When Weight Loss Is the Ultimate Indicator of Success

If you’ve read some of my more personal posts on VenusVision, or you otherwise know me, you know my body image and food issues go way back. In fact, my first diet was the Beverly Hills Diet at age 7. I don’t remember feeling fat at the time, but for some reason my mom and I went on this diet together (for the record, she wasn’t fat either). The main thing I remember about the diet — which I didn’t realize as such — was that all the nuts and dried fruit were having an “effect” on my digestive system. I was worried about all the trips to the bathroom, but my mom explained that the food was doing its work “cleaning out my system.”

Other early memories include giving my pudding away because I knew it would make me fat, and later on in elementary school, being offered incentives to lose weight (though again, I wasn’t fat, but perhaps on the high end of “normal” and therefore bigger than most of my peers).

The diets increased, though the weight loss never came, and as for so many girls and women it became nothing short of a quest. I was searching for the Holy Grail of weight loss because surely with it would come the label of success which I otherwise felt unable to reach.

I graduated from high school as an honor roll student after pulling my grades out of the gutter. But it didn’t mean anything when I put on my graduation dress and it was tight, revealing my large tummy. (As soon as I took off my graduation gown, I immediately changed out of my dress as well before anyone could see me in it.)

I graduated from college, again with high marks, but still didn’t feel as though I had reached success because I had not lost weight.

I earned a black belt in Karate, but could never stop thinking about how my Ghi pants never got looser during my training.

I ran half marathons, but felt defeated after looking at the race photos and seeing my flabby legs.

I birthed two children but always lamented my flabby middle from which they came.

I completed a triathlon, but worried about how I looked in my wet suit, and cropped the after-race photo before sharing with my friends to avoid showing my legs in my bike shorts.

No matter what great accomplishments I succeeded in, it was always overshadowed by one thing. My failure to lose weight.

Once, actually, I did manage to lose a fair amount of weight, reaching the lowest number on the scale I had ever seen as an adult. When I reached what I thought would be my “goal” weight, I wasn’t happy. That weight did not reveal the body I desired. So still, I felt like a failure.

And of course, any temporary weight loss I ever did manage to achieve was met with what seemed like far more recognition than any other accomplishment. I learned early on to judge others by their weight and assumed accordingly that every person judged me by mine.

So if I was able to do all of these other things, why couldn’t I succeed at the one thing I had been working at my whole life? At least that’s one way of looking at the situation. Of course, another way of looking at it was to ask myself why I defined success almost entirely by a number on a scale or the size clothing I was wearing? And, after living and thinking that way most of my life, how was I going to change that way of thinking?

Well, it’s taken a lot of work, much of which was done with the help of a professional. I have worked on reframing the constant barrage of negative thoughts that used to invade my head 24/7.  In the past, I would take note of every body (not ‘everybody’ but EVERY BODY) that came into my visual range, and compare my body to theirs. Was I thinner or fatter than each person in the room, I would think to myself. Now I still notice everyone in the room, but instead of seeing what might be noted as flaws, I look for their unique characteristics that make them beautiful.

By judging others less on their appearance, and  stopping the constant comparison of myself to them, I was able to begin the work of accepting my body, and end the cycle of constant dieting/deprivation/calorie counting that has made me miserable for so many years. Of course, there were many elements to my progress, many of which are highlighted in the article Celebrate Your Body.

I have come a long way, and most days, I can look in the mirror, noticing all the things about myself I used to see as flaws, and simply see them as they are — parts of me. At the same time, my reflection in the mirror has little do with any of the things I accomplish day to day. All of my successes, both large and small have come about through hard work and dedication, and are — I realize now — completely unrelated to a number on the scale.

Some days, every now and then, the old thoughts come creeping back in, and a voice starts telling me I am fat, but I know now that I need to ignore those voices, not just because they are  negative, but because they are irrelevant. Yet, what I have noticed, is those days crop up when other things are bothering me, and I don’t want to — or don’t know how to — deal with them. Dealing with feelings of self loathing may be pretty terrible, but they are familiar. And like an abusive spouse, you sometimes take comfort in what you know, even if it’s unpleasant.

With new coping tools and more attention to self care, I am now able to concentrate on the deeper issues. The effort it takes to push back at times like this is considerable, but I also know I have come a long way, and the effort is worth it. More importantly, I can finally look at all of the amazing things I have accomplished and take pride in each of them, rather than feeling inadequate

A Confession in Numbers

I am 37 years old. I am 5 feet 5 inches tall. I weigh 159 pounds. I wear a size 36 AA bra. My pant size ranges from a 10 to a 12.

These are numbers that so many people don’t share — at least in full honesty. Some lie about their age or are too embarrassed to admit it. Many lie about their weight, and we’d probably be surprised how many people stretch the truth a bit on their height.

I decided I am going to break the taboo and share my numbers here … publicly … for anyone to see. And guess what … I have not been sucked down into a pit of shame for doing so. To me, they are just numbers. There is no value or meaning behind them. They are a numerical representation of particular facts pertaining to me. But I have not always felt this way.

When I was in my teens and early twenties, I always looked much younger than my age. When I was 17, I was offered a children’s menu at a restaurant. When I was 19, people would ask me what grade (in high school) I was in. When I was 25 people would inquire about my major (when I had completed my degree 4 years prior). For the most part, I was annoyed because if people thought I was younger, they also treated me that way, condescending to me, or at least that’s what I thought. But I also felt mature for my age, and was threatened if people undermined that feeling by assuming I was younger (a clear indication I still had some growing up to do). Of course, as I got older, the tables began to turn, and as the number of times I got carded had an inverse relationship with the number of gray hairs I found, I began to fear aging a little more.

My height, though less of an issue was also something I was insecure about. For most of my young adult life, I was 5 feet, 3 and 3/4 inches. Of course, it was natural to round up, but I hated the idea of being short. That probably stemmed from the fact that my short stature was accompanied by a more rounded shape. Which brings me to the next number: my weight.

Until pretty recently in my life, my weight — whether I knew exactly what it was, or shied away from that knowledge in the pursuit of blissful ignorance — had an enormous impact on my mood. If I woke up feeling great, and stepped on the scale only to find an unexpectedly high number, my mood was instantly deflated, and I might stay depressed for days. The opposite also held true, however, and a low number could add a note of joy to my day. The same could be said for the times I went into a dressing room and tried on an item of clothing. If I tried on my usual size and it was too big, I was overjoyed. If the size I picked out was too tight, I was devastated. Never mind that there are so many factors in what goes behind that number on the tag ranging from cost of fabric to clever marketing.

As for my bra size, well, in this breast-obsessed culture, it can be just as hard to accept small breasts as it can to accept a larger stomach (and even more difficult if you have both!). I sometimes felt humiliated going into Victoria’s Secret and not being able to find a single bra that fit my less endowed chest.

But allowing any of these numbers to have a such an impact on our outlook in life can be so hindering, or worse, damaging. Through a lot of work, I have learned to embrace each of these numbers (though oddly enough, I now measure at 5′5″ — perhaps due to a higher self esteem and better posture??) no matter what they are. I do not fear my age, but embrace the wisdom and experience that has come with each year I have passed.

I do not fear the number on the scale. Learning how to see each of these numbers for what they are has been liberating for me, and I have to say has led me to a more peaceful place in life since I know longer devote the majority of my effort resisting them — mostly the one on the scale.

So, what are your numbers?

Review: America the Beautiful

One of the first questions Darryl Roberts asks in his documentary America the Beautiful is “Who benefits from women not feeling beautiful?” As the film spends the next 105 minutes trying to find the answers to that question, you witness the full impact of our obsession with beauty through tales of girls with eating disorders, plastic surgeries gone wrong, and the whirlwind modeling career of Gerren Taylor who did her first runway shows at the age of 12.

Roberts, who undertook this project after the search for the perfect women led him down an empty road filled with false promises of happiness, examines the different industries that benefit from America’s preoccupation with perfection. One 12-year-old boy interviewed in the film sums it up quite simply when he says “companies put people down to make money”. He realizes already that the more people feel bad about themselves, the more they will seek products and services to improve their self image.  This might explain that while America has 5% of the world’s population, we are exposed to 40% of the world’s advertising. Talking about creating a perfect image, world-renowned fashion photographer Marc Baptiste remarks “at the end of the day, we’re selling dreams”. But of course, they are dreams that can never be realized.

As Roberts follows Gerren’s pursuit of her own dream of becoming a super model, he interweaves her tale with a closer look at the cosmetics industry, the media and their role in creating unattainable expectations for both men and women and the toll that is taken, physically and mentally on our society.

America the Beautiful features insightful interviews of people from all sides of the issue. There is the guy who starts out saying “my idea of a perfect women is, first of all, she’s gotta be hot,” raising the question “is this the person for whom we are trying so hard to reach perfection?” There are interviews with representatives from the media industry some of whom admit to some amount of culpability, while others laugh at the mere suggestion that media has any role on the behaviors of those to whom it is targeted. (Of course, isn’t that why advertising exists in the first place?) We also meet plastic surgeons, toxicologists, and various girls and women who can only see their shortcomings.

My favorite interview though is with Eve Ensler who wrote and performed in the play The Vagina Monologues. As someone who has achieved great success and has been such a strong voice for empowering women worldwide, she would seem above suffering from a poor body image. And yet her description of a conversation with a woman in Africa about not knowing how to love her own body makes the viewer realize that even the strongest of women are vulnerable to the idea that there is such a thing as the perfect body.

Ultimately though she realizes that we all have a vision problem. “Every woman is beautiful in her particular way; if we developed eyes and we develop spirit, we would see that every woman is beautiful.” This statement alone really sums up the whole point of the film, but equally profound is her comment on plastic surgery: “Stop fixing yourself. You were never broken.”

Roberts spends considerable time delving into the darker side of plastic surgery — a side to which every woman considering any procedure should become acquainted. We learn that, thanks to a FTC ruling in 1977, anyone with an M.D. can hang a sign up on their door saying they are a plastic surgeon and start doing business. And there is no end to the procedures that can be done to “enhance” one’s features, including creating “designer vaginas”. But as Eve Ensler says, “to think you’re not tight enough, well, get a bigger dick.”

The film also highlights some startling statistics like the fact that in 2004 Americans spent $12.4 billion on cosmetic surgery, while the estimated cost for basic nutrition and health care in developing countries is $13 billion. In addition, we spend over $45 billion per year on cosmetic and beauty products. And yet, we put little thought into exactly what it is we are applying to our skin. According to Roberts’ research, there are 884 toxic ingredients found in cosmetics. While the EU has banned 450 ingredients commonly used in cosmetics, including the phthalates which have been shown to be toxic to the reproductive system, the FDA has banned only 6 ingredients and continues to allow phthalates which of course the cosmetic industry still argues are perfectly safe.

At one point in the movie, after we question if a woman who has just undergone plastic surgery will awake from anesthesia — which ultimately is what carries the most risk in plastic surgery procedures — Darryl Roberts says he called every man he knew and told them to tell every woman they know that they are beautiful exactly the way they are.

Going back to the beginning of the movie, Roberts draws a correlation between women gaining the right to vote, and the introduction of the Miss America Pageant, suggesting that to keep women from gaining too much power, women were becoming more suppressed by the burden of beauty, requiring a whole new level of preoccupation. I have now seen this movie three times, and each time I am left wondering how much we could change the world if we took all the time, effort, and money that we devote to beauty, and put it towards something important, like world hunger, basic human rights and the protection of our environment. Perhaps one day self-improvement will be equated with improving the lives of those around us, and Robert’s film will remind you that your own beauty has less to do with looking like the photo-shopped pages of a magazine, and more to do with what you radiate from within.

For your chance to win a copy of the Limited Edition America the Beautiful DVD, enter a comment below by 12:00 pm EST December 11, 2009 saying that you would like to win a copy of America the Beautiful. For more chances to win, be sure to become a VenusVision fan on Facebook and follow VenusVision on Twitter (@VenusVision).

Review of Goodbye Ed, Hello Me by Jenni Schaefer

Jenni Schaefer’s first book, Life Without Ed chronicles her journey through the ups and downs of recovering from an eating disorder. At the book’s end, she declares herself truly free from the control of Ed (a common nickname for eating disorders). Now Jenni has written a follow up book entitled Goodbye Ed, Hello Me: Recover from Your Eating Disorder and Fall in Love with Life.*

Before I go on to talk about specifics of the book … before I lose readers who think “I don’t have an eating disorder, so I won’t relate to this book” I want to point out something very important. This book is not just for people dealing with eating disorders. It’s for anyone who has spent their life obsessing about food, yo-yo dieting, hating their bodies, and otherwise doing anything related to food, even if it falls short of an eating disorder. This book is here to tell you too, in no uncertain terms, that you CAN find a life outside of your food and body obsessions.

When I interviewed Jenni earlier this year (you can read the interview here) she admitted that even after finishing her first book, Ed still occasionally made an appearance. In retrospect she sees herself then as being “significantly recovered” but not fully recovered. Goodbye Ed, Hello Me was written when she finally put a restraining order on Ed, forbidding him to ever enter into her life again. Goodbye Ed is about what life is and can be like after you are fully recovered (yes, you CAN fully recover!) from an eating disorder. It’s about, as the subtitle suggests, falling in love with life.

In the first chapter,  Happily Divorced, Jenni details some of her final battles with Ed, when she occasionally allowed her ‘ex’ to woo her once again. But with a support team and “tool box” in place, she finally cut him loose once and for all. What follows in the rest of the book is the story of how Jenni reclaimed her life from a vicious illness that nearly killed her.

Because her entire life had been dominated by a force greater than herself (or so she thought until she sought help), Jenni didn’t experience the normal milestones people have during their development. Sure she got her driver’s license. Yes, she graduated from high school and went on to college. But every thing she did was tinted as she viewed the world through the lens of her eating disorder. As a result, she avoided dating, minimized social contact with friends and family, and avoided pursuing dreams for fear of failure. In her own words, “my eating disorder had become my identity.”

After Ed was forever banished, Jenni had to take time to figure out who she was separate from Ed. It was time for her to regain herself, which sometimes was scary, and at other times, exhilarating. Of course, dating landed more on the side of ’scary’ since she never went through the full motions of dating during her adolescence, and in fact one chapter is entitled the Thirty-Two-Year-Old Adolescent. Learning how not to lose herself in a significant other in the same way she lost herself in her eating disorder was part of the dating process for Jenni, and one that was not without great pain when she walked away from an engagement for that very reason.

But it wasn’t just in dating that Jenni had to learn how to find herself. Practically born pursuing perfectionism, it was time for Jenni to work on letting go, allowing for mistakes, living and learning from them, and not losing herself in every task she undertakes. In every step she took that lead her away from Ed, she also had to walk away from the need to be perfect in everything she does.

Goodbye Ed is not just an account of Jenni’s life after Ed. It’s a guide for women (and men) who want to find themselves after kicking Ed to the curb or who just need the hope that its possible to do so, even if they haven’t divorced from Ed just yet. It is filled with tools that can be applied to any stage of recovery, and yet never once does she assert that the reader must do this or must do that in order to have a fulfilling life without Ed. Jenni is wonderful at relaying the tools that made her succesful in her recovery but frequently acknowledges that different approaches are for different people and encourages the reader to adapt their road to recovery accordingly.

Just like Life Without Ed was not just a book for people suffering from an Eating Disorder, Goodbye Ed provides inspiration for anyone wishing to bring out their best inner self, and shine gloriously without the constraints of food-obsession and a poor body image.

* Goodbye Ed, Hello Me was donated to me by The Center for Change, a residential treatment center for eating disorders.

Why Your Magazine Wants You to Fail

I don’t necessarily believe that the editors at Fitness, Self, Shape, etc. are deliberately trying to sabotage everyone’s self image. Obviously they present a picture of trying to improve it. But promoting everlasting change in the way women feel about themselves and their bodies would eventually lead to the loss of readership. After all, if we were entirely happy with ourselves, why would we buy a magazine based on making us all thinner, sexier, more tone, more beautiful, etc. You can see the contradictions on the covers and with every turn of the page.

When I saw this issue of Fitness magazine, naturally I was interested in the article about loving your body at any size. So I opened it up and looked at the table of contents for the article. They have an “On the Cover” section for quick reference to the cover stories. But there is nothing about “Love Your Body” anywhere to be found. So I go through the whole magazine page by page looking for the article, thinking I must be crazy. Finally I come across an article titled “25 body & beauty things you should stop obsessing about.” This is the article they are featuring on the cover, where Fitness “pulls back the fitting-room curtain to expose what it is about shopping that inspires and intimidates us.”

They go on to suggest we start “loving our bodies at any size — for real.” When you turn the page, you see mostly graphics, pictures and statistics about how much we don’t like our bodies. Tell me something I don’t know. But there is nothing — other than their mandate — that suggests we love our bodies, much less how to go about doing it. Certainly if it were as easy as making the decision to do so, wouldn’t we all choose to love our bodies as they are?

This is not to say there is nothing redeeming about women’s magazines. They offer a lot of good content that I can appreciate, often featuring women that serve as role models for us all and deserve recognition, and I love the recipes my magazines feature. But it’s frustrating that on one page we are being encouraged to “love our bodies” and the next 5 pages feature a woman in a bikini showing us how to “look good in a tank top” by doing these exercises. (They don’t mention the part about cutting calories.) And if that’s not bad enough, then you see ads for getting rid of belly fat by taking little pills, or enhancing your breasts with this cream or that, or get a better sex life by buying this video. If the main features of these magazines aren’t counterproductive, their advertising certainly is. Even when the ad isn’t specifically for “enhancing” our own appearance, you are still likely to see the societal ideal of a woman (most likely photoshopped into perfection) advertising everything from a kitchen stove to a vacation on a cruise. If you’re not ready to cancel your subscription quite yet, then I implore you to take everything with a grain of salt and remember that you are beautiful the way you are. Any quick fixes they suggest don’t promote lasting changes and lead to further frustrations which diminish our self esteem.

Interview With Actress and Screenwriter Joy Nash

Actress and screen writer Joy Nash, 28, is a big woman, or, in her own less euphemistic words, fat. In her film short Fat Rant she proudly announces that she weighs 220 pounds. And she’s ok with that since, she says, fat is just another three letter word. After watching her series of Fat Rant film shorts, I wanted to learn more about Joy, and share her wonderful perspective with VenusVision readers.

In a society that focuses on the two extremes of the constant quest for thinness and the high rate of obesity in our country, Joy rejects both the notion that thinness equals happiness and obesity equals laziness. Growing up, Joy was always the “big girl” among her peers. She recalled with a laugh that her arms were bigger than her friends’ thighs. Joy’s mother did show concern for her larger size and began restricting food “for her own good.” But ultimately Joy recoiled against the restrictions placed on her, took charge of her own eating habits, and in essence announced “I’m the boss of me.” This attitude has served her well in her career as an actress.

Not surprisingly, Joy always knew she wanted to be an actress. She performed in plays beginning in middle school and always got good, supportive feedback. As she got older, she started pursuing solo performances out of frustration that there were not more roles for her. She figured she could sit back and complain about the fact that no one wants to “tell her story” or she could do something about it, and write her own stories. She wrote Fat Rant when she was 21 and in college. At the time her best friend had brain cancer which led to limited physical abilities and ultimately to her premature death. The experience left Joy feeling outraged at the complaints of healthy women who fixated on their “flaws” and allowed their weight and insecurities to limit what they wanted to do — and were perfectly capable of doing — in life. Meanwhile her friend was physically unable to do those same things and yet refused to take ‘no’ for an answer, fighting until the end.

Watching the Fat Rant films certainly gives one the impression that Joy — an apt name I might add — has unwavering self confidence, and I asked her if that was the case. While the films do reflect the way she thinks and feels about herself overall, she reminded me that everyone has good days and bad days. But in general she considers herself “friends” with her body and feels grateful for what it can do, and the fact that she’s in good health. She has never felt like she had to “live up to some type of model standard because I’ve never been anywhere near it.”

Still, being overweight can lead to some emotionally painful moments when others are insensitive or downright rude, particularly when pursuing a career as an actress in LA. When I asked Joy how she handles some of the open criticism about her size that sometimes comes her way, she says she tries to look at the overall situation and realize that ultimately it’s not really about her, but instead it’s about the agenda and narrow mindset of the offending person. “I think it’s really important to not believe the hype … When people are talking shit about you, who are they and why should I believe what you’re telling me. If anyone would say something [negative] to me, then obviously you’re a poison source who I don’t need to be listening to anyway.”

Joy’s self confidence comes in large part from reading fat positive literature and blogs like Fatshionista, where women can find acceptance and encouragement to love the skin they’re in. There is also a section where members also upload photos of themselves in their favorite outfits which has really made a big impact on Joy’s views. “Just seeing people you’re not supposed to see looking beautiful and happy and fashionable, it changes so much. It just takes away the unavailability of everything.” In Fat Rant, she walks through stores like H&M and decries the lack of accessibilty to good fashion for larger woman in stores where the sizes stop at the rarely found 16. (For the record, Joy wears between an 18 and a 22.) But instead of letting it get her down, she has found other stores that believe fashion and larger sizes are compatible. In fact, to supplement her income, she works as a fit model for plus size clothing designers, kind of like a live mannequin, as she says.

At the end of our conversation, I asked Joy if she could create her ideal film role, what would that character be like. That was an easy question because she currently has the star role in the stage production Fat Pig, a story about a “regular guy” falling in love with a fat girl, and the fallout that ensues when his friends can’t handle the new relationship because of her size. If they made that into a movie, Joy said, that would be her ideal role. I have no doubt she’d be fabulous in it.

To see her Fat Rant film shorts, click below:

A Fat Rant

Fat Rant 2: Confessions of the Compulsive

Fat Rant 3: Staircase Wit

Abby Lentz Is Out to Change the Image of Yoga

For most of us, the word ‘yoga’ conjures up image of svelt women in form fitting clothing bending themselves in seemingly impossible ways. Of course, that’s a bit of a stereotype. Nonetheless, we don’t generally associate yoga, and especially yoga instructors, with people who are overweight or obese. Abby Lentz is out to change the image of yoga. An experienced instructor who has been practicing yoga for over 30 years, Abby, who is approaching her 61st birthday weighs upwards of 240 pounds.

Talking to Abby was invigorating and inspiring, and I couldn’t wait to share her experiences and perspectives on life, weight, and exercise with VenusVision readers. When we spoke, I immediately heard the zest for life Abby has. While many overweight and obese women retreat into themselves, hiding their bodies from the world and feeling ashamed about their weight, Abby is a woman who clearly has not let her weight get in the way of living a life full of fun, adventure, and opportunities to learn and grow.

Coming to yoga after the birth of her first child, Abby immediately fell in love with yoga, enjoying the self awareness that came with it, which she believes is the true value of yoga. “People come to the yoga mat thinking about their physical body … but they keep coming because of the sense of well being,” she said. However, yoga can be intimidating to someone who is overweight or obese, when there aren’t a lot of options available when it comes to fitness DVDs. Abby wanted to make yoga accessible to a group of people who would greatly benefit from all it has to offer but don’t have the opportunities for trying it. Going a step further than just a beginners class, Heavyweight Yoga accounts for overweight and obese participants through gentle, encouraging  language, and appropriate poses modified to take into account some of the limitations of someone who is larger.

“Yoga is a wonderful entry point [into exercise] if you’re obese because it can help bring you to a point of having a dedication to your health without risking injury. It gives you that feeling that you’ve started, that you’re making headway. And then when your body tells you it’s ready to do something more aerobic, yoga will be there to help you with that so you will be more mindful in whatever activity you choose and hopefully avoid injury.” Abby provides a safe environment for people to push themselves to the point of what she calls “sweet discomfort.” Abby describes ’sweet discomfort’ as the point to which you work your body to to the edge, and then go just a little bit further.”

Exerting yourself just a little bit more is where you’ll find progress according to Abby. “When you come past your edge, and you gradually move your edge further and further … it helps my students feel like they’re making progress. If you come to your edge every time, you won’t make any progress. You have to be uncomfortable but you don’t want pain.”

Abby points out that “sweet discomfort” is a great message to implement into your real life. “You don’t want to be doing the same thing every day. You have to take a little risk.” Not afraid to apply this philosophy to her own life, Abby has taken on many risks and reaped the benefits of pushing herself to her own point of sweet discomfort. In addition to being a successful yoga instructor with her own DVD and another one coming soon, Abby also considers herself a triathlete and a marathoner, having walked the Dublin City Marathon in 2000.

Up until finishing the Dublin marathon, Abby never thought of herself as an athlete. But after crossing that finish line, it changed her perspective, and she now views herself nothing short of an athlete. Though many might discount her huge accomplishment because she walked the entire marathon, I challenge anyone to walk 26.2 miles in a day, and then tell me how they feel! She finished 7093rd, and while the glass-half-empty outlook would only focus on the fact that 7092 people finished before Abby, she points out that 1.) she finished, 2.) there were more than 100 people who finished after her, and 3.) over 9000 people started the race, meaning that “lots of people didn’t complete the task they came to do.” Abby now proudly identifies herself as a marathoner and feels that the training and completion of the race brought her athleticism to a new level, which has led to her continuing interest in other endurance events. Currently, she is training for her 3rd triathlon, and an upcoming half-marathon.

Since Abby is making her living using her body at an age she points out is when many people are wrapping up their careers, I asked her about her relationship with her body and how that has evolved over time. She shared with me her insecurities about her body that started at the age of 10 when she began to consider herself fat as she was teased relentlessly by an older sibling about her appearance, which, they can now both admit was perfectly normal. But as she points out, body image fluctuates, and learning to feel ok with herself and her body came in large part from teaching yoga and being in front of people, wearing a unitard revealing her full self. “I teach in clothing that allows people to see exactly what I am asking them to do with their bodies. It was always the hardest part for me in the first year.”

When she started teaching, she had already been a student in that same class, so she found herself in a very supportive, familiar environment. But going out into the world made her come face to face with prejudice and stereotypes towards heavier people, as students coming to her class for the first time would assume just about anyone in the classroom was the instructor before imagining that she — the large woman in the unitard at the front of the room, fiddling with the CD player — could possibly be the instructor. When Abby sensed a look of disbelief, reading behind their eyes the question “What could this fat person possibly know?” those were the nights she would really “kick butt” to show them exactly what she has to offer, since, after all she’s been “doing this longer than most of them have been breathing.” And any issues she has with her self and her own body “melt away” when she hears the wonderful, enthusiastic response she receives from so many people who have benefitted from her program.

Wanting to capture the essence of her spirit and share it with my readers, I asked Abby what she would suggest, beyond yoga, to help women become more comfortable with their bodies, and learn to love themselves unconditionally. She emphasized the importance of hobbies, and finding something you love, but encourages women to focus their energy on hobbies that get them moving. It doesn’t have to be running, or biking, or even walking, which she is not particularly fond of. It can be anything, even skipping, as she suggested. Just something that makes you feel good and makes your body move. But she also emphasized the importance of being good to yourself in a variety of ways, like getting a facial, taking or bath, or simply taking time out to do something that you love. And, she added, “let yourself eat!”

In Abby’s yoga instruction, you’ll see more than some difficult poses. She incorporates what she calls the 3 As: awareness, acceptance and affection. She believes that every woman — every person has the right and ability to feel good in their bodies, and she is on a mission to help them get there. “Embrace small changes and the big changes will come,” she said, adding “It’s not how your body looks, it’s how your inner body feels … every day your body is different, and if you can love your body as it is today, that’s a big deal.”

Though completing a marathon and other athletic events mark major milestones in Abby’s life, I was curious as to what else she considered some of her greatest accomplishments. But really it all comes back to yoga, and everything she has gained from it. “It’s a minor miracle that I am on the yoga mat teaching people yoga. It’s unbelievably cool that somebody of my size can be doing this, making a living, that people trust me. It brings tears to my eyes.” She recognizes the power of the relationship between teacher and student. “When you teach anything you are as much a student learning as the people in front of you and I’m really grateful for all the lessons. If I’m not teaching, I’m also not learning.”

Following her dreams and making things happen is something Abby has proven that she’s good at and she reminded me that “there’s more than just one dream, and you can always take your dream and drop it to a level that’s really achievable. And, sometimes just saying “I tried” is something.”

Wrapping up our conversation, Abby shared her favorite poem by Rumi with me:

Thank you Abby, for opening up a world to so many people, and allowing them to come.

To learn more about Abby, visit HeartFeltYoga.com or you can purchase her DVD directly: HeavyWeight Yoga: Yoga for the Body You Have Today.

Book Review: Intuitive Eating, A Revolutionary Program That Works

You eat when you’re bored. You eat when you’re stressed. You eat when you’re out having fun. You may eat for any number of reasons, none of which include hunger. In fact, maybe you don’t even know what hunger feels like.

This is what happens when we have ridden the roller coaster of diet mania. Dependent on the latest news of what we should and shouldn’t eat in the name of losing weight, so many of us no longer know how to listen to our bodies. Going back and forth between restricting and binging, it’s like our body’s signals have gone hay wire, and we need nothing short of a “re-booting” to set things straight again. The problem is, how do we re-boot? In other words, how do we regain that ability — one that most of us probably had at some point in our lives, maybe as long ago as when we were kids — to listen to our bodies and eat intuitively? It probably won’t surprise you when I say the answer is in a book.

Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program That Works was written by two Registered Dietitians, Evelyn Tribole, and Elyse Resch, and is a highly accessible, well-written book outlining the process for getting in touch with your body and learning what we knew as children — how to eat intuitively. Most of us once had the ability to listen to our body’s signals, eating when we’re hungry, and stopping when we’ve had enough. We seem to lose that ability, whether its through the introduction of food as a coping mechanism, comforting us when we’re hurt, sad, bored, lonely, stressed, angry, etc., or through the the black and white view of food that we come to have through the pressures of society to be thin, or, most likely, both.

Intuitive Eating outlines a process for regaining the ability to listen to our bodies and comfortably trust ourselves with food, as well as learning move for the sake of feeling good — not burning off last night’s desert. Though you may have been riding the diet roller coaster for so long that you believe it is actually impossible for you to ever learn to intuitively eat, I would suggest that the principles proposed by Tribole and Resch go to the core of the dieter’s mentality, and bit by bit break down the reasons why diets inevitably don’t and won’t work.

After going through why your diets continue to fail you, the book describes different types of eaters and helps you determine which group you fall into. By understanding what kind of eater you are, you can begin to chip away at the barriers you have to listening to your body by following the ten principles of intuitive eating:

Princple 1: Reject the Diet Mentality
Princple 2: Honor Your Hunger
Princple 3: Make Peace with Food
Princple 4: Challenge the Food Police
Princple 5: Feel Your Fullness
Princple 6: Discover the Satisfaction Factor
Princple 7: Cope with Your Emotions Without Using Food
Princple 8: Respect Your Body
Princple 9: Exercise — Feel the Difference
Princple 10: Honor Your Health — Gentle Nutrition

By highlighting the principles here, I am in no way offering a substitute for the book. Each process is supported by examples and methods for internalizing the concept. Intuitive Eating is not a quick-fix, solve-all-your-food problems, self-help book. It offers a common sense approach to changing your relationship with food and your body, allowing you to live a life not dominated by thoughts of food and your body size, but instead filled with the pleasures food and your body can provide you.

If you are looking for yet another way to lose 10, 20, or 50 pounds before your next event, perhaps you are not ready for this book. But if you are ready to start living your life free from self deprivation and self loathing, then this book is for you.

How to Love the Skin You’re In

by Esther Kane

I know of no other season that causes women so much angst as the summer time- that glorious time of year when it’s hot and muggy out and we’re invited to the beach/pool/lake to enjoy the good weather by donning our bathing suits (which appear to be made smaller by the year) and luxuriating in the sunshine on our beach towels.

I’m sure I’m not alone when I state that nothing makes me nuttier than when I’m expected to wear a bathing suit out in public. I transform from being a mature, worldly, educated, competent woman into an insecure neurotic obsessed being who curls into a ball and cries at the thought of wearing a one-piece- okay, maybe I’d consider a “tankini” (Goddess bless whomever invented those woman-friendly two piece getups). Why does this happen to me and to so many of us?

As a psychotherapist who specializes in helping women with food and body image, I have given this much thought and what I believe it comes down to are the following:

• Media portrayals of stick-thin women as being the only ‘normal’ and acceptable size and shape for women
• The pernicious and yet powerful diet industry that is always trying to convince us that we, too, can be thin if we just have enough willpower
• The “thinness is next to godliness” cult-like phenomenon our society has developed over the last century
• Our worship of physical fitness and health which is defined by over-exercising (often to the point of injury) and eating a pure and wholesome diet (those who transgress are often scorned in public and behind their backs)
• Competition amongst ourselves- how many times have you been praised by other women for losing weight, only to be met with disapproving looks from the same women when you gain it back?

Summer will be more enjoyable if you remember the following…

ESTHER’S TOP FIVE TIPS FOR LOVING THE SKIN YOU’RE IN

• Remember this fact: 98% of women are not built like fashion models and come in a variety of shapes and sizes and the majority of these women are not thin.
• Remember the reason you’re baring skin in the first place- to do fun and relaxing activities that you enjoy like swimming, feeling the sun on your skin, lying around reading a good book, or playing with your kids- you’re not in a fashion show.
• Remind yourself that the people around you are not obsessing about the size or shape of your body; that’s YOUR stuff- they’ve got other more important things to be thinking about.
• If you want younger generations of women to love and accept their bodies, be a role model and show them that you don’t buy into media stereotypes of how women are supposed to look.
• Eat sensibly and exercise regularly but don’t be obsessive about it- you’ll feel better about yourself and your body as a result.

Esther Kane, MSW, Registered Clinical Counsellor, is the author of the book and audio program, “It’s Not About the Food: A  Woman’s Guide To Making Peace with Food and Our Bodies” and “Dump That Chump”, and “What Your Mama Can’t or Won’t Teach You”.  Sign up for her free monthly e-zine, Women’s Community Counsellor, to uplift and inspire women at EstherKane.com.

Celebrate Your Body

Do you love your body? No, I’m not talking about looking in the mirror every day, and saying “Wow!” Not the kind of love that comes from a guy that says “hey, your body is hot!” I am talking about love on a deeper level. I am talking about the kind of love that is based on respect and trust and appreciation. If you’re saying “huh?” then maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your relationship with your body.

It seems to be that younger and younger girls are comparing their bodies to one another, noticing who is fat and who is thin, and as they progress into puberty, who has the biggest, smallest, or perkiest breasts. Just the other day, a friend was telling me that she heard a bunch of first-grade girls talking about whose mother was the thinnest and whose was the fattest. It only gets worse as they get older. As physical appearance becomes more and more of the focus of girls and adolescents, they examine, admire or criticize every feature on their own bodies and those of every girl around them. And thus they learn — through a variety of influences — to begin to judge their bodies based on what they see around them. To some extent this process is natural, particularly in adolescence.  But when we assign values to these differences, rather than just recognizing them for exactly that — differences — then it can create a poor self-body image that can last a lifetime.

Your relationship with your body may not be something you have put a lot of thought into. After all, doesn’t everyone want to change their body? It seems normal to be unhappy in the skin you are in. Do you know any woman who isn’t one of the following: on a diet, a work-out fiend, or feeling like she should be on a diet or a work-out fiend? This diet mentality our culture has created leaves us with virtually no choice but to hate our bodies and think that happiness comes in a size 2.

Someone close to me recently said, “I hear that women are A LOT more comfortable in their own skin in their 40s.  So that’s one reason I’m looking forward to my 40s.” But I believe it is possible to break free from the cycle of self loathing based on what you see in the mirror and be comfortable in your own skin NOW. It does takes work, and the motivation to want to make peace with your body, at any size, but ultimately the ability to love yourself unconditionally — and the contentment that comes with that — is worth the effort.

An important component to accepting yourself is to stop judging others by their physical attributes. When you are walking through the mall, do you notice the appearance of every woman around you? In your head do you hear things like “That woman has such thin legs.” “She has the perfect butt.” “Her stomach is so flat.” “Those breasts are so perky and round.” “She has goddess hair!”

It may seem innocent enough to make those quiet observations, but following each one, are probably thoughts like “I wish my legs were that thin.” ” I wish my butt looked that good.” “I’d be so much more attractive if my stomach were flat.” “I’d probably get a lot more attention if my breasts looked that good.” “I’ll never have hair as beautiful as hers.”

Each time you make an observation about someone else’s appearance, you might use it to degrade yourself and chip away at your own self image. You are admiring in them what you wish you had in yourself, probably because you believe you ultimately would be a happier, more fulfilled person if you looked like someone else. Conversely, if you find yourself criticizing an equal number of women for their flaws, “oh my god, look at that muffin-top”, or “wow, at least I’m not that big”, you are still judging in them what you most dislike or fear in yourself. Maybe you don’t look like them now, but you are worried that you could or will look like them some day (or maybe you did in the past), and that would make you less valuable as a person in your eyes.

To break the habit of judging other women, find something about them to admire that doesn’t have to do with their physical attributes. If it’s someone you know, you can reflect on what a good mother they are, or a talent they have for sewing, or some other craft. Maybe she has a great pair of earrings you admire. Find something positive to reflect on because the more you hear a postive voice in your head, the more you will be able to reflect positively on yourself.

And speaking of yourself, it’s time to tackle those thoughts you have when you look in the mirror. Or maybe you avoid looking in the mirror at all. But if you don’t find love for yourself, and if can’t find a way to face what you see in the mirror now, you will never have a body you can feel proud of and find the happiness you deserve. You may wonder how you can love your body, and you might even be fearful that loving your body at its current size will lead you into complacency, encouraging you to live out your life as a couch potato with no motivation to be healthy. But I would argue that part of loving your body is to strive to be healthy.

Last year, while attending a congressional hearing on eating disorders and health insurance issues pertaining to mental health, I asked the panel, “How do you balance the concept of loving and accepting your body with addressing the obesity epidemic our country faces?” The response I was given supports the idea that when you truly love your body, you naturally want to do right by it, and the decisions you make in your day-to-day life will lead you to better health. Remember, loving your body doesn’t have to mean you don’t want to change it for the better. But it does mean listening to it and treating it with respect.

When you really do respect your body — with all of its imperfections — you will be more in tune to what your body needs, and how it feels. Then suddenly, when you eat a whole pint of ice cream, instead of feeling guilty about the number of calories and fat you consumed, you are more aware simply of how it makes your body feel, and you may just realize that physically you feel pretty terrible. Just like it only takes a couple of times for you to realize how much alchohol it takes to put you past the point of comfort, it may just be that after a couple of times of listening to your body during and after a binge, you realize how awful it feels. In the past, you probably were so consumed with guilt and worry after binging, you were numb to the signals your body was sending you saying “Hey! I’ve had enough, this doeesn’t feel very good.” But by forming a better relationship with your body, you can learn to honor it. To take a line from the book Intuitive Eating, “respecting your body means taking care of your health.” They go on to add, “You don’t have to like every part of your body to respect it. In fact, you don’t have to immediately accept where your body is now to respect. Respecting your body means treating with dignity, and meeting its basic needs.”

In the same way that you can stop judging others, you can stop judging yourself. When you hear negative thoughts about yourself in your head, step in and replace them with positive thoughts. If you can, start by focusing on one body part that you do actually like. Maybe it’s your hair, maybe it’s your lips, maybe it’s your feet. It doesn’t really matter what body part it is, as long as it is one that makes you feel good when you reflect on. For some people though, even this step is difficult. Maybe there is nothing about your physical appearance that you can appreciate right now. If that’s the case, you can reflect on the functionality of certain body parts, without which you would no doubt feel lacking. If you don’t like how your legs look, reflect on their strength and how they carry you where you want to go. If you feel negatively about your arms, think of how they carry, hold, and comfort your children or other loved ones. If you hate your stomach, think about the magnifcance of the machinery inside, digesting your food and nourishing your body, because really, no matter what your body looks like, it IS a magificent piece of machinery. Not only do our bodies carry us through life, they make life!

Finding a physical activity you enjoy can you help you appreciate your body and all it can for for you. It doesn’t have to be the strenuous high-impact aerobics class you might think you need to do to burn a ton of calories. It can be something as simple as gardening, or taking walks, or riding your bike, not for the sake of repenting your eating “sins” from the night before, but for the pleasure of moving. Feel your muscles as they work for you, lifting you, propelling you forward, carrying your body through your activity. Appreciate the motions that move you.

Often times, when we feel unattractive, it’s as if we set out to prove a point by giving up on our appearance. We wear clothes that aren’t flattering and/or don’t fit. We don’t bother doing much, if anything with our hair. And make-up? Forget it! But it’s amazing how making a few changes in your clothes, hair and make-up can go a long way to transforming you and making you feel better and more attractive, without ever shedding a pound. Have you ever seen the show What Not to Wear on The Learning Channel? Time and time again they feature women with no self confidence, and a poor body image. Sure, some women are simply misguided in their fashion sense, but the vast majority of participants on the show are women that have basically just given up on the idea that they can ever look good. But if you look through their before and after galleries, you can see what an amazing difference a few changes can make. Of course, you don’t have to go on the show to find out how to dress for your shape and size. They offer some great hard-to-fit tips on their web site.

I realize not every one can go out and buy a whole new wardrobe. Still, you can re-evaluate what you do have in your closet, figure out what looks best on you, and let go of the things don’t and may never fit, especially your “goal” clothes. You know what I am talking about … clothes you are convinced will motivate you to lose weight, by looking back at you every day and telling you that you are worthless until you fit into them. At the very least, get rid of the clothes that make you feel feel like you are going to pop every time you wear them. Who needs a constant reminder that you are too big for you clothes? If you think it will serve as a reminder to control your eating, ask yourself “Has it worked so far?”. Probably not.

If it is in your budget to buy some new clothes, then do it. Stop telling yourself you don’t deserve new, attractive clothes until you lose weight. You deserve to look and feel good all the time, so stop punishing yourself. If you’ve been dying to get a new pair of jeans, get them now! And don’t get your heart set on a certain style that quite honestly might not work with your body shape. Instead find fits that are flattering on your body … the one you have now. And no excuses about how they don’t make cute, attractive clothes in your size. There is good fashion for every shape and size, it’s just sometimes a little harder to find (and a good tailor doesn’t hurt). All the major retail chains have offer a great selection of plus sizes, and Lane Bryant makes plus size fashions that can make anyone feel beautiful.

Good fitting undergarments can go a long way to boosting your self confidence too. You may be asking, “What does underwear have to do with anything, when nobody sees it?”. First of all, no one may see the bra you’re wearing, but they sure as heck can tell if it fits you properly. If you’re bulging out of your bra, or your breasts are literally weighing you down, it’s not just uncomfortable to you, it noticeable to everyone else. A good fitting bra can help your posture, and leave you feeling more comfortable in general. (For more on bras, read Taking Care of the “Girls”.) Plus, you might just get a surprising boost to your self confidence when you don a little sexy lingerie. And don’t let your size stop you from feeling sexy. There’s plenty of lingerie out there for all sizes, big and small.

Finally, if you really do need to lose weight, you need to take another look at your goals. First of all, are you trying to lose weight because there are health concerns, and it’s effecting your quality of life because every day things are much harder to do? If that’s the case, then avoid focusing on numbers, and instead try to pay attention to how your body feels as you learn to listen to it more. Instead of measuring your changes by numbers on the scale or a size on a tag, base your goals on measurements of what your body can do. Maybe going up the stairs takes your breath away, so when you can go up the stairs without becoming breathless, that’s something to celebrate! When you can play with your kids longer, chasing them around because your body feels better, that’s something to feel good about. (For more on finding other measures of success, read Do Numbers Rule Your Life?)

Maybe, in reality, your body is already at a healthy weight but because you don’t believe it meets the societal idea for thinness, you are unhappy with your body and want to lose more weight. Check in with yourself, dig dip, and try to determine why you really want to lose weight. What in your life will change when you are ten pounds lighter? Will you be happier? Maybe … temporarily, but sooner or later, you will realize that happiness doesn’t come in a size 2. Happiness comes from within. And until you love and respect your body, happiness will always be the next size down.

If you have a daughter, imagine knowing that she feels about her body, the same way you feel about yours. No matter what her size, wouldn’t you want her … wouldn’t you encourage her to feel good about herself. Wouldn’t you want your own daughter to realize her self-worth was based on more than her size, and wouldn’t you always encourage her to find ways to feel good about herself that don’t involve comparing her body to every other girl? If the thought of your own daughter beating herself up contstantly breaks your heart, then you need to imagine your inner self as a child whom has become the recipient of your contsant abuse through negative thoughts, and it’s time to stop the abuse. You love your friends, your family, your spouse or partner, your children, unconditionally, overlooking, and even embracing their imperfections. It’s time to treat your own body with the same love and respect.

« Previous Page — Next Page »