Talking with Jenni Schaefer, Author & Eating Disorder Activist

I admit it. Jenni Schaefer is one of my personal heroes. It’s not just because she’s battled with and recovered from an eating disorder. It’s not just because she travels around the country, talking about eating disorders and raising awareness on the most deadly of all mental disorders. It’s not just because she’s written and published two books. It’s not just because she is pursuing her dream of becoming a country singer. Perhaps it’s the culmination of all of these things, combined with her candidness and a comfort with herself that comes through in conversation, but each of her qualities are ones that I admire and feel inspired by. Jenni and I spoke for the second time after I finished her second book, Goodbye Ed, Hello Me, and through the course of our discussion, we covered topics both old and new, but each subject we touched on gave me another look at her perspective on herself and the world.

Before we dove into some of the questions I had for Jenni, I decided to be frank with her in regards to my first impression of her. To be honest, I can sometimes be skeptical when I hear someone say “I’ve learned to accept my body as it is” and when I look at them, I see a body which to me, represents our society’s ideal of being thin. Sure, I thought. That’s easy for you to say. You have a body that everyone else accepts too … what’s not to accept? These are the same thoughts I had when Jenni stood up to speak at a Congressional hearing on eating disorders. To me, she was thin, and I was envious of her flat stomach. When I shared these thoughts with Jenni, she was not the least bit surprised (or offended, as I feared) and she said that this subject is one frequently discussed at eating disorder conferences, saying that the “size and shape of a therapist is like the elephant in the room no one is talking about.” Eating disordered patients will definitely scrutinize the body of their therapist and it’s an issue that must be addressed. Jenni also personally related to my feelings as she put it into perspective for me.

“My ideal my body size with my eating disorder was many pounds lighter than I am now … The Jenni that was sick would have looked at Jenni today and say ‘wow you’ve really let yourself go.’ Jenni today looks at me and I actually love my body. My brain is now nourished and I can see I have a healthy body.” She also talked about the height of her eating disorder when she was severely bulimic and actually overweight by most doctors charts. That fact made it more difficult for her to seek the treatment she so desperately needed. She looked healthier compared to when she was anorexic, making it harder for others to understand the depth of her struggles. During this time, she looked at others with eating disorders, and thought she wasn’t thin enough to deserve help and get treatment. When she finally did seek treatment, one of the coping skills she learned early on was to look for similarities instead of looking for differences in other people.

“We will always find differences and use that to seperate us from the rest of the world which is what I used to do, or we can seek similarities and try to look at how we are all the same.” She then added this wonderful pearl of wisdom: “Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes and recovered bodies also come in all shapes and sizes, and where I am recovered at my current body size, someone else might be recovered and actually be thinner than me, or heavier than me.”

If you read my previous interview with Jenni, you know that when I saw her at the hearing, she was wearing a black shirt which said “Recovered.” in white lettering (that wasn’t a typo — there is a period at the end of ‘Recovered’ in order to drive home the statement). This was an issue we discussed last time, but because of a recent blog post by Life Coach Andrea Owen entitled Can We Ever Fully Recover?, I felt the subject had to be explored further.

One of the things I really admire about Jenni is that she is very good about encouraging people to find the approach that best works for them. She asks the question “Does saying you are in recovery from an eating disorder keep you sick or keep you healthy?” For Jenni, always saying she was in recovery kept her sick, but she recognizes that for others, it keeps ED away.

“As long as I said I was in recovery, my eating disorder was waiting around the corner to get me. I really had to claim [recovery] for me and that’s what worked best for me.” She then added, “I am recovered from my eating disorder. I am not recovered from life. I still am constantly getting better at perfectionism. Of course I have a negative voice in my head. What’s different today is that negative voice is not surrounded around weight and food. My personal ED is gone. Does that mean I never have a bad body image experience? Do I never think anything bad about my body? Of course not, I live in America!”

But the negative voice Jenni hears from time to time is one that most of us deal with even without any history of an eating disorder, and Jenni refers to this voice as societal ED. Jenni recalled a chapter in Goodbye Ed, entitled The Worst Pick Up Line Ever, in which she describes an experience at her gym when a guy asks her “Are you here to lose weight too?” Her initial reaction was to ask herself why he would say that? But her therapist quickly reminded her that most women would have a negative reaction to his comment, and it isn’t necessarily the voice of an eating disorder. It was time to stop identifying herself with her eating disorder. When asked if she ever had moments when she questioned if life wouldn’t be better or wouldn’t she be happier at a lower weight, Jenni emphatically says no.

After writing two books about ED and traveling around the country raising awareness about eating disorders, Jenni is ready to focus on something new in her life — balance. While she enjoys talking about eating disorders and recovery, she is spending more time making room to talk about other things. In her own words, “I don’t want to always be defined by an illness I once had. Now that I’m recovered, I can do anything.”

Jenni has a variety of interests that have nothing to do with eating disorders, and those interests are leading her in new directions as she works more on her music (she has recorded two singles so far) and having fun. Being close to nature has become an important part of Jenni’s happiness and helps her feel grounded, so she tries to find activities that she can enjoy outside ranging from hitting the slopes to simply sitting outside reading a book. And speaking of books, she is already in research mode for her next one — and it’s not about ED! As she further explores the world of dating, finding new challenges and new experiences, she is realizing these are also experiences worth sharing. I for one can’t wait to read about them.

4 Steps To Ending Emotional Eating

by Nicole Ohebshalom

One late night while working Boston’s needle exchange van I realized the early stages of drug addiction is no different than the sugar or coffee cycle many of us succumb to in our daily lives. This particular evening a young man walked into the van, and we talked about his drug use and life in the gay community. He had just come out about his sexual orientation without any support and used drugs to mask his fears.

As we spoke further, it surfaced that many of his fears were tied to him giving into his every temptation. He wanted to feel comfortable in his skin but had a certain pleasure tolerance that diminished any positive thoughts about himself. At this point, many of us look to the outside to heal and grow in life instead of looking and loving within ourselves. What happens at this point when we reach for a heroine needle or the cookie jar? We reach our pleasure tolerance, or our happiness quota and, the addiction cycle begins.

For many people food is an addiction, just like a drug. We receive the same cycle of highs, lows, and reasons for cravings. Many of you can relate to the subtlety of sugar cravings in the office setting. When stressed, you open up that drawer of hidden chocolate bars and the cycle begins.

Have you had a time in your life when you were eating very healthy and exercising? You’d think to yourself, “I’ve got this down!” then out of nowhere you grab a few cookies and weeks later you notice your healthy lifestyle has vanished! This is because the way we eat is the way we live. Our interaction with food is an interesting insight to how we live our lives.

We’re all born with a certain amount of happiness, but this is not our comfort zone because we aren’t always happy or comfortable with our life and ourselves. This has been keeping you from connecting to the love you want, enjoying the relaxing lifestyle you want, realizing your desires and inspiration, or savoring the yummy stimulation from a meal.

Guilt is a major quality that has been preventing you from enjoying your meals and life. We feel guilty for indulging in too much food, sex, power, and money. We can experience guilt when we’re going through change and becoming happier in life. But you shouldn’t feel guilty for having it all. It’s your moral prerogative to have it all and be happy about it. Give those self-conflicting voices about pleasure a rest.

When you let yourself feel good, you feel better about life and thereby are more open to connecting with yourself and feeling balanced. Creating a new way of enjoying eating can be intimidating because it’s new and requires courage and fearless love for yourself. Remember: change can be scary but it’s the only way to grow and achieve happiness. Ask yourself: What would it be like if you got on board with your eating or body changes? How can you celebrate them?

Follow these steps for increasing your happiness tolerance and end the cycle of emotional eating!

Step 1: Write down the reasons behind your emotional eating. Sometimes, just seeing them on paper makes it easier to get a handle on the problem. Take one week and keep a food journal. Write down absolutely everything that you eat, as well as making a note about your mood at that exact time. By taking this step, you’ll be able to target which foods you turn to when you are in different moods.

Step 2: Connect with your desires. Who do you want to be? What do you want in life? What do you enjoy and dislike in your daily life? Being in tune with your desires helps you understand your true self and optimize life satisfaction. Have you written down your desires? Be true to what opens your unique, fun, and happy heart. Embodying these desires by writing them down will allow you to connect to and trust yourself. Next time you think negative body or food thoughts, come back to your desires. Ask yourself what is your stand– what will create happiness in your life?

Step 3: Make a list of things you are grateful for while experiencing this change in food and body image mentality. Put it up on your fridge and look at it to remind you of all the wonderful things in your life. This will help you stay on track, even though the change might be difficult at first. Remember, there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel!

Step 4: Say YES to something that you would not normally say yes too. See if you enjoy any activity that you normally would not include in your routine.

Nicole Ohebshalom is the owner of Radiant Living Wellness which offers programs to address weight and health concerns, increase energy levels, or simply to help clients eat better. A firm believer in the power of balance, Nicole is also a Kundalini Yoga Instructor. To learn more about Nicole and her services, visit Radiant Living Wellness.

Does Your Diet Rob You of Life’s Surprises?

by Melissa Henriquez

Do you know what it’s like to have your wonderful husband fear cooking you dinner because he knows you’re so obsessed with food that if every iota isn’t measured, you’ll freak?

Sadly, I do … because that was me.

Though we usually cooked together, I was usually the one dictating what ingredients we “could” use (only fat-free cheeses in lasagna, only 96% lean beef in burgers … “nothing else!”). I “had” to be in control. (Well, my brain said so, sad but true).

And because of this (unbecoming) controlling nature, my husband feared cooking for me. How sad is that?!

It’s not like he wouldn’t have eaten those versions of foods, but the “this is all I will accept” mentality I had was tough to swallow, and caused many an argument — all because of food or, rather, control about food.

And so one night, when we were newly married and living together, he confessed that he had been wanting to surprise me by making dinner, but feared how I’d react…

Sadly, no surprise there. The truth is, back then, I probably would have freaked, however terrible that sounds now.

That should have been the sole warning I needed that it was high-time to snap out of my disordered eating world.

But as life goes, it wasn’t. Instead, it was just one example of many along the way that led me to believe, “Houston, I have a problem” last summer, when I began blogging and sought therapy.

It makes me sad now to think I’ve squandered almost three years of my life living a life without surprises, without much spontaneity when it could have been more.

Still, instead of looking back with regret, I’d prefer to look ahead, and to think of the progress I’ve made recently. Because as my relationship with food and anxiety and my body improves, so, too, do my relationships and friendships. Amazing, right?!

The truth is, I’ll probably always check out party spreads before choosing, probably always scout out menus online before going out to eat when possible … but I think that’s just being a savvy “shopper,” if you will.

I mean, it’s summer and I’m not going to turn down a BBQ or a party because there will be food there. The old me might have, but I just am not her anymore. And so I might still load my plate with salad or fruit first, but so what, if I’m enjoying everything else, too? Really, no one else cares what anyone else eats.

Food can be pleasure, and now that I’m not mutilating it, it has even more meaning to me.

(OK full disclosure: sometimes I still mutilate — like taking chocolate chips from a cookie — but that’s nothing new, and I’m NOT c/s)…

Another example of progress? I’m not “afraid” if friends suggest dessert after dinner anymore. If I didn’t personally want it, or hadn’t planned on it, I can always have a little taste and enjoy it. And if I want it, I can dig right in!

I know balance more than I think I do, more than I give myself credit for. And I’m really seeing that a life without surprises is boring and not worth living.

Surprises are fun. Sunday night, my husband and I lit our new firepit and were just sitting outside, enjoying the balmy night air. He asked if I wanted to make S’mores.

For a split second, I admit, I paused. Technically, I hadn’t “planned” on them. The old me would have politely declined.

But you know what? With his hectic work/MBA schedule how often are we outside together on a summer night?! How often are we eating S’mores by the fire?!

So I grinned, said, “Sure,” and went inside to grab the fixins’. We made S’mores and laughed and enjoyed each other’s company, and it was just wonderful.

Later that night, laying nestled in my husband’s arms on the deck as the embers faded to a dull glow, I wasn’t thinking about the unplanned S’mores, but rather how nice it felt to just “be.”

I wonder if I could have been that girl before, if she was hidden in me? Or if I needed this experience to drag her out? I’ve never been laid-back or easy-going; those adjectives have never described me. But it doesn’t mean I can’t learn to be more flexible.

I don’t want to live a life where surprises are feared anymore.

I want my friends and family to not think of me as being “weird about food.”

I want my husband to feel like he can suggest going to Chicago on a whim, where I don’t turn him down because I’d planned to work out and hadn’t yet.

(Um, yes, we dealt with that during the Christmas holiday in 2006; I’ll never forget it — he was so hurt and I realized I was being ridiculous too late. We ended up going the next weekend, but I’ll never forget that …).

And because I WANT it, I can BE it.

Life without surprises just isn’t fun, and it took me a long time to “get it” but I’m hoping for a surprise home-cooked meal soon

How about you? How do you handle surprises?

Melissa Henriquez is  PR professional living in Michigan. She shares her experiences and wisdom that has come from disordered eating and the process of overcoming it at her blog Tales of a (Recovering) Disordered Eater.

Disordered Eating or Eating Disorder?

It almost sounds cliche: I have struggled with my weight for years. I guess you could pretty much say my whole life. I have never been grossly overweight, but nor have I been what I consider to be an ideal weight. Consequently, I have spent my life trying to reach this “ideal” weight. What I have come to realize recently, however, is that this struggle had less to do with a number on the scale (though the scale has always held great powers over me) than the ability (or lack of) to control what I put in my mouth.

When the compulsion to control my eating finally came to a head last year, I sought the help of a therapist who felt that I was on the verge of crossing the line from years of disordered eating into an eating disorder. Though I wasn’t displaying the severe symptoms of any particular eating disorder, the idea of controlling my eating was beginning to consume my life. I was starting to skip meals more and the emotional roller coaster of feelings between shame and guilt for overeating and sense of accomplishment for not eating were becoming overwhelming.

After spending a lifetime dieting, I really didn’t think much of my habits let alone place them in the category of a disorder, but at the same time I couldn’t stand the shouting coming from within my head and I desperately wanted help to stop the shouting.

According to WomensHealth.gov, “disordered eating refers to troublesome eating behaviors, such as restrictive dieting, bingeing, or purging, which occur less frequently or are less severe than those required to meet the full criteria for the diagnosis of an eating disorder. Disordered eating can be changes in eating patterns that occur in relation to a stressful event, an illness, personal appearance, or in preparation for athletic competition … disordered eating may develop into an eating disorder. If disordered eating becomes sustained, distressing, or begins to interfere with everyday activities, then it may require professional evaluation.”

And that was where I was. It was interfering with every day life. And so I wondered …. how many other women like me are at this crossroads? I can see the factors in my life that contributed to where I was. My self worth was waning as I struggled with parenting, I wasn’t sure how to define myself anymore, and I had lots of time to obsess about food and my body.

I have other friends who definitely fall into the category of disordered eating. We commiserate together about the ups and downs on the scale, and the half dozen cookies we didn’t mean to eat. We’d stop and start Weight Watchers together, count points together, and “cheat” together. All the while, our self worth was more and more being defined by the successes and failures of our weight loss. As I look around me, I can only guess how many other women are struggling with these issues. But given all the pressures women face today in their daily lives, combined with the added stress of feeling the pressure to look “perfect”, I would guess the number of women about to fall over the precipice is staggering.

Eating disorder treatment centers all over the country are reporting sharp increases in the number of women over 30 seeking help for eating disorders. For now, there are a variety of theories to explain the increase, all of them are undeniable. The same body image issues that may have triggered in eating disorder earlier in life are often still a factor, they are compounded by the additional pressures women face as they grow older, such as parenting struggles, divorce, work, financial instability and of course, an aging body. Ultimately, most eating disorders come down to a strong desire to control something amid an otherwise chaotic life that feels out of control. We may not be able to force our boss to give us  a raise, keep our kids from getting into trouble, make our spouses love us more, but if we can just control what we can put in our mouths, then that will give us the sense that we have regained control of our lives, or at least that’s what someone who has crossed the line into a disorder might think. And when you read some of the facts about eating disorders it’s really a wonder we’re not all rushing to the bathroom after every time we eat. According to Park Nicollet Hospital which offers a treatment center dedicated to eating disorders, the facts are eye opening:

Eighty percent of women are unhappy with their appearance.
The average American woman is 5’4” and weighs 140 pounds. The “ideal” woman portrayed in the media is 5’11” and weighs 117 pounds.
Most eating disorders begin with a weight-loss diet. Thirty-five percent of “normal dieters” progress to unhealthy dieting. Of those, 20 percent to 25 percent progress to partial or full-syndrome eating disorders.
Experts estimate that 10 million females and 1 million males in the United States have an eating disorder. An estimated 5 percent of those with eating disorders die as a direct result of the eating disorder.

Treatment for eating disorders generally requires intense therapy and a supportive environment, and special programs are being specially designed to accomodate the growing number of older women suffering from the disease.

For me personally, my goal is to become a normal eater. And what does a normal eater look like? Ellyn Satter who pioneered the concepts of the feeding relationship and eating competence sums it up pretty well:

“Normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied. It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it—not just stop eating because you think you should. Normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food. Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good. Normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. And it can be udnereating at times and wishing you had more. Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life. In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.”

Battling Inner Demons

I recently was talking to a friend who revealed to me her long-standing, on-again-off-again battle with depression when she told me she found inspiration in the Beyonce’s new song “I Am … Sasha Fierce.” She explained how she related to the idea of an alter ego in an effort to separate herself from this other person inside of her. Only in her case, this other person was her depression, rather than the strong powerful woman conjured up by the name Sasha Fierce. My friend felt a little silly telling me she has personified her depression until I explained to her this is a common technique used in treating eating disorders, when often patients will identify their disorder simply as ED. Since ED is a voice constantly putting down the person in whom he resides, it makes sense to identify him in a way that allows patients to talk to him and fight back.

For years, I identified my own inner demons simply as “food and body image issues” — an abstract summation of the struggles I faced in my daily existence. Since my behaviors were defined more as disordered eating than eating disorder, the name ED didn’t sit right with me. While I recognized the power of seeing my “issues” as an entity separate from my core being, the idea of a man named ED, living inside of me, telling me I was fat, or ugly, or a pig, was not the image I had of my inner battles. Instead, when I was asked to envision the person constantly beating me down and holding me back,  I saw someone more along the lines of Mrs. X from The Nanny Diaries — cold, calculating, selfish, manipulative, and obsessed with control. Thus, my eating issues were reborn as Mrs. X.

Mrs. X didn’t just stop at telling me how I looked or how to eat. She convinced me I was an awful mother, a terrible housewife, and mediocre at everything else. She kept me down, instilling enough fear in me that I never really tried to do much beyond what I was absolutely sure I could do, at least without someone else holding my hand. The only time she would ever allow that I was good at anything was when I could measure my sucess by a number on the scale, the tag in my clothing, or the number of calories I had burned. But of course, even then she warned me failure was always just around the corner.

I have often prided myself on the fact that I don’t let negative people bring me down. If I realize a friendship is not healthy, or that it is more of a give-take relationship with me being the primary giver, I move on. Life is too short to be influenced negatively by those around you. And yet, my whole life, I had let Mrs. X control me without realizing it. But once I learned to separate my own voice from that of Mrs. X, I also learned how to ignore what she said. Next I learned to talk back. I would write her letters and tell her that although I knew she would never completely leave me alone, I would no longer let her control my life. When I was really mad, I would tell her to “F— off!”.

It’s been a while since Mrs. X and I were formally introduced, and for the most part I have marginalized her from my life, like a grumpy relative you can’t cut off, but keep your distance from. She periodically knocks at my door, and sometimes I ignore it, and sometimes, less often, I let her in. But as I have gotten to know Mrs. X, I understand how she works, and I know how to undermine her power. I also have learned to forgive her. She came into my life for a reason, and that was to protect me — from loneliness, boredom, and feelings of rejection. Though the ends didn’t justify the means, her presence was familiar and at times, all I felt that I had.

Personifying my inner struggles was a way for me to step outside myself and take my enemy head on. I am strong enough to stand by myself and facing Mrs. X was what proved my strength once and for all. The next time you hear an inner voice telling you that you’re not good enough, thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough, etc., say “I’m sorry, but you are no longer welcome in my house, and it’s time for you to move on … and don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”

“Life Without Ed” — A Book Review

You might think that Life Without Ed is a book about a woman separating herself from a boyfriend/husband/lover named Ed. But when you read the sub-header “How One Woman Declared Independence from her Eating Disorder and How You Can Too” it is apparent that Ed is not a person. As it turns out, for Jenni Schaefer, as well as for many other women, Ed (a convenient acronym for Eating Disorder) can be just as powerful a force as the most abusive of men, and like abusive partners, Ed can and does kill.

The review of this book is timely as National Eating Disorders Awareness Week begins February 22. Through Shaefer’s book, other victims of Ed can find the hope they need to begin the long process of declaring their own independence from an eating disorder.

Life Without Ed begins with Jenni stating that although she has never been married, she is happily divorced. Through the guidance of her therapist Thom Rutledge — with whom Jenni cowrote her book — Jenni began to identify her eating disorder as an entity separate from her own person, an entity she identified as Ed. Personifying her disorder gave clarity to the thoughts in her head as she began to identify which thoughts belonged to her, and which thoughts belonged to Ed. Making that distinction enabled her first to disagree with Ed, and eventually to disobey him.

From the beginning, Ed was as controlling, domineering, and selfish as the worst partners committing domestic violence. But he was also as manipulative, leading Jenni to believe that she was deserving of his negative treatment. Without Ed, she believed she was nothing, because that is what Ed told her at every opportunity he had. He also gave her the proverbial carrot, leading her on with promises of beauty (through being thin), success (through being thin), and happiness (through being thin). Without him, he convinced her she would never achieve any of those things. Finally, Jenni realized though that the life she was living with Ed was not one worth living at all, and instead of giving into his demands indefinitely — which ultimately would have led to her death — she got the help she needed to begin the long process of separating herself from Ed.

Throughout Shaefer’s account — which is witty at times, and tragic at others — we are reminded of the hold Ed has taken of her. But we are also reminded of the strong sense of survival that eventually leads to Jenni’s “divorce” from Ed. As with the separation of many couples, Jenni’s recovery was full of moments of self doubt and the desire to go back to Ed who was always full of promises of a better life. Although he was a great source of misery for her, he also knew how to relieve moments of stress and unhappiness through binging, purging and restricting — all of which can provide a false but powerful sense of control when all else feels out of control.  Ultimately, with the help of a strong support system comprised of therapists, internists, dieticians and peers, Jenni found the strength to leave Ed once and for all. Though he still periodically tries to reunite with Jenni — perhaps for a casual fling or even worse — she now has the emotional tools to recognize his presence, and then dismiss him.

Life Without Ed: How One Woman Declared Independence from Her Eating Disorder and How You Can Too
is a detailed account of life with an Eating Disorder — something that is often misunderstood by society at large. As Jenni points out, it does not matter what size you are or how much you weigh. Ed comes in all shapes and sizes. What matters is the emotional abuse from which so many women suffer in silence, as Ed consumes every moment, telling them what to eat or not eat, what to purge, and how they look compared to every other woman they see. If Ed is destroying your life, or the life of someone you know, this book is an absolute must-read in order to understand the battles with Ed, and how to win them.

Survey Shows Weight Rivals the Economy as Source of Stress

by Emily Haile

With recent polls showing that 80 percent of Americans are stressed out about the economy, it’s a wonder we have time to think about anything else. But, apparently, we do. We still wonder whether we look fat in our jeans.

Green Mountain at Fox Run recently conducted a survey asking: “Which Stresses You More: Your Weight or the Economy?”

Here is the breakdown of the 630 respondents, 91.1 percent of whom were female:

While concern about the economy is clearly the winner, concern about weight gives the economy a surprising run for its money. With many calling this the biggest recession since the Great Depression, the fact that well over one quarter say their weight creates more stress than the economy, and almost one-third feel it’s just as stressful as their weight, is troubling. I suppose it goes to show that no matter what else may be going on in our lives, the persistent negative thoughts many of us have about our bodies don’t just take a vacation. Another interesting twist is the shame one woman expressed that she voted for her weight:

“I think I may be shallow for feeling this way, but I voted my weight,” one mom wrote on BabyCenter.com after taking our survey. “I think about my weight all day long. We are in the process of trying to buy a house and pay off lots of credit card debt. That is VERY stressful too. But I think about and stress over my weight much more than the economy.”

Not only does she feel stressed about her weight, now she feels shallow as a result of those feelings. What an energy drain! When we truly stop and think how much time we spend each day criticizing ourselves and undermining the small successes of daily life, it’s truly mind boggling.

One woman, who said the economy was more stressful, was more pragmatic. She wrote:

“I voted economy mostly because that is out of my control. I can control the factors that influence my weight so I don’t worry as much about it but I do focus on it (calories eaten, exercise done). The economy just brings me continual worry because I can’t control the stock market or home values or job losses.”

The notion of control is interesting. While we can influence our weight, we can only control our behaviors. Ultimately, our weight is determined by a lot of factors, including genetics and age. Still, how many of us truly feel that we are in control of our weight and not the other way around?

Before we conducted the survey, we had a hunch that weight was still a major concern for Americans, even as the economy flounders. What’s perhaps more interesting is how stress itself impacts us. What do we do when we’re stressed out about the economy, our weight, or anything else? Many of us eat, and it shows up as extra pounds and inches over the years.

If there were one stress that you could remove from your life, we’d vote for worry over your weight. While it may not be easy, accepting yourself as you are right now, in this moment, and doing the best you can to maintain a lifestyle that promotes well being is a great start. Because if we’re living mindfully, we can reach a healthy weight that’s right for us and stay there without struggle.”

I Love My New Body!

You may be wondering if I’ve tried a new diet. Perhaps you think I’ve been hitting the gym extra hard. And if you really don’t know me, maybe you’re wondering if I got some plastic surgery. The truth is about as far from any of those as you can imagine. As a matter of fact, I’ve gained weight recently. My belly, never flat to begin with, protrudes further from my body than ever (except during the two times I was pregnant). My thighs jiggle a little more, as the florets of cauliflower-like cellulite define them. My upper arms wiggle just a little more. My butt — well, it’s just bigger. Many of my clothes, including my favorite pair of jeans, don’t fit. By all medical standards, with my recent weight gain, I am now well in the range of being overweight. (Though I stopped weighing myself a while back, I have definitely gained significant weight since the last time I did weigh myself, at which point I was already at the top end of a “normal” weight for someone of my height.)

So, you may be asking, have I gone mad? What is there to love about flab? Cellulite? Loose, jiggly flesh? Well, it’s part of me. That’s what’s to love about it. I have spent years trying hard to achieve a body I have never had, but thought I was supposed to. Nearly my whole life in fact. I have tried all the standard tricks, and some not-so-standard tricks to try and mold my body into the shape most of us consider to be ideal. But I hated the deprivation of dieting, and therefore only rarely even came close to reaching what is considered to be my “ideal” weight. Even when I did reach what was close to my “ideal” I was not happy with my body and surprised at how much more I thought I had to lose in order to reach that ideal. My disordered eating habits ranged from my on-again, off-again relationships with Weight Watchers, to starvation and purging. I do love to exercise, but felt consumed by the numbers game, and the feeling that I could never get ahead. My whole life, despite all my efforts to change my body, a tiny but strong part of my inner being refused to give in and allow me to succeed in this game so many of us play, and as a result I spent years feeling disgruntled about my body at best, and hating it — feeling utterly disgusted by it — at worst.

It never mattered that my husband has loved me AND my body unconditionally throughout our entire 16 year-relationship. Even after gaining 50 pounds during my first pregnancy, he couldn’t keep his hands off me. It has never mattered that my body was strong enough to carry and nourish two children in my womb and by my breast. Even my good health wasn’t enough to convince me that I had a body worth being proud of. After completing my first triathlon, I couldn’t stop worrying about how I looked in my wet suit, and I was hesitant to share pictures of myself in my bike shorts.

Even as I was telling others to love and accept their bodies — statements I made with full conviction — I could not accept and love my own. And then, after many forces converged at once, I began my own journey towards self acceptance. Instead of trying to change my body, I decided to change how I feel about my body. My first source of inspiration was the women in my life. So many women judge themselves entirely by their bodies. Nevermind that my friends are successful, beautiful women. Because their bodies don’t meet an arbitrary societal ideal of beautiful, they cannot feel good about themselves. And yet, every time I look at them, I see nothing but pure beauty on the inside and out, and it breaks my heart to know they can’t see it, and find something to admire about themselves. But how was I going to convince them of what I could see in them, if I couldn’t see it in myself. I was doing myself AND the women in my life a great disservice by refusing to love my body. That had to change.

My second source of inspiration was Jenni Schaefer, author of Life Without Ed. As a recovered anorexic, no one understands what it’s like to hate your body more than Jenni does. Talking to her inspired me to find the same kind of self acceptance that allowed her to overcome her eating disorder and live a normal life with a healthy relationship towards food and her body — something I fully believed I was incapable of myself. During the course of our interview, she mentioned a book called Intuitive Eating.

Unconvinced that I would ever be able to let go of my food and body obsessions, I doubted Intuitive Eating would have any more of a lasting effect than the honeymoon phase of a new diet or exercise routine would have. Desperate for anything, however, I figured I had nothing to lose by reading the book, and of course, I thought it would provide good material for VenusVision. As I read it though, I immediately recognized myself in the types of eaters/dieters they identify in the book. It’s been a long time since I identified myself as someone “on a diet”. Instead I insisted that I was focused on good health and making good choices. But really, as the book revealed to me, it was just my own trickery to avoid telling myself I really was on a diet.

After reading the first few chapters, I decided I was going to fully commit myself to becoming an intuitive eater, and this book became the third force in my life guiding me down the path of self acceptance. I wasn’t looking for a quick fix. I was looking for normalcy and became dedicated to achieving it. But a huge part of forming a healthy relationship with food is also having one with your body. While reading Intuitive Eating, it became clear that you cannot pick and choose which elements of the philosophy you will follow and which ones you won’t. It’s all or nothing, and finding ways to love and appreciate your body is a big component of the work — and yes, it is work.

So I set about trying to determine what it was that made me feel so negatively about my body and then reject those arguments. The first thing I did was stop comparing myself to others, in any respect. The beauty of the human race is that we are each so dramatically different. The variety in our species is endless. So why limit myself to trying to be something I never have been and was not genetically programmed to be. I don’t try every day to force my feet into a smaller size shoe thinking that will make me more attractive. So why do the same thing for my body?

The second thing I did was really evaluate why being thin had become so important to me. Ultimately, what would it accomplish? Sure, it might have led to short-term happiness based on reaching a superficial ideal, but how much would I have had to give up in the process?  Would my husband love me more for it? Would my children respect me for it? Would I be more successful if I whipped myself into a disciplined frenzy of limited eating and excessive exercise? Maybe if I was aspiring to be a model or actress, but I’m not. So I let go of the ideal.

Instead, my ideal is truly optimal health and I no longer deceive myself that thinness is an indicator of optimal health. In fact, I have pretty much already reached a level of optimal health. My cholesterol levels are good, my blood pressure is low, and my cardio vascular fitness generally ranges from good to excellent. I am strong, I work out regularly, and I eat a healthy balanced diet. And even better, as a result of my shift, I never feel deprived. Yes, I eat whatever I want but that isn’t the same thing as eating poorly. I am learning to listen more to my body, and by giving myself permission to eat anything I want (one of the principles of Intuitive Eating) the lure of many foods hasdissipated . While I mostly eat foods with high nutritional values, I also have my fair share of food with no redeeming nutritional value. But I mostly eat them only when I really want them, and generally I crave the foods that make my body feel its best. I have found that as my relationship with my body has improved, I am more aware of which foods make me feel good physically and which ones make me feel lousy, and just like after a night of heavy drinking that leads to a hangover and the profession that you won’t do ‘that’ again, when I eat food that makes me feel rotten, I don’t want to repeat the experience.

My attitude towards exercise has also changed, and I no longer feel an obligation to work out, burning X number of calories each week. That’s not to say that I’ve stopped exercising. In fact, I have a renewed love for exercise. But much like my attitude towards eating, I stick mostly to activities I genuinely enjoy, and I have learned to focus on how physical activity makes me feel both during and after exercise. While I am working out, I work on reaching what Abby Lentz of Heavyweight Yoga refers to as the point of ’sweet discomfort’, where I am making progress in my fitness, but not at the expense of my physical health by pushing too far or not enough. At times, when my alarm goes off at 5:00 am to get to an early morning class at the gym, I may have a moment where I resist getting up. But like the lure of a drug, I get fixated on achieving that euphoric feeling that comes from a good work out and within a minute or two, I am up and getting ready. The flip side of that is, however, that if I don’t go, instead choosing to sleep in, I don’t let guilt overcome me. I allow that my body needed more rest that day and I was listening to my body by getting more rest rather than pushing my body beyond what is best for it.

Last year, I had the opportunity to attend a congressional hearing on eating disorders featuring a panel of experts on the subject. At one point, I asked the panel how we as a society are supposed to reconcile the growing obesity epidemic and all of the health issues associated with it with the obvious need to love our bodies. The response I got was that when you love your body … truly love it, you want to treat it well. That means not filling it full of junk food and sitting on the sofa all day because really, that says you don’t give a crap about your body and how it feels. But it also doesn’t mean starving it which in the end isn’t really any better. My path to self acceptance is ongoing.  But in sharing my experience with you, I really hope that it can help you figure out what you need to do find peace with your body and take steps to show your love to the most important thing you have.

Interview With Jenni Schaefer, Author of Life Without Ed

Jenni Schaefer first met Ed when she was 4 years old taking a dance class. From the very beginning he badgered her about her weight, telling her she was the fattest girl in class and criticizing her because her thighs rubbed together in her leotard. And thus began a long relationship of abuse. Ed controlled Jenni’s every move, forcing himself inside her head to control even her thoughts. But Ed isn’t a man who can be locked up behind bars, preventing him from ruining countless lives. Ed’s impact is far more prolific than that of any one man. Ed is an acronym for Eating Disorder — an illness that takes on a life of its own, and becomes greater than its victim, repeating abuses as damaging as physical abuse brought on by an actual person and often as hard to escape from.

But Jenni did escape from Ed and lived to tell about it in her book Life Without Ed — How One Woman Declared Independence from Her Eating Disorder and How You Can Too, and her follow-up book Goodbye Ed, Hello Me: Recover from Your Eating Disorder and Fall in Love with Life due out in September of this year. I met Jenni last fall when she was in town speaking to congress about the severity of eating disorders and the lack of proper access to help because of insurance for those who suffer from it. The first thing I noticed about Jenni was her was her black shirt which stated boldly in white letters “recovered.”

I was curious about the proclamation because my understanding was that eating disorders were like alcoholism in that one is never completely recovered, but instead always in a state of recovery. So when Jenni agreed to do an interview with me, that was the first thing I wanted to know about. Asking her how she defined ‘recovered’ and at what point she considered herself  to be fully recovered, she reminded me that Life Without Ed came out in 2002 and a lot has happened in the time since then.

Even at the end of her first book, while Schaefer delcares her divorce from Ed, she still battled with him from time to time, suffering from the occasional relapse. In retrospect, she defines herself as having been “significantly recovered” at the time, and only through more years of being in recovery did she finally reach a point where she actually felt fully recovered. Period. But she admits that some are fearful of the word ‘recovered’ because it may allow them to let down their defenses making them more vulnerable to relapse. To Jenni, the idea that you will never be recovered “is a hopeless message.” She added, “I didn’t want to have an eating disorder forever. I wasn’t born with an eating disorder. You learn an eating disorder and you can unlearn it.”

Concerned about the power Ed can have on those who are vulnerable to him, I asked Jenni if she worried that someone reading her book could actually end up empowering the Ed in their lives. Though she wrote the book with that in mind, avoiding the inclusion of obvious triggers like pictures of her during the height of her anorexia, or low and high weights, she also reminded me that Ed will use whatever tools he has available to maintain control over his victims, and she even reminds readers in the book that as they are going through the book, Ed too is there with them, possibly trying to twist the words into something that will make him stronger. The important thing to remember is that by the time someone is ready to read this book, they are already questioning the authority Ed has over them, and that in itself can be the starting point for beginning the separation process from Ed.

Wondering about those who are teetering on the edge of an eating disorder, Jenni and I talked about how women can avoid letting Ed into their life in the first place, even after he’s been knocking at your door. A big component of her own recovery was body image counseling and coming to the realization that the ideals she was trying to live up to — ideals created primarily by the media — were in large part based on manufactured images. A good example of this is the video created by Dove’s Real Beauty Campaign entitled “Evolution” where an ordinary woman has a team of people from make-up artists, hair stylists, and eventually Photoshop experts create her into a new, fictitious woman plastered on the face of a billboard. Though eating disorders develop from more than just trying to meet society’s standards of beauty, the idea that we need to be something beyond what we are biologically programmed to be can create a vicious cycle of failure and self loathing that makes one more vulnerable to an eating disorder.

Speaking of society’s standard of beauty, we discussed the obsession of celebrity weight battles, and in particular, her choice of Cindy Crawford as a model for a healthy body while Jenni was in recovery. When reading the book, I had to admit that I was a bit put off by her choice of a supermodel as someone whose figure represented her new “healthy” ideal. But she pointed out that at the time, Cindy Crawford was criticized for being fat next to her peers. “If she’s overweight, all of us are … we need to look at people who are at their natural size whether that’s naturally thin or a little overweight according to societal standards … if you’re at your natural weight, you’re a role model. If you accept your natural healthy weight that’s a role model … and what’s strange about that is that it’s going to be all shapes and sizes.”

But Schaefer added, “The paradox about eating disorders is that it’s completely not about food and weight at all on the other hand, when you look at it from the outside, it’s completely about food and weight”  Ultimately, however, eating disorders are about control. When you can’t control other elements of your life, it’s easy to believe that controlling food puts you back in the driver’s seat. Of course, it’s also about avoidance. The endless cycle of binging, starving and otherwise being focused on food and your body 100% of the time doesn’t allow much time for dealing with life’s other difficult issues. And when you have a low self esteem, an eating disorder can give you a sense of “being unique, feeling special, having a boost of self esteem by being the thinnest person in the room … because you’re the one who gets patted on the back … and it’s an instant boost to your self esteem,” as Jenni felt. But she added, “eventually I had to find new life coping skills … we need to look at the underlying issues.”

So I asked Jenni what made her feel ready to deal with the underlying issues and begin her seperation from Ed once and for all. She had the tools before and chose not to use them. But eventually she was “sick and tired of feeling sick and tired” and Jenni realized that the pain she had been avoiding through her eating disorder couldn’t be any worse than the pain she suffered because of her eating disorder.” It was time to walk through that pain. Not that healing was ever easy. “I thought the eating disorder was painful, but the truth was, life in the beginning without the eating disorder was more painful because I didn’t know how to deal with feelings and I had never dealt with things so intensely.” Jenni even asked her doctor if it was normal to feel so sad. Eventually she did learn how to cope, and of course a lot of the tools she finally implemented are outlined in her book. She recited her favorite Japanese proverb: fall down seven times, stand up eight. As you go through recovery, you might keep “falling down, but you just have stand up again and keep getting better.”

Breaking off her relationship with Ed has allowed Jenni to finally pursue her dream of becoming a musician in Nashville, Tennessee. I asked Schaefer about the pressures she must face in the entertainment industry, where success is often directly linked to beauty and body size. But after having been through the seriousness of an eating disorder, she realizes that ultimately it comes down to a life or death matter, and that she can’t “play those games anymore”. Further, being at a healthy weight has given her the energy to follow her dreams and she fully believes she would not be where she is today if she was still chained to Ed.

Whether or not you have had a relationship with Ed, Jenni’s story leaves you with a sense of hope that we can all overcome the most difficult of life’s challenges and be all that we were meant to be. She encourages everyone to “find a passion in life and follow it, putting energy into who you are instead of who you don’t want to be.” She has learned to believe in herself, and I hope that you can too.

Recommended Reading:

Life Without Ed: How One Woman Declared Independence from Her Eating Disorder and How You Can Too

Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program That Works

Body Wars

Goodbye Ed, Hello Me: Recover from Your Eating Disorder and Fall in Love with Life (Due out in September)

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