The Importance of ‘We’ Time

As marriages evolve, particularly with the introduction of children, it can be easy to forget the importance of “we time”. In this day and age, moms are always encouraged to carve out “me time” for themselves, but marriages and partnerships need extra nurturing and attention periodically too. It provides an opportunity to reconnect with the person you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with. At some points in your marriage, when you are more in tune to each other, this might not seem so hard. But it is natural for each partner in a marriage to develop in a different direction from time to time, which may make you less inclined to spend time together. Of course, that is when it is the most important to find ways to reconnect with one another, rather than waiting until you have become virtual strangers living under the same roof.

Yesterday my husband and I celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary and the fact that we have a strong, happy marriage. In fact, it’s better than ever. But it didn’t get that way by chance. While we each have a healthy sense of ‘me’ within our marriage, pursuing our own interests, and spending time with our own friends, we  also have a strong sense of ‘we’ and we make sure the needs of ‘we’ are met as much as the needs of ‘me’. With two children in elementary school, sometimes carving out time for the two of us can be hard. But it would definitely never happen if we didn’t plan for it. The surprising thing is though, just because you plan time to spend together, doesn’t mean you have to go to great lengths to make the time you have together special.

We are not big gift givers, so we typically use our anniversary as an excuse to go out for a nice meal. While our big anniversary date night is yet to come (we are celebrating this weekend at a fine French restaurant nearby), I wanted the actual day to be celebratory as well, so I bought a bottle of sparkling wine and prepared a nice meal to be served after our kids were in bed. As we enjoyed our quiet, candle-lit dinner of braided salmon (recipe compliments of The Wicked Noodle), roasted garlic and baby potatoes, and broccoli rabe, followed by chocolate souffle, it dawned me how relatively easy it was to make an ordinary evening into something extra-ordinary.

I’m not saying you should prepare gourmet, candle-lit meals every night (though really, our anniversary meal wasn’t that hard). But even something as simple as picking one night a week to eat dinner together after the kids are in bed can give you a chance to take a deep breath and spend some quality time together. If you don’t like to cook or don’t have time, make it less stressful by serving up a prepared meal, or even fast food, but take the extra step of putting the meal on nice plates, put on a little music, and relish the moment of quiet the two of you have together.

If enjoying a nice meal together still seems like too much effort (which it would have to me when my kids were infants), sometimes just being close to one another, with light physical contact can keep those connections alive. Instead of turning on the TV and flipping through the channels, try curling up together under a blanket, and reading your favorite books. You many not be talking, but your bodies are communicating.

And of course, having a night on the town going to a favorite restaurant or listening to some live music is always a great way to enjoy each other’s company. I find that just having a date night to look forward to, regardless of what our plans are, creates a fun air of anticipation. We try and schedule a night out at least once a month, and make up for the time in between by catching up after the kids are in bed. I’m definitely looking forward to our fancy French dinner!

Letting Go of Control

What do we truly have control over in this life?  The answer is simple.  We only have power over ourselves.  We have no control over the actions and ideas of others.  In that sense, we are merely passengers along for the ride.  Others must make their own life decisions.

While the idea of influencing only yourself can make you feel weak, a better way to view it is as a new source of freedom.  Knowing that you are the only vessel over which you have ultimate control should lighten your load of responsibilities.  After all, you only have a responsibility to maintain your own life and your own problems.  You can give your opinion to others.  You can recommend, advise, suggest, and advocate.  You can stress the importance of certain things and offer up stories of experience to back up your claims.  However, at the end of the day, each person is their own deliberator.

As women, we often feel the need to nurture the world.  We want to take on and solve the problems of the world; and of course we want to work out the troubles of our loved ones.  We think that if we were in the other person’s shoes we would have everything sorted out in no time.  We’re forgetting that it’s impossible to actually know what it feels like to be in that person’s shoes.  We have an entirely different life experience, and it’s ridiculous to think that we would have all of life’s answers in another body.  By assuming that we know better, we are disregarding the other person’s right to guide their own life.

It is essential that you realize that control over others isn’t real.  Control over others is an idea, a design created by you.  Your design for someone else, no matter how well intentioned, has no basis in reality.  Plus, this imaginary ideal will cause you an inordinate amount of stress.  Your stress levels will increase over something which you never had control of in the first place.  This can become a never ending merry-go-round of self-inflicted worry.  Take control worries out at their root—you.

If you think about it, trying to control someone is the same as forcing them to do what you want, but most of the time, force is not a viable option. Forcing someone to see things your way will never be as effective as explaining what you believe and helping them see your perspective. Exerting your choices and opinions on someone is more likely to cause resentment and ill will between you.  This is creating a lose-lose situation.  Let go and both of you can be winners.

Ultimately, we are all just doing the best with what we’ve been given.  Strive to be the best person that you can be rather than trying to make someone else into what we imagine is their best.  Attempting to control someone and getting upset when they don’t comply also renders us powerless.  Someone else should not be the center of your life.  You should never offer them that much control over you.  The only person that should have control over your life is you.  Grab the reigns and steer!  Let the other horses run wild.  Your horses are the ones who will carry you to where you desire to go.

Many thanks to Jean Albright for teaching me to look for the good in myself and to take control of my life!  Her guidance motivated this encouraging work, and I can never thank her enough.

Do You Need a New Battle Strategy?

When I decided to write an article on resolving conflicts in relationships, I put out some feelers to see how those around me solve their own conflicts. My brother-in-law suggested that there isn’t one solution that will work with everyone, but after doing some research and talking to some experts in couples counseling, I think there are some core ideas that can help lead to more peaceful relationships.

When someone does something to make us angry, it’s only natural to lash back. But often times, doing so only makes the situation worse. If you are able to take a moment to reflect on the situation, rather than acting by reflex, you may find a way to smooth things out and make both parties happy with the outcome. It’s also important to realize that conflict is a normal, natural part of every healthy relationship. “If there were no conflict, I would be concerned that at least one party is too adaptive and yielding at his or her own expense,” said Dr. Dorothea Hover-Kramer, psychotherapist and author of Second Chance at Your Dream.

Realizing that men and women respond differently to conflict is a key component to resolving issues. Maryanne Comaroto, an internationally known radio talk show host, relationship expert, and author says it well: “The problem with solving conflict in relationship is most of us women don’t really want to solve the problem. We want men to hear us, to care deeply about our feelings and needs, and then after this unilateral summit, have our partner never do whatever they did again—ever—that made us feel that way. Or at minimum, admit they were wrong and apologize with chocolate, flowers, perhaps jewelry, a night on the town or a proposal of marriage. Bottom line, we don’t take responsibility for our feelings and experience 9 times out of 10 and would rather blame our partner, calling him insensitive, indifferent or self-centered.”

This may seem a little harsh, but I definitely identify with these ideas. When I am angry at my husband, I don’t really care about the issue as much as the feeling that my desires are being ignored, and I do just want him to put his energy into making me feel better. And if it’s through “gifts” of love, I’ll take them!  Of course, he realizes “solving” our arguments this way isn’t productive in the long run, and he has rarely attempted a “make-up” by showering me with gifts. Instead, he makes us both get down to the heart of the problem, and through talking everything out, forces us to see each other’s perspectives. Sure it’s a healthy way to solve our problems, but a little jewelry every now and then to make amends wouldn’t hurt either!

My husband’s response to conflict in our marriage at least in part reflects what Comaroto says about how men typically react: “Men … want to solve the problem; that’s what they do—as long, of course, as they’re not the problem. Because then they would have to admit they didn’t know how to do it right, or perhaps change their behavior. And while men have many strengths they bring to a relationship, admitting they don’t know how to do something isn’t one of them. Bottom line, most men don’t want to take any responsibility for their part in the conflict and would rather judge their partner as overly sensitive, hormonal or needy.” My husband definitely wants to solve the problem and goes about doing so methodically. But in contrast to the rest of Comaroto’s statements, I am lucky enough to be married to a man that can and does take responsibility when it’s called for. Of course, I have been accused of suffering from PMS — albeit correctly — from time to time.

In the responses I received from so many relationship professionals and life coaches, I found a few other common themes in the advice they had to offer:

• No name calling or yelling.
• Look at the situation from their perspective.
• Take a time out.
• Listen, listen, and listen some more. Don’t just hear the other person’s words, but try to understand what is behind them.
• Reflect on ourselves and our reactions. Does the offending action merit the resulting reaction? Often there are deeper issues at hand.
• Think about what what you can do in your life outside of the present conflict that will better help you cope with conflict when it does arise.

Leslie McKee, a Certified Family Manager Coach™ offers her favorite tip: Always hold hands when having a discussion that may become an argument.  It is nearly impossible to fight with someone who is holding your hand! Elisabeth Manning of  Conscious Conception Energy Coaching expands on this idea, emphasizing the importance of sitting near the other person, and “hold them or hold their hand, or at least make a point to touch, never breaking contact through the talk. Touch dissolves barriers and guards that we put around our heart that we have such a hard time letting down even though we want to. It is a path to getting to the core issues and reminds the other as well as ourselves that we really DO want to get closer at the end of it all, even if we feel otherwise in the moment!”

Carolyn Gerard, a family counselor, tells clients “that it’s not the “things” or the “issues” that are the problem, but what happens to you on an emotional level (feel rejected, put down, hurt, like you don’t matter, he/she doesn’t care anymore) when there is conflict.” Adding to this concept, Dr. Ingrid Schweiger says, “The key to resolving ANY conflict is knowing how to listen and agreeing to the rules for fair fighting.  The true art of listening involves hearing and understanding the feelings behind the words.”  When Schweiger works with couples, she lays down some ground rules from the start, teaching them the do’s and don’t’s of listening.  “We practice, practice, practice and learn how to listen reflectively, so you can acknowledge — not agree or disagree — what your partner is saying.” Schweiger also reminds us that sometimes we simply have to agree to disagree. “If you are escalating, and the conflict is going nowhere, call a time out and agree to pick this up later or in a day or two.  Letting the dust settle gives you both time to not only consider each other’s point of view, but also time to think up some additional solutions.  if it’s all about my way versus your way, you are missing many great opportunities to think outside of the box.”

Of course, talking out your problems with friends can sometimes help you see things from a different perspective, when you are having trouble doing so on your own. Don’t use the opportunity simply to vent your issues, and seek reinforcement for “your side”. Encourage your friends to be honest with you in order for you to see the situation from another angle. When I recently got in an argument with my husband, I knew I wasn’t ready to discuss it with him on a mature, productive level. I called my friend venting, ultimately making it “all about me”. But while describing the conflict to her, without realizing it, I described what I thought his perspective was, which she then pointed out to me. I realized then that his feelings were as valid as mine, and until that moment, I had not been prepared to acknowledge them. When we finally discussed the matter, I started by letting him know that I understood his view of the situation, and gave him the reasons I saw things differently, which he accepted. Instead of trying to figure out who was wrong and who was right, we dissipated the dispute simply by allowing for each other’s feelings and view points.

Melody Brooke, who also practices marriage and family counseling makes this suggestion: “The next time your partner is angry with you. Stop. Don’t do what you always have done. This time, notice the hurt or fear and say something to indicate that you noticed they are hurting, like “I’m sorry, I can see there is something I did that hurt you. Can you tell me what’s going on?”  Give her some indication that you understand she is hurting.  Let him know that you care that he is hurt.  Odds are you will find out that the upset wasn’t really about you, but about something from your partner’s history. So be open, be curious and empathetic.  This will allow their anger to bring you closer instead of pushing you further apart.”

Sometimes the key to ending conflict peacefully is to focus on yourself and your relationship when you are not experiencing conflict. Dr. Susan Fletcher, a family and marriage therapist, and author of two books (Working in the Smart Zone, 2008 and Parenting in the Smart Zone, 2005) offers these suggestions:

1. Learn to self soothe when tension is present. Many people think it is the other spouse’s responsibility to make them feel better. In fact, it is important to be able to calm yourself down rather than needing your spouse to “do something” to make you feel better. Make yourself feel better and have a conversation with yourself to keep your cool.
2. Focus on “repair attempts” rather than “resolving issues.” Some issues are not resolvable. Let’s face it. But agreeing to disagree just may not cut it. Work to “maintain a level of satisfaction despite your difference” to build a better marriage. Don’t sacrifice your relationship in the name of being right or getting the last word.
3. Maintain healthy behaviors even when life is stressful. Try and get at least 30 minutes of sustained exercise a day and eat healthy foods. Treating your body well will go a long way in helping you manage the stress of marital difficulties. Consider exercise and healthy foods a prescription for feeling better.

Fletcher points out the importance of taking responsibility for creating a tense environment when marriage makes you grumpy. “We all have the opportunity to decrease tension by building an environment that reinforces optimism and happiness,” she said, adding that “people typically wait an average of 6 years after their marriage gets tough before they seek help. Confront the problems sooner and become an active participant in helping your marriage bring out the best in you.”

For more information about relationships from sources quoted in the article, visit these sites:

Carolyn Gerard, M.A., MFT, Relationships4Life.com
Maryanne Comaroto
Dorothea Hover-Kramer, Ed.D., RN Second Chance at Your Dream
Susan Fletcher, Ph.D.
Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT, Oh, Wow, This Changes Everything
Dr. Ingrid Schweiger