The Importance of ‘We’ Time

As marriages evolve, particularly with the introduction of children, it can be easy to forget the importance of “we time”. In this day and age, moms are always encouraged to carve out “me time” for themselves, but marriages and partnerships need extra nurturing and attention periodically too. It provides an opportunity to reconnect with the person you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with. At some points in your marriage, when you are more in tune to each other, this might not seem so hard. But it is natural for each partner in a marriage to develop in a different direction from time to time, which may make you less inclined to spend time together. Of course, that is when it is the most important to find ways to reconnect with one another, rather than waiting until you have become virtual strangers living under the same roof.

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and take frequent opportunities to acknowledge and celebrate the fact that we have a strong, happy marriage. In fact, it’s better than ever. But it didn’t get that way by chance. While we each have a healthy sense of ‘me’ within our marriage, pursuing our own interests, and spending time with our own friends, we  also have a strong sense of ‘we’ and we make sure the needs of ‘we’ are met as much as the needs of ‘me’. With two children in elementary school, sometimes carving out time for the two of us can be hard. But it would definitely never happen if we didn’t plan for it. The surprising thing is though, just because you plan time to spend together, doesn’t mean you have to go to great lengths to make the time you have together special.

We are not big gift givers, so we typically use our anniversary as an excuse to go out for a nice meal. While our big anniversary date night is yet to come (we are celebrating this weekend at a fine French restaurant nearby), I wanted the actual day to be celebratory as well, so I bought a bottle of sparkling wine and prepared a nice meal to be served after our kids were in bed. As we enjoyed our quiet, candle-lit dinner of braided salmon (recipe compliments of The Wicked Noodle), roasted garlic and baby potatoes, and broccoli rabe, followed by chocolate souffle, it dawned me how relatively easy it was to make an ordinary evening into something extra-ordinary.

I’m not saying you should prepare gourmet, candle-lit meals every night (though really, our anniversary meal wasn’t that hard). But even something as simple as picking one night a week to eat dinner together after the kids are in bed can give you a chance to take a deep breath and spend some quality time together. If you don’t like to cook or don’t have time, make it less stressful by serving up a prepared meal, or even fast food, but take the extra step of putting the meal on nice plates, put on a little music, and relish the moment of quiet the two of you have together.

If enjoying a nice meal together still seems like too much effort (which it would have to me when my kids were infants), sometimes just being close to one another, with light physical contact can keep those connections alive. Instead of turning on the TV and flipping through the channels, try curling up together under a blanket, and reading your favorite books. You many not be talking, but your bodies are communicating.

And of course, having a night on the town going to a favorite restaurant or listening to some live music is always a great way to enjoy each other’s company. I find that just having a date night to look forward to, regardless of what our plans are, creates a fun air of anticipation. We try and schedule a night out at least once a month, and make up for the time in between by catching up after the kids are in bed. I’m definitely looking forward to our fancy French dinner!

Will Oprah Find Love?

No, I’m not talking about Oprah’s relationship with Stedman, or Gayle King, or anyone else for that matter. I am talking about finding love for herself. In January, she came out once again to talk about her battle with her weight, asking herself “How did I let this happen again?” To be fair, she goes on to describe a series of medical problems that led to the eventual diagnosis of hypothyroidism (where your thryoid is underactive, thus slowing down your metabolism). But her diagnosis was only part of the explanation for her weight gain over the last couple of years. Stress and depression, partially brought on by her health problems led to poor eating habits as she searched for comfort in food.

Sound familiar? On the one hand, I think it can be somewhat of a relief to hear that even people like Oprah suffer from the same problems as the rest of us. On the other hand, it leads one to ask the question: “If she can’t conquer this thing, with all her money, power, personal trainers, personal chefs, a staff of contributing mental health professionals, etc., then how the heck are the rest of us supposed to do it?”

For years we have followed Oprah’s weight loss triumphs and failures. I remember years ago, Oprah stripping away a baggy dress to reveal her “new” body that for the first time in years fit into a pair of old jeans she had hung on to. As soon as the episode was over, I put in my Jane Fonda work out tape (yes, I am dating myself here) and worked out like crazy, inspired by the show. But how many ups and downs have their been since then — for her and me? Too many to count, and with each new battle of the bulge came a new low in self esteem. Of course, I have no way of knowing personally where Oprah’s self esteem actually lies. But given how much emphasis she still puts on her weight — even though she is considered one of the most influential, wealthiest, well-known women in the world — she still, in her own words has yet to “learn how to embrace this body and to be grateful every day for what it has given me.”

I am glad that she has realized that her problem is not a weight problem, it’s a love problem. She knows the importance of learning to love oneself, and is on the path, once again to try and find that love. And I am glad she is challenging her readers and viewers to do the same, since that’s what VenusVision is all about — loving ourselves.