, I read to them virtually every night at bed time, as well as other times too. Now that my older daughter is 7, she is a voracious reader that completely lives up to the title of “book worm”. My younger daughter isn’t reading on her own yet but will happily sit down to have a book read to her or even look at a book on her own.

It goes without saying that throughout my life I have obsessed with food and weight issues. Having two daughters, I am particularly conscious about what messages I send to them in regards to their own appearance and the food choices that they make. I NEVER make comments about my own body (or anyone else’s including theirs) in front of them, and in fact have worked hard to come to terms with and love my body unconditionally in an effort to lead by example. I offer my kids a healthy diet and am proud that while they enjoy their share of junk food, they also gladly eat up things like spinach, asparagus, broccoli, artichokes, and even ask for a salad from time to time. We talk about the value of foods and the concept of moderation, and encourage them to listen to their own bodies. It’s a miracle to me at times to watch them dig into a piece of cake at a birthday party, only to take a few bites and realize that they are full, and don’t want any more.

I suppose it’s natural for us to identify what it was about our own upbringing that we didn’t like and swing the pendulum in the opposite direction, but whatever the underlying motivation, my friend has pointed out to me that, while my kids do from time to time bring out the worst in me, I am a better person for having them in my life, and will always strive to be the best I can be for them and for myself.

Who Is Supermom?

She’s always just lurking around the corner. We hear of her, and sometimes we even think we have caught a glimpse of her, but she is elusive, always careful to maintain her secret identity.

Well, VenusVision was able to pull some strings, and believe it or not, we were able to catch up with her long enough to find out more about her. This is what we learned.

She is a gourmet chef who only uses the most nutritious, wholesome foods, serving up three balanced meals each day, plus two healthy snacks. Not only does she prepare plenty of green vegetables and colorful fruits, but she actually gets her kids to eat them, enjoy them even! McDonald’s? Chick-fil-A? Burger King? Never! No fast food for her children because she ALWAYS plans ahead. Even when others offer her kids fast food on play dates, they decline. They just don’t like it.

She is a homemaker who performs her duties with the relish of June Cleaver and the style of Martha Stewart. Floors shine, bathrooms sparkle, countertops glisten.  Laundry is always neatly folded (ironing only when necessary, let’s get real here), and put away. Never will you find a laundry basket lying around, full of clean clothes becoming more wrinkled by the minute. Toys scattered about in every room? Of course not, because she has passed her good habits on to her children, and each day they spend the pre-dinner hour happily cleaning up while singing “The Clean Up Song.” Her inspiration for decor? Pottery Barn meets Ikea with a traditional-modern fusion of furniture and decor.

She is a cruise activities director who provides enriching and/or phsycially stimulating activities for her children at all times. (This job doubles as chauffer.) Each activity must enhance intellectual and physical growth. Arts and crafts projects are a daily activity, and imaginary play is encouraged with the help of Supermom’s participation. TV is permitted for the viewing of exactly 30 minutes of educational, public television programming every Saturday morning.

She is a teacher (works hand in hand with cruise activities director). Each child learns their ABCs and how to count to 10 by the age of 1, and of course speak in complete sentences using sign language (American, not Baby Sign Language). She also locates the best schools, starting with preschool and waits in line, sometimes overnight to secure a place in said schools. She oversees homework time each day and “helps” her 6 year-old kindergardener  construct a model of the Greek Parthenon using toilet paper and paper towel tubes.

She is, of course, a bombshell who enjoys frequent mind-blowing sex with her husband. To maintain bombshell status, she regularly attends spinning, pilates, yoga, step, and strength training classes. She dresses like a millionaire but shops like Frugal Fannie, turning the heads of men and women alike everywhere she goes. As she dashes to the store, or drops the children off at pre-school, she always looks put-together, even on her way to the gym.

She volunteers for the PTA, baking cookies and organizing teacher appreciation gifts, and goes door-to-door with her children selling Girl Scout Cookies/Boy Scout Popcorn Tins/School Gift Wrap/Basketball Fundraising Discount Cards.

She provides equal attention and constantly expresses equal love and affection to each member of the family, including Jake the dog, whom she has dutifully trained, resulting in the best behaved, well mannered dog in all her suburban neighborhood.

While showering her children with love and attention she has also ensured they don’t get the idea that they are the center of the universe and become spoiled brats whom no one will invite to their kids’ birthday parties. Instead each child is worthy of praise from Miss Manners herself, peppering their vocabulary with the constant use of “please”, “thank you”, “excuse me” and “May I …?”

She is also able to maintain a social network of friends, providing support to less fortunate friends who suffer from the normal woes of motherhood. She has always read the latest New York Times Bestsellers AND Oprah’s Book Club books, meeting with two different book clubs twice a month. (She also does the New York Times crossword puzzle after reading her newspaper over morning coffee.)

She makes every effort to reduce her carbon footprint by recycling virtually every item in her home, or finding a needy recipient for unwanted goods. She buys local organic food at the Farmers Market every Saturday morning, and she drives a Prius.

Finally, Supermom is actually happy and fulfilled doing all of the above things. And why wouldn’t she be? She has an ideal life in every way possible. So by now you’re probably dying to know who Supermom really is! Ok, you caught me. She’s not real. But this is who she is in my mind. And this to whom I compared myself constantly, lamenting that I would never actually be her. For 6 or so of the 7 years I have been a mother, Supermom was my role model, my idol, my tormenter as I was always falling short of becoming her. And then, one day, I took a good look at my kids. They are bright, compassionate, curious, respectful, wonderful human beings. And I think I had something to do with that. Ok, I think I had A LOT to do with that. Maybe I didn’t do all the things I thought I should have done. But instead, I was a wonderful mother in other ways. And I am a wonderful wife. And I am a wonderful friend. (I’m even a pretty good dog owner.)

I do the best I can at the things that are important to me, and do what I can for the rest. In ending my quest for Supermom, I found a pretty super mom in myself. Up Up and away!

Summer Survival Tips for Work at Home Moms

Summer break. As moms, most of us have a love-hate relationship with the long break our kids have from school. No more early mornings, no more figuring out what to pack for lunch day after day, no more arguments over what your kids should or shouldn’t wear to school. But it also means figuring out how to occupy your kids every single day, which can be particularly challenging if you work from home.

Whether you work full time, or stay at home full time, it goes without saying (but I’ll say it anyway) that being a mom has its challenges. The balancing act that is required of us, no matter what our situation is, takes the skill of an acrobat, the patience of Buddha, and the energy of the Tasmanian devil. As someone who has never really gotten the balancing act down, I particularly struggle with the responsibilities of motherhood, homemaking, and trying to earn a living. But during the school year, I knew I could always count on at least a few hours a day to devote to work. Now that school is out, what little balance I managed to create during the previous nine months has gone completely out the window.

I needed to enlist the help of some more experienced working moms, and I got some great advice. (Unfortunately, I didn’t read the advice immediately upon receiving it, and consequently am writing this article far later than I had intended.)

The first obvious solution for moms who work at home is summer camp. You already know there are a huge variety of camps for your kids, ranging from computer camps, acting camps, math camps, and science camps to camps that offer horseback riding, rock climbing, swimming, and more. Most camps offer half day and full day options with prices ranging from reasonable (which in our area translates to about $180 for 5 half days) to outrageous (there are no limits!). The most affordable camps tend to be offered by churches, Girl and Boy Scout Clubs, and local YMCA sites. If you can’t afford to do camps all summer long, look at your options and perhaps pick one or two weeks that would be of particular interest to your kids. If you can’t afford any camps, but still feel like you need a break for a few hours , enlist the help of a neighborhood teen. Most are eager to earn some extra spending money for the summer. My 14-year-old neighbor hosted a camp with a friend for the neighborhood kids, charging $60 per kid for 2.5 hours of organized fun for a week.

When camp is not an option, consider coordinating some vacation time with Dad, suggests Sara Bingham, founder of WeeHands Baby Sign Language and author of The Baby Signing Book. It’s a great chance for Dad to get some quality time with the kids, and it offers a break for you. Bingham also suggested sharing child care with another mom who works from home.

Regardless of how you choose to occupy your children during the summer months, maintaining a routine, and managing your time well are going to be essential to maximum productivity. Schedule time to put aside your work and spend uninterrupted quality time with your children. Rebecca Buscemi, owner of Creative Virtual Office shared her own strategies: “I try to outline some art and craft and various activities to do with the kids the weekend before the work week starts, that way I’m prepared.” However, she added, “When planning activities and games to play with your children while taking a break from work, make sure they aren’t long drawn out projects and games.” If you have to keep interuppting activities to take another call or get back to your work, your child will get frustrated and may be less likely to let you work in peace, Buscemi pointed out. She also suggested having easy activities on hand that your child can do independently, so when you get a phone call you have to take, you are ready with something to occupy your kids.

It also helps if your child has a dedicated play area with a variety of toys, games, and other activities they can enjoy by themselves. Josephine Geraci, Founder and President of My Mom Knows Best, Inc. considers converting her basement into a playroom for her children one of her best investments. She has put a lot of effort into creating a space they can call their own and in which they enjoy being. For inspiration, she tried to recreate a kindergarten class, offering a dress up area, a kitchen set, a doll house, legos, building bocks, puzzles, cars, trucks, etc. She admits it has gotten a little easier now that her children are old enough to play independently but that doesn’t mean they always play well together. Geraci has a rule that if they can’t play nicely together, she seperates them on different floors for a designated period of time.

And of course, sometimes it helps if you can put aside work for a few hours, and get out of the house with a kids. Even if you’re not near an urban center filled with large museums, you’d be surprised if you look around for some local museums what you might find. We have a small farm museum nearby that my kids can spend hours in. And don’t forget about local parks and libraries. Most offer programs and activities for kids free of charge or at a minimal cost. If you have access to a pool, that’s a great way to tire out your kids before coming home for some “quiet time” which presents another good opportunity to get some work done (provided you don’t wear yourself our too!). If you need to turn on the TV for a little break, don’t feel guilty. Sure you probably don’t want to park your kids in front of the tube all summer long, but using it for some down time for both of you won’t rot their brains!

If all else fails, and you just can’t get work done during the day, the best advice I can give is to embrace the time you have with your kids, and set aside time in the evenings to get your work done after they are in bed. If you’re not a night owl, this is easier said than done, but you will only get frustrated trying to get work done during the day if your children aren’t able to occupy themselves, and then everyone will have an unhappy summer. Before you know it, the kids will be back in school, and you”ll be wishing for those care free days of summer again!

Not Appropriate, Not Acceptable: Do These Words Really Work?

by Sharon Silver

A 3 yr old hits a friend and mom says, “that’s not appropriate, it’s unacceptable to hit a friend, go say sorry.” Everyone says it—but are those the best words to use when a child is emotional? Does it teach a child how to resolve the situation next time? It does tell him that mom and dad are upset, but so does your tone of voice and the look on your face. I think parents want more from corrections. I think parents want the words they use words to stop behavior and tell a child what they should do instead.

Why isn’t saying, “that’s not appropriate or not acceptable” enough to stop behavior? When a child is emotional or being corrected for misbehavior those words are over their heads.

I did an experiment a while ago with 20 kids ages 2-6. I asked them “what does ‘not appropriate’ mean?” All but one of them said, “I don’t know.” One child said, “Oh, that’s what mom says when she gets mad.”

Would you ever say, “that’s not fitting for this particular purpose” or “that’s not adequate to satisfy a need, a requirement or a standard in this situation” to a young child? Of course not; it’s way over their heads. Well, that’s the definition of appropriate and acceptable.

Toddlers and preschoolers are having first time experiences and require repetition and teaching to learn. Young children are experiencing situations for the first, second or third time—ever. They need to be told about their behavior repeatedly without anger; they need to be taught. A common problem arises when parents assume that since their young child is walking, talking and possibly potty trained, they have full understanding of how life works and full comprehension of the English language. They don’t. They need calm parents to show them what to do instead of what they did.

So how do you teach a child how to “stop it” without using those words? Parents need to send information at the toddler or preschool level so a child can learn how to stop it.

What’s the difference between adult–sized words and child-sized words? When a child is emotional because they can’t have what they want or they are being corrected due to misbehavior, child-sized words are brief statements filled with instruction, not full sentences. The statements include what a child should be doing instead of what they have done.

Here is a real Life example: You are at the mall and your child runs off to see a big fountain. You begin warning by saying, “Not acceptable to go near the fountain.” Or, “Not appropriate to run away from me, stay away from the fountain or we have to leave”, yet your child bolts towards the fountain anyway!

Since your child is determined to see the water and isn’t listening, use child-sized words to show him how to look at the fountain the way you want him too. Try saying, “look with eyes, feet on ground, hands in pockets”. Repeat those words several times so he can understand.

What if he doesn’t listen the first few times? Have him take a seat with you a few feet away from the fountain and wait for three to ten seconds. Then return to the fountain and repeat the words again, “look with eyes, feet on ground, hands in pockets.” If he tests you again repeat the process again. Don’t give up it may take several times for him to get it. This is your chance to show him how you want him to do things and if you give up he will see he doesn’t need to listen to this new way of teaching. Teaching this way shows him you’re serious, and gives him several chances to learn. You’ve just switched from adult words that don’t teach to child-sized words that do.

Sharon Silver is the founder and director of ProActive Parenting, offering downloadable seminars to help parents lovingly teach and correct behavior as they deal with everyday toddler and preschooler behavior.

The Power Struggle: Once It Begins, How do I Stop It?

by Sharon Silver

It can happen anywhere and at anytime. A child screams his demands and his parent feels overwhelmed, embarrassed or angry. Mom increases the intensity of her reaction because she knows what’s coming—a power struggle. Her son wants to be heard so he continues the negotiating and arguing. Now both parent and child are loudly trying to make their point and a power struggle has begun.

Why doesn’t the arguing and negotiating stop when a parent says, “stop it now”?

The short answer is your child is still learning and your reaction is one of the things teaching him. When a parent increases the intensity of her reaction to stop a power struggle it can scare a child. Toddlers and preschoolers tend to revert back to a slightly younger age when they are really emotional. A parent’s big reaction can push a wee one over the edge emotionally causing a power struggle to get bigger or morph right into a frightened tantrum.

The other thing that could happen is due to immature understanding; a young preschooler can view a parent’s reaction as a form of teaching. They may misinterpret your reaction as “Oh, so this is how you’re supposed to behave” and then they model your behavior right back at you.

How to drop your end of a power struggle

Since your child is young and learning from everything around him, you need to make the first change. How? Mom and dad can back out of the power struggle by going silent for 10-60 seconds. It’s that simple and that powerful. The silence is not to be used as a punishment and it shouldn’t go on for any longer than it takes for the parent to see the child calm a little bit. As long as the silence isn’t punitive it quickly becomes more powerful than the arguing. It sends the message, “I hear you and I’m no longer willing to argue with you.”

Your first reaction after reading that may be, “doesn’t that mean I’m letting him get away with disrespectful behavior?” No, actually it’s quite the opposite. Parental silence captures his attention and he thinks, “Uh oh, I’m in trouble.” And since he’s emotionally out of control your silence shows him that you’re calm and in control and he’s comforted by that. He also senses that pleading, negotiating and screaming has to stop now.

Go silent for 10-60 seconds as soon as you realize you’re in a power struggle.  Explain that you won’t be talking until he calms down. You need to explain why you’ve gone silent or it will either confuse him or cause a bigger fuss. Then go silent again as he tries to re-engage you, and he will. Repeating instructions is key as you do this tip. Repeat this process as many times as needed the first few times you try this.

So the next time you find yourself arguing with a 3 or 4 yr old—go silent for 10-60 seconds, take a few deep breaths and wait for your child to calm down before you talk. Then follow your heart as you help him learn about your family’s rules and resolve the situation.

Sharon Silver is the founder and director of ProActive Parenting, www.proactiveparenting.net a site offering downloadable seminars to help parents switch from punishment to discipline as they deal with everyday toddler and preschooler behavior.

An Au Pair Vs. Nanny: What’s The Difference?

Are you weighing au pairs vs. nannies to hire? It’s a good idea to get informed about both your options before you make your choice. Both types of childcare have pros and cons and it’s important to weigh your decision carefully to figure out what option works best for your family. Here are a few things to consider when you’re weighing an au pair vs. nanny.

• An au pair is a foreign young person who comes to the United States to work in exchange for housing under a prescribed set of guidelines and weekly stipend.
• A nanny is a broader term to refer to anyone a family employs to look after a child or children in the household.
• Nannies are typically residents of the United States.
• Nannies can be live-in or live-out, while all au pairs must be live-in childcare providers.
• Au pairs may or may not have prior childcare experience, so it’s important to check with the agency if a candidate has worked with children before.
• Nannies can provide full-time or part-time childcare for your family, depending on your needs.
• Au pairs typically provide up to 45 hours of childcare a week.
• Both au pairs and nannies can provide household upkeep services. If you’re working with an au pair agency, it’s important to find out exactly what services an au pair will provide. If you’re screening a nanny, you can discuss individual job duties with an applicant.
• If you’re looking for an au pair, you must find one through one of the approved U.S. Department of State agencies.
• If you’re hiring a nanny, you have a range of options. An online database, such as Nannies4Hire.com, word of mouth, nanny agencies, and job boards are all places you can find a nanny.
• Au pairs may speak little English causing a language barrier.

An Au Pair: What Will It Really Cost You?

If you’re considering an au pair for your household, the good news is that the guidelines for how much you should pay her are pretty clear. However, there are other fees besides the stipend that you have to pay an au pair. And these fees will vary from agency to agency. To give you an idea of how much it will cost you a year for an au pair, we’re showing the current fees and costs of Au Pair USA, whose fees are in line with a number of other agencies.

For 2007, the fees for Au Pair USA include a $250 application fee, a $2,500 placement fee, and a $3,900 program fee. The application fee covers the processing of the paperwork. The placement fee covers the cost of recruiting and screening an au pair. The program fee covers the cost of the au pair’s visa, partial travel expenses, her coordinator, and training program.

In addition to application fees and expenses, you also have to pay a stipend to your au pair. An au pair caring for children over 2 years of age should be paid $130.05 a week. An au pair caring for children under 2 years of age should be paid $164.05 a week. The current educational supplement, which is applied towards your au pair’s education is $500.

Benefits Of Hiring A Nanny Over An Au Pair

Weighing in on the decision over whether a nanny or au pair works better as a childcare solution for your family isn’t easy. If you’re looking for reasons why hiring a nanny is better than an au pair, read on.

• Childcare isn’t a decision to make lightly. When you decide to hire a nanny, you can meet an applicant face to face in an interview and see how that person interacts with your child.
• If you decide to hire a nanny over an au pair, you can limit your search locally. Friends, neighbors, and other family members all make excellent places to start looking for a nanny. You can also use an online nanny database, such as Nannies4Hire.com, get a list of approved childcare providers through your local college or university or post an ad in your local paper.
• When hiring a nanny, you can be more flexible about the qualifications you’re looking for. Whether it’s a certain number of years of experience, CPR certification, or the ability to work part-time hours, you’re not limited to a prescribed search criteria set up by an au pair agency. Nannies do not necessarily have limitations in terms of duties, hours, commitment period, schooling, etc. as aupairs do.

How Au Pair Agencies Work

One way to get childcare help is through an au pair agency. Au pair agencies in the United States must be a program run by the U.S. Department of State. There are now 12 au pair agencies which provide au pair services to families looking for childcare. Each agency varies somewhat in the way an au pair is selected for a family.

However, typically, you can contact one of the au pair agencies by phone or through their Website. A coordinator will get in contact with you and inform you how their program works. The coordinator will then match you with an au pair based on your time frame and requirements. Or you could receive a list of au pairs to choose from. Some of the au pair agencies you can choose from include Au Pair in America, Cultural Care Au Pair, and Au Pair International.

Understanding the Au Pair Program

If you’re a family in need of more affordable childcare for up to 45 hours a week, the au pair program is a viable solution for your needs. An au pair program matches your family with a screened childcare provider who will live in your home in exchange for a monthly stipend. Typically, the au pair is young person who wishes to live in the United States for a time period while watching a family’s child or children. An au pair may reside in your home for just the summer or for up to two years.

Au pairs must have their own room, the provision of food, one and a half days off every week, and a full weekend off every month. Part of the expense of paying an au pair includes an amount towards the au pair’s educational expenses. An au pair has proficiency in conversational English and typically has a minimum amount of childcare experience. Au pairs have a standard weekly stipend that the host family pays.

When An Au Pair Might Be The Right Choice

Hiring a nanny isn’t necessarily right for every family situation. Sometimes, an au pair does make a better childcare choice. Here are some situations where an au pair makes better sense:

• If you want temporary childcare just for the summer, an au pair could work out best. Au pair programs provide temporary childcare during the summer months.
• You’re comfortable with a live-in situation and want to welcome a foreign student as part of your family. If you’re interested in offering your home as a host family to a young person from another country so that you can have childcare, an au pair might be better for you.
• You’re looking for an affordable option and are comfortable with having an au pair agency screen an applicant for you. Nanny wages can vary widely. However, on the whole, an au pair is affordable option. The monthly stipend can be less than some nanny wages when you compare the cost of a live-in nanny.

Source: Nannies4Hire

So What Do Moms Do All Day Anyway?

by Samantha Moore

With “Take Your Child to Work” day coming up (April 23), I am reminded of the day a few years back when my babysitter (a child I used to have in my daycare center years before) told me she had wanted to “tail” ME for the day. Her teacher told her that wasn’t acceptable. She needed to go to an office environment. I translated that to my JOB not being “real” enough to warrant interest!

You can imagine my anger at the insensitivity of the teacher. She/he must not have children. If they had, they would know how a stay-at-home Mom’s JOB is probably more taxing than most on any given day.

For instance, here was my typical work schedule with two toddlers in the house:

6:30am First client arrives unannounced in my bedroom demanding attention by sticking finger up my eyelid. Second client arrives soon after needing assistance as well. After getting out of bed and dealing with matters (still in PJs), they insist on a meeting over breakfast… now.

6:45am The entourage goes downstairs to the canteen while discussing the day’s agenda. After cooking a balanced meal and cleaning up (all while the clients act like little boys talking about their favorite cars and occasionally cracking bathroom humor), it’s off to dress the clients and myself to get ready to go off campus.

8am Drive clients to grocery store to buy more food for future balanced meals. Keep clients from grabbing fruit and vegetables off bins. Warn clients of oncoming carts. Ask clients to stay close to cart – for own safety. Return to office and put away stock while clients try to help, but wind up breaking glass jars of apple sauce (buy plastic next time/clean up spill now).

10am Clients look to me for programming ideas… they are at a loss for what to do. Plan activities that will encourage brain development. Teach them to get along and share.

11:30am Clients demand more food (prep then clean…)

1pm Clients morale starts to deteriorate and bickering ensues between them. I encourage them to take a break and rest. It’s a good day — they actually go to sleep.

1:30pm While clients sleep, get on phone and arrange doctor’s check-ups as well as dentist visits. Call phone company and dispute mysterious charge. While on hold, start laundry. Clean client’s work area, check emails and respond while still on hold with phone company. Check bills and pay any due within next two weeks. Still on hold….

2:15 Still on hold with phone company as one client awakes and comes down stairs. Must do damage control with him as his leg has fallen asleep and now hurts as it “wakes up”. Client wines that his leg feels sparkly. The 5 minutes of crying has woken up the other client who is similarly not in a good mood. Phone company employee has finally come on the line and wants to know what I need. Really? What I NEED right now!!?? I’m sure she can’t give that to me, so I NEED to call her back later.

3pm Put shoes on wining clients as well as jackets and take them outside for a change of venue. This seems to work. Morale is better. Must locate digging tools and help find earthworms for collection. Mediate between my clients and other “clients” at the digging site. Territorial rites are argued and physical injury is imminent. Appropriate new digging site for my clients with “bigger and better” worms. This new site is soon found by other clients and is compromised as well.

5pm Must coax my clients back into office so third meal of day may be prepared before the CEO arrives back at the office. Much bribery is needed to get clients inside. Transfer laundry as I pass by the laundry room. Once inside, mediation is required to fix disagreement between clients before cooking prep may begin. Start cooking process with one client attached to leg. Must practice great caution to not injure client. Don’t want an OSHA visit. Easier to cook with client on leg than listen to his list of disagreements to the “system”.

6pm CEO arrives home. Clients are glad to see him and my leg is finally freed. Finish cooking project and prepare table for office staff to eat.

6:30pm CEO takes clients upstairs to boardroom to recap the days events. I remain in canteen and clean dishes and put away client’s office supplies. Inspect the day’s mail for important documents – keep bills, discard junk and shred the rest.

7:30pm Retrieve clean laundry. Start another load. Fold clean laundry. Separate into piles for each client. Disperse later. Re-dry CEO’s pants as they have sat in dryer too long and are wrinkled. Set watch timer to catch them this time.

8pm Vacuum basement level where clients came in with muddy shoes from “worm retrieval” project. Clean and disinfect toilet from youngest client’s efforts at potty training.

8:15pm Hang CEO’s pants from dryer.

8:20pm Continue with cleaning efforts….

9:15pm Read and retain pertinent information from daily newspapers and periodicals received in mail. Use this information in later conversations so as to sound as if brain is not totally mush from the efforts of maintaining this office.

10pm Meet with CEO and discuss days events. Go over positive outcomes as well as discuss how to differently handle negative ones.

10:45pm Turn off lights in office and go to sleep.

2am Client cries out due to negatively perceived dream. Meet with client and discuss the improbability of dream actually happening. Discuss flow chart of positive outcomes if go back to sleep. Convince client all is well.

2:15am Get back to bed.

6:30am another day at the office.

How could anyone question the respectability of OUR day at the office!? Although I think I’ll pay attention next year and send my “clients” in with the CEO to his headquarters. Maybe I could call that a vacation day….

End of the Day Whining: Two Tips to Help

by Sharon Silver

The adult world can leave you exhausted at the end of the day. All you want to do is decompress; yet your child wants 100% of your attention, and the evening arguing begins.

Mom needs to get dinner ready or bedtime will be late and dad needs to send one more email before work tomorrow. Your child doesn’t care about that, she doesn’t know anything about the adult world, she lives in the present moment and wants your attention now. And now the whining and yelling begins.

Most children can be whiny at the end of day. They’ve held it together emotionally all day without you and now they’re home where it’s safe and the emotions begin to roll. However parents have been in the adult world all day and have little energy left for any whining.

Here are two tips, one feeds attention and one feeds the tummy, both help change End of the Day Whining.

Literally feed end of the day whining—don’t starve it.

What if you began by feeding your child ahead of dinner instead of insisting she stop whining now! We all know mealtime can be the only focused time a family has all day, and I’m not asking you to give that up, I’m suggesting a change in how it goes. Sometimes hunger causes whining and food is the only solution.

Be proactive and create a “dinner box”. Have a container waiting in the refrigerator so she can have food as soon as she gets home. Stock the box ahead of time with things like cheese, yogurt, lunch meat, tuna, veggies and dip, fruit, cheese and crackers, cheese tortillas, or leftovers. What ever works for your child, as long as it’s healthy.

Won’t that spoil her dinner? No, it becomes the bulk of her dinner. It’s simply feeding her the way you used too when she was a baby, before you eat. Now she’s older and can handle eating as she does the next tip and while you continue to make the family meal. Also, your child’s stomach is the size of her fist. Toddlers and preschoolers don’t eat as much as adults do, and most don’t enjoy complex adult food; they’re natural grazers and prefer small portions many times a day of the foods already mentioned.

What about family time? Eating together each night is very important, but it’s not the eating of the food that’s so important, it’s the time spent together. Now that your child has been partially fed invite her to finish dinner with the family or have her join you for desert. This way you get to have a calmer family meal with less whining.

Feed the need for attention—but on your terms.

This tip will fill both your needs, she gets attention and you continue making dinner. Consider having a special seat in the kitchen called “time with me seat”? That way your child can be with you—but not under foot. Have your child sit in her “special” seat as she eats from the “dinner box” and let her eat slowly as she tells you about her day. Begin by asking her direct questions to get things started and then let her go on about anything. This exchange fills her up with the attention she’s craving and doesn’t force you stop the flow of family life as you provide one-on-one time.

Sharon Silver is the founder and director of ProActive Parenting, a site offering downloadable seminars to help parents switch from punishment to discipline as they deal with everyday toddler and preschooler behavior.