What’s Your “Thing”?

Ever since leaving the breakfast event I attended yesterday featuring Glennon Doyle Melton of Momastery, I can’t stop thinking about one part of the discussion that centered around “finding your thing”. Throughout the Q&A session (which lasted about an hour longer than was allotted for!), many of the issues brought up came back to that one essential piece: finding your thing. One woman who was struggling with sobriety asked Glennon how she maintained her own sobriety amid the chaos of her life. Although Glennon cited several important factors for herself, a large component of her sobriety is her writing, or her “thing”. She emphasized the importance of having a “thing” to focus on when struggling with addiction.

When someone else asked her how we can inoculate our daughters from the forces of society that tell them they need to be thin and beautiful above all else, she again espoused the importance of encouraging them to find their thing — something outside of their physical appearance and something that gives them deeper value. Eventually, it seemed like the entire focus of the morning centered on finding a “thing” as it became apparent that more and more women in the group had trouble finding their own thing. I completely relate — it was only a year ago, at the age of 38, that I felt like I had really found my thing when I made the decision to go to graduate school for a degree in mental health counseling.

I wondered what makes it so hard for us to find our thing, and indeed, why is it we need to find our thing? Consider this: for most of humankind’s existence, our energy has been focused on three things — eating, sleeping, and making babies. The eating part took up the bulk of that energy since we had to grow and/or catch our own food which admittedly wasn’t an easy process. After that, we found the most reproductively sound mate that we were able to catch, and made as many babies as possible since many of them would not survive to adulthood. But with each baby, our energies were likely not diverted from our primary goals of survival. I’m not an anthropologist or historian, but I’m pretty sure throughout most of our existence, mothers didn’t stop working in the fields or doing whatever else was needed to aid in the survival of a family unit, in order to devote their lives to raising emotionally, intellectually and physically sound human beings. Now please understand, that is not a criticism of today’s moms — I’m one of them. I wouldn’t trade the last ten years of being home full time with my daughters — taking them to Little Gym and art classes and Tae Kwon Do and soccer practice, etc. etc. etc. — for anything. All I’m saying is that evolution hasn’t equipped our emotional brains with tasks that are less directly connected with our day to day survival and as a consequence we may be wondering what our purpose on this planet is. If we aren’t supposed to devote our lives to our basic survival, then what are we supposed to be doing? What is our thing? And how do we find it?

In many ways, Glennon was lucky — not only did she find her thing in writing, but she has been validated for it by her followers, by publishers, and even television producers. But she pointed out that none of that was important to her (yes, I know, easy to say now), because at the end of the day, what she loves about writing, what keeps her going for eight hours a day devoted to writing, is her love for the act of writing itself. She asserted that if tomorrow she woke up and everything else fell away — the book deal, the possibilities for a TV show, the notoriety, she would still have the thing she loves — her writing and the sense of accomplishment and satisfaction she has after finishing a good post. And I believe her. That’s not to say she doesn’t love the direction her life has taken, but she didn’t need those things to happen for her to know she had already found her thing.

But the audience wanted to know: how do we find our thing? Glennon had a few suggestions that I think were helpful, but I think it helps to start by defining what a thing is and is not for each person. Many assumed that a thing had to be something one was good at or that came easily. I would argue that not only do neither of things things have to be true, but that you don’t even necessarily have to want to be good at your thing. You simply have to derive intrinsic pleasure from it, whether you excel at it or not.

For example, I recently discovered Zumba (yes, I’m a late bloomer), and instantly fell in love. I look forward to going to my class every week, and stand in the front of the class shaking and spinning and gyrating to the music. Now let me be clear — I look like a total idiot. I am pretty sure I have the anti-Latina gene because I couldn’t look less rhythmic if I was a pocket-protector wearing nerd. But it doesn’t matter because it just feels so good! And if I someday discover an ounce of rhythm somewhere in my veins, great! But if not, who cares? I have a classmate who loves Zumba so much she decided to become an instructor — not because she is looking to make a career out of it (presumably, since she’s in a graduate program for counseling), but because it just gives her such great joy. My point is, don’t let skill be a hurdle to finding your thing.

Another thing that Glennon mentioned is to ask your friends what they think your thing is. Sometimes it’s easier for someone else to see it in you than for you to see it yourself. Do you go to your friends’ houses and start organizing their cupboards? Maybe your thing is a to be a professional organizer. Or maybe you can just enjoy helping out your friends (you can start with my house!). Do you constantly worry about children who don’t have enough to eat? Volunteer! I’d be happy to point you in a few directions! Do you love being outdoors and moving? Take up cycling. Walking. Gardening. Anything that reconnects you with nature and your roots. The possibilities are endless if we open ourselves up to the world, and as one person in the audience suggested, say yes more to new experiences. It also means letting go to predefined notions of what should bring us happiness and contentment in life. Notions about the roles we are supposed to fill, the things we are supposed to buy, the lives we are supposed to live, all in the pursuit of happiness.

As Glennon pointed out, so often we make assessments about our own life and its value based on the assumptions we make about others. Even with her telling the audience to avoid doing that, they were comparing their inability to find their thing to the massive success she has had as a writer and already giving up before they even try. Not everyone who “finds their thing” is going to be recognized by hundreds of thousands of people. In fact, most people may never have any kind of external validation for whatever their thing is. I recently met an eighty-year-old woman who described herself as a poet-aster. When I gave her a confused look, she said “I’m a poet disaster.” I doubt she was as terrible as she assumed she was, but what I or anyone else thinks doesn’t really matter to her. She’d been writing poetry since she was in the second grade, it gave her great intrinsic joy, and she didn’t care if she wasn’t going to be the next Maya Angelou.

If you haven’t found your thing open up your heart and ask yourself what gives you great joy? What do you spend your time thinking about and would it be worthwhile to devote more energy to it? Or less? Finding your thing is a journey and it can change over time, but accepting the idea that you don’t have to be good at it and that you don’t need others to validate it is the first step in finding something that makes you want to wake up in the morning and greet the day with new joy.

My Thing

It was a long journey for me before coming to the decision to pursue a path towards mental health counseling, and if the word “lost” seems cliche in describing how I felt before coming to that decision, then I stand accused. I wasn’t much of a student through most of my pre-college education, and at one point during adolescence felt pretty certain my future involved abandoned housing and a bunch of misfit, mohawk sporting, combat-boot wearing friends. Luckily I decided I wanted a little more out of life in time to pull my grades together and go to college, having decided I wanted to teach English after my senior English teacher ignited a spark for me. Still, all through college, much as I loved my English classes, I remained petrified at the thought of standing in front of a class teaching a bunch of kids who would rather be making out in the hallway or smoking a joint in the parking lot. I figured I would get over it, my love for the subject winning out, but it never felt like it was the right fit — never felt like it was “my thing”. By the time I graduated, I was completely sure teaching was not the right path for me, but had no idea what was, and subsequently ended up working at a boring desk job. Eventually after playing the grown up professional for a while, I came to the conclusion that the corporate world was not for me either, and that my real calling was to be a mother.

So imagine my surprise when I had this newborn baby to care for, and who wouldn’t stop crying no matter what I did, to discover that motherhood wasn’t the blissful baby-wearing, on demand breast-feeding, twenty-four/seven bonding experience I was certain Dr. Sears assured me it would be. Although I loved being a new mom, and loved my daughter dearly from the moment I laid eyes on her, I also quickly came to the realization that motherhood wasn’t exactly my “thing” either. I didn’t derive the deep and seemingly limitless satisfaction from the experience I was sure all of my other new mom peers were experiencing and wondered what I was doing wrong. Within months of having my first daughter, I began researching graduate programs, but quickly determined that was not a realistic route for me at that time.

Over the next ten years, I floundered from this to that, and took a step in the right direction when I founded VenusVision in 2008. I have always enjoyed writing, and I wanted to reach out to others, and VenusVision provided a platform for doing both. But I have to admit, I didn’t have the tenacity to keep up with it on a regular basis, and when I compared my success (or what I saw as a lack of it) to my blogging peers, I realized I would never reach the levels of readership they had. I began to lose interest, only posting occasionally which of course ended up in a self fulfilling prophecy since, with no new material, there would be no new readers.

I spent a couple of years trying my hand in the direct-selling business, and I while I had a fun time and met a lot of great people, I realized that wasn’t my thing either. (Again though, I spent a lot of time comparing myself to others in the business and felt depressed at not achieving their level of success.)

And then one day I was having a conversation with my step-mother, talking about what to try next in my life, and came back to a recurring theme that I’ve had in recent years of wanting to help women overcome body image and food relationship issues, and she said “I think you’d be great at that!” And the stars aligned. Though throughout much of my life, I’ve had friends tell me that I would make a great therapist/counselor, I never had the confidence to feel like I could help others with their problems. But after recognizing the value of overcoming my own issues, and my ongoing ability to face new issues with more confidence and clarity, I was able to muster up the courage to apply to graduate school for a degree in counseling, and for the first time in my adult life, I really feel like I have found my thing. However, that “thing” continues to evolve as I am exposed to new ideas and issues that lead me in new directions. Now, instead of thinking “I can’t”, I know “I can”.

A Morning With Glennon Doyle Melton of Momastery

This morning I sat in a room full of women, most of whom had come for the opportunity to see Glennon Doyle Melton, the blogger behind Momastery who recently skyrocketed into the blogging stratosphere when The Huffington Post picked up and ran her blog post Don’t Carpe Diem on January 14, 2012. Between that noteworthy day and now, she has gained tens of thousands of fans on Facebook and countless more have been reading her blog, devouring and sharing each new post with the zeal of a fanatic. She had publishing companies battling for the rights to publish a book of her work and life story — which is due out next April, and is even in talks about turning her blog into a TV show. I think most of us in the room felt pretty lucky for having the opportunity to share a space with Glennon knowing full well that a year from now she’ll be able to fill a colloseum with thousands of women looking to connect with someone who deals in such raw honesty, revealing all sides of her authentic self and making us feel one step to being more comfortable doing the same.

After being introduced, along with her sister Amanda who can easily be called her life-line, Glennon, by virtue of being Glennon, began by confessing her nervousness about her new role as “public speaker” which was being put to the test for the first time on this occasion. But even when admitting her nervousness, and professing her preference for one-on-one chats over coffee (though she only drinks tea), her presence was very natural and relaxed as she sat, dressed in a cute top and jeans, cross-legged in her chair at the front of the room, holding a microphone and speaking casually about her outer self, her Facebook self, the self everyone sees on the outside, and her inner self — the side that makes her who she is and the person we read about and love precisely because it is so incredibly flawed.

Glennon talked about the outer self that some people know and choose to only see — the outer self that is a cute petite brunette who appears to have it all: a gorgeous husband (and if you don’t believe me, check out Momastery and see for yourself!), a beautiful family, a loving sister and parents, and the quintessential suburban life. I met one woman who is good friends with Glennon and admitted that when she first met her, she instantly hated her precisely because of what I just described. After all, how could someone who has it all (and was so thin!) possibly be nice? Well, there are two myths embedded in that belief, and yet so many of us would have jumped to the same conclusion. The first myth, of course, is that someone who has it all — ok, let’s be more specific, a woman who has it all, especially the looks, must be a bitch. Perhaps we like to think that because it makes us feel better about not being them. But of course, the second myth is that she didn’t — doesn’t have it all, and in fact, nobody does.

And then Glennon went on to break down that myth at least as it relates to herself by talking about her inner self. This included details about developing an eating disorder at the age of eight and spending the next couple of decades throwing up ten or more times daily. It included her foray into substance abuse which walked hand in hand with her eating disorder. She talked about blacking out through much of her college experience, and spoke with almost disbelief that she was actually able to graduate. She described her marriage to her husband and how they barely knew each other before she accidentally got pregnant, and walked down the aisle crossing their fingers, hoping for the best. She admitted honestly that while there are many good times, the bad times are there too and was not afraid to talk about being in counseling with her husband to get through the turbulent (though wonderful) events that have recently been thrust upon their entire family. She talked about her wonderful children and how she didn’t always love being around her wonderful children. She talked about her Lyme disease and the toll that takes, not just on her body but on her family and how they function as a result of her decreased energy levels.

And when she was done revealing her inner self, she opened up that inner self for questioning and with each answer she provided, the honesty and courage to say what she knows and, more importantly, what she doesn’t know came through over and over again. Being in the room and seeing how she interacted so lovingly (Love Always Wins!) to each person, taking the time to respond thoughtfully to each question and afterwards take pictures and hug everyone who wanted a little piece of Glennon to take with them, was a little like watching Momastery come to life.

What struck me as much as the power of Glennon to connect with the women in the room was the need of each of those women to find that connection, and I started contemplating what it was that made Glennon’s writings resonate with so many women. Of course, she’s a talented writer, able to combine the reality of the world, all that is brutifal as she likes to say, with a dose of humor that makes it easier to swallow.

But it goes much deeper than that, deeper than just connecting and relating to the things Glennon writes about — things people don’t often talk about but want to. And as I looked around this room, hearing one woman openly talk about her own ongoing struggle with sobriety and looking to Glennon for the answers, another woman worrying that as a middle aged 35-year-old woman (her summation, not mine!), she hadn’t found her “thing” as Glennon calls it, and what could she do to find her thing, I sensed this emptiness around me. An emptiness that’s calling for something to fill it and hoping that Glennon would be that something, or at least guide them to it. Of course, to a certain extent, Glennon does fill a void — a void that comes from the silence we live in when a person asks us “How are you doing?” and we respond “fine” when what we really want to do is scream at the top of our lungs about how frickin’ hard life is. But that “thing” Glennon referred to so frequently today is about that something that gets you out of bed each day, the something that keeps us excited about life, the something that we feel good about at the end of each day. And that “thing” is not to be filled by another person but by something from within. For Glennon, of course, that something is writing, and Momastery and all that it has become. Judging by the whispers around the room as Glennon talked about each person finding her thing, it seemed that perhaps Glennon is in the minority in having found hers.

So where does this emptiness come from? Well, that’s a big question and if one asked Glennon, I’m sure she would quickly admit to not having an answer. But if we are going to fill it, we need to understand it. My husband and I frequently talk about happiness and contentment and how it seems to be so far beyond the reach of most despite every attempt at achieving it by buying the next car or the next house, redoing the kitchen, getting the next promotion, losing those last 10 pounds, or twenty or fifty or one hundred, because, as Glennon pointed out today, we are always looking to the next thing to make us happy, sure that what we already have isn’t enough. She described a school assignment her 8 year old son had brought home in which he had to describe the moral of the story he had read in school. It was something along the lines of “life isn’t going to get any better so you might as well be happy with the way it is now.” Ah, from the mouths of babes. While one perspective on that statement might be a pessimistic one, another way of looking at it is that happiness, or more importantly, contentment, is always there for the taking. Happiness is a feeling and we can choose how we feel about things. And if we feel that it is the next thing that will make us happy, we can be assured that the happiness will be fleeting until our sights are set on something else.

I don’t have the answers, any more than Glennon does, but I think her rise to notoriety indicates a willingness — no a longing — to start dismantling the myths about what makes us happy while figuring out what our “thing” is if all that we thought it was turned out to be a farce, and search for deeper meaning and connection in life. After all, as Glennon quoted from Mother Theresa, “If we have no peace it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.” So as you carry on in your day, remember that we are all connected and that life is brutiful.

The Perfectly Imperfect Life of a Mother

As many of you may already know, I am in a graduate program for mental health counseling. In one of my recent classes, we were given the assignment to discuss a time when we learned a new skill, the journey we went through, and how we felt about the journey. Immediately, I thought of motherhood.

Before becoming a mother, I was filled with ideas and ideals of how to be a good mother. While rationally, I might have accepted the idea that there is no such thing as the perfect mother, I never really internalized that idea. Which, when I think about it is kind of ironic, since the last thing I would ever call myself in regards to anything is a perfectionist. In fact, if Type A= Perfectionist, surely I must be a Type Z. Nevertheless, filled with knowledge, I went into this new adventure with the belief that I could provide an ideal environment for my children that fostered all of the best qualities I wished to instill in them.

Well, that all pretty much went out the window from the time my labor started and our sacred birth plan was quickly abandoned due to a series of complications — a phrase that could perhaps describe not just the birth of my children, but really motherhood in general. One by one (or sometimes in droves), every ideal I had in regards to parenting and motherhood was quickly refactored into something that made my new experience little more than survivable.

Each time I compromised on my ideals, I felt a little pang, and wondered how another step down in my near-perfect standards would impact my children. I was convinced I was ruining them every time I put on the TV, fed them McDonald’s, lost my patience and screamed at them, left them crying in their room, or chatted with another mom at the playground instead of intently watching every move my child made, lest she injure herself, because, after all, an injury can happen in the blink of an eye (Thank You National SAFE KIDS Campaign for instilling a sense of uberparanoia in me).

And then, one day, a few years ago, I looked at my kids — I mean, really looked at them, reflected on them, observed them. And I realized, actually, they’re pretty terrific kids. They’re smart. They’re kind. They’re creative. They’re well mannered and well behaved (for the most part!). They’re curious, they’re fun, they’re affectionate. They, in short, are all the things I wanted them to be and thought I had to be the perfect mom in order to achieve. But somehow they turned out that way in spite of my less than perfect parenting. And it started to sink in — I AM a good mom, there really is no such thing as ‘perfect’, and that’s a good thing. Because perfect is boring.  My kids, my life, is anything but. And I wouldn’t have it any other way because my life is perfectly imperfect.

Confessions of a Failed Anorexic Has Arrived!

After nearly three years of work, my novel, Confessions of a Failed Anorexic is finally available! Here is the description as it reads on Amazon:

Sarah Thompson went on her first diet when she was seven years old, and has been on a dieting roller coaster ever since. Longing for what she doesn’t have, the unfulfilled stay-at-home mom goes on a journey of self discovery tainted by the pursuit of a perfect body. An unlikely friendship with fun-loving and thin-obsessed Stacy Vargus leads Sarah down a path she believes will bring her closer to a world she has spent a lifetime chasing, only to realize it doesn’t exist. An unexpected reunion with an old friend unleashes a passion for life Sarah had long forgotten, giving her a new lens through which to view her world.

This debut novel by Michelle Cantrell offers an entertaining twist on keeping up with the Joneses while revealing the dangers of losing oneself to the superficial status symbols of suburban life.

Sharing this with the VenusVision community, I am aware that some readers may be fighting an eating disorder. For that reason, I would like to share what I wrote about the title in my novel.

Being involved in the Eating Disorder Community, I’m sensitive to the emotions Confessions of a Failed Anorexic might elicit in some. The reason I chose the title is that for much of my life, that’s how I felt. Years of disordered eating skewed my thinking to the point that I believed an eating disorder would bring me happiness in the form of a thin body. I was naive in thinking that if I could somehow become anorexic, I could control the eating disorder. Though I never did become anorexic, I periodically practiced starvation and purging, and was eventually diagnosed with an Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS). I finally sought help when thoughts of food and hatred towards my body, combined with destructive behaviors dominated every moment of my life.

Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes and as many as 10 million females in the United States suffer from an eating disorder. Despite the fact that eating disorders have the highest mortality of any mental disorder, the majority of people with severe eating disorders do not receive adequate care. (National Eating Disorders Association, 2008)

It is my hope that this novel will demonstrate how the destructive nature of disordered eating can easily cross over into an eating disorder, and bring life and death complications with it. After recovering from my own eating disorder, I began discovering all life has to offer when one isn’t entirely devoted to achieving an arbitrary ideal of beauty and thinness. I hope that others can find the same hope and begin to aim for more in life than a number on the scale.

At this time, the novel is only available on the Kindle. If you don’t have a Kindle, there are still many devices for which a free Kindle reader application is available, such as PCs, Macs, iPads, iPhones, Droids and Blackberrys. To download a free app, go to Amazon.

I am hoping in the future there will be a print edition. Until then, I hope you will share my novel with anyone who has ever struggled with body image and their relationship with food.

Note: This book contains content that may be triggering for some who are suffering from or in recovery from an eating disorder.

Confessions of a Failed Anorexic

What Do Your Kids Bring Out in You?

I love my kids dearly, but they have the unique ability to occasionally bring out the worst in me. When this happens, I feel like the worst parent and lowest person on the face of the earth. I know it’s not the end of the world to scream at your kids from time to time, but that doesn’t make me feel any better after I have done it, particularly if they just caught me at a bad time. I used to dwell on these moments, using them to define my abilities as a parent, leaving me feeling inadequate to say the least.

Now, for the most part I have learned to view myself as a pretty good parent through the simple observation of the fact that my kids are actually really great people who are kind, caring, creative, smart, respectful and in general, a joy to be around. And they didn’t get this way through a sheer force of nature. Sure, some of their traits may be genetically predisposed, but I like to think that I bring out those traits.

In that vein, my friend Erin suggested I write an article about how our kids foster the best in us. It’s funny — though I have stopped most of the negative self talk when it comes to my own parenting, it shocked me when I first heard her suggestion because I never considered this possibility. And then she went on to clarify: “Our children inspire us to be our best selves, rising above our own insecurities so that we do not pass them on to our children. If we’re shy, we make ourselves be social in moms groups and play dates so our kids will have the social life we never had. If we’re naturally lazy, we invoke our inner athlete to model healthier behavior for them. If we are TV-addicts, we vow to read a new book a month. If we obsess about food and weight, we model healthy eating and food choices for our kids, etc. In so doing, we actually become the people we wish we had been all along and the parents we always wanted to be.” I couldn’t have said it better myself. (Which is why I didn’t try!)

So I reflected on the particular ways in which my kids do make me be my best. Not surprisingly, my friend’s particular examples resonated with me. As a young child, I was left to my own devices when it came to making friends. Of course, things were a lot different back then, when there weren’t waiting lists for play groups, but I led a pretty solitary childhood. When I had my own children, I was naturally inclined to enjoy the company of other mom’s anyway, but even now that my kids are older and play dates don’t include other moms, I am eager for my kids to socialize with other children and look for opportunities for them to do so outside of school.

I was also pretty lazy as a kid, preferring to spend most of my time in front of the TV, pigging out on bowls of cereal or ice cream. I didn’t play any sports or participate in any group activities. My kids on the other hand enjoy soccer, gymnastics, ice skating, swimming, riding bikes, going for long walks in the woods or just running around with no particular purpose.  And while they would gladly plop down in front the TV, they would take any of those activities over their favorite TV show any time. My children also see the commitment I have to my own physical fitness through running, swimming, biking and going to they gym. Sure, there are times that I don’t feel like doing anything myself, but for the sake of getting them moving, we just do it.

I also was not a big reader as a kid. (See above reference to TV.) Although I’m sure my parents read to me from time to time, a love of books was never fostered. But from the time my kids were infants, I read to them virtually every night at bed time, as well as other times too. Now that my older daughter is 7, she is a voracious reader that completely lives up to the title of “book worm”. My younger daughter isn’t reading on her own yet but will happily sit down to have a book read to her or even look at a book on her own.

It goes without saying that throughout my life I have obsessed with food and weight issues. Having two daughters, I am particularly conscious about what messages I send to them in regards to their own appearance and the food choices that they make. I NEVER make comments about my own body (or anyone else’s including theirs) in front of them, and in fact have worked hard to come to terms with and love my body unconditionally in an effort to lead by example. I offer my kids a healthy diet and am proud that while they enjoy their share of junk food, they also gladly eat up things like spinach, asparagus, broccoli, artichokes, and even ask for a salad from time to time. We talk about the value of foods and the concept of moderation, and encourage them to listen to their own bodies. It’s a miracle to me at times to watch them dig into a piece of cake at a birthday party, only to take a few bites and realize that they are full, and don’t want any more.

I suppose it’s natural for us to identify what it was about our own upbringing that we didn’t like and swing the pendulum in the opposite direction, but whatever the underlying motivation, my friend has pointed out to me that, while my kids do from time to time bring out the worst in me, I am a better person for having them in my life, and will always strive to be the best I can be for them and for myself.

Pigtail Pals Is Redefining ‘Girly’

Girls can’t be scientists. Girls are bad at math. Race car driving is for boys.

Of course you know that none of these statements are true. But do you make an active effort in teaching the young girls in your life — daughters, sisters, nieces, students — that they can break through stereotypes and be anything they want to be? Melissa Wardy, Owner of PigtailPals did just that.

Tired of the role models girls are exposed to these days, Melissa had the idea of combining positive messages for girls with fun fashion, and Pigtail Pals was born. Playing on “girly” stereotypes, Melissa aims to redefine what ‘girly’ means by creating whimsical drawings that challenge traditional male/female roles. In her own words, “A Pigtail Pal doesn’t wish upon a star and wait for her prince to show up. A Pigtail Pal gets in her rocket ship and finds that star all on her own.”

When I asked Melissa to expand on how she came up with the idea for Pigtail Pals, she told me this:

“When I conceived the idea for this company, my daughter was a baby and I had control over everything she was exposed to. At the time, I had a desire to provide clothes that had more action and adventure for girls. Now she is in preschool, and I feel as though this hyper-sexualized world of clothes, toys and media are spiraling towards us. And she’s paying attention. That desire has now turned into a firery passion to return childhood to our girls. The concept of “7 going on 16″ is not okay with me. Most of what is on the market today is sexual, inappropriate, and harmful. We are undermining the potential of our girls by giving them toys that have overt messages of sexuality, pleasing men, and worth based on appearance. Pigtail Pals aims to do better.”

In addition to redefining ‘girly’, PigtailPals operates in a socially responsible manner, using tees that are made sweatshop, child-labor free. Pigtail Pals also chooses one charity each month to receive a portion of the profits from sales.

So help Melissa redefine what it means to be girly, and check out all of her designs at Pigtail Pals.

Who Is Supermom?

She’s always just lurking around the corner. We hear of her, and sometimes we even think we have caught a glimpse of her, but she is elusive, always careful to maintain her secret identity.

Well, VenusVision was able to pull some strings, and believe it or not, we were able to catch up with her long enough to find out more about her. This is what we learned.

She is a gourmet chef who only uses the most nutritious, wholesome foods, serving up three balanced meals each day, plus two healthy snacks. Not only does she prepare plenty of green vegetables and colorful fruits, but she actually gets her kids to eat them, enjoy them even! McDonald’s? Chick-fil-A? Burger King? Never! No fast food for her children because she ALWAYS plans ahead. Even when others offer her kids fast food on play dates, they decline. They just don’t like it.

She is a homemaker who performs her duties with the relish of June Cleaver and the style of Martha Stewart. Floors shine, bathrooms sparkle, countertops glisten.  Laundry is always neatly folded (ironing only when necessary, let’s get real here), and put away. Never will you find a laundry basket lying around, full of clean clothes becoming more wrinkled by the minute. Toys scattered about in every room? Of course not, because she has passed her good habits on to her children, and each day they spend the pre-dinner hour happily cleaning up while singing “The Clean Up Song.” Her inspiration for decor? Pottery Barn meets Ikea with a traditional-modern fusion of furniture and decor.

She is a cruise activities director who provides enriching and/or phsycially stimulating activities for her children at all times. (This job doubles as chauffer.) Each activity must enhance intellectual and physical growth. Arts and crafts projects are a daily activity, and imaginary play is encouraged with the help of Supermom’s participation. TV is permitted for the viewing of exactly 30 minutes of educational, public television programming every Saturday morning.

She is a teacher (works hand in hand with cruise activities director). Each child learns their ABCs and how to count to 10 by the age of 1, and of course speak in complete sentences using sign language (American, not Baby Sign Language). She also locates the best schools, starting with preschool and waits in line, sometimes overnight to secure a place in said schools. She oversees homework time each day and “helps” her 6 year-old kindergardener  construct a model of the Greek Parthenon using toilet paper and paper towel tubes.

She is, of course, a bombshell who enjoys frequent mind-blowing sex with her husband. To maintain bombshell status, she regularly attends spinning, pilates, yoga, step, and strength training classes. She dresses like a millionaire but shops like Frugal Fannie, turning the heads of men and women alike everywhere she goes. As she dashes to the store, or drops the children off at pre-school, she always looks put-together, even on her way to the gym.

She volunteers for the PTA, baking cookies and organizing teacher appreciation gifts, and goes door-to-door with her children selling Girl Scout Cookies/Boy Scout Popcorn Tins/School Gift Wrap/Basketball Fundraising Discount Cards.

She provides equal attention and constantly expresses equal love and affection to each member of the family, including Jake the dog, whom she has dutifully trained, resulting in the best behaved, well mannered dog in all her suburban neighborhood.

While showering her children with love and attention she has also ensured they don’t get the idea that they are the center of the universe and become spoiled brats whom no one will invite to their kids’ birthday parties. Instead each child is worthy of praise from Miss Manners herself, peppering their vocabulary with the constant use of “please”, “thank you”, “excuse me” and “May I …?”

She is also able to maintain a social network of friends, providing support to less fortunate friends who suffer from the normal woes of motherhood. She has always read the latest New York Times Bestsellers AND Oprah’s Book Club books, meeting with two different book clubs twice a month. (She also does the New York Times crossword puzzle after reading her newspaper over morning coffee.)

She makes every effort to reduce her carbon footprint by recycling virtually every item in her home, or finding a needy recipient for unwanted goods. She buys local organic food at the Farmers Market every Saturday morning, and she drives a Prius.

Finally, Supermom is actually happy and fulfilled doing all of the above things. And why wouldn’t she be? She has an ideal life in every way possible. So by now you’re probably dying to know who Supermom really is! Ok, you caught me. She’s not real. But this is who she is in my mind. And this to whom I compared myself constantly, lamenting that I would never actually be her. For 6 or so of the 7 years I have been a mother, Supermom was my role model, my idol, my tormenter as I was always falling short of becoming her. And then, one day, I took a good look at my kids. They are bright, compassionate, curious, respectful, wonderful human beings. And I think I had something to do with that. Ok, I think I had A LOT to do with that. Maybe I didn’t do all the things I thought I should have done. But instead, I was a wonderful mother in other ways. And I am a wonderful wife. And I am a wonderful friend. (I’m even a pretty good dog owner.)

I do the best I can at the things that are important to me, and do what I can for the rest. In ending my quest for Supermom, I found a pretty super mom in myself. Up Up and away!

Turning Hidden Talents Into a Business

Let’s face it: making a go at “it” on your own is scary. Whether it’s consulting work for an area with which you are already familiar, or a hobby you want to turn into a business, there’s no easy way to get a business going. Or is there?

Jacki Rigoni, owner and creator of jacki paper greeting cards is an example of a woman — a stay-at-home mother of three — who jumped in with both feet and came out, not just with her head above water, but floating along comfortably on the proverbial “lazy river”.

VenusVision wanted to know what some of her secrets were and how she managed to go from sending a few cute home-made cards to friends and family to having a name among local greeting card stores, heading towards national brand recognition. Whether you need a spark to light your own flame, or you just want to learn about an awesome woman, this interview is worth reading.

VV: When did you start making your own cards?

JP: I was on maternity leave with my first daughter, Stella. I had always been into my career as an advertising copywriter. But as soon as she came into the picture, I knew I wanted to find something that would allow me to make money without spending the whole day away from her. I think this is the quintessential mom dilemma.

I’ve always made my own greeting cards to send to family and friends. I certainly never considered that it could be a business—until I started thinking about what I was good at and, more importantly, what I liked doing. The question I asked myself, and what I tell other people to ask themselves is: What do I love doing in my spare time? That should give you a pretty good idea of where to look for business ideas. I mean, you’re going to put your whole heart and energy into it, so it better be something you love. And that usually means that it’s also something you’re good at.

VV: When did you realize you could turn your hobby into a business?

JP: There were two inspired moments for me.

The first was when I was meeting with two other moms for a playdate. Both had had successful careers before kids and both were transitioning to small business ventures as stay-at-home moms. They started talking about a guy who had been an advertising copywriter who became successful as an irreverent greeting card maker. I knew the card brand and liked it a lot, so it really hit home when I heard he was a former writer. It got me thinking.

The second moment was when I was telling a friend about my idea and her response was, “Jacki, of all the people I know, if anyone can do it, you can.” That was huge for me, because I knew she was right.

VV: What kind of initial investment did you make? Were you nervous about the investment?

JP: I initially had a run of my first designs printed for about $5k all told. It was a lot of money for me at the time, but not so much that I’d be on skid row if it totally flopped. I just wanted to do enough cards to get them out in the world and see if anybody liked them. I had no business plan. And really no idea what I was doing. I just went for it and figured I’d learn what I needed to along the way if I got a positive response.

I wasn’t nervous about the investment. What made me nervous was putting myself out there for the world to see. I was really nervous to show friends and stores my cards because they might think they were lame.

So the harder investment for me was my ego.

VV: What have you done to expand your business?

JP: I started by going store to store and quickly realized two things. One, I don’t like sales. Two, I’d never be able to spend the time needed to get my cards all around the country.

So I had to find sales reps, which I did a bit on my own. But recently I just hired my first part-time employee—another mom—to help me build my rep base and expand sales. That was a huge step for me—deciding that it was time to invest in someone to help me out. But one important thing I’ve learned, among the gajillion important things I’ve learned, is to focus on what I do best and outsource the rest.

VV: Where do you hope your card business will be in 5 years?

JP: I’ve kind of done things by jumping in the moving jump rope without a plan. Now that I see I have a viable idea for a brand, I’m working on actually having a 5-year plan and beyond. It’s always been in my head, but it’s time to put it down in writing and work toward it systematically. So that’s part of my growth and maturation as a businessperson.

In my head, I have greeting cards in 1000 boutique stores across the country and Canada, as well as a thriving online store. I also plan to expand to other products like t-shirts, but am working on developing other fun products, too. No mugs and magnets. And I want everything I do to support the brand concept of jacki paper and make it into a company people love and admire. So I want to make sure my growth actually grows the brand, not just the sales.

VV: How do you balance your work life with a family?JP: I want to meet the woman who can.

I often work until one or two a.m. But that’s because I have the flexibility to go with my kids to a mommy and me class or the park during the day. I try to fit that in first and make the work fall in around my kids. Which often means working when they’re in bed at night. I work a lot, but I guess that goes without saying for anyone who has her own business.

I do have a Blackberry, so I can work even when I’m at the park, just in case I do need to send an emergency email. But I try not to answer the phone. When I’m with my kids, I really want to be with them.

I also have an amazing mother-in-law who takes care of the kids during the day and a husband who takes them in the afternoon after work. So a supportive family system is key.

And an office with a door. That I can close if I have to get an order out. Or open if I need to kiss a skinned knee.
In jacki paper terms, it’s doing the hokey pokey and never forgetting what it’s all about.

VV: What has been the greatest motivating factor for growing your business?

Two things, really. First, I don’t want to let anyone down. All the people around me believe in me, and I want to prove them right.

Second, I want to be an example to my kids for how to have a family and do something that you create on your own, on your own terms, without having to answer to anyone else.

Oh, and to make a living. I guess that’s three.

VV: What advice would you give to other women who want to turn their passion into a business?

JP: Go outside and play. Surround yourself with people who believe in you and who are also doing their own thing. Seek out those people and get together with them. Go on play dates with them and bring your kids. It’s surprising how many moms are doing amazing things. It’s totally inspiring and motivating. It makes you realize you can do it yourself.

Put your whole self in. Try things, change if they don’t work, and do whatever you need to do to make it work. Know you won’t get it right the first time. Get feedback, constantly, change, and adapt. My first cards were small and horizontal, because I thought they were sweeter and it made sense that they should be the right way when you pull them out of the envelope. What I found out was that stores were putting them sideways on the shelf to save space. So you couldn’t read them as you stood in the store. I started making the cards bigger, vertical, with most of the design at the top third of the card so that you can see it when it’s peeking out on the shelf. But I only found that out after a year from a sales rep I was asking feedback from. I had to drag it out of him. And I had to be willing to change my design to make the cards pop off the shelf.

Also, create a brand, not just a name, service or a product. People want to buy an idea to believe in, not just a product. Try to create a whole brand identity for yourself. If you don’t know how to do that, pay someone who can. That’s the advertising writer in me still talking.

You can be anything you want to be when you grow up, so don’t dawdle. I find the biggest barrier for most people is just taking the leap of faith to go for it. So my best advice is: Wing it.

I did my research and set a short-term, audacious but attainable goal—having a booth at the National Stationery Show with 20 new cards. And I just went for it, even though I could have been way more prepared. I went to this huge convention, sight unseen, and pretended like I knew what I was doing. I then came home with a sales rep and a bunch of orders. I had to really scramble to get a fax machine and shipping boxes and so many other things I knew nothing about. But it was the kick in the pants I needed to get going.

So stop dilly-dallying and make it happen.

And finally, wear your nice underwear in case you get hit by a bus.

Additional comment to moms:

Before I had kids, I thought I’d never be able to do anything once I did have them. I’ve found the complete opposite to be true.

I have 3 kids—Stella, almost 5, Giovanni, almost 3, and Celeste, 1. And they’ve only been an inspiration to get my act together and live my life on my terms. Having Stella really made me focus on what I wanted out of my life and my family. In fact, you can look at my cards (My mother told me to pick the very best one and you are it.) and see how my kids and my own childhood inspire what I do.

So even though the kids make things technically more difficult—I’m juggling way more now and wonder what I did in my spare time as a single person—I’m much more organized, focused, and motivated.

And way more tired.

But then again, happier and more energized than I’ve ever been in my life.

About jacki paper:

It was a time when station wagons were paneled and jello was serious. In the Midwest suburbs, Jacki and her sisters were drinking from the garden hose and playing kick-the-can past dark. Little did she know how useful those experiences would some day become. As a grown-up, Jacki turned them into words letterpressed on paper like skates clamped on gym shoes.

jacki paper is Jacki Rigoni. She freelances as an advertising copywriter until this adventure lets her out for recess. She built a fort in Belmont, California, with her husband, Mauricio, and their young kids, Stella, Giovanni, and Celeste. She hopes to give their little ones a childhood as idyllic as her own.

Except, without wiping dirt off their faces using her own saliva.

Or ever, ever giving them a perm.

5 Things I Learned In My 30s

Getting older occasionally has its advantages. One thing we hope for is a little bit of wisdom here and there. I would never claim to be wise — I’ll leave that to the old bearded man sitting on top of the mountain — but I do think I’ve learned a few things in my 30s. Each piece of wisdom I have gained was there for the taking earlier in life, but perhaps because of the phase of life I was in, I was unable to see it. As my wise father always says, “It’s developmental.” But maybe if I shed a little light on a few of my own secrets, I can help a few others see things in a new light themselves.

I learned:

1. ) How to love my body, at any size.

When I was 9 months pregnant pushing 200 pounds (having gained 50 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight), my husband still couldn’t keep his hands off me. He has always found my body beautiful at my lowest weight and at my highest. So why shouldn’t I? Of course I realize it’s not as easy as saying “Oh, well he/she/they think I’m beautiful, so I must be.” Our confidence in our body must come from within and not depend on the opinions of others. And it has taken me 30-something years, and the birth of two children for me to learn what an amazing thing my body is. I respect its accomplishments both big and small, and as I grow older I want to treat my body right so that it can carry me through the future.

2.) That I love being active.
I love to run, but anything beyond that, I never had the ambition or confidence to try a sport. As a kid I always wanted to play soccer, but I did not share my wishes with my parents and so I just ignored my desires to be active, instead opting for hours of TV time. In high school, I tried out for the track team, but found it too rigorous for me at the time and consequently gave up on being active all together. After that, here and there I would try to get fit, but more out of an attempt to change my body and lose weight than for the joy of being active.

But after the birth of my first daughter, I was fortunate enough to have some time to try and figure out exactly what it was that I enjoy. I took up running again, and this time stuck with it, eventually running three half marathons to date. (A full marathon is yet to come!) I spent two years taking Karate, nine months of which were during my second pregnancy. I continued right up until a week before my second daughter was born, and even with a c-section, I was back after only 3 weeks. Karate really kept me in shape during my pregnancy and I fully believe helped to speed my recovery. Eventually I received the lowest level of black belt before I moved on to other activities.

Later, I discovered a love for biking and swimming, and eventually combined that love with my passion for running and participated in my first triathlon. I was hooked and can’t wait to do more!

The difference between my half-hearted attempts to get fit in the past, and my unfailing commitment to fitness these days is that I don’t focus on the number of calories I am burning. Instead, I am conscious of the feeling it gives me, not just in the moment (or when I am finished) but overall. I feel strong, powerful and healthy. And, if I don’t make it to the gym for a week or two because life has thrown a curve ball, I don’t have to berate myself since I am not going just for the sake of looking better.

3.) That I am not a super mom, that being a stay at home mom is not the answer to my personal fulfillment. And that’s ok.

Before I had my first daughter, I worked for a large internet company. While it was definitely fun to work there during the the hey-day of dot.com boom (no, I wasn’t one of the dot.com millionaires) I quickly realized working in the corporate environment was not my thing. I had no desire to move up in the company, and was pretty much biding my time until I had kids, at which point I knew I wanted to stay home.

But when I actually came home with my first daughter, I discovered that I wasn’t a natural after all. Between the crazy post partem hormones, sleepless nights, round-the-clock nursing and colic, I quickly felt like I was losing my mind and questioned my ability to be a full time mom. I know a lot of those feelings are normal in the beginning, but there has always been a part of me that wondered if my children would be better off in someone else’s full time care, while I went back to work. The trouble was there wasn’t any work I could think of that I’d rather be doing than taking care of my children. A conundrum indeed! So I continued to stay at home, feeling incompetent and trying to keep up with my friends and all they were doing with their own kids the same age. But as my kids have gotten older, I have begun to realize something. They’re pretty great kids. They’re polite and well mannered. They are compassionate towards others. They’re loving. They’re smart and creative. They’re all around fabulous human beings. So I’ve concluded that I must being doing something right! I may not be the mom that sits down on the floor all day and plays with my kids. But I enjoy being with them, and we find other ways to enjoy each other’s company. I may not take them to art museums, plays, and concerts. But they love music, science and drama. I still lose my patience with them. I still sometimes say ‘no’ more times than I like, but I finally realized that my strengths as a parent are not lost on them.

4.) How to dress for my body.

Once I hit puberty, I had a peripheral interest in fashion, but without some lessons on what looks good on ME, I generally failed to pull together flattering, stylish outfits. Looking back at pictures of me in late teens and early 20s, I sometimes wonder, “What was I thinking?” when I put that on. But then came Stacy & Clinton from “What Not to Wear”, a popular show on The Learning Channel. Although I had started to come into my own sense of style before then, I learned some important lessons about what kind of clothes would flatter my pear shaped figure. I learned to be more objective about clothing, and pay less attention to the size on the label than how it fit my shape.

I don’t encourage women to obsess over their appearance, or constantly worry about how they are being judged on their appearance by others. But there is something empowering about feeling good in the clothes on your body. It gives a feeling of self confidence and lifts your spirit. Have you ever tried putting on a favorite outfit that you always feel good in when you are feeling down? Just like putting on a false smile causes a chemical reaction in your body that releases good feeling hormones, looking good on the outside can seep into your inner spirit and make you feel good on the inside.

5.) If someone stops petting you, move on.
I read this one in a book, and have made it a personal philosophy. One advantage to getting older is that a lot of things you worried about when you were younger are no longer a source of stress. In our teens and 20s, we usually spend a lot of time worrying about what others think of us, and consequently trying to please them. When a fair weather friend would stop returning my calls, I would fret over what I had done. Did I say something offensive without realizing it? Did I commit some major social faux paus? Or worse, was I just not cool enough/interesting enough/smart enough/attractive enough? And then I realized, none of that mattered. If my friendship is not worth the effort to others to maintain, then THEY are not worthy of my friendship and I move on. If I offend a friend, I expect them to tell me and clear the air. If they simply hold a grudge, or I worry over what I might have done, then both parties are only bathing themselves in self defeating negative energy.

So, what have you learned as you grow older?

Not Appropriate, Not Acceptable: Do These Words Really Work?

by Sharon Silver

A 3 yr old hits a friend and mom says, “that’s not appropriate, it’s unacceptable to hit a friend, go say sorry.” Everyone says it—but are those the best words to use when a child is emotional? Does it teach a child how to resolve the situation next time? It does tell him that mom and dad are upset, but so does your tone of voice and the look on your face. I think parents want more from corrections. I think parents want the words they use words to stop behavior and tell a child what they should do instead.

Why isn’t saying, “that’s not appropriate or not acceptable” enough to stop behavior? When a child is emotional or being corrected for misbehavior those words are over their heads.

I did an experiment a while ago with 20 kids ages 2-6. I asked them “what does ‘not appropriate’ mean?” All but one of them said, “I don’t know.” One child said, “Oh, that’s what mom says when she gets mad.”

Would you ever say, “that’s not fitting for this particular purpose” or “that’s not adequate to satisfy a need, a requirement or a standard in this situation” to a young child? Of course not; it’s way over their heads. Well, that’s the definition of appropriate and acceptable.

Toddlers and preschoolers are having first time experiences and require repetition and teaching to learn. Young children are experiencing situations for the first, second or third time—ever. They need to be told about their behavior repeatedly without anger; they need to be taught. A common problem arises when parents assume that since their young child is walking, talking and possibly potty trained, they have full understanding of how life works and full comprehension of the English language. They don’t. They need calm parents to show them what to do instead of what they did.

So how do you teach a child how to “stop it” without using those words? Parents need to send information at the toddler or preschool level so a child can learn how to stop it.

What’s the difference between adult–sized words and child-sized words? When a child is emotional because they can’t have what they want or they are being corrected due to misbehavior, child-sized words are brief statements filled with instruction, not full sentences. The statements include what a child should be doing instead of what they have done.

Here is a real Life example: You are at the mall and your child runs off to see a big fountain. You begin warning by saying, “Not acceptable to go near the fountain.” Or, “Not appropriate to run away from me, stay away from the fountain or we have to leave”, yet your child bolts towards the fountain anyway!

Since your child is determined to see the water and isn’t listening, use child-sized words to show him how to look at the fountain the way you want him too. Try saying, “look with eyes, feet on ground, hands in pockets”. Repeat those words several times so he can understand.

What if he doesn’t listen the first few times? Have him take a seat with you a few feet away from the fountain and wait for three to ten seconds. Then return to the fountain and repeat the words again, “look with eyes, feet on ground, hands in pockets.” If he tests you again repeat the process again. Don’t give up it may take several times for him to get it. This is your chance to show him how you want him to do things and if you give up he will see he doesn’t need to listen to this new way of teaching. Teaching this way shows him you’re serious, and gives him several chances to learn. You’ve just switched from adult words that don’t teach to child-sized words that do.

Sharon Silver is the founder and director of ProActive Parenting, offering downloadable seminars to help parents lovingly teach and correct behavior as they deal with everyday toddler and preschooler behavior.

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