Pigtail Pals Is Redefining ‘Girly’

Girls can’t be scientists. Girls are bad at math. Race car driving is for boys.

Of course you know that none of these statements are true. But do you make an active effort in teaching the young girls in your life — daughters, sisters, nieces, students — that they can break through stereotypes and be anything they want to be? Melissa Wardy, Owner of PigtailPals did just that.

Tired of the role models girls are exposed to these days, Melissa had the idea of combining positive messages for girls with fun fashion, and Pigtail Pals was born. Playing on “girly” stereotypes, Melissa aims to redefine what ‘girly’ means by creating whimsical drawings that challenge traditional male/female roles. In her own words, “A Pigtail Pal doesn’t wish upon a star and wait for her prince to show up. A Pigtail Pal gets in her rocket ship and finds that star all on her own.”

When I asked Melissa to expand on how she came up with the idea for Pigtail Pals, she told me this:

“When I conceived the idea for this company, my daughter was a baby and I had control over everything she was exposed to. At the time, I had a desire to provide clothes that had more action and adventure for girls. Now she is in preschool, and I feel as though this hyper-sexualized world of clothes, toys and media are spiraling towards us. And she’s paying attention. That desire has now turned into a firery passion to return childhood to our girls. The concept of “7 going on 16″ is not okay with me. Most of what is on the market today is sexual, inappropriate, and harmful. We are undermining the potential of our girls by giving them toys that have overt messages of sexuality, pleasing men, and worth based on appearance. Pigtail Pals aims to do better.”

In addition to redefining ‘girly’, PigtailPals operates in a socially responsible manner, using tees that are made sweatshop, child-labor free. Pigtail Pals also chooses one charity each month to receive a portion of the profits from sales.

So help Melissa redefine what it means to be girly, and check out all of her designs at Pigtail Pals.

What Do Your Kids Bring Out in You?

I love my kids dearly, but they have the unique ability to occasionally bring out the worst in me. When this happens, I feel like the worst parent and lowest person on the face of the earth. I know it’s not the end of the world to scream at your kids from time to time, but that doesn’t make me feel any better after I have done it, particularly if they just caught me at a bad time. I used to dwell on these moments, using them to define my abilities as a parent, leaving me feeling inadequate to say the least.

Now, for the most part I have learned to view myself as a pretty good parent through the simple observation of the fact that my kids are actually really great people who are kind, caring, creative, smart, respectful and in general, a joy to be around. And they didn’t get this way through a sheer force of nature. Sure, some of their traits may be genetically predisposed, but I like to think that I bring out those traits.

In that vein, my friend Erin suggested I write an article about how our kids foster the best in us. It’s funny — though I have stopped most of the negative self talk when it comes to my own parenting, it shocked me when I first heard her suggestion because I never considered this possibility. And then she went on to clarify: “Our children inspire us to be our best selves, rising above our own insecurities so that we do not pass them on to our children. If we’re shy, we make ourselves be social in moms groups and play dates so our kids will have the social life we never had. If we’re naturally lazy, we invoke our inner athlete to model healthier behavior for them. If we are TV-addicts, we vow to read a new book a month. If we obsess about food and weight, we model healthy eating and food choices for our kids, etc. In so doing, we actually become the people we wish we had been all along and the parents we always wanted to be.” I couldn’t have said it better myself. (Which is why I didn’t try!)

So I reflected on the particular ways in which my kids do make me be my best. Not surprisingly, my friend’s particular examples resonated with me. As a young child, I was left to my own devices when it came to making friends. Of course, things were a lot different back then, when there weren’t waiting lists for play groups, but I led a pretty solitary childhood. When I had my own children, I was naturally inclined to enjoy the company of other mom’s anyway, but even now that my kids are older and play dates don’t include other moms, I am eager for my kids to socialize with other children and look for opportunities for them to do so outside of school.

I was also pretty lazy as a kid, preferring to spend most of my time in front of the TV, pigging out on bowls of cereal or ice cream. I didn’t play any sports or participate in any group activities. My kids on the other hand enjoy soccer, gymnastics, ice skating, swimming, riding bikes, going for long walks in the woods or just running around with no particular purpose.  And while they would gladly plop down in front the TV, they would take any of those activities over their favorite TV show any time. My children also see the commitment I have to my own physical fitness through running, swimming, biking and going to they gym. Sure, there are times that I don’t feel like doing anything myself, but for the sake of getting them moving, we just do it.

I also was not a big reader as a kid. (See above reference to TV.) Although I’m sure my parents read to me from time to time, a love of books was never fostered. But from the time my kids were infants, I read to them virtually every night at bed time, as well as other times too. Now that my older daughter is 7, she is a voracious reader that completely lives up to the title of “book worm”. My younger daughter isn’t reading on her own yet but will happily sit down to have a book read to her or even look at a book on her own.

It goes without saying that throughout my life I have obsessed with food and weight issues. Having two daughters, I am particularly conscious about what messages I send to them in regards to their own appearance and the food choices that they make. I NEVER make comments about my own body (or anyone else’s including theirs) in front of them, and in fact have worked hard to come to terms with and love my body unconditionally in an effort to lead by example. I offer my kids a healthy diet and am proud that while they enjoy their share of junk food, they also gladly eat up things like spinach, asparagus, broccoli, artichokes, and even ask for a salad from time to time. We talk about the value of foods and the concept of moderation, and encourage them to listen to their own bodies. It’s a miracle to me at times to watch them dig into a piece of cake at a birthday party, only to take a few bites and realize that they are full, and don’t want any more.

I suppose it’s natural for us to identify what it was about our own upbringing that we didn’t like and swing the pendulum in the opposite direction, but whatever the underlying motivation, my friend has pointed out to me that, while my kids do from time to time bring out the worst in me, I am a better person for having them in my life, and will always strive to be the best I can be for them and for myself.

Turning Hidden Talents Into a Business

Let’s face it: making a go at “it” on your own is scary. Whether it’s consulting work for an area with which you are already familiar, or a hobby you want to turn into a business, there’s no easy way to get a business going. Or is there?

Jacki Rigoni, owner and creator of jacki paper greeting cards is an example of a woman — a stay-at-home mother of three — who jumped in with both feet and came out, not just with her head above water, but floating along comfortably on the proverbial “lazy river”.

VenusVision wanted to know what some of her secrets were and how she managed to go from sending a few cute home-made cards to friends and family to having a name among local greeting card stores, heading towards national brand recognition. Whether you need a spark to light your own flame, or you just want to learn about an awesome woman, this interview is worth reading.

VV: When did you start making your own cards?

JP: I was on maternity leave with my first daughter, Stella. I had always been into my career as an advertising copywriter. But as soon as she came into the picture, I knew I wanted to find something that would allow me to make money without spending the whole day away from her. I think this is the quintessential mom dilemma.

I’ve always made my own greeting cards to send to family and friends. I certainly never considered that it could be a business—until I started thinking about what I was good at and, more importantly, what I liked doing. The question I asked myself, and what I tell other people to ask themselves is: What do I love doing in my spare time? That should give you a pretty good idea of where to look for business ideas. I mean, you’re going to put your whole heart and energy into it, so it better be something you love. And that usually means that it’s also something you’re good at.

VV: When did you realize you could turn your hobby into a business?

JP: There were two inspired moments for me.

The first was when I was meeting with two other moms for a playdate. Both had had successful careers before kids and both were transitioning to small business ventures as stay-at-home moms. They started talking about a guy who had been an advertising copywriter who became successful as an irreverent greeting card maker. I knew the card brand and liked it a lot, so it really hit home when I heard he was a former writer. It got me thinking.

The second moment was when I was telling a friend about my idea and her response was, “Jacki, of all the people I know, if anyone can do it, you can.” That was huge for me, because I knew she was right.

VV: What kind of initial investment did you make? Were you nervous about the investment?

JP: I initially had a run of my first designs printed for about $5k all told. It was a lot of money for me at the time, but not so much that I’d be on skid row if it totally flopped. I just wanted to do enough cards to get them out in the world and see if anybody liked them. I had no business plan. And really no idea what I was doing. I just went for it and figured I’d learn what I needed to along the way if I got a positive response.

I wasn’t nervous about the investment. What made me nervous was putting myself out there for the world to see. I was really nervous to show friends and stores my cards because they might think they were lame.

So the harder investment for me was my ego.

VV: What have you done to expand your business?

JP: I started by going store to store and quickly realized two things. One, I don’t like sales. Two, I’d never be able to spend the time needed to get my cards all around the country.

So I had to find sales reps, which I did a bit on my own. But recently I just hired my first part-time employee—another mom—to help me build my rep base and expand sales. That was a huge step for me—deciding that it was time to invest in someone to help me out. But one important thing I’ve learned, among the gajillion important things I’ve learned, is to focus on what I do best and outsource the rest.

VV: Where do you hope your card business will be in 5 years?

JP: I’ve kind of done things by jumping in the moving jump rope without a plan. Now that I see I have a viable idea for a brand, I’m working on actually having a 5-year plan and beyond. It’s always been in my head, but it’s time to put it down in writing and work toward it systematically. So that’s part of my growth and maturation as a businessperson.

In my head, I have greeting cards in 1000 boutique stores across the country and Canada, as well as a thriving online store. I also plan to expand to other products like t-shirts, but am working on developing other fun products, too. No mugs and magnets. And I want everything I do to support the brand concept of jacki paper and make it into a company people love and admire. So I want to make sure my growth actually grows the brand, not just the sales.

VV: How do you balance your work life with a family?JP: I want to meet the woman who can.

I often work until one or two a.m. But that’s because I have the flexibility to go with my kids to a mommy and me class or the park during the day. I try to fit that in first and make the work fall in around my kids. Which often means working when they’re in bed at night. I work a lot, but I guess that goes without saying for anyone who has her own business.

I do have a Blackberry, so I can work even when I’m at the park, just in case I do need to send an emergency email. But I try not to answer the phone. When I’m with my kids, I really want to be with them.

I also have an amazing mother-in-law who takes care of the kids during the day and a husband who takes them in the afternoon after work. So a supportive family system is key.

And an office with a door. That I can close if I have to get an order out. Or open if I need to kiss a skinned knee.
In jacki paper terms, it’s doing the hokey pokey and never forgetting what it’s all about.

VV: What has been the greatest motivating factor for growing your business?

Two things, really. First, I don’t want to let anyone down. All the people around me believe in me, and I want to prove them right.

Second, I want to be an example to my kids for how to have a family and do something that you create on your own, on your own terms, without having to answer to anyone else.

Oh, and to make a living. I guess that’s three.

VV: What advice would you give to other women who want to turn their passion into a business?

JP: Go outside and play. Surround yourself with people who believe in you and who are also doing their own thing. Seek out those people and get together with them. Go on play dates with them and bring your kids. It’s surprising how many moms are doing amazing things. It’s totally inspiring and motivating. It makes you realize you can do it yourself.

Put your whole self in. Try things, change if they don’t work, and do whatever you need to do to make it work. Know you won’t get it right the first time. Get feedback, constantly, change, and adapt. My first cards were small and horizontal, because I thought they were sweeter and it made sense that they should be the right way when you pull them out of the envelope. What I found out was that stores were putting them sideways on the shelf to save space. So you couldn’t read them as you stood in the store. I started making the cards bigger, vertical, with most of the design at the top third of the card so that you can see it when it’s peeking out on the shelf. But I only found that out after a year from a sales rep I was asking feedback from. I had to drag it out of him. And I had to be willing to change my design to make the cards pop off the shelf.

Also, create a brand, not just a name, service or a product. People want to buy an idea to believe in, not just a product. Try to create a whole brand identity for yourself. If you don’t know how to do that, pay someone who can. That’s the advertising writer in me still talking.

You can be anything you want to be when you grow up, so don’t dawdle. I find the biggest barrier for most people is just taking the leap of faith to go for it. So my best advice is: Wing it.

I did my research and set a short-term, audacious but attainable goal—having a booth at the National Stationery Show with 20 new cards. And I just went for it, even though I could have been way more prepared. I went to this huge convention, sight unseen, and pretended like I knew what I was doing. I then came home with a sales rep and a bunch of orders. I had to really scramble to get a fax machine and shipping boxes and so many other things I knew nothing about. But it was the kick in the pants I needed to get going.

So stop dilly-dallying and make it happen.

And finally, wear your nice underwear in case you get hit by a bus.

Additional comment to moms:

Before I had kids, I thought I’d never be able to do anything once I did have them. I’ve found the complete opposite to be true.

I have 3 kids—Stella, almost 5, Giovanni, almost 3, and Celeste, 1. And they’ve only been an inspiration to get my act together and live my life on my terms. Having Stella really made me focus on what I wanted out of my life and my family. In fact, you can look at my cards (My mother told me to pick the very best one and you are it.) and see how my kids and my own childhood inspire what I do.

So even though the kids make things technically more difficult—I’m juggling way more now and wonder what I did in my spare time as a single person—I’m much more organized, focused, and motivated.

And way more tired.

But then again, happier and more energized than I’ve ever been in my life.

About jacki paper:

It was a time when station wagons were paneled and jello was serious. In the Midwest suburbs, Jacki and her sisters were drinking from the garden hose and playing kick-the-can past dark. Little did she know how useful those experiences would some day become. As a grown-up, Jacki turned them into words letterpressed on paper like skates clamped on gym shoes.

jacki paper is Jacki Rigoni. She freelances as an advertising copywriter until this adventure lets her out for recess. She built a fort in Belmont, California, with her husband, Mauricio, and their young kids, Stella, Giovanni, and Celeste. She hopes to give their little ones a childhood as idyllic as her own.

Except, without wiping dirt off their faces using her own saliva.

Or ever, ever giving them a perm.

Who Is Supermom?

She’s always just lurking around the corner. We hear of her, and sometimes we even think we have caught a glimpse of her, but she is elusive, always careful to maintain her secret identity.

Well, VenusVision was able to pull some strings, and believe it or not, we were able to catch up with her long enough to find out more about her. This is what we learned.

She is a gourmet chef who only uses the most nutritious, wholesome foods, serving up three balanced meals each day, plus two healthy snacks. Not only does she prepare plenty of green vegetables and colorful fruits, but she actually gets her kids to eat them, enjoy them even! McDonald’s? Chick-fil-A? Burger King? Never! No fast food for her children because she ALWAYS plans ahead. Even when others offer her kids fast food on play dates, they decline. They just don’t like it.

She is a homemaker who performs her duties with the relish of June Cleaver and the style of Martha Stewart. Floors shine, bathrooms sparkle, countertops glisten.  Laundry is always neatly folded (ironing only when necessary, let’s get real here), and put away. Never will you find a laundry basket lying around, full of clean clothes becoming more wrinkled by the minute. Toys scattered about in every room? Of course not, because she has passed her good habits on to her children, and each day they spend the pre-dinner hour happily cleaning up while singing “The Clean Up Song.” Her inspiration for decor? Pottery Barn meets Ikea with a traditional-modern fusion of furniture and decor.

She is a cruise activities director who provides enriching and/or phsycially stimulating activities for her children at all times. (This job doubles as chauffer.) Each activity must enhance intellectual and physical growth. Arts and crafts projects are a daily activity, and imaginary play is encouraged with the help of Supermom’s participation. TV is permitted for the viewing of exactly 30 minutes of educational, public television programming every Saturday morning.

She is a teacher (works hand in hand with cruise activities director). Each child learns their ABCs and how to count to 10 by the age of 1, and of course speak in complete sentences using sign language (American, not Baby Sign Language). She also locates the best schools, starting with preschool and waits in line, sometimes overnight to secure a place in said schools. She oversees homework time each day and “helps” her 6 year-old kindergardener  construct a model of the Greek Parthenon using toilet paper and paper towel tubes.

She is, of course, a bombshell who enjoys frequent mind-blowing sex with her husband. To maintain bombshell status, she regularly attends spinning, pilates, yoga, step, and strength training classes. She dresses like a millionaire but shops like Frugal Fannie, turning the heads of men and women alike everywhere she goes. As she dashes to the store, or drops the children off at pre-school, she always looks put-together, even on her way to the gym.

She volunteers for the PTA, baking cookies and organizing teacher appreciation gifts, and goes door-to-door with her children selling Girl Scout Cookies/Boy Scout Popcorn Tins/School Gift Wrap/Basketball Fundraising Discount Cards.

She provides equal attention and constantly expresses equal love and affection to each member of the family, including Jake the dog, whom she has dutifully trained, resulting in the best behaved, well mannered dog in all her suburban neighborhood.

While showering her children with love and attention she has also ensured they don’t get the idea that they are the center of the universe and become spoiled brats whom no one will invite to their kids’ birthday parties. Instead each child is worthy of praise from Miss Manners herself, peppering their vocabulary with the constant use of “please”, “thank you”, “excuse me” and “May I …?”

She is also able to maintain a social network of friends, providing support to less fortunate friends who suffer from the normal woes of motherhood. She has always read the latest New York Times Bestsellers AND Oprah’s Book Club books, meeting with two different book clubs twice a month. (She also does the New York Times crossword puzzle after reading her newspaper over morning coffee.)

She makes every effort to reduce her carbon footprint by recycling virtually every item in her home, or finding a needy recipient for unwanted goods. She buys local organic food at the Farmers Market every Saturday morning, and she drives a Prius.

Finally, Supermom is actually happy and fulfilled doing all of the above things. And why wouldn’t she be? She has an ideal life in every way possible. So by now you’re probably dying to know who Supermom really is! Ok, you caught me. She’s not real. But this is who she is in my mind. And this to whom I compared myself constantly, lamenting that I would never actually be her. For 6 or so of the 7 years I have been a mother, Supermom was my role model, my idol, my tormenter as I was always falling short of becoming her. And then, one day, I took a good look at my kids. They are bright, compassionate, curious, respectful, wonderful human beings. And I think I had something to do with that. Ok, I think I had A LOT to do with that. Maybe I didn’t do all the things I thought I should have done. But instead, I was a wonderful mother in other ways. And I am a wonderful wife. And I am a wonderful friend. (I’m even a pretty good dog owner.)

I do the best I can at the things that are important to me, and do what I can for the rest. In ending my quest for Supermom, I found a pretty super mom in myself. Up Up and away!

5 Things I Learned In My 30s

Getting older occasionally has its advantages. One thing we hope for is a little bit of wisdom here and there. I would never claim to be wise — I’ll leave that to the old bearded man sitting on top of the mountain — but I do think I’ve learned a few things in my 30s. Each piece of wisdom I have gained was there for the taking earlier in life, but perhaps because of the phase of life I was in, I was unable to see it. As my wise father always says, “It’s developmental.” But maybe if I shed a little light on a few of my own secrets, I can help a few others see things in a new light themselves.

I learned:

1. ) How to love my body, at any size.

When I was 9 months pregnant pushing 200 pounds (having gained 50 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight), my husband still couldn’t keep his hands off me. He has always found my body beautiful at my lowest weight and at my highest. So why shouldn’t I? Of course I realize it’s not as easy as saying “Oh, well he/she/they think I’m beautiful, so I must be.” Our confidence in our body must come from within and not depend on the opinions of others. And it has taken me 30-something years, and the birth of two children for me to learn what an amazing thing my body is. I respect its accomplishments both big and small, and as I grow older I want to treat my body right so that it can carry me through the future.

2.) That I love being active.
I love to run, but anything beyond that, I never had the ambition or confidence to try a sport. As a kid I always wanted to play soccer, but I did not share my wishes with my parents and so I just ignored my desires to be active, instead opting for hours of TV time. In high school, I tried out for the track team, but found it too rigorous for me at the time and consequently gave up on being active all together. After that, here and there I would try to get fit, but more out of an attempt to change my body and lose weight than for the joy of being active.

But after the birth of my first daughter, I was fortunate enough to have some time to try and figure out exactly what it was that I enjoy. I took up running again, and this time stuck with it, eventually running three half marathons to date. (A full marathon is yet to come!) I spent two years taking Karate, nine months of which were during my second pregnancy. I continued right up until a week before my second daughter was born, and even with a c-section, I was back after only 3 weeks. Karate really kept me in shape during my pregnancy and I fully believe helped to speed my recovery. Eventually I received the lowest level of black belt before I moved on to other activities.

Later, I discovered a love for biking and swimming, and eventually combined that love with my passion for running and participated in my first triathlon. I was hooked and can’t wait to do more!

The difference between my half-hearted attempts to get fit in the past, and my unfailing commitment to fitness these days is that I don’t focus on the number of calories I am burning. Instead, I am conscious of the feeling it gives me, not just in the moment (or when I am finished) but overall. I feel strong, powerful and healthy. And, if I don’t make it to the gym for a week or two because life has thrown a curve ball, I don’t have to berate myself since I am not going just for the sake of looking better.

3.) That I am not a super mom, that being a stay at home mom is not the answer to my personal fulfillment. And that’s ok.

Before I had my first daughter, I worked for a large internet company. While it was definitely fun to work there during the the hey-day of dot.com boom (no, I wasn’t one of the dot.com millionaires) I quickly realized working in the corporate environment was not my thing. I had no desire to move up in the company, and was pretty much biding my time until I had kids, at which point I knew I wanted to stay home.

But when I actually came home with my first daughter, I discovered that I wasn’t a natural after all. Between the crazy post partem hormones, sleepless nights, round-the-clock nursing and colic, I quickly felt like I was losing my mind and questioned my ability to be a full time mom. I know a lot of those feelings are normal in the beginning, but there has always been a part of me that wondered if my children would be better off in someone else’s full time care, while I went back to work. The trouble was there wasn’t any work I could think of that I’d rather be doing than taking care of my children. A conundrum indeed! So I continued to stay at home, feeling incompetent and trying to keep up with my friends and all they were doing with their own kids the same age. But as my kids have gotten older, I have begun to realize something. They’re pretty great kids. They’re polite and well mannered. They are compassionate towards others. They’re loving. They’re smart and creative. They’re all around fabulous human beings. So I’ve concluded that I must being doing something right! I may not be the mom that sits down on the floor all day and plays with my kids. But I enjoy being with them, and we find other ways to enjoy each other’s company. I may not take them to art museums, plays, and concerts. But they love music, science and drama. I still lose my patience with them. I still sometimes say ‘no’ more times than I like, but I finally realized that my strengths as a parent are not lost on them.

4.) How to dress for my body.

Once I hit puberty, I had a peripheral interest in fashion, but without some lessons on what looks good on ME, I generally failed to pull together flattering, stylish outfits. Looking back at pictures of me in late teens and early 20s, I sometimes wonder, “What was I thinking?” when I put that on. But then came Stacy & Clinton from “What Not to Wear”, a popular show on The Learning Channel. Although I had started to come into my own sense of style before then, I learned some important lessons about what kind of clothes would flatter my pear shaped figure. I learned to be more objective about clothing, and pay less attention to the size on the label than how it fit my shape.

I don’t encourage women to obsess over their appearance, or constantly worry about how they are being judged on their appearance by others. But there is something empowering about feeling good in the clothes on your body. It gives a feeling of self confidence and lifts your spirit. Have you ever tried putting on a favorite outfit that you always feel good in when you are feeling down? Just like putting on a false smile causes a chemical reaction in your body that releases good feeling hormones, looking good on the outside can seep into your inner spirit and make you feel good on the inside.

5.) If someone stops petting you, move on.
I read this one in a book, and have made it a personal philosophy. One advantage to getting older is that a lot of things you worried about when you were younger are no longer a source of stress. In our teens and 20s, we usually spend a lot of time worrying about what others think of us, and consequently trying to please them. When a fair weather friend would stop returning my calls, I would fret over what I had done. Did I say something offensive without realizing it? Did I commit some major social faux paus? Or worse, was I just not cool enough/interesting enough/smart enough/attractive enough? And then I realized, none of that mattered. If my friendship is not worth the effort to others to maintain, then THEY are not worthy of my friendship and I move on. If I offend a friend, I expect them to tell me and clear the air. If they simply hold a grudge, or I worry over what I might have done, then both parties are only bathing themselves in self defeating negative energy.

So, what have you learned as you grow older?

Not Appropriate, Not Acceptable: Do These Words Really Work?

by Sharon Silver

A 3 yr old hits a friend and mom says, “that’s not appropriate, it’s unacceptable to hit a friend, go say sorry.” Everyone says it—but are those the best words to use when a child is emotional? Does it teach a child how to resolve the situation next time? It does tell him that mom and dad are upset, but so does your tone of voice and the look on your face. I think parents want more from corrections. I think parents want the words they use words to stop behavior and tell a child what they should do instead.

Why isn’t saying, “that’s not appropriate or not acceptable” enough to stop behavior? When a child is emotional or being corrected for misbehavior those words are over their heads.

I did an experiment a while ago with 20 kids ages 2-6. I asked them “what does ‘not appropriate’ mean?” All but one of them said, “I don’t know.” One child said, “Oh, that’s what mom says when she gets mad.”

Would you ever say, “that’s not fitting for this particular purpose” or “that’s not adequate to satisfy a need, a requirement or a standard in this situation” to a young child? Of course not; it’s way over their heads. Well, that’s the definition of appropriate and acceptable.

Toddlers and preschoolers are having first time experiences and require repetition and teaching to learn. Young children are experiencing situations for the first, second or third time—ever. They need to be told about their behavior repeatedly without anger; they need to be taught. A common problem arises when parents assume that since their young child is walking, talking and possibly potty trained, they have full understanding of how life works and full comprehension of the English language. They don’t. They need calm parents to show them what to do instead of what they did.

So how do you teach a child how to “stop it” without using those words? Parents need to send information at the toddler or preschool level so a child can learn how to stop it.

What’s the difference between adult–sized words and child-sized words? When a child is emotional because they can’t have what they want or they are being corrected due to misbehavior, child-sized words are brief statements filled with instruction, not full sentences. The statements include what a child should be doing instead of what they have done.

Here is a real Life example: You are at the mall and your child runs off to see a big fountain. You begin warning by saying, “Not acceptable to go near the fountain.” Or, “Not appropriate to run away from me, stay away from the fountain or we have to leave”, yet your child bolts towards the fountain anyway!

Since your child is determined to see the water and isn’t listening, use child-sized words to show him how to look at the fountain the way you want him too. Try saying, “look with eyes, feet on ground, hands in pockets”. Repeat those words several times so he can understand.

What if he doesn’t listen the first few times? Have him take a seat with you a few feet away from the fountain and wait for three to ten seconds. Then return to the fountain and repeat the words again, “look with eyes, feet on ground, hands in pockets.” If he tests you again repeat the process again. Don’t give up it may take several times for him to get it. This is your chance to show him how you want him to do things and if you give up he will see he doesn’t need to listen to this new way of teaching. Teaching this way shows him you’re serious, and gives him several chances to learn. You’ve just switched from adult words that don’t teach to child-sized words that do.

Sharon Silver is the founder and director of ProActive Parenting, offering downloadable seminars to help parents lovingly teach and correct behavior as they deal with everyday toddler and preschooler behavior.

The Power Struggle: Once It Begins, How do I Stop It?

by Sharon Silver

It can happen anywhere and at anytime. A child screams his demands and his parent feels overwhelmed, embarrassed or angry. Mom increases the intensity of her reaction because she knows what’s coming—a power struggle. Her son wants to be heard so he continues the negotiating and arguing. Now both parent and child are loudly trying to make their point and a power struggle has begun.

Why doesn’t the arguing and negotiating stop when a parent says, “stop it now”?

The short answer is your child is still learning and your reaction is one of the things teaching him. When a parent increases the intensity of her reaction to stop a power struggle it can scare a child. Toddlers and preschoolers tend to revert back to a slightly younger age when they are really emotional. A parent’s big reaction can push a wee one over the edge emotionally causing a power struggle to get bigger or morph right into a frightened tantrum.

The other thing that could happen is due to immature understanding; a young preschooler can view a parent’s reaction as a form of teaching. They may misinterpret your reaction as “Oh, so this is how you’re supposed to behave” and then they model your behavior right back at you.

How to drop your end of a power struggle

Since your child is young and learning from everything around him, you need to make the first change. How? Mom and dad can back out of the power struggle by going silent for 10-60 seconds. It’s that simple and that powerful. The silence is not to be used as a punishment and it shouldn’t go on for any longer than it takes for the parent to see the child calm a little bit. As long as the silence isn’t punitive it quickly becomes more powerful than the arguing. It sends the message, “I hear you and I’m no longer willing to argue with you.”

Your first reaction after reading that may be, “doesn’t that mean I’m letting him get away with disrespectful behavior?” No, actually it’s quite the opposite. Parental silence captures his attention and he thinks, “Uh oh, I’m in trouble.” And since he’s emotionally out of control your silence shows him that you’re calm and in control and he’s comforted by that. He also senses that pleading, negotiating and screaming has to stop now.

Go silent for 10-60 seconds as soon as you realize you’re in a power struggle.  Explain that you won’t be talking until he calms down. You need to explain why you’ve gone silent or it will either confuse him or cause a bigger fuss. Then go silent again as he tries to re-engage you, and he will. Repeating instructions is key as you do this tip. Repeat this process as many times as needed the first few times you try this.

So the next time you find yourself arguing with a 3 or 4 yr old—go silent for 10-60 seconds, take a few deep breaths and wait for your child to calm down before you talk. Then follow your heart as you help him learn about your family’s rules and resolve the situation.

Sharon Silver is the founder and director of ProActive Parenting, www.proactiveparenting.net a site offering downloadable seminars to help parents switch from punishment to discipline as they deal with everyday toddler and preschooler behavior.

So What Do Moms Do All Day Anyway?

by Samantha Moore

With “Take Your Child to Work” day coming up (April 23), I am reminded of the day a few years back when my babysitter (a child I used to have in my daycare center years before) told me she had wanted to “tail” ME for the day. Her teacher told her that wasn’t acceptable. She needed to go to an office environment. I translated that to my JOB not being “real” enough to warrant interest!

You can imagine my anger at the insensitivity of the teacher. She/he must not have children. If they had, they would know how a stay-at-home Mom’s JOB is probably more taxing than most on any given day.

For instance, here was my typical work schedule with two toddlers in the house:

6:30am First client arrives unannounced in my bedroom demanding attention by sticking finger up my eyelid. Second client arrives soon after needing assistance as well. After getting out of bed and dealing with matters (still in PJs), they insist on a meeting over breakfast… now.

6:45am The entourage goes downstairs to the canteen while discussing the day’s agenda. After cooking a balanced meal and cleaning up (all while the clients act like little boys talking about their favorite cars and occasionally cracking bathroom humor), it’s off to dress the clients and myself to get ready to go off campus.

8am Drive clients to grocery store to buy more food for future balanced meals. Keep clients from grabbing fruit and vegetables off bins. Warn clients of oncoming carts. Ask clients to stay close to cart – for own safety. Return to office and put away stock while clients try to help, but wind up breaking glass jars of apple sauce (buy plastic next time/clean up spill now).

10am Clients look to me for programming ideas… they are at a loss for what to do. Plan activities that will encourage brain development. Teach them to get along and share.

11:30am Clients demand more food (prep then clean…)

1pm Clients morale starts to deteriorate and bickering ensues between them. I encourage them to take a break and rest. It’s a good day — they actually go to sleep.

1:30pm While clients sleep, get on phone and arrange doctor’s check-ups as well as dentist visits. Call phone company and dispute mysterious charge. While on hold, start laundry. Clean client’s work area, check emails and respond while still on hold with phone company. Check bills and pay any due within next two weeks. Still on hold….

2:15 Still on hold with phone company as one client awakes and comes down stairs. Must do damage control with him as his leg has fallen asleep and now hurts as it “wakes up”. Client wines that his leg feels sparkly. The 5 minutes of crying has woken up the other client who is similarly not in a good mood. Phone company employee has finally come on the line and wants to know what I need. Really? What I NEED right now!!?? I’m sure she can’t give that to me, so I NEED to call her back later.

3pm Put shoes on wining clients as well as jackets and take them outside for a change of venue. This seems to work. Morale is better. Must locate digging tools and help find earthworms for collection. Mediate between my clients and other “clients” at the digging site. Territorial rites are argued and physical injury is imminent. Appropriate new digging site for my clients with “bigger and better” worms. This new site is soon found by other clients and is compromised as well.

5pm Must coax my clients back into office so third meal of day may be prepared before the CEO arrives back at the office. Much bribery is needed to get clients inside. Transfer laundry as I pass by the laundry room. Once inside, mediation is required to fix disagreement between clients before cooking prep may begin. Start cooking process with one client attached to leg. Must practice great caution to not injure client. Don’t want an OSHA visit. Easier to cook with client on leg than listen to his list of disagreements to the “system”.

6pm CEO arrives home. Clients are glad to see him and my leg is finally freed. Finish cooking project and prepare table for office staff to eat.

6:30pm CEO takes clients upstairs to boardroom to recap the days events. I remain in canteen and clean dishes and put away client’s office supplies. Inspect the day’s mail for important documents – keep bills, discard junk and shred the rest.

7:30pm Retrieve clean laundry. Start another load. Fold clean laundry. Separate into piles for each client. Disperse later. Re-dry CEO’s pants as they have sat in dryer too long and are wrinkled. Set watch timer to catch them this time.

8pm Vacuum basement level where clients came in with muddy shoes from “worm retrieval” project. Clean and disinfect toilet from youngest client’s efforts at potty training.

8:15pm Hang CEO’s pants from dryer.

8:20pm Continue with cleaning efforts….

9:15pm Read and retain pertinent information from daily newspapers and periodicals received in mail. Use this information in later conversations so as to sound as if brain is not totally mush from the efforts of maintaining this office.

10pm Meet with CEO and discuss days events. Go over positive outcomes as well as discuss how to differently handle negative ones.

10:45pm Turn off lights in office and go to sleep.

2am Client cries out due to negatively perceived dream. Meet with client and discuss the improbability of dream actually happening. Discuss flow chart of positive outcomes if go back to sleep. Convince client all is well.

2:15am Get back to bed.

6:30am another day at the office.

How could anyone question the respectability of OUR day at the office!? Although I think I’ll pay attention next year and send my “clients” in with the CEO to his headquarters. Maybe I could call that a vacation day….

End of the Day Whining: Two Tips to Help

by Sharon Silver

The adult world can leave you exhausted at the end of the day. All you want to do is decompress; yet your child wants 100% of your attention, and the evening arguing begins.

Mom needs to get dinner ready or bedtime will be late and dad needs to send one more email before work tomorrow. Your child doesn’t care about that, she doesn’t know anything about the adult world, she lives in the present moment and wants your attention now. And now the whining and yelling begins.

Most children can be whiny at the end of day. They’ve held it together emotionally all day without you and now they’re home where it’s safe and the emotions begin to roll. However parents have been in the adult world all day and have little energy left for any whining.

Here are two tips, one feeds attention and one feeds the tummy, both help change End of the Day Whining.

Literally feed end of the day whining—don’t starve it.

What if you began by feeding your child ahead of dinner instead of insisting she stop whining now! We all know mealtime can be the only focused time a family has all day, and I’m not asking you to give that up, I’m suggesting a change in how it goes. Sometimes hunger causes whining and food is the only solution.

Be proactive and create a “dinner box”. Have a container waiting in the refrigerator so she can have food as soon as she gets home. Stock the box ahead of time with things like cheese, yogurt, lunch meat, tuna, veggies and dip, fruit, cheese and crackers, cheese tortillas, or leftovers. What ever works for your child, as long as it’s healthy.

Won’t that spoil her dinner? No, it becomes the bulk of her dinner. It’s simply feeding her the way you used too when she was a baby, before you eat. Now she’s older and can handle eating as she does the next tip and while you continue to make the family meal. Also, your child’s stomach is the size of her fist. Toddlers and preschoolers don’t eat as much as adults do, and most don’t enjoy complex adult food; they’re natural grazers and prefer small portions many times a day of the foods already mentioned.

What about family time? Eating together each night is very important, but it’s not the eating of the food that’s so important, it’s the time spent together. Now that your child has been partially fed invite her to finish dinner with the family or have her join you for desert. This way you get to have a calmer family meal with less whining.

Feed the need for attention—but on your terms.

This tip will fill both your needs, she gets attention and you continue making dinner. Consider having a special seat in the kitchen called “time with me seat”? That way your child can be with you—but not under foot. Have your child sit in her “special” seat as she eats from the “dinner box” and let her eat slowly as she tells you about her day. Begin by asking her direct questions to get things started and then let her go on about anything. This exchange fills her up with the attention she’s craving and doesn’t force you stop the flow of family life as you provide one-on-one time.

Sharon Silver is the founder and director of ProActive Parenting, a site offering downloadable seminars to help parents switch from punishment to discipline as they deal with everyday toddler and preschooler behavior.

How One Woman Dealt With Diabetes

Diabetes is a word we hear a lot these days. In fact, I think in many ways we’re becoming desensitized to the word. I’m fairly certain there are few people out there who don’t know someone affected by diabetes. Because we often hear about it being controlled by diet and exercise, we’ve come to view diabetes as a relatively benign disease — perhaps something as inevitable as gray hair.

Laura Wolfe, who goes by “Lahle,” learned first-hand that diabetes is anything but benign when it nearly took the life of her daughter at the age of 4. Since Lahle had long suffered from Type 2 diabetes, she started noticing signs in her daughter that concerned her. Initially doctors dismissed Wolfe’s concerns that Elizabeth was diabetic, but a year later, when symptoms came on rapidly, Elizabeth had to be rushed to the emergency room where her blood sugars were found to be at life-threatening levels.

Overnight Lahle’s life changed, along with that of her family. Elizabeth’s blood sugars were impossibly hard to stabilize, and it was soon determined that she was allergic to the buffering agents in long-acting insulin, and that regular insulin administered through a pump would solve the problem. Because the insulin pump regulated Elizabeth’s insulin levels, she was able to regain some control over eating, playing, and sleeping.

Lahle’s initial reaction to Elizabeth’s diagnosis was that of most parents when tragedy strikes their child – total shock and the guilty feelings that this was somehow all her fault. One day you think you have a perfectly healthy normal child, and the next day your life and hers is turned upside down. But Lahle learned many things as a result of her experiences, not the least of which was the strength of herself and her other children who in her own words were “saintly patient” as their own needs often went neglected while Lahle learned to cope with Elizabeth’s diabetes.

While there are many resources out there for diabetics, many newly diagnosed patients don’t know where to turn for help in managing their health and dealing with insurance companies who often determine “the best treatment” which may not always be consistent with what your doctors deem is the best treatment. Or worse, there are many without any insurance who struggle to pay for the care they need. Lahle battled with her own insurance company to get Elizabeth’s pump, and was grateful that the company Animas Corp. stepped in and offered her one. Lahle realized how fortunate Elizabeth was to receive one so quickly — only one month after being diagnosed with diabetes — when so many other patients must wait an indefinite amount of time while insurance companies determine the need.

Feeling frustrated with a lack of coherent information on diabetes and concerned that others struggled to get the right care, Lahle took action and created the non-profit organization iPump whose mission is to provide free insulin pumps and diabetes supplies to qualifying approved applicants. Since its inception in 2006, iPump has distributed more than $750,000in free insulin pumps and diabetes supplies to individuals and struggling free clinics throughout the country. Additionally, Wolfe created Islets of Hope, a certified Health on the Net website, that provides information and resources on diabetes and helps connect diabetics with one another through community support.

Together, iPump and Islets of Hope have provided more than 6,700 people with diabetes with free medical supplies, insulin pumps, and legal assistance. Having this positive mission gives Lahle’s own experiences a purpose and new meaning. According to Wolfe, “In my work I have seen every worst-case scenario of what diabetes does to people. But because of the tremendous outpouring of compassion from the diabetes community itself, we are able to help others with diabetes stay alive until we have a cure. iPump is an organization built by people with diabetes taking care of other people with diabetes and there is currently no other organization like it in the world.”

Though Lahle admits that diabetes may have “darkened” part of her world, she found that it also “provided contrast to the brights which now seem even more brilliant and wonderful than before.” She savors the simple moments of Elizabeth’s childhood, and views each of her four children as miracles. In her own words, “While diabetes certainly is no gift, it came surrounded by gifts of grace and personal growth and the ability to see beauty in far more things than I ever imagined possible.”