Disordered Eating or Eating Disorder?

It almost sounds cliche: I have struggled with my weight for years. I guess you could pretty much say my whole life. I have never been grossly overweight, but nor have I been what I consider to be an ideal weight. Consequently, I have spent my life trying to reach this “ideal” weight. What I have come to realize recently, however, is that this struggle had less to do with a number on the scale (though the scale has always held great powers over me) than the ability (or lack of) to control what I put in my mouth.

When the compulsion to control my eating finally came to a head last year, I sought the help of a therapist who felt that I was on the verge of crossing the line from years of disordered eating into an eating disorder. Though I wasn’t displaying the severe symptoms of any particular eating disorder, the idea of controlling my eating was beginning to consume my life. I was starting to skip meals more and the emotional roller coaster of feelings between shame and guilt for overeating and sense of accomplishment for not eating were becoming overwhelming.

After spending a lifetime dieting, I really didn’t think much of my habits let alone place them in the category of a disorder, but at the same time I couldn’t stand the shouting coming from within my head and I desperately wanted help to stop the shouting.

According to WomensHealth.gov, “disordered eating refers to troublesome eating behaviors, such as restrictive dieting, bingeing, or purging, which occur less frequently or are less severe than those required to meet the full criteria for the diagnosis of an eating disorder. Disordered eating can be changes in eating patterns that occur in relation to a stressful event, an illness, personal appearance, or in preparation for athletic competition … disordered eating may develop into an eating disorder. If disordered eating becomes sustained, distressing, or begins to interfere with everyday activities, then it may require professional evaluation.”

And that was where I was. It was interfering with every day life. And so I wondered …. how many other women like me are at this crossroads? I can see the factors in my life that contributed to where I was. My self worth was waning as I struggled with parenting, I wasn’t sure how to define myself anymore, and I had lots of time to obsess about food and my body.

I have other friends who definitely fall into the category of disordered eating. We commiserate together about the ups and downs on the scale, and the half dozen cookies we didn’t mean to eat. We’d stop and start Weight Watchers together, count points together, and “cheat” together. All the while, our self worth was more and more being defined by the successes and failures of our weight loss. As I look around me, I can only guess how many other women are struggling with these issues. But given all the pressures women face today in their daily lives, combined with the added stress of feeling the pressure to look “perfect”, I would guess the number of women about to fall over the precipice is staggering.

Eating disorder treatment centers all over the country are reporting sharp increases in the number of women over 30 seeking help for eating disorders. For now, there are a variety of theories to explain the increase, all of them are undeniable. The same body image issues that may have triggered in eating disorder earlier in life are often still a factor, they are compounded by the additional pressures women face as they grow older, such as parenting struggles, divorce, work, financial instability and of course, an aging body. Ultimately, most eating disorders come down to a strong desire to control something amid an otherwise chaotic life that feels out of control. We may not be able to force our boss to give us  a raise, keep our kids from getting into trouble, make our spouses love us more, but if we can just control what we can put in our mouths, then that will give us the sense that we have regained control of our lives, or at least that’s what someone who has crossed the line into a disorder might think. And when you read some of the facts about eating disorders it’s really a wonder we’re not all rushing to the bathroom after every time we eat. According to Park Nicollet Hospital which offers a treatment center dedicated to eating disorders, the facts are eye opening:

Eighty percent of women are unhappy with their appearance.
The average American woman is 5’4” and weighs 140 pounds. The “ideal” woman portrayed in the media is 5’11” and weighs 117 pounds.
Most eating disorders begin with a weight-loss diet. Thirty-five percent of “normal dieters” progress to unhealthy dieting. Of those, 20 percent to 25 percent progress to partial or full-syndrome eating disorders.
Experts estimate that 10 million females and 1 million males in the United States have an eating disorder. An estimated 5 percent of those with eating disorders die as a direct result of the eating disorder.

Treatment for eating disorders generally requires intense therapy and a supportive environment, and special programs are being specially designed to accomodate the growing number of older women suffering from the disease.

For me personally, my goal is to become a normal eater. And what does a normal eater look like? Ellyn Satter who pioneered the concepts of the feeding relationship and eating competence sums it up pretty well:

“Normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied. It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it—not just stop eating because you think you should. Normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food. Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good. Normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. And it can be udnereating at times and wishing you had more. Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life. In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.”