Now I’m not so sure. Why should I be cautious with my optimism? Why can’t I just be optimistic outright? Yes, holding back on optimism is a way of protecting ourselves from disappointment, but by expecting less than the best from our futures are we shorting ourselves on the power of hope?

Just because I am optimistic doesn’t mean I am not being realistic. I am well qualified for the graduate program to which I have applied, and feel that I would make an excellent student within the program. But I know that there may be more well qualified people than openings in the program, and regardless of my expectations, I will be disappointed if I am not admitted into the program. Being cautious about my feelings really won’t provide much buffer against that disappointment, and the reality is, disappointment is a part of life. It’s how we learn to grow, adapt, change, and find new paths. It is not something to shield ourselves from, but instead channel into something purposeful.

How do you approach your future? Do you live your life expecting the worst to avoid being let down or do you open your hear to the endless possibilities life holds for you?

Let me preface this review by saying I am not a religious person, and when the book was first brought to my attention, I initially dismissed it, turned off by the title. I didn’t feel that God has anything to do with my relationship with food, and, I was guilty of judging a book by its cover (or in this case, the title). So, if you are inclined to dismiss it for those reasons, don’t. The book is less about God, and more about finding a space within ourselves — a space we often fill with food, rather than exploring to its depths. Some people, when they open themselves up to that space have a name for it in God. Others might define it in broader terms like spirituality. And some might simply feel it as being one with themselves and all around them. The point of the book is to demonstrate how the relationship so many people (or more specifically in this book, women) have with food keeps us from any of those things, and more importantly how to change that relationship.

In part one, Roth addresses the “God” part of the book and how God related to dieting for her in the past. “Dieting was like praying. It was a plaintive cry to whoever was listening: I know I am fat. I know I am ugly. I know I am undisciplined, but see how hard I try. See how violently I restrict myself, deprive myself, punish myself. Sure there must be a reward for those who know how horrible they are.” She talks about how dieting gave her a purpose — perhaps much in the same way religion might for some people, and then she goes on to say “bingeing gave me relief from the relentless attempt to be someone else.”

Roth has written many books (which I am sad to say I have not yet read) on the subject of emotional eating, but a realization she says she has only recently come to is that “the radical part of the tale is not that I stopped dieting; it’s that I stopped trying to fix myself.” This reminded me of a similar realization I came to and wrote about in the article Self Acceptance vs Body Acceptance in which I proclaimed to end the urge to fix myself.

And yet, it is often hard to imagine a world in which we are not constantly trying to fix ourselves, especially our bodies. For one, it’s how women have learned to relate to each other. As Roth points out, “we fit in by hating ourselves.” I’m sure from time to time you come across that person who seems to hold that secret to happiness and balance the rest of us struggle daily to find, and isn’t there just a tad of resentment towards them? Maybe you’re just waiting to see them fall in order to prove they too  are actually imperfect humans like you, which probably explains our obsession with celebrities and the great joy many find in seeing photos of their cellulite and jelly rolls as we go through the check out line with smirks on our faces. It’s almost as if there is something wrong with someone if they don’t hate themselves — or at least some part of themselves. And yet, the ability to see their imperfections and embrace them as part of a greater whole is what makes them happy, and it’s the lack of that ability that keeps others from achieving true happiness.

It’s also hard to let go of the belief that achieving weight loss will be accompanied with the answers to all of our problems. Though on a rational level, we can understand that a number on the scale won’t change the world, “the promise of weight loss is that it will allow [us] to live on a magical piece of earth from which everything else will be manageable … If I fix myself so that I am no longer myself, then everything will be fine. My feelings will be manageable.”

In the chapter entitled “Never Underestimate the Inclination to Bolt” Roth addresses head on why we might avoid overcoming compulsive eating (or dieting). She bluntly states it when she says “compulsive eaters wouldn’t have an obsession with food if we believed that life was tolerable without it … There is madness in obsession, yes, but its value is that it drowns out the madness of life.” This sentiment is followed by the chapter that hooked me on the book: It’s Not About the Weight, but It’s Not Not About the Weight. And that’s when Roth goes on to explain the conundrum of addressing the very real problems that are created by excess weight: diabetes, joint pain, shortness of breath, and for many, a general decrease in the quality of life due to health complications, while all the while trying to unsurface the deeper issues which are being covered up by the weight problems. Here is a very poignant passage from the chapter:

“The bottom line, whether you weight 340 pounds or 150 pounds, is that when you eat when you are not hungry, you are using food as a drug, grappling with boredom, or illness or loss or grief or emptiness or loneliness or rejection. Food is only the middleman, the means to the end. Of altering your emotions. Of making yourself numb. Of creating a secondary problem when the original problem becomes too uncomfortable. Of dying slowly rather than coming to terms with your messy, magnificent and very, very short — even at a hundred years old — life. The means to these ends happens to be food, but it could be alcohol, it could be work, it could be sex, it could be cocaine. Surfing the Internet. Talking on the phone … Weight (too much or too little) is a by product. Weight is what happens when you use food to flatten your life.”

And, if you’re thinking your compulsive eating stems from a simple case of too much love for food, Roth has an answer for that too: “When you like something — love something, you take time with it you want to be present for every second of the rapture … Overeating does not lead to rapture. It leads to burping and farting and being so sick that you can’t think of anything but how full you are. That’s not love; that’s suffering.” How can you love something that makes you sick over and over again? It’s like returning to an abusive partner every time they say they are sorry, and really, they do love you, and really, it won’t happen again. But like so many women who are abused and feel that they somehow deserve the abuse — as if they brought it on themselves, compulsive eaters and dieters continue to punish themselves through their relationship with food because they don’t feel worthy of something better.

Like most other books that address emotional eating, Women Food and God is for those ready to do some serious work and reflection on their lives. Roth challenges the reader to face head on the pain and uncomfortable feelings that drive them to eat when they’re bodies are telling them not to. What she reminds the reader over and over throughout the book is that the very feelings they feel will destroy them are the same feelings that allow us — everyone of us to feel alive. If you are ready to top numbing yourself with food and dieting, start feeling alive, this beautiful written, incredibly powerful book is for you.

by C.Reed Weber

We had a big thunderstorm the other day. I happened to be sitting near two women when a tremendous roll of thunder shook the windows of the shop we were in. The younger woman, mother of three young children, shivered, “I hate storms. They frighten me. I hate to be around the kids when there’s a storm, because I don’t want them to see I’m scared.”

“It’s bad for them to see you are afraid,” agreed the older woman.

I pondered this for a moment before I spoke to the younger woman, “Sometimes it isn’t about not being afraid, it’s about being afraid and having the courage to face the fear.” Both women made noises of agreement in response to my statement, but I don’t think they really understand what I was trying to say.

I was trying to convey is that it isn’t important to be unafraid. What is important is being afraid and facing the fear. Too often, adults feel they need to be fearless and when they find they cannot, they become angry at themselves. It’s okay to be afraid; no one is immune to fear, but how an individual deals with fear is part of what defines character.

In the classic Western, High Noon, Gary Cooper’s character is Marshall of a frontier town. A criminal he sent to be hanged has been pardoned and is returning on the noon train to face him. The townspeople urge the Marshall to run away. At first, he and his wife leave. But the Marshall realizes he can’t run away from the problem and returns to town. The film explores how he deals with the fear of his own mortality and how he eventually is able to face both his fear and his would-be executioner.

There seems to be a mysterious disconnect between what adults feel adults should be, and what adults are in reality. Adults are not children who have outgrown emotional responses. Children become adults when they learn to manage their emotional responses.

C.Reed Weber has been writing since she first discovered an unguarded pencil and continues today as a freelance journalist and grant writer. Living Beyond the Worst has been adapted from Happy Thoughts, a collection of email columns she wrote for friends and family during 2008-2009. Weber is currently working on developing Happy Thoughts into a book. You can purchase mini-volumes of Happy Thoughts from her Etsy site.

By C.Reed Weber

What is the bravest thing you’ve ever done? You may be thinking sky diving or hang gliding, but you might want to think in a different direction. Think about incidents in your life when you did something despite being afraid of what would happen. Maybe you spoke up in defense of someone or took responsibility for an accident. Being brave, having courage, is not about being fearless, but about understanding the consequences and still going forward.

Growing older and becoming more settled in your life can make it more difficult to break away and make changes. This is true even if the change is positive, will benefit you, and you want to.  It takes determination to make a change in your routine, but it takes courage to make a significant change in your life … courage to let go of what you’ve known and let yourself experience something new.

But things rarely change overnight. Change generally happens over time, which is a good thing for those of us who are not ready. We have time to work ourselves up to it, letting go of the old ways and transitioning into the new ways. This sort of ‘easing in’ approach requires us to have a little bit of courage each day.

There is a story about a farm boy who met with a wandering soldier who told exciting tales of  travel and bravery in battle. The boy begged the soldier “Let me join you, because I do not want to waste my life farming. I want to prove how brave I am and stand beside you in battle!” The soldier shook his head and said, “It is not brave to leave home to fight battles. Rather, it takes courage to break your back plowing and planting, and shouldering the burden of being responsible for others. To feed them and clothe them and know when you wake every morning that they will be depending on you. It takes courage to stay and be responsible.”

“Courage doesn’t always roar.  Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.”  ~Mary Anne Radmacher

C.Reed Weber has been writing since she first discovered an unguarded pencil and continues today as a freelance journalist and grant writer. Living Beyond the Worst has been adapted from Happy Thoughts, a collection of email columns she wrote for friends and family during 2008-2009. Weber is currently working on developing Happy Thoughts into a book. You can purchase mini-volumes of Happy Thoughts from her Etsy site.

by Esther Kane

I know of no other season that causes women so much angst as the summer time- that glorious time of year when it’s hot and muggy out and we’re invited to the beach/pool/lake to enjoy the good weather by donning our bathing suits (which appear to be made smaller by the year) and luxuriating in the sunshine on our beach towels.

I’m sure I’m not alone when I state that nothing makes me nuttier than when I’m expected to wear a bathing suit out in public. I transform from being a mature, worldly, educated, competent woman into an insecure neurotic obsessed being who curls into a ball and cries at the thought of wearing a one-piece- okay, maybe I’d consider a “tankini” (Goddess bless whomever invented those woman-friendly two piece getups). Why does this happen to me and to so many of us?

As a psychotherapist who specializes in helping women with food and body image, I have given this much thought and what I believe it comes down to are the following:

• Media portrayals of stick-thin women as being the only ‘normal’ and acceptable size and shape for women
• The pernicious and yet powerful diet industry that is always trying to convince us that we, too, can be thin if we just have enough willpower
• The “thinness is next to godliness” cult-like phenomenon our society has developed over the last century
• Our worship of physical fitness and health which is defined by over-exercising (often to the point of injury) and eating a pure and wholesome diet (those who transgress are often scorned in public and behind their backs)
• Competition amongst ourselves- how many times have you been praised by other women for losing weight, only to be met with disapproving looks from the same women when you gain it back?

Summer will be more enjoyable if you remember the following…

ESTHER’S TOP FIVE TIPS FOR LOVING THE SKIN YOU’RE IN

• Remember this fact: 98% of women are not built like fashion models and come in a variety of shapes and sizes and the majority of these women are not thin.
• Remember the reason you’re baring skin in the first place- to do fun and relaxing activities that you enjoy like swimming, feeling the sun on your skin, lying around reading a good book, or playing with your kids- you’re not in a fashion show.
• Remind yourself that the people around you are not obsessing about the size or shape of your body; that’s YOUR stuff- they’ve got other more important things to be thinking about.
• If you want younger generations of women to love and accept their bodies, be a role model and show them that you don’t buy into media stereotypes of how women are supposed to look.
• Eat sensibly and exercise regularly but don’t be obsessive about it- you’ll feel better about yourself and your body as a result.

Esther Kane, MSW, Registered Clinical Counsellor, is the author of the book and audio program, “It’s Not About the Food: A  Woman’s Guide To Making Peace with Food and Our Bodies” and “Dump That Chump”, and “What Your Mama Can’t or Won’t Teach You”.  Sign up for her free monthly e-zine, Women’s Community Counsellor, to uplift and inspire women at EstherKane.com.

FEAR

Fear takes control of us. It dictates who we talk to and about what. It keeps us from tackling things that could actually be beneficial. Like heavy chains, it holds us back and keeps us from living our lives to the fullest. Fear ruins what could be our most treasured moments. But what exactly are we afraid of?

In most animals, fear has proven to be an asset. If the bunny doesn’t worry about the whereabouts of the fox, chances are–its fearless self is likely to become a meal. Nowadays most of us who live in cities with modern technology don’t need to be concerned about being gobbled up by a bigger animal. The grocery store has pretty much eliminated our need to hunt. We’re safe! So why do we continue to fear and fret?

Our society has developed a communal anxiety disorder. Human beings can no longer discriminate between a lion staring us in the face or an approaching work deadline. This leaves us constantly on edge and constantly afraid. What we continually forget is that if we miss the work deadline, chances are slim that we’ll be literally eaten alive. A slight reprimand is slightly different than losing a limb.

Fear continues to negatively impact us on a daily basis. How do we set ourselves free? How do we escape our fear-filled prisons?

We stop listening to fear! It may seem easier said than done right now, but every person is capable of reclaiming their life. It only takes a little concentration. Here are my own top ten ways to fight fear:

Top Ten Ways to Fight Fear

10) Remind yourself that letting fear affect you is selfish. I balked when I first heard this, and I almost walked out of the lecture hall. But as time goes on, the truth of those words become more and more apparent. Fear often keeps us from doing our best. It ends up being our scapegoat when our performances aren’t up to par. Don’t be selfish! Own up to your potential. The only person you’re hurting by not trying your best is yourself. Usually even the people for whom you are attempting to perform want you to do your best!

9) Break down whatever it is that has you so upset. Things tend to look less scary in pieces. The old scientific method can take the foreboding mood off of anything. I use this strategy in dealing with friendship issues. For example, if a friend is mad at me and has told others about how I am a terrible person, I ask myself if there has been anything I could have done to cause this. Then, I politely and tactfully confront them directly. Not only is it a time saver, but is usually keeps the friendship intact. In some cases, my friend and I have even gotten closer thanks to this method.

8.) Do one small thing per day that may intimidate you but is good for you. If you are shy, strike up a conversation with a stranger. It’s easier than you think! A question or compliment can earn you a valuable friendship. I have a fear “to do” list that I carry around with me. Baby steps towards an adult goal helps you get used to the water. You can get more comfortable with your fears step by step instead of diving in head first (which can be terrifying).

7) Make an encouragement buddy. If you’re aware that someone shares your same concerns, use the encouragement buddy system! Encouragement is so underrated in today’s society. You and your buddy can encourage each other to conquer your fear together. And nothing feels better than receiving genuine praise for something that was difficult for you. It can be incredibly motivating!

6) Persevere. Understand that you’re not going to become fearless overnight. You may occasionally revert, but the idea is to strive to achieve your best daily. Even President Lincoln had setbacks! Check out Lincoln’s whole story if you want to be inspired. The legendary Emancipator endured more trials and tribulations in those 30 years than most of will endure in our entire lifetime. If he could stick to it, so can you!

5) Speaking of inspiration, inspire yourself. Inspirational quotes, comics, and pictures are all over the internet! Transfer them to post-its. Then leave them in places you’ll discover when you need them. As Aristotle once said, “Happiness is the state of activity.” You may have to actively try to stop thinking about your fear, but it will be worth it. I currently have Gilda Radner motivating my coffee table. “While we have the gift of life, it seems to me the only tragedy is to allow part of us to die–whether it is our spirit, our creativity, or our glorious uniqueness.”

4) Never take life too seriously. If you can laugh it off, laugh it off. It’s easier to get through the day with a smile on your face than a frown weighing you down. Find a couple of pictures, cartoons, etc. that make you belly laugh. It’s important that it be something that has you laughing out loud. Now memorize it. Next time you are to face something that scares you–remember your laughing place. If you lighten up, it’s doubtful your problems will remain heavy. These Savage Chickens comics make me laugh. How about you?

3) Take off running. No! Not away from your issues. Exercise charges your body with endorphins. Endorphins encourage a positive sense of well being. Even a brisk 20-minute walk can help get those positive vibes going. Eating balanced meals and getting enough sleep is also a given for bringing out your brave side. A sound body and mind is more capable of making sound choices than a deprived body/mind.

2) Embrace that you’re not the only one who experiences these feelings. Movies like “As Good As It Gets” or “Dan In Real Life” exemplify how paralyzing fear can be and how fantastic and amazing it can be to overcome it. You are never alone. There is no “normal”. Every individual is different. Support groups exist for practically every phobia, but even just watching a motivational movie can perk you up.

1) Make a conscious effort. It seems too simple to be the number one way to battle your fear, but it works. Fear is often associated with the future. It is deeply rooted in the domino effect. We fear that something we do or did will cause a bad reaction creating more chaos and so on and so on. However, you can’t live the future, you can only live the present. Do not allow yourself to be devalued today so you can reap the benefits tomorrow. That kind of thinking will make your successes less sweet because you compromised yourself to get them. Making a conscious effort to live the here and now can present you with the joys of actually living life and not merely fretting about the future. The future is incapable of being enjoyed. So why are you so obsessed with it? Carpe diem! Seize today because today is the only time you really even can seize.

Now that you’re armed with a fear fighting arsenal, get out there and live! Don’t let anything hold you back. When you expect more of yourself and give yourself a chance to thrive, more often than not you’ll find yourself thriving in a reality where you are unafraid. That deep satisfaction with life isn’t as far off as you’d imagine. It’s as close as a smile, a run, a reminder, a million little things that set you in motion towards positive thinking. And you must remember never to give up. That’s the only instance in which fear actually wins. You know you’re better than that! Give up fear–not your happiness.