Flattering Plus Size Fashion Tips

With designers and retailers finally realizing the huge market in clothes for women who are not a size 2, the barriers to fashion are coming down for plus-sized women. Still, no matter what size you wear, each woman’s body is different, and knowing your shape and how to dress accordingly is essential for looking your best.

Often the instinct for larger women is to hide their figures. Define your shape and accentuate your assets to flatter the body you have. Start by creating a waist, suggests Racine Peters, Partner and Co-Founder of Budget Fab, LLC. Experiment by “wearing distinct separates, using a belt, or even wearing blazers that create a V-neck at the top and an inversed V-shape at the bottom” like this Old Navy blazer on sale for $27.99. Like to make a statement? Try this wide basket-weave belt for only $11.80 at Lane Bryant.

Look for pieces that create definition on their own. You can never go wrong with wrap shirts and dresses for a flattering look that never goes out style. Layering is another great way to define your waist, like with this Tie-front shrug for $39.50, also from Lane Bryant.

Where your clothes begin and end is an important thing to consider when looking for styles that flatter. When buying a skirt or dress, Donnella Tilery of CEO & Founder of Donnella’s Closet wants to make sure it isn’t too long past your knee or “you’ll look dumpy or frumpy!”This teardrop printed dress from Avenue is a perfect transitional piece from winter to spring or for a more conservative look, try this Nordstrom’s Semantiks Pencil skirt, on sale for $68.00.

Don’t let the term ’skinny’ intimidate you when it comes to pants. Anyone can wear skinny jeans as long as you pull the look together with complimenting pieces. These Calvin Klein “legging” jeans found at Nordstrom.com for $69.50 would look great with a pair of heels to elongate the look of your legs, as suggested by Laura Yoder of 24-7 Style. In the case of skinny jeans, Yoder suggests pairing with a top that just cover the hips.

And no matter what you wear, start with a good bra that fits properly, reminds Rachel Perlmutter, Owner of The Greater LA Woman. You can put on a great outfit, but if “the girls” are looking droopy, it will detract from your overall look. And besides, it’s a great way to feel sexy on the inside if you’re too shy to show it on the outside. Once again, Lane Bryant offers a great selection of adorable bras that will give you the support you need while making you feel sexy like an embroidered balconette bra.

Finally, what you wear on your feet can make or break a look. Heels and pointy-toed shoes elongate your legs and look great with a long pant. Have fun with skirts and dresses by wearing boots. If you have trouble finding boots with shafts that fit your calves, try Silhouettes.com where they carry boots with larger shafts and stretchy fabrics.

A Confession in Numbers

I am 37 years old. I am 5 feet 5 inches tall. I weigh 159 pounds. I wear a size 36 AA bra. My pant size ranges from a 10 to a 12.

These are numbers that so many people don’t share — at least in full honesty. Some lie about their age or are too embarrassed to admit it. Many lie about their weight, and we’d probably be surprised how many people stretch the truth a bit on their height.

I decided I am going to break the taboo and share my numbers here … publicly … for anyone to see. And guess what … I have not been sucked down into a pit of shame for doing so. To me, they are just numbers. There is no value or meaning behind them. They are a numerical representation of particular facts pertaining to me. But I have not always felt this way.

When I was in my teens and early twenties, I always looked much younger than my age. When I was 17, I was offered a children’s menu at a restaurant. When I was 19, people would ask me what grade (in high school) I was in. When I was 25 people would inquire about my major (when I had completed my degree 4 years prior). For the most part, I was annoyed because if people thought I was younger, they also treated me that way, condescending to me, or at least that’s what I thought. But I also felt mature for my age, and was threatened if people undermined that feeling by assuming I was younger (a clear indication I still had some growing up to do). Of course, as I got older, the tables began to turn, and as the number of times I got carded had an inverse relationship with the number of gray hairs I found, I began to fear aging a little more.

My height, though less of an issue was also something I was insecure about. For most of my young adult life, I was 5 feet, 3 and 3/4 inches. Of course, it was natural to round up, but I hated the idea of being short. That probably stemmed from the fact that my short stature was accompanied by a more rounded shape. Which brings me to the next number: my weight.

Until pretty recently in my life, my weight — whether I knew exactly what it was, or shied away from that knowledge in the pursuit of blissful ignorance — had an enormous impact on my mood. If I woke up feeling great, and stepped on the scale only to find an unexpectedly high number, my mood was instantly deflated, and I might stay depressed for days. The opposite also held true, however, and a low number could add a note of joy to my day. The same could be said for the times I went into a dressing room and tried on an item of clothing. If I tried on my usual size and it was too big, I was overjoyed. If the size I picked out was too tight, I was devastated. Never mind that there are so many factors in what goes behind that number on the tag ranging from cost of fabric to clever marketing.

As for my bra size, well, in this breast-obsessed culture, it can be just as hard to accept small breasts as it can to accept a larger stomach (and even more difficult if you have both!). I sometimes felt humiliated going into Victoria’s Secret and not being able to find a single bra that fit my less endowed chest.

But allowing any of these numbers to have a such an impact on our outlook in life can be so hindering, or worse, damaging. Through a lot of work, I have learned to embrace each of these numbers (though oddly enough, I now measure at 5′5″ — perhaps due to a higher self esteem and better posture??) no matter what they are. I do not fear my age, but embrace the wisdom and experience that has come with each year I have passed.

I do not fear the number on the scale. Learning how to see each of these numbers for what they are has been liberating for me, and I have to say has led me to a more peaceful place in life since I know longer devote the majority of my effort resisting them — mostly the one on the scale.

So, what are your numbers?

Talking with Jenni Schaefer, Author & Eating Disorder Activist

I admit it. Jenni Schaefer is one of my personal heroes. It’s not just because she’s battled with and recovered from an eating disorder. It’s not just because she travels around the country, talking about eating disorders and raising awareness on the most deadly of all mental disorders. It’s not just because she’s written and published two books. It’s not just because she is pursuing her dream of becoming a country singer. Perhaps it’s the culmination of all of these things, combined with her candidness and a comfort with herself that comes through in conversation, but each of her qualities are ones that I admire and feel inspired by. Jenni and I spoke for the second time after I finished her second book, Goodbye Ed, Hello Me, and through the course of our discussion, we covered topics both old and new, but each subject we touched on gave me another look at her perspective on herself and the world.

Before we dove into some of the questions I had for Jenni, I decided to be frank with her in regards to my first impression of her. To be honest, I can sometimes be skeptical when I hear someone say “I’ve learned to accept my body as it is” and when I look at them, I see a body which to me, represents our society’s ideal of being thin. Sure, I thought. That’s easy for you to say. You have a body that everyone else accepts too … what’s not to accept? These are the same thoughts I had when Jenni stood up to speak at a Congressional hearing on eating disorders. To me, she was thin, and I was envious of her flat stomach. When I shared these thoughts with Jenni, she was not the least bit surprised (or offended, as I feared) and she said that this subject is one frequently discussed at eating disorder conferences, saying that the “size and shape of a therapist is like the elephant in the room no one is talking about.” Eating disordered patients will definitely scrutinize the body of their therapist and it’s an issue that must be addressed. Jenni also personally related to my feelings as she put it into perspective for me.

“My ideal my body size with my eating disorder was many pounds lighter than I am now … The Jenni that was sick would have looked at Jenni today and say ‘wow you’ve really let yourself go.’ Jenni today looks at me and I actually love my body. My brain is now nourished and I can see I have a healthy body.” She also talked about the height of her eating disorder when she was severely bulimic and actually overweight by most doctors charts. That fact made it more difficult for her to seek the treatment she so desperately needed. She looked healthier compared to when she was anorexic, making it harder for others to understand the depth of her struggles. During this time, she looked at others with eating disorders, and thought she wasn’t thin enough to deserve help and get treatment. When she finally did seek treatment, one of the coping skills she learned early on was to look for similarities instead of looking for differences in other people.

“We will always find differences and use that to seperate us from the rest of the world which is what I used to do, or we can seek similarities and try to look at how we are all the same.” She then added this wonderful pearl of wisdom: “Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes and recovered bodies also come in all shapes and sizes, and where I am recovered at my current body size, someone else might be recovered and actually be thinner than me, or heavier than me.”

If you read my previous interview with Jenni, you know that when I saw her at the hearing, she was wearing a black shirt which said “Recovered.” in white lettering (that wasn’t a typo — there is a period at the end of ‘Recovered’ in order to drive home the statement). This was an issue we discussed last time, but because of a recent blog post by Life Coach Andrea Owen entitled Can We Ever Fully Recover?, I felt the subject had to be explored further.

One of the things I really admire about Jenni is that she is very good about encouraging people to find the approach that best works for them. She asks the question “Does saying you are in recovery from an eating disorder keep you sick or keep you healthy?” For Jenni, always saying she was in recovery kept her sick, but she recognizes that for others, it keeps ED away.

“As long as I said I was in recovery, my eating disorder was waiting around the corner to get me. I really had to claim [recovery] for me and that’s what worked best for me.” She then added, “I am recovered from my eating disorder. I am not recovered from life. I still am constantly getting better at perfectionism. Of course I have a negative voice in my head. What’s different today is that negative voice is not surrounded around weight and food. My personal ED is gone. Does that mean I never have a bad body image experience? Do I never think anything bad about my body? Of course not, I live in America!”

But the negative voice Jenni hears from time to time is one that most of us deal with even without any history of an eating disorder, and Jenni refers to this voice as societal ED. Jenni recalled a chapter in Goodbye Ed, entitled The Worst Pick Up Line Ever, in which she describes an experience at her gym when a guy asks her “Are you here to lose weight too?” Her initial reaction was to ask herself why he would say that? But her therapist quickly reminded her that most women would have a negative reaction to his comment, and it isn’t necessarily the voice of an eating disorder. It was time to stop identifying herself with her eating disorder. When asked if she ever had moments when she questioned if life wouldn’t be better or wouldn’t she be happier at a lower weight, Jenni emphatically says no.

After writing two books about ED and traveling around the country raising awareness about eating disorders, Jenni is ready to focus on something new in her life — balance. While she enjoys talking about eating disorders and recovery, she is spending more time making room to talk about other things. In her own words, “I don’t want to always be defined by an illness I once had. Now that I’m recovered, I can do anything.”

Jenni has a variety of interests that have nothing to do with eating disorders, and those interests are leading her in new directions as she works more on her music (she has recorded two singles so far) and having fun. Being close to nature has become an important part of Jenni’s happiness and helps her feel grounded, so she tries to find activities that she can enjoy outside ranging from hitting the slopes to simply sitting outside reading a book. And speaking of books, she is already in research mode for her next one — and it’s not about ED! As she further explores the world of dating, finding new challenges and new experiences, she is realizing these are also experiences worth sharing. I for one can’t wait to read about them.

Balancing Health AND Pleasure

by Nicole Ohebshalom

Life is full of choices that seem to have only black and white solutions.  Should you take a risk or observe? Does your child need more freedom or control?  Stay quiet or fight back?  Help someone or create a boundary? We are faced with dilemmas throughout the day.  We believe that we must choose one over the other to create a balance in ourselves and in our life, but instead we create tensions that lead to breakdowns.

In ancient tradition teachings, the tensions in life are not only a natural part of life, they are life.  The dynamic opposition is what gives birth to and sustains the changing and evolving creative essentials of our world.  We clearly see this interaction by the T’ai Chi’s swirling black-and-white circle. It shows us that without one part of the pair, the other cannot exist.  Both sides of the picture complete the circle of wholeness.  Without the dynamic interplay between these powerful pairs, there is only stagnation and narrow thinking.   One great lesson I have learned in life is we cannot ignore or chase away the tension of opposites, because its how the universe operates.  Our job is to learn how to flow with life and listen to our inner-pleasure balance compass.

Many of my clients find that when they don’t listen to their body and embrace both sides of the situation they create breakdowns instead of breakthroughs.  When we become out of balance, we feel lopsided, especially in our body.  The body sends us messages to help us get back into balance.  Recently, I had a client craving late night cookie dough ice cream.   I’m sure many have been there — I have!  What was occurring for my client was pressure in receiving a promotion especially in this economy.  The ice cream felt like a big old bear hug, a way she had learned to receive love, relax, and smooth over her feelings.  Now, she takes a bubble bath with a good book, she has fun playful tools at work, and can listen more to what her body wants to eat. I’m so excited for her; she is rocking her new promotion!  And she still eats her ice cream now and then, but with so much more pleasure!

When you learn to honor yourself then you are respecting, appreciating, and giving birth to your best self so you can give creatively and abundantly in ways that honor others.  At its core, using a pleasure balance compass gives us the inner-guidance in receiving and giving during our life challenges.

Ready to gain more understanding of this balance system?  Many of us believe that our duty is to give, give, give, which prevents us from living joyfully and giving fully.  For example, the earth must receive enough nutrients, sunshine, and water before it can produce a beautiful harvest.  Your body and mind need their own nutrition and self-love to support one another, connect with your soul, and create a beautiful life for you.

Finding the balance in life begins with these few questions: Do you love yourself enough to honor your body’s needs? Do you give yourself the nourishment, rest, and activity you deserve?  If you can give all this to yourself, as well as getting out of your mind and into your body then your body will make sure you find your balance.  Your body always has your back! You see this when you trust and learn to receive from her.  If you want to get in touch with your inner potential, you must also care for your body and listen to her wisdom.  Rabbi Nachman said, “Strengthen your body before you strengthen your soul.”

From society we have learned to push ourselves beyond our limits, we are giving on an empty tank when we should be receiving.  Honoring yourselves and connecting to your pleasure balance compass is going to call for adding into your life more playful activities.  It’s about asking yourself what you need, right now, in order for you to regain balance.  A conscious effort is needed to come back into balance by learning more of yourself and asking yourself: What do I need at this moment to create happiness?  Your happiness is your responsibility.

I asked this question to myself early today.  I was writing on the computer and I felt my body slumping and becoming tight.  In response my thoughts became narrow and nothing flowed.  To balance myself out I put the music on, let go of my mind and got into my body and just danced. It was so awesome! I feel free!  After 5 minutes, I was so into my body and happy that I could connect more to myself, the writing slowed smoothly, and my body was relaxed.  For myself, I know moving my body is key and a method to honor myself.  This doesn’t sound difficult, but it takes practice.  The change begins with watching yourself, getting to know yourself, and then translating that knowledge into action that is distinct to your needs.

Ask yourself throughout the day: Do you sacrifice the needs of your body because you are giving so much of yourself?  Do you ignore the warning signs that are trying to get you back into balance?  Do you think of your body as something you love and completely surrender to?

Nicole Ohebshalom is the owner of Radiant Living Wellness which offers programs to address weight and health concerns, increase energy levels, or simply to help clients eat better. A firm believer in the power of balance, Nicole is also a Kundalini Yoga Instructor. To learn more about Nicole and her services, visit Radiant Living Wellness.

Interview With Actress and Screenwriter Joy Nash

Actress and screen writer Joy Nash, 28, is a big woman, or, in her own less euphemistic words, fat. In her film short Fat Rant she proudly announces that she weighs 220 pounds. And she’s ok with that since, she says, fat is just another three letter word. After watching her series of Fat Rant film shorts, I wanted to learn more about Joy, and share her wonderful perspective with VenusVision readers.

In a society that focuses on the two extremes of the constant quest for thinness and the high rate of obesity in our country, Joy rejects both the notion that thinness equals happiness and obesity equals laziness. Growing up, Joy was always the “big girl” among her peers. She recalled with a laugh that her arms were bigger than her friends’ thighs. Joy’s mother did show concern for her larger size and began restricting food “for her own good.” But ultimately Joy recoiled against the restrictions placed on her, took charge of her own eating habits, and in essence announced “I’m the boss of me.” This attitude has served her well in her career as an actress.

Not surprisingly, Joy always knew she wanted to be an actress. She performed in plays beginning in middle school and always got good, supportive feedback. As she got older, she started pursuing solo performances out of frustration that there were not more roles for her. She figured she could sit back and complain about the fact that no one wants to “tell her story” or she could do something about it, and write her own stories. She wrote Fat Rant when she was 21 and in college. At the time her best friend had brain cancer which led to limited physical abilities and ultimately to her premature death. The experience left Joy feeling outraged at the complaints of healthy women who fixated on their “flaws” and allowed their weight and insecurities to limit what they wanted to do — and were perfectly capable of doing — in life. Meanwhile her friend was physically unable to do those same things and yet refused to take ‘no’ for an answer, fighting until the end.

Watching the Fat Rant films certainly gives one the impression that Joy — an apt name I might add — has unwavering self confidence, and I asked her if that was the case. While the films do reflect the way she thinks and feels about herself overall, she reminded me that everyone has good days and bad days. But in general she considers herself “friends” with her body and feels grateful for what it can do, and the fact that she’s in good health. She has never felt like she had to “live up to some type of model standard because I’ve never been anywhere near it.”

Still, being overweight can lead to some emotionally painful moments when others are insensitive or downright rude, particularly when pursuing a career as an actress in LA. When I asked Joy how she handles some of the open criticism about her size that sometimes comes her way, she says she tries to look at the overall situation and realize that ultimately it’s not really about her, but instead it’s about the agenda and narrow mindset of the offending person. “I think it’s really important to not believe the hype … When people are talking shit about you, who are they and why should I believe what you’re telling me. If anyone would say something [negative] to me, then obviously you’re a poison source who I don’t need to be listening to anyway.”

Joy’s self confidence comes in large part from reading fat positive literature and blogs like Fatshionista, where women can find acceptance and encouragement to love the skin they’re in. There is also a section where members also upload photos of themselves in their favorite outfits which has really made a big impact on Joy’s views. “Just seeing people you’re not supposed to see looking beautiful and happy and fashionable, it changes so much. It just takes away the unavailability of everything.” In Fat Rant, she walks through stores like H&M and decries the lack of accessibilty to good fashion for larger woman in stores where the sizes stop at the rarely found 16. (For the record, Joy wears between an 18 and a 22.) But instead of letting it get her down, she has found other stores that believe fashion and larger sizes are compatible. In fact, to supplement her income, she works as a fit model for plus size clothing designers, kind of like a live mannequin, as she says.

At the end of our conversation, I asked Joy if she could create her ideal film role, what would that character be like. That was an easy question because she currently has the star role in the stage production Fat Pig, a story about a “regular guy” falling in love with a fat girl, and the fallout that ensues when his friends can’t handle the new relationship because of her size. If they made that into a movie, Joy said, that would be her ideal role. I have no doubt she’d be fabulous in it.

To see her Fat Rant film shorts, click below:

A Fat Rant

Fat Rant 2: Confessions of the Compulsive

Fat Rant 3: Staircase Wit

Abby Lentz Is Out to Change the Image of Yoga

For most of us, the word ‘yoga’ conjures up image of svelt women in form fitting clothing bending themselves in seemingly impossible ways. Of course, that’s a bit of a stereotype. Nonetheless, we don’t generally associate yoga, and especially yoga instructors, with people who are overweight or obese. Abby Lentz is out to change the image of yoga. An experienced instructor who has been practicing yoga for over 30 years, Abby, who is approaching her 61st birthday weighs upwards of 240 pounds.

Talking to Abby was invigorating and inspiring, and I couldn’t wait to share her experiences and perspectives on life, weight, and exercise with VenusVision readers. When we spoke, I immediately heard the zest for life Abby has. While many overweight and obese women retreat into themselves, hiding their bodies from the world and feeling ashamed about their weight, Abby is a woman who clearly has not let her weight get in the way of living a life full of fun, adventure, and opportunities to learn and grow.

Coming to yoga after the birth of her first child, Abby immediately fell in love with yoga, enjoying the self awareness that came with it, which she believes is the true value of yoga. “People come to the yoga mat thinking about their physical body … but they keep coming because of the sense of well being,” she said. However, yoga can be intimidating to someone who is overweight or obese, when there aren’t a lot of options available when it comes to fitness DVDs. Abby wanted to make yoga accessible to a group of people who would greatly benefit from all it has to offer but don’t have the opportunities for trying it. Going a step further than just a beginners class, Heavyweight Yoga accounts for overweight and obese participants through gentle, encouraging  language, and appropriate poses modified to take into account some of the limitations of someone who is larger.

“Yoga is a wonderful entry point [into exercise] if you’re obese because it can help bring you to a point of having a dedication to your health without risking injury. It gives you that feeling that you’ve started, that you’re making headway. And then when your body tells you it’s ready to do something more aerobic, yoga will be there to help you with that so you will be more mindful in whatever activity you choose and hopefully avoid injury.” Abby provides a safe environment for people to push themselves to the point of what she calls “sweet discomfort.” Abby describes ’sweet discomfort’ as the point to which you work your body to to the edge, and then go just a little bit further.”

Exerting yourself just a little bit more is where you’ll find progress according to Abby. “When you come past your edge, and you gradually move your edge further and further … it helps my students feel like they’re making progress. If you come to your edge every time, you won’t make any progress. You have to be uncomfortable but you don’t want pain.”

Abby points out that “sweet discomfort” is a great message to implement into your real life. “You don’t want to be doing the same thing every day. You have to take a little risk.” Not afraid to apply this philosophy to her own life, Abby has taken on many risks and reaped the benefits of pushing herself to her own point of sweet discomfort. In addition to being a successful yoga instructor with her own DVD and another one coming soon, Abby also considers herself a triathlete and a marathoner, having walked the Dublin City Marathon in 2000.

Up until finishing the Dublin marathon, Abby never thought of herself as an athlete. But after crossing that finish line, it changed her perspective, and she now views herself nothing short of an athlete. Though many might discount her huge accomplishment because she walked the entire marathon, I challenge anyone to walk 26.2 miles in a day, and then tell me how they feel! She finished 7093rd, and while the glass-half-empty outlook would only focus on the fact that 7092 people finished before Abby, she points out that 1.) she finished, 2.) there were more than 100 people who finished after her, and 3.) over 9000 people started the race, meaning that “lots of people didn’t complete the task they came to do.” Abby now proudly identifies herself as a marathoner and feels that the training and completion of the race brought her athleticism to a new level, which has led to her continuing interest in other endurance events. Currently, she is training for her 3rd triathlon, and an upcoming half-marathon.

Since Abby is making her living using her body at an age she points out is when many people are wrapping up their careers, I asked her about her relationship with her body and how that has evolved over time. She shared with me her insecurities about her body that started at the age of 10 when she began to consider herself fat as she was teased relentlessly by an older sibling about her appearance, which, they can now both admit was perfectly normal. But as she points out, body image fluctuates, and learning to feel ok with herself and her body came in large part from teaching yoga and being in front of people, wearing a unitard revealing her full self. “I teach in clothing that allows people to see exactly what I am asking them to do with their bodies. It was always the hardest part for me in the first year.”

When she started teaching, she had already been a student in that same class, so she found herself in a very supportive, familiar environment. But going out into the world made her come face to face with prejudice and stereotypes towards heavier people, as students coming to her class for the first time would assume just about anyone in the classroom was the instructor before imagining that she — the large woman in the unitard at the front of the room, fiddling with the CD player — could possibly be the instructor. When Abby sensed a look of disbelief, reading behind their eyes the question “What could this fat person possibly know?” those were the nights she would really “kick butt” to show them exactly what she has to offer, since, after all she’s been “doing this longer than most of them have been breathing.” And any issues she has with her self and her own body “melt away” when she hears the wonderful, enthusiastic response she receives from so many people who have benefitted from her program.

Wanting to capture the essence of her spirit and share it with my readers, I asked Abby what she would suggest, beyond yoga, to help women become more comfortable with their bodies, and learn to love themselves unconditionally. She emphasized the importance of hobbies, and finding something you love, but encourages women to focus their energy on hobbies that get them moving. It doesn’t have to be running, or biking, or even walking, which she is not particularly fond of. It can be anything, even skipping, as she suggested. Just something that makes you feel good and makes your body move. But she also emphasized the importance of being good to yourself in a variety of ways, like getting a facial, taking or bath, or simply taking time out to do something that you love. And, she added, “let yourself eat!”

In Abby’s yoga instruction, you’ll see more than some difficult poses. She incorporates what she calls the 3 As: awareness, acceptance and affection. She believes that every woman — every person has the right and ability to feel good in their bodies, and she is on a mission to help them get there. “Embrace small changes and the big changes will come,” she said, adding “It’s not how your body looks, it’s how your inner body feels … every day your body is different, and if you can love your body as it is today, that’s a big deal.”

Though completing a marathon and other athletic events mark major milestones in Abby’s life, I was curious as to what else she considered some of her greatest accomplishments. But really it all comes back to yoga, and everything she has gained from it. “It’s a minor miracle that I am on the yoga mat teaching people yoga. It’s unbelievably cool that somebody of my size can be doing this, making a living, that people trust me. It brings tears to my eyes.” She recognizes the power of the relationship between teacher and student. “When you teach anything you are as much a student learning as the people in front of you and I’m really grateful for all the lessons. If I’m not teaching, I’m also not learning.”

Following her dreams and making things happen is something Abby has proven that she’s good at and she reminded me that “there’s more than just one dream, and you can always take your dream and drop it to a level that’s really achievable. And, sometimes just saying “I tried” is something.”

Wrapping up our conversation, Abby shared her favorite poem by Rumi with me:

Thank you Abby, for opening up a world to so many people, and allowing them to come.

To learn more about Abby, visit HeartFeltYoga.com or you can purchase her DVD directly: HeavyWeight Yoga: Yoga for the Body You Have Today.

How to Love the Skin You’re In

by Esther Kane

I know of no other season that causes women so much angst as the summer time- that glorious time of year when it’s hot and muggy out and we’re invited to the beach/pool/lake to enjoy the good weather by donning our bathing suits (which appear to be made smaller by the year) and luxuriating in the sunshine on our beach towels.

I’m sure I’m not alone when I state that nothing makes me nuttier than when I’m expected to wear a bathing suit out in public. I transform from being a mature, worldly, educated, competent woman into an insecure neurotic obsessed being who curls into a ball and cries at the thought of wearing a one-piece- okay, maybe I’d consider a “tankini” (Goddess bless whomever invented those woman-friendly two piece getups). Why does this happen to me and to so many of us?

As a psychotherapist who specializes in helping women with food and body image, I have given this much thought and what I believe it comes down to are the following:

• Media portrayals of stick-thin women as being the only ‘normal’ and acceptable size and shape for women
• The pernicious and yet powerful diet industry that is always trying to convince us that we, too, can be thin if we just have enough willpower
• The “thinness is next to godliness” cult-like phenomenon our society has developed over the last century
• Our worship of physical fitness and health which is defined by over-exercising (often to the point of injury) and eating a pure and wholesome diet (those who transgress are often scorned in public and behind their backs)
• Competition amongst ourselves- how many times have you been praised by other women for losing weight, only to be met with disapproving looks from the same women when you gain it back?

Summer will be more enjoyable if you remember the following…

ESTHER’S TOP FIVE TIPS FOR LOVING THE SKIN YOU’RE IN

• Remember this fact: 98% of women are not built like fashion models and come in a variety of shapes and sizes and the majority of these women are not thin.
• Remember the reason you’re baring skin in the first place- to do fun and relaxing activities that you enjoy like swimming, feeling the sun on your skin, lying around reading a good book, or playing with your kids- you’re not in a fashion show.
• Remind yourself that the people around you are not obsessing about the size or shape of your body; that’s YOUR stuff- they’ve got other more important things to be thinking about.
• If you want younger generations of women to love and accept their bodies, be a role model and show them that you don’t buy into media stereotypes of how women are supposed to look.
• Eat sensibly and exercise regularly but don’t be obsessive about it- you’ll feel better about yourself and your body as a result.

Esther Kane, MSW, Registered Clinical Counsellor, is the author of the book and audio program, “It’s Not About the Food: A  Woman’s Guide To Making Peace with Food and Our Bodies” and “Dump That Chump”, and “What Your Mama Can’t or Won’t Teach You”.  Sign up for her free monthly e-zine, Women’s Community Counsellor, to uplift and inspire women at EstherKane.com.

Celebrate Your Body

Do you love your body? No, I’m not talking about looking in the mirror every day, and saying “Wow!” Not the kind of love that comes from a guy that says “hey, your body is hot!” I am talking about love on a deeper level. I am talking about the kind of love that is based on respect and trust and appreciation. If you’re saying “huh?” then maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your relationship with your body.

It seems to be that younger and younger girls are comparing their bodies to one another, noticing who is fat and who is thin, and as they progress into puberty, who has the biggest, smallest, or perkiest breasts. Just the other day, a friend was telling me that she heard a bunch of first-grade girls talking about whose mother was the thinnest and whose was the fattest. It only gets worse as they get older. As physical appearance becomes more and more of the focus of girls and adolescents, they examine, admire or criticize every feature on their own bodies and those of every girl around them. And thus they learn — through a variety of influences — to begin to judge their bodies based on what they see around them. To some extent this process is natural, particularly in adolescence.  But when we assign values to these differences, rather than just recognizing them for exactly that — differences — then it can create a poor self-body image that can last a lifetime.

Your relationship with your body may not be something you have put a lot of thought into. After all, doesn’t everyone want to change their body? It seems normal to be unhappy in the skin you are in. Do you know any woman who isn’t one of the following: on a diet, a work-out fiend, or feeling like she should be on a diet or a work-out fiend? This diet mentality our culture has created leaves us with virtually no choice but to hate our bodies and think that happiness comes in a size 2.

Someone close to me recently said, “I hear that women are A LOT more comfortable in their own skin in their 40s.  So that’s one reason I’m looking forward to my 40s.” But I believe it is possible to break free from the cycle of self loathing based on what you see in the mirror and be comfortable in your own skin NOW. It does takes work, and the motivation to want to make peace with your body, at any size, but ultimately the ability to love yourself unconditionally — and the contentment that comes with that — is worth the effort.

An important component to accepting yourself is to stop judging others by their physical attributes. When you are walking through the mall, do you notice the appearance of every woman around you? In your head do you hear things like “That woman has such thin legs.” “She has the perfect butt.” “Her stomach is so flat.” “Those breasts are so perky and round.” “She has goddess hair!”

It may seem innocent enough to make those quiet observations, but following each one, are probably thoughts like “I wish my legs were that thin.” ” I wish my butt looked that good.” “I’d be so much more attractive if my stomach were flat.” “I’d probably get a lot more attention if my breasts looked that good.” “I’ll never have hair as beautiful as hers.”

Each time you make an observation about someone else’s appearance, you might use it to degrade yourself and chip away at your own self image. You are admiring in them what you wish you had in yourself, probably because you believe you ultimately would be a happier, more fulfilled person if you looked like someone else. Conversely, if you find yourself criticizing an equal number of women for their flaws, “oh my god, look at that muffin-top”, or “wow, at least I’m not that big”, you are still judging in them what you most dislike or fear in yourself. Maybe you don’t look like them now, but you are worried that you could or will look like them some day (or maybe you did in the past), and that would make you less valuable as a person in your eyes.

To break the habit of judging other women, find something about them to admire that doesn’t have to do with their physical attributes. If it’s someone you know, you can reflect on what a good mother they are, or a talent they have for sewing, or some other craft. Maybe she has a great pair of earrings you admire. Find something positive to reflect on because the more you hear a postive voice in your head, the more you will be able to reflect positively on yourself.

And speaking of yourself, it’s time to tackle those thoughts you have when you look in the mirror. Or maybe you avoid looking in the mirror at all. But if you don’t find love for yourself, and if can’t find a way to face what you see in the mirror now, you will never have a body you can feel proud of and find the happiness you deserve. You may wonder how you can love your body, and you might even be fearful that loving your body at its current size will lead you into complacency, encouraging you to live out your life as a couch potato with no motivation to be healthy. But I would argue that part of loving your body is to strive to be healthy.

Last year, while attending a congressional hearing on eating disorders and health insurance issues pertaining to mental health, I asked the panel, “How do you balance the concept of loving and accepting your body with addressing the obesity epidemic our country faces?” The response I was given supports the idea that when you truly love your body, you naturally want to do right by it, and the decisions you make in your day-to-day life will lead you to better health. Remember, loving your body doesn’t have to mean you don’t want to change it for the better. But it does mean listening to it and treating it with respect.

When you really do respect your body — with all of its imperfections — you will be more in tune to what your body needs, and how it feels. Then suddenly, when you eat a whole pint of ice cream, instead of feeling guilty about the number of calories and fat you consumed, you are more aware simply of how it makes your body feel, and you may just realize that physically you feel pretty terrible. Just like it only takes a couple of times for you to realize how much alchohol it takes to put you past the point of comfort, it may just be that after a couple of times of listening to your body during and after a binge, you realize how awful it feels. In the past, you probably were so consumed with guilt and worry after binging, you were numb to the signals your body was sending you saying “Hey! I’ve had enough, this doeesn’t feel very good.” But by forming a better relationship with your body, you can learn to honor it. To take a line from the book Intuitive Eating, “respecting your body means taking care of your health.” They go on to add, “You don’t have to like every part of your body to respect it. In fact, you don’t have to immediately accept where your body is now to respect. Respecting your body means treating with dignity, and meeting its basic needs.”

In the same way that you can stop judging others, you can stop judging yourself. When you hear negative thoughts about yourself in your head, step in and replace them with positive thoughts. If you can, start by focusing on one body part that you do actually like. Maybe it’s your hair, maybe it’s your lips, maybe it’s your feet. It doesn’t really matter what body part it is, as long as it is one that makes you feel good when you reflect on. For some people though, even this step is difficult. Maybe there is nothing about your physical appearance that you can appreciate right now. If that’s the case, you can reflect on the functionality of certain body parts, without which you would no doubt feel lacking. If you don’t like how your legs look, reflect on their strength and how they carry you where you want to go. If you feel negatively about your arms, think of how they carry, hold, and comfort your children or other loved ones. If you hate your stomach, think about the magnifcance of the machinery inside, digesting your food and nourishing your body, because really, no matter what your body looks like, it IS a magificent piece of machinery. Not only do our bodies carry us through life, they make life!

Finding a physical activity you enjoy can you help you appreciate your body and all it can for for you. It doesn’t have to be the strenuous high-impact aerobics class you might think you need to do to burn a ton of calories. It can be something as simple as gardening, or taking walks, or riding your bike, not for the sake of repenting your eating “sins” from the night before, but for the pleasure of moving. Feel your muscles as they work for you, lifting you, propelling you forward, carrying your body through your activity. Appreciate the motions that move you.

Often times, when we feel unattractive, it’s as if we set out to prove a point by giving up on our appearance. We wear clothes that aren’t flattering and/or don’t fit. We don’t bother doing much, if anything with our hair. And make-up? Forget it! But it’s amazing how making a few changes in your clothes, hair and make-up can go a long way to transforming you and making you feel better and more attractive, without ever shedding a pound. Have you ever seen the show What Not to Wear on The Learning Channel? Time and time again they feature women with no self confidence, and a poor body image. Sure, some women are simply misguided in their fashion sense, but the vast majority of participants on the show are women that have basically just given up on the idea that they can ever look good. But if you look through their before and after galleries, you can see what an amazing difference a few changes can make. Of course, you don’t have to go on the show to find out how to dress for your shape and size. They offer some great hard-to-fit tips on their web site.

I realize not every one can go out and buy a whole new wardrobe. Still, you can re-evaluate what you do have in your closet, figure out what looks best on you, and let go of the things don’t and may never fit, especially your “goal” clothes. You know what I am talking about … clothes you are convinced will motivate you to lose weight, by looking back at you every day and telling you that you are worthless until you fit into them. At the very least, get rid of the clothes that make you feel feel like you are going to pop every time you wear them. Who needs a constant reminder that you are too big for you clothes? If you think it will serve as a reminder to control your eating, ask yourself “Has it worked so far?”. Probably not.

If it is in your budget to buy some new clothes, then do it. Stop telling yourself you don’t deserve new, attractive clothes until you lose weight. You deserve to look and feel good all the time, so stop punishing yourself. If you’ve been dying to get a new pair of jeans, get them now! And don’t get your heart set on a certain style that quite honestly might not work with your body shape. Instead find fits that are flattering on your body … the one you have now. And no excuses about how they don’t make cute, attractive clothes in your size. There is good fashion for every shape and size, it’s just sometimes a little harder to find (and a good tailor doesn’t hurt). All the major retail chains have offer a great selection of plus sizes, and Lane Bryant makes plus size fashions that can make anyone feel beautiful.

Good fitting undergarments can go a long way to boosting your self confidence too. You may be asking, “What does underwear have to do with anything, when nobody sees it?”. First of all, no one may see the bra you’re wearing, but they sure as heck can tell if it fits you properly. If you’re bulging out of your bra, or your breasts are literally weighing you down, it’s not just uncomfortable to you, it noticeable to everyone else. A good fitting bra can help your posture, and leave you feeling more comfortable in general. (For more on bras, read Taking Care of the “Girls”.) Plus, you might just get a surprising boost to your self confidence when you don a little sexy lingerie. And don’t let your size stop you from feeling sexy. There’s plenty of lingerie out there for all sizes, big and small.

Finally, if you really do need to lose weight, you need to take another look at your goals. First of all, are you trying to lose weight because there are health concerns, and it’s effecting your quality of life because every day things are much harder to do? If that’s the case, then avoid focusing on numbers, and instead try to pay attention to how your body feels as you learn to listen to it more. Instead of measuring your changes by numbers on the scale or a size on a tag, base your goals on measurements of what your body can do. Maybe going up the stairs takes your breath away, so when you can go up the stairs without becoming breathless, that’s something to celebrate! When you can play with your kids longer, chasing them around because your body feels better, that’s something to feel good about. (For more on finding other measures of success, read Do Numbers Rule Your Life?)

Maybe, in reality, your body is already at a healthy weight but because you don’t believe it meets the societal idea for thinness, you are unhappy with your body and want to lose more weight. Check in with yourself, dig dip, and try to determine why you really want to lose weight. What in your life will change when you are ten pounds lighter? Will you be happier? Maybe … temporarily, but sooner or later, you will realize that happiness doesn’t come in a size 2. Happiness comes from within. And until you love and respect your body, happiness will always be the next size down.

If you have a daughter, imagine knowing that she feels about her body, the same way you feel about yours. No matter what her size, wouldn’t you want her … wouldn’t you encourage her to feel good about herself. Wouldn’t you want your own daughter to realize her self-worth was based on more than her size, and wouldn’t you always encourage her to find ways to feel good about herself that don’t involve comparing her body to every other girl? If the thought of your own daughter beating herself up contstantly breaks your heart, then you need to imagine your inner self as a child whom has become the recipient of your contsant abuse through negative thoughts, and it’s time to stop the abuse. You love your friends, your family, your spouse or partner, your children, unconditionally, overlooking, and even embracing their imperfections. It’s time to treat your own body with the same love and respect.

I Love My New Body!

You may be wondering if I’ve tried a new diet. Perhaps you think I’ve been hitting the gym extra hard. And if you really don’t know me, maybe you’re wondering if I got some plastic surgery. The truth is about as far from any of those as you can imagine. As a matter of fact, I’ve gained weight recently. My belly, never flat to begin with, protrudes further from my body than ever (except during the two times I was pregnant). My thighs jiggle a little more, as the florets of cauliflower-like cellulite define them. My upper arms wiggle just a little more. My butt — well, it’s just bigger. Many of my clothes, including my favorite pair of jeans, don’t fit. By all medical standards, with my recent weight gain, I am now well in the range of being overweight. (Though I stopped weighing myself a while back, I have definitely gained significant weight since the last time I did weigh myself, at which point I was already at the top end of a “normal” weight for someone of my height.)

So, you may be asking, have I gone mad? What is there to love about flab? Cellulite? Loose, jiggly flesh? Well, it’s part of me. That’s what’s to love about it. I have spent years trying hard to achieve a body I have never had, but thought I was supposed to. Nearly my whole life in fact. I have tried all the standard tricks, and some not-so-standard tricks to try and mold my body into the shape most of us consider to be ideal. But I hated the deprivation of dieting, and therefore only rarely even came close to reaching what is considered to be my “ideal” weight. Even when I did reach what was close to my “ideal” I was not happy with my body and surprised at how much more I thought I had to lose in order to reach that ideal. My disordered eating habits ranged from my on-again, off-again relationships with Weight Watchers, to starvation and purging. I do love to exercise, but felt consumed by the numbers game, and the feeling that I could never get ahead. My whole life, despite all my efforts to change my body, a tiny but strong part of my inner being refused to give in and allow me to succeed in this game so many of us play, and as a result I spent years feeling disgruntled about my body at best, and hating it — feeling utterly disgusted by it — at worst.

It never mattered that my husband has loved me AND my body unconditionally throughout our entire 16 year-relationship. Even after gaining 50 pounds during my first pregnancy, he couldn’t keep his hands off me. It has never mattered that my body was strong enough to carry and nourish two children in my womb and by my breast. Even my good health wasn’t enough to convince me that I had a body worth being proud of. After completing my first triathlon, I couldn’t stop worrying about how I looked in my wet suit, and I was hesitant to share pictures of myself in my bike shorts.

Even as I was telling others to love and accept their bodies — statements I made with full conviction — I could not accept and love my own. And then, after many forces converged at once, I began my own journey towards self acceptance. Instead of trying to change my body, I decided to change how I feel about my body. My first source of inspiration was the women in my life. So many women judge themselves entirely by their bodies. Nevermind that my friends are successful, beautiful women. Because their bodies don’t meet an arbitrary societal ideal of beautiful, they cannot feel good about themselves. And yet, every time I look at them, I see nothing but pure beauty on the inside and out, and it breaks my heart to know they can’t see it, and find something to admire about themselves. But how was I going to convince them of what I could see in them, if I couldn’t see it in myself. I was doing myself AND the women in my life a great disservice by refusing to love my body. That had to change.

My second source of inspiration was Jenni Schaefer, author of Life Without Ed. As a recovered anorexic, no one understands what it’s like to hate your body more than Jenni does. Talking to her inspired me to find the same kind of self acceptance that allowed her to overcome her eating disorder and live a normal life with a healthy relationship towards food and her body — something I fully believed I was incapable of myself. During the course of our interview, she mentioned a book called Intuitive Eating.

Unconvinced that I would ever be able to let go of my food and body obsessions, I doubted Intuitive Eating would have any more of a lasting effect than the honeymoon phase of a new diet or exercise routine would have. Desperate for anything, however, I figured I had nothing to lose by reading the book, and of course, I thought it would provide good material for VenusVision. As I read it though, I immediately recognized myself in the types of eaters/dieters they identify in the book. It’s been a long time since I identified myself as someone “on a diet”. Instead I insisted that I was focused on good health and making good choices. But really, as the book revealed to me, it was just my own trickery to avoid telling myself I really was on a diet.

After reading the first few chapters, I decided I was going to fully commit myself to becoming an intuitive eater, and this book became the third force in my life guiding me down the path of self acceptance. I wasn’t looking for a quick fix. I was looking for normalcy and became dedicated to achieving it. But a huge part of forming a healthy relationship with food is also having one with your body. While reading Intuitive Eating, it became clear that you cannot pick and choose which elements of the philosophy you will follow and which ones you won’t. It’s all or nothing, and finding ways to love and appreciate your body is a big component of the work — and yes, it is work.

So I set about trying to determine what it was that made me feel so negatively about my body and then reject those arguments. The first thing I did was stop comparing myself to others, in any respect. The beauty of the human race is that we are each so dramatically different. The variety in our species is endless. So why limit myself to trying to be something I never have been and was not genetically programmed to be. I don’t try every day to force my feet into a smaller size shoe thinking that will make me more attractive. So why do the same thing for my body?

The second thing I did was really evaluate why being thin had become so important to me. Ultimately, what would it accomplish? Sure, it might have led to short-term happiness based on reaching a superficial ideal, but how much would I have had to give up in the process?  Would my husband love me more for it? Would my children respect me for it? Would I be more successful if I whipped myself into a disciplined frenzy of limited eating and excessive exercise? Maybe if I was aspiring to be a model or actress, but I’m not. So I let go of the ideal.

Instead, my ideal is truly optimal health and I no longer deceive myself that thinness is an indicator of optimal health. In fact, I have pretty much already reached a level of optimal health. My cholesterol levels are good, my blood pressure is low, and my cardio vascular fitness generally ranges from good to excellent. I am strong, I work out regularly, and I eat a healthy balanced diet. And even better, as a result of my shift, I never feel deprived. Yes, I eat whatever I want but that isn’t the same thing as eating poorly. I am learning to listen more to my body, and by giving myself permission to eat anything I want (one of the principles of Intuitive Eating) the lure of many foods hasdissipated . While I mostly eat foods with high nutritional values, I also have my fair share of food with no redeeming nutritional value. But I mostly eat them only when I really want them, and generally I crave the foods that make my body feel its best. I have found that as my relationship with my body has improved, I am more aware of which foods make me feel good physically and which ones make me feel lousy, and just like after a night of heavy drinking that leads to a hangover and the profession that you won’t do ‘that’ again, when I eat food that makes me feel rotten, I don’t want to repeat the experience.

My attitude towards exercise has also changed, and I no longer feel an obligation to work out, burning X number of calories each week. That’s not to say that I’ve stopped exercising. In fact, I have a renewed love for exercise. But much like my attitude towards eating, I stick mostly to activities I genuinely enjoy, and I have learned to focus on how physical activity makes me feel both during and after exercise. While I am working out, I work on reaching what Abby Lentz of Heavyweight Yoga refers to as the point of ’sweet discomfort’, where I am making progress in my fitness, but not at the expense of my physical health by pushing too far or not enough. At times, when my alarm goes off at 5:00 am to get to an early morning class at the gym, I may have a moment where I resist getting up. But like the lure of a drug, I get fixated on achieving that euphoric feeling that comes from a good work out and within a minute or two, I am up and getting ready. The flip side of that is, however, that if I don’t go, instead choosing to sleep in, I don’t let guilt overcome me. I allow that my body needed more rest that day and I was listening to my body by getting more rest rather than pushing my body beyond what is best for it.

Last year, I had the opportunity to attend a congressional hearing on eating disorders featuring a panel of experts on the subject. At one point, I asked the panel how we as a society are supposed to reconcile the growing obesity epidemic and all of the health issues associated with it with the obvious need to love our bodies. The response I got was that when you love your body … truly love it, you want to treat it well. That means not filling it full of junk food and sitting on the sofa all day because really, that says you don’t give a crap about your body and how it feels. But it also doesn’t mean starving it which in the end isn’t really any better. My path to self acceptance is ongoing.  But in sharing my experience with you, I really hope that it can help you figure out what you need to do find peace with your body and take steps to show your love to the most important thing you have.

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