Don’t you wish men came with labels?  Like the nutritional content chart on the side of the cereal, wouldn’t it be so much easier if men came with warning labels and expiration dates?  There must be a way to broadcast “Danger, Will Robinson!” before you get too attached.  Since I don’t see the boys allowing me to run around tattooing them anytime soon, I can only offer you this cheat sheet of what I would recommend avoiding.

Casual Insult Guy (aka the Perfectionist)

He doesn’t like your music.  He thinks your jokes are stupid.  Your ideas are the most idiotic thing he’s ever heard.  Even during sex, he’s coaching you to be different, to somehow be better.  Your average therapist will tell you not to continue dating a man that you feel you need to alter.  Well, what if he’s trying to alter you?  In a previous relationship, I felt like I was being converted into a cyborg.  I wasn’t allowed to move during sex because it threw his groove off.  I was watching sports more than I enjoyed.  I stopped trying to make jokes because I was decidedly not funny.  Truthfully, he probably wanted a dog instead of a girlfriend.  That way commands like “sit” and “stay” would have been better received.  I felt the components of “me” slipping away.  I was too busy thinking about rules to even get close to this man.  After I broke it off, he apologized profusely and even tried to propose.  He swore he “loved my imperfections”, but I knew better.  That statement was like admitting the whole problem.  He saw me as incredibly flawed.  I would forever be second rate to him.  You should always be the best in the eyes of the man you love.  Every woman deserves that.

Depression Pit (aka the Broken Hearted Whiner)

Just out of a long-term relationship, this guy seems great.  That’s because some other girl spent the last three years training him.  His auto-pilot mode doesn’t really reflect his true personality, and she obviously wasn’t totally successful or they’d still be together.  Now he’s depressed and adorably weepy.  Ask yourself: do you really want to date Droopy Dog?  Don’t kiss it and make it better.  You’re only going to make things harder on him.  He will fish for compliments by sadly murmuring about how no one loves him.  You’re not a clown at a birthday party.  It’s not your job to cheer him up.  The only thing that will fix this guy is time and a lot of it.  Constantly building someone up can be utterly exhausting.  Get his number, and call him in six months.  He’ll probably be back with his ex or (lucky for you) more cheerful.  If not, forget it.  Enough bad things happen in your own life.  Don’t take on his problems.

Emotion Ocean (aka the Metro Sexual)

Does he use more hair products than you do?  Are you the one waiting on the couch while he finishes getting ready?  Is there no room in the bathroom for your stuff?  Is his romantic comedy DVD collection more impressive than your own?  You may be dating the Metro Sexual.  Aside from the annoyingly long primp time and the stealing of your hairspray, you may find arguments with this emotional chap impossible.  He cries at the drop of a hat, and he won’t kill spiders either.  He practically is you.  Unless you’re prepared to assume the masculine role, find someone who won’t borrow your moisturizer.  It can also get old explaining why “if your boyfriend isn’t gay” he’s wearing more eyeliner than you.

Needy Nutcase (aka the Leech)

He just said “I love you” on your first date.  That night you see that he’s changed his online status to “In A Relationship”.  He talked about having kids on the date.  And you only had one drink.  He could be fresh out of a relationship, but he’s still pretty much acting like a stalker.  He arrives at your work and your home unannounced all the time.  You already weren’t sure you liked him that much.  The attention is fun at first, but you soon find yourself craving autonomy.  You didn’t sign up for an extra appendage.  Maybe you wanted to have lunch by yourself.  Maybe you wanted to stay home tonight and watch TV in your PJs.  He’s not going to give you room to breathe, and you may want to get out before he physically attaches himself to your body.

Wandering Pelvis (aka the Narcissist Cheater)

I once knew a very attractive man who got busted for simultaneously dating 5 girls at work.  This doesn’t shock me.  What shocks me is that one by one they took turns being his girlfriend until they discovered (indisputably) that he had been cheating on them.  Were they surprised?  How did they not expect that this would happen?  They knew going into it that this guy was incapable of keeping it in his pants, and yet they still thought to themselves that they would be able to transform him into Mr. Faithful.  He slept with their best friends and their sisters.  And he could do this, because he could still have a girlfriend at the end of the day.  It’s understandable that he has a huge ego.  He can more or less get away with anything with barely any repercussions.  Practice smart love.  Don’t be a masochist.  Don’t waste your time and affection on someone who won’t honor it.  Give it to someone who will value it.

Moochin’ Mack (aka the Sweet Talkin’ Taker)

You used to be able to afford to go out with the girls.  Where has all your spare cash gone?  It’s gone into making your boyfriend not a bum.  He can’t afford a nice shirt?  Well, you have to buy him a nice shirt.  How else is he going to finally get a job?  You loan him money for rent.  You drive him to job interviews.  You do his laundry.  His washing machine is broken, you know.  But he’s the sweetest guy you’ve ever met.  He writes you little love poems on the back of old receipts.  He always mentions how beautiful he thinks you are and how he worships you; but then, he’d have to say that to get so much out of you.  It’s ok that you didn’t get a birthday present or a Christmas present or a Valentine’s Day present.  You’re not about material things.  Are you about supporting this man for the rest of your life?  Wake up!  He’s taking advantage of you.  Sweet words can only carry a relationship so far.  The bank rarely accepts them in place of debt.  Let the loan sharks break his legs—not yours.

Space Craver (aka “I’m not proud of you…”)

“I just need my space” might as well be replaced with “I’m not very proud of you, into you, excited about you, etc…”  It’s a cop out from saying what really needs to be said.  He’s too cowardly to come out and say that he doesn’t want to be seen in public with you or that he finds you annoying.  One of my long term boyfriends would brief me before we entered parties.  I was to keep my distance during the party.  He justified this by saying that parties were places to interact with other people.  In truth, he didn’t want to be seen with me and felt I cramped his style.  A man should be eager to show you off.

Sex-O-Matic (aka the Sexy Bore)

Wow!  The sex is amazing, and you have almost nothing in common!  Hooray!  Sex doesn’t make the relationship.  Sex is a bonus.  You can conceivably have a relationship without having sex.  However, if sex is the only thing gluing your relationship together—it only takes a strong wind to send it flying out the window.  This can often be the indication of a lack of intellectual attraction.  No matter how physically attractive someone is, they cannot hold your attention without intellectually and emotionally stimulating you.  What’s keeping you from developing your relationship further?  If he is distant or non-responsive, consider yourself a glorified booty call.  His reasoning doesn’t matter.   Don’t bother trying to pinpoint what it is that separates you two from a healthy relationship.  Chances are—the problem lies within him.  You would be better off starting fresh and finding yourself an intellectually and emotionally available man.

Values Schmalues (aka the Proof Opposites Don’t Really Attract)

He’s perfect for you except…he has a completely different value system.  The word “except” is your enemy.  There are aspects to a man that can be embraced, and then there are gaping differences in opinions and values.  Some issues cannot be overlooked.  In looking for a partner, we want someone who will complement us, who will reinforce the things in which we believe, and who will help us grow.  Key dissimilarities like severe differences of religion and politics can be a sign that you are incapable of growing together.  You are more likely to maintain a relationship with someone who shares your views.  Love is so difficult.  Make it easier on yourself by choosing a partner who agrees with you on the important subjects.

Strangely Single (aka the Chronic Bachelor)

It’s one thing if he has simply not had a girlfriend for a while.  That could be circumstantial or plain bad luck.  But if he’s been single for more than five years or never had a steady girlfriend, you must at least consider there might be something wrong with him.  If women have managed to steer clear, it’s a red flag.  Sure, his apartment is flawless.  Maybe he has obsessive compulsive disorder.  Maybe he has commitment phobia.  Maybe he has anger management issues.  My ex-boyfriend pushed an old lady out of his way to get on a departing subway car.  I’m ashamed to say I didn’t break it off right there.

Instead I waited out eight more selfish, angry months before our relationship ended.  There are typically reasons that a man has become a relationship pariah.

Jesus Is My Boyfriend (aka the Martyr)

If every time you do the slightest thing wrong your guy says something like, “After all I’ve done for you,” he might be the Martyr.  This guy uses the same tactic as your mother, guilting you into doing whatever he wants.  Although he may have done quite a lot for you, he is indicating that he has put more into the relationship.  Since you are probably equally invested, the guilt fades fast.  It is quickly replaced with resentment.  This can also be the case when you’re dating a man with a “greater cause”.  He will devote his time to bettering the community, the state of homeless shelters, and reconstructing the economy.  If you request he spend some time with you, he’ll remind you that you’re a bad person for not caring about the “greater good”.  Remember—Superman worked alone.

Baby Seeking Mommy (aka the Big Kid)

The Peter Pan act grows weary quickly.  Initially, it may be endearing that he’s so helpless.  However, a day will arrive when you need a man and not a boy.  Don’t expect him to step up on that day.  Just like a kindergartener, he will point the blame on everyone else.  No one gives him the respect he deserves.  Why are you always nagging him?  He doesn’t do serious conversation.  It’s all fun and games.  A sense of humor is great most of the time.  Unless you have a complete Mommy complex, find a mature adult.  Otherwise, dig out the spanking paddle, and enjoy yourself!

Conveniently Here (aka the Filler Boyfriend)

You’d leave him, but he is so familiar and comfortable.  You’re not in the mood for an upheaval in your lifestyle so…you just keep dating him.  Life is short, ladies.  Even if you tell yourself you are only passing time until someone better comes along, you’re fooling yourself.  The Filler could be what is keeping Mr. Right from asking you out.  Complaining about him only makes you look like you settle for less.  Plus, it’s unfair to him.  He deserves a girl who will love him fully.  So don’t hang onto a man because he’s convenient.  Hang onto him because you see a promising future with him.

Make-over Man (aka the Almost Perfect)

In an ideal relationship, we are supposed to accept the other person –flaws and all– and love them despite those flaws.  The only person you truly have control over is yourself.  You cannot force change on anyone else.  Women who believe they have the power to change men are kidding themselves.  Changes are short-term at best, but usually he only changes while you’re present.  He is not a house to be renovated or a dress to be altered.  He’s a person, and attempts to change him show that you see him as a possession.  Accept him or find someone else.  You would want him to accept you intact.  It’s only fair that you not have double standards.

Now that you know who to avoid, look for a man who will treasure you.  Each woman is a precious treasure in the eyes of the man who loves her.  Treasure yourself enough to find the best!