Are You Living in the Past?

The spare bedroom in our house is known as ‘the office’. Although the only piece of furniture that now occupies the room is a futon which is usually pulled out in the bed position and covered in toys that have spilled over from our kids’ rooms, it once served as a home office for my husband. And, even though he moved his office into the basement more than a year ago, the bedroom which has become our guest/play room will likely forever be known to us as ‘the office’.

Fortunately, our spare bedroom doesn’t have an identity that is being warped by conflicting ideas of who it is and who it should be based on past experiences. People, on the other hand, are different.

An individual’s identity develops over time, shifting and growing with each life experience. But sometimes it becomes easy to get wrapped up in maintaining a piece of your identity from the past even if it may not reflect who and where you are now. This can be physical, as in “I am dieting to get back to the body I had in high school”. Or it can be emotional, where one might lament what they see as a loss in the life they had in the past, as in a parent longing for the care-free days of their pre-child life.

While past experiences are an important part of who we are today, remaining tied to the past can lead to feelings of frustration and discontent. Instead of hanging on to who you “used to be”, concentrate on who you are now, reflect on the positive things, and consider what you might change for the better — not in an effort to get back to the past, but instead to move toward a better future.

Have you been trying to go back in time? What would happen if you let go of the person you “used to be”?

This Is the New 80

A couple of years ago, Jane Fonda was on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and when she walked out on stage, Oprah said enthusiastically, something along the lines of “This is the new 70!”. “This” of course refers to a person who has had countless plastic surgeries, spent a lifetime devoted to having a perfect body, and maintaining her pseudo-youthful looks. I remember feeling very resentful as Oprah paraded Fonda around, creating yet another impossible standard for the rest of us to live up to. Sure, I’m a long way away from being 70 years old, but if that’s what I’m supposed to look like at 70, I might as well just give up now if I am not willing to commit tens of thousands of hours and dollars towards my appearance.

But all it takes for me is one look at my own Grandmother — who recently turned 80 — to realize that I don’t want to look like Jane Fonda when I’m 70. Or even 60. Dare I say, even 40? Unlike Fonda, my grandmother has never worried about her looks. That’s not to say she doesn’t put any effort into her appearance. Her hair is always neatly done, she usually wears nice “slacks” as she would say, and she loves costume jewelry, never leaving the house without being suitably adorned. By any medical standards, she’s in the overweight range, but as long as her doctor continues to declare her in near-perfect health, she won’t fret over her weight. Never in a million years would she consider any type of plastic surgery to remove her soft folds of flesh that I have come to love so dearly but that she probably doesn’t even give a thought to.

Instead, my Grandmother — whom any normal person outside of Hollywood would consider beautiful — has devoted her life to others and to enjoying the simple pleasures life has to offer. When more than 100 people came to celebrate her 80th birthday with her, they weren’t there because of her stunning beauty or youthful looks (though most people are shocked to hear she is 80). They were there because she has touched their life in meaningful ways. Jane Fonda could certainly fill a room with hundreds or even thousands of ‘friends’, but I have to wonder how many people could say the same thing about her.

My Grandmother takes the time to make sure each person she comes into contact with feels special. She leaves treats for the trash collection people to let them know they are appreciated. She brings pies for the line cooks at her favorite restaurant where — although she has no reason to come into direct contact with them — she wants them to know they are important too. She listens to the stories of strangers, lending them an ear when they need it most. The people who know my Grandmother truly cherish her in ways far deeper than most of us could ever know. When I am 80, I don’t want to look like I am 40 — or least look like I am trying to look 40. I want to accept my age gracefully and embrace the wisdom — and each gray hair — that comes with every passing year.

Do Numbers Rule Your Life?

Do you count the number of calories you eat and/or burn each day? Do you start each day determining your mood by the number on a scale? Do you feel good or bad depending on the number on the inside label of your pants? Are you old because of the number of candles that were on your last birthday cake?

Numbers: We place a lot of value in them. We see numbers as concrete, black and white dependable values. Numbers can be a source of comfort with the order they provide in our chaotic lives. We know there will always be 365 days in a year (ok, except for leap years). We know there will always be 7 days in a week. We know there will always 24 hours in a day (no matter how much we keep wishing for more).  These things don’t change and we can plan our life events around them.

Similarly, if you have one dollar, you know, without a doubt, that you are in possession of 100 cents — not 101 cents, not 99 cents, but always 100 cents. If something is 100 years old, we know that it has existed for exactly 100 years — non 101 years, not 99 years, but 100 years. Although these numbers can change, we always know exactly how to interpret them in these situations. Yes, numbers can be variable, but we tend to think their value always holds true.

Let me remind you, however, that the values of numbers do not remain consistent. An easy example is currency. Although one dollar will always be equal to 100 cents, the value of that dollar can fluctuate greatly, as we have seen in the recent economic conditions. And, while initially we assume something that is 100 years old to be old, if we are talking about something like a tree in the middle of the Redwood Forest, 100 years is practically a juvenile.

It is values like these that we assign to numbers that end up taking control of our lives. Numbers are no longer just numbers. They signify our worth. They tell us whether or not we are young or old, smart or dumb, fat or thin, etc. But who assigns the values to each of the numbers that signify these things? While generally there are standards to go by, we ourselves  ultimately place the values on the numbers by which we most frequently gauge our happiness and success.

If you step on the scale daily, or even weekly, you know exactly what I mean. No matter what your mood is before you step on a scale, the number on that square-shaped mechanical device will have the ultimate say over your outlook for the rest of the day. If it is a “good” number, it validates your success as a person, and you can go about your day with a smile on your face. If it is a “bad” number, you are a failure and your mood will reflect the results of those two seconds on the scale for the next 24 hours.

When you go shopping for new clothes, it’s the size on the tag that will dominate your feelings. For many women, nothing is more shocking than trying on the newest pair of jeans at your favorite store, only to find out that the same size you’ve been wearing for the last two years no longer fits you. Any number of explanations NOT pertaining to an actual change in your body shape will enter your mind. And the idea of blaming the brand or the store for the fluctuation rather than your own short-comings is out of the question. Instead, you are likely to skip your next meal (or two) until you can fit into those jeans and feel confident once more.

And then there’s dreaded numbers like 30 and 40. Many fear those numbers as if they represent death itself, like life is over after a certain age. Whatever happened to the idea that “age is a state of mind” or “you’re only as old as you feel”. Perhaps the phrases are overused so that we no longer see the value in their meaning. Yes, each year your body changes. But you also can control to some extent how much through lifestyle choices (and I’m NOT talking about plastic surgery!). You can also choose to look at the benefits of aging, like the experiences and wisdom that can accompany it.

I recently watched a documentary on beauty, and one of the women (whom had been nominated to be in the film because of her beauty) was a doctor. When the interviewer asked how she felt about aging, she said that it would serve to add to her credibility as a doctor because it meant that she had more experience. While we may not look at each gray hair as another stroke of wisdom, we can look at the ways we have become a better person through our life experiences rather than focus on the negative aspects of aging. You may be a better parent because you’ve been around the block a few times. You may be better in your career as you have had more time to hone your skills. You may have mastered your favorite hobby through lots of practice. So you see, the number of candles on your birthday cake don’t have to be something to fear, but instead something to take pride in. The more number of candles there are, the more things you have experienced and the more opportunities you have had to grow as a person.

Now, let’s go back to the number on the inside label of your clothes. There could be many reasons a size you expect to fit you when trying on a new pair of jeans does not fit. First of all, manufacturers change their sizing frequently. At any given time, I have pants in my closet that are the same brand, but 3 different sizes, all of which will fit me at any given time. Second, does one person make EVERY pair of pants in a given line? No, of course not. Although they have a pattern and a system for making the clothes, there will certainly be variations. Another reason the size might not fit is the cut and fabric of the pants. I recently went shopping for jeans and bought one size in one cut, and another size in a different cut.

Finally, it could be true that your body has in fact changed. Maybe you have gained weight. But that doesn’t make you a bad person, any more than seeing a higher number on the scale makes you a bad person. Let me say this loud and clear: “IT’S JUST A NUMBER!” I repeat: “IT’S JUST A NUMBER”.

Of course I realize that we need to put a certain amount of weight in some numbers, even those that we see on the scale. Weight and BMI can (and I emphasize can) be indicators of health, and that’s not something we can ignore. But basing your happiness and self esteem on those numbers is completely counter-productive. Think about it. Have you ever accomplished something when you were feeling down about yourself and your abilities? Sure, you might be able to temporarily “fix” the problem, maybe by going on a diet and losing the weight, but you’re not likely to maintain a healthy weight if you are defining your success solely by the numbers on the scale and in the size of your jeans.

So instead of focusing on the numbers that the fashion industry has deemed as an indicator of your value as a human being, try to find new numbers to focus on. How about the number of times you made another person smile in a day. Or the number of items you checked off from your to-do list. Or the number of times you had a positive thought about yourself. Ultimately, those are the numbers that should contribute to your happiness. And if you have to buy the jeans in the next size up, go for it! You’ll look and feel better wearing clothes that fit you properly!