Before becoming a mother, I was filled with ideas and ideals of how to be a good mother. While rationally, I might have accepted the idea that there is no such thing as the perfect mother, I never really internalized that idea. Which, when I think about it is kind of ironic, since the last thing I would ever call myself in regards to anything is a perfectionist. In fact, if Type A= Perfectionist, surely I must be a Type Z. Nevertheless, filled with knowledge, I went into this new adventure with the belief that I could provide an ideal environment for my children that fostered all of the best qualities I wished to instill in them.

Well, that all pretty much went out the window from the time my labor started and our sacred birth plan was quickly abandoned due to a series of complications — a phrase that could perhaps describe not just the birth of my children, but really motherhood in general. One by one (or sometimes in droves), every ideal I had in regards to parenting and motherhood was quickly refactored into something that made my new experience little more than survivable.

Each time I compromised on my ideals, I felt a little pang, and wondered how another step down in my near-perfect standards would impact my children. I was convinced I was ruining them every time I put on the TV, fed them McDonald’s, lost my patience and screamed at them, left them crying in their room, or chatted with another mom at the playground instead of intently watching every move my child made, lest she injure herself, because, after all, an injury can happen in the blink of an eye (Thank You National SAFE KIDS Campaign for instilling a sense of uberparanoia in me).

And then, one day, a few years ago, I looked at my kids — I mean, really looked at them, reflected on them, observed them. And I realized, actually, they’re pretty terrific kids. They’re smart. They’re kind. They’re creative. They’re well mannered and well behaved (for the most part!). They’re curious, they’re fun, they’re affectionate. They, in short, are all the things I wanted them to be and thought I had to be the perfect mom in order to achieve. But somehow they turned out that way in spite of my less than perfect parenting. And it started to sink in — I AM a good mom, there really is no such thing as ‘perfect’, and that’s a good thing. Because perfect is boring.  My kids, my life, is anything but. And I wouldn’t have it any other way because my life is perfectly imperfect.

After nearly three years of work, my novel, Confessions of a Failed Anorexic is finally available! Here is the description as it reads on Amazon:

Sarah Thompson went on her first diet when she was seven years old, and has been on a dieting roller coaster ever since. Longing for what she doesn’t have, the unfulfilled stay-at-home mom goes on a journey of self discovery tainted by the pursuit of a perfect body. An unlikely friendship with fun-loving and thin-obsessed Stacy Vargus leads Sarah down a path she believes will bring her closer to a world she has spent a lifetime chasing, only to realize it doesn’t exist. An unexpected reunion with an old friend unleashes a passion for life Sarah had long forgotten, giving her a new lens through which to view her world.

This debut novel by Michelle Cantrell offers an entertaining twist on keeping up with the Joneses while revealing the dangers of losing oneself to the superficial status symbols of suburban life.

Sharing this with the VenusVision community, I am aware that some readers may be fighting an eating disorder. For that reason, I would like to share what I wrote about the title in my novel.

Being involved in the Eating Disorder Community, I’m sensitive to the emotions Confessions of a Failed Anorexic might elicit in some. The reason I chose the title is that for much of my life, that’s how I felt. Years of disordered eating skewed my thinking to the point that I believed an eating disorder would bring me happiness in the form of a thin body. I was naive in thinking that if I could somehow become anorexic, I could control the eating disorder. Though I never did become anorexic, I periodically practiced starvation and purging, and was eventually diagnosed with an Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS). I finally sought help when thoughts of food and hatred towards my body, combined with destructive behaviors dominated every moment of my life.

Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes and as many as 10 million females in the United States suffer from an eating disorder. Despite the fact that eating disorders have the highest mortality of any mental disorder, the majority of people with severe eating disorders do not receive adequate care. (National Eating Disorders Association, 2008)

It is my hope that this novel will demonstrate how the destructive nature of disordered eating can easily cross over into an eating disorder, and bring life and death complications with it. After recovering from my own eating disorder, I began discovering all life has to offer when one isn’t entirely devoted to achieving an arbitrary ideal of beauty and thinness. I hope that others can find the same hope and begin to aim for more in life than a number on the scale.

At this time, the novel is only available on the Kindle. If you don’t have a Kindle, there are still many devices for which a free Kindle reader application is available, such as PCs, Macs, iPads, iPhones, Droids and Blackberrys. To download a free app, go to Amazon.

I am hoping in the future there will be a print edition. Until then, I hope you will share my novel with anyone who has ever struggled with body image and their relationship with food.

Note: This book contains content that may be triggering for some who are suffering from or in recovery from an eating disorder.

Confessions of a Failed Anorexic

It was at that moment I had a flashback to an incident between me and husband when we were still dating. It had been one of “those” days and the icing on the cake was after a long day at a new job when I went to my car and discovered a parking ticket. I lost it. I cried the whole hour-long drive home. When I got there, I called my husband-then-boyfriend, still sobbing. I told him about the ticket, to which he responded: “It’s just a parking ticket.” The rage that filled within me at those words was more than I can describe, and the response I gave him before hanging up on him cannot be repeated, though let’s just say it included a word that begins with ‘F’.

After I hung up on him, he got in his car and drove over to try again to be supportive, understanding his mistake but also explaining his intentions.  He was trying to give me perspective by saying “it’s just a ticket” — reminding me that ultimately it wasn’t such a big deal. But I didn’t want perspective. I wanted him to empathize with my pain and frustration. Sure, in and of itself a parking ticket wasn’t a big deal, but for me it was the proverbial straw, and the emotional pain was as intense as if something much grander had happened.

Is this all beginning to sound a bit familiar in the context of your children? Your child stubs his toe, and his reaction is akin to his entire foot being sawed off. Or your daughter spills something on her favorite dress, and the world is about to end. As parents, we may feel like rolling our eyes and saying something like “get over it” or “it’s not a big deal”. But what we aren’t realizing is it IS a big deal to them, and by offering platitudes, we are teaching them that we don’t value their perspective on their own experiences.

“Being heard and seen is so important to our children. To be totally ourselves and fully expressed without the risk of judgment. That is one of the greatest gifts parents give to their children.” Susan Howson, a Family and Relationships Coach, and creator of Magnificent Creations. Howson went on to say, “In life, we encounter difficult situations and feelings. Being in touch with those feelings and experiencing these emotions fully, even when it feels unusual and uncomfortable to the child, is essential for a child to experience where they are at that moment. The expression and awareness of all feelings is important.”

Of course, this doesn’t mean we have to over-react ourselves to every injury or injustice our kids experience. It is important to gauge their reaction and respond accordingly. There is also a time and place for teaching more appropriate responses. Annie Zirkel , a Parenting Consultant points out that “We want resilient kids who don’t maximize pain because this strategy has been shown to increase pain.” But there is a balance to teaching kids to manage their feelings in relation to painful events, and Zirkel adds “We also want kids who do not disconnect from their genuine experiences.”

Still, sometimes it might feel as though we’re being manipulated, and it is hard to show sympathy. But Ray Fisher, a Psychotherapist at the Council for Relationships notes that “Whether the child is crying for attention or is seriously injured the child is looking for something from the parent and if the parent doesn’t attend to their child’s needs the child will either escalate their behavior or disengage from the parent. Parents should know that if either of these events occurs children learn valuable lessons about who they can count on when they need help.”  A family therapist I used to see shared similar sentiments, reminding me that one day they won’t turn to me for comfort, instead seeking it outside the home, so why not encourage them to seek comfort from us for as long as possible.

Adding to Fisher’s sentiment, Dr. Mark Sharp, a Clinical Psychologist with the Aiki Relationship Institute said, “The “buck up” mentality can do a couple of things: teach kids that their feelings are “wrong” or inaccurate and encourage them to not pay adequate attention to them, or lead some children to becoming even more dramatic in their expressions of emotion because they don’t feel like they are being heard or taken seriously.”

This might also be a good opportunity for the parent to examine her own upbringing. Understanding your reactions to a situation can enable you to better guide your child through life’s hurdles. Bette Alkazian, a Family Therapist and Parent Coach works with parents “to examine their own values and past experiences before evaluating what their child’s reaction “should” be. For example, some parents were raised with the “buck up” attitude … may cause them to have less patience than perhaps they should have for the child in a given situation. The best way to get away from old attitudes is to imagine how much the parent might have wanted to express as a child him/herself, and wasn’t allowed.” When I reflect on this in terms of my own childhood, I recall being one who never revealed any feelings. This approach wasn’t necessarily guided by my parents, but I was a very independent child and refused to rely on anyone else for comfort. Without anyone telling me to, I took the “buck up” attitude. I have had to work hard to step away from this mentality in my own parenting.

Besides, as Dr. Laura Markham of AhaParenting.com reminded me, research shows that pain is subjective. “Emotions such as fear or embarrassment always exacerbate pain. Maybe that stubbed toe didn’t seem to warrant so much fuss, but only your child knows what the pain is like for her. Kids don’t have as much ability as adults do to manage and compartmentalize their feelings, so their tears and upset may express both the emotional and the physical pain they feel in a given situation. In other words, being knocked down and struck out at home plate may seem a mild injury to us, but our child may not be able to stop crying because the tears relieve emotional disappointment and shame as well as the physical pain.” And this goes back to my parking ticket. The emotions surrounding the situation — which included the larger picture of feeling stress about new financial responsibilities, a new career, and juggling a relationship — intensified the emotional pain I was feeling. Reflecting on that moment that happened so many years ago really gave me insight on the emotions behind my childrens’ behaviors, and next time I won’t roll my eyes when they stub their toe, but instead offer hugs and kisses, and any other comfort they need.

Whether you work full time, or stay at home full time, it goes without saying (but I’ll say it anyway) that being a mom has its challenges. The balancing act that is required of us, no matter what our situation is, takes the skill of an acrobat, the patience of Buddha, and the energy of the Tasmanian devil. As someone who has never really gotten the balancing act down, I particularly struggle with the responsibilities of motherhood, homemaking, and trying to earn a living. But during the school year, I knew I could always count on at least a few hours a day to devote to work. Now that school is out, what little balance I managed to create during the previous nine months has gone completely out the window.

I needed to enlist the help of some more experienced working moms, and I got some great advice. (Unfortunately, I didn’t read the advice immediately upon receiving it, and consequently am writing this article far later than I had intended.)

The first obvious solution for moms who work at home is summer camp. You already know there are a huge variety of camps for your kids, ranging from computer camps, acting camps, math camps, and science camps to camps that offer horseback riding, rock climbing, swimming, and more. Most camps offer half day and full day options with prices ranging from reasonable (which in our area translates to about $180 for 5 half days) to outrageous (there are no limits!). The most affordable camps tend to be offered by churches, Girl and Boy Scout Clubs, and local YMCA sites. If you can’t afford to do camps all summer long, look at your options and perhaps pick one or two weeks that would be of particular interest to your kids. If you can’t afford any camps, but still feel like you need a break for a few hours , enlist the help of a neighborhood teen. Most are eager to earn some extra spending money for the summer. My 14-year-old neighbor hosted a camp with a friend for the neighborhood kids, charging $60 per kid for 2.5 hours of organized fun for a week.

When camp is not an option, consider coordinating some vacation time with Dad, suggests Sara Bingham, founder of WeeHands Baby Sign Language and author of The Baby Signing Book. It’s a great chance for Dad to get some quality time with the kids, and it offers a break for you. Bingham also suggested sharing child care with another mom who works from home.

Regardless of how you choose to occupy your children during the summer months, maintaining a routine, and managing your time well are going to be essential to maximum productivity. Schedule time to put aside your work and spend uninterrupted quality time with your children. Rebecca Buscemi, owner of Creative Virtual Office shared her own strategies: “I try to outline some art and craft and various activities to do with the kids the weekend before the work week starts, that way I’m prepared.” However, she added, “When planning activities and games to play with your children while taking a break from work, make sure they aren’t long drawn out projects and games.” If you have to keep interuppting activities to take another call or get back to your work, your child will get frustrated and may be less likely to let you work in peace, Buscemi pointed out. She also suggested having easy activities on hand that your child can do independently, so when you get a phone call you have to take, you are ready with something to occupy your kids.

It also helps if your child has a dedicated play area with a variety of toys, games, and other activities they can enjoy by themselves. Josephine Geraci, Founder and President of My Mom Knows Best, Inc. considers converting her basement into a playroom for her children one of her best investments. She has put a lot of effort into creating a space they can call their own and in which they enjoy being. For inspiration, she tried to recreate a kindergarten class, offering a dress up area, a kitchen set, a doll house, legos, building bocks, puzzles, cars, trucks, etc. She admits it has gotten a little easier now that her children are old enough to play independently but that doesn’t mean they always play well together. Geraci has a rule that if they can’t play nicely together, she seperates them on different floors for a designated period of time.

And of course, sometimes it helps if you can put aside work for a few hours, and get out of the house with a kids. Even if you’re not near an urban center filled with large museums, you’d be surprised if you look around for some local museums what you might find. We have a small farm museum nearby that my kids can spend hours in. And don’t forget about local parks and libraries. Most offer programs and activities for kids free of charge or at a minimal cost. If you have access to a pool, that’s a great way to tire out your kids before coming home for some “quiet time” which presents another good opportunity to get some work done (provided you don’t wear yourself our too!). If you need to turn on the TV for a little break, don’t feel guilty. Sure you probably don’t want to park your kids in front of the tube all summer long, but using it for some down time for both of you won’t rot their brains!

If all else fails, and you just can’t get work done during the day, the best advice I can give is to embrace the time you have with your kids, and set aside time in the evenings to get your work done after they are in bed. If you’re not a night owl, this is easier said than done, but you will only get frustrated trying to get work done during the day if your children aren’t able to occupy themselves, and then everyone will have an unhappy summer. Before you know it, the kids will be back in school, and you”ll be wishing for those care free days of summer again!

Well, VenusVision was able to pull some strings, and believe it or not, we were able to catch up with her long enough to find out more about her. This is what we learned.

She is a gourmet chef who only uses the most nutritious, wholesome foods, serving up three balanced meals each day, plus two healthy snacks. Not only does she prepare plenty of green vegetables and colorful fruits, but she actually gets her kids to eat them, enjoy them even! McDonald’s? Chick-fil-A? Burger King? Never! No fast food for her children because she ALWAYS plans ahead. Even when others offer her kids fast food on play dates, they decline. They just don’t like it.

She is a homemaker who performs her duties with the relish of June Cleaver and the style of Martha Stewart. Floors shine, bathrooms sparkle, countertops glisten.  Laundry is always neatly folded (ironing only when necessary, let’s get real here), and put away. Never will you find a laundry basket lying around, full of clean clothes becoming more wrinkled by the minute. Toys scattered about in every room? Of course not, because she has passed her good habits on to her children, and each day they spend the pre-dinner hour happily cleaning up while singing “The Clean Up Song.” Her inspiration for decor? Pottery Barn meets Ikea with a traditional-modern fusion of furniture and decor.

She is a cruise activities director who provides enriching and/or phsycially stimulating activities for her children at all times. (This job doubles as chauffer.) Each activity must enhance intellectual and physical growth. Arts and crafts projects are a daily activity, and imaginary play is encouraged with the help of Supermom’s participation. TV is permitted for the viewing of exactly 30 minutes of educational, public television programming every Saturday morning.

She is a teacher (works hand in hand with cruise activities director). Each child learns their ABCs and how to count to 10 by the age of 1, and of course speak in complete sentences using sign language (American, not Baby Sign Language). She also locates the best schools, starting with preschool and waits in line, sometimes overnight to secure a place in said schools. She oversees homework time each day and “helps” her 6 year-old kindergardener  construct a model of the Greek Parthenon using toilet paper and paper towel tubes.

She is, of course, a bombshell who enjoys frequent mind-blowing sex with her husband. To maintain bombshell status, she regularly attends spinning, pilates, yoga, step, and strength training classes. She dresses like a millionaire but shops like Frugal Fannie, turning the heads of men and women alike everywhere she goes. As she dashes to the store, or drops the children off at pre-school, she always looks put-together, even on her way to the gym.

She volunteers for the PTA, baking cookies and organizing teacher appreciation gifts, and goes door-to-door with her children selling Girl Scout Cookies/Boy Scout Popcorn Tins/School Gift Wrap/Basketball Fundraising Discount Cards.

She provides equal attention and constantly expresses equal love and affection to each member of the family, including Jake the dog, whom she has dutifully trained, resulting in the best behaved, well mannered dog in all her suburban neighborhood.

While showering her children with love and attention she has also ensured they don’t get the idea that they are the center of the universe and become spoiled brats whom no one will invite to their kids’ birthday parties. Instead each child is worthy of praise from Miss Manners herself, peppering their vocabulary with the constant use of “please”, “thank you”, “excuse me” and “May I …?”

She is also able to maintain a social network of friends, providing support to less fortunate friends who suffer from the normal woes of motherhood. She has always read the latest New York Times Bestsellers AND Oprah’s Book Club books, meeting with two different book clubs twice a month. (She also does the New York Times crossword puzzle after reading her newspaper over morning coffee.)

She makes every effort to reduce her carbon footprint by recycling virtually every item in her home, or finding a needy recipient for unwanted goods. She buys local organic food at the Farmers Market every Saturday morning, and she drives a Prius.

Finally, Supermom is actually happy and fulfilled doing all of the above things. And why wouldn’t she be? She has an ideal life in every way possible. So by now you’re probably dying to know who Supermom really is! Ok, you caught me. She’s not real. But this is who she is in my mind. And this to whom I compared myself constantly, lamenting that I would never actually be her. For 6 or so of the 7 years I have been a mother, Supermom was my role model, my idol, my tormenter as I was always falling short of becoming her. And then, one day, I took a good look at my kids. They are bright, compassionate, curious, respectful, wonderful human beings. And I think I had something to do with that. Ok, I think I had A LOT to do with that. Maybe I didn’t do all the things I thought I should have done. But instead, I was a wonderful mother in other ways. And I am a wonderful wife. And I am a wonderful friend. (I’m even a pretty good dog owner.)

I do the best I can at the things that are important to me, and do what I can for the rest. In ending my quest for Supermom, I found a pretty super mom in myself. Up Up and away!

I learned:

1. ) How to love my body, at any size.

When I was 9 months pregnant pushing 200 pounds (having gained 50 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight), my husband still couldn’t keep his hands off me. He has always found my body beautiful at my lowest weight and at my highest. So why shouldn’t I? Of course I realize it’s not as easy as saying “Oh, well he/she/they think I’m beautiful, so I must be.” Our confidence in our body must come from within and not depend on the opinions of others. And it has taken me 30-something years, and the birth of two children for me to learn what an amazing thing my body is. I respect its accomplishments both big and small, and as I grow older I want to treat my body right so that it can carry me through the future.

2.) That I love being active.
I love to run, but anything beyond that, I never had the ambition or confidence to try a sport. As a kid I always wanted to play soccer, but I did not share my wishes with my parents and so I just ignored my desires to be active, instead opting for hours of TV time. In high school, I tried out for the track team, but found it too rigorous for me at the time and consequently gave up on being active all together. After that, here and there I would try to get fit, but more out of an attempt to change my body and lose weight than for the joy of being active.

But after the birth of my first daughter, I was fortunate enough to have some time to try and figure out exactly what it was that I enjoy. I took up running again, and this time stuck with it, eventually running three half marathons to date. (A full marathon is yet to come!) I spent two years taking Karate, nine months of which were during my second pregnancy. I continued right up until a week before my second daughter was born, and even with a c-section, I was back after only 3 weeks. Karate really kept me in shape during my pregnancy and I fully believe helped to speed my recovery. Eventually I received the lowest level of black belt before I moved on to other activities.

Later, I discovered a love for biking and swimming, and eventually combined that love with my passion for running and participated in my first triathlon. I was hooked and can’t wait to do more!

The difference between my half-hearted attempts to get fit in the past, and my unfailing commitment to fitness these days is that I don’t focus on the number of calories I am burning. Instead, I am conscious of the feeling it gives me, not just in the moment (or when I am finished) but overall. I feel strong, powerful and healthy. And, if I don’t make it to the gym for a week or two because life has thrown a curve ball, I don’t have to berate myself since I am not going just for the sake of looking better.

3.) That I am not a super mom, that being a stay at home mom is not the answer to my personal fulfillment. And that’s ok.

Before I had my first daughter, I worked for a large internet company. While it was definitely fun to work there during the the hey-day of dot.com boom (no, I wasn’t one of the dot.com millionaires) I quickly realized working in the corporate environment was not my thing. I had no desire to move up in the company, and was pretty much biding my time until I had kids, at which point I knew I wanted to stay home.

But when I actually came home with my first daughter, I discovered that I wasn’t a natural after all. Between the crazy post partem hormones, sleepless nights, round-the-clock nursing and colic, I quickly felt like I was losing my mind and questioned my ability to be a full time mom. I know a lot of those feelings are normal in the beginning, but there has always been a part of me that wondered if my children would be better off in someone else’s full time care, while I went back to work. The trouble was there wasn’t any work I could think of that I’d rather be doing than taking care of my children. A conundrum indeed! So I continued to stay at home, feeling incompetent and trying to keep up with my friends and all they were doing with their own kids the same age. But as my kids have gotten older, I have begun to realize something. They’re pretty great kids. They’re polite and well mannered. They are compassionate towards others. They’re loving. They’re smart and creative. They’re all around fabulous human beings. So I’ve concluded that I must being doing something right! I may not be the mom that sits down on the floor all day and plays with my kids. But I enjoy being with them, and we find other ways to enjoy each other’s company. I may not take them to art museums, plays, and concerts. But they love music, science and drama. I still lose my patience with them. I still sometimes say ‘no’ more times than I like, but I finally realized that my strengths as a parent are not lost on them.

4.) How to dress for my body.

Once I hit puberty, I had a peripheral interest in fashion, but without some lessons on what looks good on ME, I generally failed to pull together flattering, stylish outfits. Looking back at pictures of me in late teens and early 20s, I sometimes wonder, “What was I thinking?” when I put that on. But then came Stacy & Clinton from “What Not to Wear”, a popular show on The Learning Channel. Although I had started to come into my own sense of style before then, I learned some important lessons about what kind of clothes would flatter my pear shaped figure. I learned to be more objective about clothing, and pay less attention to the size on the label than how it fit my shape.

I don’t encourage women to obsess over their appearance, or constantly worry about how they are being judged on their appearance by others. But there is something empowering about feeling good in the clothes on your body. It gives a feeling of self confidence and lifts your spirit. Have you ever tried putting on a favorite outfit that you always feel good in when you are feeling down? Just like putting on a false smile causes a chemical reaction in your body that releases good feeling hormones, looking good on the outside can seep into your inner spirit and make you feel good on the inside.

5.) If someone stops petting you, move on.
I read this one in a book, and have made it a personal philosophy. One advantage to getting older is that a lot of things you worried about when you were younger are no longer a source of stress. In our teens and 20s, we usually spend a lot of time worrying about what others think of us, and consequently trying to please them. When a fair weather friend would stop returning my calls, I would fret over what I had done. Did I say something offensive without realizing it? Did I commit some major social faux paus? Or worse, was I just not cool enough/interesting enough/smart enough/attractive enough? And then I realized, none of that mattered. If my friendship is not worth the effort to others to maintain, then THEY are not worthy of my friendship and I move on. If I offend a friend, I expect them to tell me and clear the air. If they simply hold a grudge, or I worry over what I might have done, then both parties are only bathing themselves in self defeating negative energy.

So, what have you learned as you grow older?

A 3 yr old hits a friend and mom says, “that’s not appropriate, it’s unacceptable to hit a friend, go say sorry.” Everyone says it—but are those the best words to use when a child is emotional? Does it teach a child how to resolve the situation next time? It does tell him that mom and dad are upset, but so does your tone of voice and the look on your face. I think parents want more from corrections. I think parents want the words they use words to stop behavior and tell a child what they should do instead.

Why isn’t saying, “that’s not appropriate or not acceptable” enough to stop behavior? When a child is emotional or being corrected for misbehavior those words are over their heads.

I did an experiment a while ago with 20 kids ages 2-6. I asked them “what does ‘not appropriate’ mean?” All but one of them said, “I don’t know.” One child said, “Oh, that’s what mom says when she gets mad.”

Would you ever say, “that’s not fitting for this particular purpose” or “that’s not adequate to satisfy a need, a requirement or a standard in this situation” to a young child? Of course not; it’s way over their heads. Well, that’s the definition of appropriate and acceptable.

Toddlers and preschoolers are having first time experiences and require repetition and teaching to learn. Young children are experiencing situations for the first, second or third time—ever. They need to be told about their behavior repeatedly without anger; they need to be taught. A common problem arises when parents assume that since their young child is walking, talking and possibly potty trained, they have full understanding of how life works and full comprehension of the English language. They don’t. They need calm parents to show them what to do instead of what they did.

So how do you teach a child how to “stop it” without using those words? Parents need to send information at the toddler or preschool level so a child can learn how to stop it.

What’s the difference between adult–sized words and child-sized words? When a child is emotional because they can’t have what they want or they are being corrected due to misbehavior, child-sized words are brief statements filled with instruction, not full sentences. The statements include what a child should be doing instead of what they have done.

Here is a real Life example: You are at the mall and your child runs off to see a big fountain. You begin warning by saying, “Not acceptable to go near the fountain.” Or, “Not appropriate to run away from me, stay away from the fountain or we have to leave”, yet your child bolts towards the fountain anyway!

Since your child is determined to see the water and isn’t listening, use child-sized words to show him how to look at the fountain the way you want him too. Try saying, “look with eyes, feet on ground, hands in pockets”. Repeat those words several times so he can understand.

What if he doesn’t listen the first few times? Have him take a seat with you a few feet away from the fountain and wait for three to ten seconds. Then return to the fountain and repeat the words again, “look with eyes, feet on ground, hands in pockets.” If he tests you again repeat the process again. Don’t give up it may take several times for him to get it. This is your chance to show him how you want him to do things and if you give up he will see he doesn’t need to listen to this new way of teaching. Teaching this way shows him you’re serious, and gives him several chances to learn. You’ve just switched from adult words that don’t teach to child-sized words that do.

Sharon Silver is the founder and director of ProActive Parenting, offering downloadable seminars to help parents lovingly teach and correct behavior as they deal with everyday toddler and preschooler behavior.

It can happen anywhere and at anytime. A child screams his demands and his parent feels overwhelmed, embarrassed or angry. Mom increases the intensity of her reaction because she knows what’s coming—a power struggle. Her son wants to be heard so he continues the negotiating and arguing. Now both parent and child are loudly trying to make their point and a power struggle has begun.

Why doesn’t the arguing and negotiating stop when a parent says, “stop it now”?

The short answer is your child is still learning and your reaction is one of the things teaching him. When a parent increases the intensity of her reaction to stop a power struggle it can scare a child. Toddlers and preschoolers tend to revert back to a slightly younger age when they are really emotional. A parent’s big reaction can push a wee one over the edge emotionally causing a power struggle to get bigger or morph right into a frightened tantrum.

The other thing that could happen is due to immature understanding; a young preschooler can view a parent’s reaction as a form of teaching. They may misinterpret your reaction as “Oh, so this is how you’re supposed to behave” and then they model your behavior right back at you.

How to drop your end of a power struggle

Since your child is young and learning from everything around him, you need to make the first change. How? Mom and dad can back out of the power struggle by going silent for 10-60 seconds. It’s that simple and that powerful. The silence is not to be used as a punishment and it shouldn’t go on for any longer than it takes for the parent to see the child calm a little bit. As long as the silence isn’t punitive it quickly becomes more powerful than the arguing. It sends the message, “I hear you and I’m no longer willing to argue with you.”

Your first reaction after reading that may be, “doesn’t that mean I’m letting him get away with disrespectful behavior?” No, actually it’s quite the opposite. Parental silence captures his attention and he thinks, “Uh oh, I’m in trouble.” And since he’s emotionally out of control your silence shows him that you’re calm and in control and he’s comforted by that. He also senses that pleading, negotiating and screaming has to stop now.

Go silent for 10-60 seconds as soon as you realize you’re in a power struggle.  Explain that you won’t be talking until he calms down. You need to explain why you’ve gone silent or it will either confuse him or cause a bigger fuss. Then go silent again as he tries to re-engage you, and he will. Repeating instructions is key as you do this tip. Repeat this process as many times as needed the first few times you try this.

So the next time you find yourself arguing with a 3 or 4 yr old—go silent for 10-60 seconds, take a few deep breaths and wait for your child to calm down before you talk. Then follow your heart as you help him learn about your family’s rules and resolve the situation.

Sharon Silver is the founder and director of ProActive Parenting, www.proactiveparenting.net a site offering downloadable seminars to help parents switch from punishment to discipline as they deal with everyday toddler and preschooler behavior.

With “Take Your Child to Work” day coming up (April 23), I am reminded of the day a few years back when my babysitter (a child I used to have in my daycare center years before) told me she had wanted to “tail” ME for the day. Her teacher told her that wasn’t acceptable. She needed to go to an office environment. I translated that to my JOB not being “real” enough to warrant interest!

You can imagine my anger at the insensitivity of the teacher. She/he must not have children. If they had, they would know how a stay-at-home Mom’s JOB is probably more taxing than most on any given day.

For instance, here was my typical work schedule with two toddlers in the house:

6:30am First client arrives unannounced in my bedroom demanding attention by sticking finger up my eyelid. Second client arrives soon after needing assistance as well. After getting out of bed and dealing with matters (still in PJs), they insist on a meeting over breakfast… now.

6:45am The entourage goes downstairs to the canteen while discussing the day’s agenda. After cooking a balanced meal and cleaning up (all while the clients act like little boys talking about their favorite cars and occasionally cracking bathroom humor), it’s off to dress the clients and myself to get ready to go off campus.

8am Drive clients to grocery store to buy more food for future balanced meals. Keep clients from grabbing fruit and vegetables off bins. Warn clients of oncoming carts. Ask clients to stay close to cart – for own safety. Return to office and put away stock while clients try to help, but wind up breaking glass jars of apple sauce (buy plastic next time/clean up spill now).

10am Clients look to me for programming ideas… they are at a loss for what to do. Plan activities that will encourage brain development. Teach them to get along and share.

11:30am Clients demand more food (prep then clean…)

1pm Clients morale starts to deteriorate and bickering ensues between them. I encourage them to take a break and rest. It’s a good day — they actually go to sleep.

1:30pm While clients sleep, get on phone and arrange doctor’s check-ups as well as dentist visits. Call phone company and dispute mysterious charge. While on hold, start laundry. Clean client’s work area, check emails and respond while still on hold with phone company. Check bills and pay any due within next two weeks. Still on hold….

2:15 Still on hold with phone company as one client awakes and comes down stairs. Must do damage control with him as his leg has fallen asleep and now hurts as it “wakes up”. Client wines that his leg feels sparkly. The 5 minutes of crying has woken up the other client who is similarly not in a good mood. Phone company employee has finally come on the line and wants to know what I need. Really? What I NEED right now!!?? I’m sure she can’t give that to me, so I NEED to call her back later.

3pm Put shoes on wining clients as well as jackets and take them outside for a change of venue. This seems to work. Morale is better. Must locate digging tools and help find earthworms for collection. Mediate between my clients and other “clients” at the digging site. Territorial rites are argued and physical injury is imminent. Appropriate new digging site for my clients with “bigger and better” worms. This new site is soon found by other clients and is compromised as well.

5pm Must coax my clients back into office so third meal of day may be prepared before the CEO arrives back at the office. Much bribery is needed to get clients inside. Transfer laundry as I pass by the laundry room. Once inside, mediation is required to fix disagreement between clients before cooking prep may begin. Start cooking process with one client attached to leg. Must practice great caution to not injure client. Don’t want an OSHA visit. Easier to cook with client on leg than listen to his list of disagreements to the “system”.

6pm CEO arrives home. Clients are glad to see him and my leg is finally freed. Finish cooking project and prepare table for office staff to eat.

6:30pm CEO takes clients upstairs to boardroom to recap the days events. I remain in canteen and clean dishes and put away client’s office supplies. Inspect the day’s mail for important documents – keep bills, discard junk and shred the rest.

7:30pm Retrieve clean laundry. Start another load. Fold clean laundry. Separate into piles for each client. Disperse later. Re-dry CEO’s pants as they have sat in dryer too long and are wrinkled. Set watch timer to catch them this time.

8pm Vacuum basement level where clients came in with muddy shoes from “worm retrieval” project. Clean and disinfect toilet from youngest client’s efforts at potty training.

8:15pm Hang CEO’s pants from dryer.

8:20pm Continue with cleaning efforts….

9:15pm Read and retain pertinent information from daily newspapers and periodicals received in mail. Use this information in later conversations so as to sound as if brain is not totally mush from the efforts of maintaining this office.

10pm Meet with CEO and discuss days events. Go over positive outcomes as well as discuss how to differently handle negative ones.

10:45pm Turn off lights in office and go to sleep.

2am Client cries out due to negatively perceived dream. Meet with client and discuss the improbability of dream actually happening. Discuss flow chart of positive outcomes if go back to sleep. Convince client all is well.

2:15am Get back to bed.

6:30am another day at the office.

How could anyone question the respectability of OUR day at the office!? Although I think I’ll pay attention next year and send my “clients” in with the CEO to his headquarters. Maybe I could call that a vacation day….

The adult world can leave you exhausted at the end of the day. All you want to do is decompress; yet your child wants 100% of your attention, and the evening arguing begins.

Mom needs to get dinner ready or bedtime will be late and dad needs to send one more email before work tomorrow. Your child doesn’t care about that, she doesn’t know anything about the adult world, she lives in the present moment and wants your attention now. And now the whining and yelling begins.

Most children can be whiny at the end of day. They’ve held it together emotionally all day without you and now they’re home where it’s safe and the emotions begin to roll. However parents have been in the adult world all day and have little energy left for any whining.

Here are two tips, one feeds attention and one feeds the tummy, both help change End of the Day Whining.

Literally feed end of the day whining—don’t starve it.

What if you began by feeding your child ahead of dinner instead of insisting she stop whining now! We all know mealtime can be the only focused time a family has all day, and I’m not asking you to give that up, I’m suggesting a change in how it goes. Sometimes hunger causes whining and food is the only solution.

Be proactive and create a “dinner box”. Have a container waiting in the refrigerator so she can have food as soon as she gets home. Stock the box ahead of time with things like cheese, yogurt, lunch meat, tuna, veggies and dip, fruit, cheese and crackers, cheese tortillas, or leftovers. What ever works for your child, as long as it’s healthy.

Won’t that spoil her dinner? No, it becomes the bulk of her dinner. It’s simply feeding her the way you used too when she was a baby, before you eat. Now she’s older and can handle eating as she does the next tip and while you continue to make the family meal. Also, your child’s stomach is the size of her fist. Toddlers and preschoolers don’t eat as much as adults do, and most don’t enjoy complex adult food; they’re natural grazers and prefer small portions many times a day of the foods already mentioned.

What about family time? Eating together each night is very important, but it’s not the eating of the food that’s so important, it’s the time spent together. Now that your child has been partially fed invite her to finish dinner with the family or have her join you for desert. This way you get to have a calmer family meal with less whining.

Feed the need for attention—but on your terms.

This tip will fill both your needs, she gets attention and you continue making dinner. Consider having a special seat in the kitchen called “time with me seat”? That way your child can be with you—but not under foot. Have your child sit in her “special” seat as she eats from the “dinner box” and let her eat slowly as she tells you about her day. Begin by asking her direct questions to get things started and then let her go on about anything. This exchange fills her up with the attention she’s craving and doesn’t force you stop the flow of family life as you provide one-on-one time.

Sharon Silver is the founder and director of ProActive Parenting, a site offering downloadable seminars to help parents switch from punishment to discipline as they deal with everyday toddler and preschooler behavior.