Before becoming a mother, I was filled with ideas and ideals of how to be a good mother. While rationally, I might have accepted the idea that there is no such thing as the perfect mother, I never really internalized that idea. Which, when I think about it is kind of ironic, since the last thing I would ever call myself in regards to anything is a perfectionist. In fact, if Type A= Perfectionist, surely I must be a Type Z. Nevertheless, filled with knowledge, I went into this new adventure with the belief that I could provide an ideal environment for my children that fostered all of the best qualities I wished to instill in them.

Well, that all pretty much went out the window from the time my labor started and our sacred birth plan was quickly abandoned due to a series of complications — a phrase that could perhaps describe not just the birth of my children, but really motherhood in general. One by one (or sometimes in droves), every ideal I had in regards to parenting and motherhood was quickly refactored into something that made my new experience little more than survivable.

Each time I compromised on my ideals, I felt a little pang, and wondered how another step down in my near-perfect standards would impact my children. I was convinced I was ruining them every time I put on the TV, fed them McDonald’s, lost my patience and screamed at them, left them crying in their room, or chatted with another mom at the playground instead of intently watching every move my child made, lest she injure herself, because, after all, an injury can happen in the blink of an eye (Thank You National SAFE KIDS Campaign for instilling a sense of uberparanoia in me).

And then, one day, a few years ago, I looked at my kids — I mean, really looked at them, reflected on them, observed them. And I realized, actually, they’re pretty terrific kids. They’re smart. They’re kind. They’re creative. They’re well mannered and well behaved (for the most part!). They’re curious, they’re fun, they’re affectionate. They, in short, are all the things I wanted them to be and thought I had to be the perfect mom in order to achieve. But somehow they turned out that way in spite of my less than perfect parenting. And it started to sink in — I AM a good mom, there really is no such thing as ‘perfect’, and that’s a good thing. Because perfect is boring.  My kids, my life, is anything but. And I wouldn’t have it any other way because my life is perfectly imperfect.

I went into my dressing room to try my clothes on, but I couldn’t help wondering what the rest of the story was for this man. Was he working so hard to just make ends meet for himself in one of the wealthiest counties in our nation? Maybe he was supporting his family, putting a child through college, or at least hoping to. What did he do in his native country? Was he a farmer? Or did he have a stall selling fruits and vegetables along side prepaid calling cards? Or maybe he was he a doctor, as many a taxi driver I’ve spoken to have been. Or a professor, or a lawyer, or one of many other white color professions that may have served them well in their home countries, but for which there is little reciprocity in terms of their credentials here in the U.S.

Alas, the clocked ticked, and by the time I was done deciding that nothing I brought in with me was going to work out, I had little time to investigate his life story. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have one. Or any other person that I come into contact with for 3.5 seconds at a time in my day. It’s easy to treat every person that we are not intimately connected with as a cog in the wheel of our life — they are there to keep things turning, making things comfortable for the rest of us, taking our money at the registers, folding clothes we choose not to buy, making our food, and packaging it up for us to take home and feed to our families, sweeping floors, cleaning up after our kids have spilled more food on the floor of a restaurant than what went into their mouths. It’s so easy not to notice them. To go through life as if we are surrounded by ghosts who only give us the slightest hint of their presence through a smile here, an automated “have a nice day” there. But at the end of their shift, they go home and live lives just like we do, putting dinner on the table (or hoping to), wanting the best for their kids, wondering if they’ve made the right choices in life.

My Dad used to tell me that some of the most interesting people he’s ever met were taxi cab drivers. They mostly sit in silence, occasionally perhaps broaching the area of small talk, mentioning the weather or asking about where you are going. You might mention your upcoming girl’s weekend, or a business trip, or a night out on the town in which you opted not to have the responsibility of driving home. But, ask the driver about his story (and I’m not being sexist here, but let’s face it, most taxi drivers are in fact male), and the story you might hear could be one filled with adventure, success, sadness, and pride, all rolled into one. I still remember a taxi ride early one morning to the airport, and probing my driver a little revealed that in Afghanistan, he’d been a brain surgeon, but couldn’t get the proper licensing here to practice medicine, and still needed to support his family that included a terminally ill mother he was caring for. Sure, he could have been making the whole story up to increase the generous tip I had already planned on giving him, but there was such a resignation in his voice that I turned off my cynicism and accepted his tale at face value. For even if it wasn’t true, surely there was tragedy and hope in this man’s life that was worth valuing and believing.

It wasn’t just taxi drivers my Dad talked with. Everyone at the grocery store he frequented not only knew him by name, but knew his family and asked about them frequently, as did he of their families. To my Dad, every person he came into contact with was an opportunity for engagement, exploration, and mind expansion that was symbiotic. That approach towards life is a gift he has endowed me with, though admittedly, it’s one that needs constant fostering. By recognizing that each person has something to offer this world, and taking time to listen and find out what that might be from time to time is an experience that will brighten your world as well as theirs, and brings us all one step closer to understanding the humanity that ties us together.

How many times have you been at a restaurant, or in a store, where the staff didn’t seem to want to give you the time of day — they barely acknowledged your existence. It probably was infuriating. We expect our presence to be recognized by those around us, but how often do you recognize the presence of those around you, except in how they may do something for you? And yet, that’s the lot so many people face, day in, and day out, just moving about as an auto-matron of sorts, there to serve others without any acknowledgement that they exist outside of their current role.

So today when you’re buying your triple grande soy latte at Starbucks (oh, wait, that’s me), or stopping for lunch at whatever McBurgerBellFila fast food joint you frequent, or going through the checkout line with your milk, diapers, and fully cooked rotisserie chicken, remember that the person on the other end is a person worth knowing too. Smile at them, and when they ask you how you are doing, not expecting you to respond with any great fervor, shoot right back at them, and ask them how THEY are doing. Acknowledge their existence and let them know you see them. Because don’t we all really just want that? Don’t we all just want to be seen? To know that we’re alive, not just because we can feel sensations running through our bodies, but because another person can look at us and not just through us.

The world is a gift to all of us, as are the people within it. Let’s all take the time to celebrate that gift just a little more.

Abstract

In 2010, Americans spent nearly $10.7 billion on 9.5 million cosmetic procedures (American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, 2011). Since 1997, the first year in which the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery (ASAPS) began collecting data, there has been a 155% increase in the total number of cosmetic procedures. According to a recent survey, more than half of Americans approve of cosmetic plastic surgery. As surgical and nonsurgical cosmetic procedures become normalized in our culture, changing expectations about age and beauty ideals may be altered in a way that can impact physical, cognitive, social, and emotional development throughout the life cycle. This paper explores the culture of cosmetic medicine, the social implications of its increasing popularity, and the resulting shift in ideologies that can contribute to increasing ageism and the unending quest for unachievable ideals, while also considering a cross cultural perspective and counseling implications.

Literature Review

There has been extensive research on the motivations that drive consumers of cosmetic procedures. While much of the literature focuses on college-age females, some studies have looked at the attitudes of older men and women. Regardless of age, many respondents who have either had one or more cosmetic procedures performed, or approve of cosmetic procedures, place less emphasis on the features for which they sought alterations, and more on the extraphysical benefits of doing so (Adams, 2010). In a study of motivational narratives, Adams found that the most prominent theme for the basis of opting for one or more procedures was “the notion that having surgery would have extraphysical effects, such as increased self-esteem or increased attractiveness to potential partners.” (p. 764). Adams went on to add “there was also an acute cognizance of the societal pressures to look young and attractive, and many respondents suggested that these messages, from media outlets and society in general, played a role in their decisions to have surgery.” (p. 764). The impact of media and the expectations of society are shown to have an impact in virtually every piece of literature reviewed for this paper.

In a study of the factors affecting the likelihood of having cosmetic surgery, Swami et al. found that there is a greater sociocultural pressure on women than men to attain and incorporate beauty ideals, and because these pressures are seen as normative for women, cosmetic surgery can appeal to those seeking a way to feel better about their bodies. (p. 217). Sarwer et al. had similar findings in their study of body image in its relation to the pursuit of cosmetic procedures. Their conclusion revealed that “for many individuals, cosmetic surgery appears to be an adaptive strategy to address body image dissatisfaction … thus, the pursuit of cosmetic surgery may be related to some form of psychopathology, which may be more appropriately treated by psychotherapy than cosmetic surgery.” (p. 107). Indeed, in the same study, breast augmentation patients reported more appearance related teasing, and more frequently used psychotherapy than the control group. (p. 106). In a case study by Lijtmaer (2010), a patient’s preoccupation with her outward appearance was a way to mask her intrapsychic feelings which were a result of unresolved conflicts with her mother.

It’s important to note that the pressures to move closer to an idealized image are not limited to women. Returning to the study by Adams, we see that men are opting for procedures that will make them more attractive to others in the “dating scene” (p. 759) and possibly give them more opportunities in a competitive job market where a younger generation is entering the workforce (p. 757).

Because some findings indicate the presence of a cohort effect from Baby Boomers who tend to feel that their physical age is incongruent with their mental age and are, therefore, more likely to resist aging naturally than pre-Boomers (Clarke, 2007), it is important to examine the motivations behind the largest age cohort in America. (Ferguson, 2010). In their examination of older women’s perceptions of natural and unnatural aging, Clarke and Griffin found that while women who had not had any surgical or non-surgical procedures viewed natural aging as the acceptance of the physical realities of growing older, another group who subscribed to the benefits of cosmetic procedures viewed natural aging as “unattractive, if not objectionable, as well as risky in light of the social and physical realties of growing older.” (p. 198). To this group, using medical technology to enhance or alter their appearance is a requirement of aging as later life becomes “further devalued and socially repugnant in a society underscored by ageist values and norms.” (p. 199). In a study by Slevec and Tiggemann (2010), they proposed and confirmed that aging anxiety defined as a “combined concern and anticipation of losses centered around the aging process” (Lasher, 1993), is a strong component in the decision to pursue cosmetic procedures. Aging anxiety and the pursuit of beauty are reinforced in the media and perpetrated by the cosmetic industry with books like The Wrinkle Cure (2000) by dermatologist Nicholas Perricone (as cited by Bayer, 2005) in which he refers to “wrinkled, sagging skin” as a “disease, and you can fight it”. Additionally, with the emergence of reality television programming touting the life-altering effects of cosmetic procedures while minimizing the risks involved, a normalization of participating in cosmetic enhancements has had a persuasive effect on potential patients. (Slevec, 2010).

While some people argue that age-defying and beauty-enhancing products and procedures can be liberating against the seemingly unstoppable effects of aging, Bayer proposes that such options “buttress the notion that looking old — and thus, being old — is socially, medically, and personally undesirable.” As cosmetic surgery and non-surgical procedures become more affordable in a competitive market, it is important to consider the psychological and social ramifications of body altering procedures. (Gilmartin, 2010). In her review of current literature, Gilmartin concludes that the medical system “bolsters and benefits from the larger consumer-orientated society by colluding with the beauty ideal and cultural mores.” (p. 1807). In a report on ethical challenges within the cosmetic surgery industry, Atiyeh et al. also concluded that physicians participating in the selling of cosmetic services and offering aesthetic services face inherent conflicts of interest, pointing out that it becomes “ethically suspect, breaching obligations of beneficence and honesty, when a physician trades on the status of doctor to sell a clinically unproven product (2008).” In so doing, not only is the culture at large exploited through their insecurities and poor body image, but those with psychopathologies such as eating disorders and body dysmorphic disorder are at greater risk of exacerbating their condition through procedures which by virtue of their disorder can not produce the results they seek. (p. 1804).

Discussion

The increasing popularity in cosmetic surgery and non-surgical procedures seems to take us down a slippery slope. Where does one draw the line between getting a pedicure, putting on lipstick, using Botox injections, or having abdominoplasty (tummy tuck)? By participating in a beauty culture, are we adding to our potential or entering into a vicious cycle of body dissatisfaction? According to Sarwer, some studies have revealed continued improvements in psychological functioning in the first year following cosmetic surgery. However, Sarwer also points out it is possible that “improvements may diminish, particularly if they are related to the frequency of positive feedback patients receive about their postoperative appearance.” (p. 109). More studies need to be done to research the long-term psychological impact of cosmetic surgery, particularly in a culture of medicine where many surgeons’ mantra is said to be ‘start early, do often’, (Gilmartin, 2010), a philosophy internalized by many pro-cosmetic procedure participants across numerous studies reviewed for this paper. Additionally, with 19% of cosmetic procedures performed on racial and ethnic minorities in 2010, more research needs to be done on the relationship between the work being done and its psychological impact on members of different cultures who have to mitigate the ideals from their own cultures with those of a new culture in which they desire to become a part of.

Though ideals of beauty change over time as a result of many influences, Western cultures, and in particular, white cultures seem to dominate the ethos of beauty. In Lijtmaer’s review of the literature, she found numerous studies that point to an increase in body dissatisfaction as non-white groups become acculturated into American culture. (pp. 205-207). With the current widening in socioeconomic gaps, access to cosmetic procedures could further reinforce the difference in status between the haves and have nots, which may be delineated across cultures with minority groups in lower income brackets and less access to expensive procedures.

Another concern I have is the possible pressure exerted on those who otherwise have a healthy body image and self perception. As cosmetic procedures become more accepted and affordable, we run the risk that it becomes a new standard and practice in which we are to participate if we wish to be deemed normal. Take for example the predominantly female practice of hair removal. Though women may not want to participate in the practice, in American culture, it is seen as socially unacceptable to have hair on the legs and underarms, and indeed, according to Toerien et al., “body hair is a flaw, unfit for public display”, (2005). Therefore, women practice hair removal as a necessary part of maintaining femininity, an act, which Toerien suggests serves to “reinforce the view that underpins all the body-changing procedures, from make-up application to cosmetic surgery: that a women’s body is unacceptable if left unaltered.” (p. 400). So, although at this time, I choose not to color my hair, accepting the gray as it comes with age, there may come a time when I am competing for a job, or perhaps even a mate, against peers who participate more extensively in the beauty culture and present a younger facade which in turn may give them an advantage — an advantage that I too could obtain by making similar choices. So one can be faced with giving in to a new norm or facing the consequences of trying to stay true to oneself.

There is no denying the inherent appeal of beauty throughout animal nature. Birds have their plumage to attract a mate, flowers have bright, bold colors to attract their pollinators, male lions have large manes to intimidate their opponents. All of these attributes signify their potential ability to be successful in their environment, surviving challenges and attracting a mate to produce offspring. It could be and has been argued that humans, in this regard, are no different, at the basic level, which provides a basis for our quest for youth and beauty. If, at our core, our purpose is to pro-create, then we are likely to seek out those who reflect the ability to successfully do so. However, as humans, we have the benefit of higher thinking to take in a bigger picture when assessing the desirability of others, whether we are seeking a mate, an employee, a friend, or a nanny. What alarms me about the rising numbers of people seeking cosmetic procedures is that it places an increasing importance on outward appearance while potentially diminishing the value of what is inside. As discussed in depth by Namir (2006), when the outward body becomes the ultimate means for expression through transformation, a person risks abandoning the inside for the outside. In Namir’s interpretation of one patient’s decision to have procedures done, she chose to hide “in homogenization, looking as the world deemed attractive rather than emerging from her own aliveness, radiance, sensuality and self-expression.” (p. 218).

Counseling Considerations

The counseling considerations in relation to the booming cosmetic surgery industry are wide reaching since its impact spans all four domains of development across the stages. As children enter into adolescence and face changes in their bodies, pressure to make their bodies conform to physical ideals that may only be met through unnatural means could lead to risky behaviors such as disordered eating. At a time when identity formation is at its peak, increasing emphasis on physical appearance can lead to a devaluation on internal qualities that make up the identity. As a person continues throughout the life cycle, the pursuit of physical ideals might lead to continued disappointments as an individual tries in vain to live up to fabricated ideals that hold no basis in reality. Maintaining a focus on superficial traits can influence social relationships as a person forms personal connections with others based on externally formed values. And while the long term physical affects of plastic surgery and more recent cosmetic procedures have yet to be extensively measured, it seems impossible to escape at least some negative physical ramifications of these procedures.

Interventions

As clients evaluate their own self worth in the therapeutic setting, it is important to consider the impact of the beauty culture within which we live and work with clients to set standards for self evaluation that are less dependent on external measures while also allowing for the inevitable pressures placed on us by society to look our best on the outside regardless of how we feel on the inside. With patients who are considering or have already used cosmetic procedures to enhance their self perception, counselors should evaluate the goals the patient ultimately believes they will attain by having procedures done and work to understand the underlying psychopathologies that may be contributing to a diminished self image. Interventions could include working with a client to discover internal measures of value, focusing on past accomplishments that occurred irrespective of the client’s physical appearance, and working on goals that can continue to build on a person’s inner qualities. Also, since a focus on external appearance may be a coping mechanism for masking interpsychic conflicts (Lijtmaer, 2010), a greater understanding of unresolved issues that may have arisen even far in the past may present a relevant context for their attitudes and allow for an opportunity of resolution.

As a counselor, I would have to be cognizant of my own body image and views on cosmetic surgery. Past struggles with an eating disorder and defining my value based on physical appearance predisposes me to judgements about others in decisions they make based on their own physical appearances, particularly when they engage in surgical and non-surgical cosmetic procedures. Prior to researching this topic, I felt certain that in most cases, a patient’s body image and overall psychic well being would not benefit long term from cosmetic procedures because my assumption was they were focusing on external, easily manipulated “problems” rather than focusing on deeper issues that may present bigger challenges a patient is not ready to face. While that may be the case for some, I would need to remind myself that each person presents different experiences and therefore different responses to those experiences and some may in fact benefit from the very procedures I naturally find myself opposed to.

References

Adams, J. (2010). Motivational narratives and assessments of the body after cosmetic surgery. Qualitative Health Research 20(6), 755-767.
American Society of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, Cosmetic Surgery National Data Bank Statistics, 2010.
Atiyeh, B., Rubeiz, M., & Hayek, S. (2008). Aesthetic/cosmetic surgery and ethical challenges. Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, 32, 829-839.
Bayer, K. (2005). Cosmetic surgery and cosmetics: redefining the appearance of age. Generations, Fall 2005, 13-18.
Clarke, L.H., & Griffin, M. (2006). The body natural and the body unnatural: beauty work and aging. Journal of Aging Studies, 21, 187-201.
Ferguson, R. & Brohaugh, B. (2010). The aging of Aquarius. Journal of Consumer Marketing, 27/1, 76-81.
Gilmartin, J. (2010). Contemporary cosmetic surgery: the potential risks and relevance for practice. Journal of Clinical Nursing, 20, 1801-1809.
Lasher, K.P., & Faulkender, P.J. (1993). Measurement of aging anxiety: development of the anxiety about aging scale. International Journal of Aging & Human Development, 37, 247-259.
Lijtmaer, R. (2010). The beauty and the beast inside: the American beauty — does cosmetic surgery help? Journal of the American Academy of Psychoanalysis and Dynamic Psychiatry, 38 (2), 203-218.
Namir, S. (2006). Embodiments and disembodiments: the relation of body modifications to two psychoanalytic treatments. Psychoanalysis, Culture & Society, 11, 217-223.
Sarwer, D.B., & Crerand, C.E. (2004). Body image and cosmetic medical treatments. Body Image 1, 99-111.
Slevec, J., & Tiggemann, M. (2010). Attitudes toward cosmetic surgery in middle-aged women: body image, aging anxiety, and the media. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 34, 65-74.
Swami, V., Arteche, A., Chamorro-Premuzic, T., Furnham, A., Stieger, S., Haubner, T., & Voracek, M. (2008). Looking good: factors affecting the likelihood of having cosmetic surgery. European Journal of Plastic Surgery, 30, 211-218. DOI: 10.1007/ s00238-007-0185-z
Torien, M., Wilkonson, S., & Choi, P.Y.L. (2005). Body hair removal: the ‘mundane’ production of normative femininity. Sex Roles, 52, Nos. 5/6, 399-406. DOI: 10.1007/ s11199-005-2682-5.

After nearly three years of work, my novel, Confessions of a Failed Anorexic is finally available! Here is the description as it reads on Amazon:

Sarah Thompson went on her first diet when she was seven years old, and has been on a dieting roller coaster ever since. Longing for what she doesn’t have, the unfulfilled stay-at-home mom goes on a journey of self discovery tainted by the pursuit of a perfect body. An unlikely friendship with fun-loving and thin-obsessed Stacy Vargus leads Sarah down a path she believes will bring her closer to a world she has spent a lifetime chasing, only to realize it doesn’t exist. An unexpected reunion with an old friend unleashes a passion for life Sarah had long forgotten, giving her a new lens through which to view her world.

This debut novel by Michelle Cantrell offers an entertaining twist on keeping up with the Joneses while revealing the dangers of losing oneself to the superficial status symbols of suburban life.

Sharing this with the VenusVision community, I am aware that some readers may be fighting an eating disorder. For that reason, I would like to share what I wrote about the title in my novel.

Being involved in the Eating Disorder Community, I’m sensitive to the emotions Confessions of a Failed Anorexic might elicit in some. The reason I chose the title is that for much of my life, that’s how I felt. Years of disordered eating skewed my thinking to the point that I believed an eating disorder would bring me happiness in the form of a thin body. I was naive in thinking that if I could somehow become anorexic, I could control the eating disorder. Though I never did become anorexic, I periodically practiced starvation and purging, and was eventually diagnosed with an Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS). I finally sought help when thoughts of food and hatred towards my body, combined with destructive behaviors dominated every moment of my life.

Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes and as many as 10 million females in the United States suffer from an eating disorder. Despite the fact that eating disorders have the highest mortality of any mental disorder, the majority of people with severe eating disorders do not receive adequate care. (National Eating Disorders Association, 2008)

It is my hope that this novel will demonstrate how the destructive nature of disordered eating can easily cross over into an eating disorder, and bring life and death complications with it. After recovering from my own eating disorder, I began discovering all life has to offer when one isn’t entirely devoted to achieving an arbitrary ideal of beauty and thinness. I hope that others can find the same hope and begin to aim for more in life than a number on the scale.

At this time, the novel is only available on the Kindle. If you don’t have a Kindle, there are still many devices for which a free Kindle reader application is available, such as PCs, Macs, iPads, iPhones, Droids and Blackberrys. To download a free app, go to Amazon.

I am hoping in the future there will be a print edition. Until then, I hope you will share my novel with anyone who has ever struggled with body image and their relationship with food.

Note: This book contains content that may be triggering for some who are suffering from or in recovery from an eating disorder.

Confessions of a Failed Anorexic

Now I’m not so sure. Why should I be cautious with my optimism? Why can’t I just be optimistic outright? Yes, holding back on optimism is a way of protecting ourselves from disappointment, but by expecting less than the best from our futures are we shorting ourselves on the power of hope?

Just because I am optimistic doesn’t mean I am not being realistic. I am well qualified for the graduate program to which I have applied, and feel that I would make an excellent student within the program. But I know that there may be more well qualified people than openings in the program, and regardless of my expectations, I will be disappointed if I am not admitted into the program. Being cautious about my feelings really won’t provide much buffer against that disappointment, and the reality is, disappointment is a part of life. It’s how we learn to grow, adapt, change, and find new paths. It is not something to shield ourselves from, but instead channel into something purposeful.

How do you approach your future? Do you live your life expecting the worst to avoid being let down or do you open your hear to the endless possibilities life holds for you?

The spare bedroom in our house is known as ‘the office’. Although the only piece of furniture that now occupies the room is a futon which is usually pulled out in the bed position and covered in toys that have spilled over from our kids’ rooms, it once served as a home office for my husband. And, even though he moved his office into the basement more than a year ago, the bedroom which has become our guest/play room will likely forever be known to us as ‘the office’.

Fortunately, our spare bedroom doesn’t have an identity that is being warped by conflicting ideas of who it is and who it should be based on past experiences. People, on the other hand, are different.

An individual’s identity develops over time, shifting and growing with each life experience. But sometimes it becomes easy to get wrapped up in maintaining a piece of your identity from the past even if it may not reflect who and where you are now. This can be physical, as in “I am dieting to get back to the body I had in high school”. Or it can be emotional, where one might lament what they see as a loss in the life they had in the past, as in a parent longing for the care-free days of their pre-child life.

While past experiences are an important part of who we are today, remaining tied to the past can lead to feelings of frustration and discontent. Instead of hanging on to who you “used to be”, concentrate on who you are now, reflect on the positive things, and consider what you might change for the better — not in an effort to get back to the past, but instead to move toward a better future.

Have you been trying to go back in time? What would happen if you let go of the person you “used to be”?

But the reality is, the number on that little label that no one ever sees indicates absolutely nothing about me — not my health, not my beauty,  not my worth. And if that’s the case, why should that little number affect me positively or negatively.

I remember a few years ago, when I had worked hard to lose a lot of weight, counting every calorie, and working out every single day to the point of exhaustion, my prize when I reached my goal weight was to buy a pair of expensive designer jeans. But when I got to my goal weight, and tried on a pair in the size that I thought should fit me, I was disappointed to find them to be too small. And I let that be my measure of success — a measure I had not yet lived up to.

Now, a good 30 pounds heavier than I was at that time, I know I don’t need to wear a pair of designer jeans or fit into a certain size to mark my success at good health.

Do you let the number on a tag determine your success?

I could go in to details about the things that were bringing me down, but ultimately, I see them as irrelevant. Given the mindset I was in, if it hadn’t been those particular things I was latching on to as a reason to feel blue, it just would have been something else. After a month or more of feeling this way, I finally decided to speak to the one person outside of my marriage that has always understood me and offered me sage advice: my Dad. I was eager to pour my heart out to him, hear his sympathy end empathy as he felt the injustices of the events I would portray to him.

It didn’t quite go as planned.

I did pour my heart out, and he did listen. And he was sympathetic to my feelings. But ultimately his response could be summed up by the phrase “get over it”. No, he didn’t actually say those words. And he didn’t use that tone with me. But the gist of what he said, no matter what I threw his way, was “You can not look to others to bring you contentment in life. You have to look within yourself.” I wanted to scream. That’s not at all what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear:

“Wow, honey, that’s really terrible. You have every right to be upset.”

or

“I agree that you should be mad. Let me see what I can do about it.” (This, even though I’m nearly 39 years old.)

or

“Things sound really tough right now. Here’s what you should do.”

Well, I guess he did tell me what I should do, but it wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

He also told me a story of a woman he had known years ago who was dying of cancer and was bitter and angry about everything in her life — a jerk of a husband who had left her in the middle of her illness, and of course, the illness itself. My dad’s advice to her was to to take just one day to live in the present, and observe everything around her, every act she did, as if she was seeing and doing it for the first time. I know it sounds like a simple task, but after she took his advice, she reported back to him that it was the most amazing experience. She felt the lather of her shampoo as she washed her hair, she noticed the warmth of the water while doing the dishes, she heard the birds chirping, and saw the trees swaying in the wind. Yes, she was still dying, but without focusing on what was going to happen at some unknown time in the future, she was able to enjoy living in the time she had right then and there.

Still, after hearing the story, I thought what does this story about a woman dying of cancer have to do with me? I went home after our lunch and sulked some more. After all of these years of my Dad knowing exactly what to say to me, how could he be so off the mark this time.

But, the more I thought about his words, the more I opened myself up to them and let them sink in. After all, isn’t that what I am always telling everyone else? Isn’t that what my messages on VenusVision are all about? Finding contentment from within? Living in the present? I can’t dole out advice but with conditions. I can’t dole out advice and then not follow it. (Ok, I know everyone does that, but this is pretty important advice to follow.)

The morning after our lunch, I woke up and made a decision. I wasn’t going to be down anymore. I focused on the little things and saw them with the wonder they deserved. When you really think about it, isn’t every little thing in our life a miracle?

For more than a month, I had felt as though my heart had just shut down. I wanted to find the on switch, but just didn’t know where to look. After hearing the words of my father, I was able to look and see that it was always right there inside me and all I needed to do was turn it on again.* Once again, I take time each day to be thankful of all I have in my life and reach inside to find the contentment I know is there, ready to be received.

* Though I was feeling down for what to me seemed like a prolonged period of time, I want to make the distinction between what I was feeling and what someone goes through with clinical depression. In no way do I wish for my experience to undermine that of someone with a serious mental illness.

By Michelle Market, LPC

Imagine quiet amongst the chaos of your daily to-do’s. Imagine uninterrupted time during your day to focus on your breathing and slowing down. When you allow your mind to quiet down, how do you feel? Is it uncomfortable? Why might you avoid slowing down? These are questions to give some consideration as you begin to implement the practice of meditation.

It is possible to slow down, although it often needs to be intentional and, initially, rehearsed. Picture the first time you learned to ride a bike. You did not do it perfectly the first time. You fell, bumped into things – you started slowly. Learning the art of meditation and quieting your mind can sometimes feel like the same process.

When was the last time you sat in silence for any extended period of time? Meditation not only is a healthy coping skill to handle stress, but it is also a tool to help us tune in with ourselves. Quieting our mind results in becoming more centered. When we have slowness in our day we develop greater awareness of what is going on in our mind, body and with our emotions.

Steps to incorporate meditation into your day:

Choose a time in the day that is most conducive to your meditation practice. (All you need is 5 minutes). Initially, it is helpful to set a timer (start at 5 minutes).

Find a space where you can sit comfortably. Sit up tall with your legs uncrossed. Have your hands open and palms up. Close your eyes.

Find a word to focus on that will illicit a calm response. For example, peace, acceptance, slow, breathe.

When you have other thoughts that enter your mind picture them as clouds floating through the sky and then focus back on the calming word that you had chosen, refer to this as your mantra.

Take notice of taking slow, intentional deep breaths. Inhaling through the nose and exhaling through the mouth.

Though there are many different ways to meditate, here are five types of meditations that may be easier to incorporate into your day:

Candle Meditation: Light a candle and place your focus on the flicker of the flame. When your mind begins to drift, re-center your focus back on the candle.

Walking Meditation: Find a path to walk (preferably a scenic route). Take notice of slowing down your steps one foot in front of the other. Take notice of slowing your breathing. Take notice of the scenery, the flowers, the trees and the grass as you connect with nature.

Cleaning Meditation: Turn any chore into a mini-escape. Take focus on the rhythmic nature of the chore. For example, if you are washing dishes, notice the sound of the water, take notice of the soap bubbles and take notice of your breathing. Use your calming word to re-center.

Car Mediation: While driving to work or running your errands turn off the music and drive in silence. Make a conscious decision to practice deep breathing.

Breathing Meditation: A simple way to incorporate calm into the day is committing to taking 3 deep breaths at different times throughout the day. You can use different transitions as a reminder to breathe such as before meals, before checking email, before starting the day. You will be amazed at the calming effect of just changing the way you breathe will make.

To sit without any judgment and to invite slowness is a gift of compassion to ourselves. Be patient in the process and start slowly. Begin to look forward to this pause within your day. Make the commitment to incorporate this self-care tool on a daily basis.

“I commit to 5 minutes of quiet each day.”

As you begin this practice on an on-going basis, you will start to look forward to this time of the day and will notice the days that you skipped. Meditation provides a bridge to create peace within ourselves.

Michelle Market, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Wellness Coach with more than 10 years of experience in Wellness and Women’s issues. She is dedicated to helping females feel better physically and emotionally. She has a private practice in Herndon, Virginia and works with Adults. Michelle provides counseling, coaching and workshops. She specializes in self-esteem and healthy food relationships. Her mission is to create and maintain positive change in the lives of her clients. She believes that beauty comes from the inside out. For more information visit her website www.michellemarket.com.

When Your Personal and Professional Lives Collide, You Can’t Control the Wind But You Can Adjust Your Sails

By Barbara M. LaRock

Image via Flickr, courtesy of QuiteLucid

As you begin to think about bringing more balance into your life, consider the following set of 12 rules from a brochure on white water rafting safety. They’re relevant and applicable to the choices we all make as we decide how to live our lives.

1. Decide before you start if you’re going to steer from the front or back
2. Someone has to be elected to call out orders clearly.
3. Take rest in calm places.
4. Never stop paddling even when it seems hopeless.
5. If you get into trouble, don’t panic.
6. Don’t be surprised if the boat doesn’t go where you want it to go.
7. On a raft, the more activity on the left, the boat goes right, and vice versa.
8. If you go under, let go of everything and you will float.
9. Everyone paddles, but the current always takes you.
10. Trust the boat and if you are in white water, hold on.
11. Remember, white water is what you came for, so enjoy it.
12. The people in the boat are the ones who will pull you out of the water if you go overboard, and they are also the people with whom you must eat supper.

Keep these rules in mind as you negotiate your own white water. They’re definitely points to ponder if you, like most people, are struggling to fit together all the pieces of your life. As you are probably all too well aware, most people today are overscheduled, over-committed and generally overwhelmed. This kind of over scheduling can leave you running on empty and desperate about how to improve your situation.

For people with children, the impact of this imbalance can be serious when you consider that as parents, you are your children’s first and most important teachers. Your kids are always learning from you and will copy into their own lives the way you live your life. Following are examples of things your children learn from you. In fact, they’re important areas to examine whether or not you have children.

• How you manage time and what choices you make about how you spend your time
• What priority you place on the relationships in your life
• How you handle both professional and personal stress
• How you share responsibilities such as chores at home or responsibilities at work
• What place hobbies and interests play in your life
• How you handle free time–days off, weekends or vacation

The lesson for all of us to learn is that it’s up to each individual to create a life that is balanced, a life that s/he loves. No one can do it for you. It’s your responsibility. It’s not healthy to keep saying, “if it weren’t for this” or “if it weren’t for that, everything would be great.” Nor is it healthy to put your satisfaction in the future, e.g., when the kids or older, or when you or your spouse get a raise, or when you finish a project, etc. Remember: Life is not a dress rehearsal. Your future is now.

An important part of developing self-awareness is to take some time to think about your priorities–to identify the areas that are important to you. Priorities are individual–what’s important to one person may not be important to another and vice versa. To that end, consider a few questions whose answers may prove quite revealing to you. Ask yourself: What do I really want for my life? When you consider this question, what comes to your mind first? Do you want more rest? More exercise? A promotion? More time alone? More time with family or friends? A new home? To telecommute? To expand your business? List everything that comes
into your mind.

Take a look at all that you’ve just written and ask yourself if your desires are really your desires or are they meant to please someone else. Also ask yourself if your desires are ones you think you should have rather than desires you truly want. “Shoulds” can get you into difficulty. Now that you’ve considered what’s important to you, prioritize these areas. In other words, put them in order of their importance to you. Then ask yourself how much time and attention the top priority items are receiving. This activity will help you see areas that are out of balance–areas that matter to you but aren’t getting enough of your time and attention and aren’t being nourished.

By becoming self-aware you’ve determined what matters to you. The next step in creating a balanced life is very important. You must learn to respect and protect what’s important to you. This means your schedule and the way you live your life should reflect your priorities. A crucial piece here is to stop reacting to life and ask yourself what causes you to lose site of your priorities. What or whom do you allow to get in your way? You are in the driver’s seat–not circumstances. There are no victims, only volunteers.

Think about when you’re on a plane listening to the flight attendant explain emergency depressurization procedures. You’ve all heard the flight attendant remind passengers traveling with someone who is dependent on them to put their own oxygen mask on first so they can be available to the dependent person. The bottom line The bottom line is you have to care for yourself first. This is not selfish–it’s taking care of yourself so that you can be available to those who matter to you and depend on you. You have to learn to say no to anything that doesn’t respect your priorities. This is how you honor and protect what’s important to you. It’s simple, but definitely not easy. If you’re a people pleaser, this can be especially hard.

A rule that’s attributed to the Dalai Llama is a simple formula that will help you protect your priorities:  Respect for self, respect for others, responsibility for all your actions.

Here are some tips to help you honor and respect the priorities you’ve identified:

• When you notice yourself feeling overwhelmed, ask yourself: what’s really happening – what’s going on and, what am I really feeling. Answering these questions will help ground you.
• You can’t maintain your sense of balance and grounding unless your basic needs are met.
• Remind yourself to give thought to what you want, what you choose and what you prefer rather than what you should want or ought to be doing.
• Identify the free time that you do have. Obvious free time is easy to identify. Most of us have a lot more free time than we realize, we just haven’t learned to recognize this “hidden” time and we let it pass away unnoticed. This free time usually won’t be a large block of time, but is most likely made up of small pieces of time. Examples of free time we may not realize we have are: waiting in traffic or riding Metro; standing in line at the bank or the DMV; your lunch or coffee break; waiting for doctor/dentist appointments; time on business trips–on planes, waiting in airports, eating alone.
• You’ve prioritized important areas in your life. Now think about what you need to do to reach your goal of spending more time on those areas. Ask yourself what small steps you can take to reach your goal. For example, if a priority for you is to spend more time on a hobby or interest, take a class or learn from a friend. If spending more time with a spouse/partner is a priority, identify what time you both have so you can reach your goal. You might try to set up a “date” night once a week or meet for lunch on a regular basis.
• If you want to read more, ask yourself what free times are available to you so you can read. You may want to carry a book with you so it’s handy when you have some “hidden” free time.
• Identify the things that revitalize and refresh you and make time for them–exercising, reading, visiting with friends, watching a favorite TV program, spiritual or religious time, or just being alone.
• Identify and eliminate things (including people and places) that bother you and drain your energy. Determine what you can delegate at work and at home. For instance, if you let family members choose a chore they have interest in doing, they’re more likely to do it with minimum grumbling. A word of caution: if you delegate, be careful about criticizing those who do things differently than you do. Also, remember to show appreciation. A word of thanks goes a long way. When people feel valued and recognized for what they’ve done, they’re much more likely to do it again — and willingly.
• Shop via catalog or on the Web. Use services that pick up and deliver such as dry cleaners and copy services. Order office products online. Delivery is fast. Hire a housecleaner if you can afford it.
• If your child is in day care, if it’s at all feasible, check in on him/her during your workday. This is obviously a lot easier if your child is in on site day care. However, new software enables you to actually see your child in day care from your computer. If your children are at home alone after school, have them call you or you call them during the time they’re at home alone. You’ll be more productive at work if you’re not worrying.
• Find a gym with a day care center such as a YMCA. If you have a small child, consider a jogging stroller.
• If you have a spouse, negotiate time alone–everyone needs time alone! If you have children during your alone time, the other spouse spends time with the children. Then the spouse whose had the time off reciprocates with supervision of the children.
• Set aside a family evening–take turns suggesting what games to play. Rent a movie–take turns choosing the movie or build a model together. Try to find a place in your house for a jigsaw puzzle for everyone to work on.
• Find a convenient place in your home for a master calendar and enter everyone’s activities and commitments on that calendar so you can see at a glance where jam up times are and what the best times for couple and family activities are.
• Set aside a special place, perhaps near the back door, for each child to have a “storage area” such as a plastic box to keep their own lunch boxes, boots, mittens, backpacks, sports gear and other belongings.
• Let children participate in menu planning during the week or on weekends, whichever works best for you. Then let the kids participate in cooking AND cleanup.
• When you first come home from work, be aware of and let your spouse and family know what kind of transition time you need. Talk about that transition time and work with your spouse and family so you get what you need.
• If you travel on business, telephone your family every night and talk about their day as well as yours. Send e-mails. Consider sending a postcard. These things keep everyone feeling connected and cared about.

Finally, give yourself credit for the effort and time you put into the steps that will lead you to your goal of achieving a more balanced life. As with anything new, you may find yourself experiencing some stops starts and course corrections. Progress is never a straight line forward; to be sure, there have to be steps forward, but it’s normal and indeed expected to have some backsliding and some plateaus. Don’t give up. Creating balance and a life you love will give you a better, more fulfilling life and will make you even more productive in your professional life. An added bonus if you have children is that you will be giving them the gift of priceless lessons for life from their first and most important teacher.

Barbara M. LaRock, M.Ed., offers life, leadership and career coaching as well as organizational training.  Her firm is located in Reston, VA.  Her background prior to coaching includes teaching, advising and mentoring students; designing and directing training programs for trade and professional associations; and organizational training involving presentation and facilitation of workshops and seminars. Barbara’s coaching specializes in life-related and career areas with her individual clients and provides them with encouragement, support and challenge as they focus on transition and change in their personal and professional lives. Her clients find more enjoyment in their everyday lives and become even more productive on the job. For more information, visit her web site Barbara LaRock.

Copyright 2010

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