5 Things I Learned In My 30s

Getting older occasionally has its advantages. One thing we hope for is a little bit of wisdom here and there. I would never claim to be wise — I’ll leave that to the old bearded man sitting on top of the mountain — but I do think I’ve learned a few things in my 30s. Each piece of wisdom I have gained was there for the taking earlier in life, but perhaps because of the phase of life I was in, I was unable to see it. As my wise father always says, “It’s developmental.” But maybe if I shed a little light on a few of my own secrets, I can help a few others see things in a new light themselves.

I learned:

1. ) How to love my body, at any size.

When I was 9 months pregnant pushing 200 pounds (having gained 50 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight), my husband still couldn’t keep his hands off me. He has always found my body beautiful at my lowest weight and at my highest. So why shouldn’t I? Of course I realize it’s not as easy as saying “Oh, well he/she/they think I’m beautiful, so I must be.” Our confidence in our body must come from within and not depend on the opinions of others. And it has taken me 30-something years, and the birth of two children for me to learn what an amazing thing my body is. I respect its accomplishments both big and small, and as I grow older I want to treat my body right so that it can carry me through the future.

2.) That I love being active.
I love to run, but anything beyond that, I never had the ambition or confidence to try a sport. As a kid I always wanted to play soccer, but I did not share my wishes with my parents and so I just ignored my desires to be active, instead opting for hours of TV time. In high school, I tried out for the track team, but found it too rigorous for me at the time and consequently gave up on being active all together. After that, here and there I would try to get fit, but more out of an attempt to change my body and lose weight than for the joy of being active.

But after the birth of my first daughter, I was fortunate enough to have some time to try and figure out exactly what it was that I enjoy. I took up running again, and this time stuck with it, eventually running three half marathons to date. (A full marathon is yet to come!) I spent two years taking Karate, nine months of which were during my second pregnancy. I continued right up until a week before my second daughter was born, and even with a c-section, I was back after only 3 weeks. Karate really kept me in shape during my pregnancy and I fully believe helped to speed my recovery. Eventually I received the lowest level of black belt before I moved on to other activities.

Later, I discovered a love for biking and swimming, and eventually combined that love with my passion for running and participated in my first triathlon. I was hooked and can’t wait to do more!

The difference between my half-hearted attempts to get fit in the past, and my unfailing commitment to fitness these days is that I don’t focus on the number of calories I am burning. Instead, I am conscious of the feeling it gives me, not just in the moment (or when I am finished) but overall. I feel strong, powerful and healthy. And, if I don’t make it to the gym for a week or two because life has thrown a curve ball, I don’t have to berate myself since I am not going just for the sake of looking better.

3.) That I am not a super mom, that being a stay at home mom is not the answer to my personal fulfillment. And that’s ok.

Before I had my first daughter, I worked for a large internet company. While it was definitely fun to work there during the the hey-day of dot.com boom (no, I wasn’t one of the dot.com millionaires) I quickly realized working in the corporate environment was not my thing. I had no desire to move up in the company, and was pretty much biding my time until I had kids, at which point I knew I wanted to stay home.

But when I actually came home with my first daughter, I discovered that I wasn’t a natural after all. Between the crazy post partem hormones, sleepless nights, round-the-clock nursing and colic, I quickly felt like I was losing my mind and questioned my ability to be a full time mom. I know a lot of those feelings are normal in the beginning, but there has always been a part of me that wondered if my children would be better off in someone else’s full time care, while I went back to work. The trouble was there wasn’t any work I could think of that I’d rather be doing than taking care of my children. A conundrum indeed! So I continued to stay at home, feeling incompetent and trying to keep up with my friends and all they were doing with their own kids the same age. But as my kids have gotten older, I have begun to realize something. They’re pretty great kids. They’re polite and well mannered. They are compassionate towards others. They’re loving. They’re smart and creative. They’re all around fabulous human beings. So I’ve concluded that I must being doing something right! I may not be the mom that sits down on the floor all day and plays with my kids. But I enjoy being with them, and we find other ways to enjoy each other’s company. I may not take them to art museums, plays, and concerts. But they love music, science and drama. I still lose my patience with them. I still sometimes say ‘no’ more times than I like, but I finally realized that my strengths as a parent are not lost on them.

4.) How to dress for my body.

Once I hit puberty, I had a peripheral interest in fashion, but without some lessons on what looks good on ME, I generally failed to pull together flattering, stylish outfits. Looking back at pictures of me in late teens and early 20s, I sometimes wonder, “What was I thinking?” when I put that on. But then came Stacy & Clinton from “What Not to Wear”, a popular show on The Learning Channel. Although I had started to come into my own sense of style before then, I learned some important lessons about what kind of clothes would flatter my pear shaped figure. I learned to be more objective about clothing, and pay less attention to the size on the label than how it fit my shape.

I don’t encourage women to obsess over their appearance, or constantly worry about how they are being judged on their appearance by others. But there is something empowering about feeling good in the clothes on your body. It gives a feeling of self confidence and lifts your spirit. Have you ever tried putting on a favorite outfit that you always feel good in when you are feeling down? Just like putting on a false smile causes a chemical reaction in your body that releases good feeling hormones, looking good on the outside can seep into your inner spirit and make you feel good on the inside.

5.) If someone stops petting you, move on.
I read this one in a book, and have made it a personal philosophy. One advantage to getting older is that a lot of things you worried about when you were younger are no longer a source of stress. In our teens and 20s, we usually spend a lot of time worrying about what others think of us, and consequently trying to please them. When a fair weather friend would stop returning my calls, I would fret over what I had done. Did I say something offensive without realizing it? Did I commit some major social faux paus? Or worse, was I just not cool enough/interesting enough/smart enough/attractive enough? And then I realized, none of that mattered. If my friendship is not worth the effort to others to maintain, then THEY are not worthy of my friendship and I move on. If I offend a friend, I expect them to tell me and clear the air. If they simply hold a grudge, or I worry over what I might have done, then both parties are only bathing themselves in self defeating negative energy.

So, what have you learned as you grow older?

Do Numbers Rule Your Life?

Do you count the number of calories you eat and/or burn each day? Do you start each day determining your mood by the number on a scale? Do you feel good or bad depending on the number on the inside label of your pants? Are you old because of the number of candles that were on your last birthday cake?

Numbers: We place a lot of value in them. We see numbers as concrete, black and white dependable values. Numbers can be a source of comfort with the order they provide in our chaotic lives. We know there will always be 365 days in a year (ok, except for leap years). We know there will always be 7 days in a week. We know there will always 24 hours in a day (no matter how much we keep wishing for more).  These things don’t change and we can plan our life events around them.

Similarly, if you have one dollar, you know, without a doubt, that you are in possession of 100 cents — not 101 cents, not 99 cents, but always 100 cents. If something is 100 years old, we know that it has existed for exactly 100 years — non 101 years, not 99 years, but 100 years. Although these numbers can change, we always know exactly how to interpret them in these situations. Yes, numbers can be variable, but we tend to think their value always holds true.

Let me remind you, however, that the values of numbers do not remain consistent. An easy example is currency. Although one dollar will always be equal to 100 cents, the value of that dollar can fluctuate greatly, as we have seen in the recent economic conditions. And, while initially we assume something that is 100 years old to be old, if we are talking about something like a tree in the middle of the Redwood Forest, 100 years is practically a juvenile.

It is values like these that we assign to numbers that end up taking control of our lives. Numbers are no longer just numbers. They signify our worth. They tell us whether or not we are young or old, smart or dumb, fat or thin, etc. But who assigns the values to each of the numbers that signify these things? While generally there are standards to go by, we ourselves  ultimately place the values on the numbers by which we most frequently gauge our happiness and success.

If you step on the scale daily, or even weekly, you know exactly what I mean. No matter what your mood is before you step on a scale, the number on that square-shaped mechanical device will have the ultimate say over your outlook for the rest of the day. If it is a “good” number, it validates your success as a person, and you can go about your day with a smile on your face. If it is a “bad” number, you are a failure and your mood will reflect the results of those two seconds on the scale for the next 24 hours.

When you go shopping for new clothes, it’s the size on the tag that will dominate your feelings. For many women, nothing is more shocking than trying on the newest pair of jeans at your favorite store, only to find out that the same size you’ve been wearing for the last two years no longer fits you. Any number of explanations NOT pertaining to an actual change in your body shape will enter your mind. And the idea of blaming the brand or the store for the fluctuation rather than your own short-comings is out of the question. Instead, you are likely to skip your next meal (or two) until you can fit into those jeans and feel confident once more.

And then there’s dreaded numbers like 30 and 40. Many fear those numbers as if they represent death itself, like life is over after a certain age. Whatever happened to the idea that “age is a state of mind” or “you’re only as old as you feel”. Perhaps the phrases are overused so that we no longer see the value in their meaning. Yes, each year your body changes. But you also can control to some extent how much through lifestyle choices (and I’m NOT talking about plastic surgery!). You can also choose to look at the benefits of aging, like the experiences and wisdom that can accompany it.

I recently watched a documentary on beauty, and one of the women (whom had been nominated to be in the film because of her beauty) was a doctor. When the interviewer asked how she felt about aging, she said that it would serve to add to her credibility as a doctor because it meant that she had more experience. While we may not look at each gray hair as another stroke of wisdom, we can look at the ways we have become a better person through our life experiences rather than focus on the negative aspects of aging. You may be a better parent because you’ve been around the block a few times. You may be better in your career as you have had more time to hone your skills. You may have mastered your favorite hobby through lots of practice. So you see, the number of candles on your birthday cake don’t have to be something to fear, but instead something to take pride in. The more number of candles there are, the more things you have experienced and the more opportunities you have had to grow as a person.

Now, let’s go back to the number on the inside label of your clothes. There could be many reasons a size you expect to fit you when trying on a new pair of jeans does not fit. First of all, manufacturers change their sizing frequently. At any given time, I have pants in my closet that are the same brand, but 3 different sizes, all of which will fit me at any given time. Second, does one person make EVERY pair of pants in a given line? No, of course not. Although they have a pattern and a system for making the clothes, there will certainly be variations. Another reason the size might not fit is the cut and fabric of the pants. I recently went shopping for jeans and bought one size in one cut, and another size in a different cut.

Finally, it could be true that your body has in fact changed. Maybe you have gained weight. But that doesn’t make you a bad person, any more than seeing a higher number on the scale makes you a bad person. Let me say this loud and clear: “IT’S JUST A NUMBER!” I repeat: “IT’S JUST A NUMBER”.

Of course I realize that we need to put a certain amount of weight in some numbers, even those that we see on the scale. Weight and BMI can (and I emphasize can) be indicators of health, and that’s not something we can ignore. But basing your happiness and self esteem on those numbers is completely counter-productive. Think about it. Have you ever accomplished something when you were feeling down about yourself and your abilities? Sure, you might be able to temporarily “fix” the problem, maybe by going on a diet and losing the weight, but you’re not likely to maintain a healthy weight if you are defining your success solely by the numbers on the scale and in the size of your jeans.

So instead of focusing on the numbers that the fashion industry has deemed as an indicator of your value as a human being, try to find new numbers to focus on. How about the number of times you made another person smile in a day. Or the number of items you checked off from your to-do list. Or the number of times you had a positive thought about yourself. Ultimately, those are the numbers that should contribute to your happiness. And if you have to buy the jeans in the next size up, go for it! You’ll look and feel better wearing clothes that fit you properly!