The Power Struggle: Once It Begins, How do I Stop It?

by Sharon Silver

It can happen anywhere and at anytime. A child screams his demands and his parent feels overwhelmed, embarrassed or angry. Mom increases the intensity of her reaction because she knows what’s coming—a power struggle. Her son wants to be heard so he continues the negotiating and arguing. Now both parent and child are loudly trying to make their point and a power struggle has begun.

Why doesn’t the arguing and negotiating stop when a parent says, “stop it now”?

The short answer is your child is still learning and your reaction is one of the things teaching him. When a parent increases the intensity of her reaction to stop a power struggle it can scare a child. Toddlers and preschoolers tend to revert back to a slightly younger age when they are really emotional. A parent’s big reaction can push a wee one over the edge emotionally causing a power struggle to get bigger or morph right into a frightened tantrum.

The other thing that could happen is due to immature understanding; a young preschooler can view a parent’s reaction as a form of teaching. They may misinterpret your reaction as “Oh, so this is how you’re supposed to behave” and then they model your behavior right back at you.

How to drop your end of a power struggle

Since your child is young and learning from everything around him, you need to make the first change. How? Mom and dad can back out of the power struggle by going silent for 10-60 seconds. It’s that simple and that powerful. The silence is not to be used as a punishment and it shouldn’t go on for any longer than it takes for the parent to see the child calm a little bit. As long as the silence isn’t punitive it quickly becomes more powerful than the arguing. It sends the message, “I hear you and I’m no longer willing to argue with you.”

Your first reaction after reading that may be, “doesn’t that mean I’m letting him get away with disrespectful behavior?” No, actually it’s quite the opposite. Parental silence captures his attention and he thinks, “Uh oh, I’m in trouble.” And since he’s emotionally out of control your silence shows him that you’re calm and in control and he’s comforted by that. He also senses that pleading, negotiating and screaming has to stop now.

Go silent for 10-60 seconds as soon as you realize you’re in a power struggle.  Explain that you won’t be talking until he calms down. You need to explain why you’ve gone silent or it will either confuse him or cause a bigger fuss. Then go silent again as he tries to re-engage you, and he will. Repeating instructions is key as you do this tip. Repeat this process as many times as needed the first few times you try this.

So the next time you find yourself arguing with a 3 or 4 yr old—go silent for 10-60 seconds, take a few deep breaths and wait for your child to calm down before you talk. Then follow your heart as you help him learn about your family’s rules and resolve the situation.

Sharon Silver is the founder and director of ProActive Parenting, www.proactiveparenting.net a site offering downloadable seminars to help parents switch from punishment to discipline as they deal with everyday toddler and preschooler behavior.

So What Do Moms Do All Day Anyway?

by Samantha Moore

With “Take Your Child to Work” day coming up (April 23), I am reminded of the day a few years back when my babysitter (a child I used to have in my daycare center years before) told me she had wanted to “tail” ME for the day. Her teacher told her that wasn’t acceptable. She needed to go to an office environment. I translated that to my JOB not being “real” enough to warrant interest!

You can imagine my anger at the insensitivity of the teacher. She/he must not have children. If they had, they would know how a stay-at-home Mom’s JOB is probably more taxing than most on any given day.

For instance, here was my typical work schedule with two toddlers in the house:

6:30am First client arrives unannounced in my bedroom demanding attention by sticking finger up my eyelid. Second client arrives soon after needing assistance as well. After getting out of bed and dealing with matters (still in PJs), they insist on a meeting over breakfast… now.

6:45am The entourage goes downstairs to the canteen while discussing the day’s agenda. After cooking a balanced meal and cleaning up (all while the clients act like little boys talking about their favorite cars and occasionally cracking bathroom humor), it’s off to dress the clients and myself to get ready to go off campus.

8am Drive clients to grocery store to buy more food for future balanced meals. Keep clients from grabbing fruit and vegetables off bins. Warn clients of oncoming carts. Ask clients to stay close to cart – for own safety. Return to office and put away stock while clients try to help, but wind up breaking glass jars of apple sauce (buy plastic next time/clean up spill now).

10am Clients look to me for programming ideas… they are at a loss for what to do. Plan activities that will encourage brain development. Teach them to get along and share.

11:30am Clients demand more food (prep then clean…)

1pm Clients morale starts to deteriorate and bickering ensues between them. I encourage them to take a break and rest. It’s a good day — they actually go to sleep.

1:30pm While clients sleep, get on phone and arrange doctor’s check-ups as well as dentist visits. Call phone company and dispute mysterious charge. While on hold, start laundry. Clean client’s work area, check emails and respond while still on hold with phone company. Check bills and pay any due within next two weeks. Still on hold….

2:15 Still on hold with phone company as one client awakes and comes down stairs. Must do damage control with him as his leg has fallen asleep and now hurts as it “wakes up”. Client wines that his leg feels sparkly. The 5 minutes of crying has woken up the other client who is similarly not in a good mood. Phone company employee has finally come on the line and wants to know what I need. Really? What I NEED right now!!?? I’m sure she can’t give that to me, so I NEED to call her back later.

3pm Put shoes on wining clients as well as jackets and take them outside for a change of venue. This seems to work. Morale is better. Must locate digging tools and help find earthworms for collection. Mediate between my clients and other “clients” at the digging site. Territorial rites are argued and physical injury is imminent. Appropriate new digging site for my clients with “bigger and better” worms. This new site is soon found by other clients and is compromised as well.

5pm Must coax my clients back into office so third meal of day may be prepared before the CEO arrives back at the office. Much bribery is needed to get clients inside. Transfer laundry as I pass by the laundry room. Once inside, mediation is required to fix disagreement between clients before cooking prep may begin. Start cooking process with one client attached to leg. Must practice great caution to not injure client. Don’t want an OSHA visit. Easier to cook with client on leg than listen to his list of disagreements to the “system”.

6pm CEO arrives home. Clients are glad to see him and my leg is finally freed. Finish cooking project and prepare table for office staff to eat.

6:30pm CEO takes clients upstairs to boardroom to recap the days events. I remain in canteen and clean dishes and put away client’s office supplies. Inspect the day’s mail for important documents – keep bills, discard junk and shred the rest.

7:30pm Retrieve clean laundry. Start another load. Fold clean laundry. Separate into piles for each client. Disperse later. Re-dry CEO’s pants as they have sat in dryer too long and are wrinkled. Set watch timer to catch them this time.

8pm Vacuum basement level where clients came in with muddy shoes from “worm retrieval” project. Clean and disinfect toilet from youngest client’s efforts at potty training.

8:15pm Hang CEO’s pants from dryer.

8:20pm Continue with cleaning efforts….

9:15pm Read and retain pertinent information from daily newspapers and periodicals received in mail. Use this information in later conversations so as to sound as if brain is not totally mush from the efforts of maintaining this office.

10pm Meet with CEO and discuss days events. Go over positive outcomes as well as discuss how to differently handle negative ones.

10:45pm Turn off lights in office and go to sleep.

2am Client cries out due to negatively perceived dream. Meet with client and discuss the improbability of dream actually happening. Discuss flow chart of positive outcomes if go back to sleep. Convince client all is well.

2:15am Get back to bed.

6:30am another day at the office.

How could anyone question the respectability of OUR day at the office!? Although I think I’ll pay attention next year and send my “clients” in with the CEO to his headquarters. Maybe I could call that a vacation day….

End of the Day Whining: Two Tips to Help

by Sharon Silver

The adult world can leave you exhausted at the end of the day. All you want to do is decompress; yet your child wants 100% of your attention, and the evening arguing begins.

Mom needs to get dinner ready or bedtime will be late and dad needs to send one more email before work tomorrow. Your child doesn’t care about that, she doesn’t know anything about the adult world, she lives in the present moment and wants your attention now. And now the whining and yelling begins.

Most children can be whiny at the end of day. They’ve held it together emotionally all day without you and now they’re home where it’s safe and the emotions begin to roll. However parents have been in the adult world all day and have little energy left for any whining.

Here are two tips, one feeds attention and one feeds the tummy, both help change End of the Day Whining.

Literally feed end of the day whining—don’t starve it.

What if you began by feeding your child ahead of dinner instead of insisting she stop whining now! We all know mealtime can be the only focused time a family has all day, and I’m not asking you to give that up, I’m suggesting a change in how it goes. Sometimes hunger causes whining and food is the only solution.

Be proactive and create a “dinner box”. Have a container waiting in the refrigerator so she can have food as soon as she gets home. Stock the box ahead of time with things like cheese, yogurt, lunch meat, tuna, veggies and dip, fruit, cheese and crackers, cheese tortillas, or leftovers. What ever works for your child, as long as it’s healthy.

Won’t that spoil her dinner? No, it becomes the bulk of her dinner. It’s simply feeding her the way you used too when she was a baby, before you eat. Now she’s older and can handle eating as she does the next tip and while you continue to make the family meal. Also, your child’s stomach is the size of her fist. Toddlers and preschoolers don’t eat as much as adults do, and most don’t enjoy complex adult food; they’re natural grazers and prefer small portions many times a day of the foods already mentioned.

What about family time? Eating together each night is very important, but it’s not the eating of the food that’s so important, it’s the time spent together. Now that your child has been partially fed invite her to finish dinner with the family or have her join you for desert. This way you get to have a calmer family meal with less whining.

Feed the need for attention—but on your terms.

This tip will fill both your needs, she gets attention and you continue making dinner. Consider having a special seat in the kitchen called “time with me seat”? That way your child can be with you—but not under foot. Have your child sit in her “special” seat as she eats from the “dinner box” and let her eat slowly as she tells you about her day. Begin by asking her direct questions to get things started and then let her go on about anything. This exchange fills her up with the attention she’s craving and doesn’t force you stop the flow of family life as you provide one-on-one time.

Sharon Silver is the founder and director of ProActive Parenting, a site offering downloadable seminars to help parents switch from punishment to discipline as they deal with everyday toddler and preschooler behavior.

How One Woman Dealt With Diabetes

Diabetes is a word we hear a lot these days. In fact, I think in many ways we’re becoming desensitized to the word. I’m fairly certain there are few people out there who don’t know someone affected by diabetes. Because we often hear about it being controlled by diet and exercise, we’ve come to view diabetes as a relatively benign disease — perhaps something as inevitable as gray hair.

Laura Wolfe, who goes by “Lahle,” learned first-hand that diabetes is anything but benign when it nearly took the life of her daughter at the age of 4. Since Lahle had long suffered from Type 2 diabetes, she started noticing signs in her daughter that concerned her. Initially doctors dismissed Wolfe’s concerns that Elizabeth was diabetic, but a year later, when symptoms came on rapidly, Elizabeth had to be rushed to the emergency room where her blood sugars were found to be at life-threatening levels.

Overnight Lahle’s life changed, along with that of her family. Elizabeth’s blood sugars were impossibly hard to stabilize, and it was soon determined that she was allergic to the buffering agents in long-acting insulin, and that regular insulin administered through a pump would solve the problem. Because the insulin pump regulated Elizabeth’s insulin levels, she was able to regain some control over eating, playing, and sleeping.

Lahle’s initial reaction to Elizabeth’s diagnosis was that of most parents when tragedy strikes their child – total shock and the guilty feelings that this was somehow all her fault. One day you think you have a perfectly healthy normal child, and the next day your life and hers is turned upside down. But Lahle learned many things as a result of her experiences, not the least of which was the strength of herself and her other children who in her own words were “saintly patient” as their own needs often went neglected while Lahle learned to cope with Elizabeth’s diabetes.

While there are many resources out there for diabetics, many newly diagnosed patients don’t know where to turn for help in managing their health and dealing with insurance companies who often determine “the best treatment” which may not always be consistent with what your doctors deem is the best treatment. Or worse, there are many without any insurance who struggle to pay for the care they need. Lahle battled with her own insurance company to get Elizabeth’s pump, and was grateful that the company Animas Corp. stepped in and offered her one. Lahle realized how fortunate Elizabeth was to receive one so quickly — only one month after being diagnosed with diabetes — when so many other patients must wait an indefinite amount of time while insurance companies determine the need.

Feeling frustrated with a lack of coherent information on diabetes and concerned that others struggled to get the right care, Lahle took action and created the non-profit organization iPump whose mission is to provide free insulin pumps and diabetes supplies to qualifying approved applicants. Since its inception in 2006, iPump has distributed more than $750,000in free insulin pumps and diabetes supplies to individuals and struggling free clinics throughout the country. Additionally, Wolfe created Islets of Hope, a certified Health on the Net website, that provides information and resources on diabetes and helps connect diabetics with one another through community support.

Together, iPump and Islets of Hope have provided more than 6,700 people with diabetes with free medical supplies, insulin pumps, and legal assistance. Having this positive mission gives Lahle’s own experiences a purpose and new meaning. According to Wolfe, “In my work I have seen every worst-case scenario of what diabetes does to people. But because of the tremendous outpouring of compassion from the diabetes community itself, we are able to help others with diabetes stay alive until we have a cure. iPump is an organization built by people with diabetes taking care of other people with diabetes and there is currently no other organization like it in the world.”

Though Lahle admits that diabetes may have “darkened” part of her world, she found that it also “provided contrast to the brights which now seem even more brilliant and wonderful than before.” She savors the simple moments of Elizabeth’s childhood, and views each of her four children as miracles. In her own words, “While diabetes certainly is no gift, it came surrounded by gifts of grace and personal growth and the ability to see beauty in far more things than I ever imagined possible.”

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