When someone else asked her how we can inoculate our daughters from the forces of society that tell them they need to be thin and beautiful above all else, she again espoused the importance of encouraging them to find their thing — something outside of their physical appearance and something that gives them deeper value. Eventually, it seemed like the entire focus of the morning centered on finding a “thing” as it became apparent that more and more women in the group had trouble finding their own thing. I completely relate — it was only a year ago, at the age of 38, that I felt like I had really found my thing when I made the decision to go to graduate school for a degree in mental health counseling.

I wondered what makes it so hard for us to find our thing, and indeed, why is it we need to find our thing? Consider this: for most of humankind’s existence, our energy has been focused on three things — eating, sleeping, and making babies. The eating part took up the bulk of that energy since we had to grow and/or catch our own food which admittedly wasn’t an easy process. After that, we found the most reproductively sound mate that we were able to catch, and made as many babies as possible since many of them would not survive to adulthood. But with each baby, our energies were likely not diverted from our primary goals of survival. I’m not an anthropologist or historian, but I’m pretty sure throughout most of our existence, mothers didn’t stop working in the fields or doing whatever else was needed to aid in the survival of a family unit, in order to devote their lives to raising emotionally, intellectually and physically sound human beings. Now please understand, that is not a criticism of today’s moms — I’m one of them. I wouldn’t trade the last ten years of being home full time with my daughters — taking them to Little Gym and art classes and Tae Kwon Do and soccer practice, etc. etc. etc. — for anything. All I’m saying is that evolution hasn’t equipped our emotional brains with tasks that are less directly connected with our day to day survival and as a consequence we may be wondering what our purpose on this planet is. If we aren’t supposed to devote our lives to our basic survival, then what are we supposed to be doing? What is our thing? And how do we find it?

In many ways, Glennon was lucky — not only did she find her thing in writing, but she has been validated for it by her followers, by publishers, and even television producers. But she pointed out that none of that was important to her (yes, I know, easy to say now), because at the end of the day, what she loves about writing, what keeps her going for eight hours a day devoted to writing, is her love for the act of writing itself. She asserted that if tomorrow she woke up and everything else fell away — the book deal, the possibilities for a TV show, the notoriety, she would still have the thing she loves — her writing and the sense of accomplishment and satisfaction she has after finishing a good post. And I believe her. That’s not to say she doesn’t love the direction her life has taken, but she didn’t need those things to happen for her to know she had already found her thing.

But the audience wanted to know: how do we find our thing? Glennon had a few suggestions that I think were helpful, but I think it helps to start by defining what a thing is and is not for each person. Many assumed that a thing had to be something one was good at or that came easily. I would argue that not only do neither of things things have to be true, but that you don’t even necessarily have to want to be good at your thing. You simply have to derive intrinsic pleasure from it, whether you excel at it or not.

For example, I recently discovered Zumba (yes, I’m a late bloomer), and instantly fell in love. I look forward to going to my class every week, and stand in the front of the class shaking and spinning and gyrating to the music. Now let me be clear — I look like a total idiot. I am pretty sure I have the anti-Latina gene because I couldn’t look less rhythmic if I was a pocket-protector wearing nerd. But it doesn’t matter because it just feels so good! And if I someday discover an ounce of rhythm somewhere in my veins, great! But if not, who cares? I have a classmate who loves Zumba so much she decided to become an instructor — not because she is looking to make a career out of it (presumably, since she’s in a graduate program for counseling), but because it just gives her such great joy. My point is, don’t let skill be a hurdle to finding your thing.

Another thing that Glennon mentioned is to ask your friends what they think your thing is. Sometimes it’s easier for someone else to see it in you than for you to see it yourself. Do you go to your friends’ houses and start organizing their cupboards? Maybe your thing is a to be a professional organizer. Or maybe you can just enjoy helping out your friends (you can start with my house!). Do you constantly worry about children who don’t have enough to eat? Volunteer! I’d be happy to point you in a few directions! Do you love being outdoors and moving? Take up cycling. Walking. Gardening. Anything that reconnects you with nature and your roots. The possibilities are endless if we open ourselves up to the world, and as one person in the audience suggested, say yes more to new experiences. It also means letting go to predefined notions of what should bring us happiness and contentment in life. Notions about the roles we are supposed to fill, the things we are supposed to buy, the lives we are supposed to live, all in the pursuit of happiness.

As Glennon pointed out, so often we make assessments about our own life and its value based on the assumptions we make about others. Even with her telling the audience to avoid doing that, they were comparing their inability to find their thing to the massive success she has had as a writer and already giving up before they even try. Not everyone who “finds their thing” is going to be recognized by hundreds of thousands of people. In fact, most people may never have any kind of external validation for whatever their thing is. I recently met an eighty-year-old woman who described herself as a poet-aster. When I gave her a confused look, she said “I’m a poet disaster.” I doubt she was as terrible as she assumed she was, but what I or anyone else thinks doesn’t really matter to her. She’d been writing poetry since she was in the second grade, it gave her great intrinsic joy, and she didn’t care if she wasn’t going to be the next Maya Angelou.

If you haven’t found your thing open up your heart and ask yourself what gives you great joy? What do you spend your time thinking about and would it be worthwhile to devote more energy to it? Or less? Finding your thing is a journey and it can change over time, but accepting the idea that you don’t have to be good at it and that you don’t need others to validate it is the first step in finding something that makes you want to wake up in the morning and greet the day with new joy.

My Thing

It was a long journey for me before coming to the decision to pursue a path towards mental health counseling, and if the word “lost” seems cliche in describing how I felt before coming to that decision, then I stand accused. I wasn’t much of a student through most of my pre-college education, and at one point during adolescence felt pretty certain my future involved abandoned housing and a bunch of misfit, mohawk sporting, combat-boot wearing friends. Luckily I decided I wanted a little more out of life in time to pull my grades together and go to college, having decided I wanted to teach English after my senior English teacher ignited a spark for me. Still, all through college, much as I loved my English classes, I remained petrified at the thought of standing in front of a class teaching a bunch of kids who would rather be making out in the hallway or smoking a joint in the parking lot. I figured I would get over it, my love for the subject winning out, but it never felt like it was the right fit — never felt like it was “my thing”. By the time I graduated, I was completely sure teaching was not the right path for me, but had no idea what was, and subsequently ended up working at a boring desk job. Eventually after playing the grown up professional for a while, I came to the conclusion that the corporate world was not for me either, and that my real calling was to be a mother.

So imagine my surprise when I had this newborn baby to care for, and who wouldn’t stop crying no matter what I did, to discover that motherhood wasn’t the blissful baby-wearing, on demand breast-feeding, twenty-four/seven bonding experience I was certain Dr. Sears assured me it would be. Although I loved being a new mom, and loved my daughter dearly from the moment I laid eyes on her, I also quickly came to the realization that motherhood wasn’t exactly my “thing” either. I didn’t derive the deep and seemingly limitless satisfaction from the experience I was sure all of my other new mom peers were experiencing and wondered what I was doing wrong. Within months of having my first daughter, I began researching graduate programs, but quickly determined that was not a realistic route for me at that time.

Over the next ten years, I floundered from this to that, and took a step in the right direction when I founded VenusVision in 2008. I have always enjoyed writing, and I wanted to reach out to others, and VenusVision provided a platform for doing both. But I have to admit, I didn’t have the tenacity to keep up with it on a regular basis, and when I compared my success (or what I saw as a lack of it) to my blogging peers, I realized I would never reach the levels of readership they had. I began to lose interest, only posting occasionally which of course ended up in a self fulfilling prophecy since, with no new material, there would be no new readers.

I spent a couple of years trying my hand in the direct-selling business, and I while I had a fun time and met a lot of great people, I realized that wasn’t my thing either. (Again though, I spent a lot of time comparing myself to others in the business and felt depressed at not achieving their level of success.)

And then one day I was having a conversation with my step-mother, talking about what to try next in my life, and came back to a recurring theme that I’ve had in recent years of wanting to help women overcome body image and food relationship issues, and she said “I think you’d be great at that!” And the stars aligned. Though throughout much of my life, I’ve had friends tell me that I would make a great therapist/counselor, I never had the confidence to feel like I could help others with their problems. But after recognizing the value of overcoming my own issues, and my ongoing ability to face new issues with more confidence and clarity, I was able to muster up the courage to apply to graduate school for a degree in counseling, and for the first time in my adult life, I really feel like I have found my thing. However, that “thing” continues to evolve as I am exposed to new ideas and issues that lead me in new directions. Now, instead of thinking “I can’t”, I know “I can”.

Amanda Doyle (aka 'Sister'), Glennon Doyle Melton of Momastery, and Michelle Cantrell of VenusVision

This morning I sat in a room full of women, most of whom had come for the opportunity to see Glennon Doyle Melton, the blogger behind Momastery who recently skyrocketed into the blogging stratosphere when The Huffington Post picked up and ran her blog post Don’t Carpe Diem on January 14, 2012. Between that noteworthy day and now, she has gained tens of thousands of fans on Facebook and countless more have been reading her blog, devouring and sharing each new post with the zeal of a fanatic. She had publishing companies battling for the rights to publish a book of her work and life story — which is due out next April, and is even in talks about turning her blog into a TV show. I think most of us in the room felt pretty lucky for having the opportunity to share a space with Glennon knowing full well that a year from now she’ll be able to fill a colloseum with thousands of women looking to connect with someone who deals in such raw honesty, revealing all sides of her authentic self and making us feel one step to being more comfortable doing the same.

After being introduced, along with her sister Amanda who can easily be called her life-line, Glennon, by virtue of being Glennon, began by confessing her nervousness about her new role as “public speaker” which was being put to the test for the first time on this occasion. But even when admitting her nervousness, and professing her preference for one-on-one chats over coffee (though she only drinks tea), her presence was very natural and relaxed as she sat, dressed in a cute top and jeans, cross-legged in her chair at the front of the room, holding a microphone and speaking casually about her outer self, her Facebook self, the self everyone sees on the outside, and her inner self — the side that makes her who she is and the person we read about and love precisely because it is so incredibly flawed.

Glennon talked about the outer self that some people know and choose to only see — the outer self that is a cute petite brunette who appears to have it all: a gorgeous husband (and if you don’t believe me, check out Momastery and see for yourself!), a beautiful family, a loving sister and parents, and the quintessential suburban life. I met one woman who is good friends with Glennon and admitted that when she first met her, she instantly hated her precisely because of what I just described. After all, how could someone who has it all (and was so thin!) possibly be nice? Well, there are two myths embedded in that belief, and yet so many of us would have jumped to the same conclusion. The first myth, of course, is that someone who has it all — ok, let’s be more specific, a woman who has it all, especially the looks, must be a bitch. Perhaps we like to think that because it makes us feel better about not being them. But of course, the second myth is that she didn’t — doesn’t have it all, and in fact, nobody does.

And then Glennon went on to break down that myth at least as it relates to herself by talking about her inner self. This included details about developing an eating disorder at the age of eight and spending the next couple of decades throwing up ten or more times daily. It included her foray into substance abuse which walked hand in hand with her eating disorder. She talked about blacking out through much of her college experience, and spoke with almost disbelief that she was actually able to graduate. She described her marriage to her husband and how they barely knew each other before she accidentally got pregnant, and walked down the aisle crossing their fingers, hoping for the best. She admitted honestly that while there are many good times, the bad times are there too and was not afraid to talk about being in counseling with her husband to get through the turbulent (though wonderful) events that have recently been thrust upon their entire family. She talked about her wonderful children and how she didn’t always love being around her wonderful children. She talked about her Lyme disease and the toll that takes, not just on her body but on her family and how they function as a result of her decreased energy levels.

And when she was done revealing her inner self, she opened up that inner self for questioning and with each answer she provided, the honesty and courage to say what she knows and, more importantly, what she doesn’t know came through over and over again. Being in the room and seeing how she interacted so lovingly (Love Always Wins!) to each person, taking the time to respond thoughtfully to each question and afterwards take pictures and hug everyone who wanted a little piece of Glennon to take with them, was a little like watching Momastery come to life.

What struck me as much as the power of Glennon to connect with the women in the room was the need of each of those women to find that connection, and I started contemplating what it was that made Glennon’s writings resonate with so many women. Of course, she’s a talented writer, able to combine the reality of the world, all that is brutifal as she likes to say, with a dose of humor that makes it easier to swallow.

But it goes much deeper than that, deeper than just connecting and relating to the things Glennon writes about — things people don’t often talk about but want to. And as I looked around this room, hearing one woman openly talk about her own ongoing struggle with sobriety and looking to Glennon for the answers, another woman worrying that as a middle aged 35-year-old woman (her summation, not mine!), she hadn’t found her “thing” as Glennon calls it, and what could she do to find her thing, I sensed this emptiness around me. An emptiness that’s calling for something to fill it and hoping that Glennon would be that something, or at least guide them to it. Of course, to a certain extent, Glennon does fill a void — a void that comes from the silence we live in when a person asks us “How are you doing?” and we respond “fine” when what we really want to do is scream at the top of our lungs about how frickin’ hard life is. But that “thing” Glennon referred to so frequently today is about that something that gets you out of bed each day, the something that keeps us excited about life, the something that we feel good about at the end of each day. And that “thing” is not to be filled by another person but by something from within. For Glennon, of course, that something is writing, and Momastery and all that it has become. Judging by the whispers around the room as Glennon talked about each person finding her thing, it seemed that perhaps Glennon is in the minority in having found hers.

So where does this emptiness come from? Well, that’s a big question and if one asked Glennon, I’m sure she would quickly admit to not having an answer. But if we are going to fill it, we need to understand it. My husband and I frequently talk about happiness and contentment and how it seems to be so far beyond the reach of most despite every attempt at achieving it by buying the next car or the next house, redoing the kitchen, getting the next promotion, losing those last 10 pounds, or twenty or fifty or one hundred, because, as Glennon pointed out today, we are always looking to the next thing to make us happy, sure that what we already have isn’t enough. She described a school assignment her 8 year old son had brought home in which he had to describe the moral of the story he had read in school. It was something along the lines of “life isn’t going to get any better so you might as well be happy with the way it is now.” Ah, from the mouths of babes. While one perspective on that statement might be a pessimistic one, another way of looking at it is that happiness, or more importantly, contentment, is always there for the taking. Happiness is a feeling and we can choose how we feel about things. And if we feel that it is the next thing that will make us happy, we can be assured that the happiness will be fleeting until our sights are set on something else.

I don’t have the answers, any more than Glennon does, but I think her rise to notoriety indicates a willingness — no a longing — to start dismantling the myths about what makes us happy while figuring out what our “thing” is if all that we thought it was turned out to be a farce, and search for deeper meaning and connection in life. After all, as Glennon quoted from Mother Theresa, “If we have no peace it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.” So as you carry on in your day, remember that we are all connected and that life is brutiful.

In Girl on Top, we learned that Nicole became very aware at an early age of the toll a job from hell can take on someone as she watched her mother go to work every day to a job she hated. Nicole was determined not to end up in the same position and took on the role of career investigator with every new person she met, assertively asking questions like “What do you do? What did you study in school? How much money do you make? Do you love what you do?”. Because of her inherent curiosity about people’s careers Nicole began looking for career resources that were not just pro-women, but also fun and entertaining — much like Nicole’s personality. Finding a shortage of books, web sites, and businesses that met her needs, she realized that no one was perhaps better suited for providing this information than she.

Taking on any one of the achievements Nicole has to her name — three published books, a career reality TV series called Making It Big, guest appearances on network televisions shows like The Today Show and Good Morning America,  a frequent contributor to Elle, Self, Glamour, and more, and founder of her own company, Works, just to name a few — it seems like she’s always shooting for the stars, and that’s just what Nicole did. I wanted to know how she was able to make the leap to start her own business, and she reminded me of her mantra: “To achieve the marvelous, think the unthinkable.” And so she approaches each endeavor in life by asking herself what her “unthinkable goals” are. Reflecting on her dreams and accomplishments, it was unthinkable to publish a book (let alone three). It was unthinkable to create her own television series. It was unthinkable to build a highly successful business from the ground up. But ultimately she said “the dreams that give me shivers are the ones that become my goals,” and with a lot of hard work, focus, and the ability to expand her horizons to open herself up to new opportunities, Nicole seems to be capable of achieving the marvelous. Perhaps the best part is, part what makes her dreams so marvelous is that she is helping other women achieve their dreams.

I wanted to know if there were some common factors among the women she counsels that were holding them back in their careers. While she addresses a variety of issues with her company, she sees a lot of women who just “want it now”; they are impatient. Though Nicole sees impatience as a virtue because of the drive that often accompanies it, she is quick to point out that success takes time and effort. She works to dispel the myth of overnight success because it leads to people expecting it too soon and then giving up too early. Nicole said she also sees a lot women settling, and she challenges them to “have big dreams and have high expectations for yourself because that’s directly proportionate to what you are going to get in life.” They are underestimating what they can do with their lives and at far too young of an age, they think this is as good as it gets.

Since Nicole spends a considerable amount of time addressing the importance of appearance, particularly as it relates to one’s career, I wondered if her own sense of style was one that she was born with. Though Nicole has always loved fashion, she said that her own sense of style has required a lot of trial and error. She explained that growing up in a small town exposed her to some more flamboyant styles and her response was to go in the opposite direction, seeking out conservative looks. With the benefit of  a personal stylist Nicole now has, she is able to think a little more outside the box in terms of fashion. When I saw her at The Limited, her look was stylish, sexy, and powerful resulting in the look of total confidence that reflects her personality.

For someone who has achieved the success that Nicole has, I was surprised at how open and approachable she is. I asked her about her divorce, and she admitted that “it shook me to the bone”. Having seen her own parents go through divorce, she was convinced she would never allow it to happen to herself. But in the end, she new that it was something she had to do, and while it was the hardest experience of her life, she had a vision of where she wanted her life to go and she remained focused on that vision, creating goals, and putting one foot in front of the other. She also admitted to, at times, putting on rose-colored glasses and wondering if she had done the right thing in leaving her husband, particularly after she started dating again. But ultimately the answer was the same, and she kept moving forward, taking stock of what she learned, and working towards creating the life and success she desired.

While Nicole’s career is obviously a huge part of her identity, and something she likely won’t set aside anytime soon, she places a lot of importance on developing a personal life — one well outside the bounds of work — and for herself, this is where her efforts are most focused for the near future. Professionally, Nicole has no regrets but she can’t say the same about her personal life as she laments not investing in the relationships she most values. Moving forward she plans on starting a family, devoting time to herself and her personal relationships.

Reading Nicole’s book, Girl on Top, and talking with her personally made me have little doubt that she means what she says when she states “anything is possible”.

Some of the women OTYO! has helped.

We all know about the tragedies going on in many of the war-torn countries in Africa. Maybe because the atrocities are too much for us to bear, or maybe because some just simply can’t be bothered with other peoples problems, most of us are not likely to get involved. I like to think it’s not because we just don’t care, but instead because the issues are so overwhelming, and as is often the case, it’s simply easier to remain blissfully ignorant intentionally. And, if you do want to do something, where do you start?

Jolly Bugari found her own answer to that question. Moving to California with her then-husband, Bugari left Uganda to escape the inner turmoil her country was facing. Eventually her marriage ended and she was left raising three children by herself, but her new-found freedom from a domineering husband provided her with the opportunity to return to school.

After watching countless loved ones die from HIV in her homeland of Uganda and experiencing the repressive nature of a patriarchal society, Jolly decided she had to do something to help those back in her homeland and focused her studies on community health education. After receiving her degree, the idea of OTYO! (which means “a sigh of relief”) was born and she began a 3-year Masters in Public Health program that would better enable her to realize her dreams of helping those most in need in Uganda.

Jolly Bugari, founder of OTYO! (A Sigh of Relief)

Though Bugari realized that the problems in Uganda are widespread, she narrowed down her efforts to focus on women, whom she felt needed the most help because “women take care of everyone, have nothing, and are highly overlooked.” The mission of OTYO! is “to improve the quality of life and health of women, adolescents and orphans of rural Uganda by providing financial and technical support to community based organizations working with these populations.”

Needless to say, her efforts are full of challenges. The cultural attitudes towards women in Africa and their lower status lead to fewer opportunities to exercise their independence. This in turn makes them more vulnerable to diseases such as HIV, as they are  dominated by the men who spread the disease and have few options once acquiring it. Bugari has also found that getting attention and resources has been more difficult  in comparison to high profile more developed areas with large populations.

In the face of so many hurdles, not to mention Jolly’s own life challenges, I asked her what keeps her going when everything and everyone tells you to quit. Her reply: “This is where I come from, this is where my family is. I recognize the obligation I have to use the advantages of the resources I have gained through public health education to help these people.”

When I reflect on Jolly’s story — how she came to America at 19, the young wife of an oppressive husband who eventually left her with three children — I think of how hard it must have been just to get by, not just financially but emotionally. And yet, she did more than just get by. Freed from the shackles of a marriage and society that suppressed who she was and was capable of being, Jolly realized her potential and pursued her dreams. For that, she is extraordinary.

These 10 habits of highly successful women are practical, easy, and effective — and they’re what See Jane Soar is all about! These tips for success range from maintaining your hormonal balance to letting go of the past – and they affect your mind, body, and soul.

First, a quotation from writer Anais Nin:

“Dreams pass into the reality of action. From the action stems the dream again; and this interdependence produces the highest form of living.”

Taking action is one of the most important habits of successful women…and so is dreaming. For inspiration and practical advice for succeeding in life after failure or knock-out punches, click on This is Not the Life I Ordered: 50 Ways to Keep Your Head Above Water When Life Keeps Dragging You Down by Deborah Collins Stephens et al.

10 Habits of Highly Successful Women

1. Maintain your hormonal balance. Are you moody, exhausted, irritable, or sad? Check your hormones. If they’re out of whack, then you’ll struggle to be successful! Make sure you’re getting enough protein and vitamins, and decrease your refined sugars and carbohydrates.

2. Forgive yourself for your mistakes. Highly successful women don’t obsess or feel guilty about past choices or failures. They make mistakes, move on, and apply what they’ve learned to new situations.

3. Connect with who you are. Being a daughter, wife, or mother is one aspect of your life. It doesn’t define who you are as a woman. To connect with who you are, find and express your authentic self. The more authentic you are, the more appealing you’ll be to others – and to yourself!

4. Avoid energy vampires. Do you feel drained or sad after spending time with a particular friend, coworker, or relative? Limit the time you spend with him or her. Note how you feel after visiting with a certain person; if you feel energized and happy, then you’re in good company. Highly successful women choose their companions wisely.

5. Speak kindly to yourself! If you beat yourself up for being overweight, a “bad” mom, or not exercising enough, you just create a downward spiral. Highly successful women remind themselves of their achievements and successes. They refuse to tell themselves negative things; they accept themselves.

6. Listen to your body. I heard Oprah Winfrey say this about 10 years ago: listen to what your body is telling you. Are you emotionally hungry or physically hungry? Feed yourself properly. Are you sad, furious, or depressed? Follow your body’s cues.

7. Volunteer your time. Find something that takes you out of your comfort zone or that you love to do. You’ll feel great that you’re helping others out – and volunteering directly improves your physical health. Highly successful women step out of their comfort zones and takes risks.

8. Let go of perfectionism. Strive to do your best, but let go of perfectionist tendencies. Accepting that you’re doing the best you can is a habit of highly successful women. Letting go of perfectionism is vitamins and exercise for the soul!

9. Use your core strengths. Are you a natural mathematician, writer, or party planner? Discover your core strengths by trying different things until you find what fits. To take risks and try new things, take short-term volunteer positions or volunteer for new projects at work or in your community.

10. Take time for yourself. This habit for highly successful women is my favorite: take time to recharge your batteries and refuel your emotional, spiritual, and physical energy. Spend at least a few minutes alone each day – even if you have to lock yourself in the bathroom to do it!

Have a missed a habit of highly successful women – or do you have any comments on any of the above? I welcome your thoughts below!

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen is a full-time freelance writer and blogger; visit her at Quips and Tips For Achieving Your Goals or See Jane Soar.