Book Review: Women Food and God

After reading a sample chapter of Geneen Roth’s new book Women Food and God: An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything my former therapist sent to me, I immediately went to Amazon, ordered the book, paid for upgraded overnight shipping, and waited impatiently for it to arrive while going back and rereading the sample chapter (which is Chapter 4, entitled “It’s Not About the Weight, but it’s Not Not About the Weight.” Saturday morning, I poured myself a cup of coffee, went out on my patio in the chilly morning spring air, and opened up the book. As I devoured page after page, tears streamed down my face as I felt both happiness and sadness with each sentence I read and identified so deeply with: happiness to realize how far I have come in my own journey to ending years of disordered eating habits and finally reaching levels of fulfillment I never thought possible, and sadness to recognize the isolation and emptiness so many around me feel and try to numb themselves from with food.

Let me preface this review by saying I am not a religious person, and when the book was first brought to my attention, I initially dismissed it, turned off by the title. I didn’t feel that God has anything to do with my relationship with food, and, I was guilty of judging a book by its cover (or in this case, the title). So, if you are inclined to dismiss it for those reasons, don’t. The book is less about God, and more about finding a space within ourselves — a space we often fill with food, rather than exploring to its depths. Some people, when they open themselves up to that space have a name for it in God. Others might define it in broader terms like spirituality. And some might simply feel it as being one with themselves and all around them. The point of the book is to demonstrate how the relationship so many people (or more specifically in this book, women) have with food keeps us from any of those things, and more importantly how to change that relationship.

In part one, Roth addresses the “God” part of the book and how God related to dieting for her in the past. “Dieting was like praying. It was a plaintive cry to whoever was listening: I know I am fat. I know I am ugly. I know I am undisciplined, but see how hard I try. See how violently I restrict myself, deprive myself, punish myself. Sure there must be a reward for those who know how horrible they are.” She talks about how dieting gave her a purpose — perhaps much in the same way religion might for some people, and then she goes on to say “bingeing gave me relief from the relentless attempt to be someone else.”

Roth has written many books (which I am sad to say I have not yet read) on the subject of emotional eating, but a realization she says she has only recently come to is that “the radical part of the tale is not that I stopped dieting; it’s that I stopped trying to fix myself.” This reminded me of a similar realization I came to and wrote about in the article Self Acceptance vs Body Acceptance in which I proclaimed to end the urge to fix myself.

And yet, it is often hard to imagine a world in which we are not constantly trying to fix ourselves, especially our bodies. For one, it’s how women have learned to relate to each other. As Roth points out, “we fit in by hating ourselves.” I’m sure from time to time you come across that person who seems to hold that secret to happiness and balance the rest of us struggle daily to find, and isn’t there just a tad of resentment towards them? Maybe you’re just waiting to see them fall in order to prove they too  are actually imperfect humans like you, which probably explains our obsession with celebrities and the great joy many find in seeing photos of their cellulite and jelly rolls as we go through the check out line with smirks on our faces. It’s almost as if there is something wrong with someone if they don’t hate themselves — or at least some part of themselves. And yet, the ability to see their imperfections and embrace them as part of a greater whole is what makes them happy, and it’s the lack of that ability that keeps others from achieving true happiness.

It’s also hard to let go of the belief that achieving weight loss will be accompanied with the answers to all of our problems. Though on a rational level, we can understand that a number on the scale won’t change the world, “the promise of weight loss is that it will allow [us] to live on a magical piece of earth from which everything else will be manageable … If I fix myself so that I am no longer myself, then everything will be fine. My feelings will be manageable.”

In the chapter entitled “Never Underestimate the Inclination to Bolt” Roth addresses head on why we might avoid overcoming compulsive eating (or dieting). She bluntly states it when she says “compulsive eaters wouldn’t have an obsession with food if we believed that life was tolerable without it … There is madness in obsession, yes, but its value is that it drowns out the madness of life.” This sentiment is followed by the chapter that hooked me on the book: It’s Not About the Weight, but It’s Not Not About the Weight. And that’s when Roth goes on to explain the conundrum of addressing the very real problems that are created by excess weight: diabetes, joint pain, shortness of breath, and for many, a general decrease in the quality of life due to health complications, while all the while trying to unsurface the deeper issues which are being covered up by the weight problems. Here is a very poignant passage from the chapter:

“The bottom line, whether you weight 340 pounds or 150 pounds, is that when you eat when you are not hungry, you are using food as a drug, grappling with boredom, or illness or loss or grief or emptiness or loneliness or rejection. Food is only the middleman, the means to the end. Of altering your emotions. Of making yourself numb. Of creating a secondary problem when the original problem becomes too uncomfortable. Of dying slowly rather than coming to terms with your messy, magnificent and very, very short — even at a hundred years old — life. The means to these ends happens to be food, but it could be alcohol, it could be work, it could be sex, it could be cocaine. Surfing the Internet. Talking on the phone … Weight (too much or too little) is a by product. Weight is what happens when you use food to flatten your life.”

And, if you’re thinking your compulsive eating stems from a simple case of too much love for food, Roth has an answer for that too: “When you like something — love something, you take time with it you want to be present for every second of the rapture … Overeating does not lead to rapture. It leads to burping and farting and being so sick that you can’t think of anything but how full you are. That’s not love; that’s suffering.” How can you love something that makes you sick over and over again? It’s like returning to an abusive partner every time they say they are sorry, and really, they do love you, and really, it won’t happen again. But like so many women who are abused and feel that they somehow deserve the abuse — as if they brought it on themselves, compulsive eaters and dieters continue to punish themselves through their relationship with food because they don’t feel worthy of something better.

Like most other books that address emotional eating, Women Food and God is for those ready to do some serious work and reflection on their lives. Roth challenges the reader to face head on the pain and uncomfortable feelings that drive them to eat when they’re bodies are telling them not to. What she reminds the reader over and over throughout the book is that the very feelings they feel will destroy them are the same feelings that allow us — everyone of us to feel alive. If you are ready to top numbing yourself with food and dieting, start feeling alive, this beautiful written, incredibly powerful book is for you.

Don’t ‘Weight’ For Life to Happen

It’s an all too common excuse. “I’m too fat to …” or “When I can fit into that dress …” or “I just need to lose a little more weight …” before I try rock climbing … before I ask the cute guy down the hall out for a drink … before I run a marathon. But really, what are you waiting for? Sure, having excess weight can make a new exercise program or other physical activity a little harder. And yes, there are superficial men out there who don’t want to date any woman above a size 2. But you also have to ask yourself, if you are putting everything off because of your weight, whether it’s a few extra pounds or you have a lot to lose, what experiences in life are you depriving yourself of? Is your weight stopping you because you really just can’t do what it is you want to do? Or are you hiding behind your weight as an excuse to try something new because, let’s face it, trying new things can be scary — and the potential failure is even scarier.

What if you really can go rock climbing, or that guy really does have his eye on you, but is too shy to ask you out, or you really can run a marathon. What if you can do all those things, but never tried them, and instead spend a lifetime wishing you could do them and only having regrets for not allowing yourself to go for it, with or without the weight. Today is the day to stop letting your weight weigh you down.

Maria’s zest for life comes out almost immediately when you meet her. She’s friendly, talkative and always cheerful, greeting you with a smile. While she doesn’t typically spend her free time outdoors, there is one outdoor activity she truly has recently found a passion for: SCUBA diving. When I think of SCUBA divers, I think of tight bodies fitting into tight wet suits. I myself tried it a few years ago, and was extremely self conscious of donning a body hugging suit and diving with other, more trim divers. I thought I was pushing the envelope with my weight which was — as is now — in the high range of ‘normal’. Maria is beyond the ‘normal’ range and by all medical definitions is overweight. But that didn’t stop her — it never crossed Maria’s mind not to pursue the hobby.

Karen is a fit and active 40-something mother of three. Though her favorite activity is roller blading — a past-time in which she participates at every opportunity, she walks daily either on the treadmill or, on nice days, outside, and until she broke her wrist last year, she enjoyed rock climbing. All this in addition to raising three teenage boys! Like Maria, Karen loves new adventures and never thinks about not doing something because she is overweight. Karen lives by the quote “Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath.”

If you are looking for further inspiration to go for it (whatever ‘it’ may be), just check out the Athena division of any triathlon. A triathlon is something only a relatively small number of people aspire to do. And typically, we don’t imagine someone who falls into the category of overweight, or even obese doing any of the sports by themselves, let alone all together in one grueling event. While the Athena division is for women over 150 pounds, you will often find women over 200 pounds competing right along side everyone else. Contrary to public opinion, being overweight — ok, let’s just say it — FAT does not always mean being out of shape, and it certainly doesn’t mean you shouldn’t enjoy life to the fullest, trying new things regardless of your size.

Book Review: The Body Love Manual — How to Love the Body You Have as You Create the Body You Want

You might find it strange to think that you need a manual on loving your body, but in fact, there is a book written by Elizabeth “Lily” Hills called The Body Love Manual*, and that’s precisely what it sets out to do — teach you to love your body. Right now, go to a mirror, look yourself directly in the eye and say “I love my body.” How does that feel? When one person I know said those words out loud, she said she felt silly. Silly because nothing could be further from the truth for her, as I suspect is the case with most people. I don’t have any statistics on how many people dislike their bodies, but if I were to take a guess, I would probably say that most people range somewhere from a vague dislike to an intense hatred of their bodies. And our eating habits confirm that.

It seems like most of us are either on a diet, trying to create a body that we can feel happy with, or treating our body with complete disregard, filling it beyond capacity with foods that would make our body scream in pain if it could talk. And then, when we can’t stand to look in the mirror anymore, or feel totally out of control around food, we go on a diet. Again. But let’s face it — diets don’t work.

Ninety-five percent of people who go on a diet regain the weight lost, and often more, within five years. But how are we supposed to reconcile those statistics with things like “obesity epidemic” or “1 in 3 Americans are overweight” and “war on obesity”. If diets don’t work, how are we supposed to cure our country of unhealthy eating habits and an inactive lifestyle? Jamie Oliver thinks he has the answer with his Food Revolution. Michelle Obama hopes she has the answers in trying to eradicate childhood obesity by encouraging kids to get off the sofa and get outdoors. In both cases, the focus, ultimately, is about teaching people to live healthier lives — to choose apple slices instead of chips, grilled chicken instead of burgers, bike riding instead of Playstation. But together, both Obama and Oliver are only getting at half the problem — which is what people eat, and without addressing the other half — why people eat, they will never reach the long term success they both genuinely want and hope to achieve.

The concept of intuitive eating is gaining momentum and working towards that goal with the help of books like Intuitive Eating, and Eat What You Love, Love What You Eat will be far more effective than wagging the finger at people in an effort to get them to make better choices. The Body Love Manual takes intuitive eating one step further by guiding readers through a process of identifying what it is that keeps them so disconnected from the bodies, preventing them from listening to and properly nourishing their bodies. Though the subtitle of the book is How to Love the Body You Have as You Create the Body You Want, don’t be mistaken. This is not a diet book in disguise. The Body Love Manual is for anyone ready to put away dieting forever, deciding to become an intuitive eater, and challenging the thoughts and feelings that so far have preventing you from achieving that goal. Integral to this process is learning, as the title suggests, to love your body. As Hills points out, “The human body is tragically under-appreciated, neglected, and abused…The fact is that it is very hard to feel motivated to take care of something you don’t care about. Conversely, when you care deeply for and truly honor your body, you will be far more likely to make the healthier choices for it.”

The Body Love Manual should not be a quick read. It requires reflection and real emotional work. But ask yourself if you identify with this passage from the book:

“As the number I saw on my bathroom scale went up, my sense of self-worth plummeted. During this period of my life, it was rare for me to appreciate and value any of my other qualities … [which] became secondary in comparison to my weight.”

If you feel like you could have written those words yourself, then perhaps it is time to begin the work towards loving your body because “When your thoughts about yourself are respectful and appreciative, you will begin to attract more positive experiences of all kinds into your life.”

Though the Body Love Manual talks about achieving your ideal weight, you might begin to question what your “ideal weight” is and in fact you may find that you are already there, because your “ideal weight” should reflect a healthy lifestyle that is not measured by a number on the scale but by the feelings that come from your mind and body which will tell you when you’ve reached it.

*As required by FCC law, I am disclosing that The Body Love Manual was donated by the author for purposes of this review.

When Weight Loss Is the Ultimate Indicator of Success

If you’ve read some of my more personal posts on VenusVision, or you otherwise know me, you know my body image and food issues go way back. In fact, my first diet was the Beverly Hills Diet at age 7. I don’t remember feeling fat at the time, but for some reason my mom and I went on this diet together (for the record, she wasn’t fat either). The main thing I remember about the diet — which I didn’t realize as such — was that all the nuts and dried fruit were having an “effect” on my digestive system. I was worried about all the trips to the bathroom, but my mom explained that the food was doing its work “cleaning out my system.”

Other early memories include giving my pudding away because I knew it would make me fat, and later on in elementary school, being offered incentives to lose weight (though again, I wasn’t fat, but perhaps on the high end of “normal” and therefore bigger than most of my peers).

The diets increased, though the weight loss never came, and as for so many girls and women it became nothing short of a quest. I was searching for the Holy Grail of weight loss because surely with it would come the label of success which I otherwise felt unable to reach.

I graduated from high school as an honor roll student after pulling my grades out of the gutter. But it didn’t mean anything when I put on my graduation dress and it was tight, revealing my large tummy. (As soon as I took off my graduation gown, I immediately changed out of my dress as well before anyone could see me in it.)

I graduated from college, again with high marks, but still didn’t feel as though I had reached success because I had not lost weight.

I earned a black belt in Karate, but could never stop thinking about how my Ghi pants never got looser during my training.

I ran half marathons, but felt defeated after looking at the race photos and seeing my flabby legs.

I birthed two children but always lamented my flabby middle from which they came.

I completed a triathlon, but worried about how I looked in my wet suit, and cropped the after-race photo before sharing with my friends to avoid showing my legs in my bike shorts.

No matter what great accomplishments I succeeded in, it was always overshadowed by one thing. My failure to lose weight.

Once, actually, I did manage to lose a fair amount of weight, reaching the lowest number on the scale I had ever seen as an adult. When I reached what I thought would be my “goal” weight, I wasn’t happy. That weight did not reveal the body I desired. So still, I felt like a failure.

And of course, any temporary weight loss I ever did manage to achieve was met with what seemed like far more recognition than any other accomplishment. I learned early on to judge others by their weight and assumed accordingly that every person judged me by mine.

So if I was able to do all of these other things, why couldn’t I succeed at the one thing I had been working at my whole life? At least that’s one way of looking at the situation. Of course, another way of looking at it was to ask myself why I defined success almost entirely by a number on a scale or the size clothing I was wearing? And, after living and thinking that way most of my life, how was I going to change that way of thinking?

Well, it’s taken a lot of work, much of which was done with the help of a professional. I have worked on reframing the constant barrage of negative thoughts that used to invade my head 24/7.  In the past, I would take note of every body (not ‘everybody’ but EVERY BODY) that came into my visual range, and compare my body to theirs. Was I thinner or fatter than each person in the room, I would think to myself. Now I still notice everyone in the room, but instead of seeing what might be noted as flaws, I look for their unique characteristics that make them beautiful.

By judging others less on their appearance, and  stopping the constant comparison of myself to them, I was able to begin the work of accepting my body, and end the cycle of constant dieting/deprivation/calorie counting that has made me miserable for so many years. Of course, there were many elements to my progress, many of which are highlighted in the article Celebrate Your Body.

I have come a long way, and most days, I can look in the mirror, noticing all the things about myself I used to see as flaws, and simply see them as they are — parts of me. At the same time, my reflection in the mirror has little do with any of the things I accomplish day to day. All of my successes, both large and small have come about through hard work and dedication, and are — I realize now — completely unrelated to a number on the scale.

Some days, every now and then, the old thoughts come creeping back in, and a voice starts telling me I am fat, but I know now that I need to ignore those voices, not just because they are  negative, but because they are irrelevant. Yet, what I have noticed, is those days crop up when other things are bothering me, and I don’t want to — or don’t know how to — deal with them. Dealing with feelings of self loathing may be pretty terrible, but they are familiar. And like an abusive spouse, you sometimes take comfort in what you know, even if it’s unpleasant.

With new coping tools and more attention to self care, I am now able to concentrate on the deeper issues. The effort it takes to push back at times like this is considerable, but I also know I have come a long way, and the effort is worth it. More importantly, I can finally look at all of the amazing things I have accomplished and take pride in each of them, rather than feeling inadequate

Flattering Plus Size Fashion Tips

With designers and retailers finally realizing the huge market in clothes for women who are not a size 2, the barriers to fashion are coming down for plus-sized women. Still, no matter what size you wear, each woman’s body is different, and knowing your shape and how to dress accordingly is essential for looking your best.

Often the instinct for larger women is to hide their figures. Define your shape and accentuate your assets to flatter the body you have. Start by creating a waist, suggests Racine Peters, Partner and Co-Founder of Budget Fab, LLC. Experiment by “wearing distinct separates, using a belt, or even wearing blazers that create a V-neck at the top and an inversed V-shape at the bottom” like this Old Navy blazer on sale for $27.99. Like to make a statement? Try this wide basket-weave belt for only $11.80 at Lane Bryant.

Look for pieces that create definition on their own. You can never go wrong with wrap shirts and dresses for a flattering look that never goes out style. Layering is another great way to define your waist, like with this Tie-front shrug for $39.50, also from Lane Bryant.

Where your clothes begin and end is an important thing to consider when looking for styles that flatter. When buying a skirt or dress, Donnella Tilery of CEO & Founder of Donnella’s Closet wants to make sure it isn’t too long past your knee or “you’ll look dumpy or frumpy!”This teardrop printed dress from Avenue is a perfect transitional piece from winter to spring or for a more conservative look, try this Nordstrom’s Semantiks Pencil skirt, on sale for $68.00.

Don’t let the term ’skinny’ intimidate you when it comes to pants. Anyone can wear skinny jeans as long as you pull the look together with complimenting pieces. These Calvin Klein “legging” jeans found at Nordstrom.com for $69.50 would look great with a pair of heels to elongate the look of your legs, as suggested by Laura Yoder of 24-7 Style. In the case of skinny jeans, Yoder suggests pairing with a top that just cover the hips.

And no matter what you wear, start with a good bra that fits properly, reminds Rachel Perlmutter, Owner of The Greater LA Woman. You can put on a great outfit, but if “the girls” are looking droopy, it will detract from your overall look. And besides, it’s a great way to feel sexy on the inside if you’re too shy to show it on the outside. Once again, Lane Bryant offers a great selection of adorable bras that will give you the support you need while making you feel sexy like an embroidered balconette bra.

Finally, what you wear on your feet can make or break a look. Heels and pointy-toed shoes elongate your legs and look great with a long pant. Have fun with skirts and dresses by wearing boots. If you have trouble finding boots with shafts that fit your calves, try Silhouettes.com where they carry boots with larger shafts and stretchy fabrics.

A Confession in Numbers

I am 37 years old. I am 5 feet 5 inches tall. I weigh 159 pounds. I wear a size 36 AA bra. My pant size ranges from a 10 to a 12.

These are numbers that so many people don’t share — at least in full honesty. Some lie about their age or are too embarrassed to admit it. Many lie about their weight, and we’d probably be surprised how many people stretch the truth a bit on their height.

I decided I am going to break the taboo and share my numbers here … publicly … for anyone to see. And guess what … I have not been sucked down into a pit of shame for doing so. To me, they are just numbers. There is no value or meaning behind them. They are a numerical representation of particular facts pertaining to me. But I have not always felt this way.

When I was in my teens and early twenties, I always looked much younger than my age. When I was 17, I was offered a children’s menu at a restaurant. When I was 19, people would ask me what grade (in high school) I was in. When I was 25 people would inquire about my major (when I had completed my degree 4 years prior). For the most part, I was annoyed because if people thought I was younger, they also treated me that way, condescending to me, or at least that’s what I thought. But I also felt mature for my age, and was threatened if people undermined that feeling by assuming I was younger (a clear indication I still had some growing up to do). Of course, as I got older, the tables began to turn, and as the number of times I got carded had an inverse relationship with the number of gray hairs I found, I began to fear aging a little more.

My height, though less of an issue was also something I was insecure about. For most of my young adult life, I was 5 feet, 3 and 3/4 inches. Of course, it was natural to round up, but I hated the idea of being short. That probably stemmed from the fact that my short stature was accompanied by a more rounded shape. Which brings me to the next number: my weight.

Until pretty recently in my life, my weight — whether I knew exactly what it was, or shied away from that knowledge in the pursuit of blissful ignorance — had an enormous impact on my mood. If I woke up feeling great, and stepped on the scale only to find an unexpectedly high number, my mood was instantly deflated, and I might stay depressed for days. The opposite also held true, however, and a low number could add a note of joy to my day. The same could be said for the times I went into a dressing room and tried on an item of clothing. If I tried on my usual size and it was too big, I was overjoyed. If the size I picked out was too tight, I was devastated. Never mind that there are so many factors in what goes behind that number on the tag ranging from cost of fabric to clever marketing.

As for my bra size, well, in this breast-obsessed culture, it can be just as hard to accept small breasts as it can to accept a larger stomach (and even more difficult if you have both!). I sometimes felt humiliated going into Victoria’s Secret and not being able to find a single bra that fit my less endowed chest.

But allowing any of these numbers to have a such an impact on our outlook in life can be so hindering, or worse, damaging. Through a lot of work, I have learned to embrace each of these numbers (though oddly enough, I now measure at 5′5″ — perhaps due to a higher self esteem and better posture??) no matter what they are. I do not fear my age, but embrace the wisdom and experience that has come with each year I have passed.

I do not fear the number on the scale. Learning how to see each of these numbers for what they are has been liberating for me, and I have to say has led me to a more peaceful place in life since I know longer devote the majority of my effort resisting them — mostly the one on the scale.

So, what are your numbers?

Talking with Jenni Schaefer, Author & Eating Disorder Activist

I admit it. Jenni Schaefer is one of my personal heroes. It’s not just because she’s battled with and recovered from an eating disorder. It’s not just because she travels around the country, talking about eating disorders and raising awareness on the most deadly of all mental disorders. It’s not just because she’s written and published two books. It’s not just because she is pursuing her dream of becoming a country singer. Perhaps it’s the culmination of all of these things, combined with her candidness and a comfort with herself that comes through in conversation, but each of her qualities are ones that I admire and feel inspired by. Jenni and I spoke for the second time after I finished her second book, Goodbye Ed, Hello Me, and through the course of our discussion, we covered topics both old and new, but each subject we touched on gave me another look at her perspective on herself and the world.

Before we dove into some of the questions I had for Jenni, I decided to be frank with her in regards to my first impression of her. To be honest, I can sometimes be skeptical when I hear someone say “I’ve learned to accept my body as it is” and when I look at them, I see a body which to me, represents our society’s ideal of being thin. Sure, I thought. That’s easy for you to say. You have a body that everyone else accepts too … what’s not to accept? These are the same thoughts I had when Jenni stood up to speak at a Congressional hearing on eating disorders. To me, she was thin, and I was envious of her flat stomach. When I shared these thoughts with Jenni, she was not the least bit surprised (or offended, as I feared) and she said that this subject is one frequently discussed at eating disorder conferences, saying that the “size and shape of a therapist is like the elephant in the room no one is talking about.” Eating disordered patients will definitely scrutinize the body of their therapist and it’s an issue that must be addressed. Jenni also personally related to my feelings as she put it into perspective for me.

“My ideal my body size with my eating disorder was many pounds lighter than I am now … The Jenni that was sick would have looked at Jenni today and say ‘wow you’ve really let yourself go.’ Jenni today looks at me and I actually love my body. My brain is now nourished and I can see I have a healthy body.” She also talked about the height of her eating disorder when she was severely bulimic and actually overweight by most doctors charts. That fact made it more difficult for her to seek the treatment she so desperately needed. She looked healthier compared to when she was anorexic, making it harder for others to understand the depth of her struggles. During this time, she looked at others with eating disorders, and thought she wasn’t thin enough to deserve help and get treatment. When she finally did seek treatment, one of the coping skills she learned early on was to look for similarities instead of looking for differences in other people.

“We will always find differences and use that to seperate us from the rest of the world which is what I used to do, or we can seek similarities and try to look at how we are all the same.” She then added this wonderful pearl of wisdom: “Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes and recovered bodies also come in all shapes and sizes, and where I am recovered at my current body size, someone else might be recovered and actually be thinner than me, or heavier than me.”

If you read my previous interview with Jenni, you know that when I saw her at the hearing, she was wearing a black shirt which said “Recovered.” in white lettering (that wasn’t a typo — there is a period at the end of ‘Recovered’ in order to drive home the statement). This was an issue we discussed last time, but because of a recent blog post by Life Coach Andrea Owen entitled Can We Ever Fully Recover?, I felt the subject had to be explored further.

One of the things I really admire about Jenni is that she is very good about encouraging people to find the approach that best works for them. She asks the question “Does saying you are in recovery from an eating disorder keep you sick or keep you healthy?” For Jenni, always saying she was in recovery kept her sick, but she recognizes that for others, it keeps ED away.

“As long as I said I was in recovery, my eating disorder was waiting around the corner to get me. I really had to claim [recovery] for me and that’s what worked best for me.” She then added, “I am recovered from my eating disorder. I am not recovered from life. I still am constantly getting better at perfectionism. Of course I have a negative voice in my head. What’s different today is that negative voice is not surrounded around weight and food. My personal ED is gone. Does that mean I never have a bad body image experience? Do I never think anything bad about my body? Of course not, I live in America!”

But the negative voice Jenni hears from time to time is one that most of us deal with even without any history of an eating disorder, and Jenni refers to this voice as societal ED. Jenni recalled a chapter in Goodbye Ed, entitled The Worst Pick Up Line Ever, in which she describes an experience at her gym when a guy asks her “Are you here to lose weight too?” Her initial reaction was to ask herself why he would say that? But her therapist quickly reminded her that most women would have a negative reaction to his comment, and it isn’t necessarily the voice of an eating disorder. It was time to stop identifying herself with her eating disorder. When asked if she ever had moments when she questioned if life wouldn’t be better or wouldn’t she be happier at a lower weight, Jenni emphatically says no.

After writing two books about ED and traveling around the country raising awareness about eating disorders, Jenni is ready to focus on something new in her life — balance. While she enjoys talking about eating disorders and recovery, she is spending more time making room to talk about other things. In her own words, “I don’t want to always be defined by an illness I once had. Now that I’m recovered, I can do anything.”

Jenni has a variety of interests that have nothing to do with eating disorders, and those interests are leading her in new directions as she works more on her music (she has recorded two singles so far) and having fun. Being close to nature has become an important part of Jenni’s happiness and helps her feel grounded, so she tries to find activities that she can enjoy outside ranging from hitting the slopes to simply sitting outside reading a book. And speaking of books, she is already in research mode for her next one — and it’s not about ED! As she further explores the world of dating, finding new challenges and new experiences, she is realizing these are also experiences worth sharing. I for one can’t wait to read about them.

Balancing Health AND Pleasure

by Nicole Ohebshalom

Life is full of choices that seem to have only black and white solutions.  Should you take a risk or observe? Does your child need more freedom or control?  Stay quiet or fight back?  Help someone or create a boundary? We are faced with dilemmas throughout the day.  We believe that we must choose one over the other to create a balance in ourselves and in our life, but instead we create tensions that lead to breakdowns.

In ancient tradition teachings, the tensions in life are not only a natural part of life, they are life.  The dynamic opposition is what gives birth to and sustains the changing and evolving creative essentials of our world.  We clearly see this interaction by the T’ai Chi’s swirling black-and-white circle. It shows us that without one part of the pair, the other cannot exist.  Both sides of the picture complete the circle of wholeness.  Without the dynamic interplay between these powerful pairs, there is only stagnation and narrow thinking.   One great lesson I have learned in life is we cannot ignore or chase away the tension of opposites, because its how the universe operates.  Our job is to learn how to flow with life and listen to our inner-pleasure balance compass.

Many of my clients find that when they don’t listen to their body and embrace both sides of the situation they create breakdowns instead of breakthroughs.  When we become out of balance, we feel lopsided, especially in our body.  The body sends us messages to help us get back into balance.  Recently, I had a client craving late night cookie dough ice cream.   I’m sure many have been there — I have!  What was occurring for my client was pressure in receiving a promotion especially in this economy.  The ice cream felt like a big old bear hug, a way she had learned to receive love, relax, and smooth over her feelings.  Now, she takes a bubble bath with a good book, she has fun playful tools at work, and can listen more to what her body wants to eat. I’m so excited for her; she is rocking her new promotion!  And she still eats her ice cream now and then, but with so much more pleasure!

When you learn to honor yourself then you are respecting, appreciating, and giving birth to your best self so you can give creatively and abundantly in ways that honor others.  At its core, using a pleasure balance compass gives us the inner-guidance in receiving and giving during our life challenges.

Ready to gain more understanding of this balance system?  Many of us believe that our duty is to give, give, give, which prevents us from living joyfully and giving fully.  For example, the earth must receive enough nutrients, sunshine, and water before it can produce a beautiful harvest.  Your body and mind need their own nutrition and self-love to support one another, connect with your soul, and create a beautiful life for you.

Finding the balance in life begins with these few questions: Do you love yourself enough to honor your body’s needs? Do you give yourself the nourishment, rest, and activity you deserve?  If you can give all this to yourself, as well as getting out of your mind and into your body then your body will make sure you find your balance.  Your body always has your back! You see this when you trust and learn to receive from her.  If you want to get in touch with your inner potential, you must also care for your body and listen to her wisdom.  Rabbi Nachman said, “Strengthen your body before you strengthen your soul.”

From society we have learned to push ourselves beyond our limits, we are giving on an empty tank when we should be receiving.  Honoring yourselves and connecting to your pleasure balance compass is going to call for adding into your life more playful activities.  It’s about asking yourself what you need, right now, in order for you to regain balance.  A conscious effort is needed to come back into balance by learning more of yourself and asking yourself: What do I need at this moment to create happiness?  Your happiness is your responsibility.

I asked this question to myself early today.  I was writing on the computer and I felt my body slumping and becoming tight.  In response my thoughts became narrow and nothing flowed.  To balance myself out I put the music on, let go of my mind and got into my body and just danced. It was so awesome! I feel free!  After 5 minutes, I was so into my body and happy that I could connect more to myself, the writing slowed smoothly, and my body was relaxed.  For myself, I know moving my body is key and a method to honor myself.  This doesn’t sound difficult, but it takes practice.  The change begins with watching yourself, getting to know yourself, and then translating that knowledge into action that is distinct to your needs.

Ask yourself throughout the day: Do you sacrifice the needs of your body because you are giving so much of yourself?  Do you ignore the warning signs that are trying to get you back into balance?  Do you think of your body as something you love and completely surrender to?

Nicole Ohebshalom is the owner of Radiant Living Wellness which offers programs to address weight and health concerns, increase energy levels, or simply to help clients eat better. A firm believer in the power of balance, Nicole is also a Kundalini Yoga Instructor. To learn more about Nicole and her services, visit Radiant Living Wellness.

Interview With Actress and Screenwriter Joy Nash

Actress and screen writer Joy Nash, 28, is a big woman, or, in her own less euphemistic words, fat. In her film short Fat Rant she proudly announces that she weighs 220 pounds. And she’s ok with that since, she says, fat is just another three letter word. After watching her series of Fat Rant film shorts, I wanted to learn more about Joy, and share her wonderful perspective with VenusVision readers.

In a society that focuses on the two extremes of the constant quest for thinness and the high rate of obesity in our country, Joy rejects both the notion that thinness equals happiness and obesity equals laziness. Growing up, Joy was always the “big girl” among her peers. She recalled with a laugh that her arms were bigger than her friends’ thighs. Joy’s mother did show concern for her larger size and began restricting food “for her own good.” But ultimately Joy recoiled against the restrictions placed on her, took charge of her own eating habits, and in essence announced “I’m the boss of me.” This attitude has served her well in her career as an actress.

Not surprisingly, Joy always knew she wanted to be an actress. She performed in plays beginning in middle school and always got good, supportive feedback. As she got older, she started pursuing solo performances out of frustration that there were not more roles for her. She figured she could sit back and complain about the fact that no one wants to “tell her story” or she could do something about it, and write her own stories. She wrote Fat Rant when she was 21 and in college. At the time her best friend had brain cancer which led to limited physical abilities and ultimately to her premature death. The experience left Joy feeling outraged at the complaints of healthy women who fixated on their “flaws” and allowed their weight and insecurities to limit what they wanted to do — and were perfectly capable of doing — in life. Meanwhile her friend was physically unable to do those same things and yet refused to take ‘no’ for an answer, fighting until the end.

Watching the Fat Rant films certainly gives one the impression that Joy — an apt name I might add — has unwavering self confidence, and I asked her if that was the case. While the films do reflect the way she thinks and feels about herself overall, she reminded me that everyone has good days and bad days. But in general she considers herself “friends” with her body and feels grateful for what it can do, and the fact that she’s in good health. She has never felt like she had to “live up to some type of model standard because I’ve never been anywhere near it.”

Still, being overweight can lead to some emotionally painful moments when others are insensitive or downright rude, particularly when pursuing a career as an actress in LA. When I asked Joy how she handles some of the open criticism about her size that sometimes comes her way, she says she tries to look at the overall situation and realize that ultimately it’s not really about her, but instead it’s about the agenda and narrow mindset of the offending person. “I think it’s really important to not believe the hype … When people are talking shit about you, who are they and why should I believe what you’re telling me. If anyone would say something [negative] to me, then obviously you’re a poison source who I don’t need to be listening to anyway.”

Joy’s self confidence comes in large part from reading fat positive literature and blogs like Fatshionista, where women can find acceptance and encouragement to love the skin they’re in. There is also a section where members also upload photos of themselves in their favorite outfits which has really made a big impact on Joy’s views. “Just seeing people you’re not supposed to see looking beautiful and happy and fashionable, it changes so much. It just takes away the unavailability of everything.” In Fat Rant, she walks through stores like H&M and decries the lack of accessibilty to good fashion for larger woman in stores where the sizes stop at the rarely found 16. (For the record, Joy wears between an 18 and a 22.) But instead of letting it get her down, she has found other stores that believe fashion and larger sizes are compatible. In fact, to supplement her income, she works as a fit model for plus size clothing designers, kind of like a live mannequin, as she says.

At the end of our conversation, I asked Joy if she could create her ideal film role, what would that character be like. That was an easy question because she currently has the star role in the stage production Fat Pig, a story about a “regular guy” falling in love with a fat girl, and the fallout that ensues when his friends can’t handle the new relationship because of her size. If they made that into a movie, Joy said, that would be her ideal role. I have no doubt she’d be fabulous in it.

To see her Fat Rant film shorts, click below:

A Fat Rant

Fat Rant 2: Confessions of the Compulsive

Fat Rant 3: Staircase Wit

Abby Lentz Is Out to Change the Image of Yoga

For most of us, the word ‘yoga’ conjures up image of svelt women in form fitting clothing bending themselves in seemingly impossible ways. Of course, that’s a bit of a stereotype. Nonetheless, we don’t generally associate yoga, and especially yoga instructors, with people who are overweight or obese. Abby Lentz is out to change the image of yoga. An experienced instructor who has been practicing yoga for over 30 years, Abby, who is approaching her 61st birthday weighs upwards of 240 pounds.

Talking to Abby was invigorating and inspiring, and I couldn’t wait to share her experiences and perspectives on life, weight, and exercise with VenusVision readers. When we spoke, I immediately heard the zest for life Abby has. While many overweight and obese women retreat into themselves, hiding their bodies from the world and feeling ashamed about their weight, Abby is a woman who clearly has not let her weight get in the way of living a life full of fun, adventure, and opportunities to learn and grow.

Coming to yoga after the birth of her first child, Abby immediately fell in love with yoga, enjoying the self awareness that came with it, which she believes is the true value of yoga. “People come to the yoga mat thinking about their physical body … but they keep coming because of the sense of well being,” she said. However, yoga can be intimidating to someone who is overweight or obese, when there aren’t a lot of options available when it comes to fitness DVDs. Abby wanted to make yoga accessible to a group of people who would greatly benefit from all it has to offer but don’t have the opportunities for trying it. Going a step further than just a beginners class, Heavyweight Yoga accounts for overweight and obese participants through gentle, encouraging  language, and appropriate poses modified to take into account some of the limitations of someone who is larger.

“Yoga is a wonderful entry point [into exercise] if you’re obese because it can help bring you to a point of having a dedication to your health without risking injury. It gives you that feeling that you’ve started, that you’re making headway. And then when your body tells you it’s ready to do something more aerobic, yoga will be there to help you with that so you will be more mindful in whatever activity you choose and hopefully avoid injury.” Abby provides a safe environment for people to push themselves to the point of what she calls “sweet discomfort.” Abby describes ’sweet discomfort’ as the point to which you work your body to to the edge, and then go just a little bit further.”

Exerting yourself just a little bit more is where you’ll find progress according to Abby. “When you come past your edge, and you gradually move your edge further and further … it helps my students feel like they’re making progress. If you come to your edge every time, you won’t make any progress. You have to be uncomfortable but you don’t want pain.”

Abby points out that “sweet discomfort” is a great message to implement into your real life. “You don’t want to be doing the same thing every day. You have to take a little risk.” Not afraid to apply this philosophy to her own life, Abby has taken on many risks and reaped the benefits of pushing herself to her own point of sweet discomfort. In addition to being a successful yoga instructor with her own DVD and another one coming soon, Abby also considers herself a triathlete and a marathoner, having walked the Dublin City Marathon in 2000.

Up until finishing the Dublin marathon, Abby never thought of herself as an athlete. But after crossing that finish line, it changed her perspective, and she now views herself nothing short of an athlete. Though many might discount her huge accomplishment because she walked the entire marathon, I challenge anyone to walk 26.2 miles in a day, and then tell me how they feel! She finished 7093rd, and while the glass-half-empty outlook would only focus on the fact that 7092 people finished before Abby, she points out that 1.) she finished, 2.) there were more than 100 people who finished after her, and 3.) over 9000 people started the race, meaning that “lots of people didn’t complete the task they came to do.” Abby now proudly identifies herself as a marathoner and feels that the training and completion of the race brought her athleticism to a new level, which has led to her continuing interest in other endurance events. Currently, she is training for her 3rd triathlon, and an upcoming half-marathon.

Since Abby is making her living using her body at an age she points out is when many people are wrapping up their careers, I asked her about her relationship with her body and how that has evolved over time. She shared with me her insecurities about her body that started at the age of 10 when she began to consider herself fat as she was teased relentlessly by an older sibling about her appearance, which, they can now both admit was perfectly normal. But as she points out, body image fluctuates, and learning to feel ok with herself and her body came in large part from teaching yoga and being in front of people, wearing a unitard revealing her full self. “I teach in clothing that allows people to see exactly what I am asking them to do with their bodies. It was always the hardest part for me in the first year.”

When she started teaching, she had already been a student in that same class, so she found herself in a very supportive, familiar environment. But going out into the world made her come face to face with prejudice and stereotypes towards heavier people, as students coming to her class for the first time would assume just about anyone in the classroom was the instructor before imagining that she — the large woman in the unitard at the front of the room, fiddling with the CD player — could possibly be the instructor. When Abby sensed a look of disbelief, reading behind their eyes the question “What could this fat person possibly know?” those were the nights she would really “kick butt” to show them exactly what she has to offer, since, after all she’s been “doing this longer than most of them have been breathing.” And any issues she has with her self and her own body “melt away” when she hears the wonderful, enthusiastic response she receives from so many people who have benefitted from her program.

Wanting to capture the essence of her spirit and share it with my readers, I asked Abby what she would suggest, beyond yoga, to help women become more comfortable with their bodies, and learn to love themselves unconditionally. She emphasized the importance of hobbies, and finding something you love, but encourages women to focus their energy on hobbies that get them moving. It doesn’t have to be running, or biking, or even walking, which she is not particularly fond of. It can be anything, even skipping, as she suggested. Just something that makes you feel good and makes your body move. But she also emphasized the importance of being good to yourself in a variety of ways, like getting a facial, taking or bath, or simply taking time out to do something that you love. And, she added, “let yourself eat!”

In Abby’s yoga instruction, you’ll see more than some difficult poses. She incorporates what she calls the 3 As: awareness, acceptance and affection. She believes that every woman — every person has the right and ability to feel good in their bodies, and she is on a mission to help them get there. “Embrace small changes and the big changes will come,” she said, adding “It’s not how your body looks, it’s how your inner body feels … every day your body is different, and if you can love your body as it is today, that’s a big deal.”

Though completing a marathon and other athletic events mark major milestones in Abby’s life, I was curious as to what else she considered some of her greatest accomplishments. But really it all comes back to yoga, and everything she has gained from it. “It’s a minor miracle that I am on the yoga mat teaching people yoga. It’s unbelievably cool that somebody of my size can be doing this, making a living, that people trust me. It brings tears to my eyes.” She recognizes the power of the relationship between teacher and student. “When you teach anything you are as much a student learning as the people in front of you and I’m really grateful for all the lessons. If I’m not teaching, I’m also not learning.”

Following her dreams and making things happen is something Abby has proven that she’s good at and she reminded me that “there’s more than just one dream, and you can always take your dream and drop it to a level that’s really achievable. And, sometimes just saying “I tried” is something.”

Wrapping up our conversation, Abby shared her favorite poem by Rumi with me:

Thank you Abby, for opening up a world to so many people, and allowing them to come.

To learn more about Abby, visit HeartFeltYoga.com or you can purchase her DVD directly: HeavyWeight Yoga: Yoga for the Body You Have Today.

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